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11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?
Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.
10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM That's Your Answer to Everything
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
5PM Lime Green Stretch Pants
Male employee to female employee: It's like you're stuck in a really bad version of The Devil Wears Prada, except this time the devil wears Lane Bryant stretch pants...
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: At Least I Wear H&M...
10AM Next Time, I Think I'll Outsource
Woman in stall: I can do it... I know I can do it! ... I did it! [Flush.]
Third bathroom stall over
San Dimas, California
Overheard by: badfishey
5PM As Jessica Simpson Advises in Her Autobiography
Company lawyer to copywriter: It may be wrong or stupid, but if so, we want to be consistently stupid.
Chatsworth, California
3PM Or We Could Just Get Drunk on Punch and Have Sub-Par Sex, Like Usual?
Cube rat #1: Hey, didn't they have one of those money-tubes here at the Thanksgiving party last year?
Cube rat #2: Yeah, where you jump in and catch the money? I got 20 bucks!
Cube rat #1: Hmmm. They should do something festive for the holiday... like canned hams in the tube!
2131 3rd Avenue
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Amused
2PM A Troop of Boy Scouts Disappeared in There in 1985
Female employee #1: I can't wear thong underwear, because they go up into my pussy crack.
Female employee #2: What?! How big are you down there?
Female employee #1: Oh, it's fucking huge.
Fontana, California
5PM Who Leaves a Saber Lying around, Anyway?
Cube jockey #1: Attack me now like how you are talking about.
Cube jockey #2: If I attack you horizontally, it will cut open your middle.
Cube jockey #1: I know. That's okay. Do it anyway.
Santa Clara, California
4PM So It Looks Good in Tight Buns?
VP to general counsel: A nine-inch wiener is a nine-inch wiener. You've got to make it look pretty.
850 Bryant Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: IC Balaam
4PM Well Ms. Lohan Can Afford It
Suit, about lady smoking crack on stoop: Isn't she a little dressed up for a crackwhore?
3008 Lincoln Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Not smoking any
12PM I Haven't Received Any Complaint Messages
Coworker #1, to editor: Do you know where the call-in phone number on the back of XYZ Publication* goes to?
Coworker #2: I have no idea.
Coworker #1: Well, [boss] called the other day and asked where it went to. I called it just now, and it answers with the voice of Dana*, but she hasn't worked here in seven months!
Coworker #2, looking at Dana's empty desk area: I guess that it just goes to her phone, and whoever gets that extension will get all of the messages.
Coworker #1: So it doesn't matter to you that readers might be calling in and leaving messages that are not being returned?
Coworker #2: No.
45 Leveroni Court
Novato, California
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
2PM At the Bad Pick-Up Line Quarterfinals
Client: There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food.
Photo studio
Culver City, California
9AM Until I Woke Up Topless on the Jungle Gym with the Kids Staring at Me
Assistant, about the company holiday party: Shit, I didn't even know where I was! I had the best time!
Beverly Boulevard and Fairfax Avenue
West Hollywood, California
5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?
Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."
Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: I have a face too
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM And That's All There Is to Say about Mary Magdalene
Office peon: I was dating this girl for a while, and then she found Jesus and we stopped doing things, and that was that.
California
12PM FEMA, Is That You?
Engineer: What's the time frame on this? I don't have time for it right now.
Project manager: ASAP, but it can wait for now.
Von Karman Avenue
Irvine, California
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
1PM Under Citizenship, Just Put 'Good'
Auditioning guy: So, what should I put down for 'Citizenship'?
Casting intern #1: Were you born in the United States?
Auditioning guy: Yes.
Casting intern #1: Then put down that you're a U.S. citizen.
Auditioning guy: Does it matter that I moved to Oregon for eight months?
Casting intern #1: Did you really just--
Casting intern #2, cutting him off: --No, it doesn't matter.
MTV dating show auditions
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Liz
2PM Dude, What If He's a Hologram?
Grunt #1: Seriously, dude, what the hell is up with Ahmed's* hair?
Grunt #2: I know what you mean. It's like someone turned up the gamma setting on his head -- like, all the way.
555 West Imperial Highway
Brea, California
Overheard by: Yannibmbr
2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate
Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.
1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Kirsten
1PM Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Customer: And I want Reese's with that. Not a lot, but more than the normal amount, but not too much.
Ice cream artist: Okay...?
Ice cream place, Champlain Drive and Shepherd Avenue
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Just Another Ice Cream Maker
12PM Maybe Across the Street at Oxy's? Moron.
Tourist to vendor: Do you know where I can buy kosher pork chops?
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropping Jew
3PM Put a Nice Potted Plant on It?
Fashion designer girl #1: I really want a bookshelf, but I don't have any books.
Fashion designer girl #2: Maybe you could get a short one and paint it white.
8360 Melrose Avenue
West Hollywood, California
3PM The Heartbreak of Ugly Panty Line Can Strike without Warning
Lady peon to another: I'm so sorry! It's just a weird thing, and I usually don't hear that happening to a guy!
2211 North 1st Street
San Jose, California
11AM The Miscarriage Surfaced Three Days Later, Though
Office grunt: So, I had this one night stand with this girl, and the next day I got a phone message that said, 'I had a miscarriage in your toilet.' Then she came back and cleaned my entire apartment and paid my phone bill, and I never heard from her again.
6th and Main Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Take Part in This Quick Survey and We Can End This Charade
University phone solicitor: So, did you hear that the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences has a new dean?!
Guy being solicited: I don't really care.
University phone solicitor: Me neither.
Jefferson and McClintock Avenue
Los Angeles, California
3PM And a Half!
Male coworker, as female places personal ad: Did you just say you were five years old?!
21135 Erwin Street
Woodland Hills, California
12PM The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock
Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock -- John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence -- that's where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.
City Hall
San Francisco, California
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Translation: I Would Kill to See You in Shorts
Worker bee: Are you new here?
Temp: Oh, I'm just temping.
Worker bee: Do you like it?
Temp: Yeah, I'm really enjoying it here.
Worker bee: It's so casual.
Temp: Yeah, I'm glad I can just wear jeans.
Worker bee: You could wear shorts if you wanted. I mean, I don't know if you wear shorts, but people here do, so you totally could. If you wanted.
6300 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Nick Lachey Was in the Bee Gees
40-ish supervisor: You're listening to the Bee Gees? Wasn't Leif Garrett in the Bee Gees?
20-ish employee #1: All I know is that someone in the group committed suicide.
20-ish employee #2: No, Leif Garrett was in the Beatles.
1241 Dyer Road
Santa Ana, California
2PM Usually That's a Line I Reserve for the Massage Parlor
Ethics professor: So, if Mr. Wiener, some new lawyer, imputed his conflict to the firm, you're going to have a lot of unhappy lawyers. They'll be like, 'You suck, Wiener!' ... Oh, God, did I just say that?
Malibu, California
Overheard by: ktmonster
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
3PM Then They Threw Up and Passed Out
Cube dweller: Yeah, she was having a lot of trouble with the Russians -- they just seemed to get too aggressive.
Chula Vista, California
Overheard by: Amy F.
1PM One of the More Confusing Motivational Speakers
Grunt: Why the hell should I care if some stupid Egyptian thinks I look like a ragamuffin?
Sutter Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Front Desk
2PM Customer: Wouldya Look at This Bullshit?
Assistant manager, about e-mail to customer: Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM A Better Question Is Why They Smell This Way
Employee: Why do you have rubber gloves?
Photographer: Don't worry about that.
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Not surprised
5PM And the Makeup Sex Is to Die For
Guest speaker: Domestic violence is hot.
Berkeley, California
2PM The Statute of Limitations Has Expired
Truck driver: Back in the old days, Larry* used to take bribes, Larry used to give bribes, Larry ran the company the way it should be run!
Dispatcher: Do you know what you just said?
Truck driver: I know what I just said!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: extracaffeinated
5PM Good Thing He Hired That Guy to Express Emotions for Him
Attorney #1: Where's Stew*?
Attorney #2: Getting Botoxed.
Attorney #1: Oh, god, not again.
1202 Kettner Boulevard
San Diego, California
11AM Now He's a Christian -- and Not in the Good Way
Boss: Yeah, he was into doing drugs -- and not in the good way.
San Francisco, California
1PM I Hadn't Thought That Far Ahead
Barista #1: So, what are you going to do with the dead bodies?
Barista #2: Ummm...
Starbucks
California
Overheard by: Aubrey
5PM No, Sir -- Just Invite the Media to Join Us
Executive: I once had to tell a supreme court judge to remove his martini from the canoe. The judge was attending an opening reception of a museum exhibition. He said to me, 'What are you going to do, sue me?'
San Francisco, California
12PM They've Gone beyond Even a Gentleman's "C"
Heavy male coworker: I really need to go on a diet. My tits are getting way too big.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: thesugarmonster
5PM Okay, So Part of That Was in My Head
Professor: A few years ago I had a student ask me for an alternative final because he had scheduled a vacation in Barcelona for the week of the final. I told him, 'Die, yuppie scum! And no.'
Engineering building, UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: Jessica P.
3PM Why -- What Did You Want to Do for Mom's 80th Birthday?
Cube dweller: I think we should force her to get drunk and embarrass her. After all, that's our way!
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McF
2PM Most Extras in Hollywood Are Golems Now
Foreign producer on phone: I tell him it's okay if you're dead... We'll make from him a midget...
Film studio
Hollywood, California
12PM What Happened to Bacon?
Intern girl #1: What's that smell?
Intern girl #2: What smell?
Intern girl #1: It's like... Grape Popsicles.
Intern girl #2: Ah, yes. That's the smell of the law.
City Hall
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Rachel
10AM And Is That a Giraffe?
Female office worker: I think I like this purse more than my Coach purse. It fits more stuff. I could fit a burrito in here! Actually, I do have a burrito in here.
350 Los Ranchitos Road
San Rafael, California
3PM How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?
Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That's it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!
708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California
12PM Mitt Romney?
Office peon: Well, guess who one of them was? Guess who one of the lesbian gypsies was?!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM Love the Orange Lipstick, Though
Blonde manager: These hooker shoes are killing my feet.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?
Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California
Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley
2PM ... He Brings a Different Wife to Every Office Party
Boss: I'm not saying he's a polygamist, but...
29th Street
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: mfk
5PM They're Opening for Shroud of Turin
Female analyst: Actually, my parents are in town this weekend. I think we're going to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls.
Male analyst: Oh! The Dead Sea Scrolls! You mean... the band?
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bored Actuarial Intern
12PM Denny's?
Office grunt: Now if I say something tastes like shit, I'll have a frame of reference.
Hyde Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: A.D.
9AM She Went to Prom with the Man in the Yellow Hat
Summer associate to managing partner: ... And then my mom told my date, 'The monkey can play in the trees, but not in the bush.'
Century City, California
1PM Dude, Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Meditation Monks
Intern, about weekend: My favorite monk wasn't in my meditation class, which was upsetting!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
3PM Why You Should Never Work with Your Wife
Coworker: Hey, Jill*, do we have any in stock?
Jill: Yes.
Coworker: Do you even know what I'm looking for?
Jill: No.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: SK
12PM Just Put Your Butt Down and Use Your Words
Black employee #1: I been assin' for a raise and assin' for a raise, but I ain't gettin' any.
Black employee #2: See, that's your problem -- the way you talk. You don't say assin' for a raise, you say, 'I been axin' for a raise.'
Men's room
Torrance, California
3PM Not Your Grandmother's CPR
Medical dispatcher giving CPR instructions: Now straddle his lips with your hips...
San Jose, California
Overheard by: firechick
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM I May Have Failed to Grasp Your Point
Office grunt: Well, you know what they say -- when the lion king roars, the cows go running.
Garey Avenue
Pomona, California
11AM Explains a Lot
Worker bee: No, he was there. My sister and I came home from school and found her on the floor covered with ketchup, and you know what? Rosanne Barr's mother did the same thing!
25500 Hawthorne Boulevard
Torrance, California
Overheard by: Robb Banks
12PM Nothing Was Ever the Same after Howie Got the National Geographic Channel
Suit on cell: So, my division is like an aborigine, and their division is like a rhinoceros.
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: Spittake
11AM ... That You're Going to Be Fired... Oh, You Don't?
Coworker #1 on phone: No, no, I would never say anything to anyone about that.
Coworker #2, as other hangs up: About what?
Coworker #1: Don't worry, you already know.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Doesn't know
2PM Nowhere Near "Jews for Jesus" Level, Though
IT guy to another: Gay Republicans are a little more weird than Gary*.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Come into My Office and I'll Show You Some Photos
Boss lady: I just don't think thong underwear is that attractive. I mean, maybe if you're 12 years old and tight...
Assistant: I don't think a 12-year-old in thong underwear is attractive.
Boss lady: Well, when you're 12, you're tight.
Burbank, California
2PM I Was Aiming for Your Crotch
Male peon: I didn't want to grab your... area.
Sierra College Boulevard
Rocklin, California
12PM So There's No One to Stop Me
Boss, about former employee: She smelled like my grandmother's underwear drawer.
Underling: Do you spend a lot of time in your grandmother's underwear drawer?
Boss: Well, she died a while ago...
1100 Hamilton Court
Menlo Park, California
3PM You're Cruisin' for Another Time-Out
Peon, reading: 'The essence of client trust accounting is contained in these three words: Client, trust, accounting.' Really? I would have thought more like, 'Thermometer, Frankenstein, candle.'
Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Jeffner
12PM Just Look at These Blisters!
Director of tech support, in heavy French accent: Busy week, yes. I have had to beat off many clients.
Tech dude: Wait, what?
Director: Oh, yeah. At least 30.
Tech support conference call
California
11AM I Think We Can Do Even Better
Lady customer: I need a phone that'll work all year -- all three hundred sixty-two days.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Tell Them Under No Circumstances Will Their Demands Be Met
Crazy woman at front desk: I will not be a slave to my teeth!
1685 Main Street
Santa Monica, California
9AM But the Problem Is, We're Completely Wrong
Lawyer #1: We still have the right to prove we're right, right?
Lawyer #2: Right.
465 California Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dances with lawyers
3PM God, You Techies Are No Fun
IT guy: Hey, Kelly* just showed me her slingbox.
Boss: Reeeally?
It guy: Yeah. It works fine and everything, but I wouldn't pay for it.
Boss: If you get her drunk she'll give it to you for free!
It guy: Ohhh... I think we're talking about different things...
Boss: Reeeally?
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: Would get sick of it anyway...
10AM Wonder If I've Overplayed That Card Yet
Secretary #1: Here, I'll trade you dark chocolate for my chocolate.
Secretary #2: No, I like dark chocolate.
