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Michigan All Categories > Places > United States > Midwest > Michigan
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1PM Um, All I Asked Was, "What's My Total?"
50-year-old woman cashier to customer: ... And then I had to chase them with my pants down, and I hadn't even gotten the chance to wipe yet!
17111 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!
Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!
Plymouth, Michigan
4PM Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Better?
Redhead peon: I think I'm getting a migraine.
Blonde peon: Well, like... At least your butt's not peeling!
44135 5 Mile Road
Plymouth, Michigan
10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
2PM Who Hasn't Felt That Way about Dr. Phil?
Cube monkey, looking at silly string: Aw, fuck it, let's just piss on him!
29305 Orchard Lake Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Ron
11AM ... Or the Government Wouldn't Put Mind-Control Chemicals in Our Water
Manager in motivational meeting: Just try brainwashing yourself sometime. There is nothing wrong with being brainwashed.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: the other admin
12PM Cathedral Bell Towers, Not So Much
Peon: Ever since I saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I've always had a fondness for gypsy women.
1250 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Daniel Gillies
5PM ... And Biting Hard
Project manager: People think I'm a liberal because I'm always going down on George Bush.
Detroit, Michigan
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
10AM I Promise Not to Hold Your Hand to the Waffle-Iron Again
Manager to petrified new waitress: Relax, dammit! I said to relax!
8511 Lilley Road
Canton, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
2PM But You're Certainly Correct about Her Gargantuan Gazongas
Male intern, about passing coworker: Wow... Those were some tremendous titties.
Female manager: Okay, so you know I'm your manager, right? You probably shouldn't say 'titties' to me.
Plymouth, Michigan
2PM But God, I Miss Sales!
Employee #1: It only stays smooth like a baby's bottom for about 12 hours.
Employee #2: Maybe... And you've got to lube it up pretty good.
1200 Woodward Heights
Ferndale, Michigan
11AM Not Physically Possible? Someone's Never Read the Bible
Office girl #1: Is it raining out?
Office girl #2: No way, it's sunny! Unless it a sun shower.
Office girl #1: A sun shower is not physically possible.
Office girl #2: Ummm, you've never seen it rain while the sun's out?
Office girl #1: Oh, I thought you meant literally, like giant balls of fire falling from the sky...
Michigan
Overheard by:
5PM The Red Menace Never Sleeps
20-ish female associate: Yeah, and you should see her hair! She dyed it red.
20-ish male associate: Really? How red? Like, Netflix-red?
20-ish female associate: No! Worse than that. Like Tandoori chicken-red!
Middle-aged male associate: Wait, wait, wait -- what on Earth are you two talking about? What ever happened to fire engine-red and candy apple-red? [Met with silent, blank stares, then waves his hand in disdain] Bah! You kids nowadays are all freaks!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
1PM We Work for Smithfield, for God's Sake!
Worker bee, discussing his 75-year-old uncle's brain injuries: I don't want him to be a vegetarian for the rest of his life!
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: worker bea
9AM When the Original Stanley Died, I Got His Name Tag
Customer: ... And before I go, can I get your name, Stanley*?
Stanley, the salesman: Um... Well, it's... Stanley.
Canton, Michigan
5PM Just to Bachelorette Parties
New assistant on phone: Hang on, I have to look up our address... Well, I've never had to mail myself to work.
Renaissance Center
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: JuJu
1PM Are You Immune to Postal Death Rays? We're Hiring!
Girl: One stamp please. [Crusty mail lady puts Christmas stamp on envelope.] Oh, ummm, does it need to be that one? [Crusty mail lady shoots death rays with eyes.] But they're Jewish! [More death rays.] But I'm asking them for a job! [Crusty mail lady rips off Christmas stamp and replaces with flower stamp.] Ummm...
Crusty mail lady: Fifty-one cents.
Post office
Michigan
Overheard by: Jen
1PM Which Is Why These New Retinal-Scan Pencils Will Really Catch On
Worker bee: The easier pencils are to find, the easier they are to steal.
