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3PM Or That Some of Them Involved Donkeys
Cube rat on cell: So, I'm really annoyed because TJ* keeps ordering movies on the TV, and I told him he's going to have to pay for them... I just don't trust him... I know he's my boyfriend! You can block someone from doing that? Cool! ... I know, and he kept asking me whether I minded because he was ordering lots of movies, or if I minded that some of them were porn...
College admissions office
Wisconsin
4PM And Die?
Office peon, brightly: Well, you're never too old to stop learning!
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Think I'll Do That
3PM Measuring Out My Life with Coffee Spoons
Peon: No, thank you. I consider scrapbooking to be a gateway activity. The next thing you know, I'll be going to Tupperware or candle parties.
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM Why People Leave the Midwest
Outraged copywriter: I think it's time for lefties to conform and make check marks like the rest of us.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: righty and proud of it
3PM And Devote Your Full Attention to It
Peon #1: Did you devote your full attention to this?
Peon #2: Bite me.
Wausau, Wisconsin
3PM The Privilege of Rank
Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gee, Thanks
1PM You Always Manage to Live Down to My Expectations
Boss: You know, every day it gets harder and harder to underestimate you.
Innovation Drive
Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
3PM My Stretch Goal Is to Make It to Work on Time
Worker bee: There was an employee fitness challenge here today. Hilarity ensued.
Less productive bee: I imagine it would anytime you throw 'employee' and 'challenge' together in one sentence.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM We're Still Paying Off the Judgment in the Dumpty Case
CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM Sadly, That's the Most Specific Feedback I've Gotten All Year
Failed hipster boss to peon: You're really quiet today. Stop being so fucking inclusive.
Middleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: The Friendliest Emo of All
2PM Well, for One Thing, They Aren't There
Peon calling supervisor about note from employee: Did you check your pants today?
Production supervisor: What kind of question is that?
Madison, Wisconsin
11AM Would You Like to Adopt Me?
Employee: Can I have your first and last name?
Customer: I don't have one.
715 Jefferson Street
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM One Cold Day It Got Stuck
20-ish male CNA: Hey, what's a taint?
20-ish female nurse #1: Well, it 'taint your balls, and it 'taint your asshole -- it's in between.
20-ish female nurse #2: I don't think I have a taint...
20-ish male CNA: I had a girlfriend in high school who used to like to put her tongue there!
130 2nd Street
Neenah, Wisconsin
1PM So the Third Installment Will Be Terrible?
Boss lady: I think Rick* was talking to people in our aisle for a record 52 minutes. He's finally gone.
Assistant: Don't worry. He'll be back. Like herpes and the Terminator.
Wausau, Wisconsin
10AM But at Least You've Stopped Throwing Your Cat Up into Trees
Scientist at desk to tech in lab: Just because you want to see hot firemen doesn't mean you have to set off the alarm!
20925 Crossroads Circle
Waukesha, Wisconsin
3PM They'd Look Like Mating Coral Snakes
Grunt #1: Jack* and Cindy* both wore maroon shirts and pinstripe pants to work today.
Grunt #2: Don't you wish they'd just make out already?
Grunt #1: Totally.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM ... In a Hypothetical World Where I Play D&D
Coworker #1: We should start a D&D game.
Coworker #2: Yeah. Let's ask Ben* if he wants to play, too!
Coworker #1, yelling to Ben: Hey, want to play D&D later?
Ben, yelling back: No! I don't play D&D!
Coworker #2: We thought you'd be a good Druid.
Ben, yelling back: Fuck that, I'm a thief acrobat!
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Will
5PM At Least, Not Here
Customer: ... But the sign outside says it's $1.99.
Cashier: That's the meat and potato burrito. You ordered chicken. That's not meat.
301 Water Street
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
5PM Or the Sharpest Bulb in the Shed, for That Matter
Coworker #1: My son is hanging out with the stupidest kid...
Coworker #2: What do you mean?
Coworker #1: He's not exactly the brightest knife in the drawer.
Airport Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
2PM We'll Cycle between Passive-Aggressive and Malicious-Compliance
Peon, about new manager: We can be flexible and try new things and watch it blow up in her face.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM Helpful Anywhere in the World
Worker bee #1: Five second rule!
Worker bee #2: I'm from India. I can digest toxic waste!
D'Onofrio Drive
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Minx
5PM She Supports Building Half an Immigration Wall
Woman #1: Did you see the Avon book in accounting?