Secretary #1: Why does the white man have to take all the dark chocolate? That's the last piece of dark chocolate, and I'm dark so I should eat it! You ate all the white chocolate last week because you're white, and now you're going to have all the dark chocolate, too, just like the white man does to everything!
Secretary #2, eating dark chocolate: It's all mine now. Look at this! [Opens mouth.]
Secretary #1, muttering to herself and walking away: Just like the white man...
11330 Pierce Street
Riverside, California
Overheard by: Kevin
12PM Or Salmon Mousse with Cucumber Sauce
Coworker, after boss's going-away party: I just feel sick... like I'm going to throw up. Maybe I'm allergic to sentiment.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Popcorn Kernels (You Pervs)
IT help desk: Mine are nothing like yours. Yours get so fluffy when I put them in my mouth.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
4PM I'm Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Boss: What do you think of blood dye?
3120 Lincoln Park Avenue
Los Angeles, California
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
11AM I Just Unplug Their Cable
Coworker on phone to husband: We have to start hiding that camera from her. Yeah, yeah... You want me to beat her? Honey, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding! You know I never beat the kids.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Sara
12PM But It's the Tasseled Loafers You Really Have to Look Out For
Sales manager: Jack* didn't show up to work today. He probably went to an interview at another company.
VP: Is this the guy with the shoes?
Sales manager: Yep.
VP: Any dude wearing white shoes and a white belt is somewhat suspect...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Smiths
4PM ... Oh, Bottles of Scotch. What Did You Think I Was Talking About?
Coworker on phone: If you want to know any good 12-year-olds, I can tell you. Just ask.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Over H. Eard
1PM You Do Smell a Little Ripe
Cube dweller: I'm at the peak of my fat season!
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
1PM And Then We Invaded Iraq
Worker bee: I love the smell of gasoline. I'd sniff gasoline all day long, if it wouldn't, you know, kill you.
2000 East El Segundo Boulevard
El Segundo, California
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
12PM Well, Now You're Just Bragging
Defense attorney at deposition: ... And before the accident, about how many times per month were you intimate with your wife?
Plaintiff: Um, probably upper 20s.
Defense attorney, incredulous: Upper 20s?!
Plaintiff: Yeah. My wife is Latin.
9th Street
Sacramento, California
9AM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!
Secretary: What I'd give for an eight-year-old vagina again...
Orange County, California
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
12PM Ahoy, Space Station, Prepare to Be Boarded!
NASA intern: Okay, kids, let's put on our pirate costumes and play spaceman!
Research center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
4PM Another Drawback of the Atkins Diet
Coworker to another: Remember the time you spilled your meat juice in the back of my Pathfinder?
6412 Maple Avenue
Westminster, California
1PM And Nobody Will Talk about Building 231
Intern: You'd expect building 233 to be right next to 230, but 230 is, like, totally inside and 233 is totally, like, right here.
NASA Ames Research Center
California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
5PM Or Should It Go Under "B" for "Bubble"?
Admin: We received a brochure for a fog and bubble machine in the mail today... This is cool! Why are they sending us this?
Coworker: Oh, Alan* saw that at the trade show and wanted it. If we had a bubble party, would you show up in a bikini?
Admin: Of course! We'll file this under 'Awesome.'
San Luis Obispo, California
Overheard by: blueangelrock
4PM Eh, the Whole State Has a Permanent Case of Colony Collapse Disorder
Grunt #1: Oh, man, I need a bagel. I weighed myself this morning and I'm lighter than I should be.
Grunt #2: One thirty-nine?
Grunt #1: Yeah, that's bad... Even for me.
Grunt #3: Carbo-load.
Grunt #2: Put butter and cream cheese on the bagel.
Grunt #1: Oh my god, did you hear about the bees?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: They're dying.
Grunt #3: Oh, yeah, I think it was Einstein that said if the bees die, you know, culture dies...
Grunt #2: Bee culture?
Grunt #1: No, like us -- California culture.
Grunt #3: Performing arts?
1355 Sansome Street
San Francisco, California
2PM Or Your Christless Superstition
Manager at staff meeting: Let's go around the table, and everyone state your religion.
Pasadena, California
10AM Just Getting You Back for the Infamous Glitter Incident of '05
Coworker entering another's cube with hole-puncher, stack of paper, and beginning to punch holes: If I do this in my office, then there will be little paper circles all over my floor, and that's really annoying.
1632 Da Vinci Court
Davis, California
11AM Yep, the Bad Samaritan Is Straight
Garbage man to another: I was driving a truck on the on-ramp and I seen a naked guy runnin' alongside the freeway. I yelled at him, 'Yeah! Way to go! Naked people are cool!' It wasn't like it gave me a chub or anything.
Garbage company
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: the dispatcher whose heard it all
1PM Caller: Good News! They Told Me It Was Okay!
Coworker on phone: I believe the court will look unfavorably at you getting arrested, yes... Well, yeah, obviously a misdemeanor would be better than a felony... I am not saying it's okay. I'm saying that the court tends to sort of get pissed off at you when you get arrested at all, but it's even worse when you get arrested for a felony-level offense. What do you mean, you're not planning on getting caught? You're asking me about what your chances would be of getting your kids back if you got arrested... I'm pretty sure that's a felony. And no, I don't think the court will be lenient with you if you say you hold the drugs to make money to get your kids back. Not the criminal court or our court... Um, that's definitely a crime. Okay. Bye [hangs up]... How weird is it that I felt like there was nothing wrong with that conversation until after I got off the phone with her?
425 Shatto Place
Los Angeles, California
12PM Unlike These Ammunition Rounds, Which Are Totally Still Live
X-ray machine attendant, picking stuffed panda up off belt: This one's dead... He didn't make it through the machine.
Airport
Los Angeles, California
5PM Another Conquest for Gerald
Cute intern reading UPS package label: Hey, Gerald*, you got a big package!
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: fatty
12PM Been Feeling a Bit Queer All Day
English coworker: I'm just going outside to suck on a fag.
Irvine, California
Overheard by: James
2PM Okay, Gotta Go --They Just Dipped My Pigtail in an Inkwell
Lady peon to males making farting noises: Please! I am on the phone with my dad! [Into phone] No, they're your age!
Burbank, California
12PM His Business Model Is Predicated on People Being Stupid
Bimbette: Do you have any, like, advice for the test?
Tutor: Yeah -- if you get a fraction, then you probably got it wrong. Fractions are really bad. Like, if you get 81/3 or some other stupid number...
Bimbette: Right. Fractions are bad. Got it.
Girl passerby: You know that simplifies, right?
Tutor: You are such a nerd.
Middle school
Carmel Valley, California
10AM Isn't That an Adam Sandler Movie?
Coworker #1, shadowboxing and humming: Dom, duh-duh, dom.
Coworker #2: Are you singing Eye of the Tiger?
Coworker #1: No, I am singing Rocky.
Coworker #2: But that is Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: Are you sure? I thought it was Rocky.
Coworker #2: No, it's Eye of the Tiger.
Coworker #1: What movie was that?
Coworker #2: Are you a moron?
1160 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
11AM I Bet I Can Locate the Dimmest One in the Store
Customer: Could you tell me where the Amaryllis bulbs are?
Clerk #1: Hey, do you know where we keep the bulbs?
Clerk #2: I think they're on Aisle Four -- y'know, with the other electrical stuff.
Clerk #1, to customer: Did you check there? That's where we keep the bulbs.
Customer: No, no, no -- they're flowers! Do you have any?
Clerk #1: Well, I'm pretty sure we've got bulbs. Did you need a three-way one, or a regular one? You should check on Aisle Four, then.
1690 Grande Avenue
Arroyo Grande, California
Overheard by: Blue
2PM I'm Just Here for the Drinking
Student: Can I get a list of people who write theses?
Receptionist: You mean, the list of typists?
Student: No, I want the list of people who'll write my thesis for me.
California
9AM You Know the Feeling When You Lean Back Too Far in Your Chair?
Boss: I'm trying to figure out how to explain this in terms that you can understand.
Jane*: I think I get what you're trying to say.
Male peon #1: I think I also understand what you're trying to say.
Male peon #2: Me, too.
Boss: Let me put it this way: let's all imagine that Jane is at the OB/GYN...
Response Road
Sacramento, California
4PM Someone Typing with One Hand
Marketing guy: Who printed all of these David Hasselhoff pictures?
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
11AM And We've Already Been Picked Up by Spike TV
Office grunt: ... So then I said, 'Bill*, just throw a bunch of monkeys in a container and have them eat all the bananas.'
1111 Broadway
Oakland, California
3PM I'd Like to Pay for It with Monopoly Money
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
4PM And Its Regrettable Attendant Closeness
Graphics supervisor: They talked about touching.
7th and Flower Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Spongegirl
9AM Like My Wedding
IT guy: Someone better jump out of a cake later and scream, 'Gender surprise'!
Silverlake, California
1PM First, They Walk into a Bar
Suit: So, your friend is Puerto Rican and he's donating a kidney to a Jew? How can they do that?
California Street
San Francisco, California
12PM Abe: Nah, That's a Poser Shirt
Cube rat #1, wearing white dress shirt: Too bad Abe's* out today. He'd compliment me on my gangsta shirt.
Cube rat #2: What's so gangsta about it?
Cube rat #1: I just know Abe. He'd say, 'That's a gangsta shirt!' Too bad I wore it and he isn't here to see.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Diablo
3PM Thank You, Mr. Snitcherson -- I'll Take It from Here
Male student entering Principal's office: Someone's been gluing pennies to the urinal again!
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
1PM Precious Little of That at My House
Female coworker: So, did you get laid last night?
Male coworker: No, the cleaning crew came in before we could.
Female coworker: Pity. I came in this morning sniffing around for the smell of pussy and latex.
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
10AM I've Seen a Grown Man Unravel Like a Sweater
Male suit: You and your va-jay-jay...
Lady suit: Yeah, so? Guys are obsessed with their dicks. -- I'm just protective of my va-jay-jay.
Male suit: That's 'cause it's just out there hanging around -- anything could just snag it! At least yours is tucked away.
Lady suit: Anything could snag it? Oh my god. Like a hang nail?!
Male suit: Yes.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Ask Your Friends Who Watch Grey's Anatomy
Woman on cell: Remember when she saw those two dead bodies? No, Denny is the tall one.
Merced Mall
Merced, California
Overheard by: I work there
11AM I Have Your Card, Mistress Chaos
Office chick: I'm the coordinator for that program, so just holler if you get all tied up and need me to solicit someone for you.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Don't pick me
2PM How Bleu Cheese Dressing Was Invented
Cube dweller: The ranch is very weird today. Not weird-bad, but weird-tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. [Later] Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as... gone bad.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Stupid Bitch. Lucky Me.
Bitter CSR: She got some flowers delivered... I should take them -- I bet she doesn't even deserve flowers... But I probably don't deserve her abusive boyfriend.
2610 Portland Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: also flower-less and bitter
4PM She Attended the Finest Charm Schools Rikers Has to Offer
Suit on cell: Did you hear that she peed her pants in the bar? Yes, I am talking about the girl who tried to beat my ass.
2220 Colorado Avenue
Santa Monica, California
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
10AM Isn't Everyone's?
Photographer: Are you saying my cock is funny?
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
9AM Wait, No - That's Why I'm Afraid of Fire
Woman: You know I'm afraid of birds, don't you? It's because of that movie and the time my mother burned down a gas station.
Cal State Northridge
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
5PM Who Encouraged William Shatner to Make a Children's CD Anyway?
Annoyed peon: None of it rhymes! He rhymes 'lizards' with 'chinchillas' and 'dogs' with 'scorpions.'
101 2nd Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pinup
5PM Are You Happy About Any of That?
Coworker: In the 30 years I've worked here, I've been married more times than I've called in sick.
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
3PM Our Slogan: We're Quivering to Help You
Presenter: Right, so not only do you have to help each other, but you also have to service your members.
Hotel
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: really bored
1PM It'll Just Make Things Worse
Grandmother to toddler trying to climb out of shopping cart: If you fall on your head and break your leg, don't come running to me.
Santee, California
Overheard by: Snickering Cashier
3PM He Was Grandma's Last Disappointment
Male coworker: So, did you hear about what Shannon* did for her grandmother's birthday?
Female coworker: Yeah!
Male coworker: How she got her a stripper?
Female coworker: Yeah, haha. I know!
Male coworker: Pretty funny... She was, like, 90... Did you hear that she died like a week later?
Female coworker: Yeah...
Male coworker: Yeah. It kinda sucks.
Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: Audiogirl Hates Elevators
1PM Good Samaritan: Yeah, I Just Kept Walking, Too
Secretary: Oh my god. I walked past this hobo that smelled so bad I could taste it. I mean, I might as well have licked him.
Paralegal: Did he have blood running down his leg onto his foot? I think I've smelled him before, too.
601 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
4PM That's What the White House Staff Is For
Tech: Sometimes I think George* has never been on the Internet.
9155 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
9AM Okay, I Have to Get Off -- Bye, Now!
Garbageman on phone: I am calling in sick. I took some Cialis and I have had an erection for more than four hours... Has anyone used that excuse before?
Dispatcher: No, not that I recall.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: dispatcher who has heard it all
10AM The Less I Know, the Better, Actually
Overpaid IT guy: Well, I'm here to help, but don't expect me to know what's going on.
San Francisco, California
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
12PM Very '80s
Worker #1: Wow, that's a large bush, Pat*.
Worker #2: Yeah...
Worker #1: I mean, it's nice! Do you think it's large?
Worker #2: A little, but I like it.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
3PM On the Plus Side, I Can't See the Band at Rolling Stones Concerts
Short coworker behind tall coworker's chair: I wish I were tall enough to hover more effectively.
Roseville Road
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: BanditCat
12PM Grandma: These Rocks Ain't Gonna Move Themselves!
Coworker on phone: Granny was outside talkin' with the crack fiend. I was like, 'Granny, get away from that crack fiend!'
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: katie
12PM Or One Person, for Seven and a Half Hours
Client: I just want to touch a hundred and fifty people a day for three minutes.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 1 or 2 at a time?
10AM Should Have Just Used Duct Tape
Receptionist: ... And let me just tell you, those at-home wart freezers do not work on your poonani.
Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Glad I wore my space suit
9AM Inconvenient, but True
Chick: I can't pee when the janitor is in there.
Dude: What, it throws you off? Try peeing while Al Gore is peeing right next to you on his phone. I usually just turn around and walk right back out.
King Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: misnomer
10AM Stop Calling It That! It's Just an Unclaimed Drink
Barista to another after calling out drink orders: So, uh, what are you going to do with the dead body?
Starbucks
Burbank, California
Overheard by: rambunkcious
2PM Mr. Hennesey Beat the Chimps at Poo Flinging
English teacher: I didn't actually get kicked out of the zoo, but they did scold me and said I couldn't come back anymore.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: What did he do to those animals?
