Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Kansas All Categories > Places > United States > Midwest > Kansas
Recent | Best Of
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
9AM Though Not Quite Up to Golden Girl Standards
Boss: Man, there were some fine cougars in there! I mean, this one woman -- she had gray hair, but she was, like, hot! I mean, like Falcon Crest-hot!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
10AM ... And Embellishing It
Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!
Kansas
4PM You Get Used to Double-Entry Is the Best I Can Say
Receptionist: You can do that while you're sleeping?!
Accounting girl: Well, yeah.
Receptionist: ... Does it feel good?
Accounting girl: [Shrugs.]
Hutchinson, Kansas
Overheard by: The Temp
4PM Vicodin Is the Shizzle
Nurse: Thanks for taking out the trash. I've been a nurse for so long I don't have a sense of smell anymore. You could roll in roadkill and I wouldn't notice.
15001 Quivira Road
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Naomi
2PM How Often Is That Necessary?
Boss: Me and my wife would drive a hundred miles for a jar of good pickles!
10749 West 84th Terrace
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: PeaveyMan
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
1PM The Joke's On You -- Those Are Decoy Pop-Tarts
Worker leaving office to coworker on phone: Hurry up or I'm going to poke your Pop-Tarts.
5th and Jackson
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: D
3PM Dr., Have You Noticed That the Men in This Ward Have Seizures Every Weekday Afternoon?
Old man worker #1, across the room: Is the softball team jumping around again?
Old man worker #2, looking out the window: No, they're running now.
Old man worker #1: That's just as good.
College Boulevard
Overland Park, Kansas
12PM Actually, That May Be Just What Eyeore Needs
Sales guy: That guy wouldn't be in a good mood even if you woke him up with porn and ice cream.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
12PM Never Worked in an Office Before? You've Got a Lot Coming to You
Cube dweller #1: Oh, and I love it when my husband takes his shirt off at night, because then I can pop his back pimples. He hates it when I do that, but I just love it!
Cube dweller #2 and recent hire: [Horrified silence.]
Cube dweller #1: Yeah, and last night I was real disappointed, because I was working on a blackhead and it turned out to be a mole.
Cube dweller #3: [Flees cube.]
Medical center
Pittsburg, Kansas
2PM Sorry, It Was Damaged in Transit
FedEx man: There are a lot of you women hanging around the front desk today.
Vet tech: We're all just waiting to fight over your package.
99th Street and Leavenworth Road
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Christina
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
4PM An International Passport Breakfast, Please
Waitress: How are you doing today, sir?
Man: I'm on work release.
Waitress, suddenly nervous: Oh... okay. I'll be right back.
Pancake house
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: Rachel
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM Newton's Last Law
Office peon: No matter how many pairs of underwear you have, if you don't do your laundry, eventually you will run out.
501 Jackson Street
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Laughing at everyone
1PM Thank God for Instant Replay
Coworker: I can't remember if he used two fingers or three...
Metcalf Avenue
Overland Park, Kansas
10AM What's Wrong with Your Tact?
Nurse #1: Oh my god, what's wrong with your face?!
Nurse #2: Um... Nothing.
Nurse #1: ... Oh.
Kansas
Overheard by: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits
Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
9AM Or I Could Just Steal One from the Shopping Center
Coworker #1: Artificial insemination?
Coworker #2: That way I could have a kid without whoring myself around as much.
Kansas
3PM But That Doughnut Looked So Good!
Nurse walks out to designated smoking area as her pager goes off.
Nurse, shaking her head in disgust: 'Emergency!' Of course. Why these people gotta be goin' into diabetic shock when I wanna go outside? [Sits down to smoke cigarette.]
1031 SW Fleming Court
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: Jonna
11AM The Bridges of Heisenberg County
Boss: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we cross it.
Assistant: I would certainly hope so.
Boss: What?
Assistant: Nothing.
Kansas
11AM Hey, What Happens in the Louisiana Purchase Stays in the Louisiana Purchase
Coworker #1 looking at a nickel: What the heck is this?
Coworker #2: It's about the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Coworker #1: Didn't they eat each other?
