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Metro Northeast All Categories > Places > United States > Metro Northeast
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2PM So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?
Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe... What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh... Happy birthday.
377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: tonyg
4PM You'd Think We'd Have Made Peace with Ourselves by Now
Cube rat #1: Damn, you had braces for seven years and your teeth are still that fucked up?
Cube rat #2: Yeah? You've been on a diet for two years and your ass is still that fat?
Trenton, New Jersey
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
9AM Go Go Gadget Fake-Smile!
Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!
620 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
2PM You Need to Do Both Sessions. Twice.
Manager #1: So, what do we do if any of our employees don't show up for the mandatory Ethics Training?
VP: You direct them to the supplemental Ethics Training, online.
Manager #2: Couldn't we just write their names in on the sign-in sheet and say that they were at the ethics thing?
Melville, New York
12PM Why I Started Eating Lunch in My Car
Employee #1: What the fuck. This sandwich is impossible.
Employee #2: It looks like a big, gaping vagina.
Employee #1: It's like eating out a big vagina. Look! Chunks are falling off!
Employee #2: Your sandwich has an STD! Like hooker poon.
Employee #3, holding identical sandwich missing a single bite: Well, looks like I'm done. If anyone wants my dirty vagina sandwich you're welcome to it. Thanks for the lunch convo.
Worcester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kathryn
11AM Eva Braun Waxes Rhapsodic
Co-worker: If I killed someone, he would totally lie to the police for me. Either he would be my alibi or he would lie and say he did it so I could be free.
225 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Am I Next
1PM So Anyway, Whatever Problem You're Having Is Your Fault. Questions?
Techie, answering phone: Hello, this is Brenda*...No, I wasn't just speaking to someone on the phone... I'm positive; I work in IT so I rarely talk to anyone.
100 Sylvan Road
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: June Bug
12PM He's Got a Lot of Pull, Though
Co-worker: Oh, you know how he is... Yeah, that's a great word to describe him: wanker.
Madison, Connecticut
5PM Sure. And "Prosaic" Means a Mosaic Made of Prose.
Bookstore clerk: Prose? I thought that was a kind of poetry.
Bookstore, Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM What Happens When You Use Google China
Office manager: Civil War Battlefield Protection, how can I help you?
Woman on phone: Yes, I'm trying to find information on the Civil War and I just can't.
Office manager: Well, have you tried the internet?
Woman: Yes, I typed "Civil War" into Google and NOTHING comes up on the Civil War.
Office manager: ...Really?
Woman: Yes... so can you tell me who was in the Civil War?
Office manager: That would be the northern states and the southern states.
Woman: Not the British?
Office manager: Um, that was the Revolutionary War.
13th Street & H Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Astonished
1PM But the Pashmina Goats Are Fine with You Taking That Stuff, Because No Woman Wants a Beard
Employee #1: Yeah, so PETA has helped me understand the cruelty animals are subjected to by humans.
Employee #2: I've seen some of the videos. Heinous.
Employee #1: Like that shirt you're wearing, it's made of cotton, right? You shouldn't be wearing it.
Employee #2: Huh? Why not?
Employee #1: It really hurts the sheep when they are shorn.
Bed Bath & Beyond
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Debauched Angel
11AM Why Don't You Give It to Me Now So I Can Call You Later and Get It from You
Suit #1: Why didn't you call me?
Suit #2: I didn't have your number.
Suit #1: If you called me I could have given it to you.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
12PM If I'm Ever Too Old to Chuckle at the Phrase 'Do It,' Pull the Plug
Man: It's OK. We can still do it in my office.
Woman: That sounds fantastic.
Route 9
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts
Overheard by: twelve step
2PM Worried It Might Get Chicago Wet
Coworker #1: Did it rain while you were in Chicago?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: Oh, that's good. I saw on the Weather Channel that it was raining in Virginia, and I got worried.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
4PM Tough Sell
Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Transcribing
Supervisor: Just do whatever's easier for you.
