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9AM It's the Aftermath That's a Real Debacle
Single coworker: I tell ya -- sex with crazy girls is great!
Sierra Vista, Arizona
Overheard by: Damn psychopharmaceuticals...
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report
Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.
14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton
11AM Unlike Tap Dancers?
Electronics clerk: If I were a tap dancer, I'd tap dance all over the store.
Jewelry clerk: Like this? [Flails arms and pretends to tap dance.]
Electronics clerk: No... That was gay.
2600 Midland Boulevard
Ft. Smith, Arizona
Overheard by: i love my job
12PM ... Speaking of Crap.
20-ish woman peon #1: So, I started my cleanse this week--
20-ish woman peon #2: --Wait, are we talking about poop again? Why are we always talking about poop? Aren't we a little young for this? [Others stare blankly.] Well, I am strangely comfortable with it. [Others keep staring, so #2 leaves, griping] I hate Oprah.
44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM Wasn't There a Rule about Only Making New Rules on Even-Numbered Days?
Mailroom girl #1: Ugh! No speaking in French while I'm counting mail!
Mailroom girl #2: Sweet Jesus, every day there's a new rule!
Ft. Lowell and Alvernon
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dances with wolverines
12PM Only If You Give a Shit
QA guy #1: So, there's a bunch of shit going down with the shit. I was going to try and finish that shit, but then all of this shit came up. Can't they get the shit to work? I mean, get your fucking shit together. You know what I mean?
QA guy #2: I do. I totally do, man. It's worrisome.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
3PM If I Don't Give You the Visual, You'll Never Learn
Cube guy #1: Wow, that girl with Tina* is hot. Who is she?
Cube guy #2: That's her daughter.
Cube guy #1: Damn, man! Why isn't she my daughter?
Cube guy #2: What does that mean?
Cube guy #1: I dunno. I meant--
Cube guy #2: --Dude, that means you'd have to sleep with--
Cube guy #1: --I know, I know, I'm sorry! Messed up... You didn't have to give me the visual.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
1PM If It's Not in My Day-Timer, It's Not Gonna Happen
Employee #1: I have an emergency at two PM.
Employee #2: That's a very scheduled emergency.
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Because People Generally Don't
Cube rat poking head over cube wall: I was just banging you. Did you feel that?
8900 Raintree Drive
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM Except for Larry, Who Can Keep the Tutu
Coder #1: I just can't work in these pants!
Coder #2, raising hand: Seconded!
Boss #1: No! Motion fails!
Boss #2: Indeed -- pants remain a workplace requirement!
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
3PM And Guess What -- I'm Just As Employable As You
Housekeeping lady, emptying cubicle garbages: Were you in a training class all week?
Engineer: Yes. It made for a long week.
Housekeeping lady: I swore I would never go back to another class after I graduated high school.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Lisa
9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
9AM Don't Even Get Them Started on Sippy Cups
Suit #1: What was that?
Suit #2: What?
Suit #1: You just hid something when I came up.
Suit #2: It was my juice box, because it's... You know...
Suit #1: What? There's nothing wrong with drinking juice from a box. I love juice boxes.
Assistant, walking up: What are you guys talking about?
Both suits, in unison: Nothing.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
12PM Uses Perfect Grammar When Speaking to Himself
Employee, after hanging up with client: That was the most stupidest person I have ever spoke to.
44th Street and Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Grammatically Offended Boss
11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?
Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.
2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
3PM Slightly below That Monkey Who Typed Shakespeare
IT guy: There's a spectrum between those who are completely illiterate and those who are completely literate, and the people who write the news are somewhere in-between.
Tonopah, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
11AM I've Been Doing Enough Yoga That It's Physically Possible
Office girl in stall: Fuck this! Fuck you, uterus! I'll kick your ass!
16th Street
Tempe, Arizona
10AM It Actually Was Adam and Steve in the Garden of Eden
Peon #1: No, that's not what she had. This is the woman with the original penis.
Peon #2, after long pause: What's that?
Peon #1: The original penis. She had the first one.
Peon #2: ... Oh.
