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New York All Categories > Places > United States > Metro Northeast > New York
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12PM Well, What Are My Choices?
Worker bee #1: Have you ever been constipated?
Worker bee #2: Not severely.
Worker bee #1: Oh, it's horrible! I hate it! I would rather have diarrhea!
Worker bee #2: No, you wouldn't.
Worker bee #1: Oh, yes, I would! At least then you know there's going to be an end to it... It wears out.
Worker bee #2: Yeah, but with diarrhea you could have an accident.
Worker bee #1: Well, I didn't say that it was a choice between being constipated and having an accident. You don't alwayshave an accident.
110 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jaime
2PM I Wondered Why They'd Told Me to Use the Back Door
Casting assistant: I knew it was already dirty, but I was half way in and it was too late to turn back.
336 West 17th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubicle neighboor
10AM Though I'm Not Sure Why We Need Giant Paperclips
Female peon: Personally, I can handle four inches without a problem. Doesn't bother me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Yeah, He Aimed Her Right at Me
Coworker #1, to coughing coworker: You need the Heimlich?
Coworker #2, sharply: No!
Coworker #1: You remember when Donnie* gave Ellie* the Heimlich and she threw up all over?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
10AM ... And HR Will Reimburse You
Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that's what you need...
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Are You Unclear on What We Do Here?
Plaintiff: Yo, son, who is you to be judgin' me?
Civil court judge: I am the judge. It's my job to judge you.
Plaintiff: Whatever, yo.
Supreme Court
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: RP
5PM Until She Went "Peekaboo!"
Office girl #1: She couldn't find my cervix. My cervix!
Office girl #2: You do know everyone can hear you, right?
Office girl #1: No, no, wait -- she found it, she just couldn't see it!
43rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM When Gay Men Write Action Movie Scripts
Library worker to another: His hair was his Achilles' heel.
441 East Fordham Road, Fordham University's Walsh Library
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Krisztina
3PM Nebraska?
Fashionista: We live in the dumbest world on the planet.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM PETA May Have Gone Too Far This Time
Bimbette coworker: They're gonna skin your mother-in-law and give it to a zebra!
860 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?
Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?
42 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM NewsFlash: New Yorkers Cuss. Film at Eleven.
Big nose: What's your favorite swear or curse word?
Big ass: Fuuuck.
Big nose: What the fuck?
Big ass: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Big nose: It's so fucking hot.
Big ass: I'm gonna fuck you up.
Big nose: You are so fucked.
Big ass: I just got fucked.
Big nose: Wanna fuck?
Big ass: Fuck me. [Pause, then] Shit, my boss is coming.
Big nose: We'll resume this again tomorrow, Fuckface.
Big ass: Haha, you win.
Big nose: I always do.
130 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
11AM The Dirty Little Secret of American Musical Theater
Lady peon #1: Man. I gave my mom her Christmas gift last night -- you know, that DVD I got her yesterday -- Rent.
Lady peon #2: Yeah.
Lady peon #1: Then I had to sit through two hours of that shit.
Lady peon #2: Is it that bad?
Lady peon #1: Nah, it ain't that bad. It's just all that damn singing...
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jake
9AM But Now I'll Just Make a Bundle Suing You for Harassment
Teen employee: I'm so worried about getting into college. Although, I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
Middle-aged boss: You'd make a great stripper.
Teen employee: You know, I've considered it.
Bookstore
New York, New York
Overheard by: I guess I won't apply for a job after all
10AM Tides Me Over 'Til I Can Get Out to My Anarchist Compound
Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!
60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
9AM Or I Might Mock You and Never Let This Die
Australian employee: What's your expression for 'Back of the fag packet'?
American employee: First, you'll have to tell me what a 'fag packet' is. Then I might be able to help.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
10AM ... Than Having Him in the Oval Office for the Past Eight Years
Lawyer: If he was downstairs in the Girl Scout's uniform, that would've been even better.
43rd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM The Snatch Catch?
Female peon: Did you cock-block me last night?
Supervisor: No, I don't think so.
Male peon #1: Wait -- is there a female equivalent to the cock-block?
Male peon #2, after long pause: Vag glue?
East 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Chris J.
12PM But She's All, "I'm Three Years Old, Daddy!"
Boss: I need her strapped to her desk with a phone in her ear at all times... I need her making money.
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
9AM Why Do You Wheeze While Asking Me That?
Coworker #1: ... Kind of scary. I just don't know how I feel about that.
Coworker #2: It's not a big deal. It's a game. It's fun.
Coworker #1: Oh... So, wait -- do they eat the dreidel?
West 58th Street
New York, New York
3PM We're Right on Top of That, Senator
Coworker on cell: So, my friend was like, 'Dude, they might not let you get on a plane...' So how do I found out if there's a warrant out for my arrest?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
2PM So Why Has It Made Britney So Miserable?
Sweet-natured office chick: I'm starting to realize I'm just a selfish little bitch, and now I'm much, much happier!
Centre Street
New York, New York
11AM Relax -- Clearly Not about You
Coworker #1, writing a vacuum product description: Does 'extra long' have a hyphen in it?
Coworker #2: Dude, are you writing spam?
58th Street and 1st Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
1PM What? It Worked for Davy Crockett
Female coworker: First, let me choke a bear...
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades
Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM As Long As It Doesn't Cut into Our Coke-Snorting Time
Suit #1: So, where are we going?
Suit #2: Does it matter? We're going there.
Suit #1: I don't care about the food, I just want to know I can get a drink.
Suit #2: It's a lunch place, but yeah, it has a bar.
Suit #1: Good.
Suit #2: Is that all you're going to do for the next two weeks? Drink during lunch?
Suit #1: Mmm-hmmm.
Suit #2: Oh... I guess that's okay.
485 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Though He Has Been Tallying the Days in Crayon on His Crib Wall
Worker #1: How's everything with the baby?
Worker #2: He seems to be pleased with his accommodations. At least he hasn't complained verbally.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
5PM This Is My Concerned Face.
Lady suit: Well, if she is suicidal, she shouldn't be traveling alone...
Male suit, staring into distance: Mmm-hmmm.
Lady suit: ... Or drinking alone...
Male suit, staring into distance: Mmm-hmmm.
Penn Station
New York, New York
Overheard by: passerby
1PM ... How Many of You Believe I Am a Douchebag?
Conference call leader: Okay, so, by a show of hands...
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
9AM And I Was Too Busy Listening to the Voices to Really Watch It
Peon: I've never seen a real-life fire before... Except for the one I started when I was in college.
40th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whatever
4PM The Most Racy Thing an Engineer Has Ever Said
Engineer #1: Can I borrow these probes?
Engineer #2: Are you going to bring them back?
Engineer #1: Yeah, sure.
Engineer #2: Probes never come back. There's like a probe-hole somewhere. Like the same place socks go in the laundry.
Engineer #1: ... Did you just say 'probe-hole'?
Engineer #2: Ummm... Yes.
Rochester, New York
3PM Like This Conversation?
Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.
150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Which One You'd Be Friends with Says a Lot about Who You Are
Big boss at farewell party for employee: I stopped drinking soda a long time ago because I want to stop consuming all those fake sugars.
Young employee: I stopped buying soda along time ago, too, so I can have more money for alcohol.
Broadway and Wall Street
New York, New York
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description
Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.
498 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I care
11AM I'm No Longer Sure I Want to Get into This
Girl assistant: Well, how often do you move your bowels?
Queer assistant: You mean, like, sit-ups?
745 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: finance is funny
10AM So Abandon All Hope, Yadda Yadda Yadda
Vice president: I know it's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.
198 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM The Original Forrest Gump Script Left Something to Be Desired
Consultant describing different diagnostic tests to client: Gonorrhea is like a can of chili.
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM All I Meant Was You Seem to Need a Lot of Stimulation... Dammit!
Male manager to female assistant carrying two cups of coffee: Double fisting? ... Wow, sorry. I'm sorry.
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emily
11AM Have We Learned Nothing from the "Cock Diagram" Incident?
Secretary: Can you believe the new temp said her favorite movie was Blow?!
HR director: I am not familiar with that. Look up 'blow' on Google.
Accounting manager: I wouldn't do that if I was you.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM Try to Catch Me after My Mid-Morning Speed Break
Peon: Hey, can you help me with something?
Frazzled coworker: Honestly, I'm too wasted right now.
84th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: sagehen
2PM If He's Gonna Kill Me, I'm Going for Broke
Lady with sick cat: My husband is going to kill me if I spend any more money on this cat.
Man with dog: That's sad that you're married to someone that's like that. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my pets.
Lady with sick cat: You want to go get a beer after this?
Jersey Avenue
Port Jervis, New York
1PM While Your Coworker Holds It... What?
Lackey #1: My buddy tells me he exercises his cock in the shower by doing curls with a wet towel.
Lackey #2: That's ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to do that is by flexing your chode muscle all day long.
100 Wall Street
New York, New York
11AM Why Goats Wear Makeup: Explained
Worker guy: I'd rather have sex with a goat wearing no makeup than a goat with makeup.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: The Professor
5PM It's Been a Full Day All Around
Office grunt slamming down phone: I get an empty meal slot filled and you jizz all over me!
Columbus Circle
New York, New York
Overheard by: Standing Aside
4PM Got Your Claviers, Your Harpsichords -- Even Your Dulcimers
Worker #1: Luke*, you deal in organs, right?
Worker #2: Yeah, man. I got all that stuff.
Carlson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: watching my kidneys
2PM Oh, Okay -- Didn't Know It Was That Kind of Shower
Lady on phone: He's going to the baby shower? Holy shit. I know he's gay, but he has a penis.
825 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tami D'Intern
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Especially If You're Playing Cricket at the Time
Australian guy: Pardon my language, but my last boss was such a cunt.
Intern: I feel like it's more acceptable to say the C-bomb when you have an accent.
Spring Street
Oyster Bay, New York
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
12PM I Was Doing a Little Recreational Bleeding into My Brain
Creative director: I'm trying not to push myself today. I kind of had a spinal tap at three A.M.
29th Street
New York, New York
10AM Can the Other Driver Sue for Slander? Discuss.
Cabbie yelling out window to guy who cut him off: Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! [Gets out at red light, walks to offender's car, points his butt at and simulates farting on the car, then gets back into cab and yells out window again.] You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee!
Outside White Plains train station
New York
Overheard by: ccampoll
4PM The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!
Coworker on phone: You have to go East... How should I know? I don't know East from West!
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
10AM Note to Self: Stop Being Creepy
Lady peon: Beautiful day, isn't it?
Male peon: Sure is -- some fine weather here.
Lady peon: I hope it lasts, but I don't know about this weekend -- I've heard it might get cool.
Male peon: Yeah, that must be hard for women.
Lady peon: What?
Male peon: Yeah, it must hard trying to figure out what to wear -- shorts, skorts, capris, pants, skirts. Guys don't have that problem.
Lady peon: Okay. You have a good day.
Geneseo, New York
2PM I'm Not Crazy
Loud office chick: Oh, I always used to eat paper! But not, like, toilet paper. Like, notebook paper.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
2PM But Dr. Van Helsing Was There with a SpongeBob Bandage
Coworker, explaining Band-Aid inside his elbow: Dracula got me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
12PM Same Old Story: Boy Meets Girl, Nobody Knows What to Do Next
Mechanic: You smell like sex.
Female coworker: You mean I smell like you want to have sex with me? Or I smell like I just had sex? 'Cause... 'Cause there's a big difference.
Mechanic: Oh, the first one. You smell like I want to have sex with you.
Female coworker: Oh. I want to have sex with you, too.
Mechanic: [Silence.]
Female coworker: ... I mean, you smell. [Walks away with confused look on her face.]
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: He did kind of smell ... like sex.
1PM Zippo Pour L'Homme
Editor: I smell lighter fluid. Is that new cologne someone's wearing?
News building, 57th Street and 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nik
10AM Why Workplaces Should Have Principals' Offices
Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]
Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]
Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it's because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren't you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]
330 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dirty Librarian
3PM Might As Well Shave Your Head While You're at It
Female coworker, as another is delivered flowers: Every time I see the flower delivery guy I hope it's for me. I wish someone would send me something nice like that. Oh, well. I'll just take a piece of chocolate from the candy dish.
Male coworker: That's right, decrease your chances even further.
Route 110
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Drone
9AM After the Dessert, She Said, "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?"
Elegant old lady, as waiter comes around: ... I could say the same thing about S&M, but no. There's nothing wrong with S&M! [Waiter looks at her, aghast, and then starts laughing.] Oh... Um, I'll have the hazelnut gelato.
Elegant old male companion: And don't forget the whip!
Cafe Dante, MacDougal Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Me
4PM I Need It to Take My Mood Elevators
Cube rat #1: Um... Where'd they put the fridge that was here?
Cube rat #2: I don't know, but I had juice in there. With vodka in it.
63rd Street and Broadway
New York, New York
3PM On the Plus Side, Absenteeism Is Way Down
Boss: The body bags take up a lot of room.
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: P
1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.
Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?
34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Zoos
3PM We Could Call It the Swoosh Command, Sir
IT manager: You know, every application needs a command like that: 'File, just do it.'
West 3rd Street
New York, New York
10AM Listening Is the Critical Skill in Sales
Customer: Do you carry mattresses? [Sales woman looks confused.] Mattresses... Beds... Can you tell me where those are?
Sales woman, pointing at elevators: Oh, yes, right over there.
Customer, speaking slowly: No, I said, 'Where are the mattresses?' The beds... What floor?
Sales woman: Oh, I don't think we carry those. I thought you said 'elevator.'
Department store, Paramus Mall
Nyack, New York
Overheard by: RobynPuff79
1PM And the Pants
Voice from conference room: Give me back my shirt!
Large law firm
New York, New York
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
12PM They're Considering Sacking Us
Peon: I can't believe they're having us do this even though we're the low men on the scrotum pole!
Times Square
New York, New York
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
10AM So, in Summary, I'm Sorry about Your Desk
Male coworker: The first time I shit in school was in eleventh grade. It was during Chemistry, after gym class. It was on that day I became a man. Since then I'll shit anywhere, basically.
1372 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: ILmatic
4PM It's the Human Default Setting
Proofreader: Joe*, I'm confused.
Typesetter: Are you? That's perfectly normal.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
11AM Dude, Those Are Self-Sticking Stamps
Records department guy to another: It's great because it's flavored, so you don't get that nasty taste that you normally get.
1740 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM And She Doesn't Ask Any Questions.
Lady peon to another: Yeah, she lives in Yaphank. She shares her llamas.
789 Park Avenue
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Cara
9AM Beats the Hell Out of Watching Dancing with the Stars
Tech #1: So, why did the cops pick you up, again? For dressing like a transvestite?
Tech #2: Nah, for hitting my girlfriend. She clocked me back, though, and by the time the cops pulled up we were already making out.
W 28th Street
New York, New York
10AM Hoping to Be Reborn As a Gentile?
Worker bee: Do I smell bacon, or am I just having a really awesome stroke?
175 Remsen Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: cubicle island
1PM It's a Lovely Chenille
Employee: I didn't ask to be employee of the month -- the mantle was thrust upon me!
Housewares store
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
11AM You Know How She Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth?
Suit: You know, this whole process is like making out with your cousin.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Oh, Sure, Now That You Put It That Way
Coworker #1, carrying on secret relationship with #2: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Coworker #1: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Hospital
New York
1PM Consumers Resist the Next Generation of IPods
Worker lady: I told him, 'You're not going to get the whole thing in -- I have a small mouth and a gag problem.'
343 State Street
Rochester, New York
12PM As a Condition of His Parole
Suit #1: Well, what about Harry*? We could put him on the local board. He has a lot of connections around the city.
Suit #2: Wait, didn't he just get out of prison?
Suit #3: Eh, he's paid his debt to society. Plus, I'm sure he's looking for a job.
Conference room
New York, New York
4PM We Couldn't Even Give Away the Faux Faux-Leather Ones
Make-up counter girl: ... And can I interest you in our free gift?
Customer: Sure! What is it?
Make-up girl: It's a real faux leather bag!
Department store, 34th Street
New York, New York
3PM Any Normal Kid in Boy's Town
Smoking peon: I was like any normal kid -- give me a Butane Torch, and I'm gonna burn everything I can find.
22nd Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Christina
2PM What? The Man Needs a Branch Manager
Clerk #1: My boss is bad off because he ain't had a BM for weeks.
Clerk #2: Ass-kisser.
Central Park West and 71st Street
New York, New York
11AM Afford Homes
Peon #1: Yeah, I got the printer from this place that sells refurbished computers. Homeless people do it.
Peon #2: Ahhh, homeless people. What can't they do?
12 Desbrosses Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace
9AM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Coworker #1: When she [pregnant supervisor] saw what we did here, she almost had her baby.
Coworker #2: In a bad way?
Coworker #3: Nobody has a baby in a good way!
640 5th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Oh, That Customer Again?
Cube rat: How do you say 'ejaculation' in Pig Latin?
11 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
10AM Sorry, Feminist Theory Is Down the Hall
Professor: So, you see how within Foucault's understanding power always returns, because it is in the very organization of our thoughts?
Student in back row: Those sons of bitches!
2001 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
9AM Great Work, John.
Boss: How long do I still have to wait for those reports?
Worker: Steve* is doing the final results. [Both stare at Steve.]
Steve, coming out of a reverie: A polar bear is as tall as an elephant!
New York, New York
Overheard by: WTF
4PM Blamestorming Is a Critical Part of the Planning Process
VP, jokingly: ... And this is the part of the project where we'll assign blame when we have to.
Marketing manager: We're expecting blame?
VP: Oh, sure -- blame is like water: it gets through any cracks and always works its way downwards.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
2PM Rocky IV Put Her into a Deep Depression for Weeks
Male peon: I'm confused... What ever happened to the dad on Good Times? Did he actually die?
Lady peon: I don't think so, but I'm going to be really sad when Carl Weathers dies.
51st Street and Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
11AM I Promise Never to Play My Waterfall CD in the Office Again
HR drone: I apologize for any incontinence this may have caused.
Yonkers, New York
3PM "Janey's Got a Gun"?
Music industry worker: I want to hear that one pretty song about her dad dying.
150 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Large and Cold and Benign?
Worker #1: Did you vote?
Worker #2: I can't vote.
Worker #1: Why not?
Worker #2: I'm not a citizen.
Worker #1: You're from here, no?
Worker #2: No, I'm from Canada.
Worker #1: Oh... You don't look like a Canadian.
45 Rockefeller Center
New York, New York
11AM Bring a Friend
Male coworker: When are you going to come out of your cave and socialize?
Female coworker: Why don't you just come in my cave?!
810 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hmmm... Maybe I will
9AM Pointless Self-Glorification?
Employee emerging from stockroom, singing: Tookie's in the house! Y'all already know what he's about!
Office supply store
New York, New York
Overheard by: NCS
9AM I Wouldn't Wait, If I Were You
Loud lady peon: Hey, Sheryl*, whenever you want to come over here and smell me, go ahead!
Fairchild Court
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: Tina
5PM Fridge: Beginning Ice Dump. Overwrite BIOS?
Lab rat #1: What was the IT guy doing here?
Lab rat #2: Connecting the refrigerator to the Internet... There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Fordham University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Andrea
11AM Mrs. Clinton Takes Care to Maintain Her Authority
Boss, yelling in gruff voice: Mine's bigger!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
2PM As Required by the Lesbian Code
Female coworker: ... And you know what she did? She went to hug me, and when she did they shot her.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM After Luring and Shooting It
Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body.
100 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: C-Rizzy
10AM How You Know You're Spending Too Much Time with Your Coworkers
Young blonde secretary: My boyfriend's in jail. He's got another year to go.
Avuncular man: Why do you need this loser? Is this the best you can do?
Young blonde secretary: I don't know. I guess I should break up with him, but I don't know why I don't.
Avuncular man: How can you not know? If you saw a child smearing chocolate all over the walls and you asked him, 'Why are you doing that?' and he said, 'I don't know,' what would you say to him?
Young blonde secretary: I'd say, 'Stop it!' ... So I guess I should just stop it, huh?
Avuncular man: And if he didn't stop, you'd slap the shit out of him, wouldn't you?
Young blonde secretary: Yeah... But I don't know why I don't stop.
Avuncular man: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but if you were my daughter, I'd slap some sense into you.
Young blonde secretary: Yeah, my father has tried that.
Avuncular man: Apparently he didn't slap you hard enough.
Secretary's boss, walking into room: Are you talking about your boyfriend again?
Lawyer's office
Rockville Center, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
9AM That's How I Stole My PlayStation in the First Place
Guy eating lunch: Yeah, Grand Theft Auto is kind of violent, but it's fun to run people over!
HR woman: My favorite thing to do is pick up the prostitute, bring her into an alley, you do your business, and then you shoot her in the head and take your money back. [Two minutes later] I also like to beat up old ladies...
111 8th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Like Ted Kennedy
Cube rat: Do you realize that it's 2007 and we're still sharing the planet with fucking animals?
210 East 43rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Dear Diary, My Plan Worked! Off to Buy Tequila.
Tech director to stagehand in pink jacket: Okay, new rule -- you can come to work drunk, but you can't dress up.
Washington Park
Albany, New York
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
9AM Small Wonder We're Losing the War on Terror
Cube rat #1: So I woke up on the train, and my panties were gone! They stole them shits! How ghetto is that?!
Cube rat #2: Fo' real?
Cube rat #1: And they was the Victoria Secret ones!
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM He Would've Just Used Them for Sex... Oh, Wait.
Bimbette employee: I mean, like, if you gave Thomas Jefferson the Internet, he totally wouldn't have freed the slaves.
Department store
New Hartford, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
9AM But This Is a Four-Person Office!
Boss: Don't do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don't really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
12PM My Money's Still on the Chimpanzee
IT guy: Who do you think would win in a fight, Daffy or Donald Duck?
Sales manager: Hmmm...
IT guy: You know, never mind. You're too biased.
Union Square
New York, New York
4PM Now Get Me Some Sandy Taupe Coffee
New hire looking at spreadsheet: So, the blue fields are--
Supervisor, interrupting: --Blue? That's not blue, it's cyan. Are you colorblind?
430 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Roy G. Biv
3PM Men Seem to Prescribe That for Everything
Male employee: Do you know what you really need right now?
Female employee: I need coffee.
Male employee: No, you really need to get laid. Now.
419 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
1PM I'm Tired of Dating Doughboys
Jersey office girl: Hey, my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: Dumpling?
Jersey office girl: Yeah! You're my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: A dumpling is not so nice. I'd rather be a bread stick.
West 28th Street
New York, New York
12PM A Nuclear Holocaust? No.
Editor: Is there any way this can technically be swept under a virtual rug?
Two Penn Plaza
New York, New York
3PM That Goes Double for You, Bob
Manager: Okay, bitches. At this beach party I want y'all to take care of business down South. I don't want no hairy pussy to attack me while I'm tanning. [All female coworkers nod and walk away.]
Fulton Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: coworker
1PM All I Said Was "Hi"
Intern: My uterus is dry-heaving.
Supervisor: Wow.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
5PM Guess the Word Is Out
Lady peon: Okay, who put these condoms on my desk?
101 West 31st Street
New York, New York
10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"
CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: hiding under my desk
9AM While He Was Trying for a Nice Piece of Assonance
Male cube rat: I need a word that rhymes with 'vaginal.'
Female cube rat #1: Why?
Male cube rat: I'm writing a poem.
Female cube rat #1: What kind of poem has the word 'vaginal' in it?
Male cube rat: Don't interrogate me. Just help me out.
Female cube rat #2: This poem isn't about me, is it?
Male cube rat: I'll bet Alfred Lord Tennyson didn't have to put up with a bunch of fucking questions.
Insurance company
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM So They'll Have Lots to Polish
Exec assistant on phone: They're gay boys, so... you know... maybe a little more stainless steel...
47th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM And by Nice, I Mean "How Soul-Destroyingly Gauche"
Office girl #1 in skimpy outfit gathering promotional material: You look whipped.
