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9AM She Drinks to Forget
Female student #1: I dunno -- maybe I should give up drinking.
Female student #2: That's never a good idea.
Female student #1: It's just that I'm older, y'know? The drinking scene is so played...
Male student, joining them minutes later: So, what are you guys doing this weekend?
Female student #1: Getting fucking hammered.
Female student #2: What happened to giving up drinking?
Female student #1: Oh, please, that was so two minutes ago.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: the iPod was just a front
3PM I Wouldn't Wait
IT guy #1: Yeah, it's my grandmother's one hundredth birthday next March.
IT guy #2: Wow, really?
IT guy #1: Yup. I'm going to send her a strip-o-gram.
7th street and 7th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
12PM You Do?
Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It
Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.
Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Roger Decides to Have a Protein Shake at His Desk
Male cube rat: What are we doing for lunch? I'm craving meat.
Female cube rat #1, grinning: What kind of meat?
Male cube rat: Hmmm... A big, juicy steak, with a side of fried chicken.
Female cube rat #2: How about a Reuben sandwich?
Male cube rat: No, no, I don't want female meat -- I want man meat!
All within earshot: Reeeally?!
Male cube rat: Awww, crap.
2916 21st Street NE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Neverlivingitdown
5PM Now I Just Sit on Mine
Old woman at check-in desk: I used to have a lot more sex when I was younger... There weren't any TVs back then.
Main Street
Wolfville, Nova Scotia
Canadia
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
10AM Which Also Leaves Out Spanking and Flogging
Boss to assistant: Well, we're not going to fire you, because you'd like that too much.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Sir Rugo
4PM Tell Him This Is No Way to Treat His Mother
Salesman on phone: Yes, I'm calling to speak to Stan*.
Guy answering phone: One moment, I'll see if he's in the office. [Muffled] Stan, there's someone on the phone for you. What should I tell them?
Stan: No, tell them I'm not here.
Guy answering phone, to salesman: I'm sorry, sir, he must have stepped out. Hhe's not in the shop.
Salesman: Are you kidding? I could hear you yell, 'Stan, there's someone on the phone for you,' and then he yelled back, 'Tell them I'm not here...'
Guy answering phone: Oh, sorry... Yeah, I should have muted it. Yeah, he's actually in the shower right now and can't get to the phone.
Salesman: ... I'll call back later.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
1PM Maintenance? Yeah, Hurry -- Her Coolant Is Leaking
Preggers coworker: Call maintenance and tell them to get the air conditioning fixed! You tell them I'm pregnant and I'm in heat up here!
Front Road
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Neil Davall
9AM Could You at Least Connect Me to I.C. Weiner?
Call center agent: I'm sorry, but for international calls, you'll have to contact your zero operator for information.
Customer: You can't help me?
Call center agent: No, I only provide listings in North America.
Customer: What?
Call center agent: I am a 4-1-1 operator. You need the zero operator.
Customer: What's the difference?
Call center agent, sighing: The zero operator can help you. I cannot.
Customer: So you're useless?
Call center agent: In this case, I am completely useless to you, yes.
Customer, to friend in same room: Hahahaha! She admitted she was useless!
Call center agent: [Slooow exhale.]
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Relax -- That's Just Canadian for "Good Morning"
Overworked CSR: Sir, at any point in our conversation today did I provide you with my name?
Customer: No.
Overworked CSR: Good -- fuck you [hangs up].
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM I've Already Told You Everything I Know
Man: Is this the Information counter?
Bored worker: Yes.
Man: Can I have some information?
Université de Montréal
Canadia
9AM Superhero Question Man Had Trouble Making Friends
Customer: Hi! Are you a horticulturalist?
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: Were is your washroom?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Counter Guy
4PM My Secret? Vodka Oreos.
Manager: Did you see the game last night?
Coordinator: I was drunk. [Takes bite of Oreo.]
Manager: Huh?
Coordinator: Yeah, I'm drunk every day. S'matter of fact, I'm drunk right now!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
10AM More of a City-State Than a Country
Office girl #1: But I thought he was, like, Mexican or Brazilian or something.
Office girl #2: No, he's Filipino.
Office girl #1: Oh, so, like... Um...
Office girl #2: It's like half-Mexican, half-Chinese.
Office girl #1: But he's gay, right?
Office girl #2: Definitely -- all gay.
Office girl #1: He's from Gay Land!
Ad agency
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Half-Offended-Half-Laughing
4PM His Death Was Ruled a Justifiable Homicide
Cube rat to neighbor: I think it's worth six million dollars. Wait, I didn't write six million, I wrote six thousand... Or is that your writing? ... Oh, that's the square footage... Duh...
1477 Lansdowne Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: slacker
11AM A Rip in the Space-Time Continuum? Very Bad.
Suit #1: Hey, Jeff*, has there ever been a Friday-the-13th on a Monday?
Suit #2: Uh...
Suit #1: Man, that would be the worst day ever.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM This Is How She Ends Every Conversation
Jewish boss: By the time we're done, we will convert you.
Catholic assistant: Ummm, Jesus is the Messiah. Goodbye.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: intern
10AM ... So I Think I'll Vote for Obama Instead
Engineer: So, apparently she holds out her cell phone to people on the street and says, 'This is my husband. Tell him he's an asshole!'
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: thankfully unmarried
10AM We Will Now Commence with the Floggings
Manager: Okay, creatives, since [creative director] is away this week, I've decided to make you comfortable: Motherfucker, cunt, snatch, bitch, motherfucker!
Adelaide Street
West Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just passing through
3PM All While We Were Supposed to Be Paying Attention to the Professor
Preppy student: Hey, do you guys remember that penis enlargement video we watched in business class? Yeah, that was hilarious.
529 Vaughan Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: oh-that-new-curriculum
4PM Just Sent Us Hatemail for Calling It "Canadia"
Male peon: So, where are you guys located, anyway?
Customer: We're in Guyana.
Male peon: Oh, over in Africa, eh?
Black coworker, yelling from four cubicles over to male peon: Stan*, you're an idiot!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
5PM Sailing in Search of the Rest of Your Simile
Consultant on phone: You need to set corporate goals. Without goals, you're like a boat on the water.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
4PM Hey, It's Your Name
CSR on phone: Your name, please?
Client: Patti Thomson*. That's Thompson, without a P.
CSR: No P in Patti?!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Mind If I Watch You Work?
Manager: Hey, you got a sec?
Developer: What's up?
Manager: I'm trying to figure out how much to charge the client for that new feature. How hard would it be for you to add it?
