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5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
2PM Aren't You Worried about Flooding?
Job interviewer: So, when exactly are you moving here?
Job interviewee: As soon as we find a place to live. We're looking for an apartment or a condom.
602 West University Avenue
Urbana, Illinois
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
11AM Much of What We Learn about Our Colleagues Should Be Forgotten
Developer: Oh, man... I got caught in the wave of girl-fart... It smelled like a mixture of diarrhea poopie and menstrual cycle!
State and Water Streets
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: only girl in an office of men...
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
10AM He Asked What I Thought of Our New Mission Statement
Analyst #1: I pooped next to the CEO today.
Analyst #2: Like, in his office?
1 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
4PM Sounds Peachy, Ed.
Office manager: I wonder if I should bleach my snatch.
3301 Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: broodingsoul
10AM It's All the Asparagus I Eat
Cube rat #1: You want a squirt of this stuff?
Cube rat #2: Sure, I'd like a squirt of your stuff.
Cube rat #1: I just love the ways this stuff smells.
Cube rat #2: And it feels great, also!
Slokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
4PM Out of What?
Junior art director: I have 44 minutes to make a baby.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wha?
1PM If You Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life.
Phone support girl: You see where it says 'Title' at the top? Just fill that in.
Client on other line: What do you mean 'title'?
Phone support girl: You know... Like president, accounts receivable or payable... Whatever your title in your office is.
Client on other line: Can't I just put biotch?
Phone support girl: ... I guess if you wanted to...
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Your Grandma Always Was a Character
Policewoman: Right. So then I had to search her, and I found a crack pipe shoved somewhere that a crack pipe should never be shoved. So I entered it in the log, and then I threw it into the garbage. Then she said, 'No, you can't throw it out. That's my best one! I'll never get another one like it!'
Mother: Oh my god, honey, how nasty! I don't like you working in situations like this.
Policewoman: Well, but my point is this: of course she'll get it back. Soon as I release her, she'll just go digging in the trash and find it, and shove it right back where I found it.
Belmont Avenue and Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM I Think We Made That Abundantly Clear Today
Sales rep, returning from a meeting: Just because we have brains does not mean we're smart!
State Street
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: Summer Intern
3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations
Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Brett C
1PM And Send Off a Whole Bunch of Crap
Secretary: I gotta shit... I mean, I gotta check my e-mail.
900 N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: say what?
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM And Certainly Not to France
Lady peon #1: Chipotle's burritos are, like, so good!
Lady peon #2: Yeah, I know. Carol*, have you ever had one?
Carol: Uh, I've never been out of the country...
5813 South Kenwood Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wow
11AM You Can Take Recycling Too Far
Office grunt: His lunch smells like he took a shit on a plate and microwaved it.
265 North Western Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Melissa B.
12PM Since We Belt-Sanded Her
Creepster coworker: That leather is soft, like your mother's skin.
Brush College Road
Decatur, Illinois
Overheard by: My mother's softer than leather
12PM They Don't Look Too Good, Either
60-ish suit in Cubs jacket on cell: I'm on the bus right now. I'm going to the Cubs game. Well, I just left Dad, and I gotta say, it doesn't look too good. They're feeding him through a stomach tube and they've got him on a drip. You know, he had that quadruple bypass a couple of years ago and he's got diabetes now... He's been unconscious most of the time when I visit him, and... Yeah, well, don't wish me good luck. The Cubbies are the ones who need it!
Clarke Street bus
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: priorities schmiorities
10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen
Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cubicle across the hall
2PM I'll Shave This Beard, Put on a Nice Dress and Get on the Bus
Coworker to self: I can't perpetuate this freak show.
West Superior Street
Chicago, Illinois
5PM He Used to Say "Sausage," but That Led to Trouble
Conductor: Tickets, please... Or in lieu of tickets, breakfast sandwiches will be accepted.
Chicago-bound commuter train
Overheard by: Pirate Alice
3PM And He Brings Death to His Enemies
Student: Voldemort is like Bill Fates. He's good at marketing, but he didn't actually come up with Windows.
33 East Congress
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Stubby Boardman
12PM I Knew Letting Dennis Quaid Pilot a Ship inside My Body Was a Poor Idea
Cube dweller: Ow, my pancreas!
30 North La Salle Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM But Don't You Need to Know My Lineage?
Caller: Yes, I would like to confirm my reservation for tonight. My surname is Tango Anglo-Saxon, Newfoundland--
Receptionist: Um, sir, you lost me at 'Tango.' Can I just have the first three letters of your last name?
Kinzie and State Streets
Chicago, Illinois
4PM 9999: "Other"
Grunt #1 on phone: They said that I was down there for one of two reasons -- to buy drugs or find a prostitute.
Grunt #2, after #1 hangs up: I don't want to know. As long as it was billable...
Grunt #1: What's the task code for hiring a prostitute?
180 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: in tears
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
4PM I-W-I-S-H-I-C-O-U-L-D-F-I-R-E-Y-O-U
Boss: Hey, how do you spell 'Japanese'? [Peon spells it.] Hmmm, do you think she was Japanese? How do you spell 'Chinese'? [Peon spells it.] I don't know if she was Chinese, though... Here's what we'll do -- [begins typing letter] 'The child speaks Asian...' Wait, how do you spell 'Asian'?
1000 West Central Road
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Overheard by: I work here?
12PM She's the Most Dedicated Veterinarian We Know
Office girl #1: I wonder where's Karen's* been.
Office girl #2: The bitch convention.
Office girl #1: She's probably the keynote speaker.