Office girl #2: Yeah... I had a date. I didn't get home until four A.M.
Office girl #1: I didn't get to sleep until four A.M., either, but that's because I was having sex... with my man...
Office girl #2: Yeah, I was at a bar. It was the first date. We got really drunk and I rode him in the booth.
Office girl #1: Nice.
1142 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hellooo... I am sitting right here!
11AM That's What I Think of Pleated Khakis on Men
Product manager: So, it's a win-win situation, but without the wins.
70 East 55th Street
New York, New York
5PM Tonight's Movie: Debbie Does Droids
Lady peon, imitating a robot: I love you. I love you, too. We should swap transmission fluids.
135 West 50th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lowly Human
4PM You've Dropped an Ice Cube in Your Stomach?
Worker #1: See this article on how ice makes you gain weight?
Worker #2: That's so true, because if you drop an ice cube in your stomach it has to melt before it can be absorbed.
Staten Island
New York
2PM People without Boundaries Need Special Handling
Friendly worker guy: Hey, you guys -- I just took one sip of this energy drink and I don't really want it. Does anyone want it? [No one answers. A few minutes later] Hey, you guys -- there is a lot of turkey on this sandwich. Does anyone want some?
Normal worker guy: Hey, you guys -- I've had this peanut M&M in my mouth for four days. Does anyone want it?
12th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: social
4PM Is This Gonna Get Me Fired?
Female worker to another: I was gonna show you something. You wanna go to the ladies' room?
Seneca Street
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: MonkeyPantaloons
10AM Denver Wife or New York Wife?
Assistant: Keith*, Melanie's* on the phone.
Keith: Who is that?
Assistant: Your wife.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Would That Help?
Coworker #1: Yo, I need a shredder for all my junk mails that I get. I get mad junk mail at home.
Coworker #2: You print out all your junk e-mail?!
27th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Michael
4PM Better Ask Somebody Your Own Age, Kiddo
Six-year-old girl at front desk: Do I look sexy?
1 Main Street
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: Switters
3PM It Won't Get Out of Bed for Less Than 10 Thousand
Employee on phone: You couldn't pay your dick three thousand dollars to work!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: jen
12PM Translation: I Don't Want to Understand Computers
Tech guy: The mouse won't work if it's off.
Coworker: You said reboot! I thought that meant to turn the computer off. I don't understand computers.
Midtown
New York, New York
11AM That Kind of Unpredictability Is Half the Fun
Manager: It starts on the first half, and all of a sudden we're on the next-to-last half.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM I'd Rather Have Been Out of the Loop on All of That
Male cube rat: I got all excited because she said she needed blood money!
Female cube rat: Blood money?
Male cube rat: Yeah. But she just wanted quarters for the tampon machine.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM And Wandering in Traffic?
Admin assistant: I hear that Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually have an open relationship.
India-Indian boss: Well, it is no surprise since she does not want to get married.
Admin assistant: I guess you're right.
India-Indian boss: I mean, why buy the milk when that cow is just outside?
685 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
4PM I Blame Our Support Staff
Grunt #1: Shit, the bombs aren't in the bags.
Grunt #2: Awww, fuck it. Let's go get a hamburger.
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thrax
4PM Even More Painful Than It Sounds
Cube dweller #1: What is Gerald* doing?
Cube dweller #2: Re-routing the booter.
250 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
12PM Only an Atomic Wedgie Can Save Me!
Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
4PM But As a Paralegal? No.
Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?
Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]
Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!
575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Thank Goodness for Prosthetic Backbones
Secretary: Did Taryn* come back from the doctor's?
Chart drone: Yeah, she said the doctor put a stiffener in her.
Secretary: Good, that will help her.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: phoenix, best analyst ever
3PM Or at Least Faking a Seizure?
Female paralegal: I was in the bank the other day and I saw this cop -- oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I wanted to hold up the bank just to get his attention.
Male lawyer: Ever think of saying hello?
Cafeteria, Supreme Court
Nassau County, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
11AM Right after Our Mandatory Three PM Mani/Pedi
Supervisor: Hey, we're all here today... Let's have a meeting!
Employee #1: About what?
Employee #2: American Idol!
Financial center
New York, New York
Overheard by: working hard
1PM Can You Convert That to Gimlets?
Banker: What will 50 pounds get me in London?
Analyst: You want the currency translation?
Banker: No.
Analyst: Okay then, 25 beers!
2215 43rd Avenue
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Olivia
9AM Can't Get More Gangsta Than Egyptian Vultures
Office peon #1: Yo, you watch that Animal Planet?
Office peon #2: Oooh, one time I saw this bird -- he use a rock like a hammer! Dropped it on a egg, cracked it open... Gangsta, son! Gangsta!
New York, New York
5PM What Made Her Decide to Have That Surgery?
Chick to coworker: Ohhh, okay. Maybe she should stop getting f-ed in the nose. It's only gonna make her uglier.
Upper West Side
New York, New York
3PM Details Available Upon Request
Male colleague: Feeling any better?
Female colleague: Sort of.
Male colleague: Did you go make yourself throw up?
Female colleague: No, I can't do that.
Male colleague: Oh, you're one of those people. I can do it on command. I have a very weak sphincter.
530 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: ap
2PM Dad? Dad!
Old man: An hour I'm waiting here! What's the point in making appointments if they make you wait?
Middle-aged son: What's your hurry, Dad? You have no place else to go.
Old man: That's not the point! When they make an appointment they should take you in at that time!
Middle-aged son: Hey, Dad, that's why they call it a 'waiting room.' See all these people? They all have appointments, too.
Old man: When I see that doctor I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Middle-aged son: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dad. One little injection and they'll carry you out of here dead, and nobody's gonna ask why a 91-year-old man died suddenly.
Doctor's waiting room
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Actually, It's Our Co-Worker, Rita
Office peon orienting a temp: And this, well, it may look like a copier, but it's really--
Temp: --A space ship?
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
3PM We Ended Up Hiring the Stoner Ex-Con with Style
Manager: We didn't hire him because he wore Hush Puppies.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whitney
4PM I Think I Have to Go Home Sick
Cube rat playing with promotional sticky ball: When I hold this ball too long my hand starts to smell.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM Or Throw the File behind the Radiator and Hope No One Notices
New girl: How do you file your customer requests?
Veteran: By subject.
New girl: But what if there are two subjects in one request?
Veteran: You pick one.
116th and Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Aren't You a Little Curious about the Monkey Pushing the Mail Cart?
Boss: I have no idea what goes on, and that's the way I like it!
Balltown Road
Schenectady, New York
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
3PM On the Plus Side, I've Lost Five Pounds Since We Became Friends
Queer temp on phone: God, I hate Lynn*! I can never spend any long periods of time with her because we can never eat. Why does she have to be anorexic? Why can't she just be bulimic so she can at least eat with me and then puke it all up later? Hell, she can even use my finger or toothbrush!
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
12PM Addictive and Bad for Your Teeth
Editor #1: I've developed a really bad habit.
Editor #2: What?
Editor #1: A can of Mountain Dew in the afternoon.
Editor #2: Be careful -- Mountain Dew is the crystal meth of sodas.
770 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fax Machine
2PM Bridget Jones on the Fire Pole?
Valley girl: I could not believe it -- they were showing her vah-jay-jay over and over.
Office bathroom, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
9AM The Streets Are Filled with Earnest Strivers, Though
Straight cube girl: Straight people are a dime a dozen! It's hard to find a good lesbian lover. You, of all people, should know that.
Straight cube guy: I know, I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM We're Highly Motivated to Accomplish the Mission
Supervisor: You were loud.
Underling: We were just talking.
Supervisor: You were screaming.
Underling: Well, we always scream.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Since I'm about to Saddle You with a Ton of Paperwork
Coworker #1: Did you drive or take the train today?
Coworker #2: Train.
Coworker #1: What time are you leaving?
Coworker #2: I don't know...
Coworker #1: Oh, I think I'm leaving before that.
Office building, 47th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Plus, They're Doing Amazing Things with GPS These Days
Indian woman: I gave my 11-year-old son his introduction to sex last night.
White woman: Uh... What did you do with him?
Indian woman: I explained to him everything he needed to know. It's part of our traditions.
White woman: You explained to him about orgasms, and where the clitoris is?
Indian woman: Oh, yes, and I was quite surprised to find out how much he already knew.
White woman: Such as...?
Indian woman: He told me he knew what the G-spot was, and how to find it.
White woman: Where would an 11-year-old boy learn about things like that?
Indian woman: From his friends. Many of them have sisters and mothers who they have seen in the nude.
White woman: Well, uh, good luck.
DMV office
Westbury, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM If That's Not Normal, I Don't Want to Know What Is!
Metrosexual CSR: I don't know -- I just feel like most normal straight men shouldn't know all the lyrics to Rent.
915 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM Doctor, We've All Developed These Murderous Impulses
Old coworker: You don't know anything about the Beatles.
Young coworker: Sure I do. They were influenced by the Monkees.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Shaun G
12PM Why Is Blackwater Security Even Doing a Children's Project?
Employee digging for appropriate giveaway for children's project: Let's see what we got... Oooh, a grenade! Kids love grenades!
Noho
New York, New York
3PM It's a Free-Range Office
Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Manager: Well, that depends on where you're coming from.
Client: Oh, really? How does that work?
Huntington, New York
11AM And Fourth, If You Ever Incorrectly Cite That Movie Again, You're Fired
Guy in jeans and flip flops walks into office at 11 a.m. and high-fives two employees on the way.
Newbie in suit: Dude, he's totally pulling an Office Space. We better watch him -- he might set the building on fire. Or start gutting fish at his desk.
Cube dweller: Okay, first of all, that was Milton who set the building on fire, not Peter Gibbons. Second, it's Casual Friday, which is probably why he's dressed like that. And third, he doesn't work here.
Insurance office
Long Island, New York
4PM Or Just Kick Him Like Usual?
Phone rep: Yes, Jerry* is here. Would you like me to punch him?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah R
1PM The Rangers Go Recruiting Again
Values trainer, on being equal opportunity employer: ... And, just so you know, the Midwest office gave an offer to a paraplegic last month. He's paralyzed from the neck down -- can't move anything below the neck. So there's a great example of the firm walking the talk.
55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
9AM We Prefer "Like a Baby on a Cobra"
Guy on video conference: I'll be on it like a pit bull on a third grader.
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
2PM Can They Hear Us from Here?
Intercom: This is an announcement: check your phones to see if they have a dial tone. If they don't, call Administration and let them know.
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: jb
9AM Explains How Full House Stayed on the Air for So Long
Coworker #1: Did you watch The Office last night?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I was pretty high, so I don't remember if the parts that I thought were funny actually happened.
3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Bunny
3PM Plus, We'll Get Utilities and Free Parking
Waitress #1: I can't tuck this corner. I suck at folding napkins.
Waitress #2: We should just make a monopoly line with this.
Waitress #1: [Stares blankly.]
Waitress #2: You know, a monopoly line? I'll start it, you finish it. We'll get this done faster.
34 Cooper Square
New York, New York
5PM Dr. Strangelove Left Out That Part
Receptionist #1: Well, it's not like you need the money.
Receptionist #2: I could use it, though...
Receptionist #1: But it's, like, life-threatening surgery.
Receptionist #2: It's life-threatening? [Receptionist #1 answers phone.] It's life-threatening?!
Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubiclelove
9AM Get Sober, Write a Book, Yada Yada Yada
Office grunt: These days if you don't find your passion as a kid you'll end up a drug addict.
250 West 54th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: jillysays
10AM The Less I Know about Christmas, the Better
Blonde desk assistant: When is Christmas this year?
Editor: Tuesday, I think.
Blonde desk assistant: No, I mean what day? Like, the 25th?
Editor: Um... Yeah. The 25th.
Blonde desk assistant: But I thought that was Christmas Eve! When is Christmas Eve, then? [Editor stares.] Give me a break -- I'm a Jew.
TV station broadcast center
New York, New York
Overheard by: News Bunny
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
3PM The Odds Are Against It
Customer: Do you guys have any rooms available?
Front desk: No, sir. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out. If you like, I can give you the number of a few hotels in the area that have availability.
Customer, leaving and giving the finger: Does it look like I have a goddamn phone on me?
Front desk: I'd be more than happy to call them for you, sir.
Customer: Fuck you.
Front desk: Okay, sir. Have a wonderful night.
Elmira, New York
10AM Make Sure They Put It in a Box
Pizza worker: Hello, XYZ Pizza* -- will this be for pick up or delivery?
Customer: Delivery, but we will come in to pay for it.
Pizza worker: Pardon me? Do you want your order delivered or will you pick it up?
Customer, to someone in background: Do you want to just pick the food up if we are going in there anyways? [Into phone] I guess we will pick the food up.
Lackawanna, New York
9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail
Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.
District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?
Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?
Secretary #2: No, why?
Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.
278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York
11AM This Is Exactly How Patrick Stewart Got Started, I Swear
Producer on phone with actor she wants to put in taco suit: We're a little ways from Shakespeare in the Park, I know...
110 Leroy Street
New York, New York
12PM It's a Hot-Button Issue for Elephant-Americans
Cube dweller #1: You like chunky peanut butter, don't you?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I do.
Cube dweller #1: Pervert.
135 East 57th Street
New York, New York
11AM Poor Little Tommy Was Spontaneously Digested on Stage
Worker bee: Well, there were enzymes in the ham costume...
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: busy like a bee
3PM "You Are Beautiful in a Way That's Unfamiliar to Me" Would Be Okay
Financial analyst: Guys will say, 'Oh, Asian women are so exotic,' like we're a commodity. I'm not a rug!
Wall Street
New York, New York
10AM He's Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion
Man in armchair, to no one: You're always fuckin' starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I'm not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I'm sick... Read a goddamn newspaper! There's child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they're fighting over her baby, and you tell me I'm sick?!
Book store
Greece, New York
Overheard by: confused reader
5PM Why Barry Got the Freudian Pink-Slip
Peon: Uh, Jim*, do you have anywhere I can put a floppy dick? ... Uh... Disk?
Jim: Niiice.
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: defragment my hard-drive
9AM Which Have Their Own Fan Base
Sales girl: Gérard Depardieu has weird balls.
Abbot Kinney
Venice, New York
12PM When You Get Vestibular Guacamole, Don't Come Crying to Me
Girl on phone: It's like, 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,' but in your case, 'A burrito, a burrito, the health of my inner ear for a burrito.' It's truly sad.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM ... And Called Out of Work Lucid
Cashier to friend: One morning I woke up sober...
Clothing store
Houston Street
New York, New York
12PM You Really Don't Need a Monster Truck in the City
Office peon #1: I went to see monster trucks.
Office peon #2: I can't see you watching monster trucks.
Office peon #1: It was so disappointing. You think there's going to be all this destruction, but it's really just a lot of smoke and noise. A flaming man did fall from the ceiling, though. That was pretty cool.
90 5th Avenue
New York, New York
10AM I'm One Cosmo Quiz Away from Sexual Mastery
Office girl #1: Oh, I love Jane magazine.
Office girl #2: What's that?
Office girl #1: It's a chick magazine, but not so girly. That's why I like it.
Office girl #3: That's why I hate it -- it has, like, articles.
45 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: RaRa
2PM So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?
Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe... What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh... Happy birthday.
377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: tonyg
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
9AM Go Go Gadget Fake-Smile!
Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!
620 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM You're on Thin, Black Ice
White grunt #1: I'm going to the deli. You guys want anything?
Black grunt: I'll wait till lunch.
White grunt #2: Can you spot me a cup of coffee? This time with cream and sugar?
White grunt #1: I thought you were a black man.
White grunt #2: I am a black man.
Black grunt: Shit.
New York, New York
10AM Management Zombies Also Eat the Brains of the Living
Office grunt: I don't know where he gets it from... No, wait, I know where he gets it from -- he sucks the energy of others.
Software office
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
4PM Nah, the Wisdom Of the East Side
Chinese coworker: Where did my customer go? She was there a minute ago and now she's disappeared.
White coworker: She probably went to the bathroom.
Chinese coworker: Maybe her baby was drowning in the bathroom and she had to go rescue it.
White coworker, after long pause: What the fuck is that, an old Chinese proverb?
50th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: cp
11AM I'm Wearing My Power Tights
Office dweller: Well, if I need to look more professional I'll just take off my pants.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Pandora
10AM The Fate of an Entire Ball's Trajectory Rests in His Young Hands
Outraged peon, about Phil Hughes: This kid is 21 years old! Twenty-one! What were you doing at 21? Going to class? Drinking beer? This kid has the most important job in the world... and he is only 21!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Feeling bad for others
12PM At the Law Firm of Nasty, Brutish and Short
Maintenance guy: You gotta get your key out real quick or they're gonna swing an ax.
420 Western Avenue
Albany, New York
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"
Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
1PM Mr. Ness Monster, How Kind of You to Make It Today
Trainer during computer training class: Now, everyone use their last name and first initial as their user name and password.
Trainee #1: I did that and it says I don't exist.
Trainee #2: Me, too.
Trainee #3: Same here.
Trainer: Raise your hand if you don't exist. [Almost entire class raises their hands.]
Meek voice from the back: I exist.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
11AM Show 'em How an American Works Himself to Death
American client: Aren't we supposed to receive last month's results soon?
French staffer: Normally, yes, but Easter was only last Sunday.
American client: So?
French staffer: Well, it means we're only in the first week of a two-week holiday. So everything will be ready in three weeks.
American client: What? Do those fucking socialist dicksippers really have two weeks off for Easter?! You know, when I retire I'm going to work in France.
125 West 55th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jean val Jean
9AM Your Ideas All Have Two Tails and Misshapen Heads
Male coworker: It's like the client is the ovum -- no... No... Yes, the ovum. And my ideas are the sperm and the boss is the scrotum and the creative department is the shaft and my sperm keep on trying to get in the egg -- they try and they try -- and some of them are strong and good swimmers and some are, like, dormant--
Female coworker, interrupting: --Stop.
Ad agency
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dr Phyllis
12PM No Secrets on the Internet
Hobo: You can't make me stay here! Fuck you! I'm leaving!
White nurse: Get out, then! Leave!
Hobo, to black nurse: How you doin', chocolate thunder?
White nurse, laughing: That's totally your porn name.
27th Street and 1st Avenue
New York, New York
5PM At the Science Friction Convention
Announcement over PA: If anyone has taken Maureen's* K-Y Jelly, please return it immediately.
W 66th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: wondering why its needed
1PM But Otherwise It's Totally Synthetic Furniture for Me
Suit: I'd do it just to say I had hair on my ass.
385 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
12PM But I Think We've Tapped into a Potential Goldmine
Chick #1: Did you know that they're making Coke kosher for Passover?
Chick #2: [Blank stare.]
Chick #1: They're putting sugar in it.
Chick #2: [Continues to stare.]
Chick #1: Normally, it has corn syrup in it.
Chick #2: ... Oh! The soda!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mardi
3PM I Didn't Say You'd Contributed Much
Cube rat girl: You've really contributed to my progress as a human being. Like, I've learned all these new terms from you. Like 'owned,' and 'oh, word?' And 'meh'!
Cube rat guy: See? So what would your life be like without me?
Cube rat girl: Well, I think pretty much the same, but with a few less words.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off
Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.
2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York
12PM Being Filled with Salty Remorse
Chick shoving sandwich at guy: Do you want this?
Guy: No, why? You don't want it?
Chick: No, I'm stuffed. I just had an ass-load of salami.
Guy: So, what does that feel like?
401 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brooklynhero
5PM That's Not Baggage -- Those Are Wedding Gifts
Suit hanging up phone: I am so done with married chicks -- they have too much baggage.
3250 42nd Street
New York, New York
3PM Plus, You Know How They All Make Sweeping Generalizations
Suit #1: He was an okay analyst and he knew a lot about the markets, but--
Suit #2, interrupting: --So what was the problem?
Suit #1: Well, he was from the South so he couldn't write very well.
110 Wall Street
New York, New York
12PM The "T" Is Silent but Deadly
Receptionist: Farce? Is that like farts?
352 7th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM The Goats Don't Care for It, Though
Lab guy on cell: What did you just say to me? Oh, goat porn! Yeah, I like goat porn, too.
Science center
Long Island, New York
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'll try and be nicer to them from now on
5PM A Little Cerebral, Though
Suit: I don't like movies with subtitles. You spend all your time reading instead of watching the movie.
Lady suit: Uh-huh.
Suit: Oh, I saw Wild Hogs this weekend. It was a hoot.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
10AM He's Been Cultivating That Line Since the First Time He Saw Ethan Hawke
Old coworker: What the hell is that on your chin?
Hipster coworker: I'm growing out my goatee.
Old coworker: Why the fuck would you do that?
Hipster coworker: A girl last night at the bar told me it looks sexy.
Old coworker: It looks like a buffer pad for a high speed cocksucker.
43 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: You'll Get Crumbs In It
9AM If You Want Something Done, Straddle a Busy Person
Boss: She straddles a lot of balls in the air. She has the energy to straddle all of these balls.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Exactly How I Get People to Work Weekends
Senior manager: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Kid on speakerphone: If you were here, you'd know.
42nd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Like Its Namesake
Editor: Did he use the word 'genitalia' at all?
Older editor: Or 'goodies'?
20-something female reporter: It's such a Latin-sounding word.
Older editor: I know, 'goodies' really is.
20-something female reporter: Genitalia. It's such a beautiful word. It just rolls right off the tongue.
Newsroom, Main Street
Cortland, New York
Overheard by: Quietly Working at My Desk
11AM Some Lives May Be Better Unexamined
Canadian arborist: Check it out. I can streamline the camera in the town square back at home in Brandon. I called my dad and told him to drive by and wave. Sometimes, if you watch long enough, you can see someone crash.
Westchester, New York
4PM But It Looks Like It's Me, and Not the Room
Associate: What's up, Dave*? Did you get a promotion?
Managing director at secretary's desk: No, I just hate the person I've become when I'm in my office.
452 5th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM ... The Bank, Too? You're Killing Me Here!
Manager: Where is the post office? Who even goes to the post office? That's just stupid!
Canal Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM If You Know What I Mean
Coworker: In five seconds I'm giving up and giving my fish a bath.
1275 Broadway
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Sally
3PM Therapeutically and Preventatively
Chick: Nice flowers!
Dude: Yeah, I had a bad day yesterday and treated myself. You ever have one of those?
Chick: Yeah, but I just drink.
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Are You Kidding? He's Just a Great Actor
Bummed coworker: Aw, man. That's like when I figured out that Bugs Bunny was gay.
14th and 5th
New York, New York
9AM And I've Got a Runny Coke-Sniffer
Intern to friend: My dancing-on-the-bar muscles hurt!
Elevator
New York
1PM That, and an iPod Nano
Temp: I, like, can't believe I don't have herpes yet.
1212 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
3PM Its Job Is Done
Rail-thin colleague: Do you know that when you're pregnant your brain actually physically shrinks?
Pregnant colleague: Oh, don't tell me that! Everything else gets bigger, and my freaking brain shrinks?!
415 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fertile Bystander
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
1PM The Meditations of Barkus Aurelius
Peon #1: It's written mostly from the perspective of the dog...
Peon #2: So is it fiction?
Publisher's office
New York, New York
10AM Better Known As Rebecca of Baker Street Farm
50-ish coworker: Oh, 'Shelly'... I thought it said her name was Shirley Temple. You know who Shirley Temple is?
20-ish coworker: Wasn't she the detective who went around solving crimes? No, wait, that's Sherlock Holmes.
31 Chambers Street
New York, New York
11AM Your Cubicle Seems to Have Reached the Saturation Point
Intern on third day of work: This is probably something I should have asked the first day, but... where's the men's room?
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Now I Drive the Truck
Ad lady: Yeah, I was always the one who rolled around on the floor and threw myself under a truck, but not anymore.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
9AM Otherwise You May Call Back
Employee: Okay, I'm going to hang up now, but I want you to continue talking.
