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3PM I Am So Suing Myself
Intern #1: That whole team is full of white receivers.
Intern #2: What's wrong with white receivers?
Intern #1: They're slow, man. I hate to be racist, but they are slow.
Intern #2: Yeah...
Intern #1: Hey, can I be racist against my own race?
1555 Pearl Street
Boulder, Colorado
11AM You Should See Me Paddle Myself
Male coworker #1: Oh, come on. You know you wanted to be in a frat.
Male coworker #2: I am a frat of one.
Linden Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Ethan Holbrook
2PM A Few Are Really Overweight
Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
2PM Mrs. Fields Has Her Fingers in a Lot of Pies
Sweet-looking old lady on phone: What's the word on the street? Yeah, that little girl will do just fine... I told her it doesn't hurt. Well, if you get a good client, it doesn't hurt... Well, I've got twenty... Great, bye!
University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Terrified Co-Worker
10AM You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ...
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?
Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...
Boulder, Colorado
4PM Then I'll Get Promoted for Sure!
Manager: I'll just talk a lot... but not really say anything.
5800 South Quebec Street
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: leedle
12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"
Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.
9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez
11AM Which Is Part of the Reason I've Been Fired
Worker bee: It's like he's a totally different person. I'm not sure if it's him or if he's been taken over by aliens. I keep checking him for anal probes.
Denver, Colorado
1PM By a Tentacle
Cube rat: They need to have some kind of alien baby hanging off the front page...
Golden, Colorado
Overheard by: Peon
10AM Now Are You Ready to Order?
Waitress: I don't want any sauce touching me... Unless it's being licked off of me.
1027 West Horsetooth Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
2PM Like a Play within a Play, but with Much More Poop
Volunteer to another, in giraffe house: You should have been here last night -- it was a total zoo.
Denver Zoo
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Randy Peterman
4PM Since Most of the People We Deal with Are Essentially Potted Plants
Sales guy, about customer: She's an idiot.
Customer service manager: Awesome!
4755 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado
3PM Trent Lott Just Isn't Doing It for Me Anymore
Cube dweller #1: Hey, today's your first paycheck, right? What are you gonna do with it?
Cube dweller #2: I gonna buy a new whip.
Englewood, Colorado
11AM Many Computer Users Are Like Cargo Cultists
Old female boss, struggling with computer: My-- What's wrong with my-- Does anyone know what's the problem with my--
Worker: --What's the question?!
Old female boss: My mouse doesn't work.
Worker: So how long were you going to sit there moving it around on your desk?
Old female boss: Well, it's not working! [Worker sighs loudly, turns back to his computer.]
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
5PM I Always Fall for That One
ER nurse #1: No, she wouldn't let us. I've been trying for 20 minutes.
ER doctor: Well, then she needs to understand that we can't establish the assault if we can't get to the evidence.
ER nurse #1: I don't think she cares. I mean, she wanted me to smell her underwear!
ER nurse #2: What? Did you?
ER nurse #1: Yeah. It didn't help.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
12PM And So Began the 2007 Rold Gold Rush
CEO: I need you to call Dan*.
VP: Why?
CEO: I need you to distract him while I steal his pretzels. I need those pretzels.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Cubeville denizen
1PM And Cool, Sweet Existential Despair
Peon #1: The French are pretentious, but every once in a while they invent something cool.
Peon #2: Yeah, like wife-swapping.
504 Main Street
Colorado
Overheard by: shaine
3PM Exactly Why I Asked
Passenger: What time does the five o'clock bus leave?
Bus driver, sarcastically: I don't know.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Another bus driver
5PM Now, Does Jesus Say That Every Time We Have Communion?
Crazy ER patient: I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord!
Monotone nurse #1, taking vitals: Blood pressure, 150 over 80... Pulse, 110.
Nurse #2: Yes, yes, but does he believe in the Lord?
Monotone nurse #1: Haha. Hold him. [Jabs crazy patient with a needle.]
Crazy ER patient: I believe in-- Aaauuugh! You bitch!
Nurse #2: What about the Lord?
Crazy ER patient: Auuugh! Stop taking my blood, you bitch!
Colorado
Overheard by: TK
9AM Internet, Eh?
Client: Who owns the Internet?
Sales guy: Nobody.
Client: Well, somebody's making money!
Web design firm
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: office peon
5PM From My Big Book of Muddled Management Metaphors
Boss: You know, if you're behind the train, then you're probably driving on the tracks again.