Jackson Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: another karen* hater
3PM With Mashed Potato Pus!
Peon #1: So, how's that burn on your arm?
Peon #2: It kind of looks like prime rib.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
3PM You Dare Find My Motivational Slogans Laughable?
Boss: There's no 'I' in 'unity'! Wait... There's no 'me' in 'team'!
Employees: [Laughter.]
300 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
3PM But We're Going Out for Dinner Later
Male coworker: You missed it! Devon* and I just had a staring contest in which we tried to figure out the color of each other's eyes.
Female coworker: So, what was the verdict?
Male coworker: That it was too creepy, so we stopped.
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
5PM If They Provided Lunch, They Wouldn't Have to Pay Us at All
Cube dweller #1, at weekly company breakfast: Oooh, breakfast. I forgot today was breakfast day.
Cube dweller #2: They sure do know how to buy us off. They could take away our chairs and there would only be a minor grumbling, but if they took away our breakfast... Like, 'Yeah, we're gonna be a standing agency now.' 'Yeah, that's cool. Just don't mess with my breakfast.'
233 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock
Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.
250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois
Overheard by: zundian
2PM You! Write This Down!
Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM I Once Was Lost, but Now Am TBD
24-year-old hotel suit: Excuse me, sir, can I help you find something?
Meeting attendee, wandering around: Yes! Where is room TBD?!
Fancy hotel
Rosemont, Illinois
Overheard by: Jaw dropping in disbelief
2PM If It's Not Coming, We Need to Know
Suit: We need that information RSVP.
Minion: Uh, ASAP?
Suit: I don't think so.
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Joe
1PM And Still Had Time to Paint My Apartment
Manager: So, how was your weekend?
Intern: Good. I cheated on my boyfriend with two guys.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
5PM What Gall He Has
Office manager in transplant center, slamming down phone: How dare he call me about heart when I have liver all over my desk?!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
9AM I Shall Call Them "One" and "Two"
Cube dweller: I'm having two feelings in one day, which is unheard of.
1301 Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cbn
5PM I Will Cease Moving My Mouth and Release This Button Now
Employee over intercom: Stan*, please come to the office for food consumption.
Drug store
Wood River, Illinois
11AM Gotta Unpack the Suitcase or Your Clothes Get Musty
Hot intern #1: You know why I love wearing miniskirts on Mondays?
Hot intern #2: Maybe. Why?
Hot intern #1: Because I can air things out after a weekend of hard work.
Hot intern #2: Oh, hey, I wonder if that would work for me...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting any
12PM Where Peek Freans Come From
Cube monkey: My brain is unlike that of any mortal! It consists of witchcraft, spells, and ideas for pastries that the world has yet to see!
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
11AM Built-in Redundancies
Professor: I remember that wonderful object my mother used to stick in me. [Class is silent for a moment, then hysterical.] The thermometer! One up top and one in [motions to his ass]!
Aurora, Illinois
2PM My Way of Getting to Third Base
Coworker #1: Snogging is heavily kissing... Not getting to third base.
Coworker #2: Oh. I thought snogging was a kind of drink.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle
1PM She Just Can't Drive for the Hoop Now That She's Pregnant
Sensitive soul: She's gotten heavier, so now I can beat her.
Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
2PM Honey, I'll Be Late Tonight -- Marketing the Firm Again
Owner: What kinds of social situations can you use to help market our firm?
Peon #1: I meet lots of guys at the bars and give them my cards -- especially those in the construction fields.
Peon #2, as others laugh: He didn't ask how you picked up men.
Peon #3: Is that why we never get any new projects?
Lincolnshire, Illinois
Overheard by: glad it wasn't me
2PM Kirstie Alley? Definitely Drunk Right Now
Lady #1: ... But he's drunk all the time.
Lady #2: Everyone's drunk all the time. I might be drunk right now!
8140 Lehigh Avenue
Morton Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Amanda
4PM We Look Forward to Serving You, Governor Schwarzenegger
Hotel guest: I started taking that Trimspa about a month ago. I haven't lost any weight, but my chest is huge!
State and Division Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara G
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM MacGyver: After Hours
Supervisor: Well, if that's the case, all I need is a panda, a gun, and a bottle of wine.
Naperville, Illinois
12PM Just When I Learned to Tell Time, Too
Bimbette: I hate that I have to memorize a new date everyday.
Monroe and LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
9AM That's Too Hard -- I'm Just Gonna Buy My Own
Photo coordinator looking for staples: Why are there paper clips in this box?
Photo editor: What?
Photo coordinator: See -- it says 'staples,' but there are paper clips in here.
Photo editor: Dude, it's from Staples. You need the box that says 'staples' twice.
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
2PM I Meant the Toaster with the Smiley Face on It
Engineer #1: I'm going to head back to where I've been working. Nobody knows where it is. I call it my happy place.
Engineer #2: Take a muffin!
Engineer #1: Nice! I just want half, though.
Engineer #2: Don't take half! Take the whole thing. [To Engineer #3] Stick the rest of that muffin in your happy place.
Engineer #3: That's disgusting.
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nic
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
3PM Because If So, Yes
Office drone #1: Have you ever been to Chinatown for dim sum?
Office drone #2: Is that a drug?
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Just People with Bad Hair Making Fun of People with Good Hair
Foreign coworker: What does it mean, 'nappy-headed hos'?
333 Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM So Doing It to Jews Is Okay?
Man reading aloud from newspaper: North Carolina law describes malicious castration as cutting off, maiming or disfiguring a person's gentiles...
725 West Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: Gentile Intactus
3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?
Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?
