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10AM And Then We'll Give Thanks
Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!
320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Julie
9AM That's the Ulcer Perforating
Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um... You just hit the printer icon... What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon... Okay, hold up. Let's just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don't really hit it -- just click, okay? Now click 'All programs'... M-hmmm... Now click 'Microsoft Office, and then 'Microsoft Word.' You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the 'X.' [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute -- you'll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the 'X.' [After pause] Now you type -- you know -- typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don't save it, then it won't stay on your computer... What exactly are you typing and printing in there? ... You know what? Never mind. It's better if I just don't know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can't ship anything without him checking the parts first... I have a good feeling in my belly now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM As a Co-Utterer or a Target?
Boss: From now on, every time I call someone a 'twat,' just presume you're Cc:ed in on it.
Power station
Wales
11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?
Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.
10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM ... And HR Will Reimburse You
Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that's what you need...
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM That's Your Answer to Everything
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
3PM Or We Could Just Get Drunk on Punch and Have Sub-Par Sex, Like Usual?
Cube rat #1: Hey, didn't they have one of those money-tubes here at the Thanksgiving party last year?
Cube rat #2: Yeah, where you jump in and catch the money? I got 20 bucks!
Cube rat #1: Hmmm. They should do something festive for the holiday... like canned hams in the tube!
2131 3rd Avenue
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Amused
9AM But Now I'll Just Make a Bundle Suing You for Harassment
Teen employee: I'm so worried about getting into college. Although, I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
Middle-aged boss: You'd make a great stripper.
Teen employee: You know, I've considered it.
Bookstore
New York, New York
Overheard by: I guess I won't apply for a job after all
5PM That Flogger Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Teacher: If you wish to have a discussion, raise your hand and I will call on you if you are worthy enough.
Student: I love you?
140 Brandies Road
Newton, Massachusetts
11AM And Be Miserable?
President: Thank you for coming to our annual Christmas party. Where do you work?
New guy's new girl: I'm in private wealth management.
President: You seem very nice. Can I give you one piece of advice?
New guy's new girl: Sure.
President: Don't wait too long to get married and have kids.
1 Cranberry Hill
Lexington, Massachusetts
4PM You'll Look Just Like Justin Timberlake
Drone: Just shave your bum fluff off and stick on your face!
Canberra
Australia
10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
3PM ... Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
2PM Who Hasn't Felt That Way about Dr. Phil?
Cube monkey, looking at silly string: Aw, fuck it, let's just piss on him!
29305 Orchard Lake Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Ron
9AM And Gently Style It
Female patron in upscale salon: My friends do everything their stylist says to. I'm like, 'Grow a set, already'!
Springfield, Virginia
Overheard by: James
4PM The Perfect Time to Tell Him It's Not His Baby
Pregnant customer: Why didn't you tell me I had a zit under my nose?! I'm so freakin' embarrassed.
Husband: You need to be worried about that mustache, not that zit.
North Point Mall
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: wannabmilf
2PM When Bush Is Left Alone in the Oval Office
Manager #1, to temp: So, listen -- you'll be in charge of the department today while we're at an all-staff meeting. But ain't no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we're gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.
15th Street
Washington, DC
11AM Have We Learned Nothing from the "Cock Diagram" Incident?
Secretary: Can you believe the new temp said her favorite movie was Blow?!
HR director: I am not familiar with that. Look up 'blow' on Google.
Accounting manager: I wouldn't do that if I was you.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Younger Workers May Arrive in Your Office with No Discernible Social Skills
Peon: Yeah, that would be a total chick magnet. Just say, 'Hey, you wanna come and, uh, meet my manatee?'
1100 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
4PM That's What You Get for Vetoing My Slip-n-Slide Idea
Female coworker #1: You can't blow them if you're laughing.
Female coworker #2: I guess that's true.
Female coworker #3: Even when I blow them they keep coming back into my face. This is why you should not have bubbles at an office party!
Houston, Texas
2PM Clears That Cancer Right Up
Nurse: People just keep calling me and calling me about getting pain pills called in. They just need to be a little sauced up -- then they'd be fine!
14100 Parkway Commons Drive
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM Chickens in Guy-Suits Are Much More Common in Politics
Reporter #1: How should I identify a chicken at a press conference? There was a guy in a chicken suit who refused to give me his name.
Reporter #2: If it was a guy in a suit, I think you'd have to call him an 'Unidentified chicken impersonator.'
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Jack Ace, reporter-at-large
1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?
Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!
Portland, Oregon
3PM Last Time You Killed a Photo Booth Chick, You Had to Serve Six Whole Months of a Life Sentence
Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am, but these photos are professional. There's no way I could let you print these without a release form.
Customer, angry: If I didn't just get out of prison, I would through such a fit!
Mother: Just calm down and walk away.
Cleveland, Ohio
1PM Fortune Cookies Are Getting More and More Gay-Positive
Queer boss to new female employee: Don't waste your time being a man who has sex with women.
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Put a Nice Potted Plant on It?
Fashion designer girl #1: I really want a bookshelf, but I don't have any books.
Fashion designer girl #2: Maybe you could get a short one and paint it white.
8360 Melrose Avenue
West Hollywood, California
9AM Now, Would You Stop Bench-Pressing Me?
Supervisor to file clerk: You know, I really don't see you in the corporate workplace at all... I see you somewhere doing something violent like the American Gladiators or something.
101 South 5th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Candice
1PM By a Tentacle
Cube rat: They need to have some kind of alien baby hanging off the front page...
Golden, Colorado
Overheard by: Peon
5PM Her Office Is Decorated in a SpongeBob Theme
Hiring manager: I think I need to go have some fun.
Training manager: If you want to have a good time, you need to come into my office! ... If you want to have some fun... [Face turns red and she walks into her office.]
2835 Decker Lake Boulevard
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Cubicle spud
4PM Without Drugs, the Restaurant Business Would Cease to Exist
Guy training hostess to roll silverware: Do you know how to roll a blunt?
Hostess: No...
Guy: Well, it's pretty much the same way.
Mexican Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hilary
9AM Not the Kind of Market Penetration We Want
Communications manager: Conclusion is, don't eat your sex toys!
Sex toy factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: TinkMom
5PM Doesn't Seem to Help the Itching Much
Worker bee on phone: Isn't your husband anointed? Well, why don't you just have him lay hands on you, then?
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM All the Movie Stars Are Doing That Now
Female coworker: First of all, 6:30 is not after work, and second of all, there is nothing wrong with going to your hair appointment shit-faced!
851 Coho Way
Bellingham, Washington
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
4PM It's the Human Default Setting
Proofreader: Joe*, I'm confused.
Typesetter: Are you? That's perfectly normal.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
9AM ... For Sleeping with My Husband
Attorney: I'm so pregnant... My husband always says, 'Honey, you're a whale!' And then I tell him, 'Shut up! You're an immigrant!'
Admin: You should really stop saying that to him.
Attorney: Well, he is, and it's a term of endearment! Like when I call you a dirty whore!
Hackensack, New Jersey
5PM If You Show Up Dressed As Barney Again, We Will Light Your Tail on Fire
Coworker on phone: Just wear your own clothes.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: DC Diva
5PM Sailing in Search of the Rest of Your Simile
Consultant on phone: You need to set corporate goals. Without goals, you're like a boat on the water.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
1PM Every Office Has Its Own Oral History
Office tech, fiddling with printer: I'm still getting that sensor dustiness error.
Office bimbette: Oh! I know how to fix that! You have to open it up and blow. Just give it a good blow and then it's fine!
922 3rd Street
Sedro-Wolley, Washington
Overheard by: T-Rex
3PM Why -- What Did You Want to Do for Mom's 80th Birthday?
Cube dweller: I think we should force her to get drunk and embarrass her. After all, that's our way!
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McF
11AM I Hate This Place
Cube dweller: Just don't go around wearing green tights and you're good.
Addison, Texas
3PM How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?
Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That's it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!
708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM I Promise Not to Hold Your Hand to the Waffle-Iron Again
Manager to petrified new waitress: Relax, dammit! I said to relax!
8511 Lilley Road
Canton, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
4PM Tonight's Movie: Final Fantasy
Female coworker to male coworker: You need to squeeze as you smell the hole to make air come out.
Richmond, Virginia
1PM It'll Be the Best Thing on C-SPAN This Week
Vet examining dog with anal abscess: All this dog needs is an hour alone with its butt and its tongue.
Washington, DC
11AM And Make Sure the Kids Don't Either
Harried mom coworker on phone: Oh, and stay off the roof, and don't play with the sulfuric acid!
Warwick Boulevard
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: Next desk over
12PM Just Put Your Butt Down and Use Your Words
Black employee #1: I been assin' for a raise and assin' for a raise, but I ain't gettin' any.
Black employee #2: See, that's your problem -- the way you talk. You don't say assin' for a raise, you say, 'I been axin' for a raise.'
Men's room
Torrance, California
3PM Men Seem to Prescribe That for Everything
Male employee: Do you know what you really need right now?
Female employee: I need coffee.
Male employee: No, you really need to get laid. Now.
419 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
12PM Men Learn a Lot about the Women They Work With
Lady peon: What? No! You don't wanna put your boobs on the toilet seat!
Akron, Ohio
Overheard by: I don't even want to know, really
2PM Especially Since Your Cat Is Already "Meow Tse-Tung"
Worker bee: Seriously, you just should not name your dog after a rapist...
Medical office
Florida
Overheard by: The DM
1PM Dogs Seem to Prefer the Varsoviana
Customer: If you come across a strange dog, you have to look like you're dancing. Otherwise it'll attack you.
