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10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
12PM Or We Could Just Play Darts on a Photo of Mel Gibson Again
Bimbette news assistant: I'm going to go to Target tonight and find something real Jewish and bring it in... Oooh, maybe I could find a piñata -- a Jewish piñata... With a menorah for a tail.
1401 Shop Road
Columbia, South Carolina
12PM Because Now I Have to Go See
Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.
Sandwich shop
South Carolina
4PM Of Course, Now I'll Have to Sue Him
CSR: Stan* filled my pipeline with so much hardware it made my whole third quarter.
Hilton Head, South Carolina
4PM They Understand That They Need to Use Smaller Words
Intern: I think I need to dye my hair blonde again. People understand me better when I'm blonde.
Charleston, South Carolina
5PM ... Where I Went to School
Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That's in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that's the Magic Kingdom...
Woman: Oh, you're right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Service Dispatcher
3PM Judi Dench Fan-Fic Has a Small but Devoted Following
Engineer #1, about coworker's new implants: Dude, I know! She is totally shaped like a cartoon!
Engineer #2: I would really like to get in there and... motorboat, motorboat, motorboat!
Highway 78
Ladson, South Carolina
11AM Suspicious White Stuff, Anyway
Front desk girl to maintenance guy, about her empty water bottle: Yeah, there were no babies in it like last time.
5055 International Boulevard
North Charleston, South Carolina
11AM To What Extent Are You Her?
Old, crazy worker lady: Hey, what department do you work in?
New girl: I work in XYZ department*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, what do you do there?
New girl: I'm an assistant.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, you're a lawyer?
New girl: No, I'm an assistant. My name's Erin Murray*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, Erin Murray! Oh, I know her -- I'm a big fan of her work.
South Carolina
Overheard by: stuck in sc
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
4PM The Architect Insisted the Museum Have a Rumble Seat
Library supervisor: Can you hand me those staplers? I've gotta take them back to those who dwell in the rear.
Library
Columbia, South Carolina
2PM Linnaeus Is Rolling Over in His Grave
Working girl #1: So, I've decided I'm going to get a tattoo of dolphins around my belly button.
Working girl #2: But if you get pregnant, won't they look like... whales?
Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
9AM Myra Makes a Counterintelligence Breakthrough
Girl on cell: Don't worry, I Photoshopped my moles off, so the boobs are unidentifiable.
Main Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
10AM The Real Battle Is between Flesh and Synthetic Fibers
Coworker #1: So how did your tennis match go last night?
Brad*: Um, I'd rather not talk about it.
Coworker #2: Nobody wins when Brad wears tennis shorts.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
12PM Next Time, Aim Lower Than a Police Car
Woman on phone: What do you mean, you never thought you would get caught in a stolen car?!
Columbia Business Park
Columbia, South Carolina
10AM But the First Step Is Not Admitting You Have a Problem
Staffer: I just left Publix and my cashier's name was Kartoon.
HR manager: Oh, yeah! My wife was telling me about her. Do you think her parents meant to name her 'Khartoum,' after the country in Africa?
Staffer: I don't know. Maybe it's just a popular name from her parents' native country.
HR manager: Oh, you mean she's not black?
Staffer: What? No, she's Asian.
HR manager: Oh. Was I stereotyping just now?
Staffer: Ummm, yeah, a little bit... You are so in the right profession.
Office
Hilton Head, South Carolina
4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me
Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned
10AM Even One's Probably Too Many
Woman: That's why I'm glad I only have one kid -- I can't keep up with all the names.
Sunset Boulevard
Lexington, South Carolina
Overheard by: LL
12PM It's Always in the Last Place You Look
Pregnant teen cashier: Where is my prostate?
Coworker: Uhhh...
South Carolina
10AM The War's Gonna Get Expensive If We Have to Care for the Injured
Female suit on cell: I can't understand why they couldn't just fix him up there in Baghdad... It was only his arm... And it was still attached!
North Charleston, South Carolina
4PM Danny Here Takes Care of Exasturbating the Boss
Ditzy intern: I know you're busy so I'm not going to exasturbate things...
Suit: Oh, not at all... In fact, better that you exasturbate me than the boss.
1901 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
1PM Talk to the Pantone People
Manager: There's no black in here.
Ink delivery man: What?
Manager: I ordered all the colors, but there's no black.
