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9AM Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard
Lady manager: As far as I'm concerned, if you haven't had a rash, you haven't lived!
Kingswood Fields, Surrey
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Captain Stash
5PM Good, Clean Battles to the Death
Male coworker to lady coworkers, about relationship with sister: We never said anything nasty to each other -- it was just physical violence.
Hemel Hempstead
United Kingdom
Overheard by: sticks and stones...
1PM My Mind Actually Projects It onto the World
Boss: You got hypnotized by the screen saver?
IT guy: No, I'm watching porn. This is the only screen no one else can see.
Exeter
United Kingdom
4PM Whoever Answers the Phone Will Be Happy to Abuse You
Office girl on phone: I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Is there something I can do to you? Shit. I mean for you?
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Christina
3PM From Drive Your Staff Crazy with Double-Binds
Worker bee: If you're not willing to come in on your days off, you can't complain about being short-staffed.
UK
5PM And, You Know, Agony
Male desk drone, stretching: I'd love one of those medieval torture tables, y'know?
Female coworker: Uh, the rack?
Male desk drone: Yeah! I love stretching.
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: Lorzgrins
1PM If It Crawls Under the Files, They'll Never See It Again
Peon, about crowd: What's going on over there?
Coworker: One of them's just had a baby and he's brought it in. Look, there it is on the floor!
Hertfordshire
UK
Overheard by: well, there's no daycare
11AM The Papers Are Still on Us about the Picnic
Boss: I don't want it turning into a mega gangbang.
226 Penarth Road
Cardiff
UK
11AM I've Always Wanted to Try the Meat Outside the Bread
Manager: Ben*, do you want a badly made sandwich?
Employee: How badly made?
Manager: Badly.
Employee: Yeah!
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'm fine thanks
9AM And, on Special Occasions, Beer
Worker bee: In a perfect world everyone should smell like pizza.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'd prefer fresh-cut grass
2PM But the Day Is Young
Female supervisor: Hey, Stan*, you got a stiffy today?
Office worker with pained expression: Uh... I've just got a sore neck.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
5PM Cheap-Ass Company Won't Buy Us Any Paper
Lady peon: Oh, for fuck's sake! I'm going to have to draw on my breasts now.
Bolton, Lancashire
United Kingdom
12PM Like Me, the Audience Would Be Small, but Devoted
Desk jockey #1: Do you ever think you might be the star of your own Truman show?
Desk jockey #2: Man, that would be a show with a lot of wanking!
Munster Road
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Marshall
3PM To Talk about It, on the Other Hand...
Suit #1: So, you feeling better today?
Suit #2: Man, I'm never eating Indian again.
Suit #1: Can't have been that bad.
Suit #2: It's just not manly to pee out your bum.
Hospital
England
11AM It's a Good Thing We Caught That When We Did
Coworker #1: The new fix is now in place.
Coworker #2: Is this the fix that fixes the unknown thing we don't know about or the other thing?
Coworker #1: The unknown thing.
Oxford
United Kingdom
3PM Oh, I Don't Mind...
Secretary #1: Oh! Um...
Secretary #2: Don't mind me -- I'm just fiddling in your drawers.
Solicitor's office
Lincolnshire
United Kingdom
1PM It Was Riding the Deer
Teacher #1: My dad hit a deer once!
Teacher #2: Oh, really?! Did it die?
Teacher #1: Yeah, and it totally wrecked the car, too.
Teacher #2: My dad hit a cow!
Teacher #1: Oh... Well, my dad hit a whale!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: Corinne
2PM The Long-Term Effects of Excessive Childhood Prank Calling
New legal secretary: Excuse me, is it Miss D. Meanor or Miss Demeanor?
Solicitor: You cannot be that stupid...
Plymouth
United Kingdom
11AM 'You Suck' -- Now That's Criticism!
Angry manager: ... And you are in no way the Leah* you should be! Do I make myself clear?!
Tearful employee: ... Yes.
Angry manager: Are you always like this?
Tearful employee: No, I usually respond well to criticism, it's just--
Angry manager: --It's not criticism, it's feedback!
Pride Park, Derby
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
11AM The Customer Is Always Right
Old guy: Small fish and chips.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes.
Old guy: What? I'm very deaf.
Italian vendor: The fish aren't ready -- 10 minutes!
Old guy: What? I can't hear you.
Italian vendor: No fish! Have a look here [points to other menu items].
Old guy: I can't see so well. Just get me a fish and chips.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Why are you talking to me?! I can't hear well! Just get me a fish.
Italian vendor: No fish!
Old guy: Are you stupid? I'm deaf and nearly blind, just get me a fish and chips! God, you'd think you didn't have any fish!
Edinburgh, Scotland
United Kingdom
4PM Why People Have Messy Offices
CSR picking up discarded empty box: It would come in handy, even if we never used it.
Laurel House, Old Dover Road
Canterbury, Kent
England
Overheard by: John Dunmore
5PM Of Course, without BeingThere I Can't Be 100 Percent Sure
Visitor: Excuse me, where's your kitchen?
Engineer: Eh?
Visitor: Where's your kitchen?
Engineer: My what?
Visitor: Your kitchen?
Engineer: It's in my house...
Peterborough
United Kingdom
11AM Should Stop That Necktie from Fraying
Man: I'm going to get my thing cauterized. [Pause] Not my thing, but my thing.
Primark Eastbourne
United Kingdom
4PM I Came to Glasgow on a Holiday of Self-Mortification
CSR on phone: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I am French.
Percepta, Sauchiehall Street
Glasgow
Scotland
10AM Team Meeting
Manager: We will have a meeting later on to make sure everyone is happy.
Employee: But today is [Kelly]'s turn to be happy, not mine...I can pretend to be happy.
8 The Grove
Slough, Berkshire
UK
2PM Order Discs
Co-worker: Is these discs recorderable overable?
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
2PM Marketing Meeting
Co-worker: Take two individuals, like me.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
2PM Review Resumes
Co-worker: He could do that job with one eye shut and one eye tied behind his back.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
4PM Pilot Update Due
Co-worker: This pilot is now fully rollable outable.
Rubislaw House
Anderson Drive
Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire
UK
10AM Book Flights
Customer: I don't understand why I can't book a flight for the 1st
of January 2007.
Travel Agent: That's because our schedules are only published 350 days in advance.
Customer: I know that, so why can't I book the flight today? There's
360 days in the year, so logically the seats can be booked today.
Travel Agent: Because that would be 365 days in the year, sir.
225 Bath Street
Glasgow, Scotland
5PM See You Then!
Assistant: What year is it now?
Manager: 2005
Assistant : Still? Okay! It's so easy to forget what year it is, isn't it?
Manager: Not really.
Assistant: So it's 2006 in--
Manager: January 1st!
Commercial Road
Hull, East Yorkshire
UK
Overheard by: Simon Green
11AM Schedule Vacations
Co-worker #1: Is it bad to take holidays just after you start a
new job, like within the trial period?
Co-worker #2: Yeah, I took, like, 10 days in the first week of starting.
WCP Harlaw Road
Inverurie, Aberdeenshire
Scotland
Overheard by: JBlair
11AM Conference Assignments
Department Head: You don't get to choose what the conference is on, there is a pre-set list and they will be allocated around the team.
Co-worker: In that case I think I'll run a conference on Pathfinders.
Websters Ropery
Ropery Road, Sunderland
UK
Overheard by: Jennifer Stevenson