Developer, smirking: I can do it in 10 minutes... with my dick.
Manager: Sooo... about five hundred bucks then.
543 Richmond Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing new guy
9AM Um, She's Thirty-Five.
CEO: Oh, that's the guy with the gaggle of kids, right? The ugly ones.
Project coordinator: They're not all ugly! The little one, Erica*, is cute!
CEO: She just hasn't grown into her ugly yet.
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
1PM The One That Looks Like a Penis
Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: phone room peon
12PM For the Last Time, This Is a Library
Boss on phone: I am not your proctologist today, sir!
3500 Boulevard de Maisonneuve
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: the receptionist
4PM Well, Not Used Successfully
Engineer on phone: I could try to sell you a penis enlarging pump instead, if you'd like... No, of course it's not used!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
12PM As I Explained in My Eulogy
Office girl: He was murdered outside that bar.
Office guy: Oh my god! I remember that. It was on the news. You knew him?
Office girl: Yeah! I got his microwave!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
9AM A Golden Shower
Suit on phone: Yeah, you better remember how to take a shower.
59 Camelot Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Sorry, I'm washing my hair tonight
10AM ... In the Church Easter Pageant
Cube rat: Yeah, I'm going to be a giant hymen!
685 Rue Cathcart
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Burning Ears
1PM No.
Customer: Can I have one of these items that is in a box?
Employee: Of course [retrieves item].
Customer: Can you check to make sure it isn't broken?
Employee: No problem! [Cuts tape and opens box.]
Customer: Great! Now, can I have one that hasn't been opened?
670 University Avenue
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Shaking Head in Disbelief
5PM At Least I Think They Were My Pants
Employee #1: Why are you so late, man?
Employee #2: I got loaded last night and shit my pants on the way to work.
1300 St. Laurent Boulevard
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
9AM That's How We Write These Headlines
Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.
East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Don't Want Him to Get What I Got
Peon on phone, about his son: ... So I bought him condoms... Yes, Mom, I know he's 15, but I was having sex at 15...
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused and disgusted all at once
3PM Did You Get the Package I Sent?
Girl answering phone: Hi.
Guy on speaker: Hey... What are you doing?
Girl: Nothing.
Guy: Don't e-mail me today.
Girl: Why?
Guy: They are using my computer for a presentation.
Girl: Oh, okay.
Guy: I don't need them seeing 'Eff you!'
Girl: Haha, I never put that in the subject line.
Guy: Right... Or 'I eff-ing hate you... And I'm not joking.'
Girl: Hahaha, I haven't said that in so long!
Guy: You texted that to me last night.
Girl: Oh. Hahaha. No, I said, 'You better be dead... And I'm not even joking!'
Law office, Highway 10 and 403
Ontario
Canadia
5PM He Brings Out the Worst in Me and Enjoys It
20-something in scrubs #1: The one I really like is Jared*.
20-something in scrubs #2: Jared?
20-something in scrubs #1: Yeah. When we're together I can really control him.
Hospital, 399 Bathurst Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM It's Only Partially about the Kids
Hockey dad: If this snow keeps up, there won't be any hot-tubbing with the hockey MILFs tonight.
Bachelor: Hockey MILFs?
Hockey dad: You better believe it.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: My kid's on the wrong hockey team
10AM I'm Thinking of Knitting One
Cute chick holding up ballpoint pen: How does this work?
250 Bloor Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: working on a manual
11AM The Best Boss That Ever Had Me
Team leader: She was like some kind of robot lesbian.
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
3PM Well, It's in the Decontamination Chamber Right Now...
Boss: Did you find mail in the bathroom?
Intern: Yeah, is it yours?
Boss: Yeah, I left it there on purpose.
Intern: Do you want me to put it back?
Boss: No, I'll take it now, please.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM The Meter Is Running Even As We Speak
Incompetent project manager, after asking redundant questions: Um... Are you going to charge this time to my project?
Competent cube dweller: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna charge this! I'm gonna charge the fuck outta this project!
940 6th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Carver Stone
10AM 16 Years Old Is Legally Too Young to Consent to Dill
Woman to boss: You should absolutely take your daughter to see To Kill a Mockingbird. Unless, of course, you're worried about rape.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM No More Sleeping Under Bridges with Teenagers?
Employee: Everything about my life sucks right now! I need to go home, and I need to have a shower, and I need to get laid by someone who knows what he's doing for once, and then I need to go to bed.
Sackville
New Brunswick
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
12PM That's Why It's a Little Lopsided in the Back
Receptionist: In my head I get banged all the time!
Côte-des-Neiges Road
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: better without context
10AM If They Happen to Get Motivated, That Can Be Their Christmas Bonus
Service manager: We are not here to motivate employees. We are here to make them do their jobs.
Mavis Road
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
3PM So at Least She's Being Safe
Colleague, about her cat: Ever since I got those balloons delivered to my house on my birthday, she's really been into rubber.
Yonge Street and St. Clair Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM I Told Them They Needed to Get at Least Four More or They'd Be Fired
Chick on cell: So, I'm clearing room in the back for more stock, and those fuckers have a case of beer back there...
Mall
Burnaby, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Christmas shopper wanted to know what store she works at...
5PM I Mean, I Don't Think So...
Office grunt #1: Hey! So, you're back in the office, eh? Where were you last week?
Office grunt #2: Oh, I was in Guatemala.
Office grunt #1: Really? In Europe?
Office grunt #2: No.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Anonymous
2PM Unless It's Bait, Sucker!
Student to another, after grabbing cookie from unattended table: What?! They left them out! That's like leaving food out and not expecting the rats to come!
University
Prince George, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM And Apparently Neither Do You
Teacher: That's an interesting tattoo, Jacob*!
Student #1: Thanks.
Teacher: Are you like the tattooed man from The Great Gatsby?
Student #2, after long pause: Yo, we don't read!
High school
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
5PM You Mean the Planter?
Blonde salesgirl on phone with IT: My computer is not working.
IT guy: Did you plug everything in right?
Blonde salesgirl: Yes! Of course! The light is on, but nothing's happening. [IT guy goes to her office, bends over, presses power button and walks out.] But the light was on!
IT guy: That's your screen. The computer is the big box on the floor.
Office, Meilleur Street
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: ID-10-T
9AM 8 Heads in a Duffel Baguette
Peon #1, talking about proposed ad: Show the guys driving home too quickly and then getting decapitated because they're driving their car too fast. That's entertainment.
Peon #2: That's not good. I'm thinking that's not selling sandwiches.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: one smelly idiot
2PM As Long As He Stays Dead and All
Guy: I always say, "To each his own."
