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12PM 'Cause I'm Getting Hungry
Secretary on phone: So, ummm, yeah -- I just wanted to check if your horse still had his boy bits or not...
Perth
Australia
5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?
Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
2PM Well, Good Talking in Your General Direction
Programmer #1: Do you watch Maggie and the Ferocious Beast?
Programmer #2: [Silence.]
Programmer #1: Well, Hamilton is the pig. I don't know his last name, but he's the pig in the show.
Programmer #2: [Silence.]
100 Larrabee Road
Westbrook, Maine
9AM Wait, No - That's Why I'm Afraid of Fire
Woman: You know I'm afraid of birds, don't you? It's because of that movie and the time my mother burned down a gas station.
Cal State Northridge
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
11AM A Move Known As "The IT Sidestep"
Temp: We found some old mice in the trashcan. I don't really think they belong in there.
Tech guy: I think that's a problem for facilities. Are they dead or alive?
Maryville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cinderella
2PM Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would've come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn't so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
5PM Unless We Get Volunteers
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
2PM Me Jane. Tarzan Away on Business
Guy: How are you going to tell your mom that you didn't do your homework because you have a gorilla fetish?
Girl: It's not a fetish, I'm just curious about their... stuff.
Guy: It's still fucked up.
Washington Avenue Bridge, University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM What's That on Your Upper Lip?
Professor: Given the above table, who thinks penguin milk has less fat than seal milk?
Half the class raises their hands.
Professor: How many think penguin milk has more fat than seal milk?
Other half raises their hands.
Professor to TA: This is a bad sign.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: someone easily tricked at 8am sans coffee
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
11AM The Litter Box Next to the Bed Might Be a Mistake
Female employee: I don't mind thinking I'll be a creepy cat lady. I just don't want to be a creepy virgin cat lady.
Crosspoint Boulevard
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM Better Wrap This up, Boys -- Mrs. Agnew's Coming into Heat
Supervisor #1: I mean, humans are the only ones that are supposed to be having interspecies sex, and even then, I don't think that we should be.
Supervisor #2: Ew.
Supervisor #3: But that'd probably get you promoted here.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
10AM Just Like Daisy Duke
Sunday school teacher: How's that new little kitten of yours?
Priest: She's doing well. We're taking her over to the vet tomorrow to be spayed.
Child #1: What's spayed?
Child #2: That's when they take off her overalls so she can't have babies.
Joliet, Montana
4PM And I'm Starting to Wonder about You
Guy: Humans are the only mammals that rape face-to-face.
Girl #1: What about dolphins?
Girl #2: But sharks don't. Sharks dance.
Guy: Sharks aren't mammals.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, you said mammals. But penguins don't.
Guy: Penguins aren't mammals either.
Tucson, Arizona
9AM Refuses to Watch Baseball Because of the Flies
Suit: The other way I learned it, from Schoolhouse Rock, is that the alligator is hungry and so wants to bite the larger one.
Woman coworker: Ohhh... I see. That would confuse me, because it's got animals.
919 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: i guess graduating elementary school just was
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
4PM It Was an Attempted Coop d'État
Girl #1, walking past: There was a ruckus in the office but we sorted it out.
Girl #2: It's funny, whenever I think of the word ruckus I think of, like, chickens.
Girl #3: Oh my god, there were chickens in the office?
University Drive
Gold Coast, Australia
Overheard by: Jess
12PM So Just Have the Spaghetti
Employee: Rat balls are nasty!
Raytheon
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: taaj
12PM Either That or a Pair of Pants
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I'll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it's a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'
Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'
Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?
505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: Chicken soup
12PM If I'd Known It Would Just Be a Slobbering, I'd Have Done It Myself
Architect: Did you see the dog?
Intern: Yeah, he slobbered on my pant leg.
Architect: I sent you because I didn't want to get bit.
Square Lake Road
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Eero Plain
2PM Dog: Sweetie, All You Have to Do Is Say 'Please'
Chairman: It will be easy, like pulling a greasy stick out a dog's arse.
Employee: That's all well and good, but we have to get the greasy stick in there first!
Barrow-in-Furness
Cumbria, England
11AM From the Ancient Canadian Folk Tale 'Chickens Are from Hell, Eh?'
Teen #1: I swear, those chickens were from hell.