Plymouth, Michigan
Overheard by: Tim
5PM Oh, I Try to Keep My Hand In
Photographer: Okay, I took pictures of the reigning Woody the Woodchuck and the two that are aiming to replace her when she retires. Can you tell the current one?
Designer, staring intently: This one?
Photographer: Wow, good job! You know your Woodys!
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beesley
1PM You're Not Doing It Right, Then
Male peon to another: Now I have to go and wash my butt, and that's no fun!
1176 Crooks Road
Troy, Michigan
2PM What about Hawaii?
Teacher-in-training #1: Did you know Alaska isn't an island?
Teacher-in-training #2: Um... Yes...
Teacher-in-training #1: Oh. 'Cause I just found out yesterday.
Lansing, Michigan
10AM The Drugs Help
Receptionist: I'm sorry ma'am, but that offer expired over a month ago -- we can't honor it.
Biotech: Oh, I'm sorry, but when you've got a real job, it's hard to get out sometimes.
Receptionist: Hmmm... Well, when you work two jobs and go to college full-time, sometimes it's hard to put up with idiots.
Rivertown Parkway
Grandville, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
3PM Thanks to Compressed-World Technology
Receptionist #1: I can't believe I'll be in England next week. I think we might drive to Australia, too -- they have better beaches.
Receptionist #2: Is that far?
Receptionist #1: No, I think it's a two-hour drive from here.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Not Even Kidding
1PM Didn't You Say That Would Result in Complete Proton Reversal?
Cube rat #1: You have the scissors, right?
Cube rat #2: Yeah...
Cube rat #1: Now cut the yellow wire...
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
11AM For Once, the Shittiest Thing in Our House Isn't The L Word
Software developer to web designer: Our toilets don't flush, so we don't need cable television anymore. This is not a metaphor.
5th Avenue
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Logic Impaired
1PM All We Asked Was, "How Was Your Weekend?"
Female worker: I'm serious, I don't like to put things in my mouth that might squirt out! I mean--
Stunned coworker, interrupting: --No, you've probably said enough.
Female worker: I'm talking about the doughnut.
121 Zeeb Road
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Their Business Model Is Predicated on It
Customer on phone: The plug won't fit!
IA rep: It's okay, sir. I just need to confirm that the first device plugged into our router is either a firewall or a computer.
Customer on phone: They... They just won't connect!
IA rep: We're looking for an Ethernet line. Is there an Ethernet line coming out of the router? Make sure not to plug or unplug anything. It will take down your voice, too.
Customer on phone: It's some telephone thingy... Oh, wait! This cord might work-- [click].
IA rep: We got another one.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
5PM I'm Deeply Ambivalent about the Constitution
Employee, about jury duty: I figure if they're in court, they're guilty of something, or why would they be there?
323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dunder Mifflin
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
9AM Is That Cheese?
Secretary: I've got a bad rash in between my boobs.
Coworker: Uh...
Secretary: See, it's really bad.
Coworker: Uh... [tries to look away but is too slow].
Secretary, smelling her fingers: It smells real bad, too.
Liberty and Division Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Violated
9AM She's Teething
Postal clerk: Is there anything fragile, liquid, perishable, or potentially hazardous in this?
Man: Nope, just condoms. Care package for my daughter.
Post office
Jenison, Michigan
Overheard by: On High Alert
3PM You're the Scaliest, Stinkiest Boss I've Ever Had
Executive assistant: I think I touch and smell just about everything.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Another Assistant
3PM Part of My Deal with the DA's Office
Secretary: What are they here for?
Boss: They are here to remove my organ.
Secretary: ... What?
Fort Street
Lincoln Park, Michigan
3PM Treebeard Calls an Entmoot to Resolve the Issue
Employee #1: So, should I make the hotel arrangements, or should you? Or should I, or what should we do?
Employee #2: Oh, I don't know... Maybe if I do it... Or you could do it, that would be fine.
Michigan
11AM Have to Wonder How She Got a Teaching Certificate
Assistant: I just talked to the stupidest woman ever. It was an honor. At first it was frustrating before I was overcome by the joy.