Girl: But what about Hitler? Would you say that about Hitler?
Guy: Well, if Hitler's happy doing what he's doing...
2375 Main Mall, University of British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
9AM Could I Have Some Privacy?
Boss eating old almonds: Oh... God... I feel like I'm eating from a squirrel's ass.
Goderich
Ontario
Canadia
5PM And I Wrote for SNL During Those Crappy Years
Coworker #1: Hey, can you download this script for me: 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Oh my god, what happened? You were fine just a second ago! What's that script you want called?
Coworker #1: 'I'm in Hell,' and I'm fine.
Coworker #2: That's weird, having a script called 'I'm fine' when you're in Hell.
Coworker #1: No, not 'I'm fine' -- 'I'm in Hell.'
Coworker #2: Seriously? What's going on?!
Coworker #1: The script is 'I'm in Hell.' And I'm fine.
Coworker #2: Wait, what?
Coworker #1: [Sighs.]
Boss: This is lamest edition of 'Who's on first?' I've ever heard.
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Office Ears
1PM In Totally Unrelated News, My Voodoo Doll Works
Office peon on phone: Hey, you know what? I have even more Earth-shattering news for you. Apparently Paula Abdul broke her nose this weekend trying to step over her Chihuahua!
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: I to the Sac
5PM Could You Just Stop Talking about Centimeters?
Exec assistant: Fuckin' pregnant chicks...
Preggers: I didn't even get you wet!
Waterloo
Canadia
11AM Ozzy Osbourne: Of All the Things I've Lost, I Miss My Schlong the Most
Front desk girl: What was that thing in the Lost Objects box?
Manager: A penis. Huge one.
Front desk girl: The maid found it in a room?
Manager: In the fridge.
Hotel
Montréal
Canadia
Overheard by: Grossed Out Customer
5PM I Don't Get Indoors Much
Man: Is that meeting here on the tenth floor?
Woman: No, it's on the eleventh floor.
Man: Okay. Is that one floor up?
2775 Laurel Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
2PM Massive -- Why?
Purchaser on phone: No, no, the price is fine. I'm just a little concerned about the thickness of the shaft... How exactly is it lubricated? ... Well, yeah, with that kind of thickness you are talking major lubrication...
Manufacturing company offices
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Salty
12PM Brain Food?
Guy: Do you think it's possible to be allergic to... you know?
Girl: No, I don't know...
Guy: Sure you do.
Girl: No, I don't know what 'you know' is!
Guy: Yes, you know!
Girl: What? You mean, like, condoms?
Guy: No, like you know -- vagina...
Girl: Why on earth would anybody be allergic to vagina?!
Guy: Cause, you know, it's like fish.
Customer service call center
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: MBN
3PM In the Sense That It Wouldn't Affect Us
Engineer: If there's a meltdown from us making [a particular mistake], how much damage would it do around the plant?
Sales guy: It's actually for New Brunswick, so it wouldn't be too big a deal.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Not moving to New Brunswick anytime soon
10AM And I Am Speaking to You Over the PA
Announcement over PA after lights go out: Attention everyone -- the lights are off.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Well within Their Ability to Bleed to Death
Engineer: So, this system should give the operators a maximum of 200 blisters per minute.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
5PM Donnie Only Pretends to Take the Ritalin
Giftie #1: 'Quixotic' is so the best word you can make in Scrabble.
Giftie #2: It is not. The best is-- Oooh! Ice cream truck!
Bayview and Eglinton Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Naked and Sweating, I Find Myself Trapped in a Prison of My Own Making
Coworker: Hey, are you doing Lego naked in there?!
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: The joys of a home office
4PM Say 'Cerebellum' at the Deli Section
Teacher: I was sitting there thinking, 'If I only had a brain!' And then I thought, 'Duh! The Wal-Mart's open!'
Brookdale, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: Chris
12PM Get Your Tail Out of My Coffee!
Cube rat: You know, every time I eat something tiny like a nut or a seed I feel like a monkey.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: mego
11AM I'd Be a Lesbian, but I Can't Afford the Union Dues
Middle-aged lady to others in lunchroom: I don't know. For me, whenever there is male full-frontal nudity, the movie instantly becomes a comedy.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Would You Like Some Candy?
IT guy: Pretty much everyone who works here is either a computer geek or a pedophile.
HR lady walking by: Hey, I'm not a computer geek.
Richmond Hill
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
5PM Oh, Hell, I'm Smoking Right Now
Employee #1: Do you smoke?
Employee #2: I don't. Um, I try not to. Well, I did yesterday.
171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: chain
1PM It's the Enemy of Eye-Hand Coordination
Designer: Hey, I'm photoshopping -- no spanking!
West 5th Avenue
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: designgrl
9AM Where It's Win or Lose without the Rolling Disasters
GM: So, how are you doing?
Clerk: Well, I was almost fired today, so, you know, I've been crying a lot.
GM: You know what? You should really be having fun out here! Try to have a little fun out here!
Clerk: [Blinks.]
GM: Okay! Now I have to go coach Little League!
Howe Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
2PM Why Did We Even Come in Here?
Gay customer: Excuse me, [points to employee] is that man gay?
Clerk: I'm not sure
Gay customer: He comes off as gay.
Clerk: I guess...
Gay customer, turning to boyfriend: I wouldnt bang him, would you?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
12PM Friend: Ummm, You Didn't Hang Up?
Chick on cell: Uh-huh... Yeah. Okay. Call me later. [Snaps phone shut and turns to friend, loudly] So, oh my god, she has chlamydia and--
Horrified retail guy: --Okay, I didn't hear that...
Chick on cell: I did not say it that loudly... right?
Horrified friend: Yeah, you really did...
Shop 13, 1100 Pacific Highway
Canadia
Overheard by: Not that loud...
11AM You Should Come This Sunday
Boss: Call it 'team environment,' because I don't like the word 'culture.' It reminds me of that other word. You know, what they call my church...?
Office manager: [Stares in silence.]
Boss: Cult! They call it a cult.
Manitoba
Canadia
1PM Just As Long As I Can Wear My Bandana
Guy: You seriously want to move to Halifax?
Girl: Yeah, why?
Guy: Because it means that you'll have to be a pirate as well as a lesbian.
University of Windsor
Windsor, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: colin
4PM I Think I'll Keep Him
Female agent on phone: You gonna have supper ready when I get home? I don't care... Fine, chicken. Fried chicken. Whatever, get your ass in the kitchen and make me some fried chicken. Just shut up and go make me some chicken, I'll be home in an hour [hangs up]. My husband is so whipped.
