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5PM Like All the Terrorists Have Agreed to Do
Older gentleman at counter: So, if my application is approved for the remote entry program, I can enter the U.S. after hours?
Customs officer: Yes, sir.
Older gentleman: But what's with this border passport requirement?
Customs officer, uncomfortable: The remote entry pass is for when the port is closed, sir. You will still need a passport to enter when we are open.
Customs office, Northern Border
2PM I Myself Am a Pepperoni-American
Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot... It's more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.
1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter
2PM My Way of Getting to Third Base
Coworker #1: Snogging is heavily kissing... Not getting to third base.
Coworker #2: Oh. I thought snogging was a kind of drink.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Annabelle
1PM She Just Can't Drive for the Hoop Now That She's Pregnant
Sensitive soul: She's gotten heavier, so now I can beat her.
Central Street
Evanston, Illinois
2PM And All of My Hose Jokes Were Already Exhausted
Older lady on phone: I don't have any gorillas today! (Pause) No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to be funny.
Hose parts corporate office
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Hiding in my cube
12PM For Some Reason, I Picture Debra Winger in This Role
Coworker: I'm lucky I wasn't raised by my mother. I'd have turned out a total slut. She'd wear high heels to her job at the sawmill.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Innocent Bystander
4PM By Then It's Too Late
Lady peon: What do you call those cows that you eat?
114 New Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: russ
3PM Almost Everyone's, I Think
Waiter: Is it your birthday today?
Customer: No.
Waiter: Oh, sorry. It's just that there are a lot of birthdays this year.
Minot, North Dakota
Overheard by: Taggart Snyder
2PM So How Old Are You, Loser-Boy?
Drone #1: Hey, where were you Saturday night? The ladies were all up on this.
Drone #2: I went to a birthday party.
Drone #1: Hehehehe... What a dumb waste of time. Whose birthday party was it?
Drone #2: Mine.
Drone #1: Oh... Happy birthday.
377 South Oyster Bay Road
Plainview, New York
Overheard by: tonyg
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
11AM And He Said, "I'd Prefer Reparations"
White HR director: I've never touched someone's head like that before! I touched it, and it was all wavy. I told him, you're the first African-American person's head I've ever touched. You should feel honored.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Just an office girl...
10AM Isn't Everyone's?
Photographer: Are you saying my cock is funny?
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
9AM And He's Not a Cop!
Name-dropper: I know a guy who's been on Cops twice!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Quizno
4PM You'd Think We'd Have Made Peace with Ourselves by Now
Cube rat #1: Damn, you had braces for seven years and your teeth are still that fucked up?
Cube rat #2: Yeah? You've been on a diet for two years and your ass is still that fat?
Trenton, New Jersey
3PM But I Speak a Smattering of Moron
Coworker on phone: No, sir, I am not an idiot.
Chicago, Illinois
2PM ... In a Hypothetical World Where I Play D&D
Coworker #1: We should start a D&D game.
Coworker #2: Yeah. Let's ask Ben* if he wants to play, too!
Coworker #1, yelling to Ben: Hey, want to play D&D later?
Ben, yelling back: No! I don't play D&D!
Coworker #2: We thought you'd be a good Druid.
Ben, yelling back: Fuck that, I'm a thief acrobat!
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Will
12PM You Always Take a Weird Exit off the Conversation Highway
Bible-thumping coworker: It's my son's 35th birthday today. I can't believe my oldest is going to be 35.
Normal coworker: Oh? How many children do you have?
Bible-thumping coworker: Let's see... I have three biological and one spiritual. But we're much more than spiritual, really. It's like we have this connection.
Normal coworker, to herself: Riiiiight.
100 Main Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
11AM Time for a Conversation with Jessica Simpson
Hardhat: Don't eat the tuna salad in the cafeteria. It made me throw up.
Suit: Food poisoning takes a while. How long did it take to make you sick?
Hardhat: About 5 seconds. All I can figure is, someone must've put fish in it - I'm allergic to fish.
7th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota
10AM The Real Battle Is between Flesh and Synthetic Fibers
Coworker #1: So how did your tennis match go last night?
