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9AM Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked
Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand.
Lawyer: What's your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that... I'd help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won't you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn't wash your hands. That's just disgusting.
725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
10AM Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Attorney: Oh, god, not her. She is an insufferable hag. Tell her I'm not in the office.
Temp on phone: I'm sorry, ma'am, he's out of the office... Well, I apologize, but he's not here right now... Yes, I'm aware that lying to another attorney is unethical... Ma'am, you did not hear his voice in the background... No, I'm telling you, he's not here... Well, how do you know that was his voice? Couldn't it have been an intern or another attorney? ... Well if it sounded like him, who's to say his son isn't visiting today and that's whose voice you heard? Yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you.
Attorney: So... Have you considered law school?
Long Island law firm
Long Island, New York
2PM Wait until He Hears Why They're Representing Him
Attorney reading medical report: Sue*, is this right?
Sue, the paralegal: Yup. Sure is.
Attorney: But... Why does it say 'Christina*' on this set of reports, and 'Christopher' on this set?
Sue, patting attorney on back: Read it all the way through, you'll get it.
Attorney, from rear office five minutes later: Oh, lord... He's... I mean, she's... I mean... Sue? Can you come in here, please?
Sue, yelling across the office: Did you see the pictures yet?
Attorney: What?! There are pictures?! Where...? Oh, my good god! Sue!
Law office, Broadway
New York, New York
4PM She Cries, 'More, More, More!'
Lawyer #1: Is 'Rebel Yell' on the CD? I sing that in the shower... And I find myself punching my fist up into the sky... in rebellion.
Lawyer #2: Wow.
Lawyer #1: My wife really enjoys it.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJF
9AM Officers Had Probable Cause to Administer a Field Civics Test
Girl: So, I'm really scared because I got jury duty. I don't want to be in the same room as a criminal.
Paralegal: Well, maybe they're not a criminal. That's the point of jury duty.
Girl: But... aren't they guilty if they were arrested? I mean, the police don't just go around arresting people if they're innocent.
1355 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: sam
3PM Yeah, It's a Cracker Thing. You Wouldn't Understand.
Paralegal #1: Don't you remember Zweiback cookies when you were little?
Paralegal #2: Uh, no.
Associate: You white people are into different things.
180 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
5PM I'm Also Real Good at Hiding in the Stock Room
Chick: So you don't know anything about anything behind the service desk?
Old manager: No, nothing.
Chick: So what happens if someone comes in here and robs us? You don't know how to push the button to call the cops?
Old manager: No.
Chick: So... what if that happens?
Old manager: I do know how to hire a new person.
Lawyers Road
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: CSReppingsucks.
3PM Having Been Replaced As the Homo-Pretense Capital of the World, New York's Reaction 'Mixed'
Paralegal: What can I get you guys?
Consultant: Just a coffee.
Young consultant: Could I get a white mocha latte, please?
Head lawyer: Where do you think this is, LA?
Law firm, Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM I Love the Law: The Smell of the Jury, the Sobbing of the Witness
Lawyer #1: So I finally got myself in front of a jury!
Lawyer #2: Really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah! It was a rape case.
Lawyer #2: That's fantastic! Well, for you anyway.
Allegan St
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: o rly?
10AM Didn't I Tell You? I'm Guilty.
Defense attorney: I'm going back to the office. God, I hate days like this. Losing blows.
Defendant: Hey, sorry, man. But, really, you didn't have a chance.
300 East Bay Street
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: Jess
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.
Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
5PM You Don't Have to Be Dead to Work Here, But It Helps
Lawyer: Did you hear about Vanessa*?
Secretary: No. What about her?
Lawyer: Yeah, poor Vanessa. She woke up dead on July 4th.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
2PM Straight to Voicemail
Attorney: Hey Jordan*, what have you done for me lately?
Jordan: Nothing, actually.
Attorney: Anything you do for the boss, you do for me!
Jordan: Well in that case, I've been avoiding your phone calls lately.
4 Times Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: Just looking...
9AM Back to Work
Partner #1: You're wearing a t-shirt?
Partner #2: It's not a t-shirt. It's designer.
Partner #1: Glad to see you're back in gay mode.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: new here
1PM Identifying Next Actions
Attorney: Well, that client is single now.
Secretary: Really?
Attorney: I'm going to have to lose 20 pounds. Bring me my pills.
415 South Ohio
Sedalia, Missouri
2PM Facilities Issues
HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!
4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal
9AM Back to Work
Attorney Jim*: So is this what the embarassed silence sounds like?