Tyler, Texas
1PM Investment Wanker Hard at Work
Cube rat on phone: Sometimes when you go vertical it's hotter than horizontal... You just have to play with it. Sometimes when I'm shooting and I'm too far away from the men's room...
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
4PM Aliens: Why Don't They Just Use E-mail?
Stoner coworker training newbie on fax machine: This fax machine, like, never works... But I find it really helpful if you whistle the tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind while you're faxing... [Newbie stares.] See?! Another fax through!
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Sarita
3PM Or at Least Faking a Seizure?
Female paralegal: I was in the bank the other day and I saw this cop -- oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I wanted to hold up the bank just to get his attention.
Male lawyer: Ever think of saying hello?
Cafeteria, Supreme Court
Nassau County, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM And by "Worked" I Mean They've Learned to Live with It
Cube dweller: I don't see why people need fertility counseling. They should just buy some cheap liquor and rent a Camaro. It worked for everyone I know on the South Side.
Norman, Oklahoma
2PM So, No Mayan Pyramids?
Manager: Yes, next week we'll all be in Mexico.
Woman #1: I hope you are going to relax this vacation.
Manager: I feel if I don't run around and see everything, I'm wasting the experience.
Woman #2: Let me explain something clearly to you: vacation is sex, food, sleep, more sex, more sex.
Manager: [Stunned.]
Woman #2: That's why you never come back relaxed. Sex, sex, nap, sex. Repeat that.
Garden State Mall
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Woman #3
5PM What Made Her Decide to Have That Surgery?
Chick to coworker: Ohhh, okay. Maybe she should stop getting f-ed in the nose. It's only gonna make her uglier.
Upper West Side
New York, New York
4PM No Expectations, No Disappointment
Worker bee #1: I've never had a Hungry Man meal before.
Worker bee #2: It's not bad. Just don't pretend you're eating real food.
Austin, Texas
10AM Or Throw the File behind the Radiator and Hope No One Notices
New girl: How do you file your customer requests?
Veteran: By subject.
New girl: But what if there are two subjects in one request?
Veteran: You pick one.
116th and Broadway
New York, New York
3PM That Was the Moment We Could Have Turned Back from the Brink
Student: So, now we have an extra microscope. Could we return it and get credit from the company?
Professor: Let's sell it on the black market and use the money for a really big party!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM I'm Excited about Our Constancy of Purpose, I Should've Said
New girl: I'm excited about the new direction of the company!
Boss: Um, we try to avoid saying 'new direction' around here.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Amused coworker
1PM Caller: Good News! They Told Me It Was Okay!
Coworker on phone: I believe the court will look unfavorably at you getting arrested, yes... Well, yeah, obviously a misdemeanor would be better than a felony... I am not saying it's okay. I'm saying that the court tends to sort of get pissed off at you when you get arrested at all, but it's even worse when you get arrested for a felony-level offense. What do you mean, you're not planning on getting caught? You're asking me about what your chances would be of getting your kids back if you got arrested... I'm pretty sure that's a felony. And no, I don't think the court will be lenient with you if you say you hold the drugs to make money to get your kids back. Not the criminal court or our court... Um, that's definitely a crime. Okay. Bye [hangs up]... How weird is it that I felt like there was nothing wrong with that conversation until after I got off the phone with her?
425 Shatto Place
Los Angeles, California
10AM 16 Years Old Is Legally Too Young to Consent to Dill
Woman to boss: You should absolutely take your daughter to see To Kill a Mockingbird. Unless, of course, you're worried about rape.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM Before I Order I Want You Both to Wash Your Hands, Okay?
Cube rat to another: ... Or you could try masturbating five times in one day!
Customer, entering moments before: [Clears her throat.]
Cube rats: ... Shit.
NW 39th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
11AM Told You We Should've Asked for an Energizer Baby
Woman pushing baby carriage: Bob*, I think it's dead.
Bob: Nah, it just needs a charge.
530 West State Street
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Schmeckendeugler
3PM Plus, We'll Get Utilities and Free Parking
Waitress #1: I can't tuck this corner. I suck at folding napkins.
Waitress #2: We should just make a monopoly line with this.
Waitress #1: [Stares blankly.]
Waitress #2: You know, a monopoly line? I'll start it, you finish it. We'll get this done faster.
34 Cooper Square
New York, New York
12PM His Business Model Is Predicated on People Being Stupid
Bimbette: Do you have any, like, advice for the test?
Tutor: Yeah -- if you get a fraction, then you probably got it wrong. Fractions are really bad. Like, if you get 81/3 or some other stupid number...
Bimbette: Right. Fractions are bad. Got it.
Girl passerby: You know that simplifies, right?
Tutor: You are such a nerd.
Middle school
Carmel Valley, California
12PM Honestly, Such a Fuss about Comma Faults
Editor to another: You're killing me. Why don't you just cover yourself with tapioca and let the birds eat you?
Beaumont, Texas
11AM And We've Already Been Picked Up by Spike TV
Office grunt: ... So then I said, 'Bill*, just throw a bunch of monkeys in a container and have them eat all the bananas.'
1111 Broadway
Oakland, California
2PM That's Not What They're Telling Us at Home
Lieutenant: I'm so cooold!
Major: There's a black fleece over there.
Lieutenant: I prefer to tough it out.
Major: Relax! It's not war.
Camp Arifjan
Kuwait
4PM Just Demonstrate While I Take Photos
Woman holding inhaler: So I just cock it and suck on it?
Nurse: You might not want to put it just that way.
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
4PM So "Demented Old Crab" Is Your Diagnosis?
Social worker on phone: No! Stay away from that negative force. She is a demented old crab! Okay, I love you, too. Drive safe. And remember -- no crabs. And pick up some Vonnegut now that he's dead.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
5PM The Church Watches Priests Closely These Days
Serious suit on cell: If he does that then he's going to have to give up the hookers and drugs, and I am not kidding.
San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Going Into Politics?
11AM I Have Your Card, Mistress Chaos
Office chick: I'm the coordinator for that program, so just holler if you get all tied up and need me to solicit someone for you.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Don't pick me
2PM Only to Women I Really Cared About
Concerned lady coworker: How is Ellen*? Did she find a new job yet?
Ellen's boyfriend: No, she hasn't even looked. Her self-esteem is really bad right now.
Concerned lady coworker: Awww -- you have to tell her she's beautiful every day.
Ellen's boyfriend: No! I can't do it. I won't do it!
Concerned lady coworker: Come on, lie to her. I'm sure you've lied to women before.
11442 West Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
5PM Army Recruiters Are Born, Not Made
Little kid: Hey, you want to come to my birthday party? It's all about hunting and killing and stuff.
TA: Um, I'll think about it.
Little kid: Listen, your mom isn't your boss anymore.
Sherwood Street
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Casey
3PM Our Slogan: We're Quivering to Help You
Presenter: Right, so not only do you have to help each other, but you also have to service your members.
Hotel
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: really bored
11AM So: Questions?
US sales manager in teleconference: We gotta let the elephant be the hot dog right outta the shoe.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
12PM At the Law Firm of Nasty, Brutish and Short
Maintenance guy: You gotta get your key out real quick or they're gonna swing an ax.
420 Western Avenue
Albany, New York
10AM They Always Do, Though
Tech support on phone to customer: You know what you just did? Yeah, never do that again.
Rockville, Maryland
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
10AM They Make Less-Expensive Bad Decisions
Office grunt: ... And that's why you should only have stupid children.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
3PM Ladies, This Is the Mark 29 Industrial Fan
Woman clerk: You all need to get your hot flashes together so we can get to work!
Springfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Azazel
10AM You're Not Supposed to Call Your Kids on Company Time
Woman, before using phone: Don't listen to me -- I have to lie.
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Only One of Those Can Be Eliminated
Director of nursing: I mean, you gotta be able to recognize the signs and be able to say, 'That's not a fear of dying, that's constipation!'
Hospice
Denver, Colorado
1PM This Job Never Gets Any Easier, Does It?
CSR: The best way to get through lasers is break dancing!
Columbus, Ohio
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
2PM NewsFlash: Indianapolis Churro Scandal!
Newbie: I need to use the restroom.
Waiter: If you need to shit you'd better get here before the Mexicans get in the employee bathroom. I don't know what the fuck they eat, but their shit smells like it has sugar on it.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
5PM Tonight's Movie: Livestock and Two Smoking Barrels
Suit: You need to get off your ass, take control of your life, and have that stupid cow arrested before she kills me.
1 Indiana Square
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
5PM She Supports Building Half an Immigration Wall
Woman #1: Did you see the Avon book in accounting?
Woman #2: No, I haven't.
Woman #1: Well, it's all in Mexican. Only a little bit on the back was in English... Instead of having the whole thing in Mexican, they should've just done it half and half.
260 West Seeboth Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
2PM Why Josie Spoiled in the Heat
Chick #1: Sometimes when I'm not wearing a bra and I don't want my nipples to poke out I put Band-Aids over them.
Chick #2: You put mayonnaise on your nipples?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
Chick #2: Mayonnaise?!
Chick #1: Yeah, Band-Aids.
9th and Broad Street
Chattanooga, Tennessee
9AM And the Surgical Interventions
Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!
West End
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag
4PM But Then My Kids Go and Put Them in Their Mouths
Hot girl #1: So, I itch.
Hot girl #2: Uh-oh. Time for cranberry tea. Get some at lunch.
Hot girl #1: And there's a big bump on, y'know, the opening.
Hot girl #2: Are you washing your toys after use them?
Hot girl #1: Every time?
100 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: No longer hungry!