Wichita, Kansas
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
2PM Her Oonication Skills Need Work
Associate: Hey, can you come look at my pooter?
Manager: Your what?
Associate: What? ... What? Come on, my computer!
Mass Street
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: tara
4PM Oh, Who Am I Kidding? We Are Absolutely Going Back There
Coworker: Well, then we've got something to do next week. But we're not going back to that place. It was nasty. My van smells like a hooker died in it.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM You Know That Rumor That Iron Filings Are Better Than Cocaine?
Man on cell: What made you stick a magnet up your nose?
5th & Jackson Streets
Topeka, Kansas
1PM I Thought You'd Never Ask!
Salesman: And then you're cruising for a bruising.
Sales manager: How old are you?
Salesman: What?
Sales manager: "Cruising for a bruising"? My grandma said that!
Salesman: How about "truckin' for a fuckin'"?
Sales manager: OK.
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM The Quality-Control Spies Never Catch Anyone with This Question
Customer: Do you sell cards?
Hallmark employee: Yes. Yes, we do.
The Hallmark Store
Manhattan, Kansas
Overheard by: Fellow Hallmark Employee
5PM After Successfully Outlawing Science, Kansas Gets Right to Work on Math
Topeka City Council Member: I thought we just voted that down unanimously, with the exception of one or two votes.
Capitol grounds
Topeka, Kansas
Overheard by: wscnsngl
3PM Well, It's Like I Always Say: Children Come First
Male bank president: My daughter's gonna letter in high school track this year.
Female vice president: Oh?
Male bank president: Yeah, she's a runner. All year I've been taking her out on country roads to let her spread her legs.
Female vice president, under her breath: Putz!
1105 Vargas Street
Atwood, Kansas
9AM Back to Work
CSR: Where the fuck are my pants?
102 W. Washington
Colby, Kansas
3PM Ordering Supplies
Secretary: My pencil drawer is broken. It needs a new twisty nail.
Boss: Twisty nail?
Secretary: Yeah, you know, with the X-groove on top.
Boss: You mean a Phillips-head screw?
Secretary: Whatever.
118 East Whittier
St. Francis, Kansas
12PM Update Personnel Files
Manager #1: Are you sure you don't need anything more? We've got the extra money to spend.
Manager #2: Haven't you heard? I'm cheap and easy. It doesn't take much to please me.
Peon: That's what I read on the intranet last week.
5442 Martway Street
Mission, Kansas
Overheard by: Office Gnome
4PM Seal Windows
Assistant: Oh my god, your caulk is dripping!
5001 East Harry Street
Wichita, Kansas
4PM Find New Temp
Co-worker #1: I can't believe that they fired that temp.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, he wasn't working very hard and he was goofing off.
Co-worker #1: That's not very fair. By the way, do you have the new football pool sheet? I lost mine.
4950 College Boulevard
Leawood, Kansas
Overheard by: Ron Zinn
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker #1: So, I think I have decided to give up caffeine. But I can't decide if I should give up liquid caffeine, or sugar caffeine.
Co-worker #2: You should give up the liquid kind.
Co-worker #1: Does that mean I have to give up my coffee in the mornings?
Co-worker #2: Naw, just cut back on the amount of pop you drink.
6700 Antioch Road
Overland Park, Kansas
11AM Demographics Analysis
Co-worker #1: "Urban" doesn't mean "black."
Co-worker #2: Yes it does.
9111 East Douglas Avenue
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Nate
11AM Update Data
Co-worker: He's either "dead" or "passed away."
9111 East Douglas Avenue
Wichita, Kansas
Overheard by: Nate
2PM Fill Out Questionnaire
Woman: I hate working here. It makes me want to throw my morals out the window, and become a slut.
Co-worker: A slut...There's an image for you.
Woman: I don't mean I want to be a slut. I just want to know what all these people are like in bed. No one small, of course.
Co-worker: So you'll be handing out a questionnaire?
56 59 Junction
Baldwin City, Kansas
2PM Those Candlemakers Are Really Out of Ideas
Boss: Whoever thought shit and cinnamon smelled good together?
634 126th Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
