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Texas All Categories > Places > United States > Midsouth > Texas
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10AM Yes, I Was Hoping You Might Be Able to Give Me Some AIDS
Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
4PM Can't We Ever Discuss Religion or Politics?
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don't like talking about MySpace! ... Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
9AM They're Equally Irrelevant to Intellectual Nutrition
Teacher: Do you all know your Roman numerals?
Student: Yeah -- aren't them those noodles you eat?
Rosedale Street
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: MsTchr4678
4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You
Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!
Portland, Texas
Overheard by: Kayte
9AM Scene from the Long-Awaited Sequel 65-Year-Old Virgin
Mail guy: Do you play soccer?
Office girl: No.
Mail guy: Oh, you look like a soccer player.
Office girl: Cool.
Mail guy: Do you like wet food or dry food?
Walnut Hill Lane and U.S. 75
Dallas, Texas
4PM Just When You Thought It Would Be Dull to Live in Texas
Reporter on phone: On that naked guy story, was that 18-wheeler his? ... Is he out of jail yet? ... He was slippery?
Beaumont, Texas
9AM A Description Best Reserved for Martha Stewart
Black woman, before an interview: I'll let you do the talkin', 'cause you're a code cracker.
White dude: ... What?!
Black woman: You know -- you can read between the lines and figure out if she's telling the truth.
White dude: I thought you just called me a 'cold crackah'!
SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: The real cold cracker
9AM Sacrilicious!
Tech, watching movie trailer online: Man, that's delicious. It's like drinking Jesus's sperm.
Hyde Park
Austin, Texas
12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes
Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.
3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas
10AM Chewbacca's Agent Finally Snaps
Worker bee: Your poor interpersonal communication skills are not my fault. They are my problem, because I have to deal with you, but they are not my fault.
519 Westport Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: DeadEyeDusty
10AM Why Professors Drink.
Professor: So, what did you think of the reading?
Student: Well, when I read the first part, I was like, 'Dang!'
Professor: Um...
Student: And when I read the last part, I was like, 'Dang! I mean, dang!'
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
2PM Where's Your Mommy, Anyway?
Grunt: I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat your head against the wall somewhere else. I have to get on a conference call now.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I know how you feel
5PM Coddery Barn?
Lawyer on cell: ... But where am I supposed to find a codpiece?!
Park Central Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Disturbed Paralegal
3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process
Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.
Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: jennifer
3PM Or Something the Size of a Seed, Anyway
IT nerd to another: Yeah, it was just a banana hammock, but I never did much with it besides keep sunflower seeds in it and stuff.
Park Lane and Highway 75
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: cherry
4PM That's What You Get for Vetoing My Slip-n-Slide Idea
Female coworker #1: You can't blow them if you're laughing.
Female coworker #2: I guess that's true.
Female coworker #3: Even when I blow them they keep coming back into my face. This is why you should not have bubbles at an office party!
Houston, Texas
12PM Is Ellen on Fire?
CSR on phone: May I speak with Ellen*?
Other line: Who?
CSR on phone: Ellen.
Other line: Ellen? This is a fire station. It doesn't ring a bell.
14610 IH 10 West
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: kelynsh
10AM Why Vacations Were Invented
Suit dancing with self through cubicles: Hubba, hubba! Ding, ding! I dance like a washing machine!
Cottonwood Lane
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: I don't dance at all...
12PM You're Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia
Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.
I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
4PM And All Its Dancing Queens
Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.
Hillsboro, Texas
Overheard by: Purchasing Slave
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
12PM Adequate Compension for My Stealing Your Wife
Editor, singing: I'm going to steal your chair when you're dead!
6th and Lavaca Streets
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: not getting up
2PM He Must Be Quite a Guy
Cube girl on phone: Don't call it my 'bosom' -- that makes me feel old. [A minute later] How many redheads with big boobs do you know?! Oh, your fiancée, I see. I didn't know that.
Houston, Texas
5PM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Colleague #1: Hey, that girl -- does she have those underwear on the wrong way?
Colleague #2: Yeah. Funny, huh?
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR Rep
4PM Without Drugs, the Restaurant Business Would Cease to Exist
Guy training hostess to roll silverware: Do you know how to roll a blunt?
Hostess: No...
Guy: Well, it's pretty much the same way.
Mexican Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hilary
9AM A Nice One -- Not Too Expensive
Coworker #1: Congrats on your bush transplant!
Coworker #2: Thanks!
Coworker #3, overhearing: Uh, yeah, congrats on your bush transplant. I didn't know that was a procedure. Was it medically necessary?
Coworker #2 to #1: You should have said 'shrubbery' instead!
Austin, Texas
4PM The More Meetings We Have to Improve Things, the Worse Things Get
Tech manager: The sales manager cannot take that complaint call because he is preparing to go to a CRM meeting.
Tech supervisor: What is CRM?
Tech manager: Customer relations management.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that?
Tech manager: Well, they are having this meeting so that this sort of problem doesn't happen.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that, too?
Houston, Texas
9AM Do You Need an Epipen?
Marketing guy: If 20 characters is the limit for a line, why is it wrapping?
Patient web developer: I used a fake string and we changed the font since then -- some letters are wider than others, so I have some work to do to get it to fit.
Marketing guy: Hmmm... I like it saying 'System Requirements' versus just 'Requirements.'
Patient web developer: ... How many characters is in 'System Requirements'?
Marketing guy: Nineteen characters, including the blank space between the words.
Patient web developer: Right.
Marketing guy: So, how much would that jack with things to be able to fit 19 characters on a line?
Patient web developer: Dude, c'mon. If 20 fits, then 19 will fit.
Marketing guy: That seems like some advanced math to me.
Patient web developer: Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to get all math-y on you.
2550 SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Snotted My Water
4PM High Fructose Corn Syrup Comin' at Ya!
Employee #1: Dude, are those the organic ones?
Employee #2, pelting others with jelly beans: No, that's why I'm throwing them.
Organic health food store
Houston, Texas
12PM But Being a Western State Is So Much Cooler
Secretary: Do you think Texas is a southern state?
Wise woman: I guess.
Secretary: It is the furthest south you can go.
2200 Neal Street
Commerce, Texas
Overheard by: Gibby
10AM What's the Upside Here?
Chick on cell, going to see her dad at work: Not shaving my legs is my chastity belt -- now I can get drunk and not be a slut.
Main Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by:
1PM Can't Fault a Guy for Wanting Nice Things
Cube dweller: I know he was yelling at me, but he was wearing the same members-only jacket as Rosario from Will and Grace!
523 North Sam Houston Parkway East
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: bemused
4PM Dammit, I'm Looking for Reasons to Do This
Worker bee #1: I don't know about dating him. I can't get over the age difference. It would be--
Worker bee #2: --Like raping a child?
Worker bee #1: Well, no...
Worker bee #2: Not your, like, son...
Worker bee #1: [Silence.]
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Eavesdropper
11AM Despite Anything You May Have Heard
Worker: It's not chaos, it's pandemonium. They should call it pandemonium. It's a conundrum.
Traffic manager: I don't want a conundrum in my mouth!
3311 Oak Lawn
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: erin
4PM Superhero Transparent Man Has Problems in the Workplace
Male coworker on phone with female worker: Did you get your areolas clean yet? No! Sorry! I meant did you get your area clean? I was going to offer you some Lysol!
West Sam Houston Parkway
Houston, Texas
5PM For Those Who Are Always Getting Sucker-Taught
Coworker #1: You know how there are teachable moments?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Well, there should also be punchable moments.
Austin, Texas
9AM Everybody Says That about the Vatican
Suit: It was kind of like Little Red Riding Hood, except with Mexican hookers.
Irving, Texas
11AM Twelve Full Months of Scary Doll Eyes
Worker: Hello! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Eight-year-old boy: Barbie!
Calendar kiosk, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
11AM It Really Was All Fun and Games Until He Lost That Eye
Male worker: There's already been a killing over a PlayStation 3.
Female worker who waited in line but didn't get one: Well, at least he got to play it for a while!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: The Temp
11AM The Girl Scouts Are All Over It
Chubby peon: I'll eat anything as long as it's a cookie. Even if it's frog-flavored.
Austin, Texas
3PM It's Hard to Believe This Joke Is Still Funny at a Pizza Place
Customer: Is my pizza ready?
Cashier, yelling: Hey! Is this guy's 12-inch out yet?
Manager, laughing: Did you just say that?!
Cashier, blushing: Oh! Oh my god!
Fort Hood, Texas
Overheard by: can I get one of those?
2PM Probably Why She Has Problems Landing the Plane
CSR #1: She just has a hard time with things, you know? Being deaf and partially blind and all...
CSR #2: Well, that can be hard.
Austin, Texas
9AM Wherever That Might Be
Dean: I don't think we can be the best in the United States, but I do think we have a shot at being the best in the world.
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
10AM Even the Attorney General Can't Do That Indefinitely
Helper: You're wonderful -- like a pie face.
Receptionist: Like a pie face? Wonderful people are like pie faces?
Helper: Um, obviously you don't understand I have my own language.
Receptionist: ... Well, then what's a pizza foot?
Helper: Look, you can't just be making things up!
