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1PM Can't Fault a Guy for Wanting Nice Things
Cube dweller: I know he was yelling at me, but he was wearing the same members-only jacket as Rosario from Will and Grace!
523 North Sam Houston Parkway East
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: bemused
1PM Or Sticking It Up Your Nose
Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn't work, try licking it.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM But He's Buying All the Missiles We Sell, So Who Cares?
Sales guy: He was from another country. A made-up country, though.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM The CIA Has Been Making That Mistake for Years
Boss: So just use a black highlighter to mark---
Assistant: Black highlighter?
Boss: I meant 'Sharpie.' Yes, don't ever get the two mixed up.
Herndon, Virginia
10AM Thank God for Women Who Don't Know Any Better
Salesman: You know, customers who want their parts on time and in decent condition really get on my nerves.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Parallel Conversations May Finish at the Same Time but Will Never Meet
Cube rat: I love Thai food...
Mail guy: Man, you should marry an Asian lady.
Cube rat: ... But I don't like sticky rice.
Mail guy: She doesn't have to be sticky.
1771 N Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: just another temp
11AM Yeah, Tell Him We Canceled Favorite Animal Friday
Coworker leaning on office door: Hey, have you seen John*?
Horse puppet appears peeking from under John's desk.
Horse puppet: John's not here right now. Can I take a message?
Coworker, slowly backing out of office: Uh...
8700 NW River Park Drive
Parkville, Missouri
Overheard by: Hapless intern
4PM My Colleagues' Hatred Keeps Our Marriage Spicy
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, no, dammit! I swear, I'm going to hang up -- I mean it, I'm going to hang up. No. No. No! Dammit, I said I am going to hang up!
Coworker #2 walks over, removes phone, slams it down: There, now we can all get back to our lives!
Coworker #1 redials: Sorry baby, some crazy twat I work with is having a bad day... What? What?! No! No! No! Dammit, I hate you! I'm hanging up!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Even When It's Not Critical
Employee #1: Critical criteria. Critical criteria.
Employee #2: Is that some kind of new alarm?
Employee #1: No, I'm typing that in an email.
Employee #2: Oh. Is there something wrong with that?
Employee #1: No, why? Does it sound wrong?
Employee #2: It sounds kinda fancy.
Employee #1: So I should go with it?
Employee #2: If you want to be fancy, then you should.
Employee #1: I like to be fancy.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
9AM #1, Only One Big Cat; #2, No Reptiles; #3...
Girl #1: Well, you know I like to get kinky.
Girl #2: Oh, I know.
Girl #1: I've never had a threesome, but I would do it. I have ground rules, of course, but I'd totally be down for a menagerie.
Andover Park West
Tukwila, Washington
Overheard by: Cat
11AM Really, Even a Creek Will Get You If You're Careless or Stupid
Guy in cubicle #1: What are you doing?
Guy in cubicle #2: Looking at rivers that can kill ya!
349 Mitchell Street
Groton, Connecticut
Overheard by: Livonthedge
5PM It's 'Mothyr-Fuckynge' in the Constitution
Person on phone, in next cube: Does "motherfucking" have a hyphen in it?...Well, in all these criminal cases I see "motherfucking" without a hyphen and spell-check doesn't recognize it.
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Snorting coffee out my nose
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: See, this is my new man bag.
Coworker #2: Oh, nice! So manly.
Coworker #3: Man bag? Sounds like scrotum.
270 County Hospital Road
Quincy, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: What time does she get in?...That's kind of late. I'll leave Lydia* with my mom, no reason to drag her all they way to the airport and back. Maybe we can find some place to have sex in the car on the way down there...Maybe I shouldn't say stuff like that when I don't have a ceiling or real walls.
333 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech on phone in next cube: How can I help you? ... Uh huh. Well like it said in the doc, you have to name the files alphabetically for that to work. ... Alphabetically means from A to Z. ... No, sir, you can't name one file code_abc and the next one code_aba, a is before c... Yes, abz would work. ... Numbers come before letters. ... You're welcome. [hangs up phone] Fuck this shit, I can't even smoke it. I'm going home!
800 S Canal Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Sorting Applications
Office manager: Ohh, this one speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Where's he from?
Office manager: No, no, he's an English guy that speaks Spanish.
Sales guy: Oh!
Office manager: So he can translate everything that Ramiro* in the warehouse is trying to tell us!
Sales guy: Plus one for the Spanish-speaker!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Logging In
Sales guy: Sooo, how do I get on our intranet again?
His assistant: We put this on your Favorites list, remember? We've done this before.
Sales guy: No.. no.. I'm not seeing it.
Assistant: Yes, the very first time I showed you how to log in, I had you add it to your Favorites first.
Sales guy: I don't know, but I know I'm not seeing it.
Assistant: Hmm, I can't remember if it was under a subfolder or not.
Sales guy: What are you talking about?
Pause
Assistant: Okay, let's start from the beginning... Open up your Internet Explorer....
Sales guy: Okay... done...
Assistant: Now click on Favorites....
Sales guy: Oooh. Is it called [Company Inc]-home?
Assistant: Mmm hmm. That would be it.
Cubicle neighbor: Is this the same voice you use to explain things to your daughter?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Tech Training
Manager: Can you spell my email address?