141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Heather
11AM But in a Way That Keeps Me Coming Back
Stall #1: ... And so last week I told him the next time he wants a booty call, don't call me!
Stall #2: So, like, did he call you again?
Stall #1: Yeah, and I went over there last night. He's such a jerk!
Office
Rochester, Michigan
Overheard by: pee quiet
10AM To Prevent Monkey-Deficiency Anemia
Cube dweller: I think you just need to eat more monkey...
731 Fairfield Court
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: it actually made sense at the time
11AM Something I Would Advise Against
20-something woman to 50-something man: I am not telling you what a Dirty Sanchez is. If you're so interested just Google it!
Oak Park, Michigan
1PM That's Stupid. Brontos Don't Use Tools
Female coworker hearing drilling from another part of the building: What is that noise?
Male coworker: A brontosaurus.
Female coworker: What?!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: She's... ah... tenacious
11AM But That's Public Service, Isn't It?
Legislative aide: I just wouldn't want to be in the middle of a threesome. You have to keep going in and out, in and out...
House of Representatives Seat Selection, Michigan State Capitol
Lansing, Michigan
12PM It Must Be Love
Physical therapist: ... So he drove all the way down here, and I didn't even get his clothes off. We've just been back there talking the whole time.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Which kind of therapy?
3PM At Least, That's What I Tell Him
Woman #1: Don't worry. If he stops, it will be fine.
Woman #2: Yeah, and if he doesn't stop, my husband is very fertile.
Carpenter Avenue
Kingsford, Michigan
Overheard by: Jami
11AM ... Sumo Wrestling on a Derailing Train
Designer: You shot the Rubik's Cube contest?
Photographer: Yeah. It was like watching fat, naked men greased up in butter sumo wrestling. You don't want to watch, but you can't look away.
Designer: ... You know, most people use the metaphor, 'It was like watching a train wreck,' but you took it to a really dark place.
323 E Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Dundie
4PM She Had to Get All Kinds of Shots, Actually
Coworker: My sister got bit once, and she needed to get a tetanus shot.
Receptionist: What kind of dog was it?
Coworker: No, it was a girl at Taco Bell.
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: What am I doing here
9AM It's Too Late to Save This Conversation
Straight guy #1: Are we actually watching the Ellen DeGeneres Show?
Straight guy #2: It's just on.
Straight guy #3: I think she's hot.
Straight guy #2: Ellen DeGeneres is hot?
Straight guy #3: Yeah.
Straight guy #2: I saw her in real life once.
Straight guy #3: Yeah, where?
Straight guy #2: I was in a lesbian disco in West Hollywood.
Straight guy #3: Wait, she's gay?
Straight guy #2: Ellen? Are you kidding?
Straight guy #3: Oh, I thought we were talking about Rachael Ray.
1260 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: little*bit
11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?
Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.
150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box
12PM The Proper Medical Term Is 'Gazinta'
Cheerleader: What's that muscle called? My 'gunna'?
Coach: What? Your gunna? What are you talking about?
Cheerleader, pointing to her groin: My gunna, it hurts.
Coach: You mean your groin?
Cheerleader: Yeah, my gunna hurts.
Coach: Jesus.
610 W 4th Street
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: and this is my future?
11AM I Get Hungry in There
Employee: What are you doing tonight?
Manager: I have to pick up a turkey and then get a CAT scan.
140 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan
12PM I Said, 'F-U'! And How Do You Spell His Name?
Data architect manager: And the new tables -- who's taking care of that?
DBA: Danny Phu*.
Data architect manager, making a note: Danny... F-U?
DBA: Excuse me?
1555 Lundy Parkway
Dearborn, Michigan
2PM Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would've come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn't so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
1PM Mom, I'd Like You to Meet My Girlfriend... Shaniqua
Mom: The neighbor found out you're gay.
Daughter: What did she say?
Mom: She doesn't care. Her son is gay and her daughter's dating a black guy.
Daughter: What does her daughter dating a black have to do with it?
Mom: Well, I would rather my daughter was a lesbian than date a black guy.