12PM He's a Fendivore
Woman: Watch out for him -- he eats women's shoes.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Glad I'm wearing men's shoes
3PM Then Put This Blotter Paper in Your Mouth
Big mama running after child: Get over here!
Child: Nuh-uh [runs away].
Big mama, clenching teeth: I said get over here!
Child, terrified: No!
Big mama: Do you want to see the magical lions and rabbits outside?
Child: Oh! Yes!
Katy Mills Shopping Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Omid
2PM So How Many Can I Put You Down For?
Coworker to customer: That's what nipple rings are for.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
5PM And Clean Up after Yourselves
Flight attendant: ... And if this love plane becomes a love boat, please use your seat cushion as a flotation device.
Sacramento International Airport
California
Overheard by: Wishing I wasn't sitting next to my grandmother
2PM That's Why I'm Well-Behaved. And Deaf.
Loud old woman #1: Did you hear about that huge fight that took place over the weekend where that teenager got killed?
Loud old woman #2: That's why people should beat their children! Then this wouldn't happen!
3430 Courthouse Drive
Ellicott City, Maryland
4PM I'm a Secretor
Goatee guy on cell: Make sure you sanitize the keyboard.
Parking garage stairwell
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: iggy
2PM Wait, You Say It's What Would Jesus Do?
Soccer mom #1: The other night I saw a homeless man on the ground. It looked like he had fallen out of his wheelchair.
Soccer mom #2: Oh, no! Did you help him get back in it?
Soccer mom #3: No, you really shouldn't, because he could hurt you.
Soccer mom #2: ... Or bite you.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
1PM ... So Put This Plutonium in That Easy-Bake Oven
Senior project manager to younger engineer: To prove that something doesn't work you must first overload the crap out of it.
23rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: skippy
3PM I Prefer My Lies with Charts and Statistics
DBA: You're going to have to be more explicit when you say what you don't mean.
33rd floor, 1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Charliegator
2PM It's the Only Capital Crime in San Francisco
Employee #1: Is it warm outside?
Employee #2: Eh, it's a little chilly. Grab a sweater.
Employee #3: Or a vest. Or a sweater vest!
Employee #2: Oh, Sally*, no! It's never sweater vest weather.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
4PM And Type with the Other Hand
Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing.
New York, New York
Overheard by: i LOVE my job
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
2PM The More I Think about It, the More Willing I Become
Worker girl: I have to clean my room when I get home tonight. Clothing is everywhere.
Worker guy: Why? Are you having someone come over?
Worker girl: Not planning on it, but you never know.
Worker guy: Why the hell do you bother picking up clothing? Maybe if it were actually filthy... But if you're going to let a guy look at your vagina, he should be willing to deal with a shirt on your floor.
McLean, Virginia
Overheard by: Well He's Right
4PM There's No Room for Books at This Water Cooler
Coworker: Did you watch The Office last night?
Temp: No, I was reading.
Coworker: Well, buddy, you're working XYZ* Cable now. You better catch up so you know what we're talking about.
Temp: I'm a temp, I'm done this week anyway.
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Sixtwentysix
11AM You'll Have to Find Someplace Else to Store Your Plastic Scuba Divers
Principal over loud speaker: Attention, students, I repeat: the 400-level office is not an aquarium!
Montour High School Administration Building
McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: nemo
5PM Or Shaped Like Giant Doorways, in Case of Earthquakes
Guy clerk: Hey, this safety pamphlet says to get into the bathtub if a tornado is coming.
Gal clerk: Well, duh, why don't they just build houses shaped like giant bathtubs?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
11AM Something I Would Advise Against
20-something woman to 50-something man: I am not telling you what a Dirty Sanchez is. If you're so interested just Google it!
Oak Park, Michigan
9AM Where It's Win or Lose without the Rolling Disasters
GM: So, how are you doing?
Clerk: Well, I was almost fired today, so, you know, I've been crying a lot.
GM: You know what? You should really be having fun out here! Try to have a little fun out here!
Clerk: [Blinks.]
GM: Okay! Now I have to go coach Little League!
Howe Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM They're All Like, 'Boo Hoo, Who Moved My Cheese?'
Coworker to another about manager: So he said, 'If someone comes into your office crying, just ignore it. It used to freak me out, but now I realize it happens all the time.'
46th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
1PM But I've Realized It's Just Not Practical to Maintain a Mule in New York City
Banker lady: You know, Catherine Deneuve said, 'At a certain point you have to decide between your ass and your face...'
9 West 57th Street
New York, New York
5PM The Waterman 'Fountains of Wayne,' for Example, Never Disappoints
Woman: Now feel this one. Don't be afraid to show your lady customers the heftier pen. Some women like to have something with a larger diameter in their hand.
Washington, DC
12PM She's Just Trying to Avoid Tipping
Waitress: Can I help you, ma'am?
Middle-aged woman: You shouldn't call women 'ma'am.'
Waitress: Oh... Why not?
Middle-aged woman: Because 'ma'am' is short for 'madame,' which is a name for a woman who owns a brothel. Do you know what a brothel is?
Waitress: Ah, yes.
Middle-aged: Good. Besides, for young women you should call them 'miss.'
Waitress: Okay, can I help you, miss?
Middle-aged woman: Don't call me 'miss.'
Candlewood Chinese
Western Australia
3PM 'Bobby Brown'
Boss to newbie: Yay! So, tomorrow's Casual Friday, so you don't have to wear a tie. I usually wear shorts. You know, you can get away with a lot of casual clothing, but a certain dress code does still apply. You've got to wear a shirt... Although, so far no one has tried a wife beater. Hey, that'd be a way for you to make a name for yourself!
Glastonbury Boulevard
Glastonbury, Connecticut
12PM The Rest of Us Will Handle the Undertaking
Action officer: It's just not the most important undertaking we have, so I'm not going to kill myself to get it done.
Admin assistant: I disagree. I always think you should kill yourself.
Pentagon, 1490 Boundary Channel Drive
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Propagandist
1PM I Just Call Random Numbers to Keep People on the Level
Guy on phone: You gotta fuckin' tone it down, dude. I'm a fuckin' salesman, and I'm tellin' you, you gotta fuckin' tone it down. I like you. I'm tellin' you this because I like you.
Guy on speaker: Thanks.
Guy on phone: But you gotta fuckin' tone it down.
Guy on speaker: Could you please tell me what this is in regards to?
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM Um, Didn't You Attempt Suicide Last Year?
Cashier #1: Hey man, I think I might be gay.
Cashier #2: What's wrong?
Cashier #1: I keep having fantasies about being with a man. What should I do?
Cashier #2: Jerk off. A lot. If you do it enough, it'll get the gay out. It worked for me.
HEB Austin 15, North Lamar
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Jeff
11AM When Parents Can't Afford Blackberries
Two-year-old girl singing: Get the money, get the beer, get the money, get the beer...
Dressing room, Fashion Q
Granada Hills, California
Overheard by: Saucy
5PM Yeah, I Like the Attention, Though
Frustrated employee to dim coworker: If you'd stop being an idiot I wouldn't have to hate you anymore.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Feel The Same Way
4PM If That's Work, Then I Don't Want to Play!
Lady: ... So it's a strap-on, then. You just clamp it on and let it go to work.
Deer Park, Texas
3PM Have You Considered Not Sleeping?
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don't gets it. I's lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don't know where they be comin' from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I's wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I'm referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain't gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don't have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM The Coen Brothers: We're on It!
Coworker: You know, they really need to make more Queen Latifah movies.
4501 East Virginia Avenue
Glendale, Colorado
2PM Dude, If You Can Put It in Your Own Box, You Should Charge Admission!
Suit: We need to start putting our meat in someone else's box.
401 Merritt 7
Norwalk, Connecticut
2PM Cellhead: Did You Hear What That Guy Said? Ow! Quit It!
Male flight attendant: Okay, folks, one last time -- please turn your cell phones off. If the person next to you is talking on their phone, smack 'em! That should teach them.
Southwest flight 1911 to Oakland, California
Overheard by: Katie
10AM Can't Understand How Your Hair Got Stuck in My ID Badge
Girl employee: Ouch.
Guy employee: Oh, sorry. Okay, it's not going to work from the front, let's try it from behind.
14225 Newbrook Drive
Chantilly, Virginia
5PM It's So Expensive, and You Gotta Save Money to Buy Baby Stuff
Female coworker: I hate kids.
Male coworker: That'll change when you get pregnant.
Female coworker: But I never want kids!
Male coworker: Better stop drinking.
405 Hilgard Avenue
Los Angeles, California
5PM I Can't Wait Until It's Over the Counter!
Woman #1: I haven't been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what's really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, 'weed'!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
4PM You Have to Cut Out Sugar
Guy on phone: Slim-Fast doesn't work if you eat half a cake every night.
Stratford, Connecticut
5PM Because When You Just Keep Slapping Me, It Really Doesn't Get Your Point Across
Manager everyone loathes: It's okay to talk to me verbally about that...
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
3PM Suck It Up. Without Hyperbole You Have No Job
Fashion editor: Our editors are not sneaker enthusiasts. It's really hard for me to do a story saying this is the most important sneaker of our generation.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM I Can't Compete with That!
Boss: No, trust me. The last thing you want to do is bring your spouse on a company Las Vegas trip. You'll be divorced by the time you get home.
Salesman: Oh, really?
Boss: You know, because of all the drugs... and hookers.
Salesman: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
9633 South 48th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM Or Was It Amblyopia?
Golfer to coworker: I'm lucky I'm ambidextrous -- great for my game.
Woman: You want to be careful -- I know someone who died of that.