524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
5PM As It Is, My Thighs Are Badly Chafed
Coworker #1: I saw you on the train this morning. You should have sat with me.
Coworker #2: Why didn't you say hello when we got off?
Coworker #1: You were, like, speed racer walking towards the building, and I waddle. Waddlers can only move so fast, and I had maxed out.
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: A Fellow Waddler
3PM Maybe I'll Start Walking to KFC from Now On
Female coworker to male: I wish I could sweat like you. Then I wouldn't be so fat.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM Henrietta Learns That a "Body Shaper" Is Just a Girdle in Disguise
Large woman: You just watch out. I'm going to come over there and squeeze you the way they squeeze me.
30th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
2PM Why the Office Blowtorch Was Retired
Phone rep: If I were my eyebrows where would I be?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM They Were Both Rash Acts
Employee: That astronaut chick had to be totally nuts to put on a diaper and drive 13 hours to whack that other woman.
Boss: Well, astronauts do have to wear diapers in space. She probably had some around the house.
Employee: Oh? So it's part of her culture.
Boss, laughing: When the cops finally caught her, she calmly said, 'This was a bad idea.'
Employee: The gun or the diapers?
7 West 29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fabio
4PM And Someone Stole My Paddle to Prop Up a Table
Manager roaming the halls: I want to hurt somebody.
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Dave
3PM Last Year Was a Bad-Touch Trade Show
Lou*: Who do I call to get a shirt for the trade show?
Jen*: You email Erin*.
Lou: Can I just copy you in so I have a witness that this year I ordered a men's shirt?
Lake Success, New York
11AM Cut Scenes from Midnight Cowboy
Bus driver: Your bus pass isn't working.
Passenger: Sorry, man, it should. I just got it yesterday... It's new.
Bus driver: It's just not working... Just come on anyway. I love you, man.
Passenger: Thanks, bro. I love you, too.
Downtown bus terminal
New York, New York
1PM I'd Have to See Them Dance
Female potential juror: I can't sit on a jury for religious reasons. I don't believe in judging people.
Lawyer: This is a negligence case. You won't be deciding if somebody is good or evil. There's no question of morality involved.
Female potential juror: Whatever -- it's against my religious convictions to judge people.
Lawyer: You understand that we're not asking you to send someone to Hell -- you just have to decide whether or not they were clumsy.
Supreme Court
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
4PM No, but It's Bad That You Just Licked It
Ex-sorority girl yelling from her office: Is it bad that I can't tell what's on my sleeve?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: I don't think she has an inside voice...
3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later
CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
3PM At the Long John Silver's Exotic Erotic Ball
Lady: They're going to have fish, chicken, whips, whatever.
440 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Going... Through... Withdrawal
Office grunt #1: The Internet is down. Email still works, but there's something wrong with the Internet.
Office grunt #2: So the Internet's running fine, right?
1 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'm gonna go with NO...
4PM And Why Can't They Control Their Tendency to Generalize?
Asian girl hanging up phone: Why can't Asian people speak English?!
133 East 13th Street
New York, New York
4PM Christ: I'm Married to 'Em and I Have the Same Problem
Cube dweller: I still don't know if that was a man in a costume or a real nun that was grocery shopping!
Buffalo, New York
1PM ... So Put This Plutonium in That Easy-Bake Oven
Senior project manager to younger engineer: To prove that something doesn't work you must first overload the crap out of it.
23rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: skippy
4PM Sadly, Brad Never Graduated from the Simulator
Dude: Are you looking at pictures of naked women again?
Man: What kind of stupid question is that?
Dude: Yeah, sorry.
Man: Why don't you ask me what I'm breathing? 'Breathing some air there, huh? Boy, you sure do like your air.'
Dude: Yeah, I know, sorry. Hey -- that one's pretty.
Man: Tell me about it.
Starbucks
New York, New York
3PM I Prefer My Lies with Charts and Statistics
DBA: You're going to have to be more explicit when you say what you don't mean.
33rd floor, 1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Charliegator
5PM I'd Fix It Myself, but I'm Heading Out Soon
Young drone: Do you realize that everything you print has the heading 'Dead' on it?
Old drone: I wish they'd change that.
441 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Why Harold Got Fired
Woman, about bald Britney: She looks like a little child from Auschwitz!
Man: If only.
1040 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Limey
5PM No, Black Women
Coworker: One of my high school teachers was fired for having inappropriate relationships with students... Apparently he had a thing for sisters.
New girl: Like nuns?
32 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram
2PM That Was Meant to Be More of a Roar
Coworker #1: I'm like a shark. Rawr. Rawr.
Coworker #2: Sharks don't growl.
15 East 16th Street
New York, New York
1PM The Terrible Twos, Huh?
Lady coworker, after hanging up: So, have you ever been called a 'piece of shit' by your daughter?
West 26th Street
New York, New York
4PM And Type with the Other Hand
Female manager to male manager as screensaver turns on during presentation: You need to jiggle your thing.
New York, New York
Overheard by: i LOVE my job
11AM Keith Gets 30 Days in the Hole
Manager to three people working in cubicle: What are you all doing in here?!
Male coworker: There's a dead mouse in my cube.
Lady coworker: This is Keith*. He's a temp, but there's nowhere for him to sit, so they're all in my cube.
Manager: What are you doing about the mouse?!
Male coworker: Some guy came up and removed the filing cabinets and found the mouse. But he had to call a guy in another union to come and pick up the mouse.
Manager: What the fuck? This is unbelievable.
Lady coworker: It's like an overcrowded prison in here.
Manager: Oh, I'll show you prison [leaves].
Keith: Is she mad?
Male coworker: Isn't this fun?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Twice Shy
Veteran employee: Looks like all the seats are taken for the meeting.
Newbie: Well, there are some by me -- looks like I am somewhat of a pariah!
Veteran employee: What? Oh you mean piranha -- the word is 'piranha.' It's a fish from, like, Australia. Oh, wait, does that mean you're gonna bite me?
75 Washington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
3PM Taco Blackouts Are the Worst, Man
Peon #1: It smells like someone took a huge shit. What the hell is that?
Peon #2: It's the tacos. I had tacos for lunch. Does it smell like tacos?
69 North 69th Street
New York, New York
11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work
Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.
666 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office
10AM I Thought in Detail about Your Public Humiliation
Employee #1: I was watching American Idol, and I thought of you.
Grotesquely singing employee #2: Oh my gosh! That's so special!
Financial center
New York, New York
10AM Oh, Wait! Was He That Guy in Bill and Ted?
History major associate: That little dude is such a jerk! He's got a major Napoleon complex going on.
Blonde assistant manager: Really? But he doesn't have a big nose or curly hair or glasses...
History major associate: What? Not Napoleon Dynamite! Napoleon Bonaparte!
Blonde assistant manager: Oh. I don't know then, I don't watch the news.
Overpriced soap store
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: she's our assistant manager
2PM The Wrong Sort of Angel
Radio: 'So if your life has been touched by alcohol or substance abuse...'
Construction guy: That's me!
125th Street and Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Never Anywhere Near a Diaper
Toddler: What are you doing?
Mom: I'm changing your diaper.
Toddler: Now what are you doing?
Mom: I'm wiping you.
Toddler: Where's my penis?
Mom: It's right there.
Toddler: Where's Daddy?
Stop & Shop
New Paltz, New York
3PM That Requires Dinner, a Certain Charm, and All the Steps on This Process Map
Managing director handing envelope to secretary: Do you have a wet thing?
17 State Street
New York, New York
12PM The Kids Will Reduce Him to a Skeleton in Minutes
Coworker #1 on phone: Yes, this is Allie*... [Screams.]
Coworker #2: What's wrong?
Coworker #1: They think my prize steer is loose on the playground.
741 Griffin Road
Albany, New York
4PM It's an Executive Privilege
Boss: I think it's time for a sodey!
Coworker: What, like, mix it yourself?
Boss: Yup! I'm going to jerk it right here at my desk!
Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: talking-to-hr-about-moving-my-desk
10AM I Thought That Was 'Revise Facts to Fit Hypothesis'
Five-year-old boy: I have a tooth that's loose! It's gonna come out, and then I'm gonna put it under a pillow, and then I'm gonna get money and buy a tooth, and then I'm gonna put it under my pillow and get money and buy a toy, and then an adult tooth will grow in.
Librarian: Wow! You learn something new every day!
Five-year-old boy: It's the basic law of science.
Library
Bronxville, New York
9AM Sounds Boring and Blasphemous, Either Way
Coworker #1: This weekend I was Wiiing for Jesus.
Coworker #2: What the hell? You took a piss for God?
Coworker #1: No, you moron -- Nintendo Wii. I played at my church's youth group fair... You are one sick bitch.
Binghamton University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farmer
4PM Full of Empty Pizza Boxes
Manager: Everybody who was smoking pot in here last night is fired! ... Okay, looks like I have a vacant building.
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: fired
3PM Singing Telegram?
Boss: So, your voicemail kicked me off because my message was too short. I can understand it cutting you off if you start in on a monologue, but what if you just want to leave a message saying, 'Fuck you'?
Rockefeller University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
2PM Why She Cuts the Brake-Lines on All of Her Employees' Cars
Bridal manager to front desk receptionist: Yes, I understand it's difficult to be yelled at by 30 consultants, but let's think back to last year after you were almost killed in that car accident -- wouldn't you have been lucky to be yelled at by just two consultants?
Bridal store
New York, New York
3PM All My Promises to Myself
Coworker #1: You touched the nipple? You broke it?
Stan*: I didn't break the nipple!
Coworker #2, walking in: What did you break, Stan?
420 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM They're All Like, 'Boo Hoo, Who Moved My Cheese?'
Coworker to another about manager: So he said, 'If someone comes into your office crying, just ignore it. It used to freak me out, but now I realize it happens all the time.'
46th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
8AM Celebrity Wit
After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com
Team Overheard
1PM But I've Realized It's Just Not Practical to Maintain a Mule in New York City
Banker lady: You know, Catherine Deneuve said, 'At a certain point you have to decide between your ass and your face...'
9 West 57th Street
New York, New York
12PM They Decided to Go Dutch and Think about Sex with Other People
Male coworker: Hey, Liz*, let's go to the movies tonight.
Female coworker: Are you gonna pay?
Male coworker: Are you gonna put out?
277 Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Technically You'll Be Wearing All Black and Shimmying Up the Trellis
Investigative journalist on phone: Honey, please, you've got to get me those records. Without them we don't have a story! In order to do this story, I really need you to get me those records, honey. I know you have access to them... Well, no, you won't technically be lying to the police.
TV news show
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
4PM Well, Great, Glad You're Right on Top of This
Blonde receptionist: Do you have any Krazy Glue?
Paralegal: I don't think so. Why?
Blonde receptionist: My tooth fell out.
Paralegal: I think you need to see a dentist.
Blonde receptionist: No, my teeth are always falling out and I just Krazy Glue them back in.
Paralegal: Krazy Glue? Maybe that's why you've been getting all those headaches...
Blonde receptionist: No, that's because I quit smoking back in February.
Law office
Great Neck, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities
Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.
1270 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Brian
2PM Wait Until He Realizes They Aren't Talking about Turkey
Chick: Who was that?
Guy: He works for one of our other brands. Isn't he hot?
Chick: Very handsome. Is he Indian or black?
Guy: Black.
Chick: Dark meat's the best.
Guy: I haven't done that yet.
Chick: Really? You haven't lived!
575 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
9AM Only If You Let It Annoy You
Cube girl on phone, laughing: That must be really annoying, someone telling you your mom's dead and then they tell you your dad's dead, too!
100 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
3PM Salesclerk Bob Guccione Asks Every Girl If She'd Like to Try on a Bathing Suit
Chick: Excuse me, do you know where I could find bedding?
Salesclerk with very heavy accent: Bedding suit?
Chick: No, not bathing suits -- bedding.
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: You know, pillowcases? Sheets?
Salesclerk: [Blank stare.]
Chick: Never mind.
Saks Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
1PM How Did You Get Both Feet into One Sock?
Boss: You know those people from Saudi Arabia?
Assistant: Yes.
Boss: Are they Iranians?
Franklin Avenue
New York, New York
11AM If You Need Further Guidance, I'll Be in My Office
Manager: We should prepare drawings for the real building instead of the fake building.
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Drewster
5PM Until You Whack the Sides of Their Heads, Engineers May Loop Indefinitely
Engineer #1: The error is not repeatable.
Engineer #2: Not repeatable?
Engineer #1: Not repeatable.
Poughkeepsie, New York
2PM She Evaluates Everything on That Scale
Man in plastic surgeon's waiting room: Why are you doing this?
Woman: Well, it costs less than a pool... but more than a Jacuzzi tub.
12 Greenwich Avenue
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: jenny power
9AM Then You Lose Them and We Send You Another Set
Consultant guy: Yeah, we overnight the documents to you. It takes about a week for you to get them.
Garden City, New York
1PM Unfortunately, Mick Jagger Said He'd Only Sign Breasts
Coworker #1: Good morning!
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Because it'll be really bad if you didn't!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
1PM I'll Show You a Graph When We Get Home
Attorney on phone: Hi, sweetie. I'm going to come pick you up after school tomorrow to take you to your appointment... Well, Mommy was going to, but she's too important to leave the office, and I'm not that important, so I can leave.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
10AM ... In Farsi
Office chick: Is that an Islamic newspaper?
Office guy: It's the Wall Street Journal.
15 East 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Erak
9AM That Was Just a Test Run
Boss to new receptionist: These are some of the noises I make that will annoy you. This is my mouse clicking. This is me kicking the desk in front of me. This is my chair squeaking. Oh, and sometimes I just say 'shit,' like I have Tourette's.
Receptionist: Okay... [They go back to work.]
Boss: Shit.
200 West 16th St
New York, New York
11AM Microsoft's 'Lilliputian Solutions' Software Isn't for Everyone
HR hottie: I can't think right now! Between Excel and porno midgets I'm nuts!
Westchester, New York
10AM Here You Go. I'm Going to Launch Now, Okay?
Assistant: I made the reservations for you. Give me a minute and I'll get you the ballistics.
Boss: Ballistics?
Assistant: Yeah, the ballistics -- your flight arrangements and your hotel confirmation. You know, the ballistics!
39th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I can't believe I hired her
10AM Hey, Thank the Restraining Order
Pretty woman: Thanks for fixing my computer!
Geeky computer guy: Maria*, you know I'm always thinking about you.
Pretty woman: And thanks for not calling that to my attention too often.
125th Street
New York, New York
5PM When I Went There on Vacation
Coworker #1: New Mexico is a state? Since when?
Coworker #2: Uh, for quite some time now.
Coworker #1: Oh. Well, I didn't know West Virginia was a state until last year.
New York, New York
Overheard by: She has a college degree
4PM Unlikely -- You Always Look Like Shit
Boss to late employee: Where have you been?
Blonde: Hi.
Boss: You look like shit today.
Blonde: Maybe that's because I was up all night fucking!
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jonny Z
9AM The Alpha Male Restores Order in the Pack with a Show of Aggression
Sales guy slamming down phone: Fucking bitch.
Boss: Tell me you didn't just slam the phone down on our biggest billing client.
Sales guy: What? She couldn't hear that.
Boss: What the fuck are you talking about?! I get the phone slammed down on me all the time -- I fucking hear it.
Sales guy: Yeah, I guess maybe she could hear it.
Boss, picking up phone: Call me.
Sales guy, getting very nervous: No, it's okay. I'm sorry.
Boss: Fucking call me. I said call me! Fucking do it now! [Sales guy calls. Boss starts slamming his receiver against his desk screaming] Can you fucking hear that?! Huh?! Can you fucking hear it, bitch?!
Sales guy: I hear it, boss, I hear it. Please, please stop.
Cleveland Street
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: amused coworker
4PM How Leo's Pants Got Pulled over His Eyes Remains Something of a Mystery
Union worker: Listen... Listen to me. You can't fool me. I am my father's son. You can't pull the shirt over my eyes. You do what you gotta do.
309 West 49th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: fredshah
2PM Not Bonobos, At Least
Coworker on phone: What?! Suck on it?! No, never! I would never suck on it... I've used my hands and fingers, but I would never put that in my mouth! We're not animals! [Hangs up and notices coworkers staring. Turns out it was about cleaning a newborn's nose.]
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: the quiet one
4PM Yeahhh, Definitely Need My Smoothie. Yeahhh
Chick: A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. As long as I have my smoothie, I'm okay. Smoothie -- okay. No smoothie -- not okay.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
10AM I Haven't Been Near a Moon for Years
Old guy unzipping at urinal: The eagle has landed.
Guy at other urinal: What does that mean?
Old guy: I don't know.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: guy at urinal #4
12PM I Think I Agree, but I Don't Care for Your Tone
50-ish woman #1: I had this fish for lunch, and it was sooo salty!
50-ish woman #2: Was it? Well, it is from the ocean, you know.
50-ish woman #1: No, it was seasoned with too much salt.
50-ish woman #2: It doesn't even have to be seasoned! It's from the ocean!
Elevator, 16th Street and JFK Boulevard
New York, New York
4PM Boss: Excellent! The Employees Have Become Self-Punishing
Clumsy coworker drops pile of files: Nobody look at me! I want to be alone!
1300 York Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jennifer
12PM If It Feels Good, Don't Say It
Coworker on the phone: No, sir, I am doing everything I can... Sir, you aren't listening... Sir, as I have already said... Sir... I'm gonna kick you in yo' head!
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: New to the company
12PM I'll Pipe Some Random Noises into Your Earpiece
Admin on speaker: Can I please have the Electronics department?
Sears rep: Okay, hold for a while.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM Homer Simpson: You Say That Like It's a Bad Thing
Video editor: I don't think we can use any of this stuff with these yellow people at all... Stupid yellow people. [Shocked coworker stares.] No, no, no! The color of the footage is all out-- Everyone looks yellow!
108th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
4PM Fa Shoah?
20-something scrapbooker: Should I be putting pictures of Auschwitz in here?
Supervisor: I don't think so!
20-something scrapbooker: I should probably put one... I mean, we went there... I'm gonna make light of it.
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
12PM Oh My God, You Are Walking It!
Suit on cell: Can I call you back in a minute? I'm about to, uh, walk the lizard. Okay, bye.
Guy in stall: It's 'drain the lizard,' you idiot.
534 Broad Hollow Road
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
10AM Ahead of Raisins, but Not As Bad As Starbursts
Ditzy babe: Mr. Allen*? In the reading last night it said that semen had a high sugar content. Is that right?
Mr. Allen: That's right.
Ditzy babe: So, does that mean it's bad for your teeth?
AP Biology class
Rochester, New York
3PM We Were Perfectly Dysfunctional before You Butted In. Who Even Asked You?
Recruiter #1: The fax wouldn't go through. I don't understand it.
Recruiter #2: You left a staple in it.
Recruiter #1: So?
Admin: I think you're setting yourself up to fail.
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Temp Receptionist Hasn't Been Told It's a New York City Law Firm
Attorney: Okay, I'm leaving to catch my train now -- it's Rosh Hashanah.
Receptionist: Wow! You're a Jew, too? There are so many of you people in this office!
Big law firm
New York, New York
5PM I Can't Wait Until It's Over the Counter!
Woman #1: I haven't been feeling well at all lately.
Woman #2: You know what's really good? Aleve.
Woman #1: What?!
Woman #2: Aleve.
Woman #1: Oh, I thought you said, 'weed'!
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
12PM Now with 25 Percent More Ash!
Blonde admiring coworker's haircut: He did a good job. I like that cut a lot.
Redhead: Thanks! I like it, too. It just feels a little greasy 'cause of all that stuff he uses.
Blonde: Ew. Yeah. I hate Pompeii.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: goofopet
10AM Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
Attorney: Oh, god, not her. She is an insufferable hag. Tell her I'm not in the office.
Temp on phone: I'm sorry, ma'am, he's out of the office... Well, I apologize, but he's not here right now... Yes, I'm aware that lying to another attorney is unethical... Ma'am, you did not hear his voice in the background... No, I'm telling you, he's not here... Well, how do you know that was his voice? Couldn't it have been an intern or another attorney? ... Well if it sounded like him, who's to say his son isn't visiting today and that's whose voice you heard? Yes, I'll give him the message. Thank you.
Attorney: So... Have you considered law school?
Long Island law firm
Long Island, New York
4PM The Elevator Operators Are Messing with Him
Yuppie #1: You coming out tomorrow night? Gonna be a shit show.
Yuppie #2: As long as I don't wake up on random floors as I have the past two Thursdays!
5th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM And 12-Year-Olds Killed in Terrorist Attacks
Tech guy: You know, I was thinking the other day -- you know how when these terrorists die, they think they're getting, like, 40 virgins? Well, it occurred to me that the only virgins up there will be all these 80-something-year-old nuns...
Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
Overheard by: amused temp
1PM Maybe I Shouldn't Have Let Him Borrow All That Poe
Librarian: Have you met the new assistant director? He reminds me a lot of Randy -- you know -- Ralphie's little brother from A Christmas Story. Nobody wants to hang out with him. The other day I asked him how he was, and he actually held up a piece of rope and said, 'Oh, I'm hanging in there!' and gave me a creepy smile.
60 7th Street
Garden City, New York
Overheard by: Grace
11AM Very Slow Fights Break Out
Distressed middle-aged man to wife: Well, that's what happens when you give spiked eggnog to old people!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Confused Passerby
2PM I Learned That from Watching The L Word
Waitress: What can I get for you this evening?
Tourist: My brother here really wants to try some sushi, but he's never had any.
Brother: I'm afraid I can't handle the sushi.
Waitress: Oh, honey, no man can handle the sushi.
Sushi Samba
New York, New York
11AM Too Bad We're Really More about Following Orders
Professor to group of peers grading cadet exams: Wow, now this kid's going to grow up to be a serial killer.
US Military Academy, West Point
Highland Falls, New York
1PM Lousy Human Condition
Middle-aged secretary #1: Stuart* just farted in my ear. He was standing next to me when I was sitting at my desk, and he fucking farted in my ear!
Middle-aged secretary #2: Ew. I've been known to let one slip myself. And the pussy farts are the worst, because you can't control them.
Middle-aged secretary #1: I see we're keeping it real.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: ginny
10AM Arthur Murray Reconsiders His Business Plan
IT guy: What do you mean you've never shot a gun? You never made your friends dance by shooting at their feet?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Oh, and Photocopy the Porn
Male coworker #1: So, what do you even do back there, Allen*?
Male coworker #2: Apart from sifting through all of that mail.
Male coworker #1: And making photocopies.
Allen: Watch porn and whack off.
Male coworker #1, laughing: Seriously?
Allen: Hell yeah.
Male coworker #1: Dude. You're my idol.
Office on 48th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM It Wasn't an Open-Floor Test
Teacher on phone with parent: Mrs. Jones*, I'm not saying Billy* cheated. All I'm saying is he had a sheet of paper with the answers to the test on the floor under his desk, and every few minutes he leaned over and looked at it. And I don't allow that kind of studying.
Bayport, New York
3PM Suck It Up. Without Hyperbole You Have No Job
Fashion editor: Our editors are not sneaker enthusiasts. It's really hard for me to do a story saying this is the most important sneaker of our generation.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
3PM And Lets Make the Password... 'Password,' Okay?
VP on phone with bank: I need to verify three times? I'm sorry, but that's just too secure for me.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
10AM A Quickie Will Cover Anything up to Embezzlement
Female coworker #1: So, Jack* is like, 'I feel obliged to tell the supervisor I caught you cheating again.' And obviously I can't have that -- if I lose this job I'm screwed for the month.
Female coworker #2: Totally. So what did you do to shut him up?
Female coworker #1: Let him lick my boobs in the store room.
Female coworker #2: One boob or both?
Female coworker #1: Both.
Female coworker #2: Good plan.
Duane Reed, Times Square
New York, New York
2PM Nah, Nobody Anywhere Cares What You Say
Professor: A modern example of the peasant revolt of 1381 are the anti-poll tax riots that took place under Margaret Thatcher. She refused to work with the public, and it brought down her government. We should take a lesson from this... I hope there are no microphones in here.