8741 W Saginaw Highway
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: barista
5PM I See Your Attempt at Humor, and I Refuse to Acknowledge It
Deskie #1: What's that smell? Sulfur? Rotten eggs?
Deskie #2: I have it figured out: It's Halloween, and all these girls are walking around with nothing covering areas which haven't been exposed in public since last Halloween.
Deskie #1: I don't get why that is relevant.
Front desk, Central Michigan University
Mount Pleasant, Michigan
Overheard by: Not A Deskie
9AM She's a Somnabuleater
Guy: I don't think you were passed out. He said you went down on him three times.
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Meister
12PM See Ya Later, Ed
Coworker: I'm leaving early, y'all. I ripped my pants, and I can't work with my vagina hanging out.
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Up against her for a promotion
2PM I Love the Law: The Smell of the Jury, the Sobbing of the Witness
Lawyer #1: So I finally got myself in front of a jury!
Lawyer #2: Really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah! It was a rape case.
Lawyer #2: That's fantastic! Well, for you anyway.
Allegan St
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: o rly?
10AM Viagra?
CSR waving papers around: How do you get the thingy to do the stuff?
323 E Grand River
Howell Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
1PM The Internet Has Somewhat Dampened Joshua's Sense of Wonder
Dude: What I really wanna see is a baby shot out of a cannon through a waterfall of gasoline, over a bundle of lit sparklers, and knock an old lady off a horse, 'cause then I could say I really saw something. [notices cleaning lady] Oh, shit.
Dearborn, Michigan
Overheard by: dude thats fucked up
3PM During an Office Fire, Some Employees Will Run Directly into the Flames
Coworker #1: Where are we supposed to meet for the tornado drill?
Coworker #2: Beth* said that we can just stay at our desks because we're already in the basement. She'll come around and do a head count.
Coworker #1: So we don't have to go outside, then?
Coworker #2: Um... no.
7000 Portage Road
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: Snark Monster
12PM If I'd Known It Would Just Be a Slobbering, I'd Have Done It Myself
Architect: Did you see the dog?
Intern: Yeah, he slobbered on my pant leg.
Architect: I sent you because I didn't want to get bit.
Square Lake Road
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Eero Plain
1PM Can't Wait 'Til He Puts on the Darth Vader Mask and Tells the Baby He's Her Father
Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I didn't know you were back from maternity leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yesterday.
Woman #1: I saw the pictures you emailed. She's adorable. I remember you were worried about labor. How'd it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, actually. Kind of what I expected. Although I punched my husband and threatened divorce during the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you serious? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my contractions were about two minutes apart, he got nervous and attempted to distract me. So he kept making that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those robot things made in Revenge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you're talking about. What a jerk! That's so funny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stomach and called him a bastard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were getting a divorce. Poor guy wouldn't even talk to the nurses after that.
777 Eisenhower Parkway
Ann Arbor, Michigan
4PM She Made the Same Mistake with Love in the 1960s
Technician: Ma'am, your Jaguar needs a new engine.
Jag owner: How can that be?
Technician: When's the last time you had the oil changed?
Jag owner: My salesperson Vinnie* told me the car was maintenance-free, and just bring it in when it needs service.
Technician: No, ma'am, it's not maintenance-free, it's free maintenance.
1815 Maplelawn Drive
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Vinyl Junkie
11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up
Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
11AM I Will Need Additional Information to Arrive at a Decision
Exec: I'll be right back, so don't lock me out.
Cleaning lady: If I knew who the hell you were, maybe I'd consider it.
Exec: I'm the reason you have a job.
725 East 40th Street
Holland, Michigan
Overheard by: INTERN
11AM People Talk About Chipmunks Only on Planets Without Atmospheres
Co-Worker #1: Weather is the great conversational equalizer.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: 'Cause every place has weather. And chipmunks. But nobody ever talks about chipmunks.
1593 Galbraith Avenue
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Playtah
4PM So How Far Is That From Maryland?
Woman: I want to send a money order.
Teller: Is it going out of state?
Woman: No. It's not.
Teller: Where are you sending it?
Woman: Chicago.
Teller: That's out of state.
Woman: It is?!