Attorney Keith*: Yes. I feel awful.
Attorney Lou*: I'd give Jim's right nut to be asleep right now.
Keith: Totally. I don't know what time you guys left, but I didn't get home until 2.
Jim: I'm not sure what time we left either. But the tattoo parlor was closed. That I'm definite on.
Keith: Oh, that's too bad. I wish the room would stop spinning.
Attorney Mark*: I feel amazing today. There is nothing like coming in completely hungover and talking to Natasha* about how retarded she is. Lou, I killed you in our drink contest. You had like five wines. You're a lightweight.
Jim: Hey Mark, how's that hickey on the side of you face, you homo?
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
5PM That's a Wrap
Attorney: This work shit has got to stop. It's really bringing me down.
301 Merritt Seven
Norwalk, Connecticut
12PM Lunch
Attorney's wife: I'm getting so fat.
Attorney: You're not fat.
Attorney's wife: Aw, well...
Attorney interrupts: You're old. You just look fat.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Swearing In
Court officer speaking to almost-admitted attorneys awaiting ceremony: And when you stand, don't lock your knees or stand up straight, just relax and kind of hunch over, we don't want anyone to collapse -- it has happened before, and it is like attorney dominoes...
45 Monroe Place
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lans
11AM Install New Software
Tech: ...and if it gives you any problems, just call me. Any time, doesn't matter. I sleep with my cell phone.
Lawyer: I've slept with worse.
11377 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eve Z. Dropper
9AM Good Morning, Office!
Lawyer #1: What does that mean again?
Lawyer #2: Listen, if you can't figure out this report, you're fired.
452 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
10AM Take Care of Jury Duty
Judge: So what does your wife do for a living?
Potential juror: Nothing.
Judge: She does nothing?
Potential juror: Nope.
Judge: Do you have kids?
Potential juror: Yes.
Judge: Yeah, she does "nothing".
265 East 161st Street
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: John
2PM Update Legal Schedules
Speakerphone: ...but then they said my trial was rescheduled for December 3rd, and then the other day I got a notice that said it was for December 1st and I just wanted to tell [Leslie] that they're changing it.
Secretary: Um, okay, sorry, but the 3rd of December is a Saturday. Speakerphone: I'm not going to argue with you! I'm just telling you what they said!
Secretary: Um, ok.
3 South Pinckney Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: temp drone
3PM Court
Bailiff: Okay, I think we need a Jewish interpreter over here! What did you say? Hay broo? Okay, whatever.
141 Livingston Street
Brooklyn, New York
9AM Back to the Blather
Paralegal #1: So I just heard from my officemate that you think your officemate has a huge piece.
Paralegal #2: I know he has a huge piece.
Paralegal #1: How could you possibly know, did he show you?
Paralegal #2: No.
Paralegal #1: Did his wife offer it up?
Paralegal #2: No...My ex-secretary was friends with a girl he used to date...and it is just known.
Paralegal #1: Mm-hmm.
Paralegal #2: Look. When you see him in the hall, say "Hey" and take a quick look down, you can totally tell.
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
9AM The Caps Look Pretty Jaunty
Paralegal #1: I'm not sure what's going on with the boxes, they kind of keep me in the dark about these things.
Paralegal #2: Yes...they do treat us like mushrooms.
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
9PM Plan B is Circumcision
Attorney: I'm not going to have a homosexual affair just to get some cases!
220 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: brokensiren
7PM It's Easy to Be Tough When You're Holding a Mop
Janitor: See, you're making assumptions. That's no good. You know what happens when you assume, doncha?
Lawyer: ...
Janitor: Yeah, that's right; you make an ass outta yourself.
15 Somerset Street
Boston, Massachusetts
8AM Permission to Approach the Bench and Lift That Robe
Court clerk: Next docketed matter, Wood v. City. Anybody have Wood? If you have Wood, bring it up here.
50 West Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Larry
6AM Well, She Was Lying Down in the Bed
Lawyer: Then why did you have sex with your cousin while she was sleeping?
Client: I honestly thought she wanted it. Really, I would never do anything to hurt her. I think of her like a sister.
Lawyer: Perhaps we shouldn't put you on the witness stand.
2605 E. Cliff Road
Burnsville, Minnesota
12AM Sharks, Snakes, and Legal Eagles Mostly
Worker #1 answers the phone: Hello?...No, this is a law firm. A law firm!
Worker #2: Who did they want?
Worker #1: The SPCA.
Worker #2: Heh.
Worker #1: Although there are a lot of animals working here.
120 West 45th Street
New York, NY