4601 Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Nator
11AM I Hate This Place
Cube dweller: Just don't go around wearing green tights and you're good.
Addison, Texas
4PM But It Turns Out I Was Wrong
Receptionist on phone in earshot of a client: She said that she told her manager, 'I hate my fucking job.' I told her that it was completely inappropriate to say 'fuck' at work.
Austin, Texas
10AM The Plot Thickens...
Cube rat on phone: I saw the puppy on my lunch break... Yeah, now I have to go home and scrub the bathroom floor with my teeth.
Irving, Texas
2PM Let's Just Say the Experience Is Better in Slow Motion
Female editor: I've never been to Hooters, and I probably never will.
Male reporter: The service is exceptional.
Female editor: It takes the longest time for me to get my food there.
Male reporter: That's the best part!
100 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
11AM How, Now?
Reporter #1: Did I just hear that someone got bit by a cow on the scanner?
Reporter #2: It's possible. Some of them have really bad attitudes.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
Overheard by: Catherine
4PM And Not the Other Way Around
Art director, peeling an orange: I wish homeless people smelled like oranges.
Oak Lawn Avenue
Dallas, Texas
9AM That Clarification Smells Fishy
Coworker: Can I get the first initial of your last name?
Insurance rep: 'C' as in 'pussy.'
Coworker: I'm sorry -- 'C' as in what?!
Insurance rep: 'C' like 'pussy.' You know -- pussycat.
Doctor's office
Dallas, Texas
12PM You Know That's Only Allowed on Casual Fridays
IT tech #1: What are you doing over there?
IT tech #2: We're blowing people.
Waterview Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Dont_want_to_know
11AM Or Am I Now Cleared to Take a Pencil from the Supply Cabinet?
Professor: Do I need to sign something saying I signed something?
Langford Architecture Center, Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
1PM A Reclining One
Female worker: Something about his office seemed very home-like. I think he had a couch in it.
Male worker: It was a lamp.
Hillcroft Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Dogs Seem to Prefer the Varsoviana
Customer: If you come across a strange dog, you have to look like you're dancing. Otherwise it'll attack you.
Tyler, Texas
11AM You Really Tell That Story a Lot
Secretary to assistant: Yeah, I went through my lesbian phase, but I could never go back to women 'cause I like giving blowjobs too much!
4400 Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
5PM So Not Why I Went to College
Cube girl: Man, being on my knees down here really hurts...
Greenville, Texas
Overheard by: me next?
2PM And Those Are the First Two Bullet-Points on My CV
Peon: I was normally born, and I have a normal head!
11149 Research Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: across the cube
12PM Like Marshmallow Fluff on Your Cocoa!
Office chick: How was your weekend?
Office guy: I got a sunburn! Look, my skin is flaking off! [Rubs his arm.]
Office chick: Stop! You're flaking into my coffee!
San Antonio, Texas
11AM And Mess with My Tried and True Regime of FreeCell and Internet Porn?
Exasperated IT guy #1: Don't you have something better to do?!
IT guy #2: Yeah, but I'm not going to do it.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
10AM Why So Many People Work from Home
Disembodied voice: Yeah, I had him for five months -- a big ol' black boy. He had a toilet paper fetish.
Capital of Texas Highway
Austin, Texas
5PM Society Would Crumble without Hypocrisy
Coworker #1: You don't believe in the five-second rule?
Coworker #2, who dropped a chip and threw it away: I do, just not when people are watching...
Richardson, Texas
11AM Got Any Engagement Rings That Squirt Poison?
Worker bee: I won't spend 60 dollars on something I can't shoot my friends with.
11145 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: me either
4PM No Expectations, No Disappointment
Worker bee #1: I've never had a Hungry Man meal before.
Worker bee #2: It's not bad. Just don't pretend you're eating real food.
Austin, Texas
2PM Trust Me, They're More Afraid of You Than You Are of Them
Data entry guy #1: Ya know what freaks me out?
Data entry guy #2: Um... What?
Data entry guy #1: Canadians.
Dallas, Texas
4PM Billable Hours of Sweet Oblivion
Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It's only 3:30.
Attorney: 'Cause I like to drink.
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Staja
12PM And Therefore Diseased
Cube rat on phone: They're cheap and easy.
9744 Forest Lane
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Renee
11AM Nice Work If You Can Get It
HR girl: Have you looked at that guy's resume?
HR guy: Yeah, but I'm a little concerned about his spermatic work history.
HR girl: ... Sporadic?
HR guy: Yeah. My bad.
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR girl 2
5PM Don't Try -- Just Say "I'm Sorry" and Shake Hands
Associate: I have a hard time crying over dead children.
910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: The Man
12PM Just Like Popular Music
Office girl #1: White chocolate is such a sham. They take out the best part.
Office girl #2: The brown?
Southlake, Texas
4PM Worth a Lot of Money on the Right Japanese Website
Coworker #1, whose initials don't include 'P': Oh, that personalized stationery set is a really nice gift. I'd take it, except it's got 'P' on it.
Coworker #2: It's got pee on it?!
South Austin, Texas
Overheard by: uncle eddie
1PM The Zen Oven Is Generally Low-Maintenance
Manager on phone with refrigeration company: That oven that never comes on but is always on? It didn't come on.
Answering service: Would you please repeat that?
Manager: You know, that oven that never comes on but is always on? Well, it didn't come on.
Answering service: Thank you, sir. I'll let the service rep know.
Restaurant, Slide Road and Loop 289
Lubbock, Texas
4PM It Says, "If I See You I Will Kill You"
Admin: I am going to heaven!
Boss: What makes you think that?
Admin: I wrote my brother a letter.
Boss: How long has he been in jail?
Admin: Two years, and I have not spoken to him since my friend got killed.
Boss: Sooo, you think because you wrote him a letter you are going to heaven? Do you forgive him?
Admin: Hell no! If I see him, I will kill him. But I wrote him a letter!
Dallas, Texas
12PM Honestly, Such a Fuss about Comma Faults
Editor to another: You're killing me. Why don't you just cover yourself with tapioca and let the birds eat you?
Beaumont, Texas
4PM The Sacrifice of the Mascot
Office grunt #1: Isn't there some word for that sort of recursive image? Like the pig who's about to eat a piece of bacon, or the chicken with a bucket of KFC under her arm?
Office grunt #2: Yeah, and what about Kool-Aid Man traipsing around with a jug of Kool-Aid?
Office grunt #1: Oh, yeah!
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
5PM Yeah, but My Head's Not Full Yet
Office girl #1: I want to start reading more books.
Office girl #2: Didn't you just read yesterday?
11940 Jollyville Road
Austin, Texas
10AM Okay Fine, It Was Paperwork, Okay?
Delivery guy: When I got out of the Air Force I thought I was done with paperwork, but it looks like I'm destined to do paperwork.
Receptionist, uninterested: Oh, really?
Delivery guy: Yeah, but most of my time in the Air Force I can't talk about.
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: It's top secret stuff.
Receptionist: Oh, okay.
Delivery guy: Can't talk about it.
Receptionist: So don't.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Waby
11AM I Study Marital and Martial Arts
Receptionist: If he does that shit again I'm going to tie his ass hairs together and kick him in the shin.
Addison, Texas
Overheard by: buenisima
10AM There's a Very Long List of Things You Can't Imagine
Girl in breakroom avoiding meeting: Ugh! I can't imagine anything worse than doing conference calls all day.
Girl reading Maus, Part II: [Stares.]
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: I love Frenchie
1PM I'll Just Put on My Earflap Hat
Worker bee: Will this be in Canadian or English?
100 Centre Drive
Austin, Texas
10AM What God Said, after Creating the Earth
Priest: ... And, as always, during the collection-- Is there anyone to do the collection? Lock the doors -- nobody gets out.
2026 Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
4PM If You're Going to Disrespect Authority, Don't Leave Witnesses
Assistant: I don't know if you want to give him a call or not.
Boss #1: What happened?
Assistant: He mouthed off to a cop.
Boss #1: Sounds like Eric*.
Boss #2: Eric didn't mouth off to a cop.
Boss #1: I thought he did.
Boss #2: No, he ran over a cop. There's a big difference between running a cop over and mouthing off to one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: can't make it up
11AM But Everybody Calls Him Davy
Coworker: Does any other Daves work here?
Dave: No. Except for Dave.
Book store
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: We also have three Ashleys, three Michaels and two Clints!
5PM The Church Watches Priests Closely These Days
Serious suit on cell: If he does that then he's going to have to give up the hookers and drugs, and I am not kidding.
San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Going Into Politics?
3PM Only Slightly Worse Than Creamed Chipped Beef
Worker bee #1: My love doesn't spread well.
Worker bee #2: Really?
Worker bee #1: Yeah, I tried it on toast once.
5100 South Mopac Expressway
Austin, Texas
5PM Thin People Don't Need to Like Their Food As Much As I Do
Heavy lady #1: God, I'm on this new diet, and I'm having a hard time staying on it.
Heavy lady #2: Is it the soup diet?
Heavy lady #1: Yeah... All I've had to eat today was a half bowl of soup.
Heavy lady #2: Did you eat the banana yet?
Heavy lady #1: No, I tried. I don't really like bananas.
