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10AM Doesn't Take Much to Offend People in Ohio
Female tech worker #1: I need muffins.
Male tech worker: I've got muffins.
Female tech worker #2: I bet you can have some of [male tech worker]'s muffins.
Female tech worker #3: All together now...
Male and females #2 and #3: Dirrrty!
5990 West Creek Road
Independence, Ohio
Overheard by: Geek Times Infinity
3PM I Wouldn't Wait
IT guy #1: Yeah, it's my grandmother's one hundredth birthday next March.
IT guy #2: Wow, really?
IT guy #1: Yup. I'm going to send her a strip-o-gram.
7th street and 7th Avenue
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
11AM But Apparently Mom Needed That Medicine to Breathe...
IT girl on phone: ... So when she sent that e-mail saying 'ASAP,' I waited 'til five PM, just to be hateful.
4801 Main Street
Kansas City, Missouri
9AM Sacrilicious!
Tech, watching movie trailer online: Man, that's delicious. It's like drinking Jesus's sperm.
Hyde Park
Austin, Texas
12PM Or It's Turned On but Has an Alleged "Headache"
IT guy, on computer settings: If it isn't turned on, then it's probably turned off.
California
Overheard by: The breakroom
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM Or Something the Size of a Seed, Anyway
IT nerd to another: Yeah, it was just a banana hammock, but I never did much with it besides keep sunflower seeds in it and stuff.
Park Lane and Highway 75
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: cherry
10AM ... Without Being Shot
IT guy: I feel for teachers, because it's not like the good old days when you could take kids under the stairwell and pummel them.
Bush Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: just trying to finish the day
5PM He Hit the "Escape" Key and Exploded
Programmer: Does anyone want a free, almost clean keyboard?
Tech support peon: Not until you tell us what you just 'almost cleaned' off of it.
Programmer: Jeff*.
Tech support peon: Uhhh, no thanks.
Islington, London
England
9AM Reader Poll: The Gum, the Women, or the Teeth?
Tech supporter #1: There's nothing you can't do in London.
Tech supporter #2: Yeah, it's like Tijuana without the Chiclets.
Wilsonville, Oregon
Overheard by: Neal
4PM The More Meetings We Have to Improve Things, the Worse Things Get
Tech manager: The sales manager cannot take that complaint call because he is preparing to go to a CRM meeting.
Tech supervisor: What is CRM?
Tech manager: Customer relations management.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that?
Tech manager: Well, they are having this meeting so that this sort of problem doesn't happen.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that, too?
Houston, Texas
3PM We Could Call It the Swoosh Command, Sir
IT manager: You know, every application needs a command like that: 'File, just do it.'
West 3rd Street
New York, New York
11AM Still Upset about the Caulking Incident
PC tech: How's your wife?
Printer tech: Pretty good. I tried to give her a massage last night, but she said that I couldn't.
PC tech: Why? My girl loves massages.
Printer tech: She said that I'll just end up filling up a hole, and she wasn't in the mood.
West Palm Beach, Florida
1PM My Hard Drive's Been Zionized
Bored tech guy: Can I help you?
Bimbette: Yeah, um, I need an update on my anti-Semitic virus program.
Bored tech guy: You mean 'Symantec'?
Bimbette: Yeah, that's what I said -- anti-Semitic.
Quinnipiac University
Hamden, Connecticut
2PM Well, Good Talking in Your General Direction
Programmer #1: Do you watch Maggie and the Ferocious Beast?
Programmer #2: [Silence.]
Programmer #1: Well, Hamilton is the pig. I don't know his last name, but he's the pig in the show.
Programmer #2: [Silence.]
100 Larrabee Road
Westbrook, Maine
9AM Beats the Hell Out of Watching Dancing with the Stars
Tech #1: So, why did the cops pick you up, again? For dressing like a transvestite?
Tech #2: Nah, for hitting my girlfriend. She clocked me back, though, and by the time the cops pulled up we were already making out.
W 28th Street
New York, New York
1PM Every Office Has Its Own Oral History
Office tech, fiddling with printer: I'm still getting that sensor dustiness error.
Office bimbette: Oh! I know how to fix that! You have to open it up and blow. Just give it a good blow and then it's fine!
922 3rd Street
Sedro-Wolley, Washington
Overheard by: T-Rex
3PM Slightly below That Monkey Who Typed Shakespeare
IT guy: There's a spectrum between those who are completely illiterate and those who are completely literate, and the people who write the news are somewhere in-between.
Tonopah, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
2PM Dear Diary, My Plan Worked! Off to Buy Tequila.
Tech director to stagehand in pink jacket: Okay, new rule -- you can come to work drunk, but you can't dress up.
Washington Park
Albany, New York
4PM Or So They Say on the North Shore
Programmer #1: Can you kill the parent without killing the child nodes?
Programmer #2: I don't think so.
Sales guy: It's always good to get rid of the witnesses.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sales guy's neighbor
12PM My Money's Still on the Chimpanzee
IT guy: Who do you think would win in a fight, Daffy or Donald Duck?