Evans Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Going Gay
2PM I'd Have a Camel Eat the Snow, Then Milk the Camel
Bimbette #1: Would you ever eat snow?
Bimbette #2: I dunno. Would you?
Bimbette #1: Well, imagine if you were really thirsty and in the desert and there's a whole bunch of snow...
65 St. Clair Avenue East
Toronto
Canadia
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
11AM Oh, I Know
CCA: So, I have to get some KY jelly for my puppy. I've never really lubricated a dog's rectum before, you know?
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM I'm Just Saying
Employee: There's someone parked out back in my parking space.
Manager: I hate when that happens. Years ago this woman used to park in my spot all the time... She's dead now.
Birmingham Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
11AM Typhoid Larry Has Brought Down the Network Before
Coworker: I'm trying to open an email attachment and the virus software isn't letting me because it says it has a virus. Can you come turn off the virus software so I can open it?
IT chick, shocked: No!
Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia
5PM Or Time Management. Whatever.
Office manager: I'm going to Google time travel!
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: The Office Bitch
10AM We May Have Lost Our Laser-like Focus on the Customer, Though
IT guy #1: So, Stan* is trying to bring some cohesiveness to our group...
IT guys #2 and #3: [Laughing.]
IT guy #1: No, I think it's working. Because now we're all like, 'Fuck you, Stan.'
1135 64th Avenue
SE Calgary
Alberta, Canadia
1PM Must... Resist... 'Crappy Gift'... Joke...
Guy #1: So, what did you get her for Christmas?
Guy #2: Oh, man, she's gonna love it -- I got her a padded toilet seat!
Guy #1: Cool.
Lime Ridge Mall, 999 Upper Wentworth Street
Hamilton, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing myself stupid
3PM The Left
Guy: The movie wasn't very good, but the chick was super hot. She was, like, half Chinese, half normal.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Supervisor
9AM Boy, If He Thought He Was Embarrassed Before...
Male coworker: It's funny, but my son is too embarrassed to buy condoms, so he just has anal sex with his girlfriend.
Female coworker: That's a good idea.
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Stinky Pinky
3PM How Was My Penmanship, for Example?
Student to professor: So, the only comment you made on my paper was that I completely missed the point of the assignment... So everything else was okay?
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
5PM Get 'em Blessed, You Mean?
Student: Let's play the penis game!
Religion class, All Saints High School
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
3PM Too Far up the Pyramid of Technology
Customer: I'm looking for a special kind of bead.
Bead store clerk: Okay, can you describe it?
Customer: Well, it's flat and has four holes in it. I know there's a name for them, but I just can't remember it. You can sew them into clothing...
Bead store clerk: Do you mean a button?
Customer: Yes! Do you have buttons?
Bead store clerk: Um, no.
Newport Village
Port Moody, British Columbia
Canadia
5PM You Win This Round, My Evil Queen
Chick: Hello?
Dude: Hey.
Chick: Take me off speakerphone!
Dude: [Picks up phone] Don't order me around like that!
Chick: Ha, ha... I like how you took me off speakerphone first and then told me not to order you around.
Dude: You are such a princess... Am I on speakerphone?
Chick: Yup.
Dude: Jerk.
403 & Highway 10
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: who's the boss?
3PM It's Been Separated from the Fruits of Its Labor
Customer on phone: How come my phone doesn't work?
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM We Export It
Chinese immigrant driver: Everyone is talking about gay marriage. What is 'gay'?
Lady driver: It's, uh, when two men or two women like each other in a, uh, sexual way.
Chinese immigrant driver: Oh! We don't have that in China.
Calgary International Airport Parkade
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Girl Driver #2
1PM And You May Find Yourself Living in a Shotgun Shack
Consultant on phone: When you fill out this skills assessment form you may find you have skills you don't have.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
1PM Can't Go Wrong with the Classics
Coworker: Any religion involving rams' blood is fine by me.
Yaletown
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: DaveM
1PM We Won't Know for Sure until the Hearing
Woman: ...And I love him. But last night I was so embarrased -- I farted while we were making love.
Girl: Ew! That's so gross, you did not fart.
Woman: What the hell do you mean?
Girl: You queefed, okay?
4139 - 98 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dayton
2PM He Books the WWE Package Tours
Travel agent #1: I would go back there in a heartbeat. China was so awesome.
Travel agent #2: I heard that China was insane.
Travel agent #3: Any ugly girl wrestler has to be a little insane. I mean, Chyna was the craziest woman wrestler ever.
Travel agent #1: Ummm... yeah.
Jasper Avenue
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
2PM The Chef Went on to Win a Nobel in Physics
Girl #1: The lasagna I had for lunch was made funny. It had air in it.
Girl #2: How'd they get air in the lasagna?
Girl #1: I think it was after the layer of sauce.
Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Anyway, Long Story Short: I Spill Caulk on Myself at Least Once a Day Now, Though Usually at Night
Retiree visiting the office: I was working on the windows and running around the yard with my caulk in my hand, and I have this neighbor, Dave*, who was standing in the bushes, and I didn't see him. But Dave scared me and there was caulk everywhere -- caulk all over the windows and caulk on my hands. No, I'm serious, there were inches of it coming out! You guys aren't even listening to me! I didn't know what to do about all of the caulk on my hands but I called the 800 number on the side of it and the guy said that friction could get it off.
110 Nelson Road
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
9AM Not Knowing Is Better Than Thinking It Means 'Imply'
Student: I just read the stupidest word on my Bio diploma. 'Infer'? What the fuck does 'infer' mean?
1200 Festival Road
Sherwood Park, Alberta
Canadia
10AM I Will Never Forget Our Little Chat
Manager: So, my wife had to give me an enema this weekend. I thought I was going to die.
New girl: Are you serious?
Manager: Yes. I am always serious.
Christina Street
Sarnia, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Leoness
2PM After Violet Became a Blueberry, It Took Years of Plastic Surgery to Turn Her White Again
Mother to small child: I already spent all of my money on your face.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: beckz
5PM Plus, It's the Clearest Dramatization of the Effect of Reaganomics That I Know
Economics professor: Kick me in the rear. I like it.
University of Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: my attention span is price inelastic
5PM Darwin, You Want to Field This One?
Guy: Fuck, she is just a total bitch.
Woman #1: What race is she?
Woman #2: Duh, female.
720 Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds
Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes
Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!