504 Lavaca Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: GangerBanger
2PM ...Which, Thanks to Lawrence V. Texas, I Can Finally Come Out and Say
Female engineer: I need to hear some boy bands.
Male coworker: Like 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Backdoor Boys.
Female engineer: I love back-door boys.
Airport Rd
Mansfield Texas
4PM Can We Rinse Our Minds before Continuing This?
Elevator girl: I rode in the weenie mobile last night!
Elevator guy: Is that a euphemism?
Elevator girl: No! He really came! Oh...
Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
9AM I'm Guessing the Party Was Your Idea
Worker bee #1: So, how did your party go this weekend?
Worker bee #2: It went good other than my husband didn't help very much. When I was getting everything ready, guess what he was doing?
Worker bee #1: What?
Worker bee #2: I started looking for him everywhere. Then I decided to look outside, and I caught him in the backyard jacking off.
Burnett Plaza
Ft. Worth, Texas
5PM When Government Leads, the People Will Follow
Manager: What's this? Everyone acts stupid all of a sudden.
2300 Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
5PM Maybe I Should Go Amend Her Chart?
Grunt #1: What's wrong with Debbie*?
Grunt #2: Uh, something's wrong with the gonads on her vocal cords.
Grunt #1: You mean 'nodules'?
Grunt #2: Oh, yeah.
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: quite amused
12PM And Really, How Much Skin, Bone and Fur Do You Want to Eat?
Worker #1: How much fiber do you think is in a bat?
Worker #2: Not a lot.
Worker #1, surprised: Really?
Worker #2: Well... It's not like a bat is a vegetable.
Hospital
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
3PM What Severe Burnout Looks Like
Grunt #1: If there is a tornado today, are you our emergency person?
Grunt #2: Nope, I really don't care if you die.
Beach Street
Fort Worth, Texas
11AM NewsFlash: Rise in Drive-by Insultings in the Workplace
Coworker: Wow! Those are some shiny shoes! You know, it's a good thing to have shiny shoes because people are more likely to be enthralled by your feet and less likely to notice your incompetence.
Elevator, Office building
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: checking own feet
12PM How Hard Is It to Remember My Name Is Also Devon?
IT chick: Hey, where's my homies?
Admin: What homies?
IT chick: Devon* and the little guy.
Admin, incredulous: There's a little guy?!
Little guy in corner, quietly: Thanks.
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, Texas
10AM Time Travel's Probably Your Only Hope Now
Office peon: That John Wilkes Booth -- they just didn't shoot Lincoln soon enough.
Arlington, Texas
1PM Got My Eye on the Prettiest Little Vireo
Driver piercing long silence on radio, to no one in particular: If I wasn't a human, I'd be one o' them cow birds. [Other drivers agree.]
227 Business Route 96
Buna, Texas
Overheard by: Angel
9AM I Mean, I've Got Kids and They're Horrible
Worker bee #1: I don't understand what pedophiles are thinking.
Worker bee #2: Man, you're not supposed to understand it!
Austin, Texas
3PM Ideas Need to Be Kept Isolated from Each Other
Ad rep running to office for Post-Its: I need my stickies, I need my stickies, I need my stickies! I get nervous without my stickies...
Texas
Overheard by: it's a good thing she's pretty
4PM Should Be Tattooed on Your Inner Thigh
Sales guy to customer: Can I have your date of birth and expiration date?
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
Overheard by: Nikki
1PM They Seem to Follow You around the Room
Coworker on phone: But he always says, 'I can't dance, I can't dance...' No, it's because his breasts jiggle around when he swings his hips, and he's so insecure about his breasts. That's why he can't meet any girls -- his breasts move whenever he dances.
Austin, Texas
12PM A Series of Humiliating Tests Ensued
Customer: I want to return this breast pump. It doesn't work.
Manager: What's wrong with it?
Customer: It doesn't suck!
Store
Fort Worth, Texas
3PM At the End of a Stalk
Girl #1, after male coworker receives huge bouquet of flowers: You know, I wonder if he's doing something to egg her on.
Girl #2: Nah, some girls are like that, you know? It's called stalking.
Girl #1: You know, I knew a girl like that once. She had a glass eye.
5718 Westheimer Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: the things i hear around here
12PM The Cow Was Found to Be Negligent
Lawyer #1: I can't wait to get rid of those cows.
Lawyer #2: I thought you liked your cows.
Lawyer #1: Well, I did, but then one of them got a little too close and now I have a large bruise on my right thigh.
Lawyer #2: You were just too proximate.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
3PM And He Sees Me As a Kind of Alien Cafeteria Lady
Crazy dog lady: Ajax was running around in the shower this morning and chasing the water. It was so cute!
Coworker: He was in the shower with you?
Crazy dog lady: Yes. He needs to get clean. He has a white coat and he gets so dirty.
Coworker: You took a shower with your dog? Were you naked? Ewww...
Crazy dog lady: What? He was dirty!
Fort Worth, Texas
1PM What's It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?
Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money...
Boss: That's not what I meant.
Girl: I know!
Texas
Overheard by: the lowly receptionist
3PM Then Put This Blotter Paper in Your Mouth
Big mama running after child: Get over here!
Child: Nuh-uh [runs away].
Big mama, clenching teeth: I said get over here!
Child, terrified: No!
Big mama: Do you want to see the magical lions and rabbits outside?
Child: Oh! Yes!
Katy Mills Shopping Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Omid
2PM She Got Three Fewer Diseases, Though
Overpaid receptionist: I am so freakin' tired. I've been actually having sex since four o'clock Saturday 'til six o'clock this morning.
Coworker: Ummm, that's nice.
Overpaid receptionist: I'm so sore. I am walking like Sally*. It looks like she was fucked all weekend, but all she did was pull weeds.
North O'Connor Boulevard
Las Colinas, Texas
Overheard by: So that's what 'being rode hard and put away wet' looks like
4PM Everybody's Founding Fathers Drink the Blood of the Living
Vet tech #1: Aren't there a lot of castles in Pennsylvania? I was watching a show on TV about all the castles there.
Vet tech #2: I think you're thinking of Transylvania.
North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: pooper scooper
5PM Texas Law Is Pretty Clear That's Illegal
Lady #1: So, I've joined a pottery class. It's a group of people working in all different mediums. Everybody gets to make things according to their own artistic vision.
Lady #2, disgusted: Sounds very cultured.
Lady #1: Oh, no, haha -- it's not.
College and Park Street
Grapevine, Texas
12PM My Secret? I Keep a Bottle of Everclear in the Supply Room
Suit #1: Dude, that guy is falling over drunk in the middle of the day!
Suit #2: Lucky bastard.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jealous too
9AM And I Can Whip It Out As Needed
Consultant #1: Should we print copies so people can take notes?
Consultant #2: I never take notes -- I have a phallic memory. If I see it once, I always remember it.
Bay Area Boulevard
Houston, Texas
5PM Or a Q as in Cuba?
Phone rep: Can I get your name?
Customer: [Mumbles.]
Phone rep: I don't think I got that. Did that start with a 'K'... as in 'cat'?
Austin, Texas
9AM Probably Time to Make a Fresh Pot of Coffee
Drone #1: It's a different texture.
Drone #2: It's hard. I'll suck.
Austin, Texas
10AM They'll Strap Me to a Chair and Force Me to Look at Anne Geddes Photographs
30-something woman: Are you going to the baby shower?
20-something girl: No. Being in a room full of women talking about babies is my worst nightmare.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: athens
1PM All They're Good for Is Committing Bank Robberies
Woman: Be still, we have to wait for our turn.
Kid: Why are we here?
Woman: We're returning a package.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because I don't want it.
Kid: What's in it?
Woman: I don't know. I think it's pantyhose.
Kid: You don't want the pantyhose?
Woman: No, I don't want the pantyhose.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because pantyhose are evil.
Post office
Leander, Texas
Overheard by: Faedorah
4PM And Here I Am Giving It Away for Free Like a Sucker
Office grunt #1: So, why are you taking off on Friday?
Office grunt #2: To lay some pipe. 'Cause layin' pipe pays more than this job does.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Giggling Silently
3PM Oh, Triple-H! Take Me Away from All This!
Little girl running to discounted WWE book half her size: Yes! Now I've got it!
Waldenbooks, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
9AM Natural Selection Blows It Again
Chick #1: I miss birth control.
Chick #2: Me, too. Condoms are complicated.
South Inwood Road
Dallas, Texas
9AM Bringing the Grand Total to Three
Young, blonde female: Um, wow, I just cracked my spine and grew, like, an inch.
Male supervisor: Yeah, I just grew, like, an inch watching you.
3rd Street and Colorado Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Miss Informed
2PM But Here at Mengele Inc. That's Okay
Manager: You know butadiene is a reproductive toxin, right?
Peon: A what?
Manager: Reproductive toxin -- it causes sterility.
Peon: Okay... You know, maybe we should sterilize that town... Wait, was that out loud?
Manager, laughing: Yeah.
Houston, Texas
5PM How Instant Messaging Works
Corporate peon: Did you get my message?
Field rep: No, did you leave one?
Corporate peon: Well... No.
909 Lake Carolyn Parkway
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: Bigness
11AM And Why Does Everyone Always Ask Me That?
