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5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More
Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Mhlanguli
3PM Yes, I Know They All Smell Bad
Curator on cell: So, have you found the dead artist yet?
Art gallery
London
England
5PM He Hit the "Escape" Key and Exploded
Programmer: Does anyone want a free, almost clean keyboard?
Tech support peon: Not until you tell us what you just 'almost cleaned' off of it.
Programmer: Jeff*.
Tech support peon: Uhhh, no thanks.
Islington, London
England
9AM And Whistle While I Work
Worker #1: She is too hot.
Worker #2: Do you want to touch her where she wees?
Worker #3: I want to touch her while she wees.
Norwich
England
9AM Of Course, the Functional Invisibility Is Good for Robbing Banks
Woman #1: I hate these bloody name tags!
Woman #2: I know! The straps are so long! Everyone keeps peering down at your belly before looking up at your face!
Woman #1: I prefer the name tags you can clip on your lapel...
Woman #2: Yes, at my age I'd actually rather men stared at my tits and not at my stomach.
Old woman exiting stall: Honey, at my age you're chuffed if they look anywhere at all!
Conference, St. Andrews Place
London
England
2PM He'd Better Bring His "A" Game or a Friend
Film crew girl #1: So, it was really awful, then?
Film crew girl #2: Oh my god, it was worse. He gave me the worst sex ever. I mean, the least you can do when you've made me pay for dinner and the cinema and drinks and stayed at my house all weekend is give me a right good seeing to.
Film crew girl #1: Seeing him again?
Film crew girl #2: Tomorrow night.
Brick Lane
London
England
Overheard by: Nics
12PM In Fact, You Have to Be
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent at your work.
Cube dweller: Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
Liverpool
England
11AM She's Like Nicole Richie in That Respect
Female TA: When I went upstairs I saw this cake being thrown across the room.
Male TA: A cake?
Female TA: Yeah, Sue* thought they were throwing it at her.
Male TA: If I had a cake, I'd probably throw it at Sue... But then, that's the kind of guy I am.
Female TA: No, it's the type of woman Sue is. It's impossible not to throw cake at her!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: I educate your kids...
10AM Its Melody Is Semisweet
Trainer: 'Charismatic.' That's onomatopoeic.
Employee: What?
Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say 'chocolate,' you can hear it.
Fenkle Street
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Kaethe
12PM In Fairness, He Didn't Seem to Know
Man: It's not my fault the guy was a fucking idiot... It may have been my fault that I told him, though.
New Street Station
Birmingham
United Kingdom
Overheard by: I would have told him, too
2PM You know, I Think I'll Stay Here After All
Guy behind counter on cell: So I'll be there soon....What's that sound?....Oh, yeah! I thought I heard a tornado in the background!
Hall's Archery Range
Manchester, England
5PM So I Got This 'L' Tattooed on My Forehead
Guy: So it turned out my phone wasn't broken. It was just nobody wanted to call me.
Filton Road
Bristol, England
Overheard by: Rich
2PM Dog: Sweetie, All You Have to Do Is Say 'Please'
Chairman: It will be easy, like pulling a greasy stick out a dog's arse.
Employee: That's all well and good, but we have to get the greasy stick in there first!
Barrow-in-Furness
Cumbria, England
10AM That's What They Said Before Pearl Harbor
Employee #1: So as the guy was doing my nails--
Employee #2: --Wait, you have a man do your nails?
Employee #1: Oh, it's okay, he's Asian.
John Adam Street
London, England
Overheard by: rubywoo
10AM He'd Rather Do It Avocationally
Manager: Why do they send so much of this stock? It's never gonna sell. What bunch of arseholes thought this up at head office?
Peon: This is really getting to you, isn't it? I get the feeling you applied for a job there, and they turned you down.
Manager: A job at head office? No thanks, I've no desire to be an arsehole for a living.
Peon: But you'd be so good at it.
4 The Sidings
Lincoln, United Kingdom
3PM The Crystal Ball Shows Me Outta Here and You Buying Three White Fur Bucket Hats
Admin: Can I go home after we've finished this bit? I don't usually work long Fridays.
Boss: I've got two nephews to buy presents for and then decide what to wear for a pimps and hos party after this, and you think you've got problems?
Woodingdean
Brighton, United Kingdom
10AM Do Your Part to Prevent the Spread of Management
Administrator #1: A-chooo.
Administrator #2: A-chooo.