Manitoba
Canadia
11AM Even a Dumb Chick Is Right Once Every Thousand Years
Bimbette #1: Like, what's a millennium?
Bimbette #2: I think it's, like, when the year changes or something.
Video store,
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: A Thousand Years of Blondes
2PM Can We Say I'm in St. Tropez?
Teen boy: I want you to keep writing for the school newspaper. You can be our foreign correspondent!
Teen girl: Foreign? I'm not foreign just because I left the school.
Teen boy: Yes, you are. You're so far now.
Teen girl: I'm on the other side of Scarborough, and you're saying I might as well be in Bolivia!
Teen boy: We can say you are, if you want.
Ontario Universities' Fair, Metro Toronto Convention Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: made me laugh
11AM This Mid-Life Crisis Is Coming Together Nicely
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning!
Admin: What?
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning! Broadsided it! Never even saw it!
Admin: You didn't see a garbage truck?
CEO: I know! I was doing like 40 miles an hour! And my kid was in the car!
1190 Del Rio Place
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: Never riding with the boss
9AM ...When I Saw the Pile of Wounded Interns in Front of the Door of His Room
Guy: So, I figure that either they tried to give dad a needle somewhere he didn't want it, or something really bad happened.
Broadway
Winnipeg, Canada
Overheard by: Shalamar
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
11AM NewsFlash: Student Expelled for Refusing to 'Dumb Down' Answers
Teacher: Scott*, can you give the next answer?
Student: Religion is the belief in a supernatural and the relationship with this being.
Teacher: Could you please speak normally next time?
Student: I am.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
11AM A Deal They Were Willing to Swallow
Salesman: They like us. We have a good taste in their mouth.
Bay Street
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
5PM Sorry, I Don't Bi That
Control room guy: I'm sorry, but if you get a hard-on from another guy, YOU'RE GAY. You can't just say you were just acting. DeNiro couldn't even act that well.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
1PM The Best Diagnosis Canada's Health Services Have Been Able to Come Up With
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Overheard by: Going to class
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
5PM The Human-Powered Watercraft Speed Record Is a Seductive Mistress
Girl #1: It's like that kid that was kidnapped for all those years, and then they found him and he was back with his family... but then he died a few years later in a boatorcycle accident.
Girl #2: A boatorcycle accident?
Girl #1: I meant motorcycle.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was gonna say... if he was boatorcycling it would have been his own fault. I mean, he shouldn't have been boatorcycling.
Girl #1: I know!
4310 Sherwoodtowne Boulevard
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
10AM You Can't Let People Get Away with Basing Their Lives on '80s Movies
Security guard: I walked in on him making love to a mannequin, so I kicked the shit out of him.
Hazeldean Mall
Kanata, Ontario, Canada
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
5PM It's Been Oolong Time Since I Embarrassed Myself Like That
Agent: Oh, now I remember why I don't usually drink pee. It always makes me have to go to the washroom... Tea. Tea! I meant tea!... Fuck you all.
1616 27th Avenue Northeast
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Overheard by: Didn't believe him
4PM You're Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don't Want to Be Here When You Do
Employee: My friend ate a penis once... but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
12PM That Explains Some of the Stains, Though
Lawyer: Oh, he's a philanderer?
Legal assistant: No, he works at a paint store.
14340 57th Avenue
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
3PM Is That Better or Worse Than Her Stepdaughter Being Pregnant and Moving Out to Live with the Son?
Coworker #1: Well, I got some good news and some bad news last night.
Coworker #2: Let me guess... your stepdaughter's moving out, but she's pregnant.
Coworker #1: Oh my God, you're so close! My stepdaughter's moving out and my eighteen-year-old son's girlfriend is pregnant.
Coworker #2: Wow, what luck.
1649 Pandosy
Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada
Overheard by: melissa
2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?
Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.
1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: WOW @ CU
4PM Unless You Have an 11?
Woman: I take an exact size 9.
Salesgirl: We only have an 8 and a 10.
Woman: I'll take the 10.
Niagara-on-the-Lake
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: bored at work
11AM From the Ancient Canadian Folk Tale 'Chickens Are from Hell, Eh?'
Teen #1: I swear, those chickens were from hell.
Teen #2: All chickens are from hell.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
2PM Or Tommy Lee
Female employee #1: ...so if the sun exploded seven minutes ago, we wouldn't know it yet, because it takes eight minutes for the sun's light to reach us.
Male employee: That's depressing! What would you do in those seven minutes?
Female employee #1: If I were at work? Have sex.
Male employee: Isn't that's a lot of pressure on the guy?
Female employee #1: Please. Guys are usually all, "Gimme two minutes!"
Female employee #2: You could do three guys in that time!
Female employee #1: Three and a half!
Boulevard Sacré Coeur
Gatineau, Quebec
Overheard by: Sara
12PM Canadians Keep Zoloft in the Water Supply For Moments Like This
CSR on speakerphone: Hey, when am I going to get my email fixed? I have things that I need to send out to clients.
IT guy: Oh, yeah, we sent you an email requesting some more information. We need you to send that email back before we can fix your issue...Hello? Are you sending that email?
CSR disconnects the call.
CSR: I'm going on break now.
1616 27th Avenue NE
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
2PM They Prefer to Be Called...Um... Something Different This Year
Older woman #1: What are you going to do while you're here?
Young man: Oh, I'm gonna shop like a mofo!
Older woman #1: Mofo? What is that?
Older woman #2: What does that mean?
Young man: Uh...it, uh...means I'm gonna shop a lot!
Older woman #2: Oh...Is that a Negro term?
Victoria, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: J. Max
12PM Aren't Asians Supposed to Be Smart?
Interviewer: Have you ever had to deal with rude or irate clients over the telephone?
Asian interviewee: Yes, at my last job I had to call the USA, and you know how rude they can be.
Interviewer: Yes, I know all too well, considering I am American and so is this company. This interview is now finished. Try not to hit my car on your way out of the parking lot...You know how Asians can't drive!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Elle (the other interviewer)
3PM And Welcome to the Federal Civil Service
Recent business school grad: You know, working for this company is not for the weak of heart. There is not a lot of recognition handed out to people.
Senior executive: Recognition? You want recognition? You are a dumbass. How's that?
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Yeah, I Think the Nigerians Took that Over in the '50s
Co-Worker #1: So is Mumbai, like, a country that we do business with?
Co-Worker #2: No, it's a city! It used to be called Bombay before those imperialist American jerks finally pulled out and the native people got their land back.
Co-Worker #1: Oh. So it was Moscow that was the country I was thinking of?