IT guy: It's your name!
Manager: I know, but could you spell it for me?
1979 Marcus Avenue
Lake Success, New York
Overheard by: Why am I the temp again?!?
9AM Back to Work
CSR: Where the fuck are my pants?
102 W. Washington
Colby, Kansas
9AM Back at Work
Manager: Are you doing okay? I've noticed you've seemed overwhelmed lately.
Smacking noises and paper shuffling
Assistant: Hmm? Oh, I'm okay. I just can't find my purple posties.
Manager: Well, i just don't want you to get frustrated and quit. We value you.
More smacking and agitated paper shuffling.
Assisant: Well, if i wasn't busy, you wouldn't need me. Where are those purple posties?
Manager: Don't worry about the purple post-its right now. I'm asking how you are doing.
Lots of shuffling noises and frantic paper shuffling.
Assistant: I'm fine!
Manager: Are you sure, you really seem stressed.
Still shuffling
Assistant: I'd be doing a lot better if i could find my damn purple posties!
Manager: I'll come back
Minutes later after lots of loud thuds and much desk smacking and paper shuffling. . .
Assistant: Heey! Here they are! Okay, I'm good now!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Supply Run
Coworker #1: Oh, can't find the paper clips.
Coworker #2: Can't find 'em?
Coworker #1: Nope, just like yesterday...where do they all go?
Coworker #2: I don't know.
Coworker #1: I don't know either.
Pause
Coworker #2: Do you want some of mine?
Coworker #1: Sure.
Coworker #2: How many would you like?
Coworker #1: Hmmm...well, I just need one for now, but I might need some more later...
Coworker #2: Ha, ha, ha, if you were on Survivor, your treasure would be paper clips.
Coworker #1: Ha, ha, ha, that's right -- dontcha know...
Coworker #2: Ha, ha, ha.
Coworker #1: Ha, ha, ha.
Coworker #2: Girl, please.
261 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Elizabeth
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Where is [Blake] today?
Girl in cube: I don't know. He didn't text me. I think he's too embarrassed.
Boss: Why? Did you guys end up making out in front of everyone again at happy hour?
Girl in cube: No! Give me a little credit.
[Long pause]
Girl in cube: It was in a cab.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning... apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood... $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It's only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We'll use the hamsters to make fur coats... Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we'll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men's bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we're done selling them all, we'll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too -- a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let's try not to eat them.
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Cube #1: Did you know you can type "deferred" with one hand?
Cube #2: Couldn't you type any word with one hand?
Cube #1: Yeah...but you can type it with one hand.
Cube #2: Yeah...couldn't you type any word with one hand?
Cube #1: No...I mean, it means you can type it with one hand; the letters are all within one inch of each other. D-e-f-e-r-r-e-d.
Cube #2: Oh!...I definitely spelled that wrong.
One Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
5PM That's a Wrap
Cube #1: It's so cloudy out today; is there an Armageddon scheduled that I didn't know about?
Cube #2: I think it's supposed to rain.
Cube #1: Well, since you're closest to the window it's your responsibility to inform the rest of us if the rain contains a plague of locusts. Tough break, but that's the responsibility that comes with good cubicle location.
1944 East Sky Harbor Circle
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Here They Go
Co-worker: Here comes trouble.
Boss: Get back in your box and shut the lid.
Co-worker: I *am* in my box. I was just sitting here and you came in my box!
10398 Pacific Center Court
San Diego, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Clinical Services Manager: I hate it when my email is full of porn!
Clinical Services Assistant: Well, at least it's not kiddie porn.
Clinical Services Manager: Wait, they make porn with cats in it now?
999 Home Plaza
Waterloo, Iowa
Overheard by: RicaChica
9AM How Fast Can a Day be Ruined?
Co-worker #1: Where is my breakfast burrito?
Co-worker #2: Sorry bud, I totally forgot to order you one.
Co-worker #1: Next time I shoot my .357 magnum at the range...I'm going to draw your face on the target.
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
11AM Plan Holiday Party
Cube monkey #1: What are you wearing to the Christmas party?
Cube monkey #2: A black dress with a santa hat.
Cube monkey #1: Very festive...and probably busty.
Cube monkey #2: Why wouldnt it be? It's my dress.
Cube monkey #1: You could probably wear a burqa and be busty.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM I'm Calling It a Day
New guy: It's so dull here. I'm using all my energy just to stay awake, which is making me sleepy.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
9AM Begin the Seething
Co-worker on phone: How many limbs did he lose?...Ha, ha, ha!...That's awful.
30 South 17th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Goodbye/Welcome Lunch
Supervisor: Be sure to meet in the large conference room for the intern's goodbye lunch at noon.
Employee: Is [Andrew] leaving?
Supervisor: No, it's for [Brenda], [Andrew]'s been hired full time, so no lunch.
Employee: Well, what about the new employee welcome lunch?
Supervisor: Okay, fine...it's today at noon.
201 Connecticut Avenue NW
Washington, DC
7AM Why God Invented Admins
Co-worker: You know, it's pretty hard to kiss your own ass...
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
12AM Let Me Get My Un-lube
Co-worker: If you could un-fuck this situation, I'd appreciate it.
120 Morehead Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