Woman #2: No, I haven't.
Woman #1: Well, it's all in Mexican. Only a little bit on the back was in English... Instead of having the whole thing in Mexican, they should've just done it half and half.
260 West Seeboth Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Which Is Probably Why All My Blowfish Keep Dying
Disgruntled employee: I like my rage. I hold it close, like a really scratchy blanket. Or a blowfish.
Wausau, Wisconsin
4PM Then Cancel Her?
Female coworker: She's so adorable it makes me want to lick her stamps.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM Hey, Why Do You Have All the Dry-Erase Markers?
Frazzled coworker: I need to order some aromatherapy stuff for my desk. Deadline days would go much smoother if I was a huffer.
Wausau, Wisconsin
5PM Yeah, I Like the Attention, Though
Frustrated employee to dim coworker: If you'd stop being an idiot I wouldn't have to hate you anymore.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Feel The Same Way
3PM Well, There Was a Black Lab, but I Was Just Experimenting in College
Person #1: Oooh! Chocolate cockers! I want a chocolate cocker!
Person #2: A what?!
Person #1: A chocolate cocker! I've never had a chocolate cocker!
Safety building, 30 North Murray Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Allison
4PM 2000 Years Old and Still a Virgin
Holy roller #1: He has a Jesus hat on. He looks really WT today.
Holy roller #2: Praise him.
Holy roller #1: Is that his wife? I think it is.
Holy roller #2: 'Thin-lipped, snake handling Jesus freaks,' I can hear her shrieking already. I wonder if they speak in tongues... Durka durka blah blah burble burble...
Holy roller #1: That's what it sounded like. Here they come...
Holy roller #2: I can feel the holy spirit oozing out of her. I'll bet she smells like Jesus.
Holy roller #1: Totally.
757 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
2PM Come On! When She Bites the Male's Head Off? Priceless
Suit: Who knew she had a sense of humor? She seems like someone more amused by insects mating on National Geographic.
Wausau, Wisconsin
12PM I've Been Looking for a Cheap Place
Perky woman: So, my friend's neighbor was totally murdered on her front yard.
Man: Cool!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Super grad student
4PM Maybe You Should Stop Sleeping with Sailors
Lady coworker #1 standing in hospital cafeteria line: Wow. Cod again? Why can't they have a bigger variety of seafood?
Lady coworker #2: It would be great if they would serve something besides fish, like shrimp or crab.
Lady coworker #1: Shellfish is always best when it's fresh, though. Whenever I go to the East Coast I always come back with crabs.
2801 W Oklahoma Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
4PM The Sound of the Chainsaw Was the Tip-Off
Coworker #1: I'm really excited about getting my hair cut tonight.
Coworker #2: What are you going to have done?
Coworker #1: I don't know. I usually just say, 'Surprise me.'
Coworker #2: Oh. That's what I said last time...
Coworker #1: That was a big mistake for you, wasn't it?
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: McMathis
12PM Toilet Designer: A Clear-Cut Case of User Error
Guy exiting bathroom: I hate it when I go to the bathroom and the back of my pants gets wet!
Cottage Grove, Wisconsin
Overheard by: My Pants are Dry
1PM 'Color Melanin Jones'
Girl: So I have this friend with an eight-month-old baby, and she named him 'Color.' It's a little weird, because the baby's dad is African-American... But the baby looks really white, so that makes it better.
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
3PM The Civil War Re-enactors Ruined That for Everybody
Employee: Do you think I can leave my machete on display? I moved my plants and posters.
Supervisor: Machete, cool. Bayonet, not cool. I already asked HR.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I Think I'll Request A Different Cubicle
3PM You've Never Asked Permission Before
Coworker to boss: I'm starting to feel like not being nice and not being so understanding to Jennifer*. You'll either have to give me a pep talk about politeness in the workplace, or give me permission to be a bitch.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: End of the Rope
12PM Which Was Actually Required by His Last Employer
Female coworker #1: So, what do you think about Henry?
Female coworker #2: He's an odd egg, but a good egg -- at least when he's not licking people.
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM You Want a Bite?
Female coworker: Dude. What's with the mutton chops?
Male coworker: Just keepin' it awesome, babe.
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM Two Weeks, Even
Girl #1: It doesn't really feel like Friday.
Girl #2: What does it feel like?
Girl #1: I don't know. It feels like a week from Friday.
220 Kroncke Drive
Sun Prairie, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Luke
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal
Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.
General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Feeling Secure
3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck
Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?