Bank
Southfield, Michigan
Overheard by: Next in line
1PM Her Withdrawal From Popular Culture Began in the Eighties and Was Complete by 1998
Younger girl: So the guy who played Kramer turned 57 this week. I had no idea he was that old!
Older woman: Kramer? You mean from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer?
Younger girl: Who? Um, no. Kramer. Kramer from Seinfeld.
Older woman: Who?
Younger woman: This is probably why we don't talk more, huh?
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
4PM And Susan Was Maimed. Isn't That Great?
Boss: I wouldn't even be able to kill myself right today. I'd screw it up.
Employee: If it makes you feel better I knocked myself unconscious this weekend.
Boss: Yeah, actually, it does.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
2PM All Hell Broke Loose When She Caught Him Reading the Jolly Rancher Label
Mom, to young child: That's just more junk. I'm not going to buy you something to write with. How 'bout I get you some candy instead?
Dollar store
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: it's not all like this
11AM Miss Anna Phylactic's Shocking Lunch
Young lady: Are there nuts in the apple walnut salad?
Dining companion, sarcastically: No, it's a new type of apple.
Young lady: Good, because I'm allergic to nuts, and I really want that salad.
Waiter: Do you want the half salad or the whole?
858 Tittabawassee Road
Saginaw, Michigan
Overheard by: Herodotus420
4PM He Just Found Out That Phone Calls Are Social Intercourse
Teen daughter: Daddy, Daddy, the pink Razr is on sale. Will you buy it for me now? You promised!
Father: No, I don't need you to get pregnant. Now let's go!
4350 Joslyn Road
Auburn Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: rahneej
4PM It's What You Had Before We Bought You the Web Cam
Tween girl: I wonder if these shorts will fit? I'm just going to try them on right here.
Girl's father: Why don't you go in a dressing room, honey? For God's sake, have some modesty.
Tween girl: What's modesty?
Moe's Sport Shop
711 North University
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: So, good weekend?
Coworker #2: I'm kinda beat. I was on my knees, hoeing all weekend.
Coworker #1: Ummm....Excuse me?
Coworker #2: Oh. That didn't come out right. Maybe I should've just said 'gardening.'
21500 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
3PM Customer Service
Bank teller: I was working drive-through this morning and offered a customer a bone for her dog in the back seat.
Associate: I think it's nice that we do that.
Bank teller: The customer said it wasn't a dog, it was her mother.
801 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
3PM Assigning Personnel
Account manager: Hey, [the customer] wants us to come in and make a presentation. Are you available to come with me next week?
Sales director: No. What I'm planning to do is to put together an entire project team -- sales, marketing, engineering, quality, manufacturing, maybe even finance. I want to show that we have a comprehensive cross-functional team in place, so that we look like we know what we're doing, no matter that the customer asks.
Account manager: That sounds great. Who else is gonna be on the team?
Sales director: Well, it looks like just me and you for now. Ask me again next month.
28100 Cabot Drive
Novi, Michigan
2PM Cover Shoot
Photographer: You can't just leave and not tell anyone. You guys left and no one was here to help.
First assistant: Look, I'm sick of you bitching at me about this petty bullshit. Don't talk to me unless you've got something important to say.
Second assistant: Mom and Dad are fighting again.
2616 Industrial Row Road
Troy, Michigan
5PM That's a Wrap
Funeral director: So, you know all the procedures now, right?
Secretary: Yes, I believe so, I just never had to go get the organ out for a service.
Funeral director: Well, you know where it's at, right?
Secretary: Yeah, so you just go in the back and pull it out and stick it in there, right?
2157 Oak Street
Wyandotte, Michigan
12PM Lunch
Male bank teller: I'm winning the Mega Millions tonight.
Female bank teller: I'm getting a brace for my leg.
Male teller: Screw that brace. When I win the Mega Millions we'll get you a new leg! We'll just cut that one off and I'll get you a prostate.
725 East Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Okay, I'm sending a trouble ticket up for investigation on that for you. Here's the ticket number in case you want to call and yell at us.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker on phone: When she goes to a restaurant, does she normally take it off?...Does she normally read the newspaper?...And the pouch, were you able to stick your hands all the way down in the back?