Word processor: It's easiest to do it this way, 'cause then I don't have to think.
Supervisor: Well, you want to think a little bit...
Word processor: Nah, not really.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
2PM Straight to Voicemail
Attorney: Hey Jordan*, what have you done for me lately?
Jordan: Nothing, actually.
Attorney: Anything you do for the boss, you do for me!
Jordan: Well in that case, I've been avoiding your phone calls lately.
4 Times Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: Just looking...
11AM Stock Exchange
Trader #1, wearing yarmulke: ...and your business is in Brooklyn?
Trader #2: No, Brooklyn is where the yams hang out. You know, your people.
200 Vesey Street
New York, New York
4PM Folding Clothes
Employee #1: She turned around and said to the supervisor, "She just yelled at me." I was like, "I didn't yell at you!" I said it in front of the supervisor, but I didn't care. I didn't yell at her...That's how people get locked up! People saying you did things you didn't do. That's how you go to jail.
Employee #2: Um, yeah.
130 East 59th Street
New York, New York
11AM Product Test
Supervisor: What are you doing?
College kid #1: Spraying each other.
Supervisor: Do you know what is in those bottles?
College kid #2: No.
Supervisor: Why would you spray each other with something you don't know?
College kid #2: It's fun.
Supervisor: It's acetone!
College kid #1: Is that like water or something?
Supervisor: God, I'm going back to my office.
465 Paul Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Nick I
2PM Employee Discount
Cashier #1: It's my ten month anniversary today!
Cashier #2: That's a long time.
Cashier #1: I know, half of a year!
640 5th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Second Opinion
Doctor #1: Where did you say the patient has been recently?
Doctor #2: Ummmmm, Ghana? Something like that?
Doctor #1: So, Africa.
Doctor #2: No, South America.
525 E 68th Street
New York, New York
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech support: Can you tell if it's an Ethernet cable or a phone cable?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Well, if you hold it up to the cable attached to your phone and you look at the plug, if it looks the same, you've got a phone cable. If it's bigger, it's probably Ethernet.
Customer: Oh cool. Let me look.
Tech support: WAIT! [dial tone]
711 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Lunch
Female manager: Where did you eat?
Male manager: My guilty secret...McDonald's!
Female manager: Oh. Don't take this the wrong way, but...I actually don't know anybody who's eaten at a McDonald's.
1 Liberty Plaza
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Guy with food in elevator: There's the freaking writing on the wall!
Girl with food: Yeah, I know! Putting it on broccoli? Cheese?! Pretty soon she'll just be eating ketchup by itself!
1285 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
10AM Client Meeting
Visiting salesgirl: Hi, I'm here to see Carrie Bradshaw.
Receptionist: Do you mean Carrie Schwartz?
Visiting salesgirl: No, I'm pretty sure her name was Carrie Bradshaw.
Receptionist: We don't have a Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie Bradshaw is from Sex and the City.
245 5th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Break Room
Engineer #1: This milk's gone bad.
Engineer #2: So you just put three quarters of a gallon of bad milk back in the fridge?
Engineer #1: I told Hal* this morning and he said he'd take care of it, but obviously never did, so now whoever used it is gonna end up sick in bed tomorrow.
Architect: That's ok, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.
71 West 23rd Street
New York, New York
4PM Afternoon Delivery
Coworker: So, has the National Guard taught you head shots yet?
UPS guy: Nah, but we're gonna start with civilians.
17 Battery Place
New York, New York
Overheard by: Kona Gallagher
9AM Back to Work
Car dealership counter guy: Yes, may I help you, sir?
Customer: Uh, yeah, I think I blew a seal.
Car dealership counter guy: Pal, that sounds like a personal problem to me.
1499 Route 46
Ledgewood, New Jersey
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Excuse me sir, do you think this paint color will look good in my living room?
CSA: I don't know! I've never been in your living room.
150 Route 17 North
East Rutherford, New Jersey
12PM Lunch
Temp: Apparently he eats his cat's leftovers.
