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9AM We're Not Animals.
Chief petty officer: So, you're saying the reservists can shoot themselves?
Training officer: Yes, but only with supervision.
Barboursville, West Virginia
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
12PM Somebody in Miami Keeps Buying Us Out
Toy store clerk #1: Hey, Jessie*, do we still have any of those Communist uniforms?
Toy store clerk #2: I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: What about the Communist soldier figurines?
Toy store clerk #2: Hm... I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: Do we have anything Communist-related?
Toy store clerk #2: I think we still have the stick-on Communist facial hair...
29th Street and Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused socialist
12PM Which Reminds Me: It's Performance Review Time
Coworker #1: How's the weather outside?
Coworker #2: Pretty good, it's like getting spit on.
Brooklyn Army Terminal
Brooklyn, New York
9AM Okay, People, You Are to Cease Using the Austin Powers Films in Management Training
Underling: Is that what you need?
Boss: I was asking for a shark with laser beams, and I got a manatee with flashlights? Thanks.
Kadena Air Base
Okinawa, Japan
Overheard by: R U Shittin' Me
4PM Afternoon Delivery
Coworker: So, has the National Guard taught you head shots yet?
UPS guy: Nah, but we're gonna start with civilians.
17 Battery Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kona Gallagher
3PM Scientific Inquiry
Sergeant: But seriously, what would happen if the sun turned off?
Soldier: Well, you'd still have like, millions of years while the thing cooled off.
Sergeant: Naw, f*** that, like what if God threw a circuit breaker?
Lieutenant walks in
Soldier: Hey LT, you ran a nuclear plant before you came in the service, right? What would happen if someone popped the circuit breaker on the sun right now?
Lieutenant has a pained expression on his face.
Sergeant: Seriously, we're not gonna let this go until we have an answer from a reputable source.
Soldier: We could go on like this for the rest of the deployment.
Lieutenant: Alright guys, it's like this...
[...2 hours of nuclear physics, relative theory, thermal conductivity of the Earth's
mantle and crust, and every crackpot theory to counter the former three...]
Soldier:...man, I'm never asking LT another question, ever.
Lieutenant: Good, 'cause I wasn't gonna answer it anyway.
Mozul Airfield
Iraq
Overheard by: Bobby
4PM Smoke Break
Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.
Soldier #1: Hey [John], let's go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.]
Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you're inside! Get that fuckin' cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin' eye in your head!
Building 2411-B
Fort Eustis, Virginia
Overheard by: SGT Grier
11AM Installation
Soldier #1 is walking around slapping people on the ass with a length of stainless steel hydraulic line.
*swat!*
Soldier #1: You like that, dontcha bitch? You want some more?
Soldier #2: Oh yeah, give it to me papi!
*loud swat*
Soldier #2: OW!! [brief pause] Yeah, that was good...
Soldier #1: You want another one?
Soldier #2: Not yet, papi, I gotta go get the Crisco and rub it on my ass first.
Soldier #1: You have 5 minutes.
Bldg 2411-B
Fortt Eustis, Virginia
Overheard by: Jason Grier
9AM Back to Work
Soldiers are doing push-ups on frost-covered grass.
Soldier #1: Man, it's cold! I can't feel my hands!
Soldier #2: I can't feel my testicles.
Soldier #3: My testicles are all crawled up inside my body...so snug...and so warm...
Soldier #4: I wish I was a testicle.
Soccer field #3
Fort Eustis, Virginia
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Oh, I'm so glad you are here.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: Because I got my hand stuck in the hole.
6 Campus Drive
Parsippany, New Jersey
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Did you know every conversation we have in here, we aren't supposed to have?
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
9AM Back to Work
Officer: So apparently the greeting of the day is "Rock that ass".
3rd Infantry Division Headquarters
Baghdad, Iraq
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I don't really pay that much attention to politics. I mean, I don't even know the difference between a Republican and a Dominican.
Sullivan Barracks
Mannheim, Germany
3PM Call Maintenance
Computer guy: I wonder what it is that makes it feel so damn cold in this building sometimes?
Graphics dude: Maybe it's the temperature.
Dyess Air Force Base
Texas
Overheard by: Michael Philippus