Teen #2: All chickens are from hell.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
9AM Jeez, You Don't Leave Me Much Room to Maneuver
Co-Worker #1: Hey, I got a new joke. Anyone want to hear it?
Co-Worker #2: Not if it involves poop.
Co-Worker #3: Or chickens.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: disturbed
12PM Oh, Okay. Tweetie.
Teen girl, holding a bag with a dead bird inside: My grandfather called earlier about getting this bird checked for West Nile virus. He found it in his yard.
Office clerk: Ok, I remember talking to him this morning. I need to get some information from you first. Now, what was his name?
The girl's eyes get big, and she looks at the bag.
Office clerk: No, not the bird's name. I need to know your grandfather's name.
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
11AM People Talk About Chipmunks Only on Planets Without Atmospheres
Co-Worker #1: Weather is the great conversational equalizer.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: 'Cause every place has weather. And chipmunks. But nobody ever talks about chipmunks.
1593 Galbraith Avenue
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
4PM Goering Was Especially Tasty
Man: We're gonna make some bratwurst.
Woman #1: What's the difference between sausage and bratwurst?
Woman #2: Well, bratwurst is German.
Woman #1: So they're just German pigs?
Company picnic
Montclair, New Jersey
5PM Your Daughter Is So Precocious!
Little girl, pointing to ad poster: Dog!
Father, looking at the ad: No, honey, that's Ellen Degeneres.
Target Shopping Center
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
1PM An Egg-Laying Mammal Would Be Worth Catching
Co-Worker, trying to catch a mouse loose in the office: Bill*, he's under your desk! Try to catch him!
Bill: Why? Is he going to lay an egg or something?
4613 Philips Highway
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: Miss Kitty
9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training
Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.
Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan
Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me
9AM Anyway, We're Not Sure You're the Sort of Sales Rep We Want at Dead Cat in a Basket, LLC
Older woman: Yes, I have fifteen years of commission-only sales experience, and I'm accustomed to traveling four days out of the week.
Interviewer: Oh, um, well that's great. Um, yes, some of our new hires don't like traveling because it's so lonely and can be far from home and, um, you know, like solitudish and lonely.
Older woman: That's okay with me. Travel is fine, but I can't travel for three weeks out and one week home. I have two cats. I can leave them for four days at a time but not three weeks.
Interviewer: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate 'cause we really would like you for the job. Well, um, if something would happen that would mean you could take this job, um, like I won't get into what that would be or anything morbid or sad or anything...but you could always re-apply.
6500 Matalin Place
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM That's a Little Old to Not Be Having Real Sex
Social worker: So I gave the kid my copy of the DSM so he could diagnose his dog, and when he brought the book back he asked me for some porn. I thought the book was a good starting point so he could help his dog, but I don't know about the porn. He is only 17.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
11AM Nah, Turns Out It Was Just a Life Insurance Scam
Person #1: I just read that there has been a 104% increase in the numbers of lost or stolen cows recovered in Texas and Oklahoma.
Person #2: So they found 4 more cows than were actually lost?
650 California Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Gilligan
10AM Lyle's Mistake Was Planning the 12-Days-of-Christmas Diorama from Memory
Co-worker on the phone: Really? And he had six donkeys?
1400 Lacey Boulevard
Hanford, California
Overheard by: suzanne
1PM The Trick Is Eating Kim Chee and Never Showering
Asian guy: Hey, look! A butterfly!
White guy: Why don't you go catch it? That's what Asians do.
Asian guy: No, we catch flies.
White guy: With fucking chopsticks?
Asian guy: Yeah, but if you give me two cigarettes I could probably use those.
Parkland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gloria
3PM Customer Service
Bank teller: I was working drive-through this morning and offered a customer a bone for her dog in the back seat.
Associate: I think it's nice that we do that.
Bank teller: The customer said it wasn't a dog, it was her mother.
801 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
3PM Breakroom
Customer service clerk #1: Whew! It stinks in here. Did the bug exterminator guy spray for bugs in here today?
Customer service clerk #2: No, one of the sales reps just walked through. You are smelling salesman cologne.
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: I think he had some kind of superdog
Coworker #2: What is a Superdog?
Coworker #1: I think they are dogs that do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to retarded kids or something.
Coworker #2: Oh... okay, yeah, I know the ones.
5885 NW Cornelius Pass Road
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Curious Listener
10AM Picking Up Printouts
Office manager: I finally got pants on my monkey. But his tail won't go through the hole.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM On the Links
At a company golf outing. . .