10AM Now I Might Actually Have to Talk to Him!
Bimbette: I need a shorter stud for my Monroe piercing 'cause I can't go down on my boyfriend. And... I like to do that.
Piercer: That sucks for both of you then, because you can't have a shorter stud in yet.
Bimbette: I can't suck dick! [Her mom leaves the store.]
Lake Forest, California
Overheard by: indigo_dream
10AM Meet the Inventors of Sudokucaine
Coworker #1: I remember trying heroin once. It was the only time I managed to beat my aunt at Scrabble.
Coworker #2: Dude, that's like doing coke and kicking back with a puzzle!
600 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
1PM What Happens When Word-of-the-Day Calendars Don't Include Definitions
Cube dweller: Well, you don't want to be ambiguous in your genocide.
31355 Oak Crest Drive
Westlake Village, California
11AM The Best I Can Offer Is a Latex Glove Full of Frosting
Courtesy clerk: Can I help you find something, sir?
Male customer: Yes. I need condoms and cake right now! If I can't get one tonight, I need the other. Can you hurry?
Grocery store
California
Overheard by: Daphne
5PM Or Once That Definition Gets Relaxed
HR admin to uninterested IT guy: I'll be perfectly happy once I'm not morbidly obese.
1037 West 9th Street
Upland, California
Overheard by: Convinced she's correct
2PM It's Just Sort of Good, Like a Dancing Bear
Analyst #1: It's perfect -- it's like a unicorn.
Analyst #2: We'll see some disagreements on perfect.
Empire Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Statja K
11AM I Lie at the Third-Grade Level
Four-year-old holing up a toy: Mommy, can I get this?
Mom: It says it's for kids ages eight and up. How old are you?
Four-year-old: Um... eight.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
1PM It Was Like Peaking on Acid
Associate: Dude, I just saw my first hot Wal-Mart employee!
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: DRM
10AM Buying That Defibrillator Really Paid Off, Huh?
Black lady: So, you dating again?
Chinese lady: No, why would I be dating?
Black lady: I thought your husband was dead!
Chinese lady: No, he's not dead.
Black lady: Well, good for you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
4PM But Then My Kids Go and Put Them in Their Mouths
Hot girl #1: So, I itch.
Hot girl #2: Uh-oh. Time for cranberry tea. Get some at lunch.
Hot girl #1: And there's a big bump on, y'know, the opening.
Hot girl #2: Are you washing your toys after use them?
Hot girl #1: Every time?
100 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: No longer hungry!
11AM You've Got Your Problems, I've Got Mine
Sales rep: Can you tell me why we have been behind on the uploading lately?
Tech girl: Yeah, that's because we don't have enough manhood right now.
El Monte, California
Overheard by: Cooly
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
12PM Good -- My Therapist Is Always Projectile-Diagnosing Me
Assistant: I don't think you're crazy. I may vomit on you, but I don't think you're crazy.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
9AM The Principle Is Exactly the Same
Coworker: You killed a squid. Don't act like you took down a moose with a pencil sharpener.
16761 Via Del Campo Court
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hal Aljibury
11AM So I Figure They Can Watch Him
Hospital employee #1: Hey, girl! You going to the club tonight?
Hoochie hospital employee: Yep!
Hospital employee #2: And how are those kids doing?
Hoochie hospital employee: My son has pneumonia, but everyone else is alright.
1600 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Jefferson Smoyle
5PM And Clean Up after Yourselves
Flight attendant: ... And if this love plane becomes a love boat, please use your seat cushion as a flotation device.
Sacramento International Airport
California
Overheard by: Wishing I wasn't sitting next to my grandmother
10AM Which Is Also Part of the Joke
Mid-level manager #1: I've become a running joke.
Mid-level manager #2: Really? I didn't know you knew that.
Mid-level manager #1: [Long pause] I just caught on.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Cube dweller
10AM But She Can Still Be Called As a Witness
Coworker #1: You know how when you're dating a girl and you find out she has morals...
Coworker #2: Yeah, you give it three dates and then you lose her number.
Monterey, California
Overheard by: Horrified
9AM Apparently They Go to the Same Waxer
Man: Answer me this -- just what the fuck does Chewbacca know about Tarzan, anyway?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: pleasekillme
9AM He's an Arkansas Leg Hound -- Best to Let Him Finish
Camera assistant: Your dog's getting drunk off my pants.
Culver City, California
4PM They're Good Mostly for Office Supplies
Guy on phone waiting for other end to pick up: If I'm going to get caught embezzling, it's not going to be at a nonprofit-- [other end picks up] --Hi, Deborah*!
San Francisco, California
4PM I Do Eat a Lot of Chicken. Why?
German engineer: Yeah, it's a backdoor thing, and I got him right in the morning.
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
Overheard by: E40
12PM Omagah, Bethany, Have You Seen The Trees Run Red?
Coworker on phone: Teenagers... Vampires... Trees and rain... I'm sold.
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM That Would Fit with All of My Other Answers
Employee #1: What are you doing?
Employee #2: A crossword. What's the capital of Maine? Is it Rhode Island?
Lombard and Buchanan Street
San Francisco, California
2PM To Be Fair, He's Staying Home with Seven of the Laker Girls
Chick: So, what are you doing tonight?
Dude: Going out.
Chick: Where are you going?
Dude: Somewhere.
Chick: Oh. With who?
Dude: People.
Chick: You're staying home tonight, huh?
Dude: Yeah...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: cupcakee
12PM And I'm Too Important to Go Look
Lady coworker #1: What was the word of the day yesterday?
Lady coworker #2: ... You mean from dictionary dot com?
Lady coworker #1: Yeah.
Lady coworker #2: Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails.
Lady coworker #1: Oh, neither do I. I just wanted to know what it was.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM All My Botched-Surgery Cash Goes Straight into My Pocket!
Cube dweller #1: So, you were skinny before?
Cube dweller #2: Yeah, I had a botched hernia. They nicked my bowel -- it was like taking a dump on your organs.
Cube dweller #1: Man, that sucks. Didn't you get a big settlement for it?
Cube dweller #2: No, because I survived. Besides, the old lady got most of it in the divorce.
Cube dweller #1: Man, I'm never getting married.
Simi Valley, California
9AM They're a Tough Audience
Coworker on phone: Well, while you're waiting you should warm up the manatee.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM It's the Only Capital Crime in San Francisco
Employee #1: Is it warm outside?
Employee #2: Eh, it's a little chilly. Grab a sweater.
Employee #3: Or a vest. Or a sweater vest!
Employee #2: Oh, Sally*, no! It's never sweater vest weather.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
1PM Monkey: Take Your Time -- He's on Medi-Cal
Bookkeeper: He has a monkey! It's a medically trained monkey. It can dial 911. What it tells them, I'm not sure...
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
2PM They Were Gangbanging Me That Night
Cute office peon: What's wrong, Tom*?
Tom: I'm just feeling a little depressed today.
Cute office peon: Why?
Tom: I had planned this party over the weekend, and no one showed up.
Cute office peon: Don't feel bad about that, Tom. It's not your fault that your friends can't come!
5500 University Parkway
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: And she knows this how?
11AM She's Seen Life Goes On, the Director's Cut
Peon #1, after dealing with an idiot tech from another company: Maybe she has an extra chromosome.
Peon #2: Are you saying she has Downs Syndrome?
Peon #3: Maybe it's like in Dune where you have the extra chromosome and you're super-human.
Peon #2: Something tells me Frank Herbert wasn't a geneticist.
Peon #1: I don't know. Some of those retards are really strong. They'll rip your fuckin' arms off.
160 South Old Springs Road
Anaheim Hills, California
Overheard by: ApollyonBoB
1PM I Liked It Better When We Were Doing the Whole Cat's in the Cradle Thing
Middle-aged dad: Frankie Laine died.
20-ish son: Who the fuck is Frankie Laine?
Middle-aged dad: He was a great singer. He sang the theme from Blazing Saddles.
20-ish son: That was 40 fucking years ago. What did he die of, irrelevancy?
Middle-aged dad: You're too young to appreciate anything.
20-ish son: I fucking hate it when you say that.
Blockbuster
Oceanside, California
10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away
Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?
University and 30th Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Zombie
11AM Betty: Yet Another Ingenious Excuse to Get Out of Working
Tech guy: Yeah, Betty* left a Post-it at my desk because her computer was broken -- it wouldn't turn on, but then when I got there it seemed to be fine.
HR rep: Oh, she actually came to me about it so I just left the Post-it for her just in case, but I'm pretty sure the reason it wouldn't turn on was because she was pressing the big round Dell symbol instead of the start button.
5700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I can turn on my computer
12PM It Told Me to Ask You for a Raise
Girl: Just so you know, I have a gigantic cyst on my vagina.
9050 Washington Boulevard
Culver City, California
12PM The Unauthorized Biography
Bookstore clerk: Hehe, there's a book called The Idiot?
Barnes & Noble
Emeryville, California
5PM Two in the Skull
Worker: Didn't the doctor say that you have to lose weight because it was pressing down on your diaphragm and giving you breathing problems?
A/P drone: Men have diaphragms?
Century City, California
Overheard by: Squelch
5PM I Told You I'd Take Care of It
Office grunt: That lady died? She's the one that stole our air freshener out of our bathroom!
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: I love my co-worker
3PM Unfortunately, the Stage Name 'Mr. T' Was Already Taken
Coworker #1: Is that green tea?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Is there such a thing as blue tea?
Coworker #2: I don't think so.
Coworker #1: Maybe blueberry flavored would be blue. Is there blueberry tea? Blue tea would be crazy!
Coworker #2, shrugging: I'm not sure. There might be, but I'm not a tea expert.
Coworker #1: I am. I'm a tea connoisseur. I know all about tea. Well, the letter T. I know all about the letter T. I can write it in all kinds of ancient, archaic languages.
Coworker #2 [Blank stare.]
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
9AM I Guess He Knew One before We Were Together
Trainee: My boyfriend likes this perfume. He says it smells like the inside of a clean woman.
Training class, Cosmetic company
California
2PM They're Doing a Piece on the Renaissance of the Whoopie Cushion
Editor: Never mind the farting sounds you heard from across the hall. They're nothing to worry about.
353 Sacramento Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Anyone Else Picturing an Ungodly 'If They Mated'?
Coworker #1: So, I've been reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, and I had no idea about the Toni Braxton-Taylor Hicks thing.
Coworker #2: ... The what?
Coworker #1: You know, the false labor...
Coworker #2: You mean Braxton Hicks?
Coworker #1: Yes, Toni Braxton-Taylor Hicks. I had no idea it was called that.
Coworker #2: It's not called that. Please stop calling it that.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's REALLY not called that
10AM We Don't Know, Either
Dude #1: That's impossible.
Dude #2: No, it isn't. I've seen a chick do it with a blender before.
Dude #1: Holy shit.
Sacramento City College
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Melissa
4PM Curiously Deadly
Office drone: If we die it'll be because of those Altoids.
3229 East Spring Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM She Was Proven Wrong As Soon As Her Promotion Came Through
Loan officer: Ugh, I could never be a teller.
CSR, under her breath: Yeah, well, I could never be a condescending, superior bitch.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Not a teller either
9AM Wrong on So Many Levels
Male law student #1: In chambers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison somebody is going to make them their bitch.
Male law student #2: So he said they'd pretty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law student #1: Yeah, pretty much.
Male law student #2: God, that'd be horrible.
Female law student #1: Unless you were gay. Then it'd be like heaven!
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Attaboy Finch
5PM Friday: Treat Crabs
Guy #1: How was your meeting?
Guy #2: Short and sweet -- I have absolutely no action items, except for one.
2141 Rosecrans Avenue
El Segundo, California
Overheard by: they think my iPod is on
2PM When Let's Go Travel Writers Talk Dirty
Office peon: It's amazing what delicacies you can find hidden within the bush.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM When Parents Can't Afford Blackberries
Two-year-old girl singing: Get the money, get the beer, get the money, get the beer...
Dressing room, Fashion Q
Granada Hills, California
Overheard by: Saucy
2PM Also Like the Pound
Guy in crowded elevator that smells like disinfectant: Have you ever been to jail? It smells like jail in here.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: No, I never have
11AM Native Americans: Jeez, Even the Bigots Ignore Us!
CEO to new sales rep: Use your judgment when it comes to payment schedules. If they sound like good people -- you know, like normal Americans on the phone -- we'll bill them. But Ay-rabs and Orientals pay COD. You have to watch those bastards, 'cause they'll all fuck you.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
Overheard by: Really glad I gave notice yesterday
12PM Like, Mopedly So
Mailroom worker: I can't take him to the Christmas party -- he oh beast!
Receptionist: He's a beast? You mean he's ugly?
Mailroom worker: No, he's fat. Like really fat. He's oh beast.
Floor 7, 9460 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, California
11AM Only the Office Fix-a-Flat Kit Kept Her from Deflating
Woman #1 sneezes, then looks terrified.
Woman #2: Are you alright?
Woman #1: I think I just blew out my tampon.
Ventura, California
2PM I Don't Like Being a Round Myself
Blonde: So, have you taken any Lamaze or yoga classes to help with the birth?
Preggers: No, the thought of having to be around all those pregnant women made me sick.
Oakland, California
5PM And Let's Face It, You Don't Have Much Going for You besides Your Looks
Girl #1: He is so shallow!
Girl #2: Not at all, why would you say that?
Girl #1: 'Cause he's attracted to you.
3535 Monroe Drive
South Bay, California
5PM After Years of LSD, He Can't Tell Anymore
Coworker #1: Man, my digital camera broke. Now the sky turns pink and clouds appear green.
Coworker #2: Oh, really? That sucks.
Coworker #1: In the pictures, I mean.
Coworker #2: [Silence.]
19111 Pruneridge Avenue
Cupertino, California
4PM It Won't Be Long before We're Best Evil-Whores
Office girl with flower arrangement: Look! Look what I got!
Office manager: Wow! Where did you get those from?
Office girl: The girls that helped me chair the dinner. Oh! Look, [gushing as she reads the card], 'From two bitches to the biggest bitch we know!' Oh! How sweet!
Office manager: That is just so sweet of them!
Girl and manager, together: Awww!
Hanford, California
Overheard by: not one of her bitches
2PM Cellhead: Did You Hear What That Guy Said? Ow! Quit It!
Male flight attendant: Okay, folks, one last time -- please turn your cell phones off. If the person next to you is talking on their phone, smack 'em! That should teach them.
Southwest flight 1911 to Oakland, California
Overheard by: Katie
11AM Getting a Government Contract. Didn't I Say That?