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM Another Tip from My Big Book of Rainy-Day Activities
Female peon: I love eating a rare steak and then sopping up all the juice with some bread.
Male peon: You know what I like? To puncture a hole in a small animal that runs by my house and catch the blood like a fountain.
Female peon: Um, yeah, that would work, too.
4653 Cotton Gin Loop
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: RebeccaB
2PM The Insult-Comic Dog?
Chipper corporate trainer: You put an extra '-umph' at the end of 'tri-', and what do you get? Triumph!
4635 East Elwood Street
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Oh, It's All Connected
Rep on phone: Sir, the character limit for your domain name has nothing to do with your World of Warcraft game.
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM Sounds Like It's Gonna Be Some PTA Meeting
Agent on phone: Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrington*. I just wanted to remind you to purchase a very snug belt before July 20th because you will get your pants rocked off.
6000 East Camelback Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM Thanks to a Good Divorce Lawyer
Female grunt #1 looking around: Ramone* has them.
Female grunt #2, holding plastic jacks in hand: Has what?
Female grunt #1: My balls. Ramone has my balls.
19th Street and Deer Valley Road
Arizona
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
10AM Help Me, Champollion, You're My Only Hope!
Boss: Dude, your plan should be clearly stated on your bill.
Angry employee: Have you seen an ABC Wireless* bill? It's like the Rosetta Stone fucked a coked-up prostitute and out came my bill.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
9AM I'm Talking Quantum-Singularity Black
Manager: Could you make this a lighter red?
Designer: You mean pink?
Manager: No, not pink. A lighter red.
Designer: Uh...
Manager: And this part here -- do you have a darker black?
Designer: No, black is pretty much black.
Manager: Well, it needs to be darker than black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: bobby
11AM When They Came for My Slim Vibe, I Bloody Well Spoke Up
Coworker #1: Did you read the e-mail from HR about the new Nazi-like, anti-fun internet policy? It says we're not supposed to MySpace or YouTube on company time. How boring!
Coworker #2: Whatever! At least I still have my Slim Vibe -- they can't take that from me!
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM We Know a Lot of Places Where It Isn't, So We're Making Progress
Supervisor: Did you find that part?
Coworker: No.
Supervisor: Well, where is it?
Flagstaff, Arizona
Overheard by: Jimmy
3PM So Anyway, Mom Had a Stroke
Fat black girl: My mom -- she's bein' so damn nosy. Yesterday she says, 'V, tell me something I don't know about you!'
Fat white girl: So, what'd you say?
Fat black girl: I said, 'I like it in the ass! That shit is wonderful.'
Fat white girl: Hahaha, oh my god. Wait, how is that her being nosy?
Fat black girl: Well, it's what she get. She didn't know it; now she does. Serve her right for askin'.
Clothing store, 4500 North Oracle Road
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: i just wanted to shop
10AM Get Me Two Pirates!
CSR: I need, like, four more arms and three more eyeballs. That way I could do more than one thing at a time.
Tempe, Arizona
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
2PM And All of My Hose Jokes Were Already Exhausted
Older lady on phone: I don't have any gorillas today! (Pause) No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny.
Hose parts corporate office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Hiding in my cube
3PM If It Weren't for IBS, I'd Have No Reason to Get Up in the Morning
Designer: I'm bored and all the bathrooms are full.
605 Lakeview Drive
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: so what?
12PM She Doesn't Need to Work, but She's in It for the SWAG
Supervisor: I have to clean this place up today before one of the company reps shows up!
Worker: Are they bringing us some squishy balls?!
Supervisor: No... Oh, not that kind of rep -- this guy is from one of the companies that pays us.
Worker: What? Are they at least bringing some candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Yay, candy!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
10AM ... Limiting Our Lunch Breaks, Not Stealing Supplies, Wearing Shoes...
Coworker #1 holding company's new tech use policy: It says we're not supposed to blog on company time.
Coworker #2: Whatever. It's not like we follow any of their other policies, like doing work and shit.
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM You're Not Gonna Make That "Fine Wine" Analogy Again, Are You?