Co-Worker #2: Probably.
323B 41st Avenue
Calgary, Canadia
12PM She's Charging 20 Dollars for the Answer. That Seems Reasonable.
Woman #1: What's 20 percent off of 90 dollars?
Woman #2: It'll cost 20 dollars.
Queen Street
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just doing my job
5PM I Can't Answer That Until You Tell Me If You're Speaking English or Canadian
Executive assistant: Ooohh! Are you speaking Spanish or Mexican?
Hull, Quebec
1PM ...Or to Geography Class
Nurse #1: You better grab that. It's leaning like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Nurse #2: Oh, I've never been to France.
339 Windermere Road
London, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Amanda
10AM After His Conscience Was Removed, Oswald Sometimes Experienced Discomfort in the Area Where It Had Been
Employee #1: So the guy in jail I was telling you about, he's dead! [Laughs]
Employee #2: Ooh, that's great for you then, right?
Employee #1: No, it was the wrong guy. There were two guys sitting in jail, and one of them died, but it was the wrong one.
Employee #2: So you owe your friend money?
Employee #1: Well not until the other guy dies. [pause] This is pretty morbid isn't it?
Sparks Street
Ottawa, Canadia
Overheard by: a poor little intern
4PM What Early Urkel Exposure Does to Ghetto Children
Thug #1: Yo, man, this place is lined up!
Thug #2: Yo, this place got more lines than algebra class.
Thug #1: Man, this place prob'ly got more signs in it.
Thug #2: Fo' sho'. It prob'ly got more cosines in it, too.
Coliseum Ottawa, 3090 Carling Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Beth
12PM Although, Ordinarily, that Would Be Enough
Co-Worker #1: That new guy is kind of creepy, like he's going to come in and shoot up the place.
Co-Worker #2: Yeah, I know, he's just plain scary.
Co-Worker #1: ...and not because he's brown.
17th Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Dispatch God
11AM And I Expect to Be Hungover Monday
Suit #1: I'm going to need that project done for Monday. Can you get on that right now?
Suit #2: It's Friday, and I have beer to drink. It's really going to have to wait.
4881 Yonge Street
Toronto, Ontario
1PM Michael Milken's Up to His Old Tricks
Exec steals Nutri-Grain Bar from CEO.
CEO: Give that back!
Exec: No.
CEO, cornering exec and pushing him against the wall: Give that to me; that's my Nutri-Grain!
Exec: You aren't getting it back.
CEO: That's stealing, man!
Exec: Buy some more! You've got the money!
CEO, releasing exec: You're a real class act, man.
Exec unwraps and eats Nutri-Grain Bar.
5200 Dixie Road
Toronto, Ontario
5PM Lloyd Never Accepted the Constraints of the English Language
Man: Do you have the movie Upside Down?
Cashier: Let me check. Um, no.
Man: The one about the two guys on the wine tour.
Cashier: You mean Sideways?
Man: Yeah, that one.
Cashier: It's under 'S' on the wall.
Man, to his friend: It's under "S" with Psycho.
Video store
Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: emily
4PM And If They Show Up Here, I Called in Sick, Okay?
Employee: Hey, Kathy!* I was so happy to see you come to work this morning!
Kathy: Yup, the police didn't pick me up! Whew!
Swiss chalet near Highway 401
Whitby, Ontario
Overheard by: too naughty 4 tv
12PM She Faked That One
Secretary: Put it in! Put it in! Faster, c'mon! I can't take it, put it in! [Giggles]
Worker: Ready? Here we go. [Excessive grunting]
Secretary: Oh yeah, that feels great! Oh, yes.
Boss walks by. Looks in office.
Boss: What the hell is going on here?
Secretary: He just put the air conditioner in!
2000 Peel Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Monika
12PM Then Fill Out Two Copies of the Freudian Slip
Frustrated manager: So just take that and put it in the bitch! I mean, bin. Put it in the bin.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: Hired to do Bitch-Work
1PM After Much Wrangling...Finally, Canadia Was Sold
Customer: Is fifty percent off of $100, like, $50?
Employee: No. Not at all. It usually works out to $35.95.
Customer: Really?
2223 Victoria Avenue East
Regina, Saskatchewan
4PM Blue...No, Red. Red!!
Employer: If I were to ask you for one thing you are not good at, what would it be?
Interviewee: Uh...answering questions like this one?
Insurance HR office
Toronto, Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer service manager: Okay, now I'm going to grab my hipflask, hide behind the bushes, and drink myself stupid.
98 Toryork
North York, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Customer Service
CSR on phone with client: Yes sir, just click on the bl-b!
CSR: I'm terribly sorry, sir, my manager just hit me in the face with a beachball.
40 King Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
1PM Defining Expectations
Office manager: The first rule of thumb is that two geotechnical engineers will always give you two different answers. The second rule of thumb is that I'm always right.
Interns: Hahahahahahahahah
Pause
Office manager: I'm being serious.
1066 West Hastings
Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
4PM Calling IT
Worker: There is something wrong with my computer. It is really
slow... I mean really slow. It is like having a conversation with Keanu Reeves.
26 Arrowsmith Road
Hamilton, Ontario
1PM Deliverables Assessment
Employee: Is that why you broke up? No lobster, no nookie... I really didn't mean to say that so loud.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
11AM Research Tuition Options
Worker #1: I am thinking about going to medical school sometime.
Worker #2: I'm pretty sure you couldn't handle medicine...
Worker #1: Just for that I'm going to be a medicine!
Worker #2: What?
1166 Gorham Street
Newmarket, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Staff Meeting
Manager: We need to be ducked-rowed here as there will be a lot of scrutiny given we've had the opportunity to reoutlook the schedule twice now and yet the schedule continues to slip.
229 8th Street SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
12PM Interviews
Senior VP: On a scale of 1 to 10, how honest are you?
Interviewee: Whatever I answer, how would you know if I'm telling the
truth or lying?
5650 Keaton Crescent
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Foreman: This must be a timer problem.
Electrician: Think so? Why?
Foreman: It happens all the time.
1050 Park Road South
Oshawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: william waite
10AM Clean Up Cube
Agent: Wow, I sure do have a lot of shit in my drawers!
5512 - 4th Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
12PM Call an Ambulance
Worker #1: Ow! I just gave my face a paper cut!
Worker #2: Are you serious?
Worker #1: Uh...no.
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
11AM Project Meeting
Worker #1: Check it out, [Brad]'s actually being useful!
Worker #2: I don't believe it. And I'm not even going to look because I refuse to look at things that I know are lies.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker #1: [Sarah], got a minute?