330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM I Got Bored of Throwing Pencils Up There
Wifey on phone: Why didn't you answer your cell phone?
Office peon: I can't answer my cell phone! It's in the ceiling!
Wifey: What do you mean, 'it's in the ceiling'?
Office peon: Exactly what you fucking think I mean! It's in the fucking ceiling!
5900 Howard Street
Skokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
3PM Boss: And Take Some Work with You!
Cube rat #1: Hey, does it smell like poop over here?
Cube rat #2: What?
Cube rat #1: I farted -- it smells bad over here.
Cube rat #2: That's so gross, dude!
Cube rat #1: I have too much work to do! I don't have time to go to the bathroom!
Cube rat #2: Go to the bathroom!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
1PM I'd Give Anything to Be As Miserable As You
Broker #1: I'm getting a divorce.
Broker #2: No way, man. You're lying.
Broker #1, sadly: I wouldn't lie about that.
Broker #2: Oh, now, you're just saying that to make me jealous.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Lest My Hostile Work Environment Leak Out
Sleazy office manager: She's got it going on! I'd fuck the shit out of her in a heartbeat! Oops, I should probably close the door.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Groucho Marx: How the Elephant Got Me Out of My Pajamas I'll Never Know
Marketing manager justifying event expenses: It costs a lot for a naked elephant ride these days. Not like it used to be.
980 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM This Cubicle Is Greased and Ready to Kick Ass
Coworker: I've got more Vaseline than a porn star could use in a year.
330 North Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Warning: Attempted Responsibility Transfer in Progress!
Grunt #1: So, this report is wrong.
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: I see what I did wrong.
Grunt #2: Good!
Grunt #1: Do you know why I filled this out incorrectly?
Grunt #2: Uhhh...
North Side
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Diana_C
12PM What Happens When You Add Silicone to Your Diet
Employee #1: So, I've been taking them for about a month now.
Employee #2: Yeah?
Employee #1: I don't feel bigger. Definitely... rounder... and harder, but not bigger.
Elk Grove, Illinois
Overheard by: Nick Danger
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar
5PM Well, Except for Everybody Else
Kid: You know, if Europe and the US teamed together the entire world could be white.
675 27th Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM And Flicking Them at Another Toddler
Photo person cleaning out pump nozzle of green hand sanitizer: This is just like picking boogers out of a toddler!
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
5PM I Just Want Permission, I Don't Care Whose
Blonde on cell: Yeah, well, I didn't think I could either 'cause I was on those antibiotics, but he said I could, so that's cool.
Elevator, large insurance company
Bloomington, Illinois
Overheard by: even that was too much information for me
10AM Six Years of Marriage Only Earns You So Much Trust
Lady: Hey, Derek*, will you let me paint your toenails?
Man: Will you give me a blowjob?
Lady: ... Sure.
Man: Do the blowjob first.
3301 North Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: what office is this?
11AM They're Having Their Annual Gala Next Door
Office liar: The Navy hires very conservative people to captain nuclear submarines.
Male coworker: Really?
Office liar: Yeah, every nuclear submarine captain I've ever met has been very level-headed.
Female coworker: How many nuclear submarine captains have you met?
Office liar: Hundreds!
West Loop
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Please Don't Feel You Have to Share Further Details
Coworker: I used to have a bunch of little beanbag Kermit dolls that got progressively blinder because I used to rub them against my chin and wear down the marble eyes.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle Nightingale
2PM Because We Don't Know What Can't Be Done
Boss: We're trying to fit a round square into a peg hole.
53 West Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mark
4PM They Revoked His Geek Credentials That Same Day
Office worker: I can't get into MAS. My codes aren't working.
Tech, after trying to enter codes: What the fuck? Now the numbers aren't even coming up.
Office worker, five minutes later: Uh, dude, you're using my calculator.
Tech: Son of a bitch!
Illinois
Overheard by: G$
2PM Hers and Her Husband's
Waitress #1: My sister is in the hospital because she just had her second liver transplant.
Waitress #2: Oh my god! Both of them?!
Waitress #1: Both of whats?
Waitress #2: Both of her livers?!
Waitress #1, turning to manager guy: Do you want to tell her, or should I?
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Thank God I'm Me
9AM A Low Blow
Swedish employee: You're responsible for all the wars in the world.
Jewish employee: Well, you're responsible for... Abba.
Diehl Road
Naperville, Illinois
Overheard by: not getting sent to HR
3PM Let Me Get Some of That Ginkgo, Too
Middle-aged customer: Give me two packs of them Basic cigarettes.
Sales clerk rings up cigarettes and register beeps: It wants me to check your ID.
Middle-aged customer: I don't have no ID.
Sales clerk: How old are you?
Middle-aged customer: Uh. Um. 40... 50... 50-something.
Sales clerk: Okay, $9.75.
Walgreens, 5650 West Belmont Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Travel Agent: You Would Not Believe What I Am Soaking This Chick For
Fat nurse: I'm real excited! I'm going to the Mexican Riviera next month.
Lanky nurse: Uh, isn't it called the French Riviera?
Fat nurse: No, I think it's Mexican, but you could be right -- that sounds familiar.
Lanky nurse: I've always wanted to see the French Riviera.
Fat nurse: Yeah, me too. I can't wait.
1st Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: dr mike
12PM Stop Making It Out of Intestines
Coworker: What's it gonna take to get you to eat this sausage?
Merchandise Mart
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Retard Sandwiches? So '80s
Frustrated clerk to group of traders: Did you guys have retard sandwiches for lunch or something?
Smart-ass in back: I had a burrito.
Trading Desk
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Walking by...