Coworker #1 on phone: Seriously, it was like neutering a cat with a butter knife.
Coworker #2 on speaker: What?
DT Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Suddenly glad I don't have pets
9AM Yes, My Stack's about to Overflow
Engineer: So, we think we got the problem with the RAM failures locked down.
Boss: You've really been engorged this week, haven't you?
Engineer: What?
6540 Lusk Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Im engorged this week...
5PM It's So Expensive, and You Gotta Save Money to Buy Baby Stuff
Female coworker: I hate kids.
Male coworker: That'll change when you get pregnant.
Female coworker: But I never want kids!
Male coworker: Better stop drinking.
405 Hilgard Avenue
Los Angeles, California
3PM Ann Coulter Comes to Her Senses
Blonde seeing Hitler in documentary: Ewww! He's such a dickhead.
University of California Irvine
Irvine, California
Overheard by: orangepenguino
4PM Jim's Not That Kind of Guy
Coworker #1: Did Jim* tell you that you had to sniff these to make sure the sensors weren't burnt?
Coworker #2: Sniff what?
Coworker #1: These units.
Coworker #2: No, Jim did not ask if I would sniff units.
133 Aviation Boulevard
Santa Rosa, California
10AM In Other Ews, a Riverside Woman Has Given Birth to Twin Cobs
Customer service girl eating from Christmas popcorn tin: Ew! These are sterile!
6141 Riverside Drive
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
9AM The Extraction Went Further Than Expected
Suit: I really don't think my wife got a total abdominal hysterectomy in a dentist's office... That's probably the wrong code...
Palo Alto, California
12PM A Dinette Set Was Behind Door #2
Woman to friend: I don't mind telling you -- I have just recently accepted Jesus into my life as my personal savior and salvation, and my life has changed so much. I mean, look -- I got a Lincoln Continental!
Starbucks, 2300 Mendocino Avenue
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Thankful to God for other reasons
9AM It's Just Coming on the Market
Employee: This filter prevents more orgasms from getting into your drinking water than any other filter on the market!
Customer giggling: Uh-huh...
384 Placerville Drive
Placerville, California
5PM Why Was That Ever a Valid Question for a Stranger to Ask on the Phone?
Girl #1: Let's prank someone.
Girl #2: Oh! We can call and say, 'Is your refrigerator running?'
Girl #1: Exactly!
Girl #2: ... I forget the punch line to that one.
Girl #1: Yeah... me, too.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
5PM California-Straight, Anyway
Interviewee: My current girlfriend used to be a lesbian, but she's straight now.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
Overheard by: Interviewer in another row
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher
3PM Dude, Stop Matriculating
TA: Okay, I want you all to close your eyes and imagine a woman. Now, what does she look like? Give me features.
Student #1: She has dark hair.
TA: Okay, good. Anything else?
Student #2, enthusiastically: She's naked!
301 Heller Drive
Santa Cruz, California
5PM A Dream: Curdled
High school girl: I'm gonna name a cheese after you, Mr. L.*!
Mr. L.: If you actually had the power to do that, I'd be very flattered.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
3PM I'm Thinking Something Circular with Red and Blue Concentric Rings
Manager: We really need some good ideas that senior management can throw darts at.
Underling: Hmmm...
Manager: Yeah, they don't know what they want, but they'll know when they see it. Then they'll have something to throw darts at.
San Diego, California
9AM Mengele's Genetic Experiments Finally Bear Fruit
Engineer: Is your boss in? We have a problem -- we have a little Aryan friend up on the second floor.
QA tech: No, he's on vacation... Wait -- we have what?
Engineer: A little Aryan friend flying around on the second floor.
QA tech: ... Ohhh -- 'avian.'
Engineer: Yeah, what did I say?
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
1PM Sorry, Hermaphroditic
Customer: What is the Happy Meal toy for boys this week?
Employee: Oh, no ma'am, we don't have boy or girl toys this week -- they are bisexual.
Customer: What?!
McDonald's
Santa Monica, California
12PM How We Deal with Socialists
Manager: Man, you guys from Alabama are hard-core putting someone getting the chair on the back of your quarter.
Boss from Alabama: That's not someone getting the chair -- that's Helen Keller!
Manager: You guys electrocuted Helen Keller?!
Campus Point Drive
San Diego, California
3PM Lube and Oil Change?
Voice on PA: Can we get a customer service in the women's room?
Safeway
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: mind in the gutter
11AM Why Does This Have Coal in It?
Administrator: How was your Christmas?
Boss: Great. Now all I want is to get some sleep and find my underwear.
3740 Mill Creek Road
Mentone, California
10AM Just Got His Room the Way He Likes It
Cashier: Okay, so can I get your address so we can ship the unit to you? [Old lady gives the cashier her address.] And you, sir? What's yours?
40-year-old son wearing a 'Vote for Pedro' shirt: It's the same as my mom's.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
4PM Seriously, Never Condo Shop When You're High
Waitress #1: I hate working here.
Waitress #2: Then why do you?
Waitress #1: Because, I bought a condo in San Diego, and now I have to work here on the weekends to make sure my mortgage is paid.
Waitress #2: Can't you just return it? Or sell it back?
Waitress #1: I don't have the receipt.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Stephanie Burns
4PM As Shown on This Scatter Diagram
Coworker: Every time he gets out of jail I end up pregnant.
Masonic Drive
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Nurse
2PM Why Glade Discontinued Their 'Tequila Passions' Line
Korean chick, gasping: It smells like drunk Mexican in here!
144 South Glendale Avenue
Glendale, California
10AM Miss, Your Tail Light Is Out
Girl: I don't care! I am all for police brutality. Seriously! I don't care!
900 University Avenue
Riverside, California
Overheard by: i live too close to los angeles
4PM She Cries, 'More, More, More!'
Lawyer #1: Is 'Rebel Yell' on the CD? I sing that in the shower... And I find myself punching my fist up into the sky... in rebellion.
Lawyer #2: Wow.
Lawyer #1: My wife really enjoys it.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJF
3PM Baggers Can't Be Choosers
Manager to bagger: I need you to do a big favor for me... Actually, it's not a favor so much as your job.
Food and drug store
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
2PM That's the Coroner Office
Boss on phone: No, no, no, the corner office. Not the one with the goat beard!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM I'm Never Going Back to Girls, Man
High school senior #1: That's an awesome bruise you've got there.
High school senior #2: Yeah, I punched a squid. You know that's how we get ink? We squeeze them.
High school
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: Alleged pre-calc student
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
4PM There's a Rumor They're All Cylons
Coworker: Tell the intern to do that.
Boss: The intern? She has a name.
Coworker: You know who I meant.
Boss: It's Rebecca*! Let's not be racist.
Coworker: Interns aren't a race!
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Whoops!
CEO: Anywho, it'll make us look honest, at least, if we say we just won't charge for that job. We don't want to just out-and-tell them we fucked that one all to hell.
34921 Del Rio Drive
Ontario, California
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
12PM God, It's Good to Be Employed Again!
9 to 5-er: I love orange juice! It's like eating an orange, and I like oranges!
El Toro Road
Laguna Hills, California
Overheard by: I like oranges, too
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
3PM And What's This Clause about Dingleberries?
Two managers are determining whether palm tree maintenance is covered in a landscape maintenance contract.
Property manager: It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple.' It can't be the same thing.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Or I'll Just Start Using My Health Insurance Card
Dude #1: I've lost five ATM cards this year.
Dude #2: How do you lose five ATM cards?
Dude #1: Doing a lot of coke... I'm thinking about stopping with the coke.
Haight Street and Clayton Street
San Francisco, California
2PM The New Racism
Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!
Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California
11AM The Car Did Most of the Work
Coworker: I was in a car accident once, but it wasn't my fault because I was asleep.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Not carpooling anymore
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
5PM What's That on Your Upper Lip?
Professor: Given the above table, who thinks penguin milk has less fat than seal milk?
Half the class raises their hands.
Professor: How many think penguin milk has more fat than seal milk?
Other half raises their hands.
Professor to TA: This is a bad sign.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: someone easily tricked at 8am sans coffee
1PM Causing Very Mixed Feelings, Indeed
Woman to friend: I'm so going to hit you in the vagina for that!
950 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Which Is Incompatible with Our Corporate Rigidity
Executive: At the end of December she agreed to voluntarily quit. She really wants to go and do that bendy thing -- you know, yoga.
Portrero Hill
San Francisco, California
11AM With a Name Like Oral Roberts, It's Hard to Be Otherwise
Coworker: Yeah, I call my husband the 'Pentecostal Pervert'! He married me when I was 13.
UC Davis Hospital
Davis, California
9AM Sorry, We Lost All of Ours, Too
Management material: Can I have a job application? I came in last week for one but I lost it.
277 Coalinga Plaza
Coalinga, California
Overheard by: Jaime who deals with dumb people
5PM Didn't You See Me Roll That Drunk in the Parking Lot?
10-year-old boy to mom: 63 dollars? Do you have that kind of cash?
Disneyland entrance gates
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: amused disney worker
11AM Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights
Salesman: It's this whole 'No Child Left Behind, let's get all the kids to graduate college' bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who's gonna do the work? Huh? Who's gonna dig the ditches? Who's gonna pick up the trash? We don't need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.
Birch Street
Brea, California
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
1PM What a Fulozer
CSR on phone: And what size product do you have?
Customer: Where do I find that?
CSR: It should be on the front of the label, probably on the bottom.
Customer: No, it's not there. All it says there is 'Eight fulozos.'
CSR: Uh... Do you mean 'Eight fluid ounces'?
Customer: No... It says 'Fulozos.'
1905 Aston Avenue
Carlsbad, California
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
3PM I, on the Other Hand, Will Be Seeing it for the First Time
Mortgage guy: I've lost 12 lbs. over the last 2 weeks!
Realtor chick: I'm gonna miss your chubby.
Yorba Linda, CA
Overheard by: laughing hysterically
12PM I Don't Care Who's Going Into Labor, Just Get Me That Keg
20-something guy on phone: Hey! Yeah, whatever. Do you have the keg? No, no listen to... Shut up! Listen to me! Do you have the keg?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Picadilly Bones
10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker
Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?
Stanford, CA
11AM Or Whatever It's Called When you Drink too Much and Fall Asleep
Coworker: I swear, I keep falling asleep at my desk...I think I have epilepsy.
7945 Haven Ave
Rancho Cucamonga, California
2PM He Showed up When She Ordered a Half-Italian on White
Waitress: My boyfriend is half Italian but he is mostly white.
Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: halfbreed
10AM I'm Gonna Say Courtney Love, But That's Just a Shot in the Dark
Girl caller: Hi, I want to report a woman lying facedown in the road.
Police receptionist: What does she look like?
Rosemead, California
4PM I Nodded Off During the Part About the Rain Forests
Gay drama teacher: We're going to McDonald's, did you want us to pick something up for you?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I don't eat there.
Gay drama teacher: Why, because of the movie Supersize Me?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I stopped eating there ever since they started cutting down the rain forests to make room for more cow pastures for their meat.
Gay drama teacher: So... then, you don't want McDonalds?
1311 E Katella Ave
Orange, California
3PM Pssst. Humans Are in Heat all the Time
Male coworker: It says I have to create a 'heat ticket.' Where is that?
Female coworker: Just open a general service ticket. I haven't had to go into heat to get that done.
50 Beele
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: JuJuBe
10AM 'Yiddish' Is Jew-Speak for 'Fuck You, Jesus Boy'
WASP: I know what that says! It's written in Jewish!
Bagel wench: Yiddish?
WASP: Are you Jewish?
Noah's Bagels, Manhattan Beach Boulevard
Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: just wants to make bagels in peace
2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs
Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.
3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: i love this place
9AM Probably Wouldn't Share Her Toothbrush, Either
Bar skank: And she got all pissy at me because I wouldn't share my sex toys with her.
1760 Camino Del Río North
San Diego, California
Overheard by: not sharing mine either
1PM The Concept of 'Caring' Was Not Covered at MIT -- Please Explain
Engineer #1: So how's it going?
Engineer #2: Crazy. Completely crazy. Why'd you ask?
Engineer #1: Because I care, dumbass.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: really touched
4PM Performance Review: Fails to Extrapolate
Employee #1: So did you know that any time you reserve a conference room, you have to also make a separate reservation for the media equipment?
Employee #2: Yeah, you always have to make a separate reservation for the equipment.
Employee #1: So when I reserved the conference room, why didn't you tell me I needed to make a separate reservation for the equipment?
Employee #2: Well, you asked if they had it. You didn't say you needed to USE it.
Santa Barbara, California
5PM Oh, This Won't Look Good at All in Court
Coworker: I was settling in for a little infidelity, and instead I got rape! But it was good.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
5PM The 'Advanced' Section of the Kama Sutra Is Not for Everyone
Manager: Yeah, in order for me to work it out, I had to bend over backwards and slap some K-Y jelly on it.
Radio Shack
California
Overheard by: Stephen
4PM So White She Doesn't Know What's Happened to the N-Word
White girl: Jesus, I just got called a nigger!
Filipino girl: What? On your break?
White girl: Yeah! And by a black person. Homeless. Wouldn't give her money. I'm about as cracker as you get... total whitey. I mean, I'm wearing Banana Republic.
1900 Broadway
Oakland, California
3PM And So Is My Other Mom -- And My Dad
Distressed eleven-year-old boy: Ms. B., Aaron called my mom gay and she is gay!
School
Poway, California
2PM In Practice, the Principle of Universal Brotherhood Causes Nothing but Confusion
Supervisor: So you and your brother have different fathers, then?
Worker: Yeah.
Supervisor: So you guys are related through your mom.
Worker: Naw, not really.
Supervisor: Wait, so how are you guys related, then?
Worker: I dunno. We're just brothers.
3901 Via Oro Avenue
Long Beach, California
Overheard by: bored on first day of work
1PM And What Could I Cover It With?
Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.
IKEA
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing
Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's not my project
1PM No, You've Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel
Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you're my dad?
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Still laughing now
12PM Made from 100% USDA Grade A Cops
Temp: All the food here is good, especially the bacon. I mean, this is real bacon, not the kind you buy at the store.
Culinary school
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: I'm surrounded by idiots
11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College
Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.
4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California
12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies
Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!
Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: BigWig
5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures
Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.
Balboa Park
San Diego, California
Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby
11AM It's an L.A. County Law
Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Jen
4PM Actually, It's a Generational Rorschach Test
Twentysomething new hire: Why is there a Harry Potter picture in our lobby?
Fortysomething manager: Actually that's a painting of John Lennon.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: Pop Culturally Literate
11AM But That Wasn't Working, So I Switched to George
Suit #1: So I was banging Alice in her office, and she started crying. It reminded me of George and Meredith in Grey's Anatomy.