Office grunt: There's nothing wrong with grandmas... Like you've never wanted a GILF!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
2PM No, No, Wait -- It's the One with Mr. Toad, Right?
Ad rep #1: The best movie is on TV tonight.
Ad rep #2: What movie is that?
Ad rep #1: Gone with the Wind.
Ad rep #2: Is that the same as...? No, that's A Walk in the Clouds.
Programmers: What?!
Ad rep #2: I got confused -- they're similar. Well, which one is Gone with the Wind?
Ad rep #1: It has Clark Gable.
Ad rep #2: Is that the guy that played Superman?
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
1PM Where's Your Savior Now, Fatty?
Coworker secretly returning another's bag of snacks while clutching stomach: Good God. This must be how those people who are eating that 200-pound, anatomically correct chocolate Jesus feel. Pardon me while I unbutton my pants so I can breathe.
300 North McKemy Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM So... Yes
Spanish teacher, in Spanish: Margarita, what are you doing today?
Margarita: [Mutters something in Spanish.]
Student: Did you just say, 'I'm planning to attend the party where it is raining babies'?
Margarita: Baby shower. I'm going to a baby shower!
Community college
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
11AM So Let's Just Tell Them There Are WMDs
IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.
Tonopah, Arizona
4PM Of Course, That's Just a Projection
Office peon: Dammit, I couldn't get this done... even if I did work.
Arizona
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM What Kind of Mushroom Omelette Was That?
Accountant: I don't know which color is green, but one color is green, and one color is white.
Office girl: What about red?
Accountant: I'm not so sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
5PM I'm Too Ashamed
Cashier: Oh, I'm sorry, it says your funds are insignificant. Maybe you should call your bank?
917 East Broadway
Tempe, Arizona
2PM Flog Him, Let Him Lick His Wounds, Take Him for Drinks
Partner #1: What's on the agenda for my meeting with Jerry*?
Partner #2: Ask whether his HIV is full-blown AIDS. Find out if he's using client money to pay for his crystal meth habit. Ask if he's ready to face the NASD, SIPC, and SEC.
2999 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
5PM I Need a Break from Listening to My Wife Go on about It
Employee on phone: Yeah, you know, my dad died last weekend, which is a good thing... Hey, you wanna go fishin'?
Mesa, Arizona
11AM Yes, Always. Why Do You Ask?
Doctor: Women come into my office at least once a month and completely lose it -- blubbering all over the place. I had one in here today.
Wife: Are they married?
Chandler, Arizona
Overheard by: Office Manager
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
2PM Human Sacrifice?
Student worker: So, Joe* only got through four buckets today, so can I just do four buckets and go home?
Supervisor: No, you can't, because Joe washed all the buckets that were over there and built that huge pyramid with them.
Student worker: Awww, man! How can I compete with him when he builds pyramids?
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
1PM That's the Last Time I Try eHarmony
Coworker holding severely bent glasses to his face: I utterly despise her! She's terrible, and particularly useless because she's already married!
Marley Building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM I Don't Want Too Much Blood Reaching My Brain
Bimbette #1: Oh my gosh, this choker is, like, choking me! Can you loosen it, please?
Bimbette #2: Yeah. Do you want it, like, way looser?
Bimbette #1: Yeah... Oh my gosh, it's so tight it's cutting into my-- Well, I know girls don't have Adam's apples, but it's cutting in right there!
Bimbette #2: Is that better?
Bimbette #1: No. It's too loose. It needs to be tighter.
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM Yes Sir, Mr. Gonzales!
Boss: Please stop reading up on our client. I need you to be able to do your job... It's a moral grey area.
1320 South Val Vista Drive
Mesa, Arizona
1PM And What Is Your Plan for Keeping It from Them?
Analyst: I can give you the numbers in those divisions, but you can't go public with it.
Marketing manager: I'm not going to go public with it, just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who's going to be at the meeting?
