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Oregon All Categories > Places > United States > California and Northwest > Oregon
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10AM And Then We'll Give Thanks
Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!
320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Julie
1PM She's Moving Very Fast
Office guy #1: Look! There goes the cocaine lady! You should try to catch her!
Office guy #2: Damn, she's gone! Maybe next time.
Clackamas, Oregon
Overheard by: Stephanie
4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control
Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.
2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon
11AM I Set My Expectations Low, and I Still Got Burned
Coworker, after snow predicted night before: So, I want to know what happened to the one to three inches I was promised.
Portland, Oregon
4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!
Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.
Portland, Oregon
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?
Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!
Portland, Oregon
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
9AM Reader Poll: The Gum, the Women, or the Teeth?
Tech supporter #1: There's nothing you can't do in London.
Tech supporter #2: Yeah, it's like Tijuana without the Chiclets.
Wilsonville, Oregon
Overheard by: Neal
1PM ... For the Smothering
Coworker: I wish I could get to the paper first. She always finds the obituaries before I get a chance and cuts them out... Except for the time my grandma died and my mom placed a huge obit out of guilt.
Yamhill Street
Portland, Oregon
12PM Except for Michael Jackson
Lady peon with eye patch: Yeah... Once you go black, you never go back.
45th Avenue and Vermont Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: WOW
11AM And Made a Clean Getaway
College worker chick on cell: ... And nachos, so they poured hot sauce on me. But I was wearing happy pants, so I threw them away.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: huh?
12PM When Richard Simmons Forgets to Take His Lithium
Male to female worker: I always support you. I empower you... You piece of shit.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: Office Manager
3PM Since My Husband Was Turned to Stone
Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.
1120 NW Couch Street
Portland, Oregon
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
1PM Followed by a Scourging with Birch Twigs
Female coworker: I do a dry rub followed up with a vinegar wash.
Portland, Oregon
9AM Like I Was Away on Maternity Leave, or That Our Company Doesn't Exist?
Boss on phone with lawyer: Last year? What? I don't remember last year. Hell, I hardly remember yesterday, let alone last year... Can't we just make something up?
Pearl District
Portland, Oregon
11AM But That's Not Important Right Now
Male peon: Oh, I love this song!
Lady peon: Really, what is it?
Male peon: Uh... Music...
178 Middle Street
Portland, Oregon
3PM But I'm in My Foxhole!
Engineer to another: Well, if you're out of ammunition, then you must be an atheist.
2400 Congress Street
Portland, Oregon
1PM It Comes and Goes
Patient: I'm worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it?
Portland, Oregon
12PM ... Delicious, but Deadly
Cube dweller: Zebrafish! Liquid nitrogen!
Business affairs office
Oregon
Overheard by: research sounds like fun
12PM For Some Reason, I Picture Debra Winger in This Role
Coworker: I'm lucky I wasn't raised by my mother. I'd have turned out a total slut. She'd wear high heels to her job at the sawmill.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Innocent Bystander
12PM If You're Typing That, Don't Send It Right Away
Coworker in response to email she just got: Oh my god, Sandy*, you stupid whore.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: other side of the cube
11AM Let Me Rephrase That Question
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm... I'm pretty sure I didn't get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
9AM Unfortunately, I Predict Six More Weeks of This Conversation
Administrative assistant: You know how they choose the pope with those smoke signals?
Staff member: Yeah...
Administrative assistant: It's kind of like Groundhog's Day, isn't it?
Staff member: Wait, what? The movie or the holiday?
Administrative assistant: Duh, the holiday! What would the movie have to do with the pope?
Staff member: Well, what does the holiday have to do with the pope?
Administrative assistant: What?
Willamette Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Jenny
10AM It's My Lunch. Geez, Can We Just Get Back to Work?
Female coworker: We're really glad you decided to come out!
Male coworker: Me, too!
Female coworker: So, is that your coming out stuff?
West 11th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Disappointed I'm just a temp
3PM He Does Freddies
Bond salesperson to trader: Yeah, Stew's* pretty conservative. He doesn't do Fannies.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
4PM I Shave First, of Course
Boss: I hate rubbing my hands on that while I'm banging away, so I cover all of the crevices with tape.
Portland, Oregon
11AM Soon I'll Be Able to Afford New Friends
Dude: All my meth addict friends are like, 'That's so cool. You have a job.'
Portland, Oregon
9AM Last Month This Big Girl Sat on My Head
Stylist: How do you want your hair?
Customer: Short on the sides and blended with no weight line. I don't want to look like a circumcised penis.
Great Clips
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Yeah - one is enough
12PM They Never Did, You Sick Poser
Tech: I wonder if Bert and Ernie still share a bed.
555 International Way
Springfield, Oregon
10AM Tell It to Stop with the Monologues
Secretary: Does your vagina ever get so dry that it twitches?
Passing associate: Uh...
Portland, Oregon
5PM Suzy Goes Predator-Trolling to Amuse Herself
Eight-year-old girl running up to her mother in line: I'm 13, and you don't know me!
JC Penney
Eugene, Oregon
11AM No Shirt, the White Stretch Pants...