Finance Centre
Dublin
Ireland
2PM 0 People Found This Advice Helpful
Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I'm on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Usher: At Last! Someone Who Needs Me!
Employee handing customer a ticket: Enjoy your movie.
Customer: Where do I go?
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
9AM It'll Be Reanimation Thursdays All Over Again
Coworker #1: You know what we should do? Pool our money together and buy a cat.
Coworker #2: Would anybody feed it? 'Cause I don't want no dead cat runnin' around here.
Des Moines, Iowa
Overheard by: Gir
2PM Whatever, Mom
Cashier: Hi! How are you doing?
Customer, sighing: I'm 83 years old, my kids don't visit me and when they do their kids annoy the fuck out of me, I haven't had sex in 20 years, and you're out of my favorite ice cream.
Cashier: Look, lady, I didn't really care -- next time just freaking smile and say, 'I'm fine, how are you?' Now... Have a good day.
Customer: Thank you. See you tomorrow.
Piggly Wiggly
Farmville, North Carolina
Overheard by: MB
5PM Gives You Strength to Fight the War on Obesity
Large coworker: What you do is you split the Krispy Kreme in half and grill it, then put the cheeseburger on it, and I swear, it's the best way to have it.
Capitol Hill
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Jessica
2PM ... Impotence, Incontinence, Flatulence, Priapism...
Training instructor: You should not upgrade the software right when a patch comes out. Sometimes it may have bugs.
Student: So, it's like when you take a drug, sometimes it can have side effects like---
Training instructor: Yeah, but let's keep the discussion focused on software.
Student: ---Throwing up, vomiting...
Training instructor: Uh, yeah.
Madison, Alabama
9AM She Can Write That off As a Job Expense
Guy #1: So, my daughter tells me she wants to get her tongue pierced, and I told her there was no way in hell I would let her fuck up her teeth after all of the money we spent with those braces straightening up her teeth. And after I said that she actually understood where I was coming from.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah. Now she wants to get her nipples pierced.
Government office
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: b-chomp
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
2PM The CIA Has Been Making That Mistake for Years
Boss: So just use a black highlighter to mark---
Assistant: Black highlighter?
Boss: I meant 'Sharpie.' Yes, don't ever get the two mixed up.
Herndon, Virginia
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
1PM Did I Mention That I Won't Be Wearing Pants?
Employee #1: So basically, I'm going to wear a shirt that says, 'Ghouls Gone Wild' on it.
Employee #2: You can't do that! You have to dress slutty!
Sixforks and Strickland
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Heather
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Another Victim of the 'Math Is Hard' Barbie
Barista: What are you going to do when you grow up?
Little girl: Doctor.
Barista: You want to be a doctor? That's wonderful!
Little girl: No. Mommy told me to marry doctor and have kids. I want 27!
Ft Valley Road
Flagstaff, Arizona
3PM Pssst. Humans Are in Heat all the Time
Male coworker: It says I have to create a 'heat ticket.' Where is that?
Female coworker: Just open a general service ticket. I haven't had to go into heat to get that done.
50 Beele
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: JuJuBe
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
9AM A Recent Graduate of Turnip Truck University
Employee: I'd like to work the booth. I could be good at that. I'd like to travel, and go to trade shows.
Manager: You'd have to educate yourself so you can speak to clients about what we do here. You'd also have to work some weekends.
Employee: Do I get paid?
Manager: You get travel for free - meals, hotel, airfare.
Employee: Wow.
Manager: And of course your regular paycheck.
Employee: Is this scheme widely known in the company??
Rochelle Park
New Jersey
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
1PM Sir, You Need More Services Than I Can Provide
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
9800 Fredericksburg Road
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Raydran
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM At Last, An RDA Is Established for Cookies
Drone #1: I am trying really hard to stay away from these cookies on my desk.
Drone #2: Oh my God, tell me about it. Those cookies are GOOD.
Drone #1: Maybe if I look at how many calories they have, it'll be easier to stay away. One cookie, 120 calories.
Drone #3: Well, how many calories are you supposed to have?
Drone #1: I don't know. I think 2000 calories is supposed to be average.
Drone #3: And the cookies are 120? Then you can eat all you want!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM You Also Gotta Refrain From Calling it 'The Gerbil'
Sales guy #1: You're nasty!
Sales guy #2: I'm not the one that took the pictures on that site.
Sales guy #1: I'm not the one that's talking about shaving my gerbil!
Sales guy #2: Oooh... You gotta shave the gerbil. You GOTTA.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM I Clung to the Ceiling Until the Board of Regents Granted Me Tenure
Japanese professor: The peroxides are very volatile. If you drop them, we have to be out of the building before they hit the floor.
Grad student: I won't drop them.
Japanese professor: And only Japanese ninja can move that fast.
Grad student: OK.
Japanese professor: I am well trained in the art of the ninja.
10900 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.
Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.
Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.
Elevator
Houston, Texas
4PM He Runs a Brothel
Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"
Mount Prospect, Illinois
1PM Luckily All the Prejudice is Concentrated in Mississippi, Where We Can Keep an Eye on It
Co-Worker: You should move to Mississippi, so your children won't have to go to school with all those black kids. But people in Mississippi are really prejudiced though...
Memphis, Tennessee
1PM I'm Pretty Sure Mel Gibson Has Barely Touched His Copy
Young office worker: I need some Catholic classes or something. I get all confused about the Bible characters and Jesus.
Manager: Why not go to church? Or maybe when you go to college, they'll have a Bible study. Lots of kids do that.
Young office worker: I need something before then. I need Jesus for Dummies so I can catch up!
365 West Passaic Street
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: the cubicle right outside
4PM 'Steaming the Laundry,' From Page 949 of the Kama Sutra
Co-Worker: You need to preheat your hooha. This is too much.
Intern: We're still talking about the steaming the laundry, right?
Pickard Theater
Brunswick, Maine
Overheard by: grappling with zippers
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
2PM Sandi's Dead, But She Told Me Her Files Are in the Computer. Here's a Hammer.
Assistant: Do I need to do anything with this e-mail to Karen*?
Sales guy: No.
Assistant: Okay, I'm going to just drop it over into her folder and move on.
Sales guy: Okay, that's up to you.
Assistant: I save everything.
Sales guy: I like to delete. If I know you've saved it, I just delete it.
Assistant: Yeah, but what if my computer bursts into flames? Or what if I quit?
Sales guy: You? Quit? [laughs]
Assistant: You shouldn't laugh...
Sales guy: Oh.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Why Rich Babies Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Lady #1: I'm very tired. I went out last night.
Lady #2: Oh, did you have a lot to drink?
Lady #1: Of course not, I'm pregnant.
Lady #2: It's pretty bad to drink when you're pregnant.
Lady #1: Yeah, it's so expensive, and you've gotta save money to buy baby stuff.
Goulbourn Street
Sydney, Australia
10AM If We Don't Get Married, the Terrorists Win
Female patient: Oh! You're getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you're better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.
Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York
1PM Teens Really Should Be Cleaning That Up Themselves
Female co-worker #1: So my ob-gyn has been seeing all these young girls for their annuals this summer. She was amazed at how much sex they're having. Like 2 to 3 times a day. She had to tell them they had to stop having intercourse for a month so the Pill could take effect, and they say, "What are we supposed to do all summer?" She was shocked.
Female co-worker #2: How old are these girls?
Female co-worker #1: She said they're between 17 and 20 years old.
Female co-worker #2: Geez. Even if I had time to have sex 2 times a day, I'd have better things to do!
Female co-worker #1: Yeah, like clean up after my teenagers!
Motor Vehicle Building
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Not getting any either
12PM Epitaph: 'Six Feet, Seven Inches'
Teen #1: How far do you think this sweat drop will fly if I smack it with a hammer?
Teen #2: Hey, yeah, like CSI! Your forehead is real sweaty; smack it first.
Habitat for Humanity build site
Mississippi Gulf Coast
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM ...Or to Geography Class
Nurse #1: You better grab that. It's leaning like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Nurse #2: Oh, I've never been to France.
339 Windermere Road
London, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Amanda
12PM He Already Has Plans For Them
Employee #1: Dave*, you're what, 27? You're too young to get married. You need to wait until you're 35 and then marry a 23 year old. Birthing is just "bam! bam! bam!"-- brutal on them. So you need to marry young.
Employee #2: So I need to work here for 8 years and marry a girl who is just graduating from here?
Employee #3: Start looking, man. She's in high school now.
Employee #2: She'd be what, 15? Hey, Jim*, how old are your daughters?
Employee #1: 13 and 15...Shut up!
3800 Victory Parkway
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM I Tried Putting a Floppy in Her Once...Nothing
Computer guy #1: I can't see the hard drive on this network.
Computer guy #2: Well, the problem is that the disk isn't mounted. First you have to mount Claire*.
Claire: Hey!
Computer guy #2: Claire is the name of the office hard drive.
701 South Mount Vernon Avenue
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Amused
3PM Only Bitter Experience Prompts This Kind of Advice
Rep on phone with trucker: You do know you can't drive your rig into the ocean, right? That's bad...Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have a nice view.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Brandon, Mississippi
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Why Not Everyone Should Reproduce
Waiter, at new copy machine: Which way does this go in: face down or up, sideways or lengthways?...You're not going to tell me, are you?
Manager: We've got plenty of paper over there; keep trying until you get it right.
45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM In Fact, That's the Dictionary Definition of 'Okay'
Voice over the PA: If you see people in camouflage running around with guns and hear explosions, it is okay.
Hall Drive
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Zarbettu
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
3PM Down Syndrome, My Ass. Get Out There and Work That Backhand!
Tennis instructor to day-campers: You were special last year. You are not special anymore. If you still suck this year, leave these courts.