Marketing manager: It's a stakeholder meeting. So, whoever wants to, you know. It's open to the public.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
10AM Geez, I'm Getting All Stressed Here
Over-zealous professor talking about tribal genital mutilation: ... So the viewers experienced more stress when they watched the people getting their genitals whacked off! They got whacked off!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
1PM And Eating Pimp Scout Cookies
Writer: So, if I get the new position I'll be your boss.
Designer: That's what I hear.
Writer: I could be all... pimp-slapping you if you got out of line. Or, like, assigning you all kinds of work while I'm laying on the beach drinking one percent milk.
Designer: With that raise you could be drinking whole milk!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
2PM My Job Is to Escalate the Confrontation
Angry customer: [Inaudible over phone.]
Employee: I apologize, sir. I understand your frusteration.
Angry customer: Why do you keep calling me 'sir'?
Employee: Oh! Ma'am. I apologize.
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM I Give Them a Year, Tops
Director of sales and marketing baby-talking and hugging his iBook: Some day you're going to be a dinosaur and no one is going to like you! But not me! No, I love you, little iBook.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: reservations monster
1PM ... Instead of Just the FBI and Major League Baseball
Professor: Someone hacked into the university's website, and now the Russian mafia has all of your information.
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Colleen
4PM The Needle and the Damage Done
Assistant #1: The doctor said I can't have any more pain medication.
Assistant #2: She's just trying to keep you from getting hooked.
Assistant #1: Yeah, I guess she's right. I come from a long line of drunkards, addicts, and musicians.
6710 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM It Was Supposed to Eliminate Frizz
Bimbette #1: I burned my ear this morning.
Bimbette #2: Oh, on your curling iron?
Bimbette #1: No, with the coffee.
2402 West Beardsley Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: InvertedSpear
5PM Because When You Just Keep Slapping Me, It Really Doesn't Get Your Point Across
Manager everyone loathes: It's okay to talk to me verbally about that...
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
5PM Here, Talk to the Baby
Caller: I'm having contractions!
911 operator: Are you pregnant?
201 Spring Street
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: push, push
12PM I Can't Compete with That!
Boss: No, trust me. The last thing you want to do is bring your spouse on a company Las Vegas trip. You'll be divorced by the time you get home.
Salesman: Oh, really?
Boss: You know, because of all the drugs... and hookers.
Salesman: Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
9633 South 48th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM When Collies Are Mainstreamed at Public Universities
Professor: Girls, you have got to stop humping!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Because Man Do I Need to Pass Today's Compulsory Drug Test
Nurse with very thick accent: Hi, what's your name?
Patient: Huh?
Nurse: That's nice, can I have a urine sample?
Highland Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM We May Need to Go to Godiva for That
Dad: Come on, guys, pick out a gift and let's go...
Son: I know what we're giving Mommy.
Younger daughter: A big butt! A really big B-U-T-T!
Barnes & Noble
Glendale, Arizona
Overheard by: Blue Girl In A Red State
1PM I'm Not Giving up Show Business, Though
Becky*: Sometimes, when I'm sick, I think, 'What did I do to deserve this?' And then I remember, 'Oh, yeah -- ass to mouth.'
830 W Warner Road
Gilbert, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
2PM Logicians Tell Us This Is 'Trivially True'
Receptionist: Why would he think he could do that? Why would he think I'd be interested?
Coworker: I don't know. Did you give him some kind of sign?
Receptionist: What? Because I was nice?! I'm nice to every one-legged hooker with an eyepatch who comes in here!
East Osborn
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: It Happens Every Day
9AM I Probably Would Never Do That with a Real Baby
Girl #1: Um, where is your baby?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Your baby -- where is it?
Girl #2: Shit.
Girl #1: You forgot it, didn't you? You know those things have computer chips in them that register every time it cries or burps or poops, right? Your grade depends on that chip's happiness!
Girl #2: Um, I think I left it in my boyfriend's truck... since Thursday.
Home Economics class, Ironwood High School
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Okay, Now Gently Place Half of a Potato over It...
IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down... Your mouse isn't working? [Pause] Ma'am... Ma'am, pick it up off the floor.
Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
3PM And I'm Not 100% Sure about Kangaroos, Either
Pizza Hut driver: Would you rather fight a kangaroo or wolverine?