200 West Oak Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
9AM And I'm Going to Be Completely Rigid about This
Old maid boss: Do you have a boner over there?
Young male worker, confused: I'm sorry, what?
Old maid boss: A boner. For folding paper [holds up knife]. Do you have one?
Young male worker: How can you seriously be calling it that? I know you know what that means.
Old maid boss: No, I know you need one if you don't have one. I'll get another one.
Young male worker: I know you know what that means. I know you know what that means. I don't want anything to do with it.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
9AM Okay, Now Explain 'Compooter'
Oblivious female boss flipping through magazine: Oooh, pooter! I love pooter.
Startled worker: What?!
Oblivious female boss: Look -- pooter letter openers!
Startled worker: Um, that word is actually pronounced 'pewter.' [Under his breath] Christ.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
2PM It Would Also Succinctly Communicate What I Think of Our Mission Statement
Peon to another at two-hour mark in meeting: I'd poop in my chair if I thought it would make this meeting more interesting.
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Couldn't have hurt -- mighta helped
4PM Or Possibly a More Competent Lawyer
Programmer #1: I don't think my brother has been out of jail for Christmas or his birthday for the last six years.
Programmer #2: Maybe you should get him a subscription to Playboy?
Programmer #1: I was thinking cigarettes.
Tech center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: so glad I'm not related
2PM Only One of Those Can Be Eliminated
Director of nursing: I mean, you gotta be able to recognize the signs and be able to say, 'That's not a fear of dying, that's constipation!'
Hospice
Denver, Colorado
4PM We Know It's Gonna Be Good for Us
Manager: There is a difference between playing with ourselves and playing with our customers.
8033 Lory Student Center, Colorado State University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Alli
10AM Hello? My Daughter!
Employee #1: It's spelled S as in 'Shoenique...'
Employee #2: Huh?
Denver, Colorado
10AM Kinda Like Alien Vs. Sexual Predator
Girl on cell: Did I show my tits? Well, I know what that means. If a guy dreams about a girl he knows and she's naked, then it doesn't mean that he, you know, likes her or wants to fuck her. It means that he cherishes her. Yeah, really. [Long pause.] Well, I don't know what that means. That's the weirdest dream I ever heard.
University of Colorado
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Amused Psych Prof
3PM Like Mothballs, with a Hint of Vicks
Guy: I can't stand Red Bull. It tastes like old people.
Girl drinking Red Bull: You know what that tastes like?
Lucent Boulevard
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Red Bull Ben
12PM Um, Fire-Retardant, Bullet-Proof Paper Bags
Angry old engineer: Goddammit! This company couldn't engineer its way out of a paper bag with a fucking uzi and a blowtorch! What the fuck is it that we do around here?!
5634 University Avenue
Denver, Colorado
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
4PM There's No Room for Books at This Water Cooler
Coworker: Did you watch The Office last night?
Temp: No, I was reading.
Coworker: Well, buddy, you're working XYZ* Cable now. You better catch up so you know what we're talking about.
Temp: I'm a temp, I'm done this week anyway.
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Sixtwentysix
10AM But Possibly a Can of Soup
Cashier: Wow, you're pregnant!
Customer: Yep, that's what they tell me.
Cashier: Well, it looks like you're having a boy... or a girl. Definitely a boy or a girl.
Customer: Uh...
Grocery store
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Ryan
1PM He Hates It When You Use 'Abomination'
Student #1: I thought Dan* hated it when you used the word 'retarded.'
Student #2: No, Jen* is retarded, Dan is gay.
6450 South Fiddlers Green Circle
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Toddd
4PM But I Was Busy Refilling Clarissa
Coworker staring at beeping microwave: I heard you the first time, Fran.
220 West 3rd Street
Denver, Colorado
1PM The Coen Brothers: We're on It!
Coworker: You know, they really need to make more Queen Latifah movies.
4501 East Virginia Avenue
Glendale, Colorado
3PM Really? Baghdad?
Woman: Oh, I love that place!
Man: Wait, which place?
Woman: I don't know, whatever place you were just talking about.
Laurel Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
4PM ... Instead of Going around Them
Employee #1: Yeah, she didn't have the info I need yet, so I'll have to circumvent with her later.
Employee #2: Circumvent? Do you mean circle back?
Employee #1: Circle back? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Why do I always take the blunt of your jokes?
