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Pennsylvania All Categories > Places > United States > Metro Northeast > Pennsylvania
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1PM Mama Was Later Arrested for Adulterating Cocktails
Lady: I'd like a Bahama Mama.
Waitress: Alright.
Lady: And make sure to tell the bartender that I'd like it with extra Mama.
Waitress: No problem, ma'am. A Bahama Mama with extra Mama. I'll tell him.
Lansdale, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: fed up
4PM But Will It Affect My Tan?
Customer squinting at 'No cell phones' sign: Why do we have to turn off our cell phones? What happens if you use them in the tanning bed?
Tanning consultant: You'll die.
222 Plaza, 5th Street Highway
Pennsylvania
4PM How You Know Your Coworker's a Virgin
Younger guy peon: You know, I've never had any experience with ladies from the Pacific Rim.
Older guy peon: Really? Well, lemme tell you something. Their hair down there is dark, straight, and soft.
Younger guy peon, thoughtfully: ... Like a puppy dog's ears?
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Beef and Ale
3PM Or I'll Go All Yahoo on Your Ass
Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I'm still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn't find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin
1PM As It States Clearly on My Medical Alert Bracelet
Lab tech, during fire evacuation: Paul*, get out of the shade. It's not in the safety zone.
Paul: But I'm fat. I can't stand in the sun.
650 Cathill Road
Sellersville, Pennsylvania
3PM ... Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
3PM And It's Great for Cracking Open Shellfish
Manager to another: Why don't you take a seat on my commode? It's fur-lined... It's a special otter fur. The poop washes right off.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisonburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
10AM And the Winner of Today's "Most Entertaining Location" Contest...
Male worker bee: Do you know it's getting closer?
Female worker bee: Closer every day.
Male worker bee: But do you know what that means to me?
Female worker bee: I do. Eggs!
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
4PM I Have to Prepare Myself with Prayer and Meditation
Old lady coworker, about four-year-old niece: I'm minding Lydia* tonight, so I thought I'd leave early to read the directions on the macaroni and cheese.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: it takes an hour
2PM Gold and Sparkly? Really?
Boss: Ah, you're wearing a tie-dyed shirt.
Office girl: Isn't it nice?
Boss: Yeah. Hey, doesn't that circle remind you of Jake's* asshole?
Office girl: Wait, what?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Or the Philadelphia Equivalent
Employee #1: I've never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It's getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don't care about how it looks. I'm just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM And Stop Playing with That Gun
Civil engineer: If cigarettes are bad for you, then why are they such big business? You wouldn't be allowed to buy them if they killed you.
Environmental health and safety specialist: Do you ever pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth?
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern biologist
5PM Followed by "Can't Get Off the Couch" and "Help Me, Dr. Phil"
Hospital aide: Yeah, these pants come in 'Large' and 'Holy shit, you're fat'!
Hospital
Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The other aide
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
9AM The Judge Now Talks through a Hand Puppet
Attorney to secretary: You should be excited! There are no penises this time!
Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Walking In At The Wrong Time
9AM That's the Last Time I Let Uncle Walter Take Me on a Cruise
Newly married office girl: Swallowing is not my idea of a vacation.
Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: these walls are thin
4PM Socialism Was Fleeting but the Bud Light Dog Is Forever
Teacher: Does anyone know what Sputnik was?
Student: That's, like, a dog, right?
High school
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kong
5PM Perhaps the World's Fattest
CSR: I always put '25' when it's supposed to be '52.' I must be anorexic.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
2PM There's a Lot to Fear at Blair Witch Manufacturing
Office chick #1: I'm scared of the men's room. I think it's the urinal...
Office chick #2: I'm scared of that little thing in the men's room.
Office chick #1: What little thing?
Office chick #2: You know -- that little wooden thing. It used to be in our bathroom... It looks like a little totem pole.
Newtown Square, Pennsylvania
4PM ... And for Once It Won't Be One of Us
Attorney: Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a murder.
County courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
5PM When Excel Just Isn't Enough
Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.
East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: marianoelle
9AM How'd They Get There from the West?
Peon: I think she's Indian.
Boss: American Indian? We don't have a lot of those!
Peon: No, Asian Indian.
Boss: They have Indians in Asia?!
5th and Market Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Last Time, Frank from Accounting Tore My Favorite Negligee
Secretary: Does it involve undergarments? If so, I'm not there.
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
11AM I Knew It!
Engineer #1: So, what do you think?
Engineer #2: About what?
Engineer #1: I never knew that they made clip-on ties in such a variety of colors.
Tech lead, wearing bright purple, non-clip-on tie: Haha... Aye. Very funny.