37383 Six Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next Door Nancy
3PM Smoke Break
Peon #1: Why is Laura gone already?
Peon #2: She had some medical stuff done today, I believe through the rectum, so she went home.
1441 West Long Lake Road
Troy, Michigan
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: No ma'am, I cannot get the part to you today. If I could beam myself to your house and deliver the part myself, I would. But since I can't, you will have to wait for overnight shipping.
553 Benson Road
Benton Harbor, Michigan
10AM Data Validation
Agent on phone: When did you die? While you were in the hospital?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
11AM Product Meeting
Sales #1: So what do they get in the three piece table, lamp and mirror set?
Sales #2: You're kidding, right?
Sales #1: No really, what do they get?
Sales #2: Idiot.
2500 South Rochester Road
Rochester Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Jenny Schneider
4PM Department Meeting
Area Manager: We will need to open an investigation into this and see what happened.
Superintendent: I'll tell you what happened: he fucked up!
Area Manager: Well, I didn't say it needed to be a long investigation.
128 Spring Street
Ypsilanti, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Doctor #1: I always say, "Carrots are like sandpaper for the colon."
Doctor #2: Yeah, see, most people I know just eat them.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
2PM Team Meeting
Employee: It's called toxic shock syndrome. We have to hurry and finish this meeting.
23133 Outer Drive
Allen Park, Michigan
4PM Update Resume
Co-worker #1: I have my big meeting tomorrow.
Co-worker #2: What meeting?
Co-worker #1: You know! The meeting where I'm going to stand up and say, "Fuck this! I quit!"
122 South Main Street
Ann Arbor, Michigan
4PM Mail Thank You Notes
Employee #1: I don't know what to write.
Employee #2: How about, "I'm surprised you cheap skanks chipped in ten bucks a piece"?
Employee #1: ...I was thinking more, "I am sure I will get a lot of use out of this."
327 West Michigan Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: Man, it's freezing outside.
Co-worker #2: My outside thermometer says it's 83 degrees.
Co-worker #3: Maybe it's in metrics or something.
1345 Monroe Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
1PM Lunch
IT #1: She's a nut.
IT #2: Most people are.
IT #1: What kinda nut do you think we are?
IT #2: Cashews because we're unique and expensive.
IT #1: I guess we could be macadamians.
IT #2: Those are fatty.
30830 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
4PM Hire New Intern
Intern: I've got to start looking for a job.
Secretary: Did you talk to your Placement Office about networking?
Intern: They sent me some contacts. But they were in the Pacific.
Secretary: Did you contact them?
Intern: I don't even speak Japan.
1010 Gratiot Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
2PM Call About Car
Old man: My car was stolen this morning. It's been a terrible day. I had my son come all the way out to drive me over to see you, because you're my agent.
Insurance Agent: What would you like me to do about it?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next-door Nancy
4PM Scan PC
Tech: Oh crap, I've been infected by Google.
30833 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Nurse: Is there a reason that there's a "no pregnant women" sign on that room? Because the patient in there is pregnant.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Maude Lynne
11AM Party Planning
Co-worker #1: Are you going to the Christmas party?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: Why not?
Co-worker #2: Because I am going to a funeral.
Co-Worker #1: I would rather go to a funeral than this Christmas party.
3001 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
10AM Weekly Meeting
Boss: I kind of misinformed my own self.
1200 Joe Hall Drive
Ypsilanti, Michigan
11AM Section Meeting
Supervisor: We have to use E. G.
Co-worker: "E. G."?
Supervisor: Yeah, engineering judgment.
20000 Rotunda Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
9AM Thanksgiving...Come Back...
Secretary: You can't do that!
VP: I'm like Bush. I answer to God.
Secretary: You answer to me!
VP: Isn't that what I just said?
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
11AM Drop Off Legal Files
Defendant: Judge, my probation officer says I was drinking. I told him I wasn't! I told him he could blow me.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
3PM Birthday Cake!
Boss: And happy birthday to [Chris]. Today is his birthday
[Chris]: My birthday isn't today, it's in May.