Boy: I don't like Oprah. She's kind of racist.
Girl: Oprah can't be racist! She's black!
Boy: Were your parents related?
Girl: What's that got to do with anything?
710 West San Augustine, Deer Park High School
Deer Park, Texas
Overheard by: Ian Jacoby
3PM What Is It with These People?
Phone rep #1: What's that?! A cheeseburger without cheese?!
Phone rep #2: Yeah. It's called a hamburger.
500 North Central Expressway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: amused coworker
9AM You Mean Your Dog Jumped Off a Cliff?
CEO at company-wide meeting: You have to understand -- we are a relatively young company, and we are in Helen Keller mode right now.
13500 Heritage Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas
10AM You Should Write All Important Memos There
Girl holding can of soup: Well, one can makes soup for more than one person.
Guy staring blankly: Uh-huh.
Girl: So, how many do you want to get?
Guy: I can totally see down your shirt, by the way. Now, what?
Girl: Were you listening to a word I was saying?!
Guy: No, I was staring at your breasts.
Red River H-E-B supermarket
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Natalie
3PM Sir, You'll Have to Take Your Green Tiger Outside
Customer with CD: Don't make fun of the Transformers.
Bookseller: I'm not making fun. I had that soundtrack. I lost it in the hurricane.
Customer with CD: Well, you can't have mine.
Bookseller: I have The Matrix.
Customer with CD: I have the touch.
Passing customer: And I have the power!
Barnes & Noble, Irving Mall
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: shelving drone
9AM Um, Didn't You Attempt Suicide Last Year?
Cashier #1: Hey man, I think I might be gay.
Cashier #2: What's wrong?
Cashier #1: I keep having fantasies about being with a man. What should I do?
Cashier #2: Jerk off. A lot. If you do it enough, it'll get the gay out. It worked for me.
HEB Austin 15, North Lamar
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Jeff
1PM Maybe I Should Stop Eating All of the Stale Doughnuts
Waitress: I think I'm gaining weight.
Waiter: What makes you say that?
Waitress: I've put on 18 pounds since I started working here.
Waiter: Maybe you're pregnant.
Waitress: It can't be. You cannot get pregnant by the finger!
210 North 77 Sunshine Strip
Harlingen, Texas
Overheard by: Omar
3PM James Madison Drops Traditional Wrestling, Adds Jell-O Variant
Guy #1: I love the Jell-O here.
Guy #2: Yeah... Want to go take a shower?
Guy #3: Hell yeah, let's go take a shower!
Guy #1: Alright, I'll run to my room, drop off my stuff, and we can head over to take a shower.
Kinsolving dining room
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: HornFan
4PM If That's Work, Then I Don't Want to Play!
Lady: ... So it's a strap-on, then. You just clamp it on and let it go to work.
Deer Park, Texas
9AM Tell Me What You Think a 'Book' Is
Patron: Ummm, I'm looking for a book.
Librarian: Okay, well, do you know what it's called?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Do you know who wrote it?
Patron: No.
Librarian: Are you just hoping that we have some sort of book?
Patron: Yeah.
Librarian: You know you're in a fuckin' library, right?
Austin Public Library
Austin, Texas
1PM She Had an Entire Human Being inside Her -- What's Your Excuse?
Manager #1: Amy* had her baby last week.
Manager #2: Who's Amy?
Manager #1: She's one of our graphic design artists. She's very beautiful.
VP: Yeah, she is pretty. And she looked really good... Well, up until the end.
2700 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
4PM Too-Much-Information Technology
Coworker: Thank you for calling ABC Tech Support*. Can I have your name, please? ... While we're waiting for the information to come up in our system, you wouldn't happen to know how they execute their criminals in China...? I just ask because I heard that they sell the organs of condemned criminals over there.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Glad I wasn't on the phone at the time
9AM (Sob!) All Right, I Admit It, He's Columbian!
Hispanic lady: My husband just called to let me know that he's cooking dinner for me tonight -- it'll be ready when I get home.
Black guy: That's bullshit. He's just full of Budweiser, wantin' you to come home and all.
Hispanic lady: My husband don't drink no more!
Black guy: Bullshit!
Hispanic lady: No, really! He stopped drinking and smoking 10 years ago!
Black guy: Well, if he don't drink then he ain't no Mexican. That's all they do!
Houston, Texas
3PM I'm Not Sure, Doctor
Man: Oooh, whatever was on my finger tasted good! I wonder what it was...
Dallas, Texas
2PM We Know You Put Eggs In! Give It a Rest Already!
Sophomore: Dude, I really want a taco right now, but it's early in the morning...
Friend, leaning in: Nah, that depends on what kind of taco you're talking about. There are different kind of tacos... Heh, heh, you know what I mean?
Sophomore: Dude, shut up!
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thanks Captain Obvious
10AM An Air Traffic Controller Had to Talk Her Down
Coworker: I can't get my thingy on my dilly to pull out so I can get the thing to put on my paper! Can someone help me?
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Helio
9AM How I Became a Video Store Clerk
Customer: I need to talk to a manager about just erasing all of my late fees. Because, um, I'm never going to be able to pay those off.
Hollywood Video, Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: queenofsarab
11AM It's Discipline, Not War Crimes
Voice on PA: Attention, Barnes and Noble shoppers, will the customer looking for the 'Bataan Death March' please come to the Children's Department? Thank you.
Southlake, Texas
12PM Start Shopping for Curtains
Female coworker: If I don't get into law school, I'll just get knocked-up and be a house wife. I call it 'Plan B.'
910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I need a backup plan like that
4PM Call Me When the Atmosphere Ignites
Coworker #1: It's too hot for this time of year. It should not be 80 in November.
Coworker #2: Yeah, I know. It's almost enough to make you believe in that global warning myth.
Downtown Fort Worth, Texas
3PM Anything's Funny When Done in Lederhosen
Chick: My boyfriend and I love to beat the shit out of each other. But it's okay, because we are both German.
Austin, Texas
12PM Shortly Thereafter He Was Favored with a Practical Lesson on the Differences Between Kung Fu and Tae Kwan Do
School director to parent considering enrolling child: Our classes are full. We have a waiting list.
Parent: [Blank look.]
School director: You are Chinese?
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: But you speak Chinese.
Parent: No, Korean.
School director: Well, that's the same thing, right?
Irving, Texas
11AM Hey - Lesbians Can Be Superficial, Too!
Hostess #1: I wish I were a lesbian sometimes.
Hostess #2: Why is that?
Hostess #1: Oh, you know, so I could dress how I want.
Hostess #2: Ummm... You can do that anyway.
Hostess #1, laughing: Oh, you know what I mean! Baggy clothes!
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: scd
3PM Dear Diary: I Think I Really Impressed Donna Today!
Hot intern girl: It sucks that we have to seal all these envelopes today.
Jewish intern guy: Yeah, well, I make it into a game, you see. I pick a number, and if I can't seal that many envelopes in one minute, a bomb explodes!
Hot intern girl: Wow.
West Loop, Galleria Area
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: In the cube next door
12PM Somebody in Miami Keeps Buying Us Out
Toy store clerk #1: Hey, Jessie*, do we still have any of those Communist uniforms?
Toy store clerk #2: I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: What about the Communist soldier figurines?
Toy store clerk #2: Hm... I don't think so.
Toy store clerk #1: Do we have anything Communist-related?
Toy store clerk #2: I think we still have the stick-on Communist facial hair...
29th Street and Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused socialist
1PM Help, There Are Trammps in Our Refrigerator!
Employee #1: Now, where did 'Disco Inferno' come from?
Employee #2: Not me! It's not on my iPod!
Employee #1: I think it came from the refrigerator!
Employee #2: Oh really?
Employee #1: No, this is serious! You're not the one with 'Disco Inferno' stuck in your head!
Chevy Chase
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: kitchen watcher
2PM Unless That's Just the Hallucinogens Talking
Coworker #1: Man, this is discolored.
Coworker #2: Yeah, you probably licked it.
Coworker #1: I hate that. Licking always discolors things.
Austin, Texas
3PM He Keeps That Totally on the DL
Coworker #1: I was berated by Susan* yesterday because I asked for my light fixture to be fixed... again... after 13 days. She got angry because she 'has more important things to worry about.' Apparently, her husband's in the ICU.
Coworker #2: Dude, she's going to have to unplug him.
Coworker #1: I understand that, but I resent the accusation that somehow my asking for my light to be fixed betrays an insensitivity to the plight of her almost-dead husband.
Austin, Texas
11AM Have You Heard That Crazy Rumor about Tanning?
Woman #1: Well, we were stupid back then. We thought cracking your knuckles was cool -- we didn't realize it could lead to arthritis.
Woman #2, taking a drag on her cigarette: Yeah, we just didn't know.
7715 Chevy Chase Drive
Austin, Texas
9AM Thanks for the Gratuitous Prejudice, Though
Freshman #1: So I talked to my ex-girlfriend from high school this weekend. She's totally changed and she's dating this jerkish guy.
Freshman #2: Turkish, or jerk-ish?
Random chick turning around to join conversation: I hate Turkish people.
Freshman #1: Jerkish.