Engineer #2: Yeah, I need to strap one on this weekend.
Cranberry, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Slappy
5PM Our Role in the Service Industry?
Employee to another: You're down on your hands and knees eating a banana. How do you not know what that symbolizes?
Route 209 and Weir Lake Road
Brodheadsville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: CW
1PM Where Do You Buy the Big Paper?
Algebra TA: Um, did anyone get this answer?
Dude #1: Well, I did, but it was after many beers and a really big piece of paper.
Dude #2: That's the philosophy of math, isn't it?
University of Pittsburgh, 3990 5th Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Didn't get the same answer
10AM Sorry, Just Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Senior biologist: Don't have them call me with any technical questions. Have them call Jack* in Municipal.
Redneck engineer: Ya ever tie two cats together by the tail and throw them over a clothesline?
Senior biologist: What?!
Engineering Firm
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern liberal biologist
10AM The Weighing of the Liver Was My Favorite Part!
Coworker to intern: So, how was the autopsy? Did you have a good time?
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
3PM Not the Worst Wedding Toast Ever...
Boss: It's been a great week, except for the rash.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
12PM I Don't Have a Copy of His Résumé, Either
Applicant: I don't have a copy of my résumé. A dog threw up on my laptop.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
3PM Except the Lasagna, Which Gives Her Gas
Office grunt: Yeah, my daughter loves it over there in Japan. She just loves eating the Chinese food.
Main Street
Munhall, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wait your intern
4PM So "Demented Old Crab" Is Your Diagnosis?
Social worker on phone: No! Stay away from that negative force. She is a demented old crab! Okay, I love you, too. Drive safe. And remember -- no crabs. And pick up some Vonnegut now that he's dead.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
4PM Ready? Okay!
Boss: Put away those pom-poms, young lady -- this is a place of business!
North Cedar Street
Lititz, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michelle
12PM The Argument for Christianity, Judaism and Islam
Peon on phone: She's right that it doesn't make sense, but it's what we should do.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
2PM She's Real --Just Not Really Dead
Office girl on phone: I figured I might as well not waste these tears, so I took the opportunity to tell them about my fake dead aunt.
Abington, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
10AM Usually Just My Doorman Tells Me That
Teacher #1: So, I went to my gynecologist yesterday, and he told me I had an exceptionally nice vagina.
Teacher #2: Oh, that was nice of him.
214 Race Street
Middletown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: poor student who wanted to ask a question
2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft
Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.
22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily G
10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope
Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.
Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Icebox
Employee: So, there was nothing in the fridge? Just the dog?
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
11AM He's the Go-To Guy for Reproduction Problems
Receptionist on door intercom: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay [hangs up]. Bob*, a guy from RICO is here to service you.
Hangar Place
Allentown, Pennsylvania
1PM Surgeon General: We're Mandating Filtered Conversations from Now On
Cube rat: So, does he know that you gave him herpes? You know, it's one thing to give him herpes, but his daughters, too?!
Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM You Can Buy Those Signs at Home Depot
Boss: All signs point to them being assfucks.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Picture Drawer
4PM And This Week I'm Retaining Fluid
Security guard: What's your pant size?
Male shop-lifter: I don't know... I just started wearing girls' pants last week.
101 Clearview Circle
Butler, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Charpie
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM I Keep a Potato on the Box and Everything
XYZ* interviewer: Thanks for your time. Do you have any questions for me about the company?
Interviewee: I do -- I have XYZ cable at home. How come it's so terrible?
1500 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Not That Bad
12PM Her Neck Rises Up Out of a Clearing
Woman #1: I don't want to show you guys my hairy back!
Woman #2, singing: Hairy baaack, hairy baaack!
Forbes Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4PM Though Apparently That's Not a Prerequisite for This Office
Old white coworker about interviewee: Did you talk to her?
Receptionist: Yeah, she seemed good.
Old white coworker: Black woman, right?
Receptionist: Yeah.
Old white coworker: Oooh, they're sharp! Well, when they're sharp, they're sharp!
Receptionist: Um... okay...
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: alxie
4PM Then He Came Down from His Trip, Crawled Inside, and Went to Sleep
Saleswoman: Actually, I'm a vegetarian.
Salesman #1: Oh man, I couldn't do that. That is crazy.
Salesman #2: Yeah, my dream is to eat an entire cow.
Salesman #1: My friend actually bought a second refrigerator so that he could put a cow into it.
Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie
9AM At the Revisionist Bible Thumpers of America Meeting
Maintenance guy: It says you shouldn't sleep with your dog... or your brother.
Route 447
Canadensis, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mistro
5PM Even If It Does Have a Giant Sunroof
Receptionist on phone: Mom, there are no pictures of them in the paper. I don't want to live in a decapitated house!