Boss: This [planner] thing is useless.
Employee #2: It's only as good as what you put into it.
111 South Michigan Avenue
Saginaw, Michigan
9AM Came In Early But I'm Staying Late
Manager: ...can you work a couple extra hours? [Nick]'s not coming in again.
Cook #1: Sure. Why ain't he coming in this time?
Manager: He's in the hospital.
Cook #2: Hospital? You can't get crack at a hospital.
Manager: Why does he keep going there, then?
33703 Woodward Avenue
Birmingham, Michigan
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: So this guy calls for [Kyle]...I give him the voice mail. I knew the next ring would be him...he calls back. "I'm trying to get ahold of [Kyle] and I keep getting an answer machine."...Gah!...That's what happens when we pay 10K for a phone
system so people get their messages. So then the prick is like, "So is he there or isn't he?" And so I'm like, "Yes sir, I realize
that you keep getting his voicemail. He is with a client, and all
messages go straight to our agents via voicemail." And he's like,
"Well, I don't want to leave a damn message, you tell [him and
his wife] they just lost out on a sale! I guess they're too busy
for me!" So then I'm all kiss-ass and like, "Well, I'm sorry sir, they are both with clients at the moment. We are a busy office. Would you like me to take a message?" And then he tells me, "No, just never mind and it's their loss." I hate stupid people.
Assistant: Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for
anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push
them down a flight of stairs.
M-28 East
Munising, Michigan
10AM IT Meeting
CIO on speaker: Time out guys, an animal just came into my
office...Cats aren't allowed in my office till after 5.
2 Industrial Park Drive
Williamston, Michigan
12PM Prep for Big Meeting
Secretary #1: It looks nice, don't it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, "it looks nice, don't it?"...Doesn't it! I'm just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don't matter, sweetie.
10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Abigail Fisher
4PM Pick Up Kids
Cheerleader: It sucks that Halloween is on a Monday this year.
Football player: Dude. I hate when they do that to me.
19501 Outer Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: Look at all that food you have there.
Employee #2: It's going to give me a heart attack, but I love it; especially all the greasy bacon and sausage.
Employee #3: I wish I knew someone who knows CPR in case you have a coronary.
Employee #2: [Sean] and [Gina] are medics, they should know CPR.
Employee #1: What do they know about CPR? They are ambulance drivers.
2727 Walker Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
1PM Lunch Break
Co-worker #1: I heard that the wood plant is going to take a floating holiday and shut down for opening day of hunting season.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, kind of like IT's unofficial holiday for opening day of Star Wars.
901 44th Street SE
Grand Rapids, Michigan
1PM Lunch
Intern: So yeah, the first twenty minutes I was just sitting next to him in the breakroom I didn't say a single word.
Engineer: Does he freak you out that much?
Intern: Well no, I just thought he didn't speak any English.
Engineer: So you finally said something?
Intern: Yeah, I tried to make some small talk by asking what cubicle he sits in. But he spent the next 5-10 minutes trying to explain.
Engineer: He's not that bad at English...
Intern: I don't know. He kept asking what direction was North. By the time I made him point to it, I wished I never said anything. Seriously, what do cardinal directions have to do with your cubicle?
41131 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
10AM A Stem Cell Smoothie Ought to Do the Trick
Supervisor: Here's the information about Alzheimer's to include in the news release I was telling you about.
Employee #1: I don't know anything about this release.
Supervisor: Oh? Oh no? Then who was I talking to about it?
Employee #2: Hey, it's ironic that you don't remember who you were talking to about the Alzheimer's information.
Supervisor: Oh, ha, ha, ha! Yes!...So, you can just use this information for the release.
Employee #1: Okay, but I still don't know what you're talking about.
Supervisor: Hmm...Hey, isn't it ironic that I don't remember who I was talking to about an Alzheimer's release?
161 Ottawa Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Beth Marie
12AM Milk is Always Better From the Tap
General Manager: Let's not forget that this week is World Breastfeeding Week.
34705 W 12 Mile Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Rebecca L Jones
12AM Balki's Almost Got the Idiom Down
CSR #1: We've had problems like this all day.