1PM Fun for Us, Hostile Work Environment for Her
Laughing boss: Look, you guys, you can't be talking about anal sex -- we've had some complaints.
Server #1, laughing: I knew it! I knew she would tell on us. I told you Deb* was out to get us!
Server #2: Sooo, just when she's not around, or at all?
Laughing boss: I can't believe I have to say this...
Dining room, upscale retirement center
Bloomington, Illinois
1PM He's Got a Business Model on the Tip of His Tongue
Student #1: I had a real question! I really wanted to know the answer, and he acted like it was a joke.
Student #2: So. what was the question?
Student #1: How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?
Student #2: ... What, there's no punch line?
Student #1: That's what my teacher asked, but I really want to know the answer -- it's a valid question!
Student #2: Well, I'll ask my uncle next time I see him.
Elevator, Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Don't Bring Me Solutions, Bring Me Problems!
Woman #1: I hate living alone.
Woman #2: I love living alone.
Woman #1: It sucks going home to nobody, having nobody to talk to -- it just sucks.
Woman #2: You want to live together?
Woman #1: No!
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
5PM The Code Remains Unbroken
Dumb girl: Why do they call it 'Chicken Cordon Bleu'?
Dumb guy: Uh, duh! Cor-don-bleu... It means 'ham-and-cheese'!
Rockford, Illinois
12PM That Still Doesn't Explain the Grill
Worker #1: German Shepherds used to terrorize the Congolese when the British were colonizing. That's one of the reasons that the Congolese didn't like George Foreman when he fought there.
Worker #2: Oh, I thought you were going to say that is why black people don't like dogs.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
3PM And That Conversation Got Me to Turn My Life Around
Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Democracy Isn't the Answer to Everything
Teacher: What's one-fifth of 15?
Class, in unison: Five!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: High school student, appalled
10AM Actually, He Just Likes to Look at Himself in the Reflection
Coworker #1: Yeah, my DVD won't record my VHS tapes over to disks. I was messing with it all night.
Coworker #2: Well, DVD players sometimes have different formats -- maybe you just didn't get the right format.
Coworker #1: Here are the disks I was using. Are these the right format for my DVD recorder?
Coworker #2: These are CDs. Where did you get these from?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: You need to get DVD disks, these are for music.
Coworker #1: I just want to put my VHS tapes on DVDs, and it's not working.
Coworker #2: You bought CDs, you need to go and buy DVDs to do that.
Coworker #1: I've been working on this for the past two days.
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Today We've Replaced Sally's Network TV with HBO. Let's See What Happens.
Bubbly girl: You know what's a funny word? 'Fucker...' And 'bitches.'
Oak Lawn
Cook County, Illinois
Overheard by: erin
10AM The Must-Have Accessory for People Who Are Full of It
Woman to young girl: Oh, I got some news that will make you so jealous! I have two colons!
87th Avenue and Roberts Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: sarah
3PM The Kind God Hates
Boss: Wait, what's 'fornication'? I don't know that word. Is it like fighting?
Coworker: Uh, no. It's like sex.
Roselle, Illinois
Overheard by: my vocabulary is better than yours
11AM It's the Usual Story, Really...
Security guard #1: ... So then she got arrested again.
Security guard #2: Oh, what's that now?
Security guard #1: Yeah, she got arrested for stealing chickens.
333 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Krazy Karl
10AM I Want to Know Why I Called You
Manager: Excuse me, sir, do you have me on speakerphone?
Guy: No, you have me on speakerphone!
Manager: Oh, look at that. Sorry, this is a bad connection -- are you on a cell phone?
Guy: Yes, you called my cell phone.
Manager: Oh, right. Do you have a desk phone I can call?
Guy: No, you called my cell because I am not in the office. Now, what do you want?!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Is He Serious?
5PM The Silver Lining
Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here
4PM Unfortunately, Someone Else Gave Janie a Gun
Dad's friend: So, your daughter turns 34 tomorrow?
Dad: Yeah, I sent her a card.
Dad's friend: What does it say?
Dad: 'Happy Birthday, Sweetie. You've finally grown into your bra size.'
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Despite What You May Have Heard
Thrift store connoisseur: Well, I don't like underwear with stains anyway...
19043 Wentworth Avenue
Lansing, Illinois
Overheard by: Rusti
10AM And Not Salma Hayek, You Know What I Mean?
Worker: I need to go home and brush my teeth. My mouth tastes like Mexican people.
401 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
3PM I'll Be Anything If It'll Get Me Laid
Employee #1: Is anyone here a feminist?
Employee #2: What's that?
Employee #1: So, that would be a no...
1301 Central Avenue
Evanston, Illinois
1PM And What Is That Bright Object in the Sky?
Pale girl: Look at these freckles on the back of my hand. Oh, my -- what is this dark ring?!
Smoker: That's called a tan.
130 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM A Misguided Attempt to Assert Alpha Female Status
Female coworker #1: Are your poops big?
Female coworker #2: Well, I don't exactly examine...
Female coworker #1: Well, compare your big poop to something in real life.
Female coworker #2: This is ridiculous.
Female coworker #1: No, I'm serious.
Female coworker #2: I don't know, an egg?
Female coworker #1: How many eggs?
Female coworker #2: Three, four?
Female coworker #1: Well, my big poop is like the size of a Nalgene water bottle.
Gladstone Avenue & Galena Boulevard
Aurora, Illinois
Overheard by: Just Trying to Eat My Lunch
5PM Could Have Happened to Any of Us
Office girl #1: What's wrong?