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Hopes There Aren't
2PM Plus, Their Prior Behavior Had Been Exemplary
Professor: Does anyone have questions about the importance of the flood myth in the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh?
Student: Well, when it flooded and everything died, what happened to all the fish?
Professor: Well, it was a flood... So I think they were okay...
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Stared in disbelief
1PM Borrow Money
Call center rep: Well, what do you do when a random person at a call center says, 'I love you'?
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Like Bathing in Christian Dior's Saliva
Agent #1: So, I see this girl, you know, in the grocery store. And she's just this freak of a girl. A tall, thin freak. And it's like this beam of light just descends on her, basking her in the smell of success. You know those moments?
Agent #2: The moments where you see tall, thin freaks?
Agent #1: Well, yeah -- it's like time stands still and you know you've just gotten the gold.
Agent #2: Yeah. It's a religious experience.
Agent #1: Completely. Completely religious.
Outside DNA modeling agency, 5th Avenue
New York, New York
10AM They're Both Pretty Busy This Time of Year
Male coworker to deskmate: I'm still waiting for Emmitt Smith and Jesus to accept my MySpace friendship.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ro
2PM Plus, We're the Villains in Different Bond Movies
Coworker #1: Teach me how to say something dirty in Bulgarian.
Coworker #2: I'm not Bulgarian, I'm Bosnian.
Coworker #1: What's the difference?
Coworker #3: Are you Mexican?
Coworker #1: Hell no!
Coworker #3: That's the difference.
2157 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
1PM The Car Deserved to Die
Cube guy: ... And what did you say?
Cube girl: I told her he never deserved her in the first place.
Cube guy: That's for sure.
Cube girl: And frankly, the smartest thing she ever did was put that bullet in his car.
Cube guy: I know!
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM And That's the Way It Is
Anchor writing newscast: I don't care about the poisoned Russian. Just give me the bong!
CBS Broadcast Center
New York, New York
2PM Wait until He Hears Why They're Representing Him
Attorney reading medical report: Sue*, is this right?
Sue, the paralegal: Yup. Sure is.
Attorney: But... Why does it say 'Christina*' on this set of reports, and 'Christopher' on this set?
Sue, patting attorney on back: Read it all the way through, you'll get it.
Attorney, from rear office five minutes later: Oh, lord... He's... I mean, she's... I mean... Sue? Can you come in here, please?
Sue, yelling across the office: Did you see the pictures yet?
Attorney: What?! There are pictures?! Where...? Oh, my good god! Sue!
Law office, Broadway
New York, New York
11AM No Bereavement Time-Outs in Office Warfare
Female coworker: Did you hear that Bobbi lost her father?
Chorus of 'Awwws' from other coworkers.
Male coworker: Why doesn't she look in her cunt? Everyone else seems to have been in there.
Ruby Tuesday's
Carle Place, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
5PM If You Get One of These, Just Regift It
Guy: That's because you broke it!
Hot blonde: I know, I totally put it in the wrong hole.
Guy: You should be more careful.
Hot blonde: I added more liquid, but I get no smoke.
Guy: Did you make sure to re-insert the thingie?
80 Grasslands Avenue
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM So: No Desk and a Series of 'Special Projects'
Female boss: Well, there's other ways to handle it.
Male boss: I know. It becomes, 'Why should I fire you when I can make your job miserable and make you quit?'
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Dude, Turn off the iPod
Coworker on speakerphone with messenger center: Last name is Baratta.
Messenger center: Spell it.
Coworker: B-A-R-A-T-T-A.
Messenger center, repeating: P-V-R-G-G-A?
Coworker: ... What does that even spell?!
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Davey
2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'
Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.
7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey
2PM From Fashion Designers
Woman: I wish I had an overactive thyroid.
Man: Yeah, you'd get a lot of attention that way.
Elevator, 550 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Heather
12PM I Am Shocked. Shocked!
Cube dweller: Do not Google 'Britney Spears' vagina.' All you get is porn.
455 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Alex
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Okay, So Only That One Time
Janitor to coworkers: Man, these customers be crazy. The other night I was moppin' the floor, and this bitch come up to me and said, 'It's not time to mop the floor yet!' Lady, do I come to your job and smack the dick outta your mouth?
Natural Food Store breakroom
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: disgruntled employee
3PM We Won't Be at Work on That Day, Smart Guy
Black coworker: Oh, it's Hanukkah! That's why I keep seeing so many Jews around.
Jewish coworker: What the fuck? You just wait until Martin Luther King day and see what I say to you...
42nd Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM A Super Wal-Mart?
Associate: Do you think you could survive if we dropped you in the middle of the rainforest?
Temp: No way -- I would die for sure.
Associate: What about if we dropped you in a Wal-Mart?
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Well, Forewarned Is Forearmed. Oh, Sorry.
Lawyer to secretary: Now, you treat my sex offender nicely. He'll be here with his one-armed wife later.
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Alex
3PM No Responsibility Is So Slight That It Can't Be Abused
Manager: Just because I'm a manager they are treating me like I can't be a customer! I wanted to put something on hold and they said, 'No, that's for customers.' I have a key to this bitch! I'll be all up in here ringing that shit up myself.
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: J-Face
5PM The Only Case in New York
Somber attorney on phone: I've got some very bad news... I just got off the phone with the vet, and little Bobo's sick... He's got a case of bad attitude. That's right, a bad attitude.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
2PM God, I Miss Marketing!
CFO with faraway gaze: It would be a lot of fun to defraud people.
535 8th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM As I Am
Broker to real estate agent in training: When you're doing an open house you have to talk to everybody, no matter how poor they look. You know, no matter how black they are... if you're racist.
Huntington, New York
9AM Officers Had Probable Cause to Administer a Field Civics Test
Girl: So, I'm really scared because I got jury duty. I don't want to be in the same room as a criminal.
Paralegal: Well, maybe they're not a criminal. That's the point of jury duty.
Girl: But... aren't they guilty if they were arrested? I mean, the police don't just go around arresting people if they're innocent.
1355 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: sam
4PM I'm Worried about How She'll Take the News
Nurse to patient after pregnancy test: Congratulations on your new arrival. Are you excited?
Patient: Yeah. I'm just in shock. I mean, I can't believe my sister is going to be an aunt!
616 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Vicky
1PM Life: 1 Art: 0
Male coworker: How's the book I lent you?
Female coworker: It's good. I got up to the part where he changes his name, but I was on the bus and a girlfriend started fighting with her boyfriend, so I stopped reading to watch that.
139 Highland Street
Port Chester, New York
Overheard by: soon to be hired
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
3PM Ladies, All of You Should Be Dating This Guy
Dude: I registered to win a trip to space, and I haven't heard anything. I'm very disappointed.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas Bohrman
1PM Well, They Are Still behind Your Shirt, If That's What You Mean
Woman on way to meeting: Are my boobs sticking out enough?
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Since I Haven't Mastered Inner Typing
Manager on phone to computer terminal manufacturer: That terminal still isn't working properly, and if you don't fix it soon the customer is going to tell me to shove it up my ass... And I'm not prepared to do that at this time.
1462 Erie Boulevard
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: It wouldn't fit mine
3PM Yeah, It's a Cracker Thing. You Wouldn't Understand.
Paralegal #1: Don't you remember Zweiback cookies when you were little?
Paralegal #2: Uh, no.
Associate: You white people are into different things.
180 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...
11AM Victor's Secret
Female coworker: I woke up today and couldn't find my panties.
Male coworker: So, did you find them finally?
Female coworker: No. And my husband disappeared...
Law office
New York, New York
Overheard by: julllully
4PM Clearly Not Enough to Forget That It Happened
Employee #1: Did you go out this weekend?
Employee #2: Not really.
Employee #1: I tried this new drink. The bartender said it was a 'cum shot.'
Employee #2: How many drinks did it take before you did that?
Monroe Avenue
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: did you brush your teeth?
5PM Millions and Millions Puzzled
Guy: I'll have a Number Three, and can I have a small chocolate shake?
Bimbette employee: No.
Guy: No, I can't have a shake?
Bimbette employee: Nope.
Guy: Are you saying no to the 'small,' the 'chocolate,' or the 'shake...'?
Bimbette employee: Both.
Guy: So, both of the three, huh?
Bimbette employee: Yes, but you can have vanilla.
Guy: I would love vanilla, thank you.
McDonald's, 53rd Street and 2nd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: brian
10AM One Way to Keep Them Quiet
Office lady #1: I'm going to a sleep-away camp for ten-year-olds this weekend.
Office lady #2: Well, at least there will be alcohol.
1 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: sarcastro
4PM I'm Intrinsically Motivated by the Work Itself
Coworker: It's just a motivational meeting. I don't care if I miss it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
10AM And So Igneous to Use a Dictionary
Coworker: I just love paying bills online -- it is just so easy.
Blonde coworker: I know, it's so great.
Coworker: The computer has really made things efficient.
Blonde coworker: I know -- it is, like, sooo Antarctic to pay your bills by check nowadays.
30th floor, 55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Greg Case
4PM Nah, I'll Just Stick with Investing in the Perpetual Motion Machine
Coworker: But what if these Nigerian e-mails are real and people are making a lot of money off them? What about me? I bet that I could get rich.
249 W 17th Street
New York, New York
2PM You Should Have Had a Few Spares
Administrator on phone: Yeah, my cat passed away last Sunday. I put him in a paper bag and put it out on the curb for... for trash pick-up... What else could I do? Can't put him in the back yard. Yeah, I gotta get a new place. I can't stand the mice anymore.
Department of Education, 65 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Emma
1PM And That's When I Remembered the Nipple Piercings
Employee: I would really like to apologize for running late this morning. It won't happen again.
Boss: Could you please turn your shirt right-side out?
350 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Susan
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
1PM The Gun In My Hand Will Be the Tip-Off
Guy #1: Hey, I thought you left already. When is your last day?
Guy #2: No, I'm still here until Thursday. Why?
Guy #1: I just wanted to know when you're still just working here and when I should call security.
7-Eleven, 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have
Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.
Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Other Cashier
1PM Pavlov's Doug
Woman: Just open it. If the alarm goes off, then the fat guy will come up and eat something.
343 W 36th Street
New York, New York
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM You Say They Have Computers That Do That Now? Here, I'll Give You a Push
Male employee: Oh, I'm sorry. I could've scared you and you could've fallen.
Female employee sitting in an open, screenless window: That's okay, you didn't scare me.
Male employee: You look like you're going to jump. Please don't jump out the window. We really need someone to answer the phones.
98th Street and West End
New York, New York
Overheard by: adrienne
2PM It's Just that Karen is Very Fondle You
Office girl #1 to girl #2: Oh, you are so supportive, Karen*!
Office girl #3: Yeah! Like a bra!
423 East 23rd Street
New York, New York
11AM People Going through a Dry Spell?
Employee: I mean, really -- who uses the word 'lubricant' in passing?
48th Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM He's Married to This Woman
Boss: Natasha*, is there something wrong?
Natasha: My friend just texted me saying that she's sitting next to Orlando Bloom.
Boss: Tell him he's fired if he doesn't get here in five minutes.
Employee #2: Boss, he's an actor.
Boss: I don't give a rat's ass what he aspires to be. I emailed everyone yesterday saying that this meeting was very important.
Natasha: Mr. Jones*, he's a Hollywood actor. He doesn't work---
Boss, very angry: ---I see. That's what he says, huh? He's fired then!
Employee #2: Seriously, Boss, he doesn't work here. He is just an actor who happened to sit next to Natasha's friend.
Boss: So how the fuck do you dare to interrupt my meeting with some bullshit talk on a psycho employee who thinks he's in Hollywood?!
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: working for an oblivious boss
9AM Me Neither. Isn't Advertising Cool?
Art director: Don't you have to be educated to do your job?
IT guy: Nope.
11 E 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jeremy
3PM And We Must Never, Ever Utter It Aloud
Waitress to another: No! There's a reason I don't eat the coleslaw! No!
Cafe
Salt Point, New York
Overheard by: Not eating it either
2PM Where U.S. Army Officials Go to 'Investigate' Suspected Homosexual Acts
Old man: So, this was a good queer movie.
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: Where are the other movies about dykes and queers?
Video store clerk: Ummm...
Old man: I want to know if they are really sexy, though.
Cedar Street
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: silenced
3PM He's Anterean-Curious
Male coworker: But Anne Heche is oddly hot, and she'd be okay with another woman in the bedroom. Plus, she's insane, which makes her fun.
Female coworker: Well, guess if you're fantasizing about someone bi and crazy she could be interesting...
Male coworker: See? See? I think she might actually be an alien. That'd be even better! Aliens are sexy.
Female coworker: No, no, now you're just getting weird and nerdy. Aliens are not sexy.
Male coworker: I always imagined the female alien from Cocoon to be really sexy. She had a great body when the skin was on her, but there was something scary and yet awesome about the glowing part. I'd want her to keep her human skin on, but I imagine sex with her to be like nothing else you've ever imagined. And I imagine her kisses to taste like candy and electricity, like pop rocks or something.
Female coworker: Okay, now you've let me know too much information, and you're still getting all nerdy.
Male coworker: Okay, you're right. This is starting to sound weird.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
9AM But He Does Have a Really Hot 12-Year-Old Niece
Meat clerk: So, Mitch*, how old is your daughter?
Mitch: 19. Why, you wanna fuck her? She's a whore. Joe* already fucked her.
Joe: He doesn't have a daughter.
Supermarket
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Fishmonger
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
11AM Reagan: The Hidden Diaries
Employee on phone: Did you poop? Did you poop today? Will you poop with me when I get home? Okay, we'll poop together when I get home.
New York, New York
1PM Because, after This Conversation, I May Need to Blow My Brains Out
Boss: How was your day?
Employee miming pointing a gun to his head: Know what I mean? But it's over now.
Boss: My father killed himself six months ago.
Employee: Did he use a gun?
47 Catherwood Road
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: I prefer the
12PM Could We Talk about Baltimore Again, Please?
White coworker: So, you're from Baltimore, right?
Black coworker: No, everyone thinks all there is to Maryland is Baltimore. I'm actually from a small town called Upper Marlboro, which is closer to D.C.
White coworker: Really? Baltimore is cool. Is where you're from like Baltimore?
Black coworker: Oh, no, it's very different. In fact, people from Baltimore don't like people from P.G. so much. They say we're bourgeois, stuck up, and that we act like white people. But we don't act white, we just have money.
29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing inside
9AM Refuses to Watch Baseball Because of the Flies
Suit: The other way I learned it, from Schoolhouse Rock, is that the alligator is hungry and so wants to bite the larger one.
Woman coworker: Ohhh... I see. That would confuse me, because it's got animals.
919 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: i guess graduating elementary school just was
12PM Why Can't You Be Like Mulan? She Was Asian, but She Could Take a Punch!
Asian coworker to black coworker: Why can't you be like Akeelah in Akeelah and the Bee? She was black, but she could spell!
235 E 42nd Street
New York, New York
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
11AM Corporate Suicide Bombers
Employee: No one saw who took my chair? I hope I have crabs.
345 Broadway
New York City
5PM Here's a Map of Where I Would Go
Girl: But I wouldn't violate you in that way that would offend you, you know what I mean? Like, I just wouldn't go that route.
1 New York Plaza
Overheard by: I would
12PM Well, You'll Have Lots of Time to Practice, Because You're Fired
Supervisor: Did someone order colored pencils from the office supply place?
Assistant: I'm thinking of becoming a caricaturist.
330 Madison Ave
New York City
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
5PM How the Echinacea Cocomocha Was Invented
Grunt #1: I need to get some...
Grunt #2: Rum?
Grunt #3: Echinacea?
1 World Financial
New York City
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting
Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!
14th St & 6th Ave
New York City
Overheard by: seriously?
3PM What They Use to Mix Cocktails in the 'Hood
Foreign coworker: What is a 'jigga'?
Male coworker: I don't know, I'm Turkish.
Female coworker: I don't know, I'm White.
44th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM The Truth Is Just too Explosive
Female coworker #1: I just don't know what to tell my kid.
Female coworker #2: What about?
Female coworker #1: Well, my six-year-old wants to know what's the difference between a lamb and a sheep.
Female coworker #2: Oh, that's tough. What are you going to tell her?
Female coworker #1: I dunno, probably that they are just similar species.
South Research Place
Central Islip, New York
1PM You, for Example, Should Forget It
Salesguy #1: ...so she totally doesn't mind sexual harassment.
Salesguy #2: Really?
Salesguy #1: Well, she does and she doesn't. It depends on who's doing it.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM He Whizzed Through Med School
Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.
York Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: the other assistant
3PM The Bar For Being Old School Keeps Being Lowered
Coworker #1: You have an AOL email address?
Coworker #2: I know...So old-school.
623 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
9AM The Only Way to Eat a Meatball Sub Without Getting Any on Your Necktie
Art director: I do it over the toilet bowl, and when I'm done, it looks like there's a dead animal in there.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
11AM So Act Like a Robot That Acts Like a Human Being
Woman on phone: Could you please just act like a human being?... Oh, right, I forgot. You're a Transformer.
42nd Street
New York, New York
9AM It's Funny, Though -- There's This One Where Everyone Has a Four-Year Sentence
Intern chick: Where's Ithaca?
Bronx boy: It's upstate.
Intern chick: Upstate?
Bronx boy: Way upstate.
Intern chick: So where are we?
Bronx boy: We're southern. The very southern tip of New York.
Intern chick: OK, how far north is it?
Bronx boy: Really far north... it's near prisons, if you really want to know the truth.
125th Street & Lenox Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Just Take It! What's He Going to Do, Tell You You're Shoplifting?
Customer: I'm looking for one of those things where I can plug it into my TV's video and plug like four video game systems into it and push a button to switch between them.
Employee: Yeah, I don't think we sell those.
Customer, picking up item: I'm looking for this.
Employee: Oh, we don't sell those.
Customer: You... don't... sell these?
Employee: No.
Customer: You're sure?
Employee: Yeah, we definitely don't sell those.
Customer: You don't sell these? This thing that I picked up off your rack with a price tag on it?
Employee: No. Circuit City might carry them, though.
Best Buy
Astoria, New York
2PM If a New Jersey Resident Falls in His Kitchen, And No One Is Around to See It, Is It Still Funny?
Employee #1: Well, you should move to New Jersey. There are great apartments in my complex.
Employee #2: I don't know that I want to move out there.
Employee #1: The apartments are great, lots of closet space, granite countertops in the kitchen.
Employee #2: I don't want granite counters. If I fall and hit my head on them, it would hurt.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
12PM I Can't Wait to See That 'Help Wanted' Ad
Lesbian: Whatever it takes to get her pregnant. Even if I have to participate!
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM This, for Example, Appears to be a Videotape from the Reagan Years
New mother: You would not believe all the stuff that keeps coming out of your body.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
9AM He's Adopted
Patient: Yeah, I have a twin brother about my age.
Presbyterian Hospital
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless RN
1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed
Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.
50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow
12PM Which Reminds Me: It's Performance Review Time
Coworker #1: How's the weather outside?
Coworker #2: Pretty good, it's like getting spit on.
Brooklyn Army Terminal
Brooklyn, New York
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
12PM You'll Be Surprised and You Won't Even Know It!
Employee: I'm totally gonna sneak up on you when you're not here.
575 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
9AM My Soul Has Filed for Chapter 11
Manager #1: So how'd that meeting go? Are you still morally bankrupt?
Manager #2: Why, yes! Yes, I am!
750 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
New York, New York
Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid
9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
4PM She's Either Got a Really Short Spine or Is Crouching on Her Heels
Male coworker: What are those? Are they thighs?
Female coworker: No, they're breasts. Ginormous breasts!
555 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone
Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?
355 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: BiPolar
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
10AM Why They Both Wanted Breast Implants Is Anybody's Guess
Boss: How are your parents?
Worker #1: Fine, thanks for asking.
Worker #2: My parents are fine, too, thanks for asking!
Boss: I'm happy to hear that. When both of my parents were in the hospital at the same time, it was really hard on our whole family.
28th Street & 6th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Orthodox Dude in Peyes, Platform Hat, Black Three-Piece Suit: 'What Did You Just Say?'
Cube dude: I don't mean this to be harsh, but, you know, the Talmud wasn't exactly written just to justify your fashion choices.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Thus, He Probably Overcharged for His Chuppahs
Employee #1: Well, we already live together.
Employee #2: Oooh, living in sin!
Employee #3: Jesus won't be happy with you.
Employee #1: Well, I'm Jewish, so Jesus already isn't too happy with me.
Employee #3: That's true.
Employee #1: I think when I get married under a chuppah, he might get upset!
Employee #2: Jesus was Jewish, though.
Employee #3: Jesus was also a carpenter.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM He Means He Wants the Final Text Written on Papyrus
Boss: I don't need to see everything before it goes out the door. Just send me a final, final, rough draft.
Union Square
New York, New York
10AM He Was Much Worse Before the Diversity Training
Suit: You're Asian, so I bet you want tea. We Americans like our morning coffee.
Asian interviewee #1: No, I had Starbucks on the way here.
Suit: We Americans like milk in our coffee. Asians drink it black, right?
Asian interviewee #2: No, I take mine light and sweet.
Suit: Well, you still wanna work here, right?
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Laughing in America
10AM Situational Ethics
Coworker #1: Can you believe the whole company needs to take an ethics exam? It's online, but still...
Coworker #2: Yeah, it sucks. I heard that one department's doing the whole thing on a conference call together.
Coworker #1: But there's a test...
Coworker #2: Yeah, they're all taking the test together. One person says the answer and everybody enters it on their screen after the first person confirms it's right.
Midtown
New York, New York
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.
Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
10AM She Knows Where Jimmy Hoffa Is, Though
Desk assistant: So what happens if we go on strike? Do we not come to work?
CBS Broadcast Center, 524 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: This is the future of network news
4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'
Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.
Midtown
New York, New York
10AM Oh! If I'd Known, I Would've Brought My Brain.
VP: Hi! Nice to see you. I hope we'll be meeting soon!
Ad agency rep: Yes, like right now? Since that's why we're here.
Central Park South
New York, New York
10AM I Still Say Mother Teresa Was a Rock Star
Manager on phone: She was a nun. No, she was a nun! She was a nun! She was! She was a nun! A nun!!
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Because God Know Mine Am Bad
Manager: We're hiring another producer in Quebec. And one thing that I think we all agree on is that his English has to be very, very well.
180 Varick Street
New York, New York
4PM Two Words: Vasectomy, Vasectomy
A man holding a child's hand meets up with a woman holding another child's hand.
Man and woman, simultaneously: I thought he was with you!
Man, turning to go back inside: I told you this would happen if you let them outnumber us.
Outside Bloomingdale's, 59th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kim Siddorn
3PM So Many Jobs Are Made Interesting Only By the Arbitrary Exercise of Petty Authority
Customer service person: I'll be right with you, ma'am. He was first.
Female customer: No, he wasn't.
Customer Service person: Yes, he was.
Male customer: No, I wasn't.
Customer service person: Yes, you were.
Bank of America
New York, New York
Overheard by: Stretch
4PM Hello, I'm Your Tour Guide, Steve, Which Is French For 'Dumbass'
Tour guide: And this here is what we call a "grotto," from the French word for "water."
Secret Caverns
Cobleskill, New York
11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!
Telephone customer: Hi, I need to find the international rates for calling to France.
Local phone operator: France? That's in England, right?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: disbelief
10AM If We Don't Get Married, the Terrorists Win
Female patient: Oh! You're getting married next month?
Male patient: Trust me, you're better off joining the Army and getting sent to Iraq.
Waiting room, East 49th Street
New York, New York
10AM He's Still Using a Sundial
Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
2PM Tonight on WWE Smackdown: Clash of the Bureaucrats!
FBI agent: Excuse me, I'm an investigator for the FBI. I would like a copy of a student's transcript.
Registrar: Ok. You need to pay a $7 transcript fee.