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
5PM But He Was in the Closet
Coworker #1 : Yo, did y'all know Robert E. Lee was an Aborigine?
Long pause.
Coworker #2: Do you mean 'abolitionist'?
Coworker #1: Oh, yeah.
1434 Larimer Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John Howard
11AM None of Us Are, Kid -- We're All Just Fakin' It
Newbie: I told you, I'm not brave enough to be a real waitress!
US-285
Conifer, Colorado
9AM Note to Self: Remove Foot from Mouth. Insert Banana.
IT guy #1: Oops, I dropped my banana.
IT guy #2: Well, that's the great thing about peelable fruit -- the inside is safe.
IT guy #1: Yeah, you can put it anywhere.
555 W 112th Avenue
Northglenn, Colorado
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
1PM An Irate Number 8 Refused to Fund Future Episodes of Sesame Street
Accounts payable tech: It's the letter eight. I mean the number eight.
6430 S. Fiddler's Green Circle
Denver, Colorado
9AM In Fairness, He Was Cross-Dressing at the Time
Construction worker #1: So you know how I knew you were gay?
Construction worker #2: WHAT?
Construction worker #1: It's cool, dude. But know how I knew?
Construction worker #2: [shakes head]
Construction worker #1: When you started making out with me at happy hour last week.
Construction worker #2: Oh. Oh, yeah.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
12PM And of Course He Was There at the Time
Bimbo: She really didn't betray him other than sleeping with someone else.
1300 Riverside Avenue
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: dazed and confused
2PM Then Why Are You Selling It?
Cashier: Ma'am, you do realize there's a fire ban in effect that includes charcoal grills?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was only for the locals.
City Market
Buena Vista, Colorado
Overheard by: One of the locals
5PM When Your Job Is Over Hard
Waitress: Can I ask you something? This customer wants two eggs. But he wants them fried. Do we even do that here?
Manager: Um, yes. Actually most eggs are fried. There's over easy, sunny side up, over hard...
Waitress: Oh, really? OK. Whatever.
30th & Walnut Streets
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Just having oatmeal
2PM You Can Feel the Silent Pressure of Her Presence on the Line, Though
Supervisor: She always answers the phone. It's just she forgets to talk.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
11AM They'll Never Guess You're Tara Reid Just by Looking at You
Doctor, to patient: Well, if you just don't tell them who you are, you won't have that problem.
7950 West Mississippi Avenue
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: LAP
3PM My Brain Is Still in Its Original Wrapping
Employee: So, we were going to mail all these invoices, but instead we're going to fax them since our postage machine died. Just put them on here and press start.
Temp: Okay! Got it.
Temp begins faxing.
Employee: Um, you have to take them out of the envelopes first.
380 Interlocken Crescent
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Catherine
11AM It'll Use the 'Eponymous Rage' Defense at Its Trial
Frustrated employee: I'm gonna build a robot named Microchip, and it's going to look like a microchip and it's going to kill people.
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: D
2PM And You Forgot Pants
Co-Worker #1: You look so different today.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, I'm not drunk, I shaved, and I took a shower.
9603 Meridian Boulevard
Englewood, Colorado
9AM He Was Here Last Week, Too
Manager: How can I help you?
Customer: Yeah, I've been taking this stuff from the internet that's supposed to help with memory. I wanted to see if you have it here.
Manager: Ok, we probably do. Was it Gingko Biloba?
Customer: Yeah, maybe. I'm not sure. I can't remember what it's called.
GNC, Cherry Creek Mall
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Dash
11AM Tetanus Shot
Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?
1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado
Overheard by: A Sane Applicant
3PM Customer Interfacing
Son: Do you believe in animal testing?
Mother: Yes and no. I think that it's fine to do it on all of the extra animals taking up space out there who don't belong to anyone, but when they take people's pets from their homes for testing, I think that's wrong.
4420 Austin Bluffs Parkway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
4PM Performance Reviews
Manager: She's actually very bright, she just doesn't speak or write.
200 West Oak
Fort Collins, Colorado
5PM That's a Wrap
Employee: Hey! Doesn't your ma get you anything from the Easter bunny?
Supervisor: It's been years since I've gotten anything.
Employee's boy: You live with your mom?
Supervisor: So what? So do you!
Employee's boy: No, I don't.