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thinking she was armenian
2PM I'm Convinced -- Here's 13 Dollars
Guy with wallet-chain and flannel shirt: The only difference between me and Kurt Cobain is I don't have a heroin addiction. Or a shotgun.
3rd floor, Accenture building
Austin, Texas
3PM At a Quarter-Million Square Miles, He's a Very Big Boy
Proud, jorts-wearing papa: Eric* is looking more like a Saskatchewan every day, with his big feet and all that hair.
Conrad Sauer Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Jacob
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
9AM A Little Accident with the Stove... Why?
9 to 5-er: I've smelled burnt human, and it doesn't smell like chicken.
Austin, Texas
3PM Pretty People Still Have to Stand Up
Female coworker: I wish I was disabled.
Male coworker: What? Why?
Female coworker: 'Cause then people would do things for you, like carry your stuff and get you things.
Male coworker: People do that for pretty people -- why don't you wish to be pretty?
910 Louisiana Avenue
Houston, Texas
11AM Them Some Mad Symbolist Tomes, Bro
Jock #1: Need me some Steinbeck. You read Grapes of Wrath yet?
Jock #2: No.
Jock #1: Makes East of Eden look like trash! It's hardcore.
Jock #3: Whoa! Cannery Row!
All three: Awesome.
Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas
Overheard by: They can read?
1PM Wait, No! That's What the Frogs Want!
Pilot: Tower, there's a piece of foreign object debris on the taxiway in front of the tower.
Tower: Roger, we'll send a truck right out to pick it up.
Pilot: Tower, disregard the FOD. It just hopped off the taxiway.
Tower: Disregarding.
Air Force Pilot training base
Texas
Overheard by: Redstick Zero Five
3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It
Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.
1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
10AM Better Hope English Doesn't Become the Official Language of the U.S.
Dumbest: He said he had a stomach ache so I gave him some Aflac--you know, rolodex?
Less Dumb: Antacids? Rolaids?
7th and Congress
Austin, Texas
2PM Well, Yes, But Only on an Evolutionary Time Scale
Young white girl: You need to wear sunscreen. My mommy told me that skin gets dark if you don't wear sunscreen.
Young black girl: I was BORN dark.
Young black boy: Me, too.
Young white girl: Really?
Young black boy: I wear sunscreen, too.
Young white girl: You were born that way? So it's not the sun? Really?
Preschool
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amused Pre-K teacher
12PM Either That or a Pair of Pants
Maintenance tech #1: Animal Control is on the way to remove the dead skunk carcass. I'll let you know when they get here.
Maintenance tech #2: Uh, go ahead and call them back and tell them not to come. We checked it out and it's a used banana peel.
Maintenance tech #1: Ten-four.
6400 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Shaking Head
5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X
Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: mmhmmm
1PM Sir, You Need More Services Than I Can Provide
CSR: OK, sir, go ahead and click on the logo in the top left of your screen.
Customer, on phone: I don't see that. I'm on a page that says "Welcome," then "My Profile."
CSR: OK, go ahead and click on "My Profile."
Customer: I don't see that.
9800 Fredericksburg Road
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Raydran
10AM Except Today They Were Spouting Some Nonsense About Loving My Neighbor
Coworker #1: What radio station do you listen to on your way to work?
Coworker #2: I listen to a Christian station so I can prepare myself for dealing with you assholes.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: one of the assholes
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
2PM The Red Sea Was a Giant Wine Bar
Devout drinker: So if you think about it... Moses would want you to be drunk right now.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Converting to Judaism
1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming
Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: underpaid TA
12PM Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.
Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.
Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.
Elevator
Houston, Texas
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
2PM It's Their Wellness Program
General manager: Feeling better today?
Waitress, laughing: Oh, yes!
General manager: Why are you laughing?
Waitress: Oh, it's nothing.
General manager: No, tell me!
Waitress: I can't!
General manager: Is it girl stuff?
Waitress: No.
General manager: Well, then tell me!
Waitress: Ok. I'm feeling better because I got really fucking stoned last night.
General manager: Dopehead.
Beaumont, Texas
1PM Then What Kind of Tree Would You Be?
Lawyer: So, he was all like, "But I'm a cabinet maker." And I was like, "But what if you were a brain surgeon..."
111 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Neither a cabinet maker nor a brain surgeon
2PM Way-Too-Casual Friday
Co-Worker #1: I have to go expose myself to Bob* and Mike* in a meeting now.
Co-Worker #2: Maybe I should skip that meeting.
1701 North Collins Boulevard
Richardson, Texas
2PM Little Nipper Plans to Tuck
Mother: Tell your aunt what you want to be when you grow up.
2-Year-Old son: A plastic surgeon!
Mother: And why is that?
2-Year-Old son: Because Mommy needs work!
Miss Saigon Café
Hurst, Texas
Overheard by: needo
9AM Maybe 'Shape It Up' Might Have Been More Appropriate
Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No...Actually, yes. I can't find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but...
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]
Girl: Yeah, "Whip it!" [Makes whip crack motion]
Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.
1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas
3PM She Unwittingly Picked Her Career on 'Opposite Day'
Very pregnant elementary school teacher: God, I hate screaming kids!
1 Raider Circle
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Fellow Teacher
11AM The Government Is Watching Him, But Only For Laughs
Clerk guy: Yeah, so we ordered a pizza last night, and the guy on the phone knew my address, get this, before I even told him!
Clerk girl: Don't they have caller ID or something?
Clerk guy: Man, I don't know. I was smoking a big one, and I was like, "Dude, whoa. I think the government is all watching me now."
Clerk girl: Um, probably not.
Clerk guy: Then explain to me how they knew my address and what kind of pizza I ordered last time! Explain that!
Kmart
Temple, Texas
Overheard by: Vicky
1PM So That's Two Dead Angels Right There
Woman #1: What are you listening to?
Woman #2: Bing Crosby. Do you even know who that is?
Woman #1: Duh. It's that guy who said, "Every time a light bulb goes out, an angel dies."
Woman #2: You idiot, that's Jimmy Stewart.
315 North Broadway
Tyler, Texas
11AM As Long as It's Not the Same Date as Halloween Again
Woman #1: What day is Thanksgiving on this year?
Woman #2: I don't know - Thursday or Friday?
Wal-mart
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Jennifer Gerboth
Blonde cashier: Wow! Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year!
Lake Travis, Texas
Overheard by: Frostwalrus
1PM Those Who Watch the Discovery Channel Should Not Be Allowed to Discuss It at Work
Female co-worker #1: So, I watched this special on TV about how some people are born with two distinct sets of DNA. They had a guy on it that was half white and half black.
Female co-worker #2: Having one black nut and one white nut would be awesome.
Female co-worker #1: Um, yeah.
2600 McHale Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: John da peon
3PM Memo to All Staff: There Will Be a Meeting to Discuss What Can be Done to Curtail the Number of Meetings
Office grunt #1: I hate all these fucking meetings!
Office grunt #2: Didn't you set this meeting up?
Office grunt #1: Yeah, but that's not the point.
Oil company office
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Lara
10AM I Said, 'Mr. Samsa, There's Nothing You Can Do!'
Border patrol agent: I tried to tell the guy his brother was dead. Metamorphosis had already set in.
3423 Interstate Highway 35
Cotulla, Texas
12PM Tough Love At the Massage Parlor
Supervisor: Jeremy* did not come in or call for three days. What should we do?
Manager: Spank him?
803 West Seale
Nacogdoches, Texas
Overheard by: Glinda Bright
5PM At Least He Could Say the Lipo Scars Are From Iraq
Boss: I would love to be the male equivalent of Tara Reid.
98 San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused
11AM Over Six Million Sold
Copywriter: How about 'Widget* is your final solution for packaging needs'?
Copyeditor: I think we should use any other description.
Copywriter: Why? Does it not make sense?
Copyeditor: Only if you're not talking about the Holocaust.
4th and Congress
Austin, Texas
4PM Also, You Don't By Any Chance Have an Alibi Lying Around?
Worker #1: Hey, man, you got one of them stick stain remover things?
Worker #2: Hell yes I do!
Worker #1: You know if it work on blood?
3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas
4PM Prepping for Happy Hour
Administrator: Here's my theory on drunk driving: People get caught drunk driving because they never learned how to drive drunk when they were kids.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
1PM Design Meeting
Designer to photo researcher: Try to find a nice child abuse shot.
10801 N. MoPac Expressway
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: always listening
10AM Shooting On Location
Crackhead: I know you... you are that guy from TV.
Ryan Seacrest: Yeah... it's me
Crackhead: You're that guy from Fear Factor.
Ryan Seacrest: No... I'm on that other show, American Idol... You might have heard of it?
Crackhead: Look at me... I ain't got no TV.
6th Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Coworker: I just can't do PCP socially anymore. It's such a mess.
5100 S MoPac
Austin, Texas
3PM On the Links
At a company golf outing. . .
Member of other foursome: Did somebody lose a club cover?
Coworker, in the saddest voice ever: Was it a gorilla?
457 IH 45 South
Huntsville, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Honest? I am very honest. I am also very loyal to the company I work for. I give 110% to them every day.
Pause
Coworker on phone: Sure, I can interview with you tomorrow morning.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: I guess worst case scenario is they call me in for an interview, then shoot me, and kick my dead corpse in the balls.