9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: T
4PM Why I Have No Pictures on My Desk
Lackey: So that's your wife, huh?
Suit: Yep.
Lackey: She's a grade-school teacher?
Suit: Yes.
Lackey: She looks like that one that had sex with her thirteen-year-old student.
275 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM I Hear They Have a Rivalry with the Fallujah Branch
Coworker #1: What branch of the military was he in?
Coworker #2: In the U.S.A. branch.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Kain
12PM Plus, They Poop All Over Your Suit
Male co-worker: I don't understand why taking your baby on your lap in an airplane is such a bad idea.
Female co-worker: Dude, what if you crash? That can't be safe.
Male co-worker: You're right, I guess. Babies probably don't make great flotation devices.
590 North Shore Drive
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Ashley
9AM Learn to See Delay as a Gift of Time
Tech: Are you all set on the pdf server now?
Client: Yes, I think so. Is it supposed to be so fugging slow uploading pdfs onto the ftp site?
Tech: Yup! That's a feature.
Client: Neat. Thanks.
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
1PM Why Mr. Ass's Employment Was Terminated During the Probationary Period
Boss: When will you be done with these?
Jackass: I dunno, all I have left is to finish.
Hudson, Wisconsin
2PM 'If It's Wednesday, Peel My Sunburn'?
Supervisor: Can you print me out a label that says "If it's Tuesday, oil me"?
545 North 15th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: KJean
2PM Eudora Downs Sydrome
Agent: Thank you for calling the help desk. Can I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: Is Eudora down?
Agent: Um, Eudora is a program that is isolated on your computer. It is not a system or network of everyone's email.
Customer: Is Eudora [campus email] down?
Agent: No.
Customer: I'll call my cable company.
Customer hangs up.
University of Wisconsin
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Brandon
1PM The Trick Is Eating Kim Chee and Never Showering
Asian guy: Hey, look! A butterfly!
White guy: Why don't you go catch it? That's what Asians do.
Asian guy: No, we catch flies.
White guy: With fucking chopsticks?
Asian guy: Yeah, but if you give me two cigarettes I could probably use those.
Parkland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gloria
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer on phone: Can I get reimbursed for herbal remedies through my flexible spending account?
CSR #1: No. Holocaustic medicines are not eligible for reimbursement unless you receive them as part of doctor's visit.
CSR #2: I think you meant holistic.
CSR #1: Whatever. Same thing.
2302 International Lane
Madison, Wisconsin
11AM Project Management
Guy: Should I put it in the folder?
Girl: Wait, I'm not sure. Should I take it out of the folder?
Guy: Um, maybe I should just put it in the folder.
Girl: No, I should take it out of the folder...
Guy: But, what if we need it in the folder?
127 Marina Drive
La Crosse, Wisconsin
3PM Vendor Call
Co-worker #1, speaking loudly on headset phone: Well, yeah, I can totally relate to backlog problems! I mean during that refi boom we were just wall to wall with boxes full of papers. We were up to our necks in papers! If the fire marshal would've come in here, I'm pretty positive that he would've shut us down!
Co-worker #2: Should he really be saying that to our vendors?
Co-worker #3: Well, if we ever get closed down due to our vendors calling the fire department on us, at least we'll know who to thank for the days off.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
11AM Sales Meeting
Director of Sales Support: If our salesmen were women they'd all be pregnant, because none of them know how to say no.
9898 West Bluemound Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Return Calls to Clients
Co-worker on phone: Uh yes, this is [Brett Myers} with the Mortgage Company. It's Wednesday, 10:30 AM...I'm sorry! It's just that...well, you sounded like a voicemail voice.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
2PM Management Meeting
Co-worker #1: What is our Vision Statement?
Co-worker #2: It says here, "Our Vision is to always be true to our Vision."
101 South Webster Street
Madison, Wisconsin
2PM Schedule Basic Phone Course
Engineer #1: I just lost that guy.
Engineer #2: Didn't you transfer him up front?
Engineer #1: He'll call back.
The phone rings.
Engineer #1 on phone: Hello? ...Uh, yeah, sorry about that...Here you go.
The phone rings.
9531 Rayne Road
Sturtevant, Wisconsin
2PM Department Meeting
Employee #1: ...but you don't have to listen to me. I'm not the boss or anything; I'm just the only one here who knows how to do anything.
Employee #2: And the difference is?
700 West Highland Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Call Building Maintenance
Assistant: If you want to see how dusty the floor is, just look at the heels on my shoes.