Lincoln Highway
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Assistant Girl
2PM Wait, You Say It's What Would Jesus Do?
Soccer mom #1: The other night I saw a homeless man on the ground. It looked like he had fallen out of his wheelchair.
Soccer mom #2: Oh, no! Did you help him get back in it?
Soccer mom #3: No, you really shouldn't, because he could hurt you.
Soccer mom #2: ... Or bite you.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
3PM And Ringtones
Worker bee: Does Anal Cunt have a MySpace page?
1500 Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: dmac
11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To
Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
12PM And What about the Lady Who Told Me It Would Be 2,880 Minutes?
CSR: Yes, if you do your payment online it can take two business days to post.
Customer: The other person told me 48 hours! Which one is it? I'm always given different information!
411 Smithfield Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: mrswackado
4PM But It Feels So Right
Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.
Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania
11AM You'll Have to Find Someplace Else to Store Your Plastic Scuba Divers
Principal over loud speaker: Attention, students, I repeat: the 400-level office is not an aquarium!
Montour High School Administration Building
McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: nemo
10AM The Wind in Willow
Tall lady: This wind is blowing up in my vagina!
Suit: I thought I heard something.
Taylor Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: stan
3PM How She Amuses Herself While Her Patients Are Under Anesthesia
Nurse to aide: You have a picture of a dick on your phone and you don't know who's it is?
Wayne Woodlands Manor, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: queen eileen
11AM Another Graduate of the Chico Marx MBA Program
Manager: ... So let him know that he has 60 cards here, and he'll be charged for all 60. If he doesn't want all 60 -- say he only wants 50 -- then take five away and bring those back.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexis
12PM I Have Good News
Philosophy student: Basically, all I really want is to survive until I die.
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
9AM Damn Health Code
Little boy looking at stuffed animal: Look, Mommy, it's the monkey that comes out of your butt!
Mother: Yes, it's the monkey that flies out of your ass. That's why we're not going back to Chuck E. Cheese's.
Learning Express
Exton, Pennsylvania
3PM Except That My First Is to Learn to Write
Lowly assistant: We are supposed to have our monthly, quarterly, and annual goals prepared for Tuesday's meeting.
Lawyer: Really? Tell the office manager to send me everyone else's goals.
Office manager: I probably won't have them before the meeting.
Lawyer: But I don't know what my goals are.
1500 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: It's Comcastic
4PM Mine's Dead, but I Haven't Yet Lost Hope
Coworker: How's your son?
Boss: He's sick all the time, but other than that he's fine.
201 North Craig Street, Suite 500
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: revho13
11AM And Do You Ever Clean Any of Them?
Mother to child: No, we already have nine guns at home!
Wal-Mart Supercenter, Conneaut Lake Road
Meadville, Pennsylvania
10AM ... They Ooze
Chick #1: Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a penis when you wear that hood?
Chick #2: I do not!
Chick #3: You should see her when she runs in that hood. Then she really looks like a penis...
Chick #2: Penises don't run!
Saint Francis University
Loretto, Pennsylvania
3PM Dude, That's a Cable Spool
Stoner: I don't like tables, but that is one damn fine-looking table! I mean, when I have people over, and they're looking for something to sit on, I give them a milk crate. Milk crates for everyone!
Philly AIDS Thrift, 514 Bainbridge Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew
4PM No Matter What, Dick Cheney's In!
IT guy #1: What is boxing day, anyway?
IT guy #2: Well, I Wikipedia-ed it and could only gather that it either has to do with killing birds, beating up servant girls, or selling off Christmas stuff nobody wants.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
11AM Future Conservative Policy Advisor
Chemistry student: You know what? Every year I hear about global warming, and then, like, three months later, it gets cold again!
Class: [Stunned silence.]
Parkland High School
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Out-Of-Here-In-Six-Months
2PM 0 People Found This Advice Helpful
Boss: Is that Amazon?
Office manager, answering phone: No, it was recording.
Boss, interrupting again: Was it Amazon?
Office manger: No, it was a recording.
Boss: You sure?
Office manger: Yes. It was silent and beeped and started the recording.
Boss: I thought it was Amazon. [Phone rings again] Is that Amazon?
Office manger: Yes, I'm on hold.
Boss: Maybe you should talk to them.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM And for My Presentation, I'll Be Performing 'Bop Gun'
Third grader: Hey, for our project do we gotta write about a black person?
Teacher: No, you don't have to write about a black person.
Third grader: My mom wants me to write about George Clinton.
Teacher: Do you mean Bill Clinton?
Third grader: Nah, I meant Thomas Jefferson.