Suit #2: Wow! That must have been a turnoff.
Suit #1: No, I kept going. I just pretended I was banging Meredith.
80 J Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Extra Character
5PM Well, Some of the Time, Anyway
Office manager: We kinda have a policy we sorta have to follow.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM How's Tomorrow Sound?
Underling: What do you want me to do today?
Superboss: That's a good question. I can talk about that whenever you're ready.
4000 Shoreline Court
San Francisco, California
12PM Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Desk
Girl: Can you keep this desk clean?
Guy: What? The desk is clean. Stop hating!
Girl: Hey, hey, don't say that, I'm not a cock-blocker. I don't cock-block.
Guy: What the fuck does that have to do with my desk?
350 South Figueroa
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Sexual tension in the workplace?
2PM Get the Mirror Off Your Desk
Employee: I've been on e-mail since 5 AM, and all I see is incomptitude.
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: hearing it in stereo
2PM He Has Those Shifty Eyes
Teacher: "Uncertain." What does "uncertain" mean?
7-Year-Old boy: Like you're not sure about it?
Teacher: Good! What's an example of something you're uncertain about?
7-Year-Old boy, after thinking for a moment: God.
1554 Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory
Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not the person either
9AM How to Tell If Your Co-Worker Is Actually a Robot
Male exec: I won't be able to be at the pitch. My grandfather died.
Female exec: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Male exec: It's okay, I still have my other grandfather.
Female exec: That's why you have two children, right? If one of them dies, you've still got the other one, so it's not so sad.
Dreamworks, 100 Universal Plaza
Universal City, California
Overheard by: Shrek
2PM Well, You and I Could Still Meet
Manager: So, the meeting is cancelled.
Office hoochie: And I put a clean thong on for this!
1950 Broadway
Oakland, California
Overheard by: mcbutters
3PM He's Fated to Become the Regional Manager
Employee: Fuck you very much for calling Blockbuster; how may I abuse you?...Oh, hi, Bill* [regional manager]...Yeah, today's my last day.
Blockbuster
Del Mar, California
Overheard by: Petyr
3PM What If Your Co-Worker's an Asshole?
Assistant #1: What if you get a busy signal?
Assistant #2: That means it's busy.
Assistant #1, after a long pause: Thank you.
450 N Street
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Assistant #3
11AM But It's That Kind of Go-Get-'em Attitude That Makes It So Hard For Me to Retire
Co-Worker #1: So, your last day is coming up, right?
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, thank God for that.
Co-Worker #1: I wonder who they will replace you with. Maybe the homeless guy on the street. I bet he could do as good as you.
Co-Worker #2: I'm not sure I like your style.
Santa Monica, California
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
9AM What Happens When Spell-Check Infiltrates Speech
Trainee: So, can you tell me why your mother can't walk?
Daughter: Her leg was amputated, and she can't walk on her prostate.
Home office
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: T
9AM But a 99% Chance It Will Be Stupid
Director: For your baby shower, are people buying pink or blue?
VP: Blue. Doctor says there's a 50% chance it will be a boy.
San Fernando Boulevard
San Jose, California
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
10AM God: 'I'd Like to Return This Woman, Please'
Customer: Hi, I'd like to make a return.
Cashier: Ok, do you have your receipt?
Customer: Yeah, here it is.
Cashier, after looking at receipt for a few seconds: Ma'am, this is from Walgreens.
Customer: Oh...[looks around the store in bewilderment] Where am I?
Longs Drugs
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
5PM I Tried Putting a Floppy in Her Once...Nothing
Computer guy #1: I can't see the hard drive on this network.
Computer guy #2: Well, the problem is that the disk isn't mounted. First you have to mount Claire*.
Claire: Hey!
Computer guy #2: Claire is the name of the office hard drive.
701 South Mount Vernon Avenue
San Bernardino, California
Overheard by: Amused
4PM She Got Pregnant During a Gang Bang
Co-Worker #1: My sister just had her baby this morning!
Co-Worker #2: How exciting! Wait, who just had a baby last month?
Co-Worker #1: My sister.
Co-Worker #2: The same one?
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
12PM It's My Fitness Program
Female co-worker: Yeah, these bruises on my legs? I wish I could say they were from S&M. Actually, I was just drunkenly stumbling around.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McN
12PM Yes, Matt Lauer Says the Same Thing
Male customer: Well, we're definitely interested. We'll be back this week to make the purchase.
Sales chick: It was a pleasure to meet you. My name is Katie.
Female customer: Oh, Katie. We'll remember that name!
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, whispering: Katie is the name of my "other" personality.
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, turning to male customer: Katie is not very nice, is she, darling?
Male customer: No, dear, she's not.
Northridge, California
Overheard by: charlotte
5PM Are You Sure You Don't Mean Joseph Smith?
Voice over loudspeaker: John Smith, please report to baggage claim to meet your wife and girlfriend. John Smith to baggage claim, meet your wife and girlfriend.
Oakland Airport
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Meg
10AM Margene, Are You Available? Oh, That's Right, You're the Bride.
Production Tech: Oh that's right, I forgot, someone else is going to have to pick up Dillon* on Friday. I'm gonna go get married.
859 Cotting Court
Vacaville, California
4PM And He Won't Be. Until the Next Time.
Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I've said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again...
2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
9AM How Do You Think I Got This Job?
Producer, on phone: I don't know how to make this more clear: Eat the bugs! You have to eat the bugs! Open your mouth, plug your nose, and shove the bugs in your mouth!
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
5PM Well, You'll Be Working Six Feet Under Me
Lady, to receptionist: Hi, I'm here for my internment...Oh, no! I mean internship!
875 Stevenson Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Waiting for Internment too
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
9AM Or Close Enough. It's Not Really Super Important.
VP: Well, we'll just keep compromising until we reach mediocrity.
139 Townsend
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Amy
11AM Who Goes to West Virginia on Their Vacation?
Agent: So you went to Virginia Beach on your vacation?
Manager: No, I went to West Virginia.
Agent: Oh. Where's Virginia Beach? In East Virginia?
10243 Genetic Center Drive
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cat
10AM And I Have Seen Enough
Guy: Wow! Look at the legs on that chick! Those are some really short shorts! Look, Bill*!
Bill: Yeah, that's my wife.
740 Fourth Street
Santa Rosa, California
Overheard by: Sandie
5PM And Sales Girls Prefer to Be Called 'Customer Revenue Facilitators' But Keep Dreaming
Sales girl #1: Hey, guys, there are two Oriental ladies walking to the back. Help them if you can.
Sales girl #2: We Orientals prefer to be called "Asians."
South Coast Plaza
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: another oriental
1PM No, That's Question #15
Nurse, pointing to birth control questionnaire: Ma'am, I think you answered this question incorrectly.
15-year-old girl: No, that's right.
Nurse: It asks how long you've been with your current partner. You said five minutes.
15-year-old girl: That's how long it took.
616 Court Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Vicky
1PM I Said 'Him Pet Us.' American Is Good Doggy.
European: Did you just use the word "impetus"? I think you're the first American I have heard use that word.
3695 Freedom Circle
Santa Clara, California
Overheard by: bbs
5PM As Santa Often Says...
Suit: Well, if a tiny old Korean tried to grab my sack, I'd probably want to jump him, too.
5850 Canoga
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Legal Ho'
10AM I Still Have Trouble Believing in Star Jones!
Disenchanted woman: One of my colleagues just began a sentence with "Star Jones says." I can't fucking believe I work here.
Oxnard Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Brokeass Harem
11AM Weren't You On The Electric Company?
Supervisor: I'm like the voice of truth. I'm the Superman of words.
8141 Riverside Avenue, Suite 7
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
1PM You Mean The Devil Wears Pirates?
Co-Worker on phone: I feel like seeing a movie. Okay, what's it called?...Who wears Prada?...Fidelo?
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
12PM His Next Call Is to Napa Auto Parts to Make Dinner Reservations
Hostess: Thank you for calling Napa 29, how can I help you?...I'm sorry, sir, this is a restaurant, not an auto parts store...No sir, this is not Napa Auto Parts...No, sir...Sir, this is a restaurant. I don't know how much a carburetor costs...Sir, I really don't...Three hundred dollars and eighty nine cents...Yes, sir. Have a nice evening.
280 Teller Street, Suite 130
Corona, California
Overheard by: Sara
11AM Nah, Turns Out It Was Just a Life Insurance Scam
Person #1: I just read that there has been a 104% increase in the numbers of lost or stolen cows recovered in Texas and Oklahoma.
Person #2: So they found 4 more cows than were actually lost?
650 California Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Gilligan
11AM Before I Put It in Mothballs For the Summer
Warehouse worker: You look nice today. You going somewhere after this?
Girl in dress: No, I just wanted to air out my vagina.
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: warehouse peon
5PM Pssst. They're Talking About Pot.
Prime-time show employee #1: I am going to do some farming after this.
Prime-time show employee #2: I agree. You could use it.
CBS Television City
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: working too late
10AM Disingenuousness Is Part Of My Professional Persona
Receptionist, on phone: Ocean View* Escrow
Processor: Darlene* please.
Receptionist: She's on the other line. Would you like to hold?
Processor: I'd love to.
Receptionist: Really?
Processor: Not big on sarcasm, are you?
1950 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Matt
5PM Would It Help If I Offered You Cunnilimbo?
Intern: I'm sorry that I didn't turn in my time sheet on Friday. I was on vacation and didn't have access to a computer.
Payroll official: Well, I'll let it go this time. Just don't keep us in lingo again.
130 Cremona Drive
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: A disbelieving employee
2PM I Wondered What James Stockdale Was Up To These Days
Operator: Thank you for calling Bayshore Medical Insurance*; how can I assist?
Caller: So who are you?
Operator: We're an insurance company.
Caller: And what do you do?
Operator: We help you with your insurance.
Caller: I don't understand.
Operator: Well, your boss gives you benefits for working there, and our job is to help you use your benefits.
Caller: I don't have any benefits! I never signed up for this! Did my boss tell you to call me? Is he trying to set me up? Who told you to call me?
Operator: Sir, you called me.
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: The Man
3PM Honey Bunches of Retrovirus
Tech #1: Did you see this consumer complaint? "Your cereal gave me herpes and AIDS." I guess we're giving out AIDS as a special promotion.
Tech #2: We're putting blood in the product now?
Tech #1: Knowing this place, more likely it's semen.
901 East Whitmore
Modesto, California
Overheard by: Changing my breakfast plans
12PM Dear Diary, Failed Emotional Intelligence Test Today
Older man: So, are you hungover?
Younger woman: No. Why? Do I look hungover?
Older man: No. I just wanted to start a conversation, and I don't know what else to talk to you young people about.
501 Second Street
San Francisco, California
3PM And That Was Just for the Left One
Chick #1: That's a really nice dress. How much did it cost?
Chick #2: Oh, um, $3500.
Chick #1: $3500! For a sun dress?!
Chick #2: Oh! You said "dress." I thought you said "breasts."
3200 Fifth Avenue
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Snarfed my Soda
11AM But Then I Gave Him the Pink Slip and Felt a Lot Better
Boss, talking about bad ex-employee: Dick was a real pain in the ass.
1900 Avenue of the Stars
Century City, California
Overheard by: JuliaTastic
2PM That's What the Cargo Pockets are For
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
1PM He Said Enematically
Engineer: Holy shit! I just measured twelve shafts!
5810 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
12PM Dibs on His Fur Coat
Staffer: I understand you want to complete a living will.
Patient: That's right.
Staffer: Do you know what this means?
Patient: Yes, it means I don't want to be kept alive if I'm in a persistent vegetarian state.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
4PM Marketing Powwow
Exec: Babies don't go online! Mothers do.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
10AM Damage Control
Coworker: I didn't mean to diss Madonna! It's just that I feel at this moment in my life, I'm over her.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
9AM Back to Work
Coworker #1: See, this is my new man bag.
Coworker #2: Oh, nice! So manly.
Coworker #3: Man bag? Sounds like scrotum.
270 County Hospital Road
Quincy, California
3PM Internship
Boss: How many servers do you think Google has?
Lackey: Infinite.
Boss: Infinite? You're a retard.
15 Alatarinda Road
Orinda, California
Overheard by: choking on a brownie
2PM Sexual Harassment
Secretary: So, the next time you shut the door to take one of your sex calls, I'm going to nail it closed!
311 Main Road
Point Mugu, California
Overheard by: mookie
2PM Disciplinary Action
HR person: My kids in my home are never too old to be spanked. My daughter's fourteen, and I'll beat her ass. Then I'll tell her, 'It's not over. Wait 'til I call your father and he beats your ass.'
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
1PM Business Casual
T-shirt: Why are you wearing a suit?
Suit: I had court this morning.
T-shirt: Traffic Court? Did you pay a fine?
Suit: Yeah, Traffic Court. The fine was five hundred dollars.
T-shirt: You should have worn a different suit. That one looks like it cost about forty dollars.
Suit: I paid seven hundred dollars for this.
T-shirt: You got ripped off.
Suit: Well whoever's been giving you that piece of shit baseball brim haircut the last year has been ripping you off.
T-shirt: I wear a toupee.
2211 N. First Street
San Jose, California
Overheard by: daimaoh
12PM Lunch
Coworker #1: Have you been to Joey's*? It's awesome.
Coworker #2: Not in a long time. Not since it was a deli.
Coworker #1: Oh, you should go. They have those big hooba wooba pipes...Hooba booba...Hooba hooba pipes?
Coworker #2: Do you mean hookas?
Coworker #1: Yeah.
330 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Violet White
10AM Conference Call
Coworker on the phone: I've been doing the balls and it's been working.
6412 Maple
Westminster, California
10AM Guided Practice
Student: Crap, I don't know how to start.
Teacher: I can't help you.
Student: Why not?
Teacher: If I knew this kind of crap do you think I'd be working at this ghetto school?
1133 Mission
Oceanside, California
10AM Ops Meeting
Operations manager: We have to work on communication. We are not communicating with each other. It's a fault of everybody's, not to say it's a fault, but it is a weakness -- not just of mine but of everyone's. Maybe not a weakness so much as a failing.
1190 North Del Rio Place
Ontario, California
3PM Covering All the Bases
Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It's mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it's like how blow-dryer labels say "do not put in mouth while in use." Not like it's a pressing issue, but there's always that one retard that's gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh...sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I'm getting this.
777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California
Overheard by: Max Guevara
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant: Sir?
Boss: Don't talk to me. It's Game Seven.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Lindroid
10AM Call Center
CSR: Seriously, when you think you've gotten the weirdest call you could get...someone calls about a conch shell.
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Lindroid
4PM System Diagnostics
Coworker: Apparently somebody took the RAM out of my computer and replaced it with crap.