Worker #2: Yeah. That would be worst case.
3908 Avenue B
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Server King
5PM That's a Wrap
Coworker #1: I am going to come in on Monday and tell [Dave] to shove it.
Coworker #2: Do I even want to know why?
Coworker #1: I'm going to win the lottery this weekend. Fifty-six million dollars!
Coworker #2: If I win the lottery, I will go around running into every person in Houston who has ever cut me off! And those that come out of the parking lot right when the light turns green and then cross all three lanes in front of everyone, I'm just gonna floor it...
Coworker #1: Uh, I was just talking about not having to work for a while.
2875 Antoine
Houston, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Matthew McConaughey's mother: I wish you were Woody Harrelson. He always has better pot than you.
Patrick McConaughey: I fucking hate you too, mom. [out the window] Hey babe... don't you know who I am?
Matthew: You people bring me down.
Backseat of the car I was driving
Austin, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Data center drone: God! I hate sharing workstations with the night shift. Every day when I come in, my chair smells like ass and the desk smells like armpit. Doesn't [Tim] ever take a bath?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
11AM Number Crunching
Co-worker: Seriously y'all, if people don't start getting my Kennedy assassination references I'm just going to have to leave Accounting.
305 South Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
10AM Brainstorming Session
Manager: We should try putting up our design pattern library on one of those new . . . kiwis!
Drone: [Sigh] Wikis?
1 Kirkwood Boulevard
Southlake, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: This is my senior picture in high school.
Manager: You were a cheerleader?
CSR: Yeah.
Manager: What happened?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: I just can't get enough sleep. My mom wakes me up yelling that I get too much sleep, then I drive to work and almost fall asleep!
Co-worker #2: Uh huh.
Co-worker #1: Doesn't she understand I need my sleep? She's driving me crazy.
Co-worker #3 [from down the hall]: Why don't you go to bed earlier, when she puts your jammies out?
6200 Savoy Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Frankendude
4PM Staff Meeting
Drone: With all the cutbacks, re-orgs and layoffs, what is management doing to keep up morale?
Manager: It's called a paycheck. You know, that thing that magically appears in your bank account every month? That is your motivation. Any more questions?
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
4PM Intern Interviews
Boss: Who is your supervisor?
Intern: Um, technically, you are.
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
10AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Boy, you look tired...
Project Manager: Yeah, it's been hectic. I need some of that geico balboa stuff.
Worker #1: Uh, ginko bilboa?
Project Manager: That's what I said.
Worker #1: No, you said "geico balboa".
Project Manager: What's the difference?
Worker #1: Well, Geico is an insurance company, and Balboa is Rocky the boxer's--as in the movie--last name.
Project Manager: Ha! I wonder if he gets a hard time for that.
Worker #1: He's not a real person. Besides, I think what you meant was you needed some ginseng. Do you know what ginko bilboa is for?
Worker #2: Okay, seriously, how long is this meeting going to be?
6700 Hollister Road
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Damien Sebastiani
10AM Send [Tim] Over to Tech Support
Manager: [Tim], are you going over the off-site location?
Intern: Yes, I have to pick up the loaner laptop for [Kelly].
Manager: Can you drop this off to shipping and receiving while you are there? Might as well stone 2 birds.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Foreman: Today is Shadow Day.
A/P: What's that?
Foreman: They let the kids off school to go with a parent to see what they actually do at work.
A/P: And she picked you?
3559 Belgium Lane
San Antonio, texas
4PM Team Meeting
Manager: I knew you were going to say that.
Team Lead: Really? How did you know that?
Manager: I have a third sense when it comes to this place.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
11AM Monitor Calls
Broker on phone: Why should you buy my bond? Because you buying it is good for my firm, good for me, and two out of three ain't bad.
1100 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Manager: Is that goat cheese on your sandwich?
Worker: Yes
Manager: I hear that single goat goat cheese is a delicatessen.
Worker: A what?
Manager: A delicatessen.
6511 Tri-County Parkway
Schertz, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: Bye, guys. See you tomorrow.
Worker #1: Who the fuck was that?
Worker #2: The new sales secretary; she took [Carrie]'s place.
Worker #1: Who the fuck is [Carrie]?
Worker #2: She took over for [Gretchen].
Worker #1: Oh, hell. I don't care about chicks' names. I only care if I'm sleeping with them. And then sometimes I have to get up and check their purse for ID.
1313 North Industrial Boulevard
Dallas, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Editor #1: Should we tell the author we lost that whole section of the manuscript?
Editor #2: No, let's not announce that we're incompetent.
Editor #1: Yeah, let's let it be a surprise.
8700 Shoal Creek Boulevard
Austin, Texas
11AM Design Meeting
Project manager: Thanks, [Craig].
Art director: You mean [Jose]? He's [Craig].
Project manager: I mean [Jose]. Sorry, I got you mixed up since you're both wearing yellow shirts.
Art director: My shirt isn't yellow. Neither is [Craig's].
6501 Legacy Drive
Plano, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: Stupid fucking Back Office Support people are retarded.
Worker #2: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Worker #1: Amen...without the sex part.
Worker #2: Heh, their pillow talk would go something like this: "You are the one that is hot, that is what I am telling you now."
1601 Bryan Street
Dallas, Texas
1PM Lunch
Employee: I have to go to the restroom and grab a bite to eat.
1800 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
4PM Order Supplies
Manager: Does anyone have a vanilla folder?
Underling: A what?
Manager: A vanilla folder?
Underling: A what?
Manager: A vuh-nil-uh folder!
Underling: Sorry, I only have chocolate.
508 Carroll Street
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM Conference Call
Manager: You could sit in my office since I am dialed in, but I just got over the crud so maybe that is not such a good idea. Why don;t you go down to the Alpha Room?...No, scratch that. Those guys went
to Taco Bueno for lunch and I am not sure that is such a good idea. Maybe you just better dial in from your office.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
4PM Get Janet to Redo Brochures
Tech: You can't save with Adobe Reader. You have to have Professional to save what you enter in the form.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: Yes, but in Reader. You have to have Professional.
Sales Assistant: So I can't save?
Tech: Right.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: That doesn't matter. You still can't save the form.
Sales Assistant: But I have 6.0.
Tech: In Reader. You have to have Professional to save the data you enter in the form. Reader won't let you save changes to a PDF.
Sales Assistant: Okay. But I have 6.0. Why can't I save with that?
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
2PM Distribute Manuals
Boss: Did you leave this in the copier? It got jammed.
Employee: Yeah, I guess I did. Sorry.
Boss: If you and [Janet] ever got married, you'd have really stupid kids. I'm just saying.
777 Main Street
Fort Worth, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Don't do as I do. In fact, don't even do as I say.
2807 Gulf Freeway
Houston, Texas
2PM Get ATM Fixed
Repairman on phone: Sometimes they bust out and you've got to give them oral...
1200 West Main Street
Tomball, Texas
Overheard by: Sarah Lashley
11AM Conference Call
Worker #1 on speaker: I was wondering why [Billy] hasn't called me yet.
Worker #2 on speaker: I'll go make sure he calls you this time.
Worker #1 on speaker: Do me a favor and punch him in the kidney as you walk by for me! Make him crap blood for a night so he can think it over.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
11AM Compile Mailers
Employee #1: You're making a mess with the mail. Envelopes are all over the place. They're calling me to come clean them up.
Employee #2: They're calling you? What are they saying?
Employee #1: "Come clean me up. I'm strewn about the table."
Employee #2: ...Because evelopes have such a good vocabulary.
Employee #1: Of course they do. That's why they don't stay sealed. They've got a lot to say.
12100 I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
2PM PR Meeting
Boss on speaker: Okay then, I'll be over in about 30 minutes to look at what you've got for me.
Media person: Great, we'll see you then.
Boss on speaker: ...Great, now I have one more fucking thing to do today...Fuck...
Media person: Um...You're still on speakerphone, buddy.
1901 North Shoreline Boulevard
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: The lowly intern
12PM Update Resume
Worker #1: Man, I'm having a hard time since I've had to write about me. Do you have any suggestions?
Worker #2: I don't know. It's been a long time since I've had to sell myself.
900 Washington Avenue
Waco, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Inspector: So, are you still a slave to Cox?
200 Quality Circle
College Station, Texas
5PM That's a Wrap
File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
11AM Call Building Management--Urgent
Receptionist: Hey everyone, tomorrow the building management is changing the bathrooms codes to 6-1-5.
Co-worker #1: But...we don't have a 6.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, the buttons only go up to 5.
Co-worker #1: Is the building management trying to tell us we're not allowed to pee any more?
2425 West Loop South
Houston, Texas
2PM Print Termination Letter
Ex-employee: I just got let go.
Employee: Really? What did they say?
Ex-employee: "Bye."
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
4PM Update Timesheets
HR: You miscoded your timesheets as vacation instead of holiday.
Employee: What difference does it make? It's a day off. Can't you just fix it?
HR: The difference is that it put you over on your vacation time for the year.
Employee: But it was a holiday. Can't you just fix it?
HR: Do you know how many days off you have per year?
Employee: Yes, but holiday/vacation, it's all a day off.