Pizza Hut CSR: Well, kangaroos are pretty tough, but wolverines aren't real.
7th Street and Union Hills
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM That's Why You Shouldn't Mix Salty Foods with Carbonated Beverages
Marketing manager: Uh-oh. I just totally blogged.
4th Avenue and Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: embarrassed for you
10AM Wow, You Must Be the Coolest Cracker in Arizona
Guy: I used to work in an inner city office.
Girl: Really?
Guy: Yeah, I learned lots of words from them. Like 'booyah'. It means 'good.' Like, 'That is booyah!'
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: The Intern
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
2PM Well, I Do Have a Master's in Evacuation
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
355 North Euclid Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Didn't Speak up
Writer: 'Portly' sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: 'Portly' sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That's not 'portly!' That's obese!
Designer: What's the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM And who do you Mean When you Say 'You'?
Coworker #1: Did you work here in 1993?
Coworker #2: 'Here' in what sense?
1110 West Washington Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: next cube over
11AM Another Victim of the 'Math Is Hard' Barbie
Barista: What are you going to do when you grow up?
Little girl: Doctor.
Barista: You want to be a doctor? That's wonderful!
Little girl: No. Mommy told me to marry doctor and have kids. I want 27!
Ft Valley Road
Flagstaff, Arizona
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
4PM I'll Eat What I Can and Take the Rest Home for Breakfast
Guy on the phone: Yeah, so I'll just eat a light dinner and when we get there we can share a cowboy... Oh yeah, that sounds much better!
Tucson, AZ
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM 'So Peaceful You Could Cut It with a Knife,' I Said
Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she's going to go get a knife.
1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Volks
9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight
Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM At Last We Learn How Howard the Duck Got Greenlighted
Writer: I told you that duck was evil.
Designer: I know.
Writer: But you kept trying to squeeze him in the layout anyway.
Designer: I know. He looked so tempting when I first saw him! But that duck was the spawn of Satan.
Writer: I told you he was a freak.
Designer: He lured me in!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: I don't really want to know.
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
5PM Either a 75-Gallon Mixer or That Red-and-White Twine They Tie Cakes Up With
Elderly woman to husband: I told you we wouldn't find it here! I told you the only place we'd find it was a hardware store or a bakery!
Department store
Glendale, Arizona
5PM Your Testimony Is Highly Suspect
Designer: Here, just try it.
Writer: No.
Designer: Come on! Why are you being so stubborn?
Writer, shouting: I am not putting that in my mouth! It's all limp!
Pause.
Writer, shouting into hallway: I was talking about French fries!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
12PM Color-Coded by Size
Rep: What's a vaginal dilator?
Nurse: A penis?
4645 East Cotton Center Boulevard
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Hey, I've Got Some Straw in the Corner of My Office. Want to Watch it Turn Into Worms?
Co-Worker #1: Do you have to dust your desk all the time with your window shade open?
Co-Worker #2: No, why?
Co-Worker #1: Because of all the sun.
Co-Worker #2: Huh?
Co-Worker #1: Dust comes from sunlight.
4725 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM Now He Has to Be Mexican for a Year Before He Can Take It Again
Co-Worker: He was Canadian until he took the test.
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: Hanna
12PM Lunch
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
9AM Back to Work
Boss: We are a team. If you tell me that you cannot work on your day off, then you are not being a very good team member.
1119 N. Brown
Casa Grande, Arizona
Overheard by: Alisa
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: I was on time every day this week.
Employee #2: What? No way. You? Please, you're always late.
Employee #1: No, seriously.
Employee #2: Dude, weren't you late today? You're always late on Fridays.
Employee #1: I got here at 8:35 but normally I show up at 9am, so I wasn't late today.
Employee #2: 8:35 is late. Everyone else shows up at 8.
Employee #1: I have to take my daughter to school so that's why I'm typically late...but um...her school's out now for the summer so...yeah, I just forgot to set my alarm.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Coffee Break
Coworker: I think he's on crack. I mean, in a good way. I just think he's on crack.