Teacher: Oh, he's okay.
7th Street & Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Teacher Noga
5PM You'll Find That I'm Strict, but Fair
Office worker: Hey, do you have a yard stick?
Supervisor: No, but I have a riding crop.
Human Services Building, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
4PM At the Abstinence-Only Education Policy Office
Boss: Can you put an extra postage on that envelope?
Office manager: Sure, why?
Boss: 'Cause it gets there faster when you add an extra postage.
Office manager: Ummm... I'm pretty sure that doesn't make it go faster.
Boss: [Blank stare] Well... Just do it anyway.
Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM NewsFlash: UPenn School of Social Work Adopts Controversial 'Shut Up' Method, Following Brooklyn's Lead
Social worker to passing ambulances and police cars: Shut up! God.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!
80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!
2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania
5PM We Ran Out of Monkey Wax
Research supervisor on phone: So, question -- monkeys. Apparently one got a rash during the drug trial, but no one noticed because she was really hairy. Yeah, really, really hairy. She's a hairy monkey. What do you know about that?
West Point, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alison
12PM Wait, How Do You Spell It in a Fake British Accent, Again?
Middle-aged guy #1 looking at menu: Hey, man, they spelled 'Caesar' wrong.
Middle-aged guy #2: What do you mean?
Middle-aged guy #1: They spelled it C-A-E-S-A-R instead of C-E-A-S-A-R. They switched the 'A' and 'E.'
Middle-aged guy #2: Yeah, I've seen it spelled that way before. It's, like, the authentic Roman spelling.
Middle-aged guy #1: Oh, yeah, they were always doing crazy shit... Like backward V's and stuff.
Sam Snead's Tavern
Shawnee on Delaware, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Logan
9AM Why Couples Shouldn't Work in the Same Office
Good listener #1: Have you tried mango Propel?
Good listener #2: Nope.
Good listener #1: Is it any good?
Human Services, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: uberkt
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
10AM By 'Dyke' You Mean She Has Sex with Men Who Aren't You?
Contractor: That hairy-legged bitch.
Manceptionist: Oh yeah, she's a fucking dyke. That's why she has a bastard child.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Neo Has Trouble with the Matrix Again
Sales guy on phone: Yeah, we need to quantitate that. Mmm-hmmm. Well, I can't make ends meet of this spreadsheet.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4PM Remember? The ASPCA Won't Let Us Forget!
Daughter-in-law cooing over another shopper's baby: Awww -- look at that face!
Mother-in-law: You'll have one of your own soon.
Daughter-in-law: [Snorts] Talk to your son about that.
Mother-in-law: Well, that's between the two of you, I think.
Daughter-in-law: You know how I am. If I don't get what I want, I just go out and get it myself. Remember how I wanted a kitten?
Oxford Valley Mall
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Fellow shopper
10AM This Job Sucks -- I Quit!
Reporter #1: So, I was interviewing her about what she was going to do next, and she said she hoped she'd just get, you know, a Joe Blow job.
Reporter #2: You're not going to put that in the story, are you?
Reporter #3: Where can I find this Joe?
149 Penn Avenue
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I just work here
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
4PM Why? Because It's There
Coworker #1: Go fist yourself.
Coworker #2: You love saying that. I think we should start a national campaign using that slogan!
Coworker #1: I like that idea. We just need someone who's willing to appear on a billboard with their fist up their ass...
Both coworkers: Carl*!
Route 22 and Colonial Road
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Nathan
12PM That Guy Under the Table Is Actually Just Booting
Waitress: Hi guys, are you ready to order?
Frat boy: Oh, we're not gay!
Diner, West College Avenue
State College, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: 3rd Shift
9AM We Hit the Jackpot with Dizzy Does Dallas
Female coworker: All we ended up doing all weekend was watching porn and movies about jazz musicians.
Broad St & Cecil B. Moore Ave
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Why Nigerian Emails Work
Coworker viewing a Myspace page: Jeff Buckley's online! He's dead, how is he doing this?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
12PM She Must Be Lonely Among Her Kind
Supervisor to employee: I'm sorry. I don't speak retard.
588 N. Gulph Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Poor Guy
11AM She Took a Really Big Pas de Deux
Employee: The ballerina broke the toilet.
1228 Egypt Road
Oaks, Pennsylvania
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM I Dare You to Ask If He Has a Navel
Suit: Jim's* door is locked. Is he not here?
Woman #1: No, his mother's in the hospital.
Suit: Damn!
Woman #1: Not very synthetic, is he.
1500 John F. Kennedy Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Not synthetic, very real
10AM EEOC's Favorite Kind of Testimony
Employee: OH, SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE COCK AGAIN!... Only it doesn't have sunglasses anymore.