Office girl #2, gagging: I was miming committing suicide by glue stick, and I accidentally inhaled.
N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: The Temp
2PM And I Can Start Drinking Overtime
Man, buying lottery ticket in liquor store: If I win this, the old lady can cut back to part time.
725 W. Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois
Overheard by: I didn't win either
4PM Luckily We Had Clear Written Guidance on How to Do That
Suit #1: I am about finished writing up the policy on policies.
Suit #2: Uh huh.
Northwestern University, 2020 Ridge
Evanston, Illinois
10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise
Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Eva Braun Waxes Rhapsodic
Co-worker: If I killed someone, he would totally lie to the police for me. Either he would be my alibi or he would lie and say he did it so I could be free.
225 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Am I Next
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM This Is Your Brain on Market Research
Advertising executive: Here are my recommendations: A. Can we simplify this? B. Consumers are stupid.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: writer and consumer
2PM What Really Happened to IBM
Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lila
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
3PM And Kindergartners Have Way Better Drugs
Mother: They're trying to hold him back again. He's been in preschool twice already. Preschoolers are dull and boring!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
3PM So That's Why People Go into Hairstyling
Stylist on phone: Oh, I gave you the wrong phone number.... So is that like a fact-smile? A fact-smile. It says here the fact-smile number is 312-555-1234*.
South Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: waiting for a haircut
2PM And I Read a Lot of Nietzsche
Interviewer: What would you say your strengths are?
Buff interviewee: Arms and back.
Dresden Nuclear Power Plant
Morris, Illinois
Overheard by: Harbor
4PM He Runs a Brothel
Supervisor: Different day, same shit.
Employee: That's my favorite saying! "Different day, same shit."
Supervisor: We probably shouldn't swear; I don't want to offend the customers.
Employee: Probably.
Supervisor: You know what my favorite saying is? "Fuck that!"
Mount Prospect, Illinois
12PM And I'll Say, 'Harder, Slave'
Employee: It seems like there are a lot of new people working here.
Boss: Yes, sometimes I'll be leaving the building and will say to someone, "I don't know you," and they will say, "I work for you."
Elevator, 215 Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
9AM The Personal Is Political
Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.
630 East Lake
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Not Why I Went to Law School, But What Are Ya Gonna Do?
Criminal defense attorney: Leave me alone. I have to get back to work.
Peon: Why is that?
Criminal defense attorney: I have a client that might actually be innocent.
39 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM He Believes Chrysler Daimlered For Our Sins
Boss on the phone: What religion is he?...That makes sense that he drives a Jeep then.
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: AHHH!!
5PM Isn't That a Felony in Most States?
Boss: Wait, I have a question: they're fucking retarded!
Underling: That's actually not a question...
Boss: Whatever, they're still fucking retards.
13546 Rockland Road
Lake Bluff, Illinois
Overheard by: Victa G
4PM Some of That Is Just Normal Post-Culinary Sadness
Engineer #1: Drew*, you're having corned beef again?
Team leader: Yeah, I got a big piece of it and cooked it all at once.
Engineer #2: Did you get it at Costco? It's real cheap there.
Team leader: Yeah, but the thing that sucks is it shrinks when you put it in the oven. You're thinking you have a big piece of meat, and then you pull it out and you're all disappointed.
Deer Park, Illinois
Overheard by: office peon/cubicle monkey
9AM Sarah Tobias: 'Too Late.'
Female employee: Man, I'm soo busy today. Why is everyone taking advantage of me?
Male employee: I dunno.
Female employee: Oh well, maybe I just let people take advantage of me. It's just easier that way.
Male employee: Some advice: don't ever say that in a bar.
Motorola, 1301 East Algonquin Road
Chicago, Illinois
9AM I Know the Perfect Position For You!
Employee #1: I don't know how you got a better review than you did last year.
Employee #2: Yeah, me either.
Employee #1: You know, I really only get about 50% out of you each day.
Employee #2: Yeah, that sounds about right. Some days more, some days less. Usually less.
Employee #1: Wouldn't it be great if I got that 100% out of you, though?
Employee #2: Probably, but I really just don't feel like it.
901 Warrenville Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Recovering Workaholic
12PM Just a Little One That Will Change the Way I See Things
Female customer: My sunglasses are broken. One of the screws fell out, and a guy in here yesterday said they would replace them with a new pair.
Woman behind counter: Oh, I remember you. You're just looking for a screw, right?
Female customer, after entire store stops laughing: Aren't we all, really?
1051 North Rush Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Standing behind you
10AM Yes, They Were Haitiards
Co-Worker #1: He was born in Spain, but his parents were born in Haitia, right?
Co-Worker #2: You mean Haiti?
25 East Washington Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Lesley
4PM Well, Try to Keep All Your Balls in the Air
Account director: Are you slammed?
Designer: Yeah, I'm juggling David's* package along with everything else.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
1PM And I Have Candy
Female worker about to take a walk: You sure you don't want to go with me?
Male worker: No.
Female worker: I'll go topless.
515 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Glad I'm not leaving my cube for another hour
11AM Does She Like Breathing Phone Calls and Threatening Letters?
Co-Worker #1: Do you know who I'm talking about?
Co-Worker #2: Wait, is she attractive?
Co-Worker #1: I guess.
Co-Worker #2: Blonde? Short?
Co-Worker #1: Yah, that's her.
Co-Worker #2: She's married.
Co-Worker #1: Yah. Does she smoke weed?
Co-Worker #2: I don't think so. But she should. That or a Xanax.
150 South Wacker
Chicago, Illinois
10AM That Jerk Owes Me Money!