3 Infinite Loop
Cupertino, California
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM Asset Management
Boss: Chinese women have no asses. They dream of having a big round ass. Like a black ass. You see that? That is a big black ass.
9925 Jefferson Boulevard
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Roland Kellar
10AM Under Sales Goal
Salesman: Yeah, I'm fucking fed up with that guy. He hasn't sent in his reports for weeks. Just keeps flying out to Texas. What the fuck are we paying him for, anyway?
Manager: Texas? What's he doing in Texas?
Salesman: Oh, apparently his dad died or something.
3000 Birch
Brea, California
1PM Application Support
Support tech on headset: Ok, so do you have the application loaded on your handheld now?
45 second pause
Support tech: Sir, sir, excuse me, sir, it was a yes or no question.
1521 Pacific Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
2PM Marketing Push
Boss: I need you to bust out that postcard ASAP! It's priority number six!
Designer: Um, does it have to be done now or do five other things have to be done first?
Boss: Six is the new one!
Designer: I didn't get that memo.
15335 Morrison Street
Sherman Oaks, California
12PM Lunch
RVP: Hey, I thought you were out sick today.
Sales manager: Nope, I was just tired.
RVP: [peeved] Nice.
Sales manager: Hey, you brought me here for my brutal honesty.
8833 W. Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
10AM Software Shopping
IT: If we're going to upgrade, what would be the difference between versions 7.1 and 6.5?
Manager: .6
5301 Bolsa Avenue
Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Adam Westrich
12PM Lunch
Boss: She's just too crazy for me. She's...what's the word? Phonetic!
Associate: She sounds things out?
480 San Antonio
Mountain View, California
9AM Back to Work
Foreign boss: [Cynthia], what are you eating?
Veronica: A breakfast burrito.
Foreign boss: Oh, no, [Cynthia]. You will never find a boyfriend.
350 South Beverly Drive
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: ben rosman
11AM Coffee Break
Woman #1: So we went shopping this weekend and I found the perfect dress but the chest part was too small.
Woman #2: You would think with boob jobs being so popular that they would just make tops bigger.
Woman #1: Yeah, just like SUVs.
2800 28th Street
Santa Monica, California
3PM Out for Some Fresh Air
Courtyard dweller #1: I am not sure I should hire him.
Courtyard dweller #2: Why? He seems cool enough.
Courtyard dweller #1: I asked him what he was listening to on his iPod when he walked in.
Courtyard dweller #2: Yeah, and?
Courtyard dweller #1: He was listening to Celine Dion.
Courtyard dweller #2: Enough said.
10050 Wolfe Road
Cupertino, California
11AM Ergonomics Workshop
Co-worker #1: You starting your transformation into Bob Dole?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I already have a sore wrist.
1001 I Street
Sacramento, California
4PM Filing Frenzy
Police sergeant: Have you done those sexual child abuse talks at the school yet?
Civilian employee: Yes, and several of the children need to file a report.
Police sergeant: Great! Now we have more work. Whose idea was it to do those talks?
8620 California Avenue
South Gate, California
3PM Snack Time
Male employee: I was sitting at my desk and I was thinking "There's something missing." And I was like, "Oh yeah! Nuts in my mouth."
1111 Lockheed Martin Way
Sunnyvale, California
4PM Distribute Handbooks
Receptionist: Hey, did Kevin leave?
Co-worker: No, he's gone for the day.
16443 Minnesota Avenue
Paramount, California
Overheard by: Stella Bella
3PM Smoke Break
Worker: I like my shirt, but I’m afraid my boobs are going to fall out. Which would be fine somewhere else, but not here. That’s how I feel about all my clothes: "great for not here."
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
10AM Budgets Due
Supervisor: Are these numbers right?
Employee: Yeah, I double-checked.
Supervisor: The sales manager said that they were under budget!
Employee: Well, numbers don't lie. Salespeople do.
17777 Center Court Drive
Cerritos, California
3PM Coffee Break
Employee #1: Thanks for the coffee. You didn't pee in it or anything, right?
Employee #2: Oh my god, you are like my freaking wife!
101 15th Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Tech Meeting
Attendee #1: Can it be programmed so our office and cell phones ring simultaneously?
Attendee #2: What do you mean by simultaneously?
2901 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Rachel Marie
5PM That's a Wrap
Boss: Wow! This adhesive is really on there!
Worker: Yes, adhesive does that.
Boss: No, but it's really, really stuck on. It's just like...glue, yeah. Just like glue.
Worker: Adhesive is glue.
Boss: ...It is just like glue.
855 Capitolio Way
San Luis Obispo, California
4PM "Restructuring" Meeting
Manager: The organization just gets bloated. There are all these Vice Presidents, and each of them has 10 or 12 locations reporting to him. And they all need resources, so he puts his team together. Sometimes you just need an enema.
901 East Whitmore Avenue
Modesto, California
3PM Smoke Break
Real Estate Agent: So she totally knows this guy that's on The Real OC; he's a loan guy that she used to work with.
Loan Rep: What character does he play?
Real Estate Agent: He's a loan rep.
Loan Rep: I know, but what character does he play?
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
12PM Sensitivity Training
Boss: We need to account for shipping to the Stans. You know what the Stans are, right?...You know, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iranistan, Kakistan, Islamastan...
Employees: ...
10418 Donner Pass Road
Truckee, California
9AM Back to Work
Deliveryman: I'm looking for the seventeenth floor.
Receptionist: You're on the eighteenth floor.
Deliveryman: Where's the seventeenth floor?
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
12PM Staff Meeting (Cont'd)
Manager: Seriously, guys. We have to be careful...Anything like
that happens again, we'll be up a paddle without a handle.
606 Folsom Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve Benson
11AM Staff Meeting
Worker #1: Here's a copy of the memo.
Worker #2: What's it say?
Worker #1: Nothing. It's absolutely useless.
3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California
11AM Review Plans
Assistant: Well, do you still have that copy of the Specific Plan?
Project Manager: I don't know where it is.
Assistant: Wasn't it on your desk yesterday?
Project Manager: Yeah, but I think it's spread its legs.
Assistant: What?
Project Manager: You know, spread its legs. You know what I mean.
Assistant: Sprouted legs?
1580 Metro Drive
Costa Mesa, California
4PM Staff Meeting
Director: I don't think that will cut the mustard.
Manager: You mean "pass muster"?
Director: No, it's "cut the mustard!"
Manager: I think you're trying to say you cut the cheese.
8001 Irvine Center Drive
Irvine, Calif.
Overheard by: Pffft
3PM Smoke Break
Worker #1: But the nice thing is, this way, you can get up from your desk for a while.
Worker #2: Yeah...I could really use some blood in my ass.
1855 South Grant Street
San Mateo, California
2PM Tech Support
Boss: [Bryan], can you help me? I can't seem to find my HTML. It's just not there anymore.
15 Altarinda Road
Orinda, California
3PM Coffee Break
Payroll: Have you been outside today? It's getting really warm!
Employee: Yes, I magically teleported here this morning without ever stepping outside.
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: I heard the new branch manager is a propeller head.
Co-worker #2: What's a propeller head?
Co-worker #1: A computer geek.
Co-worker #2: Oh no...I heard he is very knowledgable in computers.
6600 Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Terri C
12PM Schedule Follow-ups
Director: I have you down for 8AM.
Analyst: I can't at that time. I have to drop off my son at day care.
Director: That's okay, I'll do you later.
4302 Town Center Boulevard
El Dorado Hills, California
10AM Update PR File
CTO: My interview article is in USA Today!
Programer: Can you send me the link? Never mind, I'll just Google "USA Today".
600 Newport Center Drive
Newport Beach, California
2PM Find My Hole Puncher--Again
Network Administrator: I'm like a successful pimp. I punch three hos at a time!
859 Cotting Court
Vacaville, California
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: Ew, I just walked through someone's fart cloud.
4575 Ruffner Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Olivia Gomez
5PM Looks Like I'm Staying Late
Boss: We had so many ideas outside of the box we needed a box to keep them in.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
5PM Finally, the Weekend
Secretary: [Helen]'s not here. She must be someplace else.
12555 Euclid Street
Garden Grove, California
12PM Fix Cabinet
Attorney: Is this the drawer that's broken?
Co-worker: Yes. I've already told you how to fix it. I mean, it's not as serious as cancer.
Attorney: Thank you for that assessment.
1999 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
10AM Autopsy
Boss: I was hoping you could take care of it without a bunch of rigor mortis.
1701 Monterey Street
San Luis Obispo, California
2PM Color Correction Session
Department Head: So, can we update your job description tomorrow morning?
Employee: No, I have a color correction session to attend.
Department Head: Well, I notice you don't take lunch. You're usually at your desk. What about then?
Employee: I do take lunch. I just eat at my desk and read a book or something.
Department Head: Well, how about doing something more productive with that time? Do you want to meet then?
Employee: No.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM Sitdown with Legal
Co-worker: This report is bullshit.
Boss: Did you just say "bullshit"? I thought you folks weren't allowed to swear?
Co-worker: I didn't swear.
Boss: Yeah you did, no big deal. I don't want your turban to unfurl.
1 Technology Drive
Milpitas, California
2PM Schedule Tech Course
Boss: Hey, my mouse arrow is reversed on the screen.
Worker: What...how?
Boss: If I go this way, it goes that way...Oh, never mind, I was holding it upside down.
10199 Riverford Road
Lakeside, California
4PM Call Ambulance
Boss: If you're going to get electrocuted, do it on your own time.
4610 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Hugo Delgado
12PM Staff Meeting
Employee #1: Can you print the report for the meeting?
Employee #2: Should I print a copy for everyone who will be there?
Employee #1: No, one should be fine; all 15 of them can crowd around and look at it together.
2240 North 1st Street
San Jose, California
1PM Lunch
Health Exec: You working late?
Tech Exec: Nah, downloading porn. You?
Health Exec: Oh, you know it. Nursing administration porn. Woo-hoo!
Tech Exec: Send some my way. I'll send you some telecommunications porn.
Health Exec: "Oh baby, show me your phone. Let me see your router." Good times.
595 Market Street
San Francisco, California
9AM Back to Work
Worker #1: I ordered the print from that guy. I'm his first international sale: he's in Canada.
Worker #2: Canada cracks me up.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: stephanie
10AM Sales Meeting
Sales Rep #1: I'm afraid we're going to lose a lot of customers this season.
Sales Rep #2: Huh. My biggest fear is ending up on Oprah's couch and having her say mean things to me.
21250 Hawthorne Boulevard
Torrance, California
4PM Review Mock-up Day Planners
Co-worker #1: Oh my gosh! They didn't give us a September 31 this year!
Co-worker #2: What?
Co-worker #1: I'm serious! Look! What is this? Some sort of reverse leap year thing?
Co-worker #2: Yes, that's exactly what this is. A reverse leap year.
Co-worker #1: Oh that's so sad, you know, for all the kids whose birthdays are on the 31st.
Co-worker #2: You're fucking brilliant.
2900 31st Street
Santa Monica, California
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker: My fiance and I are going to LA this weekend, and I'm trying to lose a pound or two before then so my friends don't think I'm pregnant.
1600 Amphitheatre Parkway
Mountain View, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.
8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Receptionist: How do you spell "Thursday"?
Co-worker: Look at your calendar, genius.
3110 Camino Del Rio South
San Diego, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I didn't know we were supposed to wear green today. I guess I didn't get that memo.
Manager: I didn't get that one either; just the one about the underwear.
6611 Preston Avenue
Livermore, California
10AM Arrange Car for Mr. Wonder
Publicist: It was amazing. Stevie could do everything. He could leave his apartment, go to the elevator, everything.
Proofer: Wow. He didn't even need a cane?
Publicist: Of course not; he's not that old.
1438 North Gower Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Manager: Does anyone else hear an ice cream truck?
Office: ...
Manager: I need a vacation so bad.
625 Second Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Designer: I know this stage like the back of my palm.
1438 North Gower Street
Los Angeles, California
11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)
Developer: So we need to get those trees down before the rafters come back.
Underling: "Rafters"?
Developer: R-a-f-t-e-r-s. You know, like a hawk? They're gonna nest in the trees if we don't cut 'em down first.
Underling: Right. Raptors.
855 Capitolio Way
San Luis Obispo, California
3PM Coffee Break
Copywriter: Were you looking for me?
Designer: Sorry?
Copywriter: Before, when I was in that meeting...it looked like you were looking for me.
Designer: Ah...Where I walked over, sighed, and declared "Tragedy"; I was actually looking for the coffee. The window to your meeting room just happened to be behind the machine. You guys have better coffee than our side.
12655 Beatrice Street
Los Angeles, California
2PM All Hands Call
Person: Hi, I'm here for my 1 o'clock meeting. I know I'm a little early...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, what?
Person: I'm here for my meeting at 1; I'm early. Sorry about that.
Receptionist: Um...Yeah, it's almost 3...So...
Person: Oh sorry, right, 3, must be in a different time zone.
9250 Beverly Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Call Client
Drone on phone: Give me a couple of minutes and I'll call you back in an hour.
4867 West Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to Work
President: This is our IT department. Those people write new programs all day long.
Customer: Oh, so this is the Nerd Center!
1047 17th Avenue
Santa Cruz, California
2PM Get New Temp
Manager on phone: She'll only be filing and sorting so as long as she doesn't come in drunk and screw up the files, I don't really care about the DUI.
2250 Alcazar Street
Los Angeles, California
2PM Warehouse Inventory Due
Warehouse Manager: Be sure to take all the plywood runners, and all the woodchucks you can find.
Driver: "Woodchucks"?
Warehouse Manager: Yeah, put them under the wheels to help with traction.
41049 Boyce Road
Fremont, California
4PM Call Client
Admin on phone: Hi [Jeff], I've sent you 4 emails and left you 3 messages. Today is my birthday. What I really want for my birthday, more than anything else, is for you to call me back and answer my questions. Thanks. Bye.
10550 N Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
12PM Update Website
Executive: Our new company motto is "Fuck it!" Can we put it on our website?
1777 North California Boulevard
Walnut Creek, California
11AM Call HR
New Hire: Is there a limit on the annual tuition reimbursement amount?
Admin: Tuition...That's for schools, right?
New Hire: Uh, yeah. Is there someone else I should talk to about this?
1301 Dove Street
Newport Beach, California
4PM Order Crystal Ball
Department Head: I need everyone to let me know a day ahead if they want to use the car and that means whether or not you'll be late because of traffic.
Worker: But how will we know we are stuck in traffic until we are actually stuck?
Department Head: That's why I need to know a day ahead of time whether you'll be late because of traffic.
626 Coronado Terrace
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: james Landry
1PM Lunch
Receptionist: I don't know whether to throw up my hands or just throw up.