Birchwood Swim & Tennis Club
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: rachel kieffer
9AM But They Still Look 17, and That Makes All the Difference
Teacher: You know, now that they are both 18, we can rape them, and it wouldn't be considered statutory.
2 Stewart Place
Eastchester, New York
Overheard by: Johnnymunz
11AM They'll Never Guess You're Tara Reid Just by Looking at You
Doctor, to patient: Well, if you just don't tell them who you are, you won't have that problem.
7950 West Mississippi Avenue
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: LAP
5PM Next Time Break Up Via E-mail
Employee on phone: You are a psycho if you think you'll break up with me over the phone!...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?...What am I supposed to say to a psycho?!
Co-Worker: For my sake, you can say goodbye to a psycho!
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Donated By Public-Spirited Clitizens
Librarian #1: Take a look at these new book donations that just came in.
Librarian #2: Oh, it's just a bunch of Chick Lick; we don't want it.
Librarian #1: Don't you mean Chick Lit?
Librarian #2: I stand by my statement.
501 Maitland Avenue
Maitland, Florida
Overheard by: Kristen
9AM Any Time There's No One Else in the Building, That Is
Supervisor: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to keep this door to the hallway open.
Temp: But it's so noisy out there.
Supervisor: I'm sorry, but we like to have an open door policy. If you want, you can come talk to me about it privately at any time.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: a different temp
1PM Corporations Can Write Off Crazies on Their Taxes, Can't They?
Co-Worker #1: Don't say "big business." They'll just write us off as anti-corporate crazies.
Co-Worker #2: But we are anti-corporate crazies.
Pause.
Co-Worker #1: Yes...but we don't want to be written off as anti-corporate crazies nonetheless.
1700 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: ECO
12PM With Human Sacrifice? What Kind of School Did You Go To?
Patent attorney: The US is like the popular kid in high school. Nobody likes 'em, but you have to appease 'em.
1425 K Street, NW
Washington, DC
11AM Over Six Million Sold
Copywriter: How about 'Widget* is your final solution for packaging needs'?
Copyeditor: I think we should use any other description.
Copywriter: Why? Does it not make sense?
Copyeditor: Only if you're not talking about the Holocaust.
4th and Congress
Austin, Texas
1PM The Trick Is Eating Kim Chee and Never Showering
Asian guy: Hey, look! A butterfly!
White guy: Why don't you go catch it? That's what Asians do.
Asian guy: No, we catch flies.
White guy: With fucking chopsticks?
Asian guy: Yeah, but if you give me two cigarettes I could probably use those.
Parkland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gloria
1PM Sensitivity Training
Coworker: It's easy to determine who needs to take a sexual harassment class; just ask the person if "harass" is one word or two. If they say two, they need to take the class.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Not the guy who needs the class
10AM Control Room
Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won't know how to write code.
880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
9AM Back to Work
Receptionist: Hey, help me with this list. The boss wants me to go to the store and get some stuff for the coffee room. You know, stuff like filters and cups and stuff. But I can't figure out what these icet rays are.
HR clerk: Let me see the list...Sweetie, this says ice trays. You know, for the freezer to freeze water into cubes.
Receptionist: Are you sure? Because if the boss wants icet rays, that's what I better get.
HR clerk: Well okay, if you really want icet rays, try the office supply store and make them check in the back. You may have to ask for their manager.
Receptionist: Thanks, see you in a little while.
HR clerk: You know, I should have used that opportunity to sell her a bridge.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
2PM Waiting Room
Girl #1: I use the pull and pray method.
Girl #2: Girl, pull and pray...they never do it. It doesn't work.
Girl #1: Yes it does! It just doesn't work ninety percent of the time.
45 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: not dating either of them
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: Have you been to Joey's*? It's awesome.
Coworker #2: Not in a long time. Not since it was a deli.
Coworker #1: Oh, you should go. They have those big hooba wooba pipes...Hooba booba...Hooba hooba pipes?
Coworker #2: Do you mean hookas?
Coworker #1: Yeah.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
11AM Smoke Break
Bookseller: I cleaned up all the damn puppets. All of them! Then, watched as a father allowed his children to throw all of them on the floor, play for an hour, then leave them. He grinned at me, said 'Kids, right?', then left. It took all I had not to tear that grin off his face, and shove it so far up his fucking ass that I could then reattach it backwards...Wow, four hours really is too long to go without a cigarette!
Cashier: That was the best image I've had all day. Go smoke so that I can savor it alone.
430 W Vine Street
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Laughing coworker
12PM Lunch
Woman on phone: Mom, tell my brother that if he doesn't pick up his car, I'm gonna have it towed.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want it parked in front of my house.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want to advertise to the entire neighborhood that black people live here.
465 Main Street
Charlestown, Massachusetts
1PM Design Meeting
Designer to photo researcher: Try to find a nice child abuse shot.
10801 N. MoPac Expressway
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: always listening
2PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: You live in the country, they were there first! If you didn't want any animals you should have lived in the city!
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
4PM Stress Management
Warehouse employee, furiously banging tools around: Happy place, go to your happy place.
150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut
overheard by: I love this place!
2PM Swearing In
Court officer speaking to almost-admitted attorneys awaiting ceremony: And when you stand, don't lock your knees or stand up straight, just relax and kind of hunch over, we don't want anyone to collapse -- it has happened before, and it is like attorney dominoes...
45 Monroe Place
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lans
12PM Lunch
Male co-worker #1: Stay away from [Pam]. She knows kickboxing.
Male co-worker #2: So? I know how to run very, very fast.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Brainstorming Session
Manager: We should try putting up our design pattern library on one of those new . . . kiwis!
Drone: [Sigh] Wikis?
1 Kirkwood Boulevard
Southlake, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning... apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood... $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It's only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We'll use the hamsters to make fur coats... Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we'll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men's bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we're done selling them all, we'll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too -- a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let's try not to eat them.
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: I don't care if you threw up or not, I'm not canceling that dentist appointment...Well, take some Tums and go anyway. If you have to throw up again, throw up on them; who cares?
321 Norristown Road
Ambler, Pennsylvania
4PM Smoke Break
Ad Design #1: I'm having trouble of sleeping and was thinking of getting Ambien.
Ad Design #2: You're too young to take sleeping pills. Have you tried crack?
151 West 34th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sarah
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
12PM Finalize Conference
Senior VP: Make sure you reserve a king size bed because there's going to be two of us.
600 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC
12PM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Manager: Seriously, guys. We have to be careful...Anything like
that happens again, we'll be up a paddle without a handle.
606 Folsom Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve Benson
4PM Check Classifieds
Boss: You shouldn't keep your desk so clean.
Analyst: You want me to make a mess on my desk before I leave every night?
Boss: It's a perception thing.
1 American Road
Cleveland, Ohio
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: But the nice thing is, this way, you can get up from your desk for a while.
Worker #2: Yeah...I could really use some blood in my ass.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Lawyer: Sure, what's up?
Secretary: So you're Indian, right? I'm going to an Indian funeral today. And I'm not sure how to act.
Lawyer: Well...you're not supposed to laugh.
Secretary: But they're so Indian that they're going to have her cremated.
Lawyer: That doesn't mean you can laugh. Also wear all white.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
9AM Back to Work
Designer: Hey, you left your turn signal on. Better turn it off or you'll run out of blinker fluid.
Secretary: Oh, okay. I don't even know how to check that. I'll have the guy at the dealership fill it next time.
201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Today was like International Day at McDonalds this morning. Not one person spoke with a Midwest accent...I was gonna be like, "Oh, they are so fucking up my breakfast."
Worker #2: Did you hear that there are more terrorists in Ohio?
Worker #1: Yeah? First they want to blow up our malls here in the city, now kill the President. They are always in Ohio. You never hear about them in like, Montana. That's where the Nazis are.
Worker #3: Yeah, the terrorists are up there on the 4th floor...You should go up there.
Worker #2: I'm not going up there.
Worker #1: They do have a nice floor up there.
1 Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Call Ambulance
Boss: If you're going to get electrocuted, do it on your own time.
4610 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Hugo Delgado
5PM That's a Wrap
CEO: I think we should name [the product] SINBAD after [Janet].
Underling: "SINBAD"?
CEO: Single Income, No Boyfriend, and Desperate.
27 Gillies Avenue
Newmarket, Auckland
New Zealand
2PM Conference Call
Manager: You could sit in my office since I am dialed in, but I just got over the crud so maybe that is not such a good idea. Why don;t you go down to the Alpha Room?...No, scratch that. Those guys went
to Taco Bueno for lunch and I am not sure that is such a good idea. Maybe you just better dial in from your office.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
5PM Off to the Dentist
Dental Assistant: Whatever you do, don't lick your tongue.
710 NW Juniper St.
Issaquah, Washington
Overheard by: Margaret
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Don't do as I do. In fact, don't even do as I say.
2807 Gulf Freeway
Houston, Texas
12PM Send Out Press Release
Boss: So see if you can find these people's email addresses.
Intern: ...You want me to find Desmond Tutu's email address?
Boss: Try Google if you get stumped.
2130 H Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor: Okay, let me give you some advice. I've seen a lot of Lifetime movies, and--
Employee: You know, I think I gotta ask someone else about this. Thanks, though!
107 Jackson Street
Berea, Kentucky
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: The worst thing you can do is pull over on the side of the road and get into your trunk. It's a good way to get yourself killed.
1201 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia
11AM Compile Mailers
Employee #1: You're making a mess with the mail. Envelopes are all over the place. They're calling me to come clean them up.
Employee #2: They're calling you? What are they saying?