Customer: What country are you from?
Tech: I'm from England, ma'am.
Customer: Oh. Did you know Princess Diana?
Tech: No, sorry. I'm afraid I didn't.
Customer: What about Paul McCartney?
Circuit City
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: Chris
5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On
Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
5PM Anyway, I Already Ate Peter's Foot Skin
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Annual Volunteer Project
I-banker: Why can't we just donate money to hire people to do this work?
2615 W. 84th Place
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Partner #1: You're wearing a t-shirt?
Partner #2: It's not a t-shirt. It's designer.
Partner #1: Glad to see you're back in gay mode.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: new here
1PM Pep Rally
Employee #1: They got suspended.
Employee #2: Why?
Employee #1: They were grinding during the National Anthem.
Employee #2: Oh, how do you do that?
Employee #1: Haven't you seen the pony commercial? You can grind to anything.
201 Recreation Drive
Bolingbrook, Illinois
4PM Needs Some Fresh Air
Customer service: Is your desktop on the screen of your laptop?
Customer: Yes.
Customer service: Okay, go ahead and close all windows.
Customer: My apartment does not have any windows.
245 Crossroads Parkway
Bolingbrook, Illinois
4PM Coffee Break
Coworker #1: Was it a Woody Allen movie?
Coworker #2: No, it was a comedy.
1865 Grandstand
Elgin, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Employee: Are you yanking my chain?
Boss: Oh, you'll feel it when I'm yanking your chain.
111 E Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
2PM Straightening Up
At the end of Take Your Kids to Work Day...
Bruno*: Everything is askew! Where's my weedbag? I've got some quarters missing. Damn thieving kids.
222 North Lasalle
Chicago, Illinois
5PM That's a Wrap
One VP to another: Well, it was a dumb thing to do. But it wasn't the first dumb thing we've done.
1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Pirate Wench
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR guy: I swear to God, if [Becca] wasn't pregnant I would have tackled her.
515 N State Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
2PM Behind Schedule
Co-worker: I think from now on, I'm going to speak in the third person about myself, and I'll call myself "Angry Chinese clam." Angry Chinese clam is most displeased with your actions.
120 North La Salle
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Vacation Memo
Boss: Did I forget to tell you that we will be open this Monday? I decided not to close the office after all.
Employee: For what?
Boss: It's Labor Day, and I was going to close the office, but decided not to.
Employee: It's not Labor Day! Memorial Day is this month, but not until the end of the month.
Boss: It says right here on my calendar it's Labor Day. I thought it was weird that Labor and Memorial Day were in the same month.
Employee: Let me see that calendar. . . Oh, for God's sakes, do you see that M by the date?
Boss: Ummm, yeah.
Employee: That means Labor Day for Mexico!
Boss: No kidding! Wow, I feel really stupid!
Employee: Yeah, you should! Happy Labor Day, Senorita!
4302 West Crystal Lake Road
McHenry, Illinois
Overheard by: Gramma
2PM Setting Goals
CSR to manager: Sometimes there is a fine line between making people happy and getting them to shut up.
1300 Arlington
Itasca, Illinois
11AM Running Diagnostics
Two co-workers watch a woman showering in a window across the street.
Female co-worker: Is she dry showering?
Guy: No, there's soap on her legs. Wow, those are America's cleanest boobs.
Female co-worker: You can't see soap from here.
Male co-worker: You can with the binoculars in my office.
Male co-worker runs to get the binoculars.
Female co-worker: Uh oh. She just cleaned somewhere funny.
Boss: What's going on?... Ahh, a nudie with fake boobies! I love a good set of fake knockers!
Male co-worker: She has a scar on her butt.
Boss: I think that's a tattoo.
Female co-worker: She should get that checked out.
225 North Michigan
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Did you have a computer ethics class in college?
Programmer: [Scoffs] There is no ethics, it's a computer.
10 Salt Creek Lane
Hinsdale, Illinois
Overheard by: Bill Dwyer
11AM Brainstorming Session
Co-worker #1: I've got a great idea for our new slogan: "Ask me how to get trim!"
Co-worker #2: Uh...I am just going to say that I am not comfortable with that.
4849 South Austin Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Restock Cabinet
Co-worker #1: Oh, you have some good supplies. Anything I can steal?
Co-worker #2: Uh, you can have some markers.
Co-worker #1: No, that's okay; I've got markers up the ass.
633 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Order Supplies
Designer: Sure I'll take a notepad. As long as there's not cats on the cover.
111 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Hear No Evil
4PM Update Contacts
Secretary on phone: Hi, I have tried twice now to establish myself as the main contact person for our firm with your company via your online customer service, and it still won't change the name...Yes, and I'm considering legally changing my name to [Nathan Blumenthal] because apparently that would be easier than getting it changed with your printing service.
19 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: You know, if this office were a reality show it would be called Derm'd If You Do And Derm'd If You Don't. I would go to the bathroom to bitch to the camera in the mirror about our shitty patients.
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Conference
Co-worker #1: Is this the small conference room, northwest corner?
Co-worker #2: It's the smallest one.
Co-worker #1: So that's why they gave it the name "small conference room"?
1661 Feehanville Drive
Mount Prospect, Illinois
3PM Gerald's Birthday Thing
Trader: Happy 75th, old man! We got the pizza for your birthday.
Senior Trader: I would have rather gotten a blowjob.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Layoffs Meeting
Manager: It would be misleading of me to tell you that there was any hope of you having a job.
1919 Swift Drive
Oak Brook, Illinois
4PM Call Client (Again!)
Co-worker #1: Are you okay?