101 Hillpointe Drive
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania
4PM He Said I Was Cold and Unfeeling, And Made Abrupt Transitions
Boss: Sorry about being slow with the orders this summer. I was depressed and almost left my husband. Moving on, I have now ordered some new backpacks for us to sell.
North Washington
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Becky
11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children
Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM Fool! The Customer Is Always Right!
Customer: Hello, Phyllis, how are you today?
Worker: I'm not Phyllis, I'm Kay.
Customer: Your name tag says Phyllis.
Worker: No, it doesn't. It says Kay, see? P-H-Y... oops!... wrong name tag.
Westmoreland Mall
Greensburg, Pennsylvania
9AM Unless I Can Watch
Boss: You may not spend an hour in the bathroom.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Look Who's Talking, Dr. Vajayjay
Male nurse #1: I just thought of something. Wouldn't it be so embarassing being a gynecologist? What's your motivation? Man, that would just be so embarrassing.
Male nurse #2: Yeah, especially with your name, Dr. Beaver.
Geisinger Medical Center
Danville, Pennsylvania
2PM NewsFlash: Hygiene Strikeforce Raids Filthy Apartment
Irate tenant on voicemail: I came home today, and someone was in my apartment...vacuuming...I feel so violated.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Being a Muppet Is Not a Choice; They're Made That Way
Security guard #1: You hear about that wedding today? Someone's gettin' married in the park.
Security guard #2: Who? Bert and Ernie?
GR rep: Not in this state.
Sesame Place
Langhorne, Pennsylvania
11AM Tonight on SportsChat: Wankers Talk Wanking
Designer: Gosh, I just hate when you're watching a porn and they cut to the guy's face. It's always such an unfortunate time. I should write a letter of complaint.
IT guy: Yeah, if you only had a free hand.
Leverington Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: JB
1PM Cat Burglars and Ninjas Have Ruined Blackness For Everyone
Black guy: What would you say if I said I wanted to get a Mystic Tan?
Tanning consultant: Oh, you could. It would give you a nice glow.
Black guy: You're not even going to discourage me?! I would never get a spray on tan. The blacker you are, the higher people assume your crime rate is.
North 222 Plaza
Reading, Pennsylvania
3PM Just Scan in His Photo and Use Face-Recognition Google
Boss: I went to school with this guy...I don't remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I'd like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
4PM He's an Art Teacher
Co-Worker: I sent out the class rosters for summer term to all the faculty and got an e-mail back from one guy wanting to know why he can't find his name on the list. Because it's the list of his students! How did he get to be a teacher!?
1400 Penn Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The Temp
10AM Or Maybe Stop By and Start a Fire
Co-Worker #1: I was just over at [your new boss]'s office, and the first thing I noticed was that it's really quiet over there!
Co-Worker #2: Oh, I know.
Co-Worker #1: No, really, you're going to go crazy! It was almost nine o'clock, and nobody was talking! You'll have to play yourself some music or something.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: So I decided what I'll do is call you sometimes and just yell over the phone!
Collegeville, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Little Old to Not Be Having Real Sex
Social worker: So I gave the kid my copy of the DSM so he could diagnose his dog, and when he brought the book back he asked me for some porn. I thought the book was a good starting point so he could help his dog, but I don't know about the porn. He is only 17.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
5PM Now It's a Lot Easier to Sit Down
Boss: I took the hooker out.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dtell
4PM How About 'Don't You Wish Your Savior Was Hot Like Me'?
Blocked writer: Do you know how hard it is to write a useful, edifying sermon when you've got "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" stuck in your head?
1701 Delancey
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Anne-Cara
1PM I Sentence You to Death... By Bubinga!
Office manager: ...and his mantle, it's made out of Bubinga!
Designer: What the hell is Bubinga?
Writer: It's Ubuntu's neighbor?
Designer: Do they have a Wiki?
Writer: Yeah, I think they do!
100 West Broad Street
Hazleton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Slave to technology
1PM But When I Called It Out In Bed??
Co-Worker #1: Did you happen to grab my printouts, Jason? [long pause] Did you see anything here??
Co-Worker #2: No.
Co-Worker #1: Is this yours? No? It says, "Jason Horowitz."
Co-Worker #2: My name's not Jason. It's Tom*.
Co-Worker #1: Why haven't you ever corrected me?
Co-Worker #2, shrugging: You just always called me Jason.
3814 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: juliloquy
3PM Personally, I Prefer To Languish in the Hedge of Suspicion
Supervisor: You just blew a perfect opportunity to lie and get back into the trust tree.