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oldcorps50
10AM Go Over Resumes
Recruiter: So, what do you think of her qualifications?
Manager: Well, her experience looks great. I'm just not sure what a degree in English has to do with writing?
Naval Air Station North Island
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Teresa Minnich
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker #1: Wow, it smells really fruity in here...Fruity in a good way.
Co-worker #2: Of course.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
10AM Update Resume
Worker #1: I make less than everyone. People on unemployment make less than me.
Worker #2: Is that true?
Worker #1: No.
6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California
3PM Coffee Break
Team Member #1: That lady on the street was laughing at you.
Team Member #2: Why? I was trying to make you laugh, not her.
Team Member #1: Why? Because of what you did! No one does that here!
Team Member #2: I'm just trying to bring diversity to the office...
Team Member #1: By doing that?
Team Member #2: Could you just try to not make fun of me for one day?
Just try?
201 3rd Street
San Francisco, California
11AM Employee Orientation
Employee #1: Have you seen the new girl?
Employee #2: No, but Fat Matt in cube 3 was just asking for some ketchup, so you better hurry!
6666 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Here's the Weekend
Boss #1: Well, do you have a broomstick?
Boss #2: No, but I guess I could just use my fist.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
3PM Bathroom Break
Clerk #1: My bladder hurts.
Clerk #2: What for?
Clerk #1: I was holding it all morning, and then I finally went, and now it's been hurting.
Clerk #2: You probably shouldn't do that. Your bladder can explode, you know.
49275 Electron Drive
San Diego, California
10AM Interview Temps
Boss on phone: No, no, you gotta understand, I need some help down there...I'm not the pusher, I'm the receiver.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
9AM Back to Work
Worker: Can you please help with the thingy, you know, um, over there?
Manager: Well done, very descriptive.
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM Launch Meeting
Project Manager: So it sounds like the only thing holding us back from launching early is being ready.
Meeting: ...
1900 Prairie City Road
Folsom, California
Overheard by: Sumeet
4PM Finalize Itineraries
Grunt: Can I get those itineraries?
Agent: No, life's a bitch.
Grunt: Life's what you make of it, not what it makes of you.
3675 Ruffin Road
San Diego, California
11AM Install New Software
Tech: ...and if it gives you any problems, just call me. Any time, doesn't matter. I sleep with my cell phone.
Lawyer: I've slept with worse.
11377 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eve Z. Dropper
10AM Pay Renewal Fee
Accounting: You submitted a payment request for a renewal fee.
Peon: Yes.
Accounting: Can you find out how long the renewal term is for?
Peon: It says "annual renewal fee" on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, I saw that, but do you know when it's valid until?
Peon: It says valid from October 31, 2005 on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, but can you make sure? You never know it could be for like two years or something.
3700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: What are you drinking? Oh, my daughter loves that stuff.
Co-worker #2: This is a Red Bull. Isn't your daughter only five?
Co-worker #1: Yes. My husband always gives it to her.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
3PM Bathroom Break
Co-worker #1: I'm going to go wander the halls. I'm gonna take this reading material.
Co-worker #2: Oh, those halls. Well, deck the halls.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Julia Goolia
1PM Lunch
Worker: [The boss] treats me like I'm his little daughter or something. That's a lot of pressure. I can't be perfect all of the time.
180 East Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
5PM Out of Here
Manager: You hear her? Usually, she says, "I'm coming", and I say "So is Christmas." But now I guess I could say, "So is", uh, "the Fourth of July."
11400 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
12PM Meeting with HR
Co-worker #1: I have to crawl under this desk so much my knees hurt.
Co-worker #2: Oh, so that's why you got promoted.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
4PM Complete Project
Worker #1: Wow, that was a tough job.
Worker #2: Yeah, they should give us something.
Worker #1: Like a basket?
Worker #2: Yeah, a basket of rifles!
2455 Faber Place
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: for meltnbean
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Oh, you look nice. Are you going somewhere?
Co-worker #2: No, I just never went home last night.
2105 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, California
12PM Meeting with Devs (Con'td)
Web Developer: Nobody ever made money off the internet with a business model that required two hands!
845 High Street
Palo Alto, California
11AM Check in with Devs
Co-worker #1: So do you think the developers can hit this target?
Co-worker #2: I mean the bar is so low how can they not?
Co-worker #1: Yeah, I suppose even people in the Special Olympics can make it over this one.
10866 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Crisis Management Meeting
Boss: You'll be happy to know that we asked accounting to open up a billing code for "unstrategic planning."
5340 Alla Road
Los Angeles, California
9AM Here They Go
Co-worker: Here comes trouble.
Boss: Get back in your box and shut the lid.
Co-worker: I *am* in my box. I was just sitting here and you came in my box!
10398 Pacific Center Court
San Diego, California
11AM Project Assignments
HR #1: Why would anyone agree to take on more responsibility if we're not going to pay them more?
HR #2: We're giving them more projects to work on that will be more advanced than what they're working on right now. I think people look for a challenge and they will be willing to take on more responsibility if it promises to be rewarding. Besides, most of them are in their twenties and need to start somewhere. So you see, we really are paying them more...in experience.
HR #1: Who is ever going to fall for that?
150 Garden Street
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Snoop E.
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker: If I didn't have so much to do, I would get a lot more done.
3675 Ruffin Road
San Diego, California
1PM Lunch
Engineer: Excuse me, those Splenda packets are for our department only. You're going to have to pay me for the two that you stole.
2525 West 190th Street
Torrance, California
12PM Final Party Prep
Boss on phone: All the invitations said black tie, so I bought a white shirt and a black tie and wore that.
8800 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Cpt. Rombone
10AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: If the item you need to return doesn't fit back in the box, maybe you could snip off the edges to make it fit. Either way it will all get back to our warehouse.
225 Bush Street
San Francisco, California
9AM How Fast Can a Day be Ruined?
Co-worker #1: Where is my breakfast burrito?
Co-worker #2: Sorry bud, I totally forgot to order you one.
Co-worker #1: Next time I shoot my .357 magnum at the range...I'm going to draw your face on the target.
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
12PM Fire Drill
Assistant Building Emergency Coordinator: Why don't we have the security officers make the evacuation announcements? They are located next to the building PA system.
Manager: I am not sure they are qualified and capable of using the microphone to make announcements.
600 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
4PM Clean Up Hard Drive
Copy Editor: Hi, [Marco]. You just missed the porn.
Art Director: What?
Copy Editor: I'm serious. There was porn but I just deleted it. Spam. Usually they take out the pictures...
Art Director: Why didn't I get the porn?
6100 Center Drive
Los Angeles, California
11AM Invent Colorizing Copier
Office Tech: I don't understand why this isn't coming out in color. I'm using the color copier.
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
5PM I'm Rushing Home
Co-worker: Can you help me out here? I've got kind of a rush going on.
Underling: Sure, what can I help you with?
Co-Worker: Oh, wait. Hold on. I don't mean "rush" like I'm doing a line of cocaine. I mean rush like I'm busy.
901 Mission Street
San Francisco, California
5PM Here's the Weekend!
Co-worker #1: User Name is your username, and Password is your password.
Co-worker #2: That sounds easy enough.
Co-worker #1: .And if you forget, I have it on a yellow stickie.
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
4PM QA
Co-worker: How about the software configuration?
Analyst: Your questions are very annoying!
Co-worker: I'm guessing you shouldn't tell clients they are annoying.
8315 Century Park Court
San Diego, California
9AM TGIF
Supervisor: Let me tell you. boy, we're going to play Marine Corps baseball here. You play ball with me or I'll shove the bat up your ass!
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Oldcorps 50
10AM Work on Prints
Engineer: How much longer will you be using those prints?
Safety Manager: Five minutes.
Engineer: What if I borrow them for three minutes and then give them back to you?
Safety Manager: I'd say yes, but you won't give them back in three minutes. So, no, you can't borrow them.
Engineer: You're so much like your dad, it's not even funny.
186 Gilman Avenue
Campbell, California
Overheard by: Shannon
5PM That's a Wrap
CSR: Today needs to be over. I'm so seriously ready to slit my wrists--
The phone rings.
CSR: Good afternoon. This is [Nelly], how can I help you? Oh...hi! How are you doing?...Oh, I'm great! Mm-hmm, yes, of course! I just have to pull up your previous order...Oh, really? Oh! Well, that's okay!...No, really!...Oh, stop it! Ha, ha! Okay, well thanks for calling anyway! Yes...Thank you, I will! You also, okay? M'kay, bye!...Jesus. Okay, so, what the fuck was I saying again?
950 Tower Lane
Foster City, California
5PM Luckily We Do...for Four Days!
Customer: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Vietnam?
Employee: Um...no?
2063 Camden Avenue
San Jose, California
5PM That's a Wrap
Associate #1: Well, you look nice today.
Associate #2: Stop being mean to me!
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJ Feuerman
1PM Lunch
Employee #1: What are you doing? Catching up on your celebrity gossip?
Employee #2: Scientology today, actually.
Employee #1: I'll join if you join!
Employee #3: Already a member.
Middle Manager: All of you shut up. Trying to have a silent birth over here.
3810 Wabash Drive
Mira Loma, California
Overheard by: Office Derelict
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
11AM Board Meeting
Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain from the corporation.
Board member: So if my son works here, then I'm not an Interested Party.
Attorney: Your son is your descendant.
Board member: Are you sure?
1524 North Santa Fe Avenue
Vista, California
10AM Strategy Session
Project Engineer: We have relatively clear instructions, kind of.
4170 Santa Fe Road
San Luis Obispo, California
3PM At the Water Cooler
Peon #1: Those Jordanians are really teed off.
Peon #2: Is that even a word?
9115 Harris Corners Parkway
Charlotte, North Carolina
Boss: Did you hear about the terrorist attacks in Jordan?
Secretary: Um, yes; a suicide bomber killed hundreds of people at a wedding.
Boss: You see, you shouldn't attend so many weddings. The odds are against you.
10550 North Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
11AM Reboot Registers
Chief of Plant Operations: We need to disconnect and then reconnect the cash registers from the parking booths. This is high priority.
IT: Huh? Why not just leave it connected?
700 State Drive
Los Angeles, California
4PM Look Busy!
Underling #1: Man, this sucks, you can always tell when someone's about to get let go.
Underling #2: Yeah?
Underling #1: Well yeah. [The boss] is still here.
Underling #2: How does that--
Underling #1: It's 3:30pm!...Hello? It's Friday!
5790 Fleet Street
Carlsbad, California
Overheard by: Milton Waddams
9AM What a Cheerful Morning
Co-worker #1: Hey! Welcome back. I can't believe you have mono!
Co-worker #2: Yeah, [Tamra] wants to make out with you so she can lose 50 pounds.
1700 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephani
4PM I'm Objectively Done for the Week
Art Director: It's hard to be objective when you only see the universe from your point of view.
250 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
2PM Call About Rewiring
Suit: Um, you have some sort of foreign object in your hair.
Electrician: Yeah, they threw confetti at me at the last office.
111 West Ocean Boulevard
Long Beach, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Is cheesecake a cake or a pie?
Co-worker #2: Hmm...good question. I think it's pie, 'cause it's got a crust.
5900 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Afshin
10AM Catch Up!
Office worker #1: My goodness, I have so much work that even if I stayed at work 24 hours it still wouldn't even put a dent in my workload.
Office worker #2: Wow, you have that much work?
Office worker #1: No...it's just that I'm always too busy farting around to get any work done.
475 Anton Boulevard
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: Remy Rawrs
3PM Coffee Break
Office worker #1: Coffee, coffee, coffee...I love coffee...Here goes down...down in to my belly. Coffee is the greatest drug ever.
Office worker #2: Seriously, especially since you don't get fat because it doesn't give you the munchies...I need to drink more coffee.
Office worker #1: Yeah, you do.
9785 Towne Centre Drive
San Diego, California
10AM Conference Call
Manager #1: So, do you have a hurricane there?
Manager #2: There is no hurricane in Atlanta at this time. It's way over near the Yucatan.
Manager #1: Oh. So will you get any of it?
Manager #2: It's like a thousand miles away. It's a little too soon to tell how much it will affect us at this point.
Manager #3: I heard that Wilma is the last name they have on the list.
Manager #1: Ha, ha! What will they do if another one comes? Start over?
Manager #2: They will use Greek letters.
Manager #1: Ha, ha, ha!
Manager #2: That wasn't a joke.
Manager #1: Oh. Ha, ha! So, the next one will be like Hurricane
"XVII" and then Hurricane "XVIII"? Ha, ha!
Manager #2: No. Those are Roman numerals.
5601 N. Lindero Canyon Road
Westlake Village, California
9AM Just One More Day
Co-worker: I slept like a crack baby last night.
1 California Street
San Francisco, Califrornia
10AM Call 911--Twice
Worker: Dammit! I got a paper cut! Agh!
Boss: Better than getting stabbed with a knife, stapled in the eye, or run over by the UPS truck.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
11AM Interview
Corporate peon #1: I was nervous during the interview. More than normal for some reason. He asked too many damn questions.
Corporate peon #2: Hard questions?
Corporate peon #1: Not hard. Just required detailed answers. I don't like the "what do you bring to the table" question.
Corporate peon #2: "I bring diligence and a positive attitude, I'm proactive and can get the job done on my own or with a group."
Corporate peon #1: I bring sexiness.
11601 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM "Meeting"
Office worker: Is this the meeting or the meeting about the meeting?
8687 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, California
10AM Order New Supplies
Co-worker #1: Shoot. When I ordered these online, I thought they were full-sized legal pads!
Co-worker #2: Wow, those are definitely small. They're barely legal!
525 B Street
San Diego, California
3PM Take Bill for a Walk
Co-worker #1: Oh my god, he's peeing under my desk.
Co-worker #2: Oh! Sorry.
Co-worker #1: Where's the tissue? Paper towels or something? He's leaking, take him outside. I'm serious.
Co-worker #2: Don't freak out!
Co-worker #1: I'm not mad, I'm just grossed out.
12345 World Trade Drive
San Diego, California
2PM Pick Up Package
Co-worker: Let me grab that package later since, right now, I'm double-fisting.
11400 W. Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
12PM Dry Out Printer
Co-worker #1: How do I make this print faster?
Co-worker #2: Put water on it.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Selaf Nek
9AM Back to Inanity
Employee: Hey, it's The Bobster! I was just out--
Bob: Seriously, why did you just add "the" and "ster" to my name?
27450 Ynez Road
Temecula, California
Overheard by: Jake Glazier
3PM Coffee Break
Teacher: There are a lot of hipsters there, but they're older.
Teaching coordinator: Oh, let's be honest. Those aren't hipsters.
They're hobos.