Employee #1: "Come clean me up. I'm strewn about the table."
Employee #2: ...Because evelopes have such a good vocabulary.
Employee #1: Of course they do. That's why they don't stay sealed. They've got a lot to say.
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
2PM Team Meeting
Employee: It's called toxic shock syndrome. We have to hurry and finish this meeting.
23133 Outer Drive
Allen Park, Michigan
11AM Beta Testing
Director: We simply can't idiot-proof everything. Sometimes the idiots just have to suffer and die.
Co-worker: I think that's called "evolution".
2100 I-70 Drive SW
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Amy Zing
1PM Lunch
Owner: 28 cents isn't a lot, but after 100 times spending it, that's $28. Listen man, $28 is a bottle of champagne! Instead of throwing it in the trash can, I can drink it, man! $28 on top of $28...That starts to add up to a few bottles of champage and pretty girls and a nice dinner!
8860 NW 24th Terrace
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Amanda
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, I keep getting the hiccups!
Co-worker #2: Try holding your breath for ten minutes.
2815 Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
12PM Hire Receptionist
Co-worker #1 on intercom: [Renee], you have a call on line one.
Co-worker #2 on intercom: [Brenda], there is a call on line 3 for you.
Boss on intercom: All right, people. We have to stop using this all-over-the-building page thing for no good reason.
1710 Roy Acuff Place
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR on phone: Call back tomorrow and we'll see if we can get the world to revolve around you.
175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Department Meeting
Employee #1: ...but you don't have to listen to me. I'm not the boss or anything; I'm just the only one here who knows how to do anything.
Employee #2: And the difference is?
700 West Highland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Developer: So we need to get those trees down before the rafters come back.
Underling: "Rafters"?
Developer: R-a-f-t-e-r-s. You know, like a hawk? They're gonna nest in the trees if we don't cut 'em down first.
Underling: Right. Raptors.
855 Capitolio Way
San Luis Obispo, California
4PM Mail Thank You Notes
Employee #1: I don't know what to write.
Employee #2: How about, "I'm surprised you cheap skanks chipped in ten bucks a piece"?
Employee #1: ...I was thinking more, "I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this."
327 West Michigan Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
12PM Update Resume
Worker #1: Man, I'm having a hard time since I've had to write about me. Do you have any suggestions?
Worker #2: I don't know. It's been a long time since I've had to sell myself.
900 Washington Avenue
Waco, Texas
10AM Staff Meeting
Manager: If we peed out our nose, then we wouldn't have this problem.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Don't mail your boogers to people!
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
2PM Construction in Progress
Maintenance #1: Don't break 'em off.
Maintenance #2: Don't break what off?
Maintenance #1: These nuts.
224 South Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Warehouse Inventory Due
Warehouse Manager: Be sure to take all the plywood runners, and all the woodchucks you can find.
Driver: "Woodchucks"?
Warehouse Manager: Yeah, put them under the wheels to help with traction.
41049 Boyce Road
Fremont, California
12PM Development Update
Programmer #1: How do I turn on logging in the web application?
Programmer #2: Talk dirty to it.
5450 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: All we ever talk about in this office is food. It is
always in the conversation.
Co-worker #2: Well, it is at every social occasion, and we center our lives around it in a way.
Co-worker #1: We should all become prostitutes so our conversations
center around our sexual liaisons rather then food.
2601 4th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
12PM Budget Meeting
Manager: We should do it. I'm just concerned that the cost will be too exuberant for us to overcome.
180 Varick Street
New York, NY
2PM Conference
Conferenceperson: Could you please have a pot of coffee ready for my 2 o'clock meeting?
Secretary: Um, there's a scheduled 1 hour long power outage at 1:30.
Conferenceperson: That's okay, we have lights.
Computer Science Building
Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Let's take the new Financial Controller from [the client] out to lunch. Is she cute?...Oh, it's a guy...Does he have a sense of humor?
680 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
12PM Research 401(k) Options
Co-worker #1: What? You don't contribute to your 401(k)?
Co-worker #2: No, but it's my New Year's resolution.
Co-worker #1: 2 words: free money! 2 words, a bunch of syllables: free money.
1615 H Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Back to the Pit
Co-worker: Stop putting on your makeup at work! Do it on the subway, like normal people!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Doctor's wife: You guys are going to get my husband's pracitice flagged by the insurance companies.
Biller: We only enter in the system what you have written on the charge ticket.
Doctor's wife: Well you guys are the billing company. You should know better not to trust everything you see.
221 West 21st Street
Lorain, Ohio
2PM Deposit Checks
Mortgage Specialist: I have to say this loan is for you. In fact, if you were to reject the loan I would frankly have to drive down to
your house and shoot your porch light out.
Borrower: Well we can't have that now, can we?
440 W 200 S
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: AK 47
11AM Employee Orientation
Employee #1: Have you seen the new girl?
Employee #2: No, but Fat Matt in cube 3 was just asking for some ketchup, so you better hurry!
6666 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Let's take care of that tomorrow.
Employee: Let's as in "you and me", or "you, me and [Kate]", or "me and [Kate]"?
Boss: Let's as in "you and Kate]." I shouldn't be involved unless there's a problem.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Sometimes I just get caught up in all this stuff, it's so hectic.
Employee #2: You have to stop once in a while and find some sunshine.
Employee #1: I'd rather just find some moonshine.
50 West State Street
Trenton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jimmy Fingers
11AM Conference
Help Desk #1: Who should we send?
Help Desk #2: Let's send [Jessica].
Help Desk #3: She's perfect.
Help Desk #2: Of course, she's female.
Help Desk #1: Yeah, she's very female!
123 Pitkin Road
Plainfield, Vermont
3PM Smoke Break
Accounts Payable: I wish sometimes I was tippin' it at my desk.
Accounts Receivable: Tippin' what?
Accounts Payable: You know, the bottle.
Accounts Payable: Yeah, but you gotta be a good alcoholic, and at least show up for work every day. That's what I do.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker #1: I really want to go get a cookie from the food cube, but [Anne's] using the computer in there
Co-worker #2: Well, go get one anyway. And tell her to pull her pants
down.
127 Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM Training
Tech: Okay, now right-click there.
Admin: Here?
Tech: No, right-click. Right there.
Admin: Okay...
Tech: No, get rid of that. Right-click. Right there. Right-click. Right-click...Which button are you clicking?
Admin: The left one.
Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker #1: I'm going to go wander the halls. I'm gonna take this reading material.
Co-worker #2: Oh, those halls. Well, deck the halls.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
4PM Annual Review
Lawyer: You need to learn how to be human. Be less perfect; you don't have to be so precise about everything. Be less professional. Any questions?
Secretary: Yeah. Do you have a handbook for how to be human?
Lawyer: Oh, now you're going to be a smartass.
701 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
10AM Tech Support
Tech on phone: Okay, go ahead and type in your password...Yep, just type it in...In the password field...Just type it...With your keyboard...Should be right in front of you... Has letters on it...Great!
3601 SW Murray Boulevard
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: onebadwebmonkey
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher: I don't know if my students will regress enough to qualify for summer services.
Principal: You should play music really loud when you test them.
299 Rathbun Willard Drive
Attleboro, Massachusetts
11AM Interviews
Candidate: Do you have a listing of job openings?
HR Secretary: Yes, there is a list on the blue piece of paper on the table.
Candidate: Which one?
HR Secretary: The blue piece of paper.
Candidate: This one?
HR Secretary: Yes.
Candidate: I'm not qualified for any of these. Do you have any other positions open?
HR Secretary: Did you turn it over? There are more job listings on the back.
Candidate: Oh.
155 Deer Hill Avenue
Danbury, Connecticut
4PM Order New Fan
Co-worker #1: You should get that fan fixed. It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind it.
Co-worker #1: It's really loud.
Co-worker #2: I don't mind. I just pretend I'm working in my private jet at 30,000 feet. It's noisy for a computer fan but it's really quiet for a jet.
2137 Highway 35
Holmdel, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chuck Roast
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Make sure you eat some of the leftovers from the potluck.
Co-worker #2: Okay.
Co-worker #1: And you'd better hurry before [Nick] and [Sara] get in there and stuff their faces. They give pigs a bad name.
10011 109th Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
5PM Pick Up the Kid
At little boy spills his drink. The supervisor hands him a mop
Supervisor: Now go clean up the mess you made. This will teach you what you'll be doing when you grow up.
20410 Highway 46 W
Spring Branch, Texas
12PM Revisit Questionnaire
Suit #1: All my clients complain that the questionnaire package we require is too onerous.
Suit #2: Really? I never get any complaint about ours.
Boss: Well, have you ever seen his package? Maybe you two should get together and compare packages.
245 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: If the item you need to return doesn't fit back in the box, maybe you could snip off the edges to make it fit. Either way it will all get back to our warehouse.
225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
5PM Find a New Ride Home
Assistant teacher: Shit, never get in a car with him. He drove me home once, and halfway home I realized he was so drunk, and he wouldnt let me out of the car. He started going almost 80 miles an hour!
Teacher: Oh, I thought he was a good driver. When I got in the car, though, he just said, "I'm just warning you. I'm a little tipsy right now."
450 Glen Cove Avenue
Glen Head, New York
12PM Fire Drill
Assistant Building Emergency Coordinator: Why don't we have the security officers make the evacuation announcements? They are located next to the building PA system.
Manager: I am not sure they are qualified and capable of using the microphone to make announcements.
600 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Cigarette Break
Nurse #1: But don't be swayed by the money.
Nurse #2: I'm not swayed by the money. I like being poor.
157 East 86th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kira
10AM Call Building Maintenance
Co-worker #1: I'm really hot.