FBI agent: Uh. I don't think I need to pay that. I'm an investigator for the FBI.
Registrar: Everybody has to pay for a transcript.
FBI agent: I think I will have to speak to your supervisor.
Registrar: I'm sorry, but that's what the sign says.
John Jay College of Criminal Justice, 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Waiting next in line
1PM Error! Error! Does...Not...Compute...Error!
Female customer: Excuse me, what is this?
Guy behind counter: It's gazpacho soup.
Female customer: But it's cold.
Guy behind counter: It's supposed to be served chilled.
Female customer: But you said it was soup.
Hospital cafeteria
New York, New York
10AM Yet Probably Just as Accurate
Receptionist: Hello, Ruddman* Media International...Excuse me? A heat index? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about...Ruddman Media International...No, no this is not the weather channel.
3 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
9AM Just Another Typical Day Here at the Department of Redundancy Department
Manager: What was the soup de jour of the day today?
Sterling Forest Road
Sterling Forest, New York
Overheard by: Mark D.
4PM We're Going to Get Married in December, When it Has Some Time Off
Chain-Smoker, during heat wave: Smoking does keep you active and engaged with the heat.
750 Third Avenue
New York, New York
12PM He Bought It From This Little Old Lady Who Said She Had Trouble With Flooding
Female co-worker: My uncle just bought a condom in Brooklyn. It's a real nice place.
Male co-worker: Really?
Female co-worker: Uh huh.
99 Church Street
New York, New York
9AM Hey, That Loaf of Rye Was Totally Coming on to Me!
Boss: That's what I hate about these people who take the Bible literally: it's so pick and choose! What about all the parts where you get stoned for looking at bread the wrong way?
Print shop
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: milu
12PM That's the Special Benefit
Co-Worker, reading email: Can you believe this shit?! The nerve! "For those over 50, special healthcare benefits." Over 50! How can they send me this shit and...Oh, there's a free lunch. [Pause] Well, maybe I'll go.
Trinity Place
New York, New York
5PM His Desk Plate Says 'I'd Rather Be Blistered'
Guy #1: Give me a break. I've been here since 6 AM!
Guy #2: Why would you do that to yourself?
Guy #1: Well, I've been a very bad boy, and I deserve a spanking. But that's too expensive here in the city so instead I do this.
469 7th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM No, I Still Work Here
Boss: Do you know what the difference between you and me is?
Employee: About 20 IQ points and a sense of style?
1 Lincoln Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: tried not to laugh out loud
10AM We're Flying One in From St. Petersburg
Female employee on phone: ...will you outsource the foreskin?
18th Street & Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mikey Z
9AM God, I Hate Snobs
Co-Worker on phone: I do not want to poop in my pants!...I'm way too fucking classy for that.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM Once We Manage to Think Something, We'll Know What It Is We Think
Suit #1: We need a visualization of the vision so we can see the motion and apply it to the organization.
Suit #2: Right!
World Financial Center
New York, New York
Overheard by: misspygmy
3PM He's Secretly a Huge Cystic Fibrosis Fan
Office manager: Did you make an anonymous donation to our MS bike team?
Intern: I wish!
51st Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
11AM As Required by the Laws of This State, I Hereby Sentence You to 6 Months of the History Channel
Blonde: What's your last name?
Brunette: Monroe.
Blonde: Oh! Are you related to Marilyn Monroe?
Brunette: No, but I am related to the president.
Blonde: George Bush?? No way!
60 Wall Street
New York, New York
10AM Rob Schneider? Is That You?
Customer: Can you draw something on the cake for me?
Employee: Sure, what do you want on it?
Customer: A dick.
Employee: I can do you one better. We've got these chocolate-covered bananas, and chocolate-covered cookie dough balls. I can put an edible, chocolate-covered dick and balls on your cake.
Customer: Fucking awesome!
Manager, walking in: Uh, what are you doing?
Employee: Making a dick cake.
Manager: Woo! Makin' a dick cake!
Ben & Jerry's, East Village
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sam
3PM Down Syndrome, My Ass. Get Out There and Work That Backhand!
Tennis instructor to day-campers: You were special last year. You are not special anymore. If you still suck this year, leave these courts.
Birchwood Swim & Tennis Club
Chappaqua, New York
Overheard by: rachel kieffer
2PM By French Standards, He Got an Obsequiously Polite Person on the Phone
Employee on phone with a French company: I'm sorry that you're offended that I don't speak French, sir...Well, I don't know what to tell you. I speak English and Korean; I just don't speak French. We have a great offer here. I think you'd like to hear about it, even in English...Well, if you'd like I can speak to you with what French I do know but I'm afraid it will only be "hello" and "yes" or "no."...I'm sorry that you think my lack of French represents what's wrong with America in general...
61 Broadway
New York, New York
10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense
Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.
120 West 106th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: George Feeney
5PM Sometimes on the Highway, He Just Lets Go of the Wheel
Boss: I'm just going to stop taking notes and just use yours after the meeting, because I have no idea what's going on.
545 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
2PM He Placed Out of the Class Where You Learn Not to Be a Jerk
Boss: Hey, do you think you could go down to the cafeteria and get me one of those teeny tiny things of 1% milk for my cereal?
Intern: You know, with my dual degree from business school, I think I may be able to swing that...I'll bring another intern as backup just in case.
555 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM This Conversation Has Gone Balls-Up
British employee: Well, this was supposed to be completed by now. It looks like it's gone all cock-up.
American #1: What?
British employee: I'm sorry, do you not have that phrase here?
American #2: In America, you can't say cock like that. I shouldn't hear you say cock.
American #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British employee: Ok, how's this: Fuck off.
1 Corporate Drive
Orangeburg, New York
9AM But They Still Look 17, and That Makes All the Difference
Teacher: You know, now that they are both 18, we can rape them, and it wouldn't be considered statutory.
2 Stewart Place
Eastchester, New York
Overheard by: Johnnymunz
11AM So If You're So Smart, How Do They Put Out the Fires, Then?
Man #1: No, you're not fucking listening here. There are no fire hydrants in the ocean.
Man #2: But we could...
Man #1: Oh my God. No fire hydrants! Are you hearing me? There are no fire hydrants in the ocean!
Insurance office
Woodbury, New York
12PM Let Me Explain: She Called You Inbred, and He Called You Illiterate
White guy: I come from a town of only 400.
Black girl: Whoa! That's weird. Your town was probably started by a brother and sister or something.
White guy: Actually, there's not a single brotha or sista in my town.
Black girl: What?
White girl: Oh, God.
Black girl: What do you mean? Is everyone in your town an only child?
White guy: No, there aren't any brothuhs or sistuhs. You know?
Black girl: I don't get it.
White girl: That's probably for the best.
One Park Place
Elmira, New York
Overheard by: Shannon
1PM And Then I'll Blow Up His Car
Boss: Well, I'm outta here! Too bad you have to stay!
Janitor: You're not letting him leave early?
Boss: No. I'm the boss. I get to go. He has to stay.
Janitor: Okay. Well, bye.
Boss: Bye! [He leaves]
Janitor: So you're leaving in five minutes, right?
Employee: I'll wait 'til he clears the building.
59 Maiden Lane
New York, New York
12PM I'm More Interested in the Idea of Cheese
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!
Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: burger lover
11AM He Got an Oscar for Best Posthumous Cross-Dressing Performance
Woman #1: I saw The Devil Wears Prada this weekend. It was really good, especially Marlon Brando.
Woman #2: Marlon Brando?
Woman #1: You know, that lady! What's her name?
Woman #2: Meryl Streep. Marlon Brando is dead. And a man.
245 5th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Thank God I Have This NyQuil in My Desk
Worker #1: I went to all the liquor stores this morning, and they were closed. They don't open until 10 AM.
Worker #2: Well, that's retarded. Haven't they ever heard of mimosas?
Worker #1: Or alcoholics?
37 West 20 Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: shenanigan
5PM We Need a Quorum to Get High
Vice-president #1, to vice-president #2: Now all we need is a bong and multiple partners!
37th Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jenn
3PM Less Than 35 Cats Isn't Pathetic At All
Co-Worker: She sounds like she has a lot of cats. Like 40. She probably lives with these forty cats and has a pathetic life. Just listen to that voice.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nicole J.
1PM When the Wellness Program Merged with After-Hours Self-Development
Woman #1: I can't just walk. I want a six pack.
Woman #2: Oh, I'll never have a six pack. I'm round in the middle, and I got no back!
Man: What the hell?
Woman #2: It's a rap song. Ain't my fault you've got no culture.
460 West 34th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: ahhaha
12PM This Is Making Me Hungry
Guy #1: Who was Chief then?
Guy #2: According to the record, Dick Eaton.
Guy #3: Wait. Dick Eaton? So if he were filling out a form today, last name first, he'd be...
Guy #1: You're right! Case closed, that says it all!
26 Federal Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: R. Smith
11AM Yeah, But She Never Did the Laundry or Cooked Dinner
Supervisor: He was just so big. I mean, they were married for five years, and they didn't even consummate the marriage!
Subordinate: Wow...but did they have sex?
260 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Marian
9AM Any Time There's No One Else in the Building, That Is
Supervisor: I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to keep this door to the hallway open.
Temp: But it's so noisy out there.
Supervisor: I'm sorry, but we like to have an open door policy. If you want, you can come talk to me about it privately at any time.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
Overheard by: a different temp
12PM Nah, the Saddle's Just For This Guy I Sometimes Torture Sexually
Female admin: What were you doing here at 7:40?
Male admin: I was rummaging through your stuff.
Female admin: Find anything of interest? My stuff is pretty boring.
Male admin: Really? I found that riding crop quite interesting.
Female admin: What?! I ride horses!!
Male admin: That would explain the saddle.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
10AM Kind of, But With...Not Sure Quite What the Word Is...
Co-Worker #1: Is that ice coffee?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah.
Co-Worker #1: Does it really taste like coffee?
57th and Lexington
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kimberly A.
2PM The Last Temptation of Chris
Married dude: The regular girl wasn't there so they sent the cute one.
Happily-Married dude: Uh huh, the ugly one wasn't there so you met with the cute one.
Married dude: I find her very attractive.
Happily-Married dude: You are married!
Married dude: But she's paralyzed from the waist down.
Happily-Married dude: You're married! So you are paralyzed from the waist down!
226 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dag
4PM I'd Forget My Head If It Weren't Attached...Wait...
Manager: I made a mental note about that, but I don't seem to have brought it with me.
State Office Campus
Albany, New York
Overheard by: schaefs
3PM Glossy, But Empty and Devoid of Meaning
Sales girl #1 to sales girl #2: Oh my God, you look so Teen Vogue today.
257 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corinna
10AM We Need More Support Staff
20-something woman: Just when I get my desk cleaned up, someone comes and dumps a pile of bras on it.
36th Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM I Heard Otherwise From the Last Guy Who Filled Your Cocoa Slot
Worker #1: They're out of orange juice again.
Worker #2: Yeah, and they haven't refilled the cocoa slot, either.
Worker #1: They're also out of Dr. Pepper.
Worker #3: Well, you could just have the Diet Dr. Pepper.
Worker #1: I'm not an animal!
1166 Sixth Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Next Time Think Before You Ask Someone What's Up Their Butt
Woman on phone: How did they pull it out? Did they cut you open or go up your butt-hole?
University Place
New York, New York
4PM I Want to Dip a Hamster In It, and I've Heard Stories
Guy: I'm writing this script that takes place in an office and I was wondering, is toner flammable?
570 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ethan
1PM It's Like Falling in Love All Over Again!
Employee on phone: I was picking a booger out of my nose before and lost it, and I didn't know where it went and I just found it on my finger.
390 Sixth Street
Huntington, New York
11AM Have You Considered Art School?
Girl #1: I should be a professional killer
Girl #2: What are you talking about?
Girl #1: Well, I was really good in riflery in camp. I hate people. And I love wearing black.
40 West 57th Street
New York, New York
3PM What Does He Think the Mad Cows Eat?
Editor, looking at ad for "Summer Garden Madness": Why is everything "madness"? There's nothing "madness" about a basket of vegetables.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: angry carrot
4PM Well, Pardon Me While I Prestidigitate Your Complementary Anaphylaxis
Account manager: You did a fantastic job on these business cards!
Art director: Shut up! Don't condense me.
Account manager: I'm serious! You're a curiative genius!
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
2PM What Else Am I Supposed to Do with a Tongue This Long?
Project manager: Stop making love over the phone!
810 Seventh Avenue
New York, New York
1PM ...And You Can See In This Graph Here That Worker Output Is Strongly Correlated to Stern (But Loving) Whippings
Boss cleaning office: Oh, look. I found my whip.
83 East 4th Street
New York, NY
2PM Legal Brief
Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.
575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Technical Advice
Engineer: Nasty letters always work!
315 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: Priscilla Perez
3PM Paternity Leave
Suit #1: Hey, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever! Still married?
Suit #2: Yup, expecting my first.
Suit #1: Really! When?
Suit #2: November 7th. Bitch finally finished her PhD so she could work, and now she's pregnant!
383 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Filler Article
Woman #1: I got to interview David Hasselhoff today.
Woman #2: You get all the best assignments!
Woman #1: I know, right?
450 West 33rd Street
New York, New York
2PM Dress Code
Coworker #1: I just got this suit at Paul Stuart. Do you like it?
Coworker #2: Yeah, you look like the Easter Pimp.
101 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Amazed
11AM Interior Design
Suit #1: Dude, you should have a sex room in your new place!
Suit #2: I do. It's my bedroom.
Suit #1: No, I mean one room that is just wall-to-wall matresses and shit.
45 Wall Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Trey Givens
1PM Refueling
Power broker #1: Two large cappuccinos.
Cashier: Thank you. That will be $4.50.
Power broker #1: Where's the cinnamon?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we're out of cinnamon.
Power broker #1: Then I don't want it!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Power broker #2: Okay, let's just bring it back to the office.
Power broker #1: No! Just give me my money back. I can't drink the foamy milk without the cinnamon.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mark
11AM Stock Exchange
Trader #1, wearing yarmulke: ...and your business is in Brooklyn?
Trader #2: No, Brooklyn is where the yams hang out. You know, your people.
200 Vesey Street
New York, New York
2PM Waiting Room
Girl #1: I use the pull and pray method.
Girl #2: Girl, pull and pray...they never do it. It doesn't work.
Girl #1: Yes it does! It just doesn't work ninety percent of the time.
45 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: not dating either of them
3PM Slush Pile
HR manager: God, I hate it when you bring me that junk!
Admin: These are people's resumes.
HR manager: Fine, shove your junk in my box.
Admin: Excuse me?
HR manager: Just leave it in my box. I'll throw it away in the morning.
80 Grasslands Road
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM Lunch
Employee: Oh, I've had their Mandarin Chicken Salad, but I didn't like it. Then again, I don't like Mandarins.
711 Third Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lolito
10AM Clarification Memo
Coworker: Derek's* married? To a WOMAN?!
165 West 46th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Beth
3PM Bake Sale
Teacher #1: What are they raising all this money for?
Teacher #2: For this lady in the cleaning crew. Apparently, her purse was stolen and she lost nine hundred bucks that she was planning to send home to her family in Mexico.
Teacher #1: Where's my nine hundred bucks? Since I started working here, I lost everything.
444 Pleasantville Road
Briarcliff Manor, New York
3PM Travel Planning
Professional: So, at the conference we stay four people to a room, two to each double bed.
Student worker: Two people in a double bed?! Can two people even fit in a double bed if they aren't having sex?
60 Washington Square South
New York, New York
Overheard by: amused queer
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: ...but that professor had his hand on my leg the whole night.
Coworker #2: The one who kept talking about torture?
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lily Carver
11AM Checking Calendar
Assistant: We want to confirm that you and your bomb-sniffing dog are on for 4:30.
1 New York Plaza
New York, New York
1PM Following Up on Fax
Admin on phone: I'm sorry I just wanted to double check that you received it. I am a bit of a wigger.
Pause.
Admin: Wigger? You know, I wig out about stuff.
Pause.
Admin: No, I don't know another meaning to the word wigger, but I guess it's bad since your're telling me not to say it.
333 Earle Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
9AM Back to Work (Or Not)
Voicemail: Please state your name and excuse for absence.
Employee: I'm too drunk to drive.
167 3rd Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
2PM Summer Internship Starts
Intern: Where's will-call? I have to drop off tickets.
Security dude: Will Call? Who's that? [Calls manager over]
Manager chick: You're looking for Will?
662 6th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Lunch
Proofreader: I have a totally exciting life . . . I think it's why I eat so much candy.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
3PM Research Issue
Proofreader #1: Is this a word?
Proofreader #2: No.
Proofreader #1: Then what is it?
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
1PM Meeting Prep
Passing hallway drone: You're so far off from being okay that I don't even know where to begin.
304 Park Avenue South
New York, New York
4PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: Hello? Hi honey. Yes? No, no. Mayonnaise. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? M. A. Y. O. N. N. A. I. S. E. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Okay, see you tonight.
1150 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Between Meetings
Suit #1: Whenever it rains, you come to work wearing plastic pants. Why do you get to wear plastic pants? My boss wouldn't let me wear plastic pants.
"Suit" #2: If you could do what I can do, you could wear plastic pants, too.
4 Irving Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM Lunch
Engineer: So, did you enjoy your Cinco de Mayo?
Secretary: Um. I was in Rhode Island for the weekend...
Engineer: Yeah, so?
Secretary: Ever been?
Engineer: Yeah, couple of times... what's your point?
Secretary: Heh. Rhode Island is like the white-bread capital, at least the part where I go is.
Engineer: Okaayyy... so there was no Cinco de Mayo celebration?
Secretary: Dude, lemme put it this way for ya: It's so damn white up there, they have white gardeners. Mexicans are like freakin' nonexistant up there. And don't even get me started on the nonexistance of black people. Hell, the last time I saw a black person while I was up there was the one we brought with us. . .and she kept singin' "Massa got me workin'" just to freak the rest of the whities out.
One Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: *snicker*
9AM Back to Work
Manager: Ok. Since it seems like [Dougie] doesn't want to be a part of the team and show up for meetings, [Steve], from now on, when you send out meeting requests, make sure the invitation is sent to him personally.
[Steve]: So basically, I should click a few more times to enable this otherwise unacceptable behavior?
Manager: Right.
[Steve]: Got it.
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
3PM Snack Run
Girl: I'm going to the store. Do you want anything?
Guy #1: Yeah, can you get me a Dr. Brown's black cherry soda?
Girl: Ok.
Guy #1, holding out cash: Here.
Girl: What's that?
Guy #2: It's called money. What? It's been so long since you seen it, you don't recognize it! Damn, next time hand her some post-it notes and let her be on her merry way!
250 West 30th Street
New York, New York
1PM Career Advice
Two real estate agents are returning from lunch.
Experienced agent: You're never going to make any money if you keep getting drunk like this.
73 West 19th Street
New York, New York
2PM Swearing In
Court officer speaking to almost-admitted attorneys awaiting ceremony: And when you stand, don't lock your knees or stand up straight, just relax and kind of hunch over, we don't want anyone to collapse -- it has happened before, and it is like attorney dominoes...
45 Monroe Place
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lans
2PM Supply Run
Coworker #1: Oh, can't find the paper clips.
Coworker #2: Can't find 'em?
Coworker #1: Nope, just like yesterday...where do they all go?
Coworker #2: I don't know.
Coworker #1: I don't know either.
Pause
Coworker #2: Do you want some of mine?
Coworker #1: Sure.
Coworker #2: How many would you like?
Coworker #1: Hmmm...well, I just need one for now, but I might need some more later...
Coworker #2: Ha, ha, ha, if you were on Survivor, your treasure would be paper clips.
Coworker #1: Ha, ha, ha, that's right -- dontcha know...
Coworker #2: Ha, ha, ha.
Coworker #1: Ha, ha, ha.
Coworker #2: Girl, please.
261 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Elizabeth
12PM Lunch
Male co-worker #1: Stay away from [Pam]. She knows kickboxing.
Male co-worker #2: So? I know how to run very, very fast.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM Coffee Break
Co-worker: I do find that when I wear my glasses I'm menaced by street hoodlums more.
176 Grand Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eli Mavros
12PM Lunch
Cubicle girl: [Brad], want anything from Taco Bell? I'm making a run.
[Brad]: Yeah, I'll go with you. But let me give you my order first.
Cubicle girl: But you're coming with me.
[Brad]: I don't want to forget what I want. So I want the spicy chicken, spicy, make sure it's spicy...
250 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Broker #1: Why is she laughing?
Broker #2: She already told you -- she thinks it's funny to buy gag candy and make everyone in the office fart.
Broker #1 laughs.
Broker #2: I mean, she's so young. We all want to kill the other people in the office and she just wants to make them fart.
Broker #1: Look at her, she's still laughing.
Broker #2: Ah, youth. All they do is giggle.
399 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: LH
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Wanna go eat lunch with us? We're having Ethiopian.
Co-worker #2: Ew! You're going to be eating beetles and shit.
Co-worker #3: Do we have to bring our own leaf to eat off of?
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy #1: Busy day tomorrow.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? What you got going on?
Guy #1: I'm going to pick up my babymamma tomorrow around 8 in the morning. We got a busy day ahead of us.
Guy #2: Word, you hanging out with your son?
Guy #1: Nope.
Guy #2: Oh.
Pause
Guy #1: Know any good hotels that charge by the hour?
State Capitol
Albany, New York
3PM Tea Run
Admin #1: Without extremes, normalcy wouldn't exist.
Admin #2: Wow, we're getting heavy now.
Admin #3: Back from tour one day, and you're already waxing poetic?
Admin #1: Wait, isn't that what fractals and Jurassic Park are about?
Admin #2 & 3: What?
Admin #1: Extremes, fractals and Jurassic Park. Wasn't anyone a nerd like me?
Admin #2: Um, no.
3 Lafayette Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Rumor mill is churning... apparently some analysts have happy hour plans from 6-8 at a bar upstairs from Planet Hollywood... $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to afford that after selling all of your earthly possessions except for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From selling my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-worker #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fancy dinner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters? It's only $3.00 apiece from Pavonia Newport mall in Jersey. We'll use the hamsters to make fur coats... Might be patchy due to the color variation of the hamsters.
Co-worker #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 hamsters, and we'll make ourselves a hamster farm in the men's bathroom. Within 2 weeks, 3,000 hamsters will increase exponentially, and once we're done selling them all, we'll have more than enough money to buy real fur coats.
Co-worker #1: We could eat the hamsters, too -- a good source of protein, also filling yet not too high on the calorie counter. Within six months, we can look like guys in fitness commercials, and mask our self-loathing with biceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Hamsters make good drinking buddies with their itsy weenie beer mugs and blunt humor. Let's try not to eat them.
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Reading Reports
Co-worker: That's it -- I'm getting nose glasses.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
3PM Conference Call
Guy on phone: We got new digs over here! Yeah, we moved out of the building with all the hot woman and into a big corporate building!
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Guy in elevator: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say, "You have no personal power!"
200 Varick Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Eve's droppings
10AM Coffee Break
Guy: The worst part of being a corrections officer is when the prisoners want to fight you.
Suit: Yeah, that seems like it would be dangerous.
Guy: No, it's just that I hate the paperwork.
327 Lakeshore Drive East
Dunkirk, New York
3PM Decaf Break
Implementation person: I usually don't get pregnant from moving into a new apartment.
Operations person: But that's the first step, though.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Anchor: As long as it's not forced sodomy, it's okay.
524 West 57th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: News Bunny
5PM That's a Wrap
Drone #1: Hey, [Mark]?
Drone #2: Yeah?
Drone #1: You leave yet?
Drone #2: Nope, still here.
388 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Cranium S. Leeking
10AM Mailing Due
Suit: Did you send that acceptance to [Rutter]?
Admin: No. Just the offering.
Suit: I asked you to send the offering and the acceptance.
Admin: I heard you asking me to send the offering, but after that I blanked out.