500 North Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dave
12PM It's Pricey, But He's Worth It
Male co-worker #1: So what did you do for your birthday.
Male co-worker #2: Oh, the usual. Just some presents and breakfast in bed.
Female co-worker: My husband usually gets a blow job for his birthday.
Forbes Tower, University of Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
11AM I Banged Them Both, Though.
Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Sample Sale
Buyer: It's great. We bought a ton of old Levi's jeans dirt cheap, scuffed them up, and are selling them for two hundred dollars apiece.
Store manager: That's genius! How much are we paying you again?
729 East Lancaster Road
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Genevieve
4PM Smoke Break
Overlord: It's just like "Devil Went Down to Georgia" -- the devil clearly wins but, they try to sell it like Johnny did.
Underling #1: Oh, yeah, the devil clearly wins.
Underling #2: No, it's about the fiddle playing, you can't bring the band of demons into the mix. Johnny wins on fiddle playing.
Underling #1: I can see what you're saying but, the devil's flash takes it.
Overlord: Right, the groove is undeniable.
Underling #2: You know what, let's not have this discussion again. I don't want to be mad on a Friday afternoon.
2525 State Road
Bensalem, Pennsylvania
4PM Smoke Break
Supervisor: Well, when I was a kid, I was really ugly. I had the big thick glasses, I was tiny, it was pretty bad.
Underling: Wow.
Supervisor: Yeah, but it got better around ninth grade. That's when I turned drop dead sexy.
Underling: So, when did it go away?
250 West Jackson Street
Spring Grove, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: I don't care if you threw up or not, I'm not canceling that dentist appointment...Well, take some Tums and go anyway. If you have to throw up again, throw up on them; who cares?
321 Norristown Road
Ambler, Pennsylvania
10AM Ad Committee
Marketing Manager: I can start working on that flyer you need as soon as you give me the copy.
Sales Manager: Copy of what?
1111 Old Eagle School Road
Wayne, Pennsyvania
10AM Budgeting Meeting
Engineer: Let me guess, are you going to put on your "MBA Hat"?
Supervisor: How about I put my "Foot Hat" in your "Butt Hat"?
500 North Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
10AM Update Site
Supervisor: Internet access appears to be back up.
Accountant: I don't care; hurl yourself out the nearest window immediately.
2005 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Clerk: Why is there a wet floor sign on the carpet?
Supervisor: Sometimes I get excited.
Clerk: I miss working with you. You always know just what to say.
1201 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jessica Kalup
1PM Lunch
Sales Manager: How am I supposed to give you the Heimlich if you have your door shut?
2176 Avenue C
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: Did you look at the fax machine?
Tech: Yes, it's gorgeous!
203 Floral Vale Boulevard
Yardley, Pennsylvania
12PM Department Meeting?
Manager: It's just our department in this meeting, [the other department] isn't coming.
Supervisor: How do you know?
Manager: I went to [Brenda] and asked where her meeting is, and she said she doesn't have a meeting.
Employee: So if this is our meeting, where are we supposed to be?
Supervisor: I reserved the conference room for my meeting, but the door is closed. Is this my meeting?
Manager: I think so. It's nobody else's.
Supervisor: So then, where are we going?
535 Routes 6 & 209
Milford, Pennsyvlania
9AM Back to Work
News rep #1: The reporter wants an expert on idols and graven images...Is it "graven" or "craven"? I couldn't really hear him.
News rep #2: I don't know, let me look it up..."Craven: Characterized by abject fear; cowardly."
News rep #1: Hmm...I don't know...Is it "graven" or "craven" images?
Director of News: It's "craven". Definitely. Those words always go together: craven images.
200 South Craig Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12PM Production Meeting
Project Manager: I'm working on Chronic Constipation and should be done with it later today. How is Ulcerative Colitis coming along?
Multimedia Developer: Good. Should have it for you tomorrow for review. What's up with Vaginal Discharge?
3339 Ward Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4PM Beta Testing
Customer: You know we try to idiot-proof everything around here, but God keeps making smarter idiots.
500 Hertzog Boulevard
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a WWWrap
Sales: What was the the address again? WW..?
Manager: ...W?
Sales: Yeah that's it, that sounds right. WWW.
160 McClaren Road
Coraopolis, Pennsylvania
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: Do you want to tell them the truth?
Boss: What's the truth?
Co-worker: The truth is that you can't go and I don't feel like it.
Boss: So you want to tell them that?
Co-worker: Yeah.
Boss: Do you want to tell them the truth or the enchanced version of the truth?
100 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Back Office Peon
5PM That's a Wrap
Analyst: It's ten minutes 'til beer o' clock!