Hipster: You know, you can really tell who loved the Smurfs as a kid.
610 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Maggie Mae
3PM Warning! Warning! Truth Outbreak in Sector Seven!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Interviewee: Within the firm, are there opportunities for advancement?
Interviewer: Basically, it's an entry-level job -- when you begin it's going to be like,'Shut up and color, we're going to micro-manage you.'
15th Street and Yamhill Avenue
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: PH factor
2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?
Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: brian
1PM And the Importance of Personal Protective Equipment
Boss: I'm not the one who brought up fucking a goat.
Minion: I was explaining the hazards of his job.
Bend, Oregon
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
1PM Not That We Were Expecting Bloody Geniuses
Client: I've talked to some of these people applying online. They're a little scary -- it's not like they're Menses candidates.
Portland, Oregon
1PM Not Just Any Juices, Either -- Don't Do What I Did
Girl: Ummm... You need boy juices in order to make a baby.
610 Broadway
Portland, Oregon
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
12PM From the Runaway Best Seller 'Affirmations for Stupid People'
Manager, to himself: I am a ball of fire. I am a BALL OF FIRE.
Far reaches of Eugene, Oregon
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
10AM Mr. Hefner Has Successfully Used the Adoption Ploy for Over 50 Years
Man: I talked to John. He said he and Michelle got divorced less than a year after they were married. I really didn't like her anyway. She was really bullheaded.
Woman: Oh. That's too bad.
Man: Yeah, they just got divorced, but he's doing well. He just adopted a seventeen-year-old girl. It's helping to distract him.
Woman: Huh?
University of Oregon
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Reed
9AM You Also Need to Have Finished Third-Grade Math
Worker: Yup, it takes a lot more than a million dollars to be a millionaire these days.
Hermiston, Oregon
10AM We're Still Trying to Get the Pope to Stop Using the Abacus
Techie: I'm sorry about the delay. We're using a new system, and I liked the old system. I'm a creature of habit and resist change.
Customer: Tell me about it; I'm with the Archdiocese.
555 International Way
Springfield, Oregon
2PM Why Don't You Give It a Try and We'll See?
Manager, to underling: Haven't apes evolved to the point where they could do your job?
3888 Stewart Road
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Mike
3PM First Break the Employee's Legs, Then Criticize the Way He Walks
GM: How were you days off?
Supervisor: Pretty good. Did some hiking.
GM: How was the conference?
Supervisor: What conference?
GM: I e-mailed you Wednesday about the loss prevention meeting on Thursday morning. I know it was short notice.
Supervisor: Thursday was my day off. Wednesday was my day off. I wasn't here to check my e-mails.
GM: So you didn't go to the mandatory meeting?
Supervisor: Um.
GM: You have to check your e-mail every day. No excuses.
Supervisor: I wasn't here to check my e-mail.
GM: No excuses.
687 12th Street
Gresham, Oregon
Overheard by: I love 50 e-mails a day
5PM That's a Wrap
Voice on elevator emergency intercom: Hello? Hello?
Confused woman who just got on: Um.....yes?
Voice: Yes, I'm Karen* from American Express. Can I please speak with Shin Chen*?
Woman: Um...No... You just reached an elevator.
Voice: Oh! Well, thank you for using American Express. If you have any questions, please call 1-800-555-1234*. Thanks for using American Express and have a great day!
541 Willamette Street
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: the other passenger
10AM Jury Selection
Defense attorney: Good morning prospective ladies and gentlemen -- I mean, jurors.
125 East 8th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: the unchosen
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: I think he had some kind of superdog
Coworker #2: What is a Superdog?
Coworker #1: I think they are dogs that do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to retarded kids or something.
Coworker #2: Oh... okay, yeah, I know the ones.
5885 NW Cornelius Pass Road
Hillsboro, Oregon
Overheard by: Curious Listener
1PM Sales Follow-up
Co-worker is on the phone with a customer.
Co-worker: No, I work in an office. And they make me wear pants.
400 Country Club Road
Eugene, Oregon
9AM Back to Work
Nurse aide #1: I was up all day watching the old Batman marathon today.
Nurse aide #2: The one with Adam West, right?
Nurse aide #1: Yep, the original.
Bed alarm sounds in the back hall.
Nurse aide #2: Holy Alzheimer's, Batman!
1111 Crater Lake
Medford, Oregon
5PM That's a Wrap
Product Manager: You know, I don't like playing dumb.
IT: Yeah, well, I don't either, but sometimes I just have to.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
12PM Proof Copy
Liaison: I need you to look at this with your anal eye.
12447 SW 69th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Man, I could use a nap.
Co-worker #2: I'm right there with you...Well, not right there with you.
111 SW Fifth Avenue
Portland, Oregon
10AM Pick Up Package
Worker #1: I'm expecting my new inbox today.
Worker #2: You're pregnant again?
Worker #1: ...
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
4PM Get Mass Mailer Ready
Colleague: You can't pay to stuff that. I mean, that's a handjob at best.