Member of other foursome: Did somebody lose a club cover?
Coworker, in the saddest voice ever: Was it a gorilla?
457 IH 45 South
Huntsville, Texas
2PM Smoke Break
Employee #1: Ugh! I hate it when [Allison] brings her bratty kid to work.
Employee #2: [Allison] knows he is a brat. He turned her into a coyote mother.
Employee #1: What?!
Employee #2: A coyote mother is when you gnaw your own ovaries off so you can't have more brats.
Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
9AM Back to Work
Attorney #1: I stepped on a baby bird this morning on the way into the courthouse.
Attorney #2: The jokes are right. We don't have souls.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
1PM Head Out for a Bite
Maniac: Come in, I won't bite anymore.
Worker: ...Won't bite...anymore?
Maniac: I usedta work at a veternarian. He usedta lock me up with the animals in a cage! When they'd bark, the only way to get them to stop was to bark at them. And bite them--on the ear!
708 Broadway elevator
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevin Davidson
2PM Order Supplies
Designer: Sure I'll take a notepad. As long as there's not cats on the cover.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
1PM Lunch
Sales #1: There's lint on your shoulder.
Sales #2: Oh.
Sales #1: Here, I'll pick it off. Wait, here's Scotch tape; that works better.
Sales #2: I feel like those monkeys that pick bugs off each other's heads and backs.
712 South Hacienda Drive
Tempe, Arizona
2PM Call Jeff for Clarification
CCA #1: The client says his squirrel machine's broken. What the hell is a squirrel machine?
CCA #2: One of those things with the wheel, where the squirrels run around?
CCA #1: I don't think we provide those.
CCA #2: What's the problem?
CCA #1: He says it's broken.
CCA #2: Is he feeding it enough?
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Developer: So we need to get those trees down before the rafters come back.
Underling: "Rafters"?
Developer: R-a-f-t-e-r-s. You know, like a hawk? They're gonna nest in the trees if we don't cut 'em down first.
Underling: Right. Raptors.
855 Capitolio Way
San Luis Obispo, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: She is just the sweetest dog...except she likes to bite kids in the face.
625 Cherry Street
Columbia, Missouri
2PM Warehouse Inventory Due
Warehouse Manager: Be sure to take all the plywood runners, and all the woodchucks you can find.
Driver: "Woodchucks"?
Warehouse Manager: Yeah, put them under the wheels to help with traction.
41049 Boyce Road
Fremont, California
2PM Pick Up Promo Shirts
Receptionist: What are the new shirts made out?
Clerk: They're 100% cotton.
Receptionist: Cotton? That's the stuff that grows on sheep, right?
Clerk: No, cotton comes from rabbits. That's why they're called cottontails.
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
9AM There They Go Again
Co-worker #1: Do you have a dog?
Co-worker #2: No, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone another dog.
2645 South Mojave Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM EOY Staff Meeting
Manager: We're all sharks. Remember, guys.
Employee: Huh? Sharks?
Manager: Yeah, we're all like sharks. Sharks have to keep moving their whole life or they'll die. They never stop moving. So keep moving, guys! We're sharks!
Employee: So basically what you're saying is that if we stop moving, you'll kill us all?
208 Chain Lake Drive
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
4PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Agent #1: Why is that dog wearing a "W" on its head?
Agent #2: That's not a "W"; it's obviously an "M." It's just upside down.
Bystander: Um...those are reindeer antlers.
7145 SE 21st Avenue
Portland, Oregon
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Make sure you eat some of the leftovers from the potluck.
Co-worker #2: Okay.
Co-worker #1: And you'd better hurry before [Nick] and [Sara] get in there and stuff their faces. They give pigs a bad name.
10011 109th Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
CSA #1: So today is the official start of winter. Who cares?
CSA #2: To some people that is important.
CSA #1: Like who, bears?
CSA #2: To some people it's a winter holiday
CSA #1: Like who, Canadians?
1000 Semmes Avenue
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Chastain
12PM Meeting at ASPCA
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn't check the plumbing, if that's what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it's a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
10AM Visit Construction Site
Receptionist: What's that?
Worker: It's the Phoenix Project logo.
Receptionist: Why's there a bird on it?
Manager #1: You have got to be kidding?
Receptionist: What?