HR: Tell that to the employee that just got let go for miscoding time.
Employee: ...I'll fix it.
4400 Post Oak Parkway
Houston, Texas
2PM Training
Tech: Okay, now right-click there.
Admin: Here?
Tech: No, right-click. Right there.
Admin: Okay...
Tech: No, get rid of that. Right-click. Right there. Right-click. Right-click...Which button are you clicking?
Admin: The left one.
Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
4PM Call [Chris]
Receptionist on speaker: I'm sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won't call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don't know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.
5711 East FM-40
Lubbock, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
CSR: I just got a call from a guy that was looking for a customer service number for the phone company but he didn't want an automated number, so I told him that most customer service numbers are automated. He told me, "I am a therapist; I know how the phone system works."
6010 Exchange Parkway
San Antonio, Texas
9AM Only Eight More Hours of This
Manager: Good morning ladies. What are you whispering about?
Secretary #1 & #2: You.
11909 Spencer Road
Houston, Texas
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: That would be an unintended put option...as in put us out of our misery.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
12PM Go Over Forecasts
Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP: Yeah, it's like twice as much.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
4PM Final Trip Preparations
Boss: Will my BlackBerry work in Thailand?
IT: Yeah, it will work anywhere in Europe.
One Allen Center
Houston, Texas
2PM Credit Meeting
VP: Are we going to continue to flog ourselves with the same blunt instrument?
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
9AM Today's Looking Up
Manager: Will you help him on this issue?
Buyer #1: I'd be happy to help him.
15 minutes pass.
Buyer #2: If you just don't do your work, they won't fire you; they'll
just give it to somebody else.
6808 Lake Worth Boulevard
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Monkey
5PM Pick Up the Kid
At little boy spills his drink. The supervisor hands him a mop
Supervisor: Now go clean up the mess you made. This will teach you what you'll be doing when you grow up.
20410 Highway 46 W
Spring Branch, Texas
2PM Sales Meeting
Co-worker #1: [Aaron], you just don't get it.
Co-worker #2: I've got two hemispheres working here, [Mike].
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
11AM Party Planning
Worker: So the Christmas party is mandatory?
Boss: Of course not, but if you don't show you'll probably be ostracized.
Worker: ...And I have to sign a waiver to drink?
Boss: Do you think a company of lawyers would let everyone drink, then drive, and not cover their asses?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
2PM Staff Meeting
VP: There is only so much you can do with one hand.
Co-worker: I'm not going to touch that.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
2PM Meeting to Find Our Motto
VP: We have to create the problem that the customer will want to solve.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
10AM Staff Meeting
VP: We learn much faster when there is a gun to our head.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
5PM COB
Co-worker #1: Did you see that email [Henry] sent?
Co-worker #2 & #3: Yes.
Co-worker #1: What does he mean by "COB"?
Co-worker #2 & #3: Conclusion of business.
Co-worker #1: Oh, I was hoping it meant "commencement of breakfast."
10900 Stonelake Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: T the Munificent
12PM Work on Hospital Marketing Campaign
Co-worker #1: Can I use the abbreviation RNA?
Co-worker #2: You mean, like the stuff in your blood?
Co-worker #3: What's the abbreviation for "the customer's a jerk"?
962 Coronado Boulevard
Universal City, Texas
11AM Plan Holiday Party
Cube monkey #1: What are you wearing to the Christmas party?
Cube monkey #2: A black dress with a santa hat.
Cube monkey #1: Very festive...and probably busty.
Cube monkey #2: Why wouldnt it be? It's my dress.
Cube monkey #1: You could probably wear a burqa and be busty.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
12PM Follow Up with Buyer
Manager: Did you get a response back from that email you sent to the buyer yet?
Co-worker: No; I didn't ask her for one. She knew what action I took and if she didn't agree with me, she can call me.
Manager: No, no. You should always include "please advise" in the email, in case they don't receive the email.
8000 Bent Branch Drive
Irving, Texas
3PM Snack Break
Co-worker: This place runs like a well-oiled banana.
3000 Mountain Creek Parkway
Dallas, Texas
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Thanks for the pretzels.
Worker #2: Oh, now the bag is dirty.
Worker #1: I'll have you know my hands are clean. I sit here at my desk and sanitize them all day.
Worker #3: You know, I can sanitize you. All women need to be sanitized.
9725 Datapoint Drive
San Antonio, Texas
11AM Set Up New Accounts
Coworker #1: It's asking for an account number before it gives you one.
Coworker #2: Uh...
Coworker #1: It says "please enter the number of accounts."
Coworker #2: Yeah, how many do you want? 1, 2, or 3.
Coworker #1: Oh, I see.
1220 Senlac Drive
Carrollton, Texas
11AM All Hands Meeting
Manager: Okay, do you see anyone who is not here?
Employee: Uh, nope.
2913 Nueces Drive
Harlingen, texas
11AM PowerPoint Class
Director #1: [Beth], sit over here!
Director #2: Yeah [Beth], this is the power row.
2111 North Haskell Avenue
Dallas, Texas
5PM I'm Calling It a Night
Co-worker: Dude, there is something really funky smelling coming from underneath my mousepad.
5215 North O'Connor Boulevard
Irving, Texas
Overheard by: imaninarticluatetool
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker: My hubby can be such a dork. We went to the hardware store this weekend because we are refinishing our bathroom. So, I ask the hardware store guy, "Where do you keep your caulk?" Hubby just stood behind me and snickered.
8400 Esters Boulevard
Irving, Texas
3PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: Where do we sign up for that class? Ass-kissing 101?
'Cause I think I have this negative reaction to it that's holding me back, and I think that a class could really help me break down barriers.
1910 Pacific Avenue
Dallas, Texas
1PM Lunch
Partner: Tell me something. Does anyone around here care about me at all? I mean if I were to drop dead right here and now in the middle of the floor would just leave me lying there or at least push me into a dark corner?
Receptionist: I'm sure I could manage a little bit better than that.
Partner: Well, thank you. At least someone cares.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
5PM Time for Happy Hour
Co-worker #1: Not only am I supposed to be meeting this hot guy at the bar tonight, but we're celebrating [Darren] passing his bar exam! It's going to be wild.
Co-worker #2: Well, if you're smiling tomorrow morning we'll know how it all went.
Co-worker #1: Hell, if the night goes as expected, I won't even be walking straight tomorrow morning.
1218 Webster Avenue
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Office Slave
2PM Update Parts Price Catalog
Employee #1: Do you know how much these master cylinder gland nuts cost?
Employee #2: What,we are selling the gland nuts by themselves now? They are usually attached to the master cylinder...
Employee #3: I'd say gland nuts attachd to the master cylinder are priceless.
13601 FM 529
Houston, Texas
11AM Go Through Inbox
Co-worker #1: Those jokes you emailed were really funny.
Co-worker #2: Yeah they were. Which one was your favorite?
Co-worker #1: Number twelve.
Co-worker #2: Which one was that one?
Co-worker #1: Um, the one right after number eleven, dork.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
10AM Paul Out Through Monday
Co-worker on phone: Oh, man...Yeah, if you have HIV, you should definately stay home...Okay, see ya Monday.
Co-worker #2: So who has the HIV?
Co-worker #1: Oh, [Paul]'s got the flu and strep or something.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
2PM Go Through Resumes
Manager: Look at this, this lady put "dictaphone" under skills on their resume.
Worker: What? A dickaphone? Was she a phone sex operator?
1402 Harborside Drive
Galveston, Texas
Overheard by: ladyinthemidst
12PM Order E-mail for Dummies
General Manager: I have an email problem, I need you to answer a question...Do I have to use all lowercase Ls here? Can't I use 1s? They look like 1s.
IT: No! You have to use Ls! That is how e-mail works! It's an address that you have to get right!
General Manager: It's hard to tell if it is an L or a 1.
IT: Well yes, but from context clues, the email says, "Little Girl."
General Manager: Well you know what they say about assuming. Makes an ass...you...me.
13601 FM 529 Road
Houston, Texas
4PM The 3 Day Weekend is Nigh!
Co-worker #1: So, do you get Columbus Day off from school?
Co-worker #2: No, we only get holidays for black people and Jesus.
6101 Broadway Street
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: Salena Arledge
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: Hey, I'll promise BJs to his bosses for life if it means he gets the job!
Co-worker #2: I can't believe that came from sweet, innocent, you!
Co-worker #1: I'm pretty dirty...hey, I do have gay friends!
8000 Bent Branch Drive
Irving, Texas
3PM Call Maintenance
Computer guy: I wonder what it is that makes it feel so damn cold in this building sometimes?
Graphics dude: Maybe it's the temperature.
Dyess Air Force Base
Texas
Overheard by: Michael Philippus
9AM It's Going to Be a Long Week--Again
Tech guy: It will take Zeus and all his pissed off gods going in and throwing all sorts of thunderbolts to straighten this out.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
9AM What'll It Be Today?
Co-worker: Ugh! Easter's on a Sunday this year!
6300 West Loop Freeway S
Bellaire, Texas
9AM Hadn't Even Taken Off My Jacket
Boss: I was asked to suggest some strong people for this open
position in another department, and I think you'd be great for the job, but if you leave me, I'll kill you.