1150 City View Street
Eugene, Oregon
4PM Order New PCs
IT #1: I asked him if he was in the United States.
IT #2: I tell people if you want to buy a computer, call their support line. If you can't stand the accent, don't buy that computer.
1100 SW 6th Avenue
Portland, Oregon
10AM Send Out Packages
Call center worker: What does it mean, "do not ship domination"?
Call center supervisor: What?
Call center worker: "D-o-m-i-n-i-o-n."
26600 SW Parkway Avenue
Wilsonville, Oregon
12PM Restock Supplies
Employee: I have a problem and don't know what to do.
Manager: What is the problem?
Employee: The toliet paper is missing, and I don't know what to do.
1850 14th Avenue SE
Albany, Oregon
2PM Get Mail
Secretary: The mailman was supposed to come back today, but I haven't seen him yet.
Agent: Which mailman was it? The old guy, or the nerdy guy with the glasses?
Secretary: No, it was an Asian guy.
Agent: Oh. He's probably having lunch again.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Orgeon
10AM Fix Time Machine
Boss: Does anyone need this 2005 calendar?
Grunt: No thanks; my time machine is broken.
414 South Main Street
Independence, Oregon
10AM Tech Support
Tech on phone: Okay, go ahead and type in your password...Yep, just type it in...In the password field...Just type it...With your keyboard...Should be right in front of you... Has letters on it...Great!
3601 SW Murray Boulevard
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: onebadwebmonkey
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
4PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)
Agent #1: Why is that dog wearing a "W" on its head?
Agent #2: That's not a "W"; it's obviously an "M." It's just upside down.
Bystander: Um...those are reindeer antlers.
7145 SE 21st Avenue
Portland, Oregon
5PM I'm Sick of Work
Worker: Someone left puke in the toilet. I swear, bulimia should be illegal.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
9AM She's So Lucky
Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?
3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon
11AM Order Staples from OfficeMax
Help desk #1: The staplers are hopelessly broken this time.
Help desk #2: We spend all our time fixing the staplers. Perhaps hwe should just call ourselves Stapler User Services instead of Computer User Services.
3203 SE Woodstock Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
9AM I Swear They Live Here
CSR: Can you give me your daughter's measurements?
714 NE Hancock Street
Portland, Oregon
4PM On That Note, It's the Weekend
Co-worker #1: What is a good exercise for the lower abs?
Co-worker #2: Well, I can think of one exercise that's really good for the abs...
Co-worker #3: yeah, but only if he can last longer than 5 minutes.
The copy repairman pops out from under the copier.
Repairman: Well ladies, it's been an entertaining afternoon.
8565 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway
Portland, Oregon
5PM Requisition Tools
Co-worker: Hey, I need a good long screw. Do you have one I could use?
1361 Pearl Street
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: brain girl
12PM Ice Cream Eating Geeks Has Its Moments
Boss: You know, there is nothing funnier than geeks eating ice cream.
3175 NW Aloclek Drive
Hillsboro, Oregon
7AM This Just Got Way Too Zen
Intercom: Hey, how do you spell Sarah with an "h"?
Assistant: Yes.
3350 Tillamook Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Carrie Cole
7AM Cuba is Actually Spelled With a Superscript 3
Woman on phone: 4, 5, 3, P as in Peter, T as in Tom, Q as in...Cuba.
3350 Tillamook Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Carrie Cole
7AM Which Isreally Palestine, Right?
Call center worker #1: How do you spell "real"?
Call center worker #2: Umm...I think it's r-a-e-l.
Call center worker #1: Thanks...Are you sure? That doesn't look quite right.
Call center worker #2: Yeah. Like Is. Is-rael. Isreal. Yeah!
26600 SW Parkway
Wilsonville, Oregon
1PM Co-worker or Quote Machine?
Admin: I've always wondered what the metric system was.
Admin: I'm going to go home before I have a massive exploding in my head or something of that nature.
Admin: I'm just going to cut out my bladder. 'cause I'm getting really tired of having to go to the bathroom.
Admin: The mail leaves our office from our office at five o'clock and from there it goes to the post office. Then it goes to the post office in california before it gets to your guyses mailbox. So I wanna say that possibly it should probably get there today, I wanna hope so.
121 SW Salmon Street
Portland, Oregon
4PM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy, Redux
In a meeting: Providers only terminate their contracts for one of two reasons: Pay or Other.
At a bar with a friend: You know, I was diagnosed as a genius as a child and I think that is why I don't get along with her; I don't get along with other geniuses. That is why I think you and I are such good friends.
In response to an email: Ya know, I have tracking on this, and as usual, I am completely embarrassed.
[Bonus: found in coworker's personal ad: Things that turn me on: Thunderstorms]
522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Breanna Freeman
8AM I Had An...uh...Lobotomy
These are all from the same coworker.
Overheard on phone: I am going to need you to help me because this is not information that is readily available in my...uh...brain.
In a meeting while it was snowing outside: This reminds me of growing up in New York...I mean...Vermont.
Another meeting: The last thing we want to do is provide an immediate response to an immediate question.
522 SW 5th
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Breanna Freeman