Manager #2: Bird, Phoenix? Hello?
Receptionist: I don't get it.
Clerk: Okay, the bird...it's a phoenix.
Receptionist: Phoenix is a city.
Clerk: ...Phoenix is, also, a mythological bird.
Receptionist: Named after the city?
10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada
5PM That's a Wrap
Account Manager: Hey, do you feel like a monkey in the middle of an idiot sandwich?
Process Analyst: That would make you one of the idiots. Are you calling yourself an idiot?
Account Manager: Oh...huh?
5 minutes later.
Process Analyst: Hey, do you feel like an idiot in a monkey sandwich?
Account Manager: Ha! Now you are the idiot!
Process Analyst: No...that still makes you the idiot.
520 Guthridge Court
Norcross, Georgia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: We had Burger King breakfast in Mexico and it had refried beans and peppers in the eggs.
Manager: They were probably goat's eggs, not chicken eggs.
9353 Jefferson Highway
Maple Grove, Minnesota
10AM IT Meeting
CIO on speaker: Time out guys, an animal just came into my
office...Cats aren't allowed in my office till after 5.
2 Industrial Park Drive
Williamston, Michigan
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.
57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois
9AM Check with HR re: Installing Cages
Co-worker #1: God! I hate it when those two have to work together! It's so painful. It's like watching a monkey and a dolphin try to build a house.
Co-worker #2: I think you underestimate the communication skills of wildlife.
150 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM All-Hands Meeting
CEO: It's like the dog and the tail. The tail is the reward and happiness. The dog is how you get there, the hard work.
460 Phillip Street
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Lunch Break
Woman: I didn't know you have a turtle.
Guy: Sure do.
Woman: Is it a sea turtle?
754 Peachtree Street NE
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: M. Chavis
10AM They Must Work at Another Law Firm
Boss: The funniest thing just happened. I've had a banana in my bag for like a month. When I opened my bag a whole bunch of gnats flew out!
Underling: Is that why there are flys all over our windowless office?
Boss: No.
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Those Brilliant Cetaceans Are Taking Our Jobs
Co-worker: Noon it is. I'm driving. But I have no room for dolphins in my car. Well...I have the room, but I didn't get the tank option.
1301 E. Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
5AM Someone Please Film That and Email It to Me
Co-worker: That new guy is really dumb.
Speakerphone: Well it is fun watching him.
Co-worker: It's like watching a cat shoveling shit with two broken paws.
8400 36th Street
Miami, Florida
12AM Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!
Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.
6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas
Woman #1: So I went to Filene's Basement last night, and I was--literally--raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?
24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
12AM The Kid Who Should've Loved Ducking
VP of marketing: If you used a duck, you'd somehow have to tie it into a kid who was killed by a drunk driver who loved ducks.
30 E, 33rd Street
New York, NY
12PM I Call Mine "Python"
Boss: What should we call it? Try thinking animal names.
Employee #1: What about "Kumquat"?
Employee #2: A kumquat isn't an animal.
Boss: I like your thinking though.
45 Main Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
4PM Maybe She Was Sensing That She's Smarter Than Her Owner
Canadian woman: Things have been so strange around here lately with all the closed door meetings and whispering. Even my dog was really restless the other night, but I think she was sensing the earthquake and possible tsunami.
4027 Tampa Road
Oldsmar, Florida
12AM But Do They Gnaw Pro Bono?
Guy #1: Those lawyers are like rats, they know they suck but do it anyway.
Guy #2: Rats don't know they suck...
210 Highwoods Blvd.
Raleigh, North Carolina
4PM FYI: Homer Simpson is a Safety Manager
Safety Manager: Uncooked chicken is just...foul!
5409 N. Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Julia
8AM That's More of a Lamb's Name
Super-rich boss's wife: So you know how we always call my husband God?
Employees at luncheon: [Puzzled silence]
Super-rich boss's wife: Seriously, you know how we call him God?
Employees at luncheon: [Silence]
Super-rich boss's wife: Well, I bought him a horse! And we're going to call it Jesus! Isn't that hilarious?
2725 Henry Street
Augusta, Georgia
12PM There's Your Cue! Fling Feces At Him
Elderly Boss: I need you to plug in this lamp for me.
Employee: Are you asking me to crawl [under your desk]?
Elderly Boss: You're the only one who can. You're my monkey.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