Supervisor: Huh?...Oh...Ah, shit.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
1PM Lunch
Supervisor on phone: ...I dunno where. You like Korean food? Of course you do, you're one of them.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
4PM Sensitivity Training
Boss on phone: If I ever do something that dumb again I want you to hit me. Hit me like a woman!
1621 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
10AM Team Meeting
Manager: You all need to help out and pull a shift in the Concierge Department. This is what team work is all about. I make too much money to help in the Concierge Department.
47 East Beaver Creek Boulevard
Avon, Colorado
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: So who is this [Harold] guy?
Co-worker #2: He was hired for a job, but never showed up.
Co-worker #1: Why? Did you ever find out?
Co-worker #2: All he wanted to do was rape and pillage, but Jesus wouldn't allow it in this establishment.
8042 South Grant Way
Littleton, Colorado
12PM Development Update
Programmer #1: How do I turn on logging in the web application?
Programmer #2: Talk dirty to it.
5450 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado
11AM Beta Testing
Co-worker: I mean, I love [our product] and all, but I don't want it to kill people.
5450 Tech Center Drive
Colorado Springs, Colorado
12PM Get Server Update
IT: Email seems to be working fine. I did a few tests and it's delivering viruses in an almost real-time fashion.
1201 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Adam G
11AM Staff Meeting
Manager: ...And this paper has a timeline for the changes that will benefit you in the coming months.
Employee: So this is kindling for the smoke you're blowing up our asses?
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
1PM Lunch
CSR: Oh my god. I just spilled soup on my glasses! I was eating soup and it splashed on my face.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
2PM Managers' Meeting
Manager: I'm sorry that was a dumb question, I just didn't have enough to eat before lunch.
1005 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
2PM Speak with HR
Co-worker on phone: Hello? I need to talk to the Chinese girl...I don't remember her name..."Sing-song", or something like that.
2300 East Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
1PM Lunch
New hire: Lord, I am not drinking any of this company's water. There are entirely too many pregnant people here.
9106 E. Panorama Circle
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Homer Thompson
4PM Call Accounting
Accountant: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? It's loud inside my head.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John
3PM Cigarette Break
Admin: Hey, Simon Wiesenthal died! Who's he?
Suit: Oh, he hunted Nazis or something. Cool!
Admin: Cool that he died?
Suit: Cool that he's in my dead pool!
1600 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: C. O'ntracter
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, what did you last night?
Co-worker #2: I wanted to watch Joey last night but the President was on. Every time I turn on the TV anymore, it's hurricane this and hurricane that. Makes me wish the hurricane never happened!
Co-worker #1: ...I think Joey was on later in the night.
Co-worker #2: Damn it!
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
2PM Order Phone, Anger Management Class
Employee: Damn it! I broke my speaker phone. I've punched it hundreds of times before and it hasn't broken...
6300 Diagonal Highway
Boulder, Colorado
4PM The Long Weekend is Finally Here
Co-worker #1: I'm taking the rest of the day off to play with my friend.
Co-worker #2: Thanks for that, but I really don't need to know your taking the rest of the day off to masturbate.
370 17th Street
Denver, Colorado
10AM Find Out What's Wrong with the Janitor
IT Guy #1: Why didn't the janitor take my empty computer boxes?
IT Guy #2: Did you put a sign on it for the guy to haul it away?
IT Guy #1: Yeah, it says "junk".
IT Guy #2: Dude, it should say "trash".
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
5AM Better Call in the Philosophers
IT Worker #1: Hey, the system is down.
IT Worker #2: ...The whole thing?
500 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
8AM There's No "I" in Team, But There's Two in Idiot
401k advisor: How nice to see you! How's your daughter doing? Is she back in Iran?
Co-worker: What?
401k advisor: Isn't she in Iran? Or...Iraq?
Co-worker: She is in Israel in the army.
401k advisor: Oh, sorry, I get all those "I" places mixed up.
2300 E. Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
8AM Oh, Snapfish!
Middle Manager: Snapfish is right in downtown San Francisco.
Transsexual: Hmm, maybe I should go work for them.
Middle Manager: Oh, you'd love it, they're very diverse...They're all young. They're all under 40.
Transsexual: Oh, maybe I'm too old.
3404 East Harmony Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
8AM Remember: Theory and Then Practice
Boss: So when I format the hard drive, it erases the operating system too?
Worker: Yes.
Boss: Oh...
3937 Ivywood Lane
Pueblo, Colorado
