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1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
3PM But That Doughnut Looked So Good!
Nurse walks out to designated smoking area as her pager goes off.
Nurse, shaking her head in disgust: 'Emergency!' Of course. Why these people gotta be goin' into diabetic shock when I wanna go outside? [Sits down to smoke cigarette.]
1031 SW Fleming Court
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Jonna
1PM Travel Agent: You Would Not Believe What I Am Soaking This Chick For
Fat nurse: I'm real excited! I'm going to the Mexican Riviera next month.
Lanky nurse: Uh, isn't it called the French Riviera?
Fat nurse: No, I think it's Mexican, but you could be right -- that sounds familiar.
Lanky nurse: I've always wanted to see the French Riviera.
Fat nurse: Yeah, me too. I can't wait.
1st Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dr mike
2PM This Is an Ex-Patient!
Receptionist: So we're going to need to reschedule his appointment, then?
Nurse: No, Mary*, this patient has passed away.
Receptionist: Okay, so then I'll call him in the morning?
Nurse: You don't understand. He's dead.
Receptionist: Well, Dr. Smith* has a slot open for Monday...
Nurse: He's dead.
Providence Hospital, 5th Street and Colby Avenue
Everett, Washington
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
10AM That's Coming from Her TV -- It's Stuck on Lifetime
Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.
Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey
12PM And Forget about the Sanitarium
Mother to son behind the curtain: If you don't behave, I'm not going to take you to the hospital ever again.
Franklin Square Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Brain Surgeon
4PM NewsFlash: UPenn School of Social Work Adopts Controversial 'Shut Up' Method, Following Brooklyn's Lead
Social worker to passing ambulances and police cars: Shut up! God.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
10AM Eh, Whatever, He'll Be Dead before He Can Complain
Nurse: The patient in Room 39* requested a visit from a Mormon priest.
Chaplain: Really? I'll have to call one, give me a moment. [Opens notebook] Ah, here we go. [Dials phone, waits] Hi, this is Chaplain Smith* at the hospital. I'm calling about a patient who would like a visit from a Mormon clergy-person. I haven't visited with the patient, so I don't know if he is a member of your congregation, but he did specifically request a visit from a Mormon. Feel free to call me back at 555-3418* when you get this message. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a message on their voicemail. I wonder if the Jehovah's Witnesses check their messages often.
Nurse: Jehovah's Witnesses...?
Chaplain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: another witness
3PM You Look Vaguely Female, and I Dig That about You
Creepster hitting on CSA: Hey, there you are again.
CSA, without making eye contact: ...Hey.
Creepster: You know what? You so beautiful.
CSA doesn't respond.
Creepster, with spittle flying from between front teeth: Has anyone ever told you that you're very photo-generic?
Animal Hospital
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: another CSA
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
5PM The Politically Correct Term Now Is 'Biscuits'
Health clinic employee: That woman is one kooky cracker!
Manager: I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: But you and Dr. Horowitz* call patients 'crazy' all the time. What's the difference between 'kooky' and 'crazy'?
Manager: I just don't want you to call our patients 'kooky.'
Health clinic employee: It's still alright to call them 'crackers' though, right?
104 Market Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
9AM ...When I Saw the Pile of Wounded Interns in Front of the Door of His Room
Guy: So, I figure that either they tried to give dad a needle somewhere he didn't want it, or something really bad happened.
Broadway
Winnipeg, Canada
Overheard by: Shalamar
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
9AM He's Adopted
Patient: Yeah, I have a twin brother about my age.
Presbyterian Hospital
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless RN
11AM But I Play One on TV
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: lauren
12PM Will Someone Please Buy This Nurse a Knockoff Prada Clutch or Something?
Nurse #1: Do you think it's okay to eat this? It was in there with the specimen bag.
Nurse #2: Oh yeah, it's fine.
Hospital
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: jessie spano
9AM Send in Jack Bauer!
Dad: Honey, where's your teddy bear?
3-year-old girl: Oh, the terrorist are hiding him.
Overlake Hospital
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Nurse says what
1PM Look Who's Talking, Dr. Vajayjay
Male nurse #1: I just thought of something. Wouldn't it be so embarassing being a gynecologist? What's your motivation? Man, that would just be so embarrassing.
Male nurse #2: Yeah, especially with your name, Dr. Beaver.