Co-worker #2: I'm okay. But if I could slap people through the phone, others wouldn't be okay.
515 North State Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Peter Gibbons
2PM Construction in Progress
Maintenance #1: Don't break 'em off.
Maintenance #2: Don't break what off?
Maintenance #1: These nuts.
224 South Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Clerical Testing
Applicant: Boy, there were a lot of errors in that letter. I hope I wasn't supposed to correct them. I was just supposed to type the letter the way it is, right?
18 North County Street
Waukegan, Illinois
12PM Pay Bills (Cont'd)
Client: Wait, so what do you mean I can use my debit card. How does a debit card work? Do you like, just write it in your check registry?
Stylist: Yeah, it's like a check, only electronic. You have to use your PIN number.
Client: I've never seen this before! Wait, I don't know my PIN number.
Stylist: It's the same as your ATM number. It's the same thing.
Client: ...This is amazing!
110 East Delaware Place
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: phone girl
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.
900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM File Referral
Banker #1: How do you file an old CD referral?
Banker #2: Well you submit it and cancel it and submit it and cancel it and repeat that 5 times, and then wash your hands...Oh, I thought you said OCD referral. Like obsessive-compul--
Banker #1: I get it.
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Teddy
9AM Back to Work
Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Let's take care of that tomorrow.
Employee: Let's as in "you and me", or "you, me and [Kate]", or "me and [Kate]"?
Boss: Let's as in "you and Kate]." I shouldn't be involved unless there's a problem.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: That's a great way to start the day. Talkin' about dog farts and placentas.
Worker #2: Breakfast, anyone?
5885 11th Street
Rockford, Illinois
2PM Print Termination Letter
Boss: You know what my problem is? I'm too nice a guy. I fired [Lenore] this morning. I should've kept her on till the end of the day, but then I would've felt like I was using her. I'm an idiot.
Salesperson: That's two problems.
40 Shuman Boulevard
Naperville, Illinois
12PM Programming
Front Desk: What does code 99499 mean?
Coder: "You're a dirty whore."
Front Desk: They have codes for that?
675 North St. Clair Street
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Check Up on Renatl Department
Client on speaker: I need one of those lights that you put on the camera, and a metal thing, and also the curly thing.
Rental Department: So you need a flash, a stroboframe bracket and the off-camera cord?
Client on speaker: Yeah, sure, I guess. Oh, and do you have one of these things that see the light?
Rental Department: A flash meter you mean?
Client on speaker: Sure, I guess.
Rental Department: Sir, are you the photographer?
Client on speaker: Yes, why?
1111 North Cherry Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Gotta Meet That Deadline
Manager: Here you go.
Employee: Oh, thank goodness. This is what she's looking for...I'm so glad you found it. I would have had to redo it right now.
Manager: I found it on your desk.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM So...Drowsy...
Partner: Do you think the girls would mind if I popped an Ambien and went to sleep in their bathroom?
10 South Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Call Bank
Co-worker on phone: Ma'am, my language will not improve. If a mugger knocked me over the head and stole my wallet, I would speak to him pretty harshly to say the least. So don't expect me to talk professionally to you.
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
3PM Coffee Run
Co-worker #1: I'm getting restless. I feel like I wanna go running or something.
Co-worker #2: It's awful cold out there.
Co-worker #1: Well, plus, I'm wearing a suit, huh?
Co-worker #2: Ever see that movie Falling Down?
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Schedule Comp Time
Employee: I worked 12 hours over this month, so I have some comp time on the books. I need to use 30 minutes of that tomorrow so I can leave a little early to go to the doctor.
Boss: Well, I don't think that's going to work. There are only 5 other people here that afternoon, and I am taking a two hour lunch tomorrow.
1600 Charleston Avenue
Mattoon, Illinois
9AM It's One of Those Wednesdays...
VP Software Development: In my opinion you don't have to be good at what you do to be a good manager.
2 East Main Street
Danville, Illinois
5PM That's Enough for Me
Employee #1: It's disgusting. Someone left a big peice of shit floating in the toilet.
Employee #2: Speaking of shit floating, did you hear who got promoted?
425 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Rory Calhoun
11AM Schedule Conference Room for Next Week
Worker Bee: How many people do we have signed up so far?
Middle Manager: So far as have 35 RSTDs.
Worker Bee: Hmm, we should really stock up on more antibiotics.
1155 East 60th Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: eazy_e
9AM I Want to Go Home Already
Man #1: I'm redecorating my cube with black velvet paintings.
Man #2: I've got a black velvet prom dress...
333 Corporate Woods Parkway
Vernon Hills, Illinois
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I really need to do Yoga again.
Co-worker #2: Do you want my Yoga tapes? I don't do it anymore, because my dog just won't leave me alone when I'm down on all fours.
57 East Green Street
Champaign, Illinois
11AM Install Yahoo!
Boss: Do we have Google installed on our internet?
IT guy: We put it on your machine yesterday.
700 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Outlook Training
Secretary: What does it do when it archeeves my email?
Boss: Are you serious?
Secretary: I mean, where does it go after it's done archeeving?
Boss: Oh god.
5353 McCurry Road
Roscoe, Illinois
2PM Call HR
VP Sales: Don't tell Human Resources I said this, okay, but these chocolates are gay.
5 W. Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Happy Hour
Rep on phone: You ever hear of a mojito? Well, I just created a new drink: the bro-jito.
10 S. Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Syd O'Banion
12PM Install Spellcheck
Girl #1: How do you spell "apost to"?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: You know, like, "I'm apost to go the store."
Girl #2: Do you mean "supposed to"?