Co-worker #2: No.
Co-worker #1: Neither do I.
12320 Horseshoe Way
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Supervisor: This is the best chicken since sliced bread!
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
3PM Smoke Break
Co-worker #1: What's been up?
Co-worker #2: Yeah.
Co-worker #1: You have no idea what I've just said.
Co-worker #2: Is that right?
Co-worker #1: Never mind.
10 Mackay Drive
Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia
2PM Call Jeff for Clarification
CCA #1: The client says his squirrel machine's broken. What the hell is a squirrel machine?
CCA #2: One of those things with the wheel, where the squirrels run around?
CCA #1: I don't think we provide those.
CCA #2: What's the problem?
CCA #1: He says it's broken.
CCA #2: Is he feeding it enough?
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
4PM Work on Spreadsheets
CCA: My Excel's not working.
Manager: I don't care.
CCA: What should I do if my Excel's not working and you don't care?
Manager: Call the Ghostbusters.
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
12PM Actuarial Seminar
Instructor: My entire pedagogical technique is based on James Bond.
700 Royal Avenue
New Westminster, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: SarahSideEffect
1PM Lunch
Assistant #1: So you are Jewish, right? That means you have to eat kosher food and not meat?
Assistant #2: Yes, I have to eat Kosher but I can still eat meat. I just choose to be vegetarian.
Assistant #1: That sucks you can't eat meat. I really love salmon.
69 Bloor Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM TGIF
CCR on phone: It's just that he seems to think I'm incompetent. Which, you know, I am, but anyway...
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
9AM Back to Work
Employee #1: Wearing the pinstripe today, eh? Real banker-like.
Manager: Yeah, makes me work harder. But you should see me at 4:30. I'll be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and working the park.
Employee #1: Pardon?
Manager: I'll be selling hot chocolate.
Employee #2: Is that your name there or the product you'll be selling?
3 King Street S
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: SAM BRUNTON-LEWIS
11AM EOY Staff Meeting
Manager: We're all sharks. Remember, guys.
Employee: Huh? Sharks?
Manager: Yeah, we're all like sharks. Sharks have to keep moving their whole life or they'll die. They never stop moving. So keep moving, guys! We're sharks!
Employee: So basically what you're saying is that if we stop moving, you'll kill us all?
208 Chain Lake Drive
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
12PM Project Assignments (Cont'd)
Employee: Next time, just use me! I'm a tool!
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker #1: Make sure you eat some of the leftovers from the potluck.
Co-worker #2: Okay.
Co-worker #1: And you'd better hurry before [Nick] and [Sara] get in there and stuff their faces. They give pigs a bad name.
10011 109th Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I'm like a dead person wrapped in a living person. It's like a pigs-in-a-blanket, except made out of dead people and living people.
631 King Edward Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Meet the New Girl
Office Manager: ...who knows, maybe Crystal is a very nice person.
Design Assistant: But I hate people named after rocks.
228 Gerrard Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: J.B.
4PM Get Messages
Co-worker #1: I finally found that fax you were looking for.
Co-worker #2: Great where was it?
Co-worker #1: On this 3x4 pink message pad. It was a phone message you freak.
30 Riverview Park
Red Deer, Alberta
Canadia
2PM Liberate the Slaves
Co-worker: The network people are always sending around network interruption notices telling us that the system will be down Sunday from 10-2. Like I'm working then! Besides, this is like therapy for people with BlackBerries. Free yourselves, crackberry slaves!
50 Driveway
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
9AM It Begins
Manager: Did I hear someone trying to play matchmaker? Have you routed a memo for approval?
10155 102 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: angel.girl
4PM All Hands Meeting
CEO: We can't shoot our parents until we can afford to move out of the house.
355 Burrard Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM Sitdown with Accounting
Co-worker #1: Are you dipping in the company ink?
Co-worker #2: Nope, the ink was red.
4221 74 Avenue NW
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
4PM Call Repairman--again
Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM System is Acting Buggy
Staff: You have a second?
IT: Nope, completely out of stock on those.
200 Front Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Tea Time
Manager: [Elayne], sloppy seconds?
Co-worker: Sure. It's not what it sounds like. She's asking if I
want the second half of her teabag.
740 Dundas Street East
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Database Testing
Worker #1: So how is the database server test going?
Junior Manager: Great! That new machine is going like gang bangers!
Worker #2: He, he..."gang bangers".
Junior Manager: Damn! You know what I meant.
Worker #1: Well...I guess they do work pretty hard.
13571 Commerce Parkway
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Richard Shoehorn
11AM Process Orders for 10 New Monitors (?)
Computer Technician: Wow, it's amazing what kind of difference a couple of inches can make...Have you seen [Ben]'s?
The other technicians burst out laughing.
Computer Technican: I meant his new 19" monitor. Grow up.
1035 64th Avenue SE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Coffee Break
Boss: Your brother is Wiccan?
Drone: Yes.
Boss: So he does magic?
Drone: He likes to think so.
Boss: And he's not Christian?
Drone: ...No.
Boss: So he can do whatever he wants? Like kill someone?
Drone: ...No, he still has to abide by the laws of the land.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM Douche Presentation
Client: May I ask you a question?
Patent Agent: Uh, sure.
Client: I'd like your opinion on my [douche] invention as an engineer and as a woman.
508 Riverbend Drive
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Put in Bins
Office girl: Why don't we recycle here?
Office guy: Because we're fucking trying to eliminate winter!
740 Dundas Street E
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM Just Grit Your Teeth and Deal
Manager: Remember, the customer is always right.
Assistant manager: Right, except when they're wrong.
Manager: No, they're always right.
Assistant manager: Totally, except on the odd occasion when they're wrong.
Manager: ...you are so retarded...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12PM All-Hands Meeting
CEO: It's like the dog and the tail. The tail is the reward and happiness. The dog is how you get there, the hard work.
460 Phillip Street
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Go Through Inbox
Manager: How're you doing? You're not overworked, are you? I'm not giving you too much to do, am I?
Worker-bee: No, I'm okay...
Manager: Good, because I'm just going to keep giving you stuff to do until you tell me to fuck off.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
10AM Reschedule Construction
Co-worker: No, no, on the second floor they're screwing; on the first floor they're banging.
251 Donald Street
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
11AM Distribute Atlases
Admin #1: Do you know how to spell Kazakhstan?
Admin #2: I didn't even know it existed.
79 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Finalize Schedules
Boss: Could you tell me what your holiday vacation is going to be?