140 West 45th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: another temp
4PM Second Shift
Customer: What's the difference between fiction and nonfiction? I always forget.
Dumbfounded coworker: Ummmm, nonfiction is true and fiction isn't.
Next customer. . .
Coworker: Hi, do you need help?
Customer: Yeah, are we on the east coast or the west coast?
Dumfounded coworker: east coast [rolls eyes].
Customer: Then why do you sell books on west coast birds?
Angry manager: Because people like to go on vaction to bird watch.
Customer: That's stupid. I don't even know why my wife wants to look at these stupid birds anyway.
Angry manager to dumbfounded coworker: It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?
Dumbfounded coworker: Yeah, all the retards are out tonight.
425 Jerico Turnpike
Syosset, New York
3PM Snack Run
Male supervisor: Give Janet* one of those chocolate pretzel things. Because she's going on vacation and doesn't have to fit into a bathing suit this weekend.
Janet*, aside: I swear, random people have been coming up to me all day asking about my supposed nude beach trip to Jamaica.
Male supervisor: Let it all hang out, baby.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM OSHA Regulations
Male bather: Oww! That dog just scratched my nipple!
Female groomer: Now you know why we wear boulder-holders.
92-12 Liberty Avenue
Ozone Park, New York
12PM Lunch
Office drone #1: So my new next door neighbor's name is Amanda and she has a 2-year-old named Mercedes.
Office drone #2: Good luck keeping that one off the pole.
15 Washington Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
10AM Cappucino Run
Executive #1: We will never promote her. She is fucked up. Did you see her at the company picnic with her son?
Executive #2: No. What happened?
Executive #1: She was breastfeeding him!
Executive #2: So what?
Executive #1: He's like 5 years old!
Pause
Executive #2: When is the next picnic?
1 Becton Drive
Franklin Lakes, New Jersey
1PM Sorting Mail
CSR: I just got one of those uh, uh, NAFTA things. What does that stand for? National Automobile--
Supervisor: Um, I think it's North American Free Trade Agreement. Or Association. One of those two.
CSR: Are you sure it's not National Automobile something?
Supervisor: I think you're thinking of NASCAR?
CSR: Ahh, yes.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, NewJersy
Overheard by: office peon
11AM Tech Training
Manager: Can you spell my email address?
IT guy: It's your name!
Manager: I know, but could you spell it for me?
1979 Marcus Avenue
Lake Success, New York
Overheard by: Why am I the temp again?!?
1PM Student-Teacher Conference
Teacher: That's an interesting name. It is a type of flower right?
Student: Yeah, but I am a hard flower. I am so tough, I am almost a weed.
1001 SW Avenue M
Belle Glade, Florida
Overheard by: substitute
12PM Lunch
Female coworker: I went out with friends last night.
Male coworker #1: That lie again?
Male coworker #2 butting in: I thought I was the only one who lied about having friends. We have so much in common!
Male coworker #1: So, what about your husband? He didn't go out with you?
Female coworker: That wasn't my husband. That was a male escort I hired to pretend to be my husband.
Male coworker #2 butting in: See? I don't have a husband either! That was just a male escort I hired! We have so much in common.
Pause
Male coworker #1: Ok. You crossed a line with that one.
214 W 39th Street
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Boss: Where is [Blake] today?
Girl in cube: I don't know. He didn't text me. I think he's too embarrassed.
Boss: Why? Did you guys end up making out in front of everyone again at happy hour?
Girl in cube: No! Give me a little credit.
[Long pause]
Girl in cube: It was in a cab.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Personal Call
Man on cell: You're just a social maggot. [Sweetly] Just a social magnet, that's what I meant to say.
2 Clock Tower Place
Maynard, Massachusetts
12PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Wanna go eat lunch with us? We're having Ethiopian.
Co-worker #2: Ew! You're going to be eating beetles and shit.
Co-worker #3: Do we have to bring our own leaf to eat off of?
214 West 39th Street
New York, New York