8200 Interstate Highway 10 W
San Antonio, Texas
3PM Coffee Break
Maintenance guy: How many nervous breakdowns are we allowed to have in a year?
Office Manager: Excuse me?
Maintenance guy: I don't know if we are supposed to stay within a goal.
5825 Chimney Rock Road
Houston, Texas
11AM Restock Supply Closet
Employee #1: Where is my pen? Someone stole it...
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: My pen is gone.
Employee #2: Check your ass.
Employee #1: There it is, in my hair.
Employee #2: Like I said...
909 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Helecia Helton
10AM Security Meeting
Smoker: Yeah, but the problem is security. I could give her an injection of morphine, but--
401 Gate Tree Lane
Austin, Texas
3PM Work on Newsletter
Graphic designer: I'm looking for those "In Memoriam" listings. I know they're buried around here somewhere.
2400 Grove Boulevard
Austin, Texas
11AM Reset Clocks
Relic: Jerry, is California one hour or two hours behind us now?...What? Isn't there some time of the year when they are only one?
2828 N. Haskell Ave
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: cherry simon
11AM Check Out the General Air System
Guy #1: Man it stinks in here.
Guy #2: HR should offer training in the courtesy flush.
12545 Riata Vista Circle
Austin, Texas
8AM TGIF
Girl #1: Good Morning! Did I get set up in SAP yesterday while I was out?
Girl #2: Uh! So was I.
Girl #1: Did you call the help desk yesterday?
909 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
10AM Order an iPod
Woman: So you only listen to the Cardigans on your iPod while you work?
Man: Yeah, they make me feel like a 16 year old girl just after a hot shower, fresh and tingly all over.
1111 Fannin Street
Houston, Texas
11AM That's Why You Keep Forgetting Those Reports
Boss: Make sure you tickle your calendar to remind you to do the reports.
Co-worker: Tickle?
Boss: Use the tickler system; you do know what a tickler is, don't you?
Co-worker: Yes, but...you don't use the one I know at work.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
5AM Getting Ahead Through Trepanation
Secretary: Your forehead is looking good today.
Boss: Yeah, the hole is still there but at least the scab is gone.
810 Highway 6 South
Houston, Texas
7PM It's Been a Long Week; Go Home!
Student: How are you doing?
Staff: Nothing much. What's going on with you?
Student: Fine, thanks.
108 E. Dean Keeton Street
Austin, Texas
7AM There's One in Every Office
Accountant: That's what happens when you're a bad-ass biker like me.
Accountant: I tend to favor a multiple chicken chuck: it gives you much more range.
Accountant: My daughter usually has her middle finger up from the time she starts driving 'til the time she's done.
Accountant: I wonder if the "Golf Cart Cop" feels some class inferiority chills when he drives past real cops.
Accountant: It doesn't have a poisoned dart or spider or anything in it, right? Ah, never mind, I've been reading too many Victorian romance novels.
Accountant: It's the most popular room in the building, you can lock the door, turn the lights off and take a nap. They need a La-Z-Boy boy in there. Privacy room.
Accountant: You're really good at giving love to plush animals. I am too, for that matter. They're almost as good as real animals. Less dirty, you know.
Accountant: Bruce Lee was, is, and always will be the top of the world.
Accountant: You're going to knit yourself a scarf? Then you'll look like a "Mos-lom."
Accountant: When you get old, you have to wear lots of cologne to cover up all of the old-people smells.
Accountant: I see Stephanie more as a "super toddler."
Accountant: I'm getting bit in the ass by the dog that I feed.
Accountant: This is about love. Love is about doing what I want. I love to give you the shit that I don't want.
Accountant: When I was little I used to be able to piss like 20 feet! You lose pressure when you get old though.
Accountant: Spatially is spelled just like spatula. Spatulas are good for flipping sausage.
Accountant: Yeah, they opened up my pants like a can of beans.
Accountant: The accounting chicken needs love.
Accountant: I know you listen to Sid Vicious, Eric, but I can't handle that level of excitement. Besides, he's dead. That's what killed him, anyway.
Accountant: I am good-looking enough to be gay.
Accountant: That way all their childbearing duties are finished by the time they're 18 and they can go off and fight the Irish scum.
Accountant: Kim shoots rubberbands with incredible accuracy. She always hits me, I almost never hit her. Although I did this time. Hey, right in the thorax!
Accountant: ...so modern motorcycles are designed so that the seats slope downward. It causes wedgies. So I'm thinking of not wearing panties anymore.
Accountant: The only thing you can do is stick your hand down your pants, but when you pull it out, the glove always stays.
Accountant: I was dressed like a bad-ass. You know, do-rag, sunglasses. I have to intimidate the people around me for my own safety.
Accountant: We had a janitor named Earl. He was a functional alcoholic.
Accountant: My wife and daughter are planning on having me committed so they can spend my inheritance.
Accountant: I wrote a little ditty: "They can't clean your clock when your glock is unlocked."
Accountant: Kadhafi: He was a good-looking guy at one point. Until Reagan blew the shit out of his country...it kind of aged him.
Accountant: Soon I'll control the whole market for rubber bands
Accountant: If I could, I'd wear a dot on my head. I think I'd go for red.
Accountant: You know, children are like dogs.
Accountant: Tell the insurance guy that your husband smokes a lot of dope so you were just checking on it.
Accountant: Blacks can use the N word, Germans can use the K word.
Accountant: Do rubber duckies have something to do with gay people? I stayed at this great hotel in San Francisco once; it was a total sex hotel. They had a Night of Pleasure kit that came with three rubber duckies.
Accountant: If you're hanging out with people from Nigeria, watch out. People from that country will steal your purse. Where do you think all those spam emails come from?
Accountant: If it's due, you must accrue.
Accountant: That's my "inquiring minds want to know" sound. I learned it on the Discovery Channel show When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth.
Accountant: My ass hurts so bad, oh my God.
Accountant: When I smell roadkill, I slow down. It's a rush.
Accountant: No no no, I just took her to the beach, there was no adultery involved. There could have been, but I'm a principled guy.
Accountant: I love this stuff. I put it in the CD changer in my Caddy and park by the lake and turn it way up. It makes me want to drive really fast. Especially the German stuff. It makes me think of murder.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
12AM Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!
Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.
6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas
Woman #1: So I went to Filene's Basement last night, and I was--literally--raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?
24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
7AM The Perils of the Riddle Industry
Client: It doesn't sound as if the rep really understands the product. Does she need more training?
Account Manager: Oh, she understands the product. She just can't explain it.
6665 N. Macarthur Boulevard
Irving, Texas
7PM Looks Like He Got the Job
Regional Director: I'm so sorry you had to wait, I was on the phone then my assistant got me off. Did she offer you anything?
2800 Post Oak Boulevard
Houston, Texas
6PM Yeah, We're Two Weeks Behind
Girl: Yeah, I'm trying to apply for chemical engineering, but when I go to fill out the online application, it says that it's closed, but then it says that the deadline isn't until March 1st!
Student worker: It's April...
Clueless co-ed: But..oh...wait...January...February...March...Oh! Oh, so, like, March is before April?
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: m.kyti
12AM Branding: the Product in One Pithy Phrase
Conference attendee: Ooh...red flashy reflector buttons. What do they do
Conference employee: Well, they flash and reflect.
Conference attendee: Well I'll take one. My son will love it. Does it have a name?
Conference employee: How about a red flashy reflector button?
500 E. Cesar Chavez Street
Austin, Texas
4PM Progress: Driving in Circles in an Ever Faster Rate
Superior: I'm going to need you to drive me around the block and then drop me back off here.
Underling: But what about this fax?
Superior: The receptionist can do it, this is urgent.
1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas
8AM Though I Did Not Look, Still I Could See
Boss on phone: I couldn't find anything wrong with it, they did a great job. I mean, to be honest, I never looked at it, but I'm sure they did a great job. It looks good.
703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas
4PM Can You Recommend a Good Dealer?
Head of Security: I know several of you have told me I looked familiar. Well, I used to be an undercover narcotics agent...don't worry, I won't name names.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
8AM I Vote We Feed It to the Retards
Boss: Hey, you guys! We're supposed to be a team. I think we should take a vote on the grimy chicken.
550 Bowie Street
Austin, Texas
8AM Listening Gets in the Way of My Duties
Boss: So how are you doing? Is everything all squared away?
Peon: If by "squared away", you mean multiple projects strewn across my desk in varying degrees of completion, then yes.
Boss: OK, good. Let me know if you need anything.
600 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
12AM Lemme Guess: CFO?
Coworker: Somebody's getting arrested today, and it isn't going to be me!
1218 Webster St.,
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Stacy Lewis
12AM Anywhere in the World, IT Stands for A-Hole
IT Guy: The last 15-20 minutes of my life have been wasted because you are a moron.
2100 Mckinney Ave.
Dallas, Texas
10AM Dude! You're Getting Mocked On Our Site!
Manager: We need to be less stupider on how we do...things...We need to work on our synergy, ensure we're interlocking with our process improvements...You need to have a sense of urgency, a relaxed urgency where you don't hurry anyone else but you.
1 Dell Way
Round Rock, Texas
Overheard by: Anonymous Tech