Co-worker #2: I'm turning the heat down to 90. If anyone's cold then they can go into [Jessica]'s office, but first you have to take off your clothes because it's a sauna in there.
Co-worker #3: You shouldn't tell people to take their clothes off before going into [Jessica]'s office.
57 Binney Street
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM Staff Meeting
VP: We learn much faster when there is a gun to our head.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
2PM IT Conference Call
Tech Support: Okay, I need you to go to a command prompt and type
"'mail from:' your email address" and this should get you a connection.
User: It didn't work.
Tech Support: Okay, so you typed "'mail from:' your email address" and it didn't work for you?
User: Wait a minute. Did you say you wanted me to type "nail" or "mail"?
1010 Niagara Street
Buffalo, New York
12PM Follow Up with Buyer
Manager: Did you get a response back from that email you sent to the buyer yet?
Co-worker: No; I didn't ask her for one. She knew what action I took and if she didn't agree with me, she can call me.
Manager: No, no. You should always include "please advise" in the email, in case they don't receive the email.
8000 Bent Branch Drive
Irving, Texas
11AM Section Meeting
Supervisor: We have to use E. G.
Co-worker: "E. G."?
Supervisor: Yeah, engineering judgment.
20000 Rotunda Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
12PM Pass the Buck
VP Research: The client would like us to find a creative way to solve the problem.
Field Manager: I am tired of looking for the solution to this problem; let's start looking for someone to blame instead...
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
10AM Reply to Email
Co-worker #1: Does she always send emails in 72 point font?
Co-worker #2: Oh, that's "mad" typing.
Co-worker #1: How should I respond to this?
Co-worker #3: You should reply using 86 point font.
Co-worker #2: They don't make 86 point font. I've tried it before. You should use 8 point font in Bernhard Fashion BT or some other font that's hard to read.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I'll do that. She won't be able to read it.
Co-worker #2: That'll really piss her off.
620 Greison Trail
Newnan, Georgia
9AM It's Going to End Badly Today
Co-worker #1: My corner is dark and quiet.
Co-worker #2: You should move over here.
Co-worker #3: Just make sure you don't wear Stevie Wonder glasses over at your corner.
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
12PM Work on Database
Coder #1: I liked the fix you did on that bug.
Coder #2: When in doubt, just take away access from the user. It's a fascist approach, but I swear by it.
Coder #1: Right...
141 West 28th Street
New York, NY
4PM Pitch Meeting
Middle Manager: He wanted to talk about organic augmentation.
Boss: Did you tell him yours was large enough to be one?
2076 South Street
Quantico, Virginia
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: So, I think I have decided to give up caffeine. But I can't decide if I should give up liquid caffeine, or sugar caffeine.
Co-worker #2: You should give up the liquid kind.
Co-worker #1: Does that mean I have to give up my coffee in the mornings?
Co-worker #2: Naw, just cut back on the amount of pop you drink.
6700 Antioch Road
Overland Park, Kansas
11AM Meeting with NJ Branch Folks
Co-worker on phone: When you get out of the subway station start walking North--
Manager: Don't tell them that...your North is different from my North and it's a tarantula downpour outside. You don't want them walking the wrong way in the rain.
Co-worker: Everyone's North is the same and it's torrential downpour.
Manager: Everyone's North is the same? I always get my Norths mixed up.
535 8th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Angie Rowe
12PM Call My Best Friends: Maintenance
IT: Yeah, seems like your floor plate is damaged, you're going to have to clear your books so they can fix it.
Worker: "Books"? is that like cookies on your computer?
IT: ...
4 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: KaotiXX
9AM I'm Nauseous Already
Boss: Make sure you wear something nice like that skirt you had on last weekend.
DJ: But what if it's cold outside this weekend?
Boss: Doesn't matter...the Army guys will pull more recruits if you broadcast in something a little revealing. Plus they paid a lot of money for this remote.
1711 Ellis Drive
Valdosta, Georgia
Overheard by: Todd McClure
10AM Call an Ambulance
Receptionist: What happened to your light?
Worker: The switch broke off.
Receptionist: Well, how can you work in the dark? Are they going to fix it?
Worker: [Chris] went to shut off the fuse so that he can work on it.
Receptionist: Here, I'll fix it.
Worker: Stop it, you'll electrocute yourself!
11 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Training Seminar
Trainer: Oh, you wanna click there? Well you can't do that click until you're done clicking the other clicks.
Employees: ...
503 Martindale Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM Reboot Registers
Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
12PM Meeting (Cont'd)
VP: I don't necessarily want you to improve one thing by 100%, but if you improve 100 things by 1% you will still have made 100% improvement. That's all I ask.
5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
10AM Cultural Sensitivity Workshop
Co-worker #1: Hey, look at this expense report. It says he took $50
cab rides everyday and he has no receipts! He's milking us.
Co-worker #2: Wow! But don't say that to our boss. She's Jewish too.
4301 N. Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
12PM Prepare Reports
Co-worker #1: You know that copier sorts on its own...
Co-worker #2: I know, I just like to press buttons.
2990 Mack Road
Fairfield, Ohio
Overheard by: Kimmie
12PM Conference Call
Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don't, but I'm sure [Sarah] can show you.
W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Dude
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.
57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois
9AM Why, Monday, Why?
Co-worker #1: I'm really tired this morning.
Co-worker #2: Why don't you try Red Bull?
Co-worker #1: That stuff doesn't work for me.
Co-worker #2: Well, have you ever tried it without the vodka?
2783 Lancashire Road
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
2PM Managers' Meeting
Owner: You've got to tell me these things. I don't know everything that's going on...you'd be surprised at what I don't know.
2100 Goshen Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Doctor: Did you put the drugs in the drug room?
Nurse: No! I can't find where they are supposed to go. Every time I try and find the drugs in that room I want to kill somebody!
Doctor: Please don't. We shouldn't be killing any more patients anyway.
250 West Bridge Street
Dublin, Ohio
4PM Another Day Draws to a Close
Co-worker #1: Okay guys, I'll see you next week. I'm heading off to Tennessee to see relatives.
Co-worker #2: Well, don't hook up with anybody.
456 North Kimball Place
Boise, Idaho
1PM Lunch
Underling: These people were home users. We also have data for work users, but they shouldn't be double-counted in the combined numbers.
Boss: I am definitely going to Taco Bell tonight.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
3PM Coffee Break
Building service: Coffee's shit, man.
White collar: Yeah. Gotta work, though.
The building service person snorts an imaginary line from the countertop.
Building service: Dat's da shit you need, man. Coke id up.
1114 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
2PM Order "Alligator Ointment"?
Partner: I have alligators snapping at my ass.
Admin: That could chafe, so you may want to get an ointment for that.
2100 16th Avenue South
Birmingham, Alabama
11AM Schedule Events
Musician on speaker: We are super-psyched, yo. It is huge for us.
Producer: You need to do this show, if you do this show you are going to blow up. Blow up like shit!
441 East 12th Street
New York, NY
12PM Follow Up with National (?)
Employee #1: I've talked to National and one group says we should be doing this procedure but another group doesn't want us to do this procedure.
Employee #2: Hmm. You should follow up with National, then.
Employee #3: That's what [Employee #1] has been talking about, her follow-up with National.
Employee #2: Oh. When was the last time you talked to them?
Employee #1: About two or three weeks ago.
Employee #2: Yeah, that's too soon.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
12PM Prep for Meeting
Boss: So do you think I should get 3 pies for the meeting since we have 30 people?
Worker Bee #1: Sure, 3 pies should be enough.
Worker Bee #2: I think you need more than 3.
Worker Bee #1: How many do you think we should get?
Worker Bee #2: We need 3.14159 pi.
Boss: Get out of my office. Now.
1010 Second Avenue
San Diego, California
12PM Clean Out Inbox
Employee #1: Shit!
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: I told you how I had eleven thousand spam messages in my other email address?
Employee #2: No, I didn't knew that.
Employee #1: So I did as [Filippo] said, I grabbed them from within Yahoo! mail, figuring out it would throw the spam away automatically.
Employee #2: Really.
Employee #1: Apparently it doesn't do that for another email account. Shit. Now I screwed my Yahoo! mail too. I can't believe it. I'll have to manually check eleven thousand messages as spam on this precious address. I am going to kill myself.
Employee #2: Wait, you have to read eleven thousand messages? Who send you that?
Translated from the Italian.
Viale Bianca Maria 6
Milan, Italy
12PM Class
Trainer: Now who can receive a "reasonable accommodation"?
Employee: You should get one for your hair!
645 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
11AM Layouts
Co-worker #1: Thank you so much [Dan] for getting me all of the ledes that I needed for the articles so last minute.
Co-worker #2: Oh, it's no problem. It was easy, I can show you how to do it.
Co-worker #1: No, I'd rather you do it, thanks.
Co-worker #2: I can easily show you.
Co-worker #1: If there was a fire and you were burning, I'd assume you'd have a cell phone, so I could still call you and you'd still do it for me.
2105 C Street
Vancouver, Washington
11AM Sign Contracts
Boss: But it shouldn't be done this way!
Boss's boss: I know. We're getting fucked. But let's just enjoy it.
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Catch Up on Paperwork
Service Manager: Really, you have to stop bring these back to me.
Office chick: No, you just need to do them right in the first place.
215 US Route 1
Falmouth, Maine
12PM Call Tech Support
Tech Support Technician: Okay...go ahead and open up the internet.
777 S. Figueroa Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Check Out the General Air System
Guy #1: Man it stinks in here.
Guy #2: HR should offer training in the courtesy flush.