1901 West University
Tempe, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee #1: I don't believe in God. I believe in ghosts, but not God.
Employee #2: What about aliens?
Employee #1: Oh, totally!
Boss: Don't you guys have something more important to be doing?
Employee #2: I have about 1,000 other things to do. None of them is more important than this.
2223 East Speedway
Tucson, Arizona
1PM Layout Session
Designer: The image is 144 by 216.
Writer: What the hell kind of dimensions are those?
Designer: 144 is 2 inches. Pretty standard. And--
Writer: Fine, but what is this 216 business?
Designer: Are you kidding me? Do some math. It's three inches.
Writer: Oh. Well, how should I know? You know I'm not one to mess around with anything two or three inches.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: How do I transfer calls?
Teller: You're an idiot wrapped in moron.
845 North Gilbert Road
Gilbert, Arizona
12PM Send Out Packages
Designer: All right. V & S Courier will pick up those CDs this afternoon.
Writer: "V & S"? What is that, Venereal and Syphillis?
Designer: I think so. And like venereal and syphillis, they are always traveling back and forth. From customer to customer.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Marketing Manager: Hey, so welcome back! First day at work with your new boobs, huh?
Writer: No, it would appear the same old ones still work here.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
12PM Monitor Call Desk
CSR: I can't understand her. She's confusing me...She's talking all smart and stuff.
3320 West Cheryl Drive
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Worker: If you see [Jen] or [Jake], can you tell them I need to talk to them?
Boss: What for?
Worker: I just need to ask them about this thing for Thursday.
Boss: Oh, I don't know anything about that. You'll have to ask [Jen] or [Jen] about it.
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: I don't want to donate my organs when I die. Those doctors make too much profit off the surgeries.
Worker #2: Does your wife know this? Because I'm pretty sure your next-of-kin can override your decision.
Worker #1: Is that true? I would beat my wife in heaven if she donated my organs after I was dead.
111 South 34th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Sales #1: There's lint on your shoulder.
Sales #2: Oh.
Sales #1: Here, I'll pick it off. Wait, here's Scotch tape; that works better.
Sales #2: I feel like those monkeys that pick bugs off each other's heads and backs.
712 South Hacienda Drive
Tempe, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Cube #1: It's so cloudy out today; is there an Armageddon scheduled that I didn't know about?
Cube #2: I think it's supposed to rain.
Cube #1: Well, since you're closest to the window it's your responsibility to inform the rest of us if the rain contains a plague of locusts. Tough break, but that's the responsibility that comes with good cubicle location.
1944 East Sky Harbor Circle
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Plan New Office
Boss: Hey, can you help me? I need to make a floor plan for the new office.
Underling: Yeah, sure. What are the dimensions?
Boss: It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but what are the dimensions?
Boss: What do you mean? It's 10,000 square feet.
Underling: Yeah, but like what is the length and width?
Boss: Just make it 10,000 square feet.
Underling: But is it a square, or a rectangle, or what?
Boss: Uh, make it a rectangle.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Reports Due (?)
Drone #1: Do you need the reports immediately?
Drone #2: Yeah, but not right now.
2929 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: What's the matter?
Co-worker #2: I'm cold.
Co-worker #1: How can you be cold? It's Friday.
Co-worker #2: ...What?
1944 East Sky Harbor Circle
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Smoke Break
Marketing Manager: You know it would be so awful if that hunting guy died, but yet, it would be so awesome if that hunting guy died.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Talk in Conference Room
Receptionist: What did you think of that visiting speaker? He was kinda cute!
Engineer: What a dork!
Receptionist: So he was a dork by dork standards? Wow!
ASU Engineering Center
Tempe, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Writer: What the heck is going on with you?
Designer: Why?
Writer: Because I messaged you like three times.
Designer: Oh. I didn't see it.
Writer: Thank god I wasn't sending you my suicide note.
Designer: You would do that through Yahoo!?
Writer: I don't know. Maybe. Is it too informal?
Designer: Kind of. I mean like print it out or something. Then somebody could drop it in my box.
Writer: What font would I even use?