Suit: Well, let me know when you blank back in.
520 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Greek Goddess
11AM Send Out Faxes
Assistant #1: I just accidentally punched that girl in the head by the fax machine.
Assistant #2: Good.
Assistant #1: Yeah, but then she said "Ow" all drawn out and gave me a nasty look.
Assistant #2: What a bitch.
Assistant #1: Quit squatting by the fax machine and I won't punch you in the head.
233 Spring Street
New York, NY
4PM Smoke Break
Ad Design #1: I'm having trouble of sleeping and was thinking of getting Ambien.
Ad Design #2: You're too young to take sleeping pills. Have you tried crack?
151 West 34th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sarah
1PM Lunch
Director: I feel like she's staring into my soul.
Producer: It's a good feeling, isn't it?
35 West 4th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: jen d.
4PM Cruise Job Listings
Co-worker #1: If I ever get fired, I really want to sell myself on the streets.
Co-worker #2: Like a prostitute?
6350 Transit Road
Depew, New York
1PM Head Out for a Bite
Maniac: Come in, I won't bite anymore.
Worker: ...Won't bite...anymore?
Maniac: I usedta work at a veternarian. He usedta lock me up with the animals in a cage! When they'd bark, the only way to get them to stop was to bark at them. And bite them--on the ear!
708 Broadway elevator
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevin Davidson
2PM Laugh at Interns
Intern #1: Well, we got these power packs for our laptops. But how do we charge them?
Intern #2: Um...you plug it in the wall!
Intern #1: How was I supposed to know that?
300 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: This has high-fructose corn syrup.
Worker #2: So you're drinking colored sugar water.
Worker #1: This doesn't even contain water.
Worker #2: What's the first ingredient?
Worker #1: Oh.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, NY
12PM Planning Meeting
Worker #1: So did I answer your question?
Worker #2: No, but you entertained me.
242 West 36th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Supervising Editor: That's why I hate bananas. They're just too unpredictable.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
11AM Interviews
Interviewer: Are you persuasive?
Candidate: I call it force of personality. Like, I read people and
then I get them to do things by acting different ways. Like some people, I yell at them. I'm not mean but I yell at them. But like my boss, I can't yell at him.
Interviewer:Because he's your boss?
Candidate: No. He does better if I do like, a little girl act. You know? Like, "Oh please."
Interviewer: Um, okay. So, who is your favorite designer?...This isn't a trick question. I just want to know.
Candidate: My favorite designer is United Colors of Benetton.
721 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: mean girls
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Okay [Megan], you're going to do all the work and I'm going to go get drunk.
Admin: Okay.
Boss: Oh, why was I born? I should've married rich.
Admin: Rich who?
99 Wall Street
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?
113 University Place
New York, NY
11AM Work on Template
Temp: I have a few questions about the PowerPoint project that I'm trying to get my head around.
Manager: Okay.
Temp: So what do you want again?
Manager: I just want a template...Something visual that we can use over and over.
Temp: What do you want in it?
Manager: I don't know. That's why I want a template. So I need you to create something that looks like the department standard, with our logo and so on, the right corporate background color, with dummy copy as placeholders.
Temp: So where do I find the words you want in it?
Manager: They don't exist yet. We're working on that. That's why it's a template and not a final project.
Temp: So what do you want in all the boxes?
Manager: Nothing. Just a place so I can go in and write it. I just want a formatted background and text boxes in place.
Temp: Right, but what should I put in the text boxes?
Manager: Whatever you want.
Temp: So let me get this right: You want me to create a PowerPoint with place for different words.
Manager: Yes.
Temp: But you don't know what the words are?
Manager: That's why it's a template.
Temp: I see. So I will just use one of the PowerPoint templates.
Manager: No. It needs to be in the style of the company. Those are too generic.
Temp: I'm confused.
Manager: It seems so.
Temp: Can I just do it in Word?
111 East 59th Street
New York, NY
4PM Group Meeting
Group Manager: Just to let you know, your boss went to go get his AIDS shot for his travel to India.
Co-worker: What I don't understand is, why don't we all get the AIDS shot?
Group Manager: Um, that was a joke.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: John Leffler
10AM Requisition a Broom
Exec: Who made a mess over here by the shredder?
Assistant: I was throwing confetti at myself.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Make Reservations
Manager: [Ben], just go ahead and reserve two spots for me.
Assistant #1: Did you just say [Jeffrey]?
Manager: What? No, I said [Ben].
Assistant #1: Well, I heard my name.
Manager: 'Cause youre a narcissist! [Ben], don't you think he's a
narcissist?
Assistant #2: I plead the Fifth.
Manager: C'mon [Ben], don't be a pussy!
Assistant #2: I'm going to be a pussy! I'm new!
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
4PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Excuse me, I'm not a woman I am a man and you are being very nasty...I'm not yelling at you; do you want me to yell at you?
1650 Broadway
New York, NY
4PM Ad Copy Due
Co-worker #1: Do you guys know anybody with bad teeth?
Co-worker #2: I have pretty bad teeth.
Co-worker #1: No, somebody young.
Co-worker #2: So I have bad teeth and I'm old?
Co-worker #1: No, it's for an anti-meth advertisement.
Co-worker #2: Well, I know people with bad teeth, but they're all meth-heads.
78 Clinton Street
New York, NY
2PM Make Offer
Suit #1: Well, you've heard more than I have. I can think of three candidates, then.
Suit #2: And one very close to you.
Suit #1: Yes.
Suit #2: There's Bill.
Suit #1: Yes.
Suit #2: And Mark.
Suit #1: Yes.
Suit #2: And that good-looking guy from Connecticut, the one with the hair.
Suit #1: Right.
Suit #2: Hmm.
140 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: How was your weekend?
Worker #2: Good. I almost got married; the usual.
393 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jess McGins
3PM Lindsay & Andrew's Birthday Thing
Manager: You brought in cake and didn't include me in the e-mail?
Co-worker: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I got everyone.
Manager: Bitch.
260 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: briarose
2PM Post-meeting
Worker #1: I can't believe [Jim] didn't show up for the meeting.
Worker #2: I know. He has some nerve.
Worker #1: I hope he gets a painful rash in the anal region...if you know what I mean.
245 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Post Job Listing
Boss: It's not like she's moving to another state; she's just moving out of state.
70 Charles Lindbergh Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Receptionist: And how are we feeling this morning?
Patient: Yeah, yeah! Here's my co-payment.
15 West 39th Street
New York, NY
4PM Rearrange Cubes
Intern: You're just going to have to hold it while I push down on it. You hold still and I'll push. Ugh. It's too big. It just won't fit.
1450 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Cubicle #1: I just realized Monday is your birthday. You'll be...28?
Cubicle #2: Yeah. You know, ten years ago I thought I'd be all married with kids by now. Living in Red Bank or Cheesequake or something.
Cubicle #1: Wow, thank god none of that came true.
Cubicle #2: I know.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Restock Cabinet
Magazine Editor: Can you help me? I think the stapler's broken...See it's broken because it doesn't have any staples.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Suit #1: So how have you been lately?
Suit #2: Eh, you know, overworked.
Suit #1: Yeah, same here...By the way, nice tan you've got there.
Suit #2: Thanks, you too.
590 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
9AM It Begins Again
Boss: Where the fuck is my breakfast? Why hasn't it been delivered yet? I'm not even hungry anymore, I could have raised my own fucking chicken for the eggs and planted my own fucking orange tree by now.
Worker: You didn't order anything with eggs.
135 West 36th Street
New York, NY
2PM Interviews
Nursing Aide: What do I do?
CSR: Just fill out the brown application.
Nursing Aide: Okay, I filled out my name, but where do I put my address?
CSR: No ma'am, the brown application. That is a calendar.
99 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: praying I don't need medical attention
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: There he goes, tossing his salad again. Isn't that a phrase? Doesn't that mean something? "Tossing the salad"?
Temp: Yes, it's a phrase.
Worker #1: But what does it mean? Is it like, "I'm gonna kick your ass"? "I'm gonna toss your salad"?
Temp: Um, not exactly.
Worker #2: Yeah, I've heard that, too. What does that mean? Do you know?
Temp: Yes, I know, but it's kind of inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh really? What does it mean?
Temp: It's inappropriate for work.
Worker #1: Oh come on, just tell me.
Temp: Well, it's...analingus.
Worker #1: Oh. Really?
Worker #2: I never heard that.
Worker #1: "I'm gonna toss your salad". Huh.
Worker #3: ...If anyone was made uncomfortable by this conversation, come talk to me later.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Urinal #1: I am going home for the day. Take care, you have a good one.
Urinal #2: Thanks; I didn't even know you were looking.
3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
3PM Coffee Break
Cube #1: You know what? I wish I was drinking like...some King Cobra right now.
Cube #2: Oh, I know.
Cube #1: Or like a log of chocolate.
Cube #2: Yeah. Chocolate. In the shape of an actual log.
Cube #1: Yeah.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
11AM File Report
User: My computer won't turn on.
Tech: The tower is missing. How do you expect to use a computer someone stole?
User: Well, they left the keyboard, mouse and monitor. Is that something?
498 7th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Sensitivity Training
Boss: So what's the going rate for hiring midgets these days?
Boss: Yeah, I'm sure you can just fire up Google and type in "Midget to hire tri-state" and somthin's gonna pop up.
12 East 46th Street
New York, NY
11AM Conference Call
Employee #1: Okay, we'll send an intern over, then.
Employee #2 on speaker: That'd be great. Do you have any Asians?
250 Park Ave South
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Supervisor: We have a call-out
Boss: Why's he calling out?
Supervisor: Says his house caught fire.
Boss: Bullshit! Tell him we want a pic of him fighting the fucking fire! Then we'll authorize the call-out!
731 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: RedManInc
3PM Smoke Break
Lawyer on cell: Why do you call me when you're trying to name your cats, but you don't call me when you're served with a subpoena?
509 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant #1: I want to stab my eyes out. Is that normal?
Assistant #2: Yes.
Assistant #1: Just wanted to make sure.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Out of Here
Messenger: Going down?
Passenger: You want we should go sideways?
15 West 39th Street
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: She came over to our area, started bothering us, and then complained about the noise. She just gets me really riled up sometimes.
Co-worker #2: The other girls seem to like her.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's why you have to be nice to her. Otherwise I'd set her on fire.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I swear, you'd think we never eat the way we jump on the free food.
Co-worker #2: If it weren't for work I don't think I would eat.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, but I always forget and eat and then I have to eat again when it's free.
Co-worker #2: Not me. I wait for it. But sometimes that's bad, 'cause like, then one day I'll be hungry and I'll be all like, "Why didn't you guys have a meeting today?!"
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Schedule Interviews
Co-worker #1: What happened to that [Veronica] girl?
Co-worker #2: She quit already.
Co-worker #1: After one day?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I don't think she was that into this whole thing.
Co-worker #1: What, marketing?
Co-worker #2: No...Work.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter
5PM Here's the Weekend
Manager: Have a good weekend.
Underling: You're leaving?
Manager: You're not.
452 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
1PM Lunch
Intern #1: So are you lactose intolerant?
Intern #2: No, I'm not lactose intolerant, it just makes my throat close up.
304 Hudson Street
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Engineer #1: You ever have one of those drives into work where you swear they're giving out driver's licenses as prizes in people's cereal in the morning?
Engineer #2: Mine came with a free decoder ring!
151 Court Street
Binghamton, New York
1PM Lunch
Consultant #1: Where is [Jeff]?
Consultant #2: He's not in my cubicle. That leaves the rest of the universe for you to search.
Consultant #1: Is he at lunch?
Consultant #2: If you're going to start looking, do it now. The universe closes at 5.
250 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
VP:I swear to God, the assistant at [DouglasCo] is so stupid.
Admin: Hey, even stupid people need jobs.
Coworker: Yeah. Some of them even make it to VP.
388 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
5PM Here Comes a Long Weekend!
Co-worker #1: Hey, we get off for February 20th, too.
Co-worker #2: Oh, for President's Day? Wait, when is Independence Day? That's in the summer, right?
Co-worker #1: Uh, yeah, that's July 4th.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
4PM QA
User: I don't want a customer to be able to login and they might guess that their password is "welcome."
Tech: We can change it to, let's say, "monkey123."
User: Well, what if they guess "monkey123"?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: I told you not to shit in the bathroom.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Architect #1: She's an artist.
Architect #2: No, she's crazy.
515 Canal Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Emma B
11AM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Associate: I have a idea that might be helpful.
Manager: You know what a suggestion is? It's an OFI: Opportunity For Improvement.
327 West 14th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Fidget
10AM Swing by Trading Floor
Trader: When I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow, my doctor is going to wonder why I have two assholes.
Trader: Lance Armstrong has more balls than I do.
Trader: Why don't I just go to prison? Then I wouldn't have to pay to get fucked in the ass.
50 Broad Street
New York, NY
3PM Seth's Birthday Thing
Supervisor: Boy, that was one killer party! I've never kissed so many butts at once in my life!
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Client Meeting
Producer: So, here is everything you need for the meeting.
Account Person: Okay. Did you get a chance to make the changes we talked about?
Produer: What changes?
Account Person: The changes that were brought up in the call. I talked about them in the conference wrap-up email.
Producer: I didn't get a conference wrap-up email.
Account Person: Well I know, I didn't send it to you yet.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: Yeah, some guy just fell from the 72nd down onto the 6th floor.
Co-worker #2: Is he dead?
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Work on Project
Co-worker #1: Well, it's not going to be ready now...
Co-worker #2: I don't think it's due to be done until the due date.
1 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
10AM Department Meeting
Boss: This is not an interactive meeting, so no feedback of any kind. Every customer who gives a commitment today will get a $350 Home Depot giftcard. This is only until the end of business today.
Loan Officer: But I got a customer commitment yesterday. Can I tell her that we will send her one?
Boss: Didn't I just say that this meeting is not interactive? I won't answer your stupid questions.
Loan Office: ...So what's the answer?
The boss storms out.
Loan Officer: I'll just ask him later.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: What are you still doing here? I told you to go home early.
Employee: I know. Have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption?
Boss: Yes.
Employee: Remember what happened to the prisoner that finally got his freedom? He ended up hanging himself because he didn't know what to do with his free time.
440 9th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Find New Intern
Worker #1: Yeah, maybe he wasn't the best intern.
Worker #2: How was I supposed to know he'd go off his meds?
Worker #1: He sure did love opening mail, though.
Worker #2: Yeah. He sure did love opening mail.
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
10AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Producer: Alan Greenspan is leaving the Fed and so our business anchor is crying.
1 Time Warner Center
New York, NY
Overheard by: The McCrum
12PM Budget Meeting
Manager: We should do it. I'm just concerned that the cost will be too exuberant for us to overcome.
180 Varick Street
New York, NY
11AM Rewrite Memos
Co-worker #1: Can you believe the way that this memo is written? It's like every statement is questioning.
Co-worker #2: Maybe it was written in Canada.
120 East Washington Street
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: Donnie Baker
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: He figured out how to take the "this was sent from a BlackBerry" message off, so he can email and nobody knows he's not in the office.
Worker #2: Gosh, he's sneaky.
900 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Duncan
3PM Smoke Break
Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Didn't you wear that shirt two days ago?
Co-worker #2: Huh? What? I don't know...
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I remember you had that sweater on a couple of days back.
Co-worker #2: Did you look that up on www.victoriaknowswhateveryonewears.com? Oh wait, it kicks back to another site, www.gofuckyourselfvictoria.com.
460 West 34th Street
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Okay, thanks...Hey...Are you wearing white pants? Wow. You are. This is like...some kind of day. I never seen a man wearing white dress pants here before.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Officers Meeting
Boss: Okay, it's nearly 5, so we're going to take a different approach to the voting this time. After the meeting minutes are completed, I'll email all of our ideas to everyone tomorrow, and you can email me back your votes for the best one.
Underling: Are we voting today or tomorrow?
425 Park Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I'm so busy today.
Co-worker #2: Why? Thursday is the new Friday.
521 5th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Call Tech Support
Co-worker #1: Did you hear about that audition?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: You didn't get that email?
Co-worker #2: No. My email must be broken.
Co-worker #1: What else haven't you gotten?
Co-worker #2: Well, if my email is broken, how could I possibly know that?
270 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
11AM System Implementation Meeting
Boss: It's not so much fast-paced as it is boring.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
9AM Back to the Pit
Co-worker: Stop putting on your makeup at work! Do it on the subway, like normal people!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: How's the weather outside, is it cold?
Worker #2: Girl, I've been working with you in the office all morning.
Worker #1: Well, at least you get to talk to people on the phone. I thought someone might have said something.
14 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
2PM Fax Offer Letter
Co-worker: I just walked past the copy and fax machine area, and all the hair on my arms stood straight up like a science fiction movie!
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
CSR: You know sometimes when you blow, you can feel it in your throat?
Secretary: No, I don't blow that hard.
CSR: Well, I blow hard and I can feel it sometimes. It sucks.
541 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S Dropper
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Oh, I keep having these irrational dreams too. The other night I dreamt that I made this little mistake and it brought down like the entire company. And in the papers it said, "entire company went down because of this one stupid assistant!" And everyone knew my name and I couldn't get a job anywhere, so I have to move to Europe and marry a guy to get my visa. Then I was a product of domestic abuse because he knew I was co-dependent on him.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
3PM Smoke Break
Intern: They didn't have Guinness, so we had pure Jameson and Bailey shots.
Manager: Oh, well.
Intern: Laced with something else.
Associate: PCP?
Intern: Who knows?
Manager: Could it have been PCP?
Intern: It tasted awfully sweet.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Ooh, that smells nice.
Co-worker #2: It's salami. I got it in Czechoslovakia.
Co-worker #1: I didn't know the Czechs were famous for salami.
Co-worker #2: They're not. It's Hungarian salami.
7520 Astoria Boulevard
Jackson Heights, New York
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: [Comtech], accounts receiveable, this is [Brett]...Yes, this is [Comtech]...This is the accounts receivable department, yes...My name is [Brett]...[Brett]!
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
9AM TGIF
Co-worker #1: Would it be wrong if we left to get breakfast?
Co-worker #2: Why would it be wrong?
Co-worker #1: Well, it's only 9 o'clock.
Co-worker #2: So?
Co-worker #1: I don't know. It seems like maybe we should wait a little bit.
Co-worker #2: No way! I've been here since 8:30. I've worked enough.
Co-worker #1: All right. Let's go, then.
Co-worker #2: Hold on. I just painted my nails. Takes forever to dry.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Do they have color by numbers in England?
Co-worker #2: Mmm, I dunno. Ask [Denis], he's British.
Co-worker #1: They have fish sticks, right?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I think they're called something else.
205 Hudson Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Guillermo Echevarria
10AM Order Book
Our sister site has been collected into Overheard in New York, the book. It's a collection of the hilarious and horrendous material from the site, as well as a bunch of stuff we saved just for the book.
It's perfect reading for the commute to the office, and a great way to kill time from 9 to 5. You can order it here.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
9AM They're At It Again
Co-worker #1: Don't you think the enter key is kind of phallic? You know--how it's all "enter" with an arrow pointing?
Co-worker #2: Huh. Yeah. Weird.
Co-worker #1: And there's the backspace button too. Arrow points the same way.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, maybe that's so gay people don't feel left out?
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's a Wrap
Cubicle #1: I seriously just saw the churchy lady feel some guy up right now.
Cubicle #2: What?
Cubicle #1: Yeah. he looked horrified too.
Cubicle #2: Huh. What kind of "feeling up" are we talking here?
Cubicle #1: I'll show you when I go down there.
Cubicle #3: Sounds good.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Did you know that the egg yolk was never able to be a chicken unless it's fertilized?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I mean, like eating this hard-boiled egg is like eating the eggs that you expel during your period.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, like right now I mean, you could get down and just lap it up.
845 United Nations Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sharon
4PM Order Supplies
Co-worker #1: Can I borrow a colored pen?
Co-worker #2: Here's a red one, but I may need it later for drawing fire.
525 7th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Test Phones
Shipping Manager: I can't hear anything on my phone whenever I make or receive a call. Can you check it out for me?
IT Director: Did you get your hearing checked?
4055 Casilio Parkway
Clarence, New York
9AM The Mornings Keep Coming
Secretary: Good morning, Mr. [Stirner].
Caseworker: Good morning. Oh shit! What happened to your hair?
Secretary: Nothing, why?
Caseworker: Everytime I see you, your hair is a different color. what color will it be tomorrow?
Secretary: I haven't decided. What color do you suggest? Green, purple, gold?
815 Broadway
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: BabyGirl
11AM Get Mail
Mailroom worker: I know she in there 'cause I can smell her. Sweet and savory.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pookiepie
9AM Climbing Back to Work
Worker #1: Oh my, I hate these elevators. You never know what you're gonna get, kinda like those roller coasters. You know, they really have a mind of their own.
Worker #2: Yeah! And then you have these crazy doors, too, where you need to do the karate chop to make them stay open. And you do it and you say to yourself, "Oh heavens, this is one karate fight I'm not gonna win!"
1450 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Get Messages
Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.
156 West 56th Street
New York, NY
2PM Layoff Announcements
Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: I have to leave in like two hours.
Worker #2: I just got here...
Worker #1 & #2: Ha, ha!
Worker #1: Isn't that what flex-time means, anyway?
4 Columbus Circle
New York, NY
Overheard by: cindy
10AM Sitdown with HR
Boss: ...Right where a woman belongs!
Co-worker: Where's that, [Kevin]?
Boss: In the kitchen!
Co-worker: Oh, you did not just say that!
Boss: No, you're right...I didn't.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
4PM Send Out Tuition Check
Housing: You need to sign this form that talks about the potential risks of lead paint.
Student: Lead paint? Could that be dangerous?
Housing: No.
Student: Really?
Housing: Well, I wouldn't lick the walls.
400 West 119th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: djlindee
10AM Print Reports
Engineer: Ah, crap.
Secretary: Whatsamatta?
Engineer: Printer's giving me an error message.
Secretary: And what does it say?
Engineer: Tray two is empty..
Secretary: Well, then fill it. Reams are right next to it.
Engineer: Yeah, uh, well, which tray is tray two?
Secretary: Gee, I don't know; maybe the one labeled "two"?
Engineer: Oh, that's what those numbers mean?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
2PM Find Out What Those Plumbers Said
Plumber #1: So what about Jeanette?
Plumber #2: She pisses me off, man. That bitch pisses me off so much I want to cut her into little pieces. You know what I mean?
Plumber #1: I know what you mean.
Translated from the Spanish.
145 East 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Spooner
10AM Schedule Meetings
Worker #1: Do you have any time available to meet on Thursday?
Worker #2: It will be pretty tough; I have back to back meetings all day.
Worker #1: How about 11AM?
Worker #2: Okay, I have nothing scheduled at all between 9AM and 5PM.
140 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: HardlyWorking
11AM Staff Meeting
Boss: Take me as a critic, but then also look at it with a hypocritical eye yourself.
25 Broadway,
New York, NY
12PM Meeting with HR
Supervisor: I didn't just say that to him because he's gay, I would've said the same thing to you.
Worker: Oh yeah? How do you know I'm not gay?
Supervisor: I don't. Are you?
Worker: Yes.
Supervisor: Okay then, have a nice day...
716 West Genesee Street
Syracuse, New York
12PM Revisit Questionnaire
Suit #1: All my clients complain that the questionnaire package we require is too onerous.
Suit #2: Really? I never get any complaint about ours.
Boss: Well, have you ever seen his package? Maybe you two should get together and compare packages.
245 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Find a New Ride Home
Assistant teacher: Shit, never get in a car with him. He drove me home once, and halfway home I realized he was so drunk, and he wouldnt let me out of the car. He started going almost 80 miles an hour!
Teacher: Oh, I thought he was a good driver. When I got in the car, though, he just said, "I'm just warning you. I'm a little tipsy right now."
450 Glen Cove Avenue
Glen Head, New York
4PM Caren Out
Clerk #1: Why is she leaving now?