12545 Riata Vista Circle
Austin, Texas
2PM Check E-mail!!!
Guy: Dude, that's stupid. That attachment went out to like the whole office, you totally can't do that...Yeah, the girl was pretty hot, though.
915 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Cancel Joe's Surprise Party
Receptionist: Joe Barnes, please come to the office, you have a phone call.
Employee: You might have to speak up. And also? If he shows up, I'm leaving.
Receptionist: Why, don't you like him?
Employee: No, it's not that, it's just that he's been dead for two years.
5900 West Chester Road
West Chester, Ohio
1PM Go Out to Lunch
Co-worker: Avoid the bathroom in about an hour, you-know-who just sat down to eat some pea soup.
1 International Plaza
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: courtesy flush
11AM Star Jones Isn't Pulling Her Weight (No Pun)
Queen: I tell you what you do. You put her computer inside a Krispy Kreme box, maybe then she'll get some work done.
142 Greene Street
New York, NY
1PM Think of It Less as Creation and More as Intelligent Design
Art Director: We had another "captain literal" sighting in a client
meeting today. People are stupid.
Copywriter: Be less creative. It always works for me.
930 S. Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
11AM Maybe Those Are Actually the Choices Down in Oz
Boss: Can you help me with this Word document? I want to change it so that the layout is horizontal instead of vertical.
Secretary: Okay, go into File, then Page Setup.
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: You see where it says "Page Source"?
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: Okay. Now you see where it says "Orientation"? Make your choice.
Boss: Gay or straight?
525 Collins Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia
Overheard by: Captain Pants
11AM That's Why You Keep Forgetting Those Reports
Boss: Make sure you tickle your calendar to remind you to do the reports.
Co-worker: Tickle?
Boss: Use the tickler system; you do know what a tickler is, don't you?
Co-worker: Yes, but...you don't use the one I know at work.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
2PM There Goes the Dream of Olympic Gold...Showers
Co-worker #1: I just got this great book you should read. It's got
everything you always wanted to know about sex. It's got pictures and
positions and everything.
Co-worker #2: Books are for amateurs. When it comes to sex I'm a pro.
1215 2nd Avenue
Nashville, Tennessee
9PM I Just Want to Know What a Tannoy Is
Tannoy: A pair of glasses has been found in the car park. If you have lost a pair, please come and pick them up from reception...if you can find the way.
Thames House
Thames Road, Crayford
England
4PM Good Luck Filling That Void
Male co-worker: You might want to take a few lessons on domestication...Life is unfair, and you're still a woman.
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oink
7PM I Suppose It Comes with the Position
Conference call guru: There are a few master brands out there to look to.
Co-worker #1: I'd love to be a masterbrander.
Co-worker #2: Then we could say, "Hey, what's she doing behind the desk?"
Co-worker #3: "Looks like she's masterbranding."
2010 Warsaw Road
Roswell, Georgia
1PM I Thought the Americans Were the Balmy Ones
Employee: Did you hear, there was another bombing on the subway in London?
Boss: I don't care how balmy it is in London, I wouldn't go over there right now.
217 10th Street
Brandon, Manitoba
Canadia
7AM "...here, I filled this pen with blood for you."
Client: I didn't read this contract yet
Lawyer: I didn't read it either. But you can just go ahead and sign it.
200 Park Avenue
New York, New York
1PM That Thick Wooden Skull Would Sure Burn Up Nice
Office manager: In the event of fire, please use the emergency stair cases. If anyone has any problems with physical exercise--for example, if you're pregnant--please let me know so I can help you out of the building.
The room full of men burst out laughing. The Office manager simply looked around, confused.
115 Perimeter Center Place, NE
Atlanta, Georgia
10PM What Health Care Crisis?
Employee: How long do I have to work here before I receive health
insurance?
Boss: Oh...Um...We don't do that here. I know some hospitals that
won't report you to the credit bureaus, though.
1101 Robin Hill Lane
Bel Air, Maryland
7AM Why Anyone Would Speed To Work is Beyond Me
Co-worker #1: We should send out a memo about unsafe driving.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving on company property?
Co-worker #1: No.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving in a company vehicle?
Co-worker #1: No.
Co-worker #2: Then there's nothing the company can do about it. I mean, I speed to work all of the time.
3 Alcan Highway
Kitimat, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Nemisis
2PM Overheard on the Radio
The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).
As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
6AM Kevin Likes to Get a Grip on Big Issues
VP: You'll have to get a group together and have a good look at his package. Get Kevin involved if possible.
21651 Melrose Avenue
Southfield, Michigan
4PM If You Don't Have Lunch, When Will You Talk Smack?
Older woman: It isn't good for your metabolism to eat too little.
Younger woman: Yeah, I remember when I was a kid and saw those starving African kids on TV. I said, "They aren't fat, look at their bellies!" That's what happens when you don't eat enough, you get bloated.
1500 University Drive
Billings, Montana
Co-worker #1: Do you want to go to lunch?
Co-worker #2: I'm on a diet.
Co-worker #1: But we're going to get ice cream afterward.
800 E. 96th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
6AM Dude, Go for the Implants
Income auditor guy: I want to buy my fiance a gift like make-up.
Income auditor gal: Cool, how much you set for it?
Income auditor guy: 30 Egyptian pounds.
Income auditor gal: You could buy a blusher with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well then, how about cheap make-up?
Income auditor gal: You can't buy anything with 30 EGP.
Income auditor guy: Well how much do you think I need?
Income auditor gal: About 500 EGP to buy her one of those cute boxes that's full of make-up and perfumes.
Income auditor guy: With 500 EGP, I could send her to a plastic surgeon and get change.
Translated from the Arabic.
Le Meridien Makadi Bay Hotel
South Hurghada, Egypt
6PM It's Only Bad If She Doesn't Take the Kids
Boss: If we don't start turning things around here so I can get home sooner, I'm going to wind up divorced. And that would be...bad. I think.
6106 Excelsior Boulevard
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Mad Cow
6AM Then You Might Not Want to Work at Goldman Sachs
Butcher: Careful! Blood on the ground's slippery.
Clerk: ...I never want to hear anyone say that to me again.
110 Route 23
Riverdale, New Jersey
6AM Oh Come On, He's in New York
Co-worker #1: You need to use more tact.
Co-worker #2: Attack what?
Co-worker #1: No, tact. T-A-C-T.
Co-worker #2: What's that?
Co-worker #1: Exactly.
845 Third Avenue
New York, NY
8AM Sounds Like a Motivational Poster
Woman #1: I feel bad he's stuck talking to her. I feel like I should rescue him.
Woman #2: Oh, they deserve each other; they're both full of shit.
Woman #1: But his is a different kind of shit.
Woman #2: Yeah; his is bull, hers is horse.
175 S. Third Street
Columbus, Ohio
8AM Oh, Snapfish!
Middle Manager: Snapfish is right in downtown San Francisco.
Transsexual: Hmm, maybe I should go work for them.
Middle Manager: Oh, you'd love it, they're very diverse...They're all young. They're all under 40.
Transsexual: Oh, maybe I'm too old.
3404 East Harmony Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
12AM Too Bad She Had Her Funny Bone Removed
Casting chick: A lot of people don't get my sense of humor.
Stylist: So change it!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
4PM Basically, Just Repackaging Dale Carnegie
Girl: I think grad school is slowly sucking away my soul.
Guy: Oh, come on. Like you ever had a soul?
Girl: At least we could probably make a book out of this.
Guy: Indeed. Chicken Soup for the Soulless?
1745 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Power Means Never Having to Be Coherent
Boss: Why didn't you have a cover letter on the copy to the client?
New employee: I didn't know I was supposed to have one. I didn't think to ask if I needed it.
Boss: From now on, if you don't know the question, you should ask it.
1700 66th Street
St. Petersburg, Florida
8AM "...and then up, and then down..."
Producer #1: I saw the naked pictures just now.
Producer #2: And?
Producer #1: I think he should take them down.
12 West 27 Street
New York, NY
8AM "...or that you sort mail for a living."
Mail clerk #1: I got the new pair of shoes because I don't like what my old ones look like.
Mail clerk #2: Try crack, then you won't care what you look like.
525 West Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
8AM I Vote We Feed It to the Retards
Boss: Hey, you guys! We're supposed to be a team. I think we should take a vote on the grimy chicken.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
12AM Does It Come With a Buzz?
Building Engineer: A freon leak won't kill you. It'll just asphyxiate you a little.
2100 Second Street, SW
Washington, DC
12AM Lunch: One of the Three Most Important Meals of the Afternoon
American Coworker: Lets do Chinese!
Native Chinese Coworker: I know good p[l]ace!
American Coworker: Real Chinese food from real Chinese cooks?
Native Chinese Coworker: No, cooks all Puerto Rican.
11804 Cherry Grove Drive
Gaithersburg, Maryland
4PM "...and use an envelope if you'd like to make a deposit."
Session Leader: I'll leave this badge on the desk. If you need to use the facilities, just take it with you and swipe the reader on the bathroom door.
Participant #1: You need to swipe from the bottom up, right?
Participant #2: Not if you're a girl!
One Chase Plaza
New York, NY
4PM Welcome to Our Company: Our Values are Now Yours
HR Guru: The only person you can change is yourself--
Infidel: I keep trying that, but she's still being a bitch!
2025 E St, NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Bendystraw
10AM Dude! You're Getting Mocked On Our Site!
Manager: We need to be less stupider on how we do...things...We need to work on our synergy, ensure we're interlocking with our process improvements...You need to have a sense of urgency, a relaxed urgency where you don't hurry anyone else but you.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
Overheard by: Anonymous Tech