535 Routes 6 & 209
Milford, Pennsylvania
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: ...True dat, dawg.
Worker #2: I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you are white.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Manager #1: If I worked at this office every day, I'd never get anything done. You guys spend all your time walking around and socializing.
Manager #2: Now that's not true. I also spend a good amount of time in the bathroom.
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Back to Work
Teller: So how was your weekend?
Customer: Oh, it was all right...my husband died.
1600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: indigo
11AM Interviews (Cont'd)
Scheduler: So, I just called this girl in for an interview and she asks me what she should bring with her. Would you ever ask that? That's so weird. What should you bring? Some tennis balls and a racquet, what do you think you should bring?
700 South Henderson Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
4PM Interviews
CSR: That guy was such a moron! And he kept trying to tell me he had a
photographic memory. I thought to myself, "Yeah, well you must be out of film."
7350 Tilghman Street
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: jara
2PM Finalize Meeting Plans
Secretary #1: Everything tomorrow is going to be great but it won't be good coming in, especially if someone spills their load all over.
Secretary #2: Yeah really, that only causes more problems.
75 Great Valley Parkway
Malvern, Pennsylvania
4PM Order Grease
Co-worker #1: It's not always good to be the squeaky wheel.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, you really have to pick and choose your squeaky wheels.
833 Chestnut Street East
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker: So I said to myself, "Oh look, the bathrooms in building 12 have yellow tiles." Then I saw the urinals.
1110 American Parkway NE
Allentown, Pennsylvania
3PM Pee Party
Manager #1: I was looking for you.
Manager #2: All right. Well I gotta go to the bathroom so give me a minute.
Manager #1: I do too; I'll just come with you.
Worker: Hey guys, can I come too?
Manager #2: Sure, everyone can come. Come on everyone, we're having a pee party!
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM Out of Here
Co-worker #1: has Crazy [Don] come to see you yet?
Co-worker #2: Yeah. The first two weeks I was here he came over to my desk every day.
Co-worker #1: Did he ever make eye contact?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: He's crazy.
Co-worker #2: At least he's not trying to molest me.
3600 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: Are we still on for lunch at the strip club on Wednesday?
Worker #2: You bet. Is there really a lunch buffet there?
4 Gateway Center
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Matt
10AM Monitor Calls
Accountant on speaker: Okay, I tried entering my password and it didn't work.
Tech: I reset it to "password."
Accountant on speaker: Okay, let me try my password again.
Tech: Make sure you type "password."
Accountant on speaker: It didn't work again.
Tech: Iou typed far too many letters for the word "password." Did you type in "password" as your password?
Accountant on speaker: Yu never told me to do that.
Tech: So what part of my sentance confused you: "Type in the word
'password' when it asks you for your password", or "I reset it for you, your password is now 'password.'"
Accountant on speaker: I have a CPA, don't talk to me like that.
Tech: I can make up acronyms too. I'll be in your office in five
minutes. In the meantime, ponder this one: I'm OMGWTF certified.
220 Woodbine Road
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker: Dude, come look at my cubicle.
Manager: You mean you weren't working?
Worker: No, I had to decorate.
1700 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
4PM Research PDAs
Co-worker #1: If I sent the e-mail to [Duncan]'s BlueBerry, would he be able to open the attachment?
Co-worker #2: What's a BlueBerry?
Co-worker #1: You know, a PDA. Everyone up there has them.
Co-worker #2: I thought those were BlackBerrys?
Co-worker #1: No, they are blue, the black ones are last seasons's model. Look it up.
100 North 6th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jay
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker on phone: Isn't someone's name Forehand on the committee? It could be Foreskin.
3750 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM It's Like a Welcome Mat
Co-worker: Does the whole building smell like urine? Or is it just my cube?
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Get Update from Programming
Developer #1: Ooh, a SOAP exception.
Developer #2: "SOAP exception, unable to shower."
1601 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
2PM Schedule Beginner MSOffice Classes
Purchasing: Hey, can we print from Word?
Marketing: Ah...What?
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
12PM Training Seminar
Trainer: Oh, you wanna click there? Well you can't do that click until you're done clicking the other clicks.
Employees: ...
503 Martindale Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
3PM Finally, Some Downtime
Employee #1 is fixing his hair in the bathroom mirror.
Employee #2: You look handsome today.
The toilet flushes and out comes the firm's president.
President: Do you two want to be alone?
352 Chestnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: Will someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with [Josh]? When he gets up in the morning does he have some kind of funhouse mirror? Does he fucking see Tom Cruise when he looks in the mirror in the morning? Because when I look at him I just see an asshole.
Co-worker #2: Why?
Co-worker #1: He is bullshiting everyone and saying he slept with the new CSR.