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
12PM Product Meeting
Boss: Oh, one other thing. I didn't think the Sunday [product] was very strong.
Worker: Well, what would you have done differently?
Boss: I'm not really sure...I just think we needed something different there.
Worker: Like what?
Boss: Well, that's really the question, isn't it?
120 West First Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Who was in the bathroom just a minute ago?
Co-worker #2: I don't know.
Co-worker #1: Someone was in there taking a dump, and I could see under the stall that he had his shoes off.
Co-worker #2: Wait, like barefoot?
Co-worker #1: Well, with his socks on. Who would take their shoes off, though?
Co-worker #3: I don't know, but I think I might start doing that. Not a bad idea!
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
4PM Quarterly Assessment Meeting
Regional Director: So our biggest problem last year was we tried to take over the whole world, and the whole world is a big place. We need to think small, concentrate on taking over individual countries first...like Wisconsin.
2100 South Priest Drive
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Edit Reports
Co-worker #1: Hey, come in here for a sec!
Co-worker #2: Can it wait a second? I'm trying to finish this by lunch.
Co-worker #1: Never mind; it's just fart noises.
712 South McClintock Drive
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Check Forecast
VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel Durand
2PM Mail Card
Writer: The stupid mailroom is like the Gestapo now. They won't mail this greeting card for me. Can you give me a stamp?
Designer: I guess so. I can get one at lunch for you.
Writer: Okay. Thanks. I'll give you thirty-five cents for it.
Designer: Thirty-seven cents.
Writer: You're charging a two-cent fee for a stamp? You're worse than the damn mail room.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
2PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I pretty much hate that stupid nursing consultant.
Co-worker #2: I know. Me too.
Co-worker #1: She's so phony. It's 'cause she's Southern.
Co-worker #2: I know! I hate Southerners! And I'm not even black!
Co-worker #1: Uh...what?
Co-worker #2: Well, you know. The slave thing. Don't you hate her because of the slave thing?
Co-worker #1: Uh, no.
100 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Analyst #1: I hate going into that lunchroom when the people from claims are in there having a potluck.
Analyst #2: I know, it's like the bar scene in Star Wars.
4645 East Cotton Center Bouelvard
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: This is the hard part. Yep, it still looks like tomato soup.
5801 South Wintersburg Road
Tonopah, Arizona
5PM That's a Wrap
Home Depot worker: And so he says to me, "Are those metric inches?"
650 North 54th Street
Chandler, Arizona
12PM QA
Co-worker #1: "...And so, if you're still working on the website, I just discovered a serious error using a Mac."...Who cares?
Co-worker #2: Seriously, you should write back and say, "Dude, why are you even using a Mac?"
111 West Rio Salado Parkway
Tempe, Arizona
12PM Personal Call
The boss is at his desk playing a video game when a co-worker approaches.
Co-worker: Do you mind if I step outside for a moment to make a personal call?
Boss: Can't it wait? We're not paying you to do nothing.
510 South 52nd Street
Tempe, Arizona
11AM Sitdown with HR
Worker #1: Hey, do you have a sec?
Worker #2: Sure, I have lots of secs.
16101 North 82nd Street
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM I Knew It I Knew It I Knew It
Systems Engineer: How long will it take for you to implement [the customer]'s changes?
Engineer: About two-three weeks. So four weeks.
Systems Engineer: Good. And how long will it take you to make your changes?
Intern: Well, I already did it, and it took an hour.
Systems Engineer: Okay, I'll tell them five weeks total.
1440 N. Fiesta Boulevard
Gilbert, Arizona
12AM Someone's Brain is on a Dial-up
Employee #1: See, I don't understand that. Explain that to me.
Employee #2: Okay.
Employee #1: Well...go ahead...
1920 W. Lindner Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
6AM There Goes the Whole Function of Language
Businesslady: Where the hell is my charger, did I leave it at the office? I thought I put it in, but...Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk to myself.
TSA lady: Well, that's OK, Sugar. Sometimes we have to talk to ourselves because we're the only ones who can understand.
Sky Harbor Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