Ink delivery man: Well, yeah... Black's not a color.
700 East North Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: colorblind
11AM Gives a New Meaning to 'Dirty Cop'
Cop: Oh my god! This peanut butter pie is so good, I just want to rub it all over my ass and dance around the lobby!
Tanner Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Xtina
10AM If It Doesn't Offend Someone's Religion, It's Not Worth Doing
Male employee: And the worst thing is that we're not allowed to do anything to stop another attack. No profiling so we don't offend someone's religion. To hell with that!
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
10AM And by That I Mean Those Little Plastic Containers Shaped Like Lemons
Waitress to customers: We take vodka and add fresh-squeezed lemon juice... from lemons.
Pamplico Highway
Florence, South Carolina
Overheard by: I Prefer Limes
4PM He Has, He's Just Hoping She'll Show Him Where It Is
Male employee #1: I don't think it exists.
Female employee: The G-spot? Oh, it's real.
Male employee #1: I think it's a mythical place.
Male employee #2: I've never heard of it.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
4PM Just Singe the Page a Bit
Company president: I love the photo [of a blonde girl on the beach] you used on this brochure. It's perfect. But can you keep the same photo and just make her black instead?
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Office Peon
10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work
Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?
Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina
Overheard by: Trying not to choke
9AM Spice Girls: 'No Problem!'
Salesperson: They don't have to know what they want. They just have to tell me what they want.
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: dying a slow death
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
12PM No, He's Reading Too Loud
Children's librarian: Do you mind?
Chick with breast exposed, nursing her baby: I'm sorry, is he sucking too loud?
York County Library
Rock Hill, South Carolina
5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon
Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Coffee Break
Employee to uniformed employee: You working today?
UE looks down at shirt: Nope, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
1125 Woodruff Road
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Roman Fox
12PM Reviews Due
Manager: How has his performance been since we counseled him last June?
Subordinate: He's been real good. He did a complete 350.
7801 Park Place Road
York, South Carolina
Overheard by: K. Boss
3PM Smoke Break
Marketer: So after sitting in her funky trailer for about 2 hours
listening to her talk about God, this lady was like, "Baby...I have been reading my Bible for 53 years...and I can tell you read your Bible, too..." So, I in my best Southern voice, said, "Yes, ma'am...I
read my Bible every day. I try to live my life according to the
Word." But, I was just bullshitting. I'm probably going to hell. I mean she is like 90 and lives in a single-wide behind her daughter who lives in a double-wide...She can't wipe her own ass...She's about to die...and I am lying about reading the Bible. But we had a patient pass yesterday and we need one to take his place. Gotta keep the bodies moving...gotta get that bonus. Y'know?
1441 Main Street
Columbia, South Carolina
5PM That's a Wrap
Manager: We don't have a single product with an orifice
2299 Ridge Road
Greenville, South Carolina
9AM Back to Work
Secretary: Something's wrong with my computer. I think it's broken.
IT: Your monitor is off.
201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: That must be why I haven't been getting any sleep; I moved back to my own desk!
856 William Hilton Parkway
Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
12PM Update the [Janet] File
[Janet]: You can drown if you drink too much water.
[Janet]: Summer is my favorite month.
[Janet]: Where is Latin? Isn't that a country?
[Janet]: The funniest thing I heard today, I said it myself. I said, "You mean John White, the black man?"
Co-worker #1: I've heard about some diets that help regulate the acid-base balance in the blood. Is there any validity in those diets?"
Co-worker #2: I think that your kidneys help do that.
[Janet]: My equilibrium does that.
Instructor: Emphysema patients have chronic weight loss.
[Janet]: Is that why you gain weight when you quit cigarettes?
2070 North Rivers Business Center
Charleston, South Carolina
2PM Chick Becomes VP and Loses All Sense of Decorum
VP: You'll need to sit between [Jake] and I at the next meeting so I don't kick his ass.
Peon: I'll hold him if you'll hit him.
1500 Hampton Street
Columbia, South Carolina
7AM Hell Hath No Fury Like a Reporter Spurned
Reporter: We can't give Gary an award.
Copy editor: Why not? You know, if it's the best story and he was here during that month...
Reporter: What, we're going to give him a posthumous award?
Copy editor: You know, Gary's not dead.
Reporter: He is to me!
189 W. Main Street
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