Co-worker #2: Does it really matter? She don't speak English!
2801 Red Lion Road
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Cancel Cameras Order
Boss: You told me that before.
Office worker: How do you know?
Boss: I have a photogenic memory.
2 Walters Lane
Point Pleasant, Pennsylvania
10AM Contact Miami Offices
Senior Manager: [Justine] just asked me if you heard from the Miami system about the problem we had on Friday afternoon.
Manager: No. They were preparing for Wilma to hit them...oh, about now.
1400 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Conference
CSR: Here's the agenda. You'll notice my name is missing from the list because I plan on going home at 4PM.
Admin: I notice [Dawn] isn't on the list either.
CSR: That's because I figure wherever I put her on the list, she'll end up under the guy's table anyway.
3601 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Coordinator
10AM Update Insurance Data
Co-worker on phone: I just called to see if you were still pregnant.
30 South 17th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM Begin the Seething
Co-worker on phone: How many limbs did he lose?...Ha, ha, ha!...That's awful.
30 South 17th Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Order Supplies
Co-worker: Does anyone have a tissue?
Boss: I have a notepad.
1600 Technology Way
Latrobe, Pennsylvania
10AM Architects Meeting
Designer: So, there's two kinds of erections, right?
40 24th Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
2PM Pick Up Mail
Co-worker #1: Is [Hal] here?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: What should I do with the mail? Do you get it?
Co-worker #2: What do you do with the mail every day?
Co-worker #1: Put it on [Hal]'s desk.
Co-worker #2: Well then?
Co-worker #1: Well I wasn't sure. I forgot.
740 Sansom Street
Phiadelphia, Pennsylvania
3PM Cigarette Break
Salesman: Well, I worked my way up from a mechanic to a salesman, but I'm still treated like the low man on the scrotum pole.
625 Spring Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
1PM Go Out to Lunch
Co-worker: Avoid the bathroom in about an hour, you-know-who just sat down to eat some pea soup.
1 International Plaza
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: courtesy flush
3PM More Telling Words Were Never Spoken
Manager #1: Are we meeting sometime, today?
Manager #2: We already met.
Manager #1: Oh. Did I miss anything important?
Manager #2: Well, you missed the meeting.
19 N. 6th Street
Reading, Pennsylvania
7PM Just Go Reread That Last Line
Co-worker #1: After work I need to go to...to...that place where you take your mail to?
Co-worker #2: The post office?
Co-worker #1: No...The ups store.
Co-worker #2: You mean the UPS store.
Co-worker #1: I think so.
1225 State Street
Erie, Pennsylvania
1PM That's Totally Gonna Be on My Biz Cards
Employee #1: He made a big deal about some tiny mistakes I made in this one budget.
Employee #2: We sure as fuck don't get paid enough to do no perfect work up in this bitch.
610 Wall Avenue
Pitcairn, Pennsylvania
7AM He Can Put It By the Camera
Boss: You want a raise? You come back after three weeks of vacation and spend more time in the bathroom than you do working. Maybe I should install a timeclock in there.
107 Chesley Drive
Media, Pennsylvania
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
7PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Home, Everyone
Folks in our little cube farm were shutting things down to leave for the weekend, when a loud voice rose from one of the cubes: Just once I wish Microsoft Outlook would wait while I shut down!
1256 Porter Avenue
Bristol, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michael Leatherbury
12PM For a While, At Least
Consultant: Wow, this is really small.
Co-worker #1: Whenever I pull it out of the thingy it gets tiny.
Co-worker #2: Does it get bigger when you put it back in?
4 Country View Road
Malvern, Pennsylvania
6AM Thank God for LifeAlert
Announcement: We are currently experiencing a telephone outage. For
emergencies and medical conditions, please call [498-8565].
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
6AM The Tissues Were Doused in Self-love
Employee: Ew! You're dousing your sandwich in tabasco sauce!
Intern: I'm dousing it in self-hatred.
4 W. Oakland Avenue
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Vivian X
4PM One Man's Cubicle Cell is Another Man's Throne
Coworker: I am so not type A. No ambition! Woo hoo!
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12PM Someone Had to Tell the CEO
Woman across the hall: You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail.
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12AM Tales from the Car Dealership
Manager: Tell him we can sell it to him for 15,500.
Sales Rep: But we own it for, like, 21,600!
Manager: I know! But he ain't gonna buy it anyway!
Sales Rep: But what if he says "I'll take it!"? Then what?
Manager: Then you're fucked!
Sales Rep: Why am I fucked?
Manager: Cause you're the one telling him it's 15-fucking-5!
3243 Paxton Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Doug Pintarch