Girl #1: Yeah. Is "apost to" not a real word?
111 E. Wacker Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Thank God the Weekend's Finally Here
Co-worker #1: Have you ever been to Greece?
Co-worker #2: Yup.
Co-worker #1: Did you go see ruins of Pantheos?
Co-worker #2: You mean, "the Parthenon?"
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's it! Aw man, today I've got...what's that called?
Co-worker #2: Stupid?
Co-worker #1: Ha, ha. Very funny. No...oh! Mind dyslexia!
Co-worker #2: As opposed to body dyslexia?
216 W. Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
7AM Then You'd Need to Raise Money for Broken Hips
Girl #1: Hey, do you want to do the Ann Landers 5k with me?
Girl #2: Ann Landers has her own 5k?
Girl #1: Yeah, it's to raise money for whatever she died of.
Girl #2: I thought she just died of being old. Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a 5k to raise money to prevent old?
835 N. Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
3PM It Depends on the Location of His Mouth
IT guy: Here, can you hold the microphone while he talks?
Account Manager: Sure. But can you tell me, what's the sensitive part here? Is it just the tip? Or the whole head?
155 N. Pfingsten Road
Deerfield, Illinois
11AM Those Brilliant Cetaceans Are Taking Our Jobs
Co-worker: Noon it is. I'm driving. But I have no room for dolphins in my car. Well...I have the room, but I didn't get the tank option.
1301 E. Algonquin Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
1PM Looks Like I'm Having Abortion for Lunch
Employee #1: I wouldn't eat caviar. That's fish eggs!
Employee #2: I'd try it...after all, I eat chicken eggs.
Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?...Oh.
6525 N. Sheridan Road
Chicago, Illinois
12AM The Same People Who Work Hard for Someone Else's Company
Marketing manager: I think we'll just give him our rationale, and if he objects, that's crazy! Who would object to logic?
1 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
7PM Which Means You Have to Want to
Assistant: Is this poster going to be mandatory?
Manager: We're going to treat this as being required, but not mandatory.
227 W. Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Caleb Yarian
1PM He's #1, Obviously
Supervisor #1: I am here to give you a hard time.
Supervisor #2: Take a number.
2 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
7AM Uh...Congrats?
Guy #1: Is this a picture of your daughter?
Guy #2: Yeah. She's really starting to fill out.
1501 E. Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
7PM Then There's the Whole Conversion from Metric
Salesperson: How long does it take to get to London from here?
Purchasing Agent: Well, I'm not sure, but coming back is faster because it's opposite the direction of the rotation of the Earth.
1506 Detweiller Drive
Peoria, Illinois
4PM Why Simon Says is Only Fun in Kindergarten
Supervisor: Go to your computer and pull up the client file you showed me earlier, the one that was wrong. I need to show it to the IT people.
Worker: I can't because I deleted it.
Supervisor: Why did you delete it?
Worker: Because you told me to.
Supervisor: Don't do what I tell you! Do what I say.
Franklin Square
Springfield, Illinois
12AM Tell Her It Makes Her Look Skinny
Co-worker #1: Does this skirt unflatter me more badly?
Co-worker #2: I don't even know how to answer that question.
216 Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
6AM Less "Think"; More "Recognize"
Boss: I just don't think that Gilligan's Island was appropriate theme for the company picnic. Do they want us to think we are shipwrecked here?
2350 N. Kenmore Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM If the Terrorists Haven't Won, the Idiocy Has
Temp: So maybe this'll finally get the English fighting with us.
222 S. Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
8AM That "Something" Was Obviously Subliminal Erotica
Marketing manager: I made it up based on logic...or something.
1 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
8AM Permission to Approach the Bench and Lift That Robe
Court clerk: Next docketed matter, Wood v. City. Anybody have Wood? If you have Wood, bring it up here.
50 West Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Larry
6PM Same Time Zone, Way Different Area Code
Employee: I just flew in from Spain yesterday, I'm totally jetlagged.
Department head: Spain? Is that in a different time zone?
4220 N. St. Louis Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Behind the Scenes: At the Publishers Conference
Lady Executive: I don't even want to hear from you, Stewart. You know you fucked me on that paper deal. You fucked me hard and you didn't even kiss me.
2233 King Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Next Big Thing
4PM Took Some AD&D Books While I Was There Too
IT guy: So my coworker gave you your fixed laptop back?
Finance guy: Yeah. Well, really, I looked into his office and saw it sitting on a desk, and I ducked in and took it. So, you know, same thing.
2000 Spring Road
Oak Brook, Illinois
Overheard by: George L.
12PM Insert Disk Into Drive
Guy with monitor: You need anything else moved into your office?
Other guy: No, but you're my IT bitch so I'll call you when I need something.
525 W. Van Buren Street
Chicago, Illinois
12AM Oh, What a Tangled Website We Weave
Law Firm Partner: How do you log on to our website?
Secretary: We don't have a website.
Law Firm Partner: Can make one up real quick? There's a girl who's trying to sell us a website and I told her we already have one.
329 18th Street
Rock Island, Illinois
12AM One Man's Prison Cubicle is Another Man's Castle
HR person: Here's your office. There are some shelves on order and they should be in next week, so you'll have to do with the desk and credenza.
New employee: But I thought I was getting a cubicle.
1701 1st Avenue
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: Holly Sparkman
6AM The Sweet Taste of Fools Getting Their Comeuppance
VP Fundraising: Mmm the aqueous coating on this brochure smells delicious.
Publication Manager: That's the residue from my Krispy Kreme.
2300 4th Ave.
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: Holly Sparkman