Royce Hall
University of California, Los Angeles
Los Angeles, CA
12PM Follow Up with National (?)
Employee #1: I've talked to National and one group says we should be doing this procedure but another group doesn't want us to do this procedure.
Employee #2: Hmm. You should follow up with National, then.
Employee #3: That's what [Employee #1] has been talking about, her follow-up with National.
Employee #2: Oh. When was the last time you talked to them?
Employee #1: About two or three weeks ago.
Employee #2: Yeah, that's too soon.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
12PM Prep for Meeting
Boss: So do you think I should get 3 pies for the meeting since we have 30 people?
Worker Bee #1: Sure, 3 pies should be enough.
Worker Bee #2: I think you need more than 3.
Worker Bee #1: How many do you think we should get?
Worker Bee #2: We need 3.14159 pi.
Boss: Get out of my office. Now.
1010 Second Avenue
San Diego, California
1PM Lunch Break
Assistant: How's your day going?
Office worker: I wish I was dead.
Assistant: Good to hear.
3990 Old Town Avenue
San Diego, California
4PM Pick Up New Laptop
Manager: I'm going to be turning in my old laptop for a new one. I want to get another IBM, one of the ultralight ones.
Techie: We're not leasing IBMs anymore. We're currently leasing HPs and Dells.
Manager: I don't like the HPs and I really want an IBM. How can I get one?
Techie: Well...you would need to provide us with a medical reason and a doctor's note.
10 Almaden Boulevard
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Stealth Nerf
10AM Hire New Temp
Attorney: Jesus, why do they keep hiring from the Gnome and Troll Temp Agency?
550 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
9AM They're At It Already
Manager #1: [Eric]? I hate [Eric].
Manager #2: You hate [Eric]? But he's such a nice guy.
Manager #1: Yeah, but he always takes too long to tell you a fucking lie.
50 W. San Fernando Street
San Jose, California
12PM Ship Packages
Sales Rep: Could you get me a UPS freight rate to send this to Annapolis, Maryland?
Secretary: ...That'll cost $35.
Sales Rep: That's not bad.
Secretary: I thought it would be more. Isn't Maryland, like, in another country?
Sales Rep: You're fucking kidding, right?
Secretary: No, Maryland is another country, isn't it?
Sales Rep: Unbelievable.
3525 Mitchell Road
Ceres, California
3PM "Urgent" HR Meeting
Guy #1: I heard she is a squatter.
Guy #2: Really, she has no place to live?
Guy #1: No, she squats above the toilet seat and goes to the bathroom. It gets everywhere so HR is going to talk to her.
Guy #2: Can you imagine what the bathroom in her house must look like?
9740 Irvine Boulevard
Irvine, California
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: We're going to a vegetarian place for lunch.
Co-worker #2: Do you think they'll have fish there?
3415 S. Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Coffee Break
Employee: You know, I like working at a place where you can say
areola and not get in trouble.
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
1PM Lunch
Man on street: Seriously, if I make one wrong keystroke, the whole company could go out of business.
corner of 2nd & Howard
San Francisco, California
12PM Call Tech Support
Tech Support Technician: Okay...go ahead and open up the internet.
777 S. Figueroa Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM Development Meeting
Developer: We need to determine the different between how the HTML team views 10 pixels as opposed to how web experience is viewing 10 pixels.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
2PM Order Lab Supplies
Boss: Where are the nipples?
Lab employee: Nipples?
Boss: Yah, the nipples. You know, squeezie squeezie?
Lab employee: Do you mean pipette bulbs?
Boss: Whatever.
6275 Nancy Ridge Drive
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Meghan Lake
12PM Meeting
Program Director: I'll have to re-look that back up.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Office Cog
11AM Mail Merge
Boss: So then you and Josh will need to mate together the two documents that you're sending to customers, and include a note explaining why.
Co-worker: Sounds good. Starting in October, [Nathan] and I will send letters to inform all of our customers about our mating.
9630 S. Norwalk Boulevard
Santa Fe Springs, California
Overheard by: Josh
2PM Look into Focus
Co-worker #1: She isn't listening to you.
Co-worker #2: I know, she never does. She's like a robot fueled by diet Coke.
Android: It's called focus. Look into it.
87 McLea Court
San Francisco, California
4PM Get Ready to Go Home
Executive: You know it's been a productive day when you smell as bad as I do right now.
6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to the Madness
Supervisor: Don't worry, [the new procedure] is not that confusing.
Employee: I'm not confused, I always look like this.
202 C Street
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Emery Ann Harris
9AM Another Week Begins
Engineer: Don't kill anyone.
Tech Writer: Can I maim them?
Engineer: Yeah. If you maim them you seem like more of a team player.
1550 Buckeye Drive
Milpitas, California
12PM They're Finally Gonna Cork That Pesky Volcano
Co-worker: Would you like a donut?
Enormous woman: No, thank you.
Co-worker: Why not? Are you on a diet or something?
Enormous woman: Actually, yes, I am on a diet. I am going on vacation to Hawaii at the end of the month and I have only six more pounds to lose until I reach my goal! I want to take a helicopter ride over Kilauea, but the helicopter company charges $100 more if you weigh more than 200 pounds. Hope they don't weigh me on the spot since I am not sure I will be less than 200 pounds unless it's in the morning, after I've had a pee, and I'm nude...Does anyone have any topics they'd like to add to the agenda for today?
Manager: Um...yeah, I do, but give me a minute.
560 McCarthy Boulevard
Milpitas, California
Overheard by: CW Slave
4PM It's a Mousepad Waiting to Happen
Co-worker: Ideally everything would be perfect.
9630 S. Norwalk Boulevard
Santa Fe Springs, California
Overheard by: Josh Bartel
1PM I Hear They Chain Them to Their Workstations
Co-worker #1: Where's our IT department out of?
Co-worker #2: Woodland Hills, the valley, by LA. Porn capital of the world. They work for us by day, and then by night...
Co-worker #1: Maybe that's why they're so cranky all the time. They don't get any sleep at night.
50 Beale Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Lewis Samuels
5PM The Conversation is Exactly What It Sounds Like
Customer #1: Thanks for your generosity! I know we forced ourselves onto you.
Customer #2: Yes, it's just that it was so cute, so little, we couldn't resist!
Bossman: Well, it will be here whenever you want it.
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
5PM On That Arrogant Note, Have a Great 2-Day Hiatus
Boss: You can't send this email out.
Peon: Why not?
Boss: It doesn't make any sense. What's this word here?
Peon: Hiatus.
Boss: That's not even a word.
Peon: It means to take an extended break from work.
Boss: Look, if I don't understand that, how do you expect anyone else to?
111 Pine Street
San Francisco, California
1PM She's Going to Get Promoted...to Office Wetnurse
Manager: Did you have a good breastfeeding day?
163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
9AM Don't Worry, Those Pills Are Pretty Reliable
Girl: I'm going to drop by the ladies' room.
Man: I hope everything comes out all right.
11400 W. Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: lonecomic
10AM They Must Work at Another Law Firm
Boss: The funniest thing just happened. I've had a banana in my bag for like a month. When I opened my bag a whole bunch of gnats flew out!
Underling: Is that why there are flys all over our windowless office?
Boss: No.
10201 W. Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Honesty: The Best Way to Qualify for Unemployment
Bossman: Were you able to answer all of her questions?
Worker: No.
Bossman: Why?
Worker: Because I didn't know what to tell her!
9500 Owensmouth Avenue
Chatsworth, California
12PM That's Right; He Apparently Knows How to Read
Client: You need to fix this design; the text is way too big.
Web designer: What is the text size in your browser set to?
Client: It's on large so I can read it better.
1335 Columbus Avenue
San Francisco, California
4PM Good Luck Filling That Void
Male co-worker: You might want to take a few lessons on domestication...Life is unfair, and you're still a woman.
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oink
1PM They're Hiring Santas Already?
HR gal: ...we're looking to see if he killed anybody, that's all. If he killed anybody, the deal's off.
5900 Wilshire Blvd
Los Angeles, California
7PM "Big Fat Kim" Doesn't Have the Same Ring
Managing Director: Hey, there's something wrong in my sister's account. Her street name is spelled wrong.
Assistant: Is she a rapper?
1999 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: oink
4PM My Mental Celebration: Coke Orgy. You?
President: I know that the budget cuts have hit everyone very hard, but we want you to know that we appreciate everyone's hard work and efforts and we think that you should all take the time to celebrate...er...in your own minds.
3081 Zanker Road
San Jose, California
7AM Both Were Clubbed and Dragged to the Cave Minutes Later
Girl #1: They missed their deliverables again. Can you believe that shit?
Girl #2: No, I can't believe it. I am so frustrated for you. What is the excuse? "Our neanderthal foreheads make it difficult to see the screen?"
275 Battery Street
San Francisco, California
4PM Why You Should Never Engage Management
Cube dweller: Wow, look what I learned today!
Senior VP: What?
Cube dweller: I made a pulldown list in Excel!
Senior VP: So you have a lot of free time?...If you have free time, you need to see me right away. I told you I have projects for you.
101 California Street
San Francisco, California
1PM You Had to Axe?
Supervisor: I smelled bad today so I sprayed myself with a lot of deodorant.
Co-worker: You know what we call doing that back home?
Supervisor: Normal?
3350 Pine Avenue
Long Beach, California
7PM Maybe It's Not Bob You Should Be Roasting...
Co-worker #1: We're having an office roast for Bob on Friday, since it's his last day.
Co-worker #2: What do I need to bring?
Co-worker #1: You know, jokes, stories about him, like that.
Co-worker #2: That's it? Who's going to cook the roast?
2155 S. Bascom Avenue
Campbell, California
7PM Where There's Smoke, There's a Tech Support Call
CSR: They're sending out an engineer to ascertain whether the unit is actually on fire.
730 Paseo Camarillo
Camarillo, California
Overheard by: Dave Brown
1PM Only If You're A Cosby
Tester: Maybe LA can also help test sound for me.
Co-worker: ...and update my test suites...and knit me sweaters.
Tester: Now that's not exactly company related.
Co-worker: Sweaters are great company.
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
8PM A Sharpie for the None Too Sharp
Suit: Do you have what I call a "sharpie"?
Secretary: ...what you call a sharpie?
Suit: Yes.
Secretary: ...you and no one else?
Suit: It's like a, a felt-tipped pen.
Secretary: Oh, I know what it is.
Suit: Well, most people don't know what it's called.
Secretary: You're kidding, right? It says it right on the pen.
Suit: Well, do you have one?
Secretary: Yes. Yes, I do. I keep it here in what I call my "drawer".
795 Spring Street
San Francisco, California
12AM Earth: Nice Place to Visit
Boss: Well, what can I say? I love my home planet.
1480 64th Street
Emeryville, California
Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper
6PM Likewise, You're Not an Alcoholic Unless You Quit
Project manager: I mean, it's really not even a bender unless it's affecting your performance at work, now is it?
1620 Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
6AM It Borders on East Virginia
Manager lady: She lives in New Mexico. New Mexico?! Where is that? Do they speak Spanish there? Is there an old Mexico?
186 Suburbia Court
Santa Cruz, California
12AM Despite This Site, Sometimes the CEO is the Voice of Reason
CEO: My only regret was that I couldn't fire her [VP Marketing] twice.
50 Fremont Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Vin Dicated
12PM If You Can't Produce, At Least Be An LA Cliche
Producer guy #1: She's just awful.
Producer guy #2: And it's not like she's smokin' hot!
Producer guy #1: Yeah, if you can't act at least be smoking hot.
10201 West Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM I Don't See What Epimetheus Has to Do With Anything
Hair salon receptionist: My last boyfriend cheated on me.
Nail girl: Oh, that's terrible. I had one boyfriend cheat on me in the past, too.
Hair salon receptionist: Well, you know what they say, "Hindsight is 24/7."
3202 E. Los Angeles Avenue
Simi Valley, California
Overheard by: Bruce Bristol
6AM She's Got a Point
Vice President: All that matters is I'm rich with a big dick.
64 Bluxome Street
San Francisco, California
12PM We Love Overheard Office Gossip
Head of HR: I bet you he's [the COO] a total virgin. Probably even a hand virgin.
402 Pacific Avenue
San Francisco, California
12PM We Outsource Jobs to Them, They Outsource Infanticide to Us
Employee #1: My brother-in-law just found out that he's having a boy. It's their third kid.
Employee #2: Wow, three? I'm only planning on having two.
Employee #1: What's wrong with three kids?
Employee #2: Nothing's wrong with it, but I believe in zero population growth.
Employee #3: That's not for normal people, that's for families in like China and India...admit it, you're probably going to kill your girl babies too.
130 Cremona Drive
Santa Barbara, California
4PM It Took the Doctors 30 Minutes to Remove the Staple Remover
Project manager: From now on, when we staple, we do it in the top quarter inch of the page.
San Francisco International Airport
San Francisco, California
12AM Welcome to the '90s
Employee #1: I always thought it was pronounced "fass-mile". What is it?
Employee #2: Facsimile. It's a fax.
Employee #1: Oh, I've never heard it called that before.
50 Oak Court
Danville, California
12AM There's a Worm Pun in Here Somewhere
Employee: I mean really, should he be sending tequila to brokers?
4100 Newport Place
Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Damon J Barron
12PM It's Snobby in California
Product Manager #1: It's Spring Break.
Product Manager #2: How come we don't get Spring Break?
Intern #1: Because you're no longer young.
Intern #2: Or pretty.
777 4th Street
Los Angeles, California
8AM ...He gave His only Son, Mr. Peanut... (Retardicus 7:12)
Operations Manager: You don't like peanut butter? You've just blasphemed in my office!
10 Universal City Plaza
Universal City, California
Overheard by: Timbleweed
8AM "Somewhere by the ocean, I think."
Girl: This whole thing is such a tragedy.
Guy: I know, I actually have some old friends there that survived, luckily.
Girl: Where is Tsunami, anyways?
21 Spectrum Pointe
Lake Forest, California
Overheard by: Brandon Walter
12AM "Oh, and we're dropping quality, too."
VP Engineering: Printing has been dropped as a feature, but at least we're not sacrificing quality to meet the schedule.
2279 Vista Del Mar
San Mateo, California
10PM Then How About a Calzone?
Woman on phone: It's like asking a rocket scientist to make a pizza--I just can't do it!
707 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Ilya
11AM "Oh, so she is that qualified!"
Office Manager: You hired her, but you haven't interviewed anyone else. Is she that qualified?
Suit: Actually no, she doesn't have any experience working as an engineer.
Office Manager: Then why not interview some other people and see if you find someone better?
Suit: Because I don't feel like interviewing. Besides, she has a really nice rack so I will at least have something good to look at.
1042 Hamilton Ct.
Menlo Park, California