CSR #2: Yeah, there's something going on somewhere in Denmark.
28001 Napier Road
Wixom, Michigan
12AM Technically, He's for Affirmative Action
Manager: It's just that I don't want any of those old, white computers. The only good ones are black nowadays.
Engineer: That sounds pretty racist...
Manager: Well, I don't care.
41000 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
Overheard by: Stefan Bankowski
7AM So is He Bruce Springsteen or Tony Danza?
Speakerphone: So, we're filling out nametags for next week's meeting. What's Randy's title?
Receptionist: Well, he's The Boss.
Speakerphone: Okay, but what's his title?
Receptionist: "The Boss". He's The Boss.
Speakerphone: All right, he's your boss, but what's his title?
Receptionist: He's "The Boss"!
Speakerphone: Oh, well then...um, okay that's great. Thanks for your help.
35555 Garfield Road
Clinton Township, Michigan
Overheard by: Stephanie Saffold
7AM No, That's the IQ-Temperature Scale
Co-worker #1: Morning [Etienne].
Co-worker #2: Morning. It's going to be hot today, it's already 80 degrees out there.
Co-worker #1: My weather station said it was -15 degrees.
Co-worker #2: What is that, in celsius or something?
1345 Monroe Avenue NW
Grand Rapids, Michigan
7AM Why God Invented Admins
Co-worker: You know, it's pretty hard to kiss your own ass...
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
6AM Kevin Likes to Get a Grip on Big Issues
VP: You'll have to get a group together and have a good look at his package. Get Kevin involved if possible.
21651 Melrose Avenue
Southfield, Michigan
12AM I Have the List Right Here
Distracted doctor: What did you say you inserted into her vagina?
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
12AM Check to See If That Twenty was Rolled
Editor: Oh, get me a cinnamon roll too. Here's a twenty.
Reporter: A twenty? The only people that have money in the middle of the week are drug dealers.
169 West Nepessing Street
Lapeer, Michigan
12AM How About Thinking? If You Haven't Done It, It's New to You
Blonde: I was thinking, this is totally the time to invent something new and make a ton of money...my problem is that I can't think of anything new.
2424 Burton Street
Grand Rapids, Michigan
12PM "Talk Dirty to Me" Said Her Boss
Secretary on phone: I don't feel well...I don't have to poop...I'm not going to throw up either.
3900 Bay City Road
Midland, Michigan
8AM Customer Service Calls with Happy Endings
CSR: No, Courtney is with a customer right now. Can I take a message?...Oh, Courtney just hollered and she's off the customer now.
106 West Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan
12AM Overheard HR Violations
Program Manager: Dude! You know that one tech writer, that one chick?
Engineer: Yeah, the older one? She's a nice person.
Program Manager: Yeah, I know. Man, sometimes she gets like this massive camel-toe.
Engineer: Dude, you need whisper those kinds of things.
Program Manager: But man, you could measure it in inches! Oh shit, here she comes.
She walks by. The Program Manager follows her, turns around seconds later and gives the split finger sign.
41311 Vincenti Court
Novi, Michigan
4PM That's Really Up to Her
Lady: ...and I told [Jeff] that I had really expected at least six inches last night.
1600 Oakley Park Road
Walled Lake, Michigan
8AM How Quickly This Submission Went from Droll to Chilling
Teacher: ...yeah, they outnumber us thirty to one and we're not allowed to carry stun guns.
6307 Orchard Beach Road
Cheboygan, Michigan
8AM There's One--or Seven--in Every Office
There is this guy a few cubicles over from me. I do not know what he does, but he is always on the phone. I've actually started keeping a spreadsheet of some of the things I've overheard him say. Some of the best: You can ask yourself that question all day long, but I'm not going to waste any more of my time helping you figure it out.
You don't have to think for me, I will do the thinking for you.
You work in IT and I work in marketing, so don't tell me!
Give me your thirty second soapbox spiel and when you are done maybe we can get down to business and get this figured out.
1411 Kingsbury Drive
Portage, Michigan