Geisinger Medical Center
Danville, Pennsylvania
11AM We Love the Things We Love For What They Are
Nurse: Have you ever done any other drugs? Cocaine? Meth?
Patient: I have loved meth since the day it was introduced to me.
Gall Boulevard
Zephyrhills, Florida
2PM So THAT's How It Is In Their Family
Nurse on phone: I'm sorry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you... Uh huh... Well, we can't make a patient talk to someone on the phone... I'm sorry, that's what she said. You're her husband, right? Oh, you're her mother! Just a moment, please.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
12PM Dibs on His Fur Coat
Staffer: I understand you want to complete a living will.
Patient: That's right.
Staffer: Do you know what this means?
Patient: Yes, it means I don't want to be kept alive if I'm in a persistent vegetarian state.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
10AM House Call
Patient: Can I have your home number? I promise not to call you all the time. Only in case of an emergency.
Doctor: Um, I don't give out my home number. If you are having an emergency, you need to go to the emergency room.
Patient: But they don't know my medical history!
Doctor: But I live two hours from you. You'll receive medical care quicker by simply going to the emergency room. Besides, all your medical history can be pulled up on their computer.
Patient: So....you're not going to give me your number?
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
3PM Second Opinion
Doctor #1: Where did you say the patient has been recently?
Doctor #2: Ummmmm, Ghana? Something like that?
Doctor #1: So, Africa.
Doctor #2: No, South America.
525 E 68th Street
New York, New York
2PM Shift Scheduling
Nurse #1: We're short today, and so everyone is supposed to get one extra patient.
Nurse #2: I hate patients.
8260 Atlee Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
11AM Working Reception
Obese hillbilly: Yeah, my girl come to get a pregnancy test.
Older Southern lady: I see.
Obese hillbilly: I told her if she would just let me go fishing more we wouldn't be dealing with this shit.
Thomas County Health Department
Thomasville, Georgia
4PM Doing Rounds
Nurse: What is the single dose of Kaletra?
Nurse manager: 400 and 100.
Nurse: So 500.
Nurse manager: 400 and 100
Nurse: Right. So 500?
Nurse manager: 400 and 100.
Nurse: So wouldn't 400 and 100 be 500?
Nurse manager: Well obviously you would get 500; I thought you could just do the math all on your own.
550 North University Blvd
Indianapolis, Indiana
2PM Follow Up with HR
Secretary: I could swear that I read that if you have a death in the family you automatically get two days off.
Nurse: Well, I looked it up in the protocol. You can have days off, but they're just regular PTO.
Secretary: Right, I know they're PTO, but I swear I read that they're automatic if you have a death in the family.
Nurse: No, it's like any other PTO, you have to have them approved by your supervisor.
Secretary: I swear I read that you get those days off for a family death.
Nurse: Well, I'm sure every supervisor would be happy to quickly approve your PTO if someone dies.
Secretary: Yeah, but I swear I read somewhere that you get two days automatically for that.
Nurse: Please, tell me one more time about how you read that somewhere.
Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Nurse: Is there a reason that there's a "no pregnant women" sign on that room? Because the patient in there is pregnant.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Nurse #1: It's more important that we get rid of the dead things in the clinic.
Nurse #2: The smell's still there?
Nurse #3: Have you tried spraying the air with something?
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
4PM This Day is So Over
Hospital worker #1: Oh my God! Did you see those warts?
Hospital worker #2: No, I missed them.
Hospital worker #1: How could you miss them? Weren't you holding the labia?
Hospital worker #2: No, that wasn't me.
Hospital worker #1: Are you sure? I thought that was you.
Hospital Worker #2: No, I wasn't holding any labia today.
100 East Carroll Street
Salisbury, Maryland
7PM Only the Ones With Hearing Aids
Two nursing assistants were feeding old men at the home.
Nursing assistant #1: Wow, you're a really awesome chewer.
Nursing assistant #2: I bet you say that to all the guys.
694 Isaac Prugh Way
Kettering, Ohio
12AM Over-hurt in the Office
Receptionist: Doc, there is no code for abnormal ejaculation. I looked under Abnormal & under Ejaculation. Nuthin'.
Doctor: Gimme the book.
Receptionist: What's his problem? Minute man?
Doctor: Check under "retrograde".
Receptionist: What does that mean? Too fast?
Doctor: Broken. He doesn't ejaculate at all. Can't.
838 Pelhamdale Ave
New Rochelle, NY
Overheard by: Lucky