Brad*: Um, I'd rather not talk about it.
Coworker #2: Nobody wins when Brad wears tennis shorts.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
9AM Internet, Eh?
Client: Who owns the Internet?
Sales guy: Nobody.
Client: Well, somebody's making money!
Web design firm
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Go to Easy Street and Make a U-Turn
Drone #1: I hate moving. My stuff's everywhere. I'm living in squalor!
Drone #2: I don't know where that is.
Glen Lake Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: sladeripfire
2PM I Refuse to Look and I Refuse to Say
Female coworker to male coworker: Do these pants make me look like I have a penis?
Lisbon Street
Lewiston, Maine
12PM Next Time, Aim Lower Than a Police Car
Woman on phone: What do you mean, you never thought you would get caught in a stolen car?!
Columbia Business Park
Columbia, South Carolina
11AM There Was Also Some Mention of the Spitting
Former secretary: They fired me! Can you believe that? They fired me because they said I had a shitty fuckin' attitude!
Student government office
New York, New York
Overheard by: Still laughing
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
9AM Go Go Gadget Fake-Smile!
Employee, loudly and angrily into walkie: I am implementing customer service now!
620 6th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
4PM Somebody's Gotta Do It If We're Gonna Eat 'Em
Tester #1: Don't mess with me like that. I'm cracked out on Vitamin C.
Tester #2: You know, too much Vitamin C makes you itch. Itch like crazy. Itchy scratchy.
Tester #1: Who told you that?
Tester #2: My grandma.
Tester #1: Didn't your grandma kill chickens?
Tester #2: That's beside the point.
1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia
3PM "Real" Means Different Things to Different People
Trekkie coworker: Dude, at the convention they had light sabers for sale for two hundred dollars.
Bored coworker: So?
Trekkie coworker: They were just plastic, they weren't even real!
County Road 427
Auburn, Indiana
Overheard by: Doesn't have a real light saber either
2PM ...Which, Thanks to Lawrence V. Texas, I Can Finally Come Out and Say
Female engineer: I need to hear some boy bands.
Male coworker: Like 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Backdoor Boys.
Female engineer: I love back-door boys.
Airport Rd
Mansfield Texas
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Chinese Hamster Gynecologists?
Minion: Do you seriously want to go off on a Chinese hamster ovary tangent? I mean, who gives a crap?
1959 NE Pacific Street
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: snickerpants
10AM Went Right Through a Stop Sign
Clerk #1: Sorry, I'm a little dyslexic.
Clerk #2: My dog died of dyslexia!
1901 Avenue of the Stars
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Office Droid
9AM MacGyver: After Hours
Supervisor: Well, if that's the case, all I need is a panda, a gun, and a bottle of wine.
Naperville, Illinois
4PM Can We Rinse Our Minds before Continuing This?
Elevator girl: I rode in the weenie mobile last night!
Elevator guy: Is that a euphemism?
Elevator girl: No! He really came! Oh...
Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
3PM I Think You'll Like the Results
Boss : What is that red thing on top of a rooster's head called? I can't find a description anywhere on the Internet.
Employee: Just Google 'cock' and 'diagram.'
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Sailorette
2PM It Bubbled a Little and Then Burned
Business architect: I felt the difference once it was in my mouth!
120 Fairview Park
Virginia
1PM Or Sticking It Up Your Nose
Sales guy: Oh, crap! I left the cap off my Sharpie last night! [Tries it on paper] Oh, no! What can I do?!
Cube rat #1: Well, you could try running a little water over the tip. Or, um, you could just throw it away and get a new one.
Sales guy: Put some water on it? Would that work?
Cube rat #2: Is it a Sharpie or a marker?
Cube rat #3: If putting water on it doesn't work, try licking it.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM I Was Like, "Cut the Cord Already, Chewbacca"
Girl #1: So I was about to put my tongue in...
Girl #2: Ew, was it hairy?
Girl #1: Yeah, but his mom called, so I didn't have to.
College office
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: uh...
10AM But He's Buying All the Missiles We Sell, So Who Cares?
Sales guy: He was from another country. A made-up country, though.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