Clerk #2: She had to leave early to go get her brakes fixed. She was going on and on how they weren't working this morning.
Clerk #1: So they're going to start suddenly working now or is she just going to pray for green lights the whole way?
2121 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
11AM Sales Meeting
Head of sales: You came to this meeting on Monday morning and you know I'm going to be asking questions. So even if you don't know the answers, make some shit up. You're in sales, you have to sell, so make shit up!
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
Nurse #1: But don't be swayed by the money.
Nurse #2: I'm not swayed by the money. I like being poor.
157 East 86th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kira
12PM Admin Interviews
Flunky #1: She's trying to hire a secretary. She said she wants someone to get here early in the morning and unlock her office door before she gets here, so she'll be able to just walk in.
Flunky #2: So...who's going to wipe her ass?
525 East 68th Street
New York, NY
9AM Gold Help Me
Assistant on phone: Hey [Lindsay], my little dancing queen, I had a great time last night...Hope you did, too...
Co-worker: He's always so vocal the day after he's gotten laid.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Client Meeting
Manager #1: Do you think Christmas carols are appropriate for when the
prospective client comes in at 2?
Manager #2: What's wrong with Christmas carols?
Manager #1: I just feel like it doesn't represent us.
Manager #2: You're asking the wrong person, because I love christmas carols.
Underling: Well, [the CEO] is the one who put this playlist on.
Manager #1 & #2: Oh, okay.
552 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Schedule Flights for Conference
Employee #1: Where's she going, Georgia or Atlanta?
Employee #2: Atlanta. Well, a suburb of Atlanta
Employee #1: Wait, why she said she's going to Georgia?
Employee #2: She's going to Atlanta.
Employee #1: What's that, like the capital? I thought Georgia was the
capital?
Employee #2: No, Atlanta, it's like New York City
Employee #1: I always get those two confused.
Employee #2: She's going to Atlanta. Hotlanta. Well, Decatur. It's a
suburb.
Employee #1: So why did she say she was going to Georgia?
636 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
11AM Prep for Telecom Meeting
Co-worker #1: "Telephony"? Really? That's a word?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I know. I hate when words that usually end in "e" suddenly end in "y." It's like finding yourself in a world with neither floor nor ceiling.
Co-worker #1: ...You're freakin' nuts, dude.
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Dani
9AM I Knew It Was Spiked with Something
Co-worker #1: So she is like, what, the second one pregnant?
Co-worker #2: Yes, you have to be careful drinking water around here.
Co-worker #1: Stop it! Stop it! Now I have to go take a pregnancy test!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Suit #1: Over on 49th, there's a truck parked with a bunch of girls dancing in bikinis. It's to promote Cancun.
Suit #2: For you it's to promote a heart attack.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Meeting at ASPCA
Attendant: Is the cat male or female?
Animal Cop: Female.
Attendant: So you checked?
Animal Cop: No, I didn't check the plumbing, if that's what you mean.
Attendant: So how do you know it's a female?
Animal Cop: Because the cat was feisty. Kind of like my wife.
326 110th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: M.L. Liu
3PM Snack Break
Boss: Hey everyone! It's the annual popcorn tin.
Employee: Ooh! I love popcorn tins.
Boss: Yeah, but you're lookin' a little fat, so we're gonna keep it away from you.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
2PM IT Conference Call
Tech Support: Okay, I need you to go to a command prompt and type
"'mail from:' your email address" and this should get you a connection.
User: It didn't work.
Tech Support: Okay, so you typed "'mail from:' your email address" and it didn't work for you?
User: Wait a minute. Did you say you wanted me to type "nail" or "mail"?
1010 Niagara Street
Buffalo, New York
10AM Board Meeting
President: You really need to stop asking so many questions and start figuring things out for yourself, especially when you are out producing jobs.
Worker: You're right, I realize that. I'm trying harder.
President: And about this job you worked Saturday night; did you know what you were doing there?
Worker: To be honest, I wasn't sure on some things.
President: Well, did you ask anyone what your role was supposed to be? If you don't know something you really need to start asking questions. People are here to help you.
200 West 57th Street
New York, NY
4PM More Party Planning
Manager: We're totally gonna win! We're gonna build the holiday tower of pain!
101 Truman Avenue
Yonkers, New York
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Well, when I asked you over for lunch I asked if there was something you didn't eat besides cheese...Well I'm just saying you should have told me you didn't eat pork when I asked...Yes, I know you're Jewish...Well whatever you are, you're an idiot and a liar. You should have told me about the pork...Ew, she's your first cousin.
622 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Marketing Session
Co-worker #1: Are Abercrombie and Fitch catalogs homoerotic?
Co-worker #2: Oh my god. Totally!
Co-worker #1: But they aren't gay, right?
Co-worker #2: What do you think homoerotic means?
584 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: The first time I had a Krispy Kreme doughnut, it honestly changed my life.
1125 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Call HR
Secretary: I can't talk to her any longer. She's so disrespectful.
Boss: ...Really.
Secretary: Yes! Can you please talk to her 'cause I've had enough.
Boss: Well, since we've been acquired by the new company, they're really big on that.
Secretary: Huh?
Boss: You know. Respect. It used to be a lot easier around here.
1775 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Forward Some Spam
Boss: I think there's something wrong with my computer! You better call the help desk.
Assistant: Sure, what's the problem?
Boss: Well, I logged into my computer this morning and I only have 5 emails.
Assistant: ...And you usually have more.
Boss: Yes, I have at least 50 each morning.
Assistant: The help desk can only fix your computer, not your popularity. Sorry.
1775 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Conference Call
Employee on phone: Yeah, that's a little redundant.
Boss: You can say that again.
1 Whitehall Street
New York, NY
9AM Tread Lightly Today
Co-worker on phone: "What am I working on?" I'm working on not killing anyone. What're you working on?
640 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
5PM I'm Running Home
Co-worker: If we can have trampolines and flying elves, then I can be Stevie Wonder!
75 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: CC
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: It's such a nice day today, I'll have lunch au naturale.
Co-worker #2: Thanks for the warning.
40 West 57th Street
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
Co-worker #1: It happened at 9:30 this morning...Between 9 and 10.
Co-worker #2: Is that when 9:30 is?
1633 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: The Muskrat Jones
1PM Lunch
Nurse: How did I know this elevator was going down?
Man: I don't know; my guess would be the down arrow above the
door, though...
Davis Avenue at East Post Road
White Plains, New York
12PM Work on Database
Coder #1: I liked the fix you did on that bug.
Coder #2: When in doubt, just take away access from the user. It's a fascist approach, but I swear by it.
Coder #1: Right...
141 West 28th Street
New York, NY
12PM Weekly Meeting
Boss: So why did they start having this weekly meeting anyway?
Co-worker: It started out with all of us sitting around eating pizza, talking casually; you know, just shooting the fan.
525 East 68th Street
New york, NY
1PM Lunch
Account Exec #1: You're acting weird today. You're like, high.
Account Exec #2: I need a juicebox!
462 7th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Orientation
New Hire #1: So, what time do you think we'll report to our boss?
New Hire #2: Probably in like an hour?
New Hire #3: No, probably later because we have to take the urine test.
New Hire #1: What? Why do we have to take a hearing test?
New Hire #2: No, the drug test!
New Hire #1: Huh?
280 Park Avenue
New York, NY
5PM That's Enough for Today
Suit #1: Oh, fucking great. This is how-- [Jon] is getting married. And I have to sign this stupid card along with everyone else like--
Suit #2: Wow, hostile much? We barely know him.
Suit #1: Oh, I know his fiancee quite...ugh, never mind.
71 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Intern hears all
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: I think the pills of my dreams would allow me to eat whatever I wanted and never get above a size 4.
Co-worker #2: Those already exist. They're called laxatives.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jess
9AM Good Morning, Office!
Lawyer #1: What does that mean again?
Lawyer #2: Listen, if you can't figure out this report, you're fired.
452 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Bob
4PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: You're really getting good at that.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, but I keep thinking the little running chef in
BurgerTime looks disturbingly like Jim Cramer.
Co-worker #3: Can't you at least pretend you're working?
250 West 55th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: MadMoney
11AM Meeting with NJ Branch Folks
Co-worker on phone: When you get out of the subway station start walking North--
Manager: Don't tell them that...your North is different from my North and it's a tarantula downpour outside. You don't want them walking the wrong way in the rain.
Co-worker: Everyone's North is the same and it's torrential downpour.
Manager: Everyone's North is the same? I always get my Norths mixed up.
535 8th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Angie Rowe
3PM Cigarette Break
Employee #1: People hate smokers now.
Employee #2: They really do!
Employee #1: We're piranhas.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Patrick
1PM Lunch in Cafeteria
Employee: No one comes here anymore, it's too crowded.
383 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: kt
2PM Orientation
CSR: So if someone calls and asks to be transferred to Darryl, I transfer the call to Darryl, right?
51 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Work on Newsletter
VP: Our newsletter is gonna be sexy.
Co-worker: I thought we're trying to be more corporate.
VP: I'm the VP of corporate development, and i'm telling you we're sexy!
100 William Street
New York, NY
5PM This Office Stinks; I'm Done
Co-worker #1: Hey, do you remember back in school when every school had the smelly kid? You know, he had no particular reason for smelling and no one could never place it but, nonetheless, he had a bad, stale smell to him?
Co-worker #2: Ha, ha. Yeah, I do. Why?
Co-worker #1: If this office was a school, you'd be the smelly kid and you need to do something about it.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Matty K
12PM Call Heidi
Lawyer on phone: ...No...No....They can't take your kids away for smokin' pot, that's bullshit...Ha, ha, ha!
500 5th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Well, Remind Me in the Morning
Exec: Okay, before I forget...um. I already forgot.
460 Park Ave South
New York, NY
Overheard by: J.B.
1PM Head Out for Lunch
Co-worker #1: Why do they only lock the girls' bathroom and not the guys'?
Co-worker #2: So you don't come in and rape us.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, that's true.
475 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
11AM Call Security
Customer: Are you a chicken?
Employee: No, I'm a sales associate.
767 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Install New Browsers
Employee #1: You don't like Safari?
Employee #2: No, man, all those popups...
Employee #1: Popups are great. Firefox is douche.
42-22 22nd Street
Long Island City, New York
Overheard by: Aaron
5PM Flee the Office
Co-worker #1 walks by [Seth].
Co-worker #1: Hi!
Seth: ...
Co-worker #1: Yo, what's the deal with [Seth]? That guy is a straight up tower shooter.
4 Airport Park Boulevard
Latham, New York
Overheard by: Nathan
1PM Lunch Happens
Co-worker on phone: That's what happens when there are too many chefs and not enough cooks!
465 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
9AM My. Head. Hurts.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Employee: I went out last night and I stayed out too late.
Boss: I am not sure if I should admire your honesty or if I should fire you for not having the courtesy to lie to me.
17 Battery Place
New York, NY
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I don't understand why she had to take her birthday off. I mean, if it's just your birthday and you're not doing anything special, what's the point?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I'd only take the day off if it was my birthday and I had cancer.
147 Columbus Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
10AM Call an Ambulance
Receptionist: What happened to your light?
Worker: The switch broke off.
Receptionist: Well, how can you work in the dark? Are they going to fix it?
Worker: [Chris] went to shut off the fuse so that he can work on it.
Receptionist: Here, I'll fix it.
Worker: Stop it, you'll electrocute yourself!
11 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Monday Does Rhyme with Funday
Co-worker: Hey [Trish], can you come here a sec?
Office Manager: Yeah, where are you?
Co-worker: I'm in the closet.
155 6th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: These new pants are great. I can spill anything on them and it just brushes right off. I wish I knew how they did it.
Co-worker #2: It's nanotechnology.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
3PM Rachel's Birthday Thing
Boss: Those cupcakes are delicious. What a sugar rush!
Intern: I broke out in hives.
Boss: In hives?
Intern: A rash. My skin is very sensitive.
Boss: To sugar?
Intern: Yup.
Boss: That's amazing.
Intern: When I was a kid I got sick and I had to have, like, ten X-rays a day. Literally, five X-rays a day. And I think that messed up my photons.
Boss: Your photons?
Intern: Yeah, that's how X-rays work, you know? They reverse your photons. That's how they get the image.
Boss: Oh.
Intern: That's why my skin is so sensitive, because they messed up the photons. They won't admit it, because they don't want me to sue them. But I know what's up.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
2PM Follow Up with Sasquatch
Exec: Look, I don't care about the Weekly World News. All I want to know is how this affects the Bigfoot cover!
Star Magazine
1 Park Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Urgent Private Meeting
Employee: Why didn't anyone tell your boss he's wearing two shoes of different colors?
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: radiomaven
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: How was your lunch?
Co-worker #2: It was okay. We had an old Greek waitress. I didn't care for her too much.
Co-worker #1: Was it the fact that she was old or Greek?
Co-worker #2: It was a combination. Greeks are a weird people.
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
9AM Darkest Before the Dawn
Boss: We will be taken off the internet. It is slowing down productivity.
5 minutes pass.
Worker #1: ...What will I do all day?
Worker #2: Work.
Worker #1: Ha, ha! Whatever.
3275 Steinway Street
Astoria, New York
11AM Replace Dictionaries
Co-worker #1: I just got tricked into using a pen that shocked me!
Co-worker #2: Oh, no. You okay?
Co-worker #1: Well, shocking throws off your electroids...
Co-worker #2: Electroids? What are those?
Co-worker #1: ...Well, electroid is not in here, but this is an old dictionary.
600 Willowbrook Office Park
Fairport, New York
10AM Chris Back from Vacation
Exec: I was in this fabulous hotel in Banff, in Alberta. And these Japanese businessmen were there too, and you know, the Japanese are so...what's the word? Xenophobic. These Japanese businessmen come walking down the hall, seven abreast, as though everyone should just naturally get out of their way. So I just clipped the guy on the shoulder and spun him around. And he looked at me with this look and I said, "Hey, pal; welcome to America." Actually, it was Canada, but same difference.
2000 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
Overheard by: Emilio Lizardo
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: [Justin], can I borrow your finance guide?
Co-worker #2: Um, sure...Wait, it's not here. I did have one, but it's gone.
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I borrowed it.
Co-worker #2: ...
233 Broadway
New York, NY
10AM Take Care of Jury Duty
Judge: So what does your wife do for a living?
Potential juror: Nothing.
Judge: She does nothing?
Potential juror: Nope.
Judge: Do you have kids?
Potential juror: Yes.
Judge: Yeah, she does "nothing".
265 East 161st Street
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: John
10AM Band Meet & Greet
Musician: Nice of you to join us.
Exec: Well, you were 30 minutes late; I went to take a shit!
Musician: You're entitled to that.
Exec: I washed my hand if you want to shake it.
875 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: N & S
4PM Cigarette Break
Manager: Man, I hate that rep. Only he has the power to permeate every fiber of my being with his earnest, sniveling, annoying little voice. "I'm sorry." "Would you mind?" "Is it a problem?" Grow some balls, freak show!
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
3PM More Resumes
Finance: There must be something in between "tax accountant" and
"undercover narc."
156 W. 56th Street
New York, NY
11AM "State of the Company" Meeting
General Manager: It's up to every one of you to better yourselves. You can either stay or grow!
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, New York
Overheard by: miss eves dropping
9AM What Will It Be Today?
Co-worker #1: I was a temp there for 2 years before I realized it wasn't a temp job.
Co-worker #2: ...
352 7th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Order Books
Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!
1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY
5PM Halloween Party
Boss: ...and I need a costume. I need to go dressed like a king and then I am going to a concert afterwards. I can go as any old king, Old King Cole, Nat King Cole...that would be great! I just have to have enough time to get the make-up on my face.
444 Park Ave South
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: mshorty
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Miller
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: We're like The A-Team.
Co-worker #2: I get to be BA Baracus since I'm the only black one.
1634 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Nurse #1: It's more important that we get rid of the dead things in the clinic.
Nurse #2: The smell's still there?
Nurse #3: Have you tried spraying the air with something?
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
2PM Don't Check Email
Computer jockey: What is fisting? And what do you think it means when a man is emailing you pictures of naked boys?
25 West 4th Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Every time I see you you have Subway.
Co-worker #2: Yup, I get it every day.
Co-worker #1: What are you, Jared?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
9AM Anywhere But Here...
Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM I'm Calling It a Day
New guy: It's so dull here. I'm using all my energy just to stay awake, which is making me sleepy.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
11AM Call Maintenance
Employee: Why is the bathroom locked and has a sign saying "Out of Order"? What happened?
Manager: I think something's wrong with it.
Employee: Is anyone in there, I thought I heard someone?
Manager: You never know--but bathrooms are private so you shouldn't knock.
623 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Tech: I am a guacamole of knowledge into which you may dip the nacho of need.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Sensitivity Retraining
Co-worker #1: How was the event today?
Co-worker #2: Oh, it was good. The audience was mostly colored, but there were a few white people.
Co-worker #1: ...
444 Park Avenue South
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
Office monkey #1: Bro, this job is like motherfucking cocaine!
Office monkey #2: How's that?
Office monkey #1: It seems fun at first but then it fucks your asshole raw.
1211 6th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Seminar--Mandatory!
Speaker: What was the craziest thing you've ever done?
Attendee: Jumped off a bridge into a river in Fiji.
Speaker: Why'd you do that?
Attendee: 'Cause Tony Robbins told me to.
481 8th Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
Data entry: It would suck to live in New Orleans, what with all the hurricanes that go there.
Boss: Where would you live?
Data entry: California for sure.
Boss: What about earthquakes?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Underling: These people were home users. We also have data for work users, but they shouldn't be double-counted in the combined numbers.
Boss: I am definitely going to Taco Bell tonight.
10 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: pixelvisions
4PM Let's Call It a Day
Receptionist on phone: Of course I'm tired. I sit here for nine hours a day with no work to do. That's gonna tire me out!
601 West 26th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Ty!
11AM Cancel Stripper/Look for Stripper
Co-worker #1: Do you know any strippers?
Co-worker #2: Um...
Co-worker #1: No, I mean people who can strip paint.
640 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Take a Walk
Office girl: No one go in the ladies' room. The Bathroom Bomber strikes again.
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, NY
Overheard by: miss earwell
12PM Call Building Maintenance
Coordinator: Is it like really hot in here, or am I having early menopause?
150 5th Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Order Pocket Dictionaries
Employee #1: How do you spell "who"?
Employee #2: How do you think it should be spelled? Sound it out.
Employee #1: H-O-W?
Employee #2: Does that sound right to you? Aren't you like, 30 years old? And you can't spell "who"?
Employee #1: You're the one who told me to sound it out, bitch.
1818 Hillside Avenue
New Hyde Park, New York
Overheard by: Cathie
11AM Client Meeting
Receptionist on intercom: Can I go to the bathroom?
Supervisor: Uh...sure. Why would you ask me that?
Receptionist on intercom: Because you told me I should always ask you first if I was ever unsure of what to do in a situation.
Supervisor: Do you not know how to use the restroom?
Receptionist on intercom: Well, what if you tried to intercom me and I wasn't around? What would--
Supervisor: Just go!
165 Nassau Boulevard
Garden City, New York
9AM Check with HR re: Installing Cages
Co-worker #1: God! I hate it when those two have to work together! It's so painful. It's like watching a monkey and a dolphin try to build a house.
Co-worker #2: I think you underestimate the communication skills of wildlife.
150 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM Catch Up on Receivables
AR person: You gotta love it when they send in a prayer card with their check.
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Call IT
Guy: Why the hell is my computer running so slow?...Ah! here it is: "System Idle Process" is taking up 98% of my CPU...fucking Microsoft...
1701 North Street
Endicott, New York
3PM Court
Bailiff: Okay, I think we need a Jewish interpreter over here! What did you say? Hay broo? Okay, whatever.
141 Livingston Street
Brooklyn, New York
2PM Update Customer Database
Co-worker: If someone is from Puerto Rico, do you say that they're Mexican? Or Hispanic?
150 East 55th Street
New York, NY
3PM Coffee Break
Building service: Coffee's shit, man.
White collar: Yeah. Gotta work, though.
The building service person snorts an imaginary line from the countertop.
Building service: Dat's da shit you need, man. Coke id up.
1114 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
2PM Confirm Arrival Time for Ambassadors
Woman: So I had sex with the older guy.
Man: What? When was that?
Woman: Like a couple weeks ago.
Man: I can't believe you didn't tell me! You didn't even text me...you know, I e-mail you all my sex.
United Nations
New York, NY
12PM Brainstorm Ad Campaign
Salesperson #1: Violence is okay...just as long as no one is enjoying it.
Salesperson #2: What about spanking?
850 Third Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Effina
1PM Lunch
Spot op #1: [Bill] tells good stories, he's an excellent storyteller; me, I'm a stuttering prick when I tell a story.
Spot op #2: I tell stories, but they're not very funny.
Spot op #1: Or interesting.
245 West 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by:
11AM Schedule Events
Musician on speaker: We are super-psyched, yo. It is huge for us.
Producer: You need to do this show, if you do this show you are going to blow up. Blow up like shit!
441 East 12th Street
New York, NY
4PM Meeting
Co-worker: One of the people I was meeting with was Ray Charles...the white, Jewish Ray Charles.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
Senior staff: She used to be, like, a little bit crazy, but now she's really crazy.
11 West 53 Street
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Aw, look at you. You look so ethnic today.
Intern: Huh?
Secretary: You look like you should be seating people at a Chinese resturaunt.
Intern: Hey!
Secretary: No, in a good way...
72 Wall Street
New York, NY
11AM Conference Call
Executive Woman: Yes, I understand...True dat. Er, I mean, we have also found that to be the case.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
10AM File Deposition
Co-worker: Well, if I am being stalked by phone, at least it's by a funny stalker.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Co-worker on phone: Huh? I'm stalking you? How do you know?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
4PM It's Almost Here
Messenger: I hope that you and your tits have a nice weekend.
1430 Broadway
New York, NY
3PM Cigarette Break
General Manager: Wait, his ex-wife is white? What color are their children? Beige?
805 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Eric
4PM Make Reservations
Officemate #1: I'm going to a scary restaurant tonight.
Officemate #2: Why is it scary? What kind of food do they serve?
Officemate #1: Grown-up food...I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little worried.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY
Overheard by: Rick
4PM Find a Ride Home
Co-worker #1: What happened to [Joel]'s car? The hood is all smashed up all the way up to the windshield.
Co-worker #2: Not sure. Ask [John], he's parked on the second level.
Co-worker #1: Second level? There is no second level.
Co-worker #2: Better tell [John] that.
60 Baylis Road
Melville, New York
2PM Order Supplies
Worker #1: We're out of toilet paper.
Worker #2: The supply closet is empty.
Worker #1: I think they're stuffing their vaginal canals with it to smuggle some home.
215 South Country Road
Bellport, New York
9AM It's Beginning
Secretary #1: What's the problem?
Secretary #2: Oh...the gathering darkness.
105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Danielle Balsamo
9AM It Begins
Boss: Remember that time I hit you with chicken? Man, that was awesome. I was just glad it didn't happen your first day, becuase you would have quit or something...I'm still sorry about that, by the way.
Intern: It's okay. I like getting hit with chicken.
16 W. 19th Street
New York, NY
12PM Class
Trainer: Now who can receive a "reasonable accommodation"?
Employee: You should get one for your hair!
645 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
9AM Just One More Day
Guy: At least it's Friday, right?
DMV Girl: I hate you.
300 W. 34th Street
New York, NY
2PM Meeting with Legal
Lawyer: We received the claimant's demand for $300,000 for sexual
harassment. Whether it's a reasonable demand or not...I wish someone would touch me inappropriately so I could sue.
8 Hanover Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pinsy
9AM Update(?) Schedule
Co-worker #1: Yesterday's meeting that was really tomorrow has been re-scheduled for next Thursday.
Co-worker #2: Excellent.
220 42nd Street
New York, NY
11AM Work on Budgets
Co-worker slams down the phone and says: Okay, it's official, you have to be retarded to work in our accounting office.