Employee: I will be taking 2 weeks off as I am having a problem with my vagina.
5 minutes later: a group email asking everyone to please email their schedule.
1755 Riverside Drive
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
9AM First Thing Monday Morning?
Co-worker: I love my boss; she's the stick I use to hit other people with.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Meet the New Girl
Co-worker #1: Well, well, that's an interesting name! What backround is that?
Co-worker #2: It's Turkish.
Co-worker #1: Really! That's so interesting, because I just spent the last twenty years in Germany and there are apparently a lot of Turks there. I don't think I've ever actually met one, but there are supposed to be a lot of them there.
165 Markham Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Meeting
Employee #1: Where the hell were you?
Employee #2: In the bathroom.
Employee #1: For twenty minutes? God, I thought you were sleeping with the feces.
320 17 Avenue SW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
4PM Get More Bins
Marketing Manager: Do we have any more blue bins?
Summer minion: Oh my God, no! Those bins are disappearing like a fat kid on cake.
66 Wellington Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
9AM I Can't Deal With These People
Employee #1: What shavers do you use?
Employee #2: I use #1 on the face and #2 on my head
Employee #3: You take #1 to the face and #2 on the head?
251 Consumers Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Better Invest in Some Preparation H
Crew chief on phone: Hello?...No, I can't talk right now, my truck is on fire....Okay, I'll call you back. My truck is on fire....Okay, I'll deal with this tonight. My truck is on fire....Okay my truck is on fire, I can't really talk right now....Okay, my truck is literally on fire beneath me, I'll call you back.
303 Second Street West
Brooks, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Shane Parker
8AM Their Bedroom Banter is Annoyingly Vapid
Co-worker #1: ...no, the cervix is attached to the uterus, but it's not the uterus, the uterus is different--
Co-worker #2: You guys have the best conversations first thing in the morning.
Co-worker #3: You just missed the bit about the penis.
Co-worker #2: No, I didn't.
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM It's Different With That Metric System
Woman #1: How do you calculate the average of two numbers?
Woman #2: Um...I think you add them up, and then divide the result by 2.
Woman #1: Are you sure?
Ontario Ministry of Finance
33 King Street West,
Oshawa, Ontario
Canadia
8AM No, He Works in a Back Room. Big Whoop.
Co-worker #1: Whenever you pass by there's never anyone in there.
Co-worker #2: It's probably a Front.
Co-worker #1: It is a front; there's a fight club going on in the back room.
Co-worker #3: I know a guy that works at one of those.
Co-worker #1: He works at a fight club?
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
9PM Self-serve is Cheaper, But Kind of a Mess
Quebecois co-worker: I'm not driving there. Do you have any idea how much fucking the gas costs?
Anglo co-worker: No, and I don't think I want to find out.
9995 de Catania Avenue
Brossard, Quebec
Canadia
4PM The Wino Says It on Thursday
Suit #1: So what's the occasion for drinks after work?
Suit #2: It's Tuesday.
Suit #1: ...Isn't that what a wino says?
645 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: BJ Blazkowitz
12AM Both are Growing Nicely
Co-worker #1: How's the new baby?
Co-worker #2: She's doing great thanks!
Co-worker #1: Does she have hair?
Co-worker #2: She's got tonnes of hair!
Co-worker #1: How about eyes?
Co-worker #2: ...Yes, she has eyes...
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
7PM Our Publisher is Male; It's the Editor We're Iffy On
Employee #1: Is [Morgan] a man?
Employee #2: What do you mean?
Employee #1: Is [Morgan] a he or a she?
1559 Brunswick Street
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
1PM I Thought the Americans Were the Balmy Ones
Employee: Did you hear, there was another bombing on the subway in London?
Boss: I don't care how balmy it is in London, I wouldn't go over there right now.
217 10th Street
Brandon, Manitoba
Canadia
4PM For One, Being Canadian Never Helps Anything
Employee #1: Dude, every time we have to do heavy lifting you start drinking and then everybody sees you drinking and they want to start drinking. You need to stop drinking before the work is done.
Employee #2: I understand that you don't like me drinking before the work is done, but i dont know what the answer to this problem is.
3553 31 Street NW
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
7PM He Draws a Salary, and That's What Matters
Co-worker: For a long time I thought [Eric] was a slacker, but now that he's been sick for three days and my workload is unaffected, I've become totally convinced that he does nothing here.
101 Auto Park Circle
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
12AM Pissed Off v. Pissed On (Worst Aesop's Fable Ever)
A handicapped client has had to be restrained for assaulting a staff.
Co-worker #1: Your behaviour was completely out of line. You hit me, tried to bite me and pissed all over my leg. How would you like it if I pissed on you if I was angry at you?
Client: I wouldn't like it.
Co-worker #1: Hey [Jake], when you are angry at your girlfriend, do you piss all over her and try to bite her?
Co-worker #2: No, I don't. We talk things out and listen to each other. Why did you piss on us during the restraint?
Client: You guys were not listening to me.
2a Ormonde Avenue
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia
7PM Unfortunately His Alarm Doesn't Speak Quebecois
Guy #1: What has been happening lately, you're coming to work earlier and earlier.
Guy #2: No, I'm not.
Guy #1: Hmmm...then maybe it's me that's coming in later.
Place Jean-Paul Riopelle
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
7AM Why Anyone Would Speed To Work is Beyond Me
Co-worker #1: We should send out a memo about unsafe driving.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving on company property?
Co-worker #1: No.
Boss: Was the unsafe driving in a company vehicle?
Co-worker #1: No.
Co-worker #2: Then there's nothing the company can do about it. I mean, I speed to work all of the time.
3 Alcan Highway
Kitimat, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Nemisis
1PM Because to Be French is to Be Lame
Employee #1: So, does [Wheels] do coke? It sure as hell seems like he does.
Employee #2: No man, he's from Montreal.
Employee #1: Oh. Why does that make sense?
101 Autopark Circle
Toronto, Ontario
4PM It's Not Like They Need Volunteers, Guys
Co-worker #1: Hey guys, there's a comedy show next week to benefit breast research.
Co-worker #2: Breast research?!
Co-workers #3 & #4: Breast research?
Co-worker #1: sorry, I meant breast cancer research.
Co-worker #2: That's totally different!
685 Cathcart Street
Montreal, Quebec
Overheard by: Timmy O' Toole
12AM Go Back to Newfoundland!
Receptionist: Yeah, it's really confusing this year. All of the days of the week in March are the same as those in February.
9920 108 Street
Edmonton, Canadia