Administrator #3: A-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Administrator #4: Ah, the sounds of summer.
Falcon Way
Welwyn Garden City, UK
10AM Fuck You, You Felch-Sucking, Mung-Eating, Necrotic Limp-Dicked Father-Raper
Drone #1: Crikey Moses! Who the hell wants their picture taken in the Mastermind chair?
Drone #2: Crikey Moses?! You need some better swear words!
201 Wood Lane
London, England
12PM Correct Contact Info
Worker #1: Damn, they've spelt my name wrong on the rota again.
Worker #2: How did they do that?
Worker #1: They used the wrong letters, idiot!
Trafalgar Road
Birkdale, Southport
UK
11AM Go Over Resumes
Manager: "...I was forced to take a year off work to look after my sick mother. She's dead now so problem over."
33 Paradise Road
Richmond, Surrey
UK
4PM Get More Hole Punches for Office
Sales engineer: Hey, you can't use that, that's a sales punch!
Accountant: Care to see a finance punch?
59 Marsh Lane
Solihull, West Midlands
UK
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: You smell of fish!
Co-worker #2: I've been at a fishmongers!
Co-worker #1: Oh! I thought it was an urban myth but they actually do sell fish at a fishmongers?
Co-worker #2: ...What?
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
12PM Look for Receptionist
Agent: [Kevin], there's a call for you.
[Kevin]: Who would it be?
Agent: Duh, it'd be the person on the other end of the phone!
15-17 St Johns
Worcester, Worcestershire
UK
Overheard by: mark nice
11AM Presentation
Manager: Will you guys stop talking during my presentation?
Underling: I wasn't talking, I was asleep...
Abingdon Science Park
Abingdon, Oxfordshire
UK
2PM Brainstorming Meeting
Co-worker: I just thought of a cool new club idea. There's a big warehouse-sized room with strobelights and trance music, everyone has a bicycle and is naked.
Monson Way
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
UK
4PM Call Jon, Jesus
Guy #1: Have you spoken with [Jon]?
Guy #2: No, it's like trying to get hold of God.
1000 Great West Road
Brentwood, Middlesex
UK
Overheard by: saffainlondon
2PM Work on Presentation
Co-worker #1: So will you give the presentation to the new intake?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: Why not?
Co-worker #2: I have made a personal lifestyle choice not to be helpful to anyone in the company.
120 Tonbridge Road
Hildenborough, Kent
UK
12PM Check for Mail
Secretary: All morning I've been so happy, singing and dancing and now the whole day is ruined. Oh, I could commit carry harry right now!
Monson Way
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
UK
Overheard by: Benjaminov
9PM I Just Want to Know What a Tannoy Is
Tannoy: A pair of glasses has been found in the car park. If you have lost a pair, please come and pick them up from reception...if you can find the way.
Thames House
Thames Road, Crayford
England
1PM Nothing Tastes as Good as Friends...hip
Intern #1: Can I try your sandwich?
Intern #2: Let me think about it for...no. Friendship, food: two very different things.
136 Tooley Street
London, England
Overheard by: Jessica Reed
1PM Especially If You Go On the Rides
Colleague: We went on a day trip to Auschwitz but it's not a very happy place.
15-19 Bloomsbury Way
London, England
12AM That Drier Being the British Wit
Project Manager: He said this, and we thought he meant that, and he thought we were doing this, and they thought we were doing that, and they didn't tell us they wanted that so we did this...and it all got lost in the...in the...in the big washing machine of communication.
Developer: Or possibly the tumble drier of tautology.
1-4 Warple Way
Acton, London
12AM Stupidity is an International Language
Dell Support operator: OK, sir, now I'm going to need you to insert your System CD. Do you have that handy?
Irish customer: Is dat dis Pentanium ting?
The other listeners on conference laugh.
Dell Support operator: Excuse me, sir, there's a lot of background noise. I'm just going to turn off the other microphones.
--As a novel approach to caller boredom while waiting for a techSupp droid to become free, Dell have instituted a situation where callers get to listen in while said droid deals with the calls ahead of one in the queue.
So the overhearing was actually pretty widely geographically
distributed, between:
The charmin' Irish Callcentre colleen, who was wherever in Ireland Dell have their support centre;
Her interlocutor, who by his accent was also in that country;
The various other listeners-in, who might have been anywhere in
Europe;
Me, at Long Lane, Newbury, England.
Overheard by: CDWriter