Project Manager: Oh, I thought you were telling me to look at your knees.
1100 West Anderson Court
Oak Creek, Wisconsin
5PM Preach It All Weekend, Brother
Project Engineer: If you expect me to do quality work I'm going to need a raise.
10 West Mifflin Street
Madison, Wisconsin
12PM Mail Invoices
Co-worker #1: So do they have offices in the Northern part of Texas?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, like up in that chimney portion of the state.
Co-worker #1: Oh. I'll show you a fire.
Co-worker #2: What?
611 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Check Email
Boss: He said he sent me an email via his BlackBerry. It must have ended up in some pigeon's stomach.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
9AM Back to Work
Boss: You know me, if I want to pick up my right foot I first step on my left foot so that I have a back-up to lift with.
Employee: I see you have a belt and suspenders.
Boss: Exactly.
510 Adams Street
Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin
10AM Update Database
Specialist: This guy's name is September...that can't be right.
Boss: Not in January, it isn't.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM Policy Meeting
Specialist: He thought it was "unfair" that we'd charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He's lucky he was talking to you. I'd have told him, "I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that's unfair."
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
10AM Non-Interrogation
Tech: Is this some sort of interrogation?
Supervisor: Ah...yeah...we're not cops, so, obviously not.
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
2PM New Intern Orientation
Supervisor: Isn't it just great how college kids today have such a mastery over electronics but not even the remotest grasp on the English language?
19555 West Bluemound Road
Waukesha, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Mike
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Guess what I had for lunch?
Employee #2: Judging from the shit-eating grin on your face I'll guess you tossed a salad.
9200 West Wisconsin Avenue
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
5PM Hell, Take All Weekend
Sales: [Diana] is freaking out. What should I tell her?
Consultant: Just tell her to chill.
Sales: Well, how long should I tell her to chill?
Consultant: Until the next episode.
2135 Rimrock Road
Madison, Wisconsin
10AM Call Evan to See If He's Checked In
Hotel Manager: Can we help you, ma'am?
Guest: My husband just got on the elevator without me, I can't believe that little shit/
Hotel Manager: Well, if we track him down we can send him your way.
Guest: If I can't keep track of him after 30 years you won't either.
9 East Wilson Street
Madison, Wisconsin
11AM Confirm Hotel for Conference
CSR: Okay sir, that's one, six, A as in apple, T as in ticket, nine, four, S as in snow, zero as in orange, thirteen.
1277 Deming Way
Madison, Wisconsin
10AM Check E-mail
Project Manager: I can only imagine what has been coming in my box...My email box.
1137 North 26th Street
Sheboygan, Wisconsion
Overheard by: Chris O'Brien
12PM Order 10 More "Gigabytes" (?)
Boss: Do you know where the gigabytes are? I need some more for my computer.
Employee #1: What are you talking about?
Boss: Are they in the closet?
He goes looking in the closet for about five minutes.
Boss: Seriously, do you know where more gigabytes are?
Employee #2: Maybe they're in your pants.
N59W14909 Bobolink Avenue
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: LeeAnn Michaud
12PM Conference Call
Co-worker #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-worker #2: Huh?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to discuss the proposal.
Co-worker #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-worker #1: Yeah.
Co-worker #2: Oh, well, no I don't, but I'm sure [Sarah] can show you.
W134 N8675 Executive Parkway
Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Dude
4PM I'm Done with This
Secretary: Oh, I thought that was [Jamie] coming in the elevator. It was you.
Boss: You must have really good ears if you could hear that.
141 South Willow Street
Eagle River, Wisconsin
2PM Update Legal Schedules
Speakerphone: ...but then they said my trial was rescheduled for December 3rd, and then the other day I got a notice that said it was for December 1st and I just wanted to tell [Leslie] that they're changing it.
Secretary: Um, okay, sorry, but the 3rd of December is a Saturday. Speakerphone: I'm not going to argue with you! I'm just telling you what they said!
Secretary: Um, ok.
3 South Pinckney Street
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: temp drone
4PM Out of Here!
Woman: It's about time to not come to work for a couple of days.
770 N. Water Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Paul
10AM Project Due
Underling: So when did you want this by, yesterday or an hour ago?
219 N. Milwaukee Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
6AM In That Student-Athletes Should Use Both Judiciously
Teacher: Coffee is like steroids, you know.
1600 Maryhill Drive
Green Bay, Wisconsin