187 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Janet
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Let's go.
Co-worker #2: Can I go to the bathroom first?
Co-worker #1: So go! You have to do it with yours, not with mine!
1250 Broadway
New York, NY
11AM Sign Contracts
Boss: But it shouldn't be done this way!
Boss's boss: I know. We're getting fucked. But let's just enjoy it.
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Mail Parcels
Co-worker on phone: Hi. I have an irregular shaped package. Do you have anything special I can wrap it in?
609 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
10AM Sensitivity Class
Employee #1: Yeah, I made out with girls when I was younger.
Employee #2: You did?
Employee #3: No way!
Boss: You know, that's a Jewish thing.
Employee #2: What?
Boss: Yes, a lot of Jewish girls I know have fooled around with their girlfriends or are, you know, lesbians.
6 E. 32nd Street
New York, NY
9AM Work Stinks
I was sitting at the reception desk in my office and the main door leading to the hallway and elevators was propped open. I could not see into the hallway, but I could hear a man and a woman talking as they waited for the elevator. Eventually the elevator door opened and one of them got on. As soon as the door closed the other person not only let out a huge sigh of relief but also the biggest fart I have ever heard. I thought I was going to die I laughed so hard.
400 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Berry
4PM Return Truck
U-Haul guy #1: Okay! Pickup on the right...dropoffs on the left.
U-Haul guy #2: Yeah...Pickups on the left, dropoffs on the right.
U-Haul guy #1: What? No! You're fucking it up, dickhead!
3270 Broadway
New York, NY
12PM Porn Sushi Class
Secretary: There's one class called "How to Shoot a Porno."
Employee: What?
Secretary: Yeah, it's girl-on-girl. I called to ask if we could get a group discount, but it's been cancelled due to a scheduling conflict.
Employee: Wow.
Secretary: There's another class, "How to make sushi"...
845 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Order Books
Construction worker: Man, just being in this place makes me want
to learn how to read.
841 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM Back to the Blather
Paralegal #1: So I just heard from my officemate that you think your officemate has a huge piece.
Paralegal #2: I know he has a huge piece.
Paralegal #1: How could you possibly know, did he show you?
Paralegal #2: No.
Paralegal #1: Did his wife offer it up?
Paralegal #2: No...My ex-secretary was friends with a girl he used to date...and it is just known.
Paralegal #1: Mm-hmm.
Paralegal #2: Look. When you see him in the hall, say "Hey" and take a quick look down, you can totally tell.
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
11AM Look Into Service Contract
Peon: But if we didn't buy it from them, will they provide service?
Boss: It doesn't matter. This is an integral part of our everyday operation. If we have to buy a service contract, we will. If we give them money, they will service us.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Doctor's Appointment
Guy #1: I can't believe he did that in public; did you see the way he was looking at her?
Guy #2: Yeah, and it wasn't the first time either.
Guy #1: She can't be any older than 15.
Guy #2: It's sick, but you know what really creeps me out? He's always wearing wrinkly shirts. You'd think the man has never heard of an iron...
Guy #1: You can do anything you want with that MD after your name, I guess.
Guy #2: Word.
275 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Justin Laman
9AM Back to Work
Salesperson: When do you need these parts? ASAP or as soon as possible?
630-2 Broadway Avenue
Holbrook, New York
3PM Coffee Break
Battleaxe: You know, pretty soon we'll start to see refugees from New Orleans at this school...I'd rather that than the Muslims.
695 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Carl Limbacher
Co-worker #1: Man, New Orleans has sure turned into something out of Lord Of The Rings.
Co-worker #2: Don't you mean Lord Of The Flies?
800 Hennepin Ave S
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM It's Like I Never Left
Guy #1: How was your weekend?
Guy #2: Good. I ran some errands. I got my car waxed and sodomized.
33 Maiden Lane
New York, NY
1PM Going Away Party
Manager: Everybody hide and don't make any noise.
Employee: Um, we're in a cube. Exactly where do you want us to go?
Manager: Under the tables and behind the privacy screens. Now everyone shut up.
Employee: Considering John sits right next to this cube and these dividers aren't soundproof, this smoke and mirrors trick really is a failure.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
2PM Check E-mail!!!
Guy: Dude, that's stupid. That attachment went out to like the whole office, you totally can't do that...Yeah, the girl was pretty hot, though.
915 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM Lunch with "Client"
Woman with shoes: But...you're totally drunk.
Woman without shoes: I so want to get fired today.
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Go Pick Up Air Freshener
Producer: Rarely does a day go by where my underwear is less than 10 years old.
11 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: D to the C
3PM Coffee Break
Paralegal #1: When there is a hurricane, do you know why they tell you to fill up your bathtubs?
Paralegal #2: I think it's because the water in the bathtub will hold down the floor.
1633 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: No Double Posts
4PM Talk to HR
Assistant: I submitted this check request a month ago, can you tell me why it hasn't been paid yet?
Accountant: Oh, you wanted it paid?
40 W. 20th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Faith Black
2PM Rearrange Cubicle
Co-worker: This thing might fall on my head.
VP: Well, just hope that doesn't happen, then.
Co-worker: It's better than you falling on my head.
VP: No thanks, you aren't my type.
4925 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
10AM Meeting with Client
Senior Director: Well, I hate to tell you this, but we're going to be a week late with your report.
Client on speaker: You fuckin' serious? The fuck you doing over there? Writing this thing in pen? Sanskrit? The fuck, man?
Senior Director: Actually, I'm chipping it away in stone...hey, don't you worry about how I'm writing this fucking report! You'll get it in a week. Who the fuck are you to give me an attitude
Client: Fuck you! Hurry the fuck up! We're paying your ass, so you should be nice to me!
Senior Director: Kiss my ass!...cock eyed fuck! By the way, how is the wife doing?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
10AM Apply Them Liberally to the Monitor
Worker #1: You know how you have stamps that say "faxed?"
Worker #2: Yeah.
Worker #1: Do you have one that says "E-mailed?"
420 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY
6PM There's No P in Team
Intern #1: Hey, are you going to the bathroom?
Intern #2: No, do you need me to?
633 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
9AM "Motherfiler" Somehow Sounds Even Worse
Co-worker: I need to file like a mofo.
11 W. 53 Street
New York, NY
11AM Star Jones Isn't Pulling Her Weight (No Pun)
Queen: I tell you what you do. You put her computer inside a Krispy Kreme box, maybe then she'll get some work done.
142 Greene Street
New York, NY
3PM Those Red Pills Taste Like Cherry!
Woman: What the hell? People disappear like it's the damn Matrix.
32 Old Slip
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevz
9AM The Caps Look Pretty Jaunty
Paralegal #1: I'm not sure what's going on with the boxes, they kind of keep me in the dark about these things.
Paralegal #2: Yes...they do treat us like mushrooms.
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
5PM Sounds More Like A-hole Than U-Haul
Guy: Why'd you just hang up on 'em?
Girl: I don't wanna talk to her. She'll call back.
Guy: Yeah, but you can't just hang up.
Girl: She wanna make a reservation. It's a waste of time, mine and hers.
Guy: I know, but you can't tell them that!
U-Haul
394 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Matthew Healy
3PM Fortunately Someone Else Overheard It
Woman: I have never heard such idiotness in my life. I've never heard it.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
5PM You've Got All Weekend to Find One, Folks
Editor #1: I don't know why that French reporter couldn't find a transgendered person. It's not like transgendered people are a rare species that you can't find anywhere.
Editor #2: Maybe she didn't know where to look.
Editor #1: What do you mean, "where to look"? Transgendered people are everywhere.
487 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
9AM Usually Crack is the Long-term Goal...
Suit: Let me introduce you to our crackhead intern...[Patrick].
51 West 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: E-nigmatic
9PM Plan B is Circumcision
Attorney: I'm not going to have a homosexual affair just to get some cases!
220 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: brokensiren
5PM Tell Accounting to Expect Another Body
Boss: ...in response to what you said--
Minion: What? I haven't said anything.
Boss: Oh, sorry...I was having a conversation with you in my head.
16 E. 34th Street
New York, NY
9AM Peter Jennings is Already Spinning in His Grave
Network News Producer: Why do people live in trailers if they know a hurricane is likely to blow through?
CBS News
524 West 57th Street
New York, NY
12AM Communication's Overrated, Anyway
Co-worker: Would you like to receive our free catalog in the mail?
Customer: No speak engliss.
Co-worker: Ha, ha. Oh, that sucks.
Customer: Si.
628 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: Hannah Haddix
5AM I Smell a .sig File Coming
Techie: You know you've been working in a computer store for too long when you go to throw out a piece of paper in the trash and are like, "I'm gonna delete this now!"
119 West 23rd Street
New York, NY
4PM I Thought Post-its Were the Sticky Notes
Word Processor: Critical Notes are great. They just pop right up and come in your face!
120 Wall Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Chaser0
12AM Soon, My Friend, Soon...
Female employee: I have to wear shoes with heels because it's seen as "professional."
Male employee: You may as well be wearing a burkha.
11 W. 53rd Street
New York, NY
7AM Just Take the Window and Make Us All Happy
Employee: I need to go to Accounting. What floor is that on?
Receptionist: It's on two.
Employee: Is that up or down?
11 West 53 St
New York, NY
12AM "...I'm thinking neon camouflage."
Client: We'd like the design to stand out. But in a really subtle way.
437 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
7PM Multiasking the Multitasker
VP #1: You're not listening to me
VP #2: Yes I am!
VP #1: No you're not, whenever I try to ask you a question you're on the phone!
VP #2: Why can't I multitask?
VP #1: Because you're lousy at it and I'll have to ask you three times!
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.
Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.
109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dirtpatch
7PM Somehow Stupidity is Never an "Emergency"
Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.
1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY
Office manager: Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But...if this were the real thing, it's every man for himself.
Co-worker: That's horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building...and I just don't know who would do that.
3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
7PM That's Not Her Title; She's Just Very Paranoid
VP: It really freaks me out when you look in here and laugh; it makes me think there's something wrong with me.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
7AM "...here, I filled this pen with blood for you."
Client: I didn't read this contract yet
Lawyer: I didn't read it either. But you can just go ahead and sign it.
200 Park Avenue
New York, New York
12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound
VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.
30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY
1PM "I didn't know your brain spoke German!"
Co-worker: You were listening in on me talking to myself and not understanding the conversation!
261 W. 35th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: simon feil
12AM "I'd look it up, but I'm too lazy."
Co-worker #1: So they made me change my password. The old one was really cool. "Sloth," you know, like the animal.
Co-worker #2: There's no such animal as a sloth. I think sloth is supposed to be like a sin or something.
1697 Broadway
New York, NY
1PM A Drunk Dog Would Have Served the Same Purpose
Boss: You know, I'm really glad we hired you. You're a good sounding board for all this stuff I take in front of clients, because you don't know anything. So you probably know as much as they do. So whatever confuses you will probably confuse them.
Associate: Uh...
Boss: Exactly.
430 W. 14th Street
New York, NY
12AM At Least He's in the Right Office
Mother: Why did you check "female" on that?
Son: Aw, shit!
Department of Health and Mental Hygiene
125 Worth Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Jean-Luc Picard
6AM Back to the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: Large men have dick dos. You want to know what large women have?
Woman #2: I don't know, what?
Woman #1: Gunts.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
6AM Hanging Out by the Water Cooler...
Woman #1: So my phone rings at like 2 in the morning and I was sleeping, so now I'm fricken pissed that my phone is ringing at 2 in the morning. It's one of my husbands friends and he says, "I need a place to stay, I just got kicked out of my house. My brother--" blah, blah, blah, blah. So I told him he could stay for a few days, but only for a few and then he had to leave. So he said he'd be right over, and I waited and waited and waited. Well, the son of a bitch never came...So that ruined my whole fricken night! So my husband is still asleep, and I haven't told him yet that his friend is staying at our house, but he wasn't here yet so...So I go on doing my usual morning shit, and I go out to get the paper when something on the porch catches my eye. It was a bunch of garbage bags, and I'm thinking, "What the hell?". Tom brought the garbage out, why the frick would he put it on the porch? So I walk over to go and put them in the garbage bin, when I see this huge man sitting on my porch. It was Tom's friend, and I asked him how long he'd been out there. He said, "Since 1 AM." And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, thank God my neighbors didn't call the goddamn police." I mean I can just picture this man sleeping on my porch, he's so damn big...So I had this beached whale on my fricken porch all night long. So then I asked him if he wanted some coffee, and Orca comes in the house and tells me he got a ride, and that I needed to drive all the way out to Springville to get his van. His van that had no gas. Meanwhile, I still need to tell my husband...so I go in and I wake him up and I said, "Congratulations hon, we have a 400 pound baby boy." He just looked at me like I was fricken nuts. So after I explained everything to him he came down, and you know...blah blah blah. I make the couch up for Orca and I put down some clean sheets, well the next morning I come downstairs and...he was laying on my couch with no shirt on. Ugh, I'm going to have to burn my couch. You don't seem to understand how big he is. His stomach wasn't even touching the couch. It was hanging off of it. When he sits down his belly button reaches his nose. He could probably use it as a beer holder. Well I hear this whirring noise and he's got on a fricken oxygen mask, and honestly I didn't know he couldn't breathe...I mean, the man seems to smoke and drink just fine. But literally his stomach is so huge. He's got a dickdo.
Woman #2: A dickdo?
Woman #1: When his stomach sticks out further than his dick do.
1695 E. Ave
Buffalo, New York
12AM Surely He Means The Da Vinci
Marketing exec: If we didn't have to spend so much time telling you our requirements, you could be done with the code already!
228 East 86th Street
New York, NY
1PM Spending, Wasting: Same Difference
Marketing guy: I don't want you IT guys wasting a lot of time figuring out what's wrong before you fix it!
228 East 86th Street
New York, NY
12AM You know Sith? From Accounting?
Intercom: Luke! Luke, I am your father.
Woman #1: What is that?
Woman #2: Um, I think it's the PA system.
Intercom: Luke, I am your father!
Woman #1: Yup, this place just keeps getting weirder every day.
735 Brewerton Road
West Point, New York
1PM Looks Like Lunch is Over
Woman: Well, it's time for me to go back to jail now.
3000 Washington Hall
West Point, New York
7PM That Long Weekend is Finally Here!
Lawyer #1: I now ask that this binder be admitted into evidence.
Lawyer #2: We would object to that, Your Honor.
Judge: What is your basis for introducing this into evidence?
Lawyer #1: The "moving things along faster" basis.
Judge: Denied.
500 Pearl Street
New York, NY
2PM Overheard on the Radio
The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).
As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.
1 Centre Street
New York, NY
7AM It's Getting Cold in Here / So Take Off All Your Clothes
Woman #1: It has been freezing in here today!
Woman #2: You know why they keep the AC turned up so high, don't you?
Woman #1: To keep us alert?
Woman #2: No...for the headlights.
Woman #1: Headlights?
1 World Financial Center
New York, NY
12AM Someone is in the Wrong Industry
Co-worker: Dude...don't you hate it when like clients are dicks and stuff?
51 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: J-Mo
1AM The New "What's Your Sign?"
PR Girl on cell: Hello, Fast Signs? How fast are your signs?
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM Tell That to Richard Pryor
PR gal: We need a really memorable tag line, like "Stop, Drop and Roll" from the '80s. Whatever happened to that, anyway?
Intern guy: It still works if you're on fire.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
12AM More Salty, What with All That Sweat
Man: Yeah, they bring us all the way over to this new building and the air conditioner doesn't even work. It's June and ninety degrees, and no air conditioner...but it's not like I'm bitter or anything.
735 Brewerton Road
West Point, New York
5PM It's Official: Working at MTV Makes You an MTVidiot
Security guard: No man, the race is called Jew, the religion is called Jewdity.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
9AM In a Way, It Wasn't Sarcasm
Woman with bandaged finger: Ever since I cut my finger, it's been so difficult doing stuff...typing, getting dressed, eating...
Woman with missing hand: I can't even imagine.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM "...and what kind of plastic is it made of?"
Customer: I want to ask you about the solid wood tubing. Is that
hollow?
CSR: The Solid Wood Tubing?
Customer: Yes.
CSR: No, it is solid.
Customer: Oh, I see.
737 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
5PM It's Less an Assumption than Universal Law
Underling: I'm really tired of having to assume that everyone else is an idiot and that I should automatically know which questions to ask.
30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY
8AM Cheap or Pushy, You're Still Making It Hard for the Rest of Us
Partner: Fuck that!...Fuck you! I am not cheap! I want what's rightfully my client's!
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
4PM That's Why We Have Weekends, Folks
Principal: I don't want the upgrade if it means I have to learn something new. I don't ever want to have to learn anything new.
1123 Broadway
New York, NY
8AM Lycanths Like the Marshmallow Ones
Purchasing manager: We're renegades. We're running with the wolves. We ordered hot chocolate.
1 Railroad Ave
Cooperstown, New York
8AM Do You Have Any Idea How Many Pies Are in One of Her?
Big fat receptionist: Ooh what is that?
Office worker #1: A caramel mochiatto from Starbucks.
Big fat receptionist: I hope you brought me one!
Office worker #2: Do you have any idea how many calories are in one of those?
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Sebastian O'Conner
12PM Great Way to Inspire Confidence
Boss: I don't want you to answer the department phone anymore. Unless I'm on another line, that is.
Drone: OK...sure. Uh, what happened? I mean, did someone complain about me?
Boss: Not yet.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
6PM Turn Off Those PCs and Go Have a Great Weekend
A Russian developer on the trading floor leans back in his chair, stretches his arms back, turns his head as he yawns, checks out the clock, then says, very loudly: 5 o'clock--time for porn!
270 Park Avenue
New York, NY
6PM There's Proactive, and There's This
Boss: So, uh, essentially, this meeting is about a meeting we're going to have. Sometime.
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY
6AM With Magical Skills Like That, They Should be CEO
Office Manager: I have to leave to go to physical therapy. I'm not sure how long it will take but I'll definitely be back before I leave.
1230 York Avenue
New York, NY
12PM If They're Screaming, They're Talking to Themselves
Co-worker #1: I'm waiting for your response.
Co-worker #2: I just said something!
Co-worker #1: Oh, I can't tell when you're talking to me or to yourself.
330 Madison Ave
New York, NY
Overheard by: LRC
12AM The Definition of Unionism
Teacher: Am I going to have a job here next school year?
Principal: Only if you want to work at a school where you're not welcome.
419 East 66th Street
New York, NY
6PM The Scouts Were Always Out & Flaming
Receptionist: Were you here on Tuesday? The smell was awful.
Worker Bee: I kind of liked it, it reminds me of my days as a firefighter.
Receptionist: I didn't know you're a fireman?!
Worker Bee: Well, it was in Boy Scout camp...a long time ago.
810 Seventh Ave
12AM More Like Cinema Verite
Boss: Wow, this [stapler] is heavy.
Co-worker: It's from a movie.
Boss: What movie?
Co-worker: Office Space.
Boss: Is that a comedy?
1 Railroad Avenue
Cooperstown, New York
6PM Pun on "State" or Stupidity? You Decide!
Worker guy #1: I love names that are states. Or cities. Madison, Dakota, Georgia...
Worker guy #2: Jordan...
733 Third Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: the temp
12PM Methinks He Can't Spell "VP" Either
VP: Communication: it's hard to spell, so it must be hard to do.
1 Railroad Avenue
Cooperstown, New York
12AM Who to Call: the HMO or HR?
Office dude: Ow! Son of a..!
Office chick: Oh, are you OK?
Office dude: I just banged my penis on the desk.
395 Hudson Street
New York, NY
12PM They're Usually on the East Side
Receptionist: Hello. May I help you?
Woman: I would like to apply for a job here.
Receptionist: Why are you leaving your current job?
Woman: Ain't no movin' up positions.
220 Dupont Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Jack Boston
12AM It's Yiddish for "You Are a Retard"
Co-worker on phone: I'm "kvetching"...ha, ha...well, I guess you're kvetching...ha ha ha...we're...ha ha...we're kvetching together...wait, what does "kvetching" mean?
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
6PM Have a Great Lazy Weekend, Everyone
Answering machine: You have more than one hundred saved messages.
7 Times Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Yo
6PM They Put Out A Hit on Jesus a While Back
Lawyer: So yeah, these guys were totally connected, like the Jewish Mafia. The Kosher Nostra.
80 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Invid
6AM The Unhappiest of Endings
Co-worker #1: There's a massage therapist in my building.
Co-worker #2: Do you think she's a prostitute?
Co-worker #1: I don't think so. She lives with her parents.
251 W. 57th Street
New York, NY
6AM Oh Come On, He's in New York
Co-worker #1: You need to use more tact.
Co-worker #2: Attack what?
Co-worker #1: No, tact. T-A-C-T.
Co-worker #2: What's that?
Co-worker #1: Exactly.
845 Third Avenue
New York, NY
12PM Not Quite What George Lucas Had in Mind
Office guy: As I told him, it's not the speed of the train that matters when a train hits you, it's the force. They tried to do CPR and their hands just disappeared into his chest...
515 7th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Rosskel
12AM That's Why You Don't Schedule These Things in the Afternoon
Producer: Sorry I couldn't make your screening, but as you heard I was
drunk and asleep even by the time your call came around.
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
6AM He Learned This the Hard Way
Tenant: You know, it has been so nice outside, I wish we had windows that would open.
Building manager: Yeah, me too, but if we did, everyone would be jumping out of them to kill themselves.
270 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: JB
6PM Wow! You Sure Don't Know English!
Woman: Wow! You sure do know how to type. You're typing 100 hours a mile! It's amazing!
2 Rector Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Larry Flores
12AM The Kid Who Should've Loved Ducking
VP of marketing: If you used a duck, you'd somehow have to tie it into a kid who was killed by a drunk driver who loved ducks.
30 E, 33rd Street
New York, NY
6PM Sexual Harassment is Hell
Guy #1: Hey, remember me? I worked with you guys before.
Guy #2: Yeah, yeah I remember.
Guy #1: Yeah, my mom called here and fired me.
272 E. Main Street
Patchogue, New York
Overheard by: Andrew G
6PM He's Good at Receiving Info, Not Sending It
Receptionist guy: Ohhh, it's in the park!
Guest: Huh?
Receptionist guy: I'm addressing myself. I just chose you as the object I'm projecting upon.
454 W. 16th Street
New York, NY
6AM Diversity: Celebrating One Another's Differences
OB/Gyn receptionist: No, I swear, they all walk funny. All of 'em! I think it's because of the foot binding.
170 W. 12th Street
New York, NY
12PM The Sweeeet Taste of Malnutrition
Very tan woman: I'm going to pass out at this charity event. I don't know where my lunch went.
Annoyed woman: What did you eat?
Very tan woman: A Cadbury's creme egg and two sugar cookies.
1 New York Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Preetham Mallikaruna
12AM We Can Guess How He Got That Way
A woman walks into the ladies' room at work and finds a man and a woman standing by the sinks.
Woman #1: Um.
Woman #2: It's okay, he's blind.
149 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian
6AM When Human Resources Fails
City worker #1: So what'd you do?
City worker #2: I told him I'd bust that muthafucka up straight up.
City worker #1: No doubt.
393 Lewis Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Mohammed
12AM We've Found Our Foreman
Lawyer: Have you been involved in any bike accidents?
Potential juror: I was hit by a car while riding my bike in the Hamptons. I was seriously injured, but I didn't die.
60 Centre Street
New York, NY
4PM No Time to Listen; I've Got Talking to Do
Guy: My computer keeps freezing.
Girl: It's not freezing, it's hot in here.
135 E. 57th Street
New York, NY
12AM ...where they'd don't have temperature.
Office dweller: This office is sweltering. The thermometer says it's 82 degrees in here.
Building heating/AC "expert": I don't trust thermometers. Them things are made in third world countries.
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
8AM Ask Me Again After 6 More Beers
Editor: How funny do you think alcoholism is?
12 W. 27th Street
New York, NY