Sales manager: Hmmm...
IT guy: You know, never mind. You're too biased.
Union Square
New York, New York
2PM Nowhere Near "Jews for Jesus" Level, Though
IT guy to another: Gay Republicans are a little more weird than Gary*.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
12PM You Know That's Only Allowed on Casual Fridays
IT tech #1: What are you doing over there?
IT tech #2: We're blowing people.
Waterview Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Dont_want_to_know
12PM Translation: I Don't Want to Understand Computers
Tech guy: The mouse won't work if it's off.
Coworker: You said reboot! I thought that meant to turn the computer off. I don't understand computers.
Midtown
New York, New York
3PM God, You Techies Are No Fun
IT guy: Hey, Kelly* just showed me her slingbox.
Boss: Reeeally?
It guy: Yeah. It works fine and everything, but I wouldn't pay for it.
Boss: If you get her drunk she'll give it to you for free!
It guy: Ohhh... I think we're talking about different things...
Boss: Reeeally?
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: Would get sick of it anyway...
4PM Sure, She Meets Lots of New People, but She Doesn't Get Their Names
Development manager: ... So then I told my wife that even if we raised our granddaughter she could still end up like her mother. I mean, she doesn't have tattoos, but she does drugs and she's a tramp.
IT analyst: Don't call your daughter a tramp, that's not nice!
Development manager: Why not? She sleeps with every Tom, Dick and Harry!
IT analyst: At least she has a social life.
1600 South 900 West
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Jealous
2PM Sorry, It Was Damaged in Transit
FedEx man: There are a lot of you women hanging around the front desk today.
Vet tech: We're all just waiting to fight over your package.
99th Street and Leavenworth Road
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Christina
11AM But Count Me In!
IT guy #1: It seriously sounded like someone was drowning a midget [makes high-pitched gargling noises].
IT guy #2, just walking in from hall: Whoa, that's not a conversation I'm normally apart of.
Richmond, Virginia
11AM And Mess with My Tried and True Regime of FreeCell and Internet Porn?
Exasperated IT guy #1: Don't you have something better to do?!
IT guy #2: Yeah, but I'm not going to do it.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
10AM Popcorn Kernels (You Pervs)
IT help desk: Mine are nothing like yours. Yours get so fluffy when I put them in my mouth.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
11AM It's the Stooges, on Conference Call
Tech on phone: Hello, sir, I'm calling to-- Yes, hello, this is Aaron* from-- Yes, hello, I'm calling to verify an order you placed wi-- Don't say 'hello' again! I know you can hear me!
216 Mitch Lane
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
12PM Unlike These Ammunition Rounds, Which Are Totally Still Live
X-ray machine attendant, picking stuffed panda up off belt: This one's dead... He didn't make it through the machine.
Airport
Los Angeles, California
5PM I'll Refer You to the Hackers' Bible...
IT guy: I don't know about your god, but my god says it's okay.
Stamford, Connecticut
10AM It Only Solves the Back End of the Problem
Engineer #1: Why on Earth do we have to use this?
IT worker: We're committed to using our own solution.
Engineer #1: Yeah, I understand the dog food rationale.
Engineer #2: The problem is that it's not dog food. It's kitty litter.
401 Elliott Avenue West
Seattle, Washington
5PM You Mean the Planter?
Blonde salesgirl on phone with IT: My computer is not working.
IT guy: Did you plug everything in right?
Blonde salesgirl: Yes! Of course! The light is on, but nothing's happening. [IT guy goes to her office, bends over, presses power button and walks out.] But the light was on!
IT guy: That's your screen. The computer is the big box on the floor.
Office, Meilleur Street
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: ID-10-T
9AM Like My Wedding
IT guy: Someone better jump out of a cake later and scream, 'Gender surprise'!
Silverlake, California
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
2PM The Army Thanked Me for My Service and Discharged Me
IT guy: ... And then I took off all my clothes and ran at them screaming. They were shooting at me but couldn't hit me.
Tysons Corner
Virginia
10AM They Always Do, Though
Tech support on phone to customer: You know what you just did? Yeah, never do that again.
Rockville, Maryland
4PM That's What the White House Staff Is For
Tech: Sometimes I think George* has never been on the Internet.
9155 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
10AM The Less I Know, the Better, Actually
Overpaid IT guy: Well, I'm here to help, but don't expect me to know what's going on.
San Francisco, California
2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft
Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.
22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily G
11AM A Move Known As "The IT Sidestep"
Temp: We found some old mice in the trashcan. I don't really think they belong in there.
Tech guy: I think that's a problem for facilities. Are they dead or alive?
Maryville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cinderella
9AM Pastriform Encephalopathy
Tech #1: I'm starving. I should live off of my excess fat, like a doughboy.
Tech #2: I've never seen the Pillsbury Doughboy eat. He's always right by food but never takes any.
Tech #1: Exactly... Hey, do you think if he ate a biscuit he would get the doughboy version of mad cow?
109 T.W. Alexander Drive
Durham, North Carolina
4PM Or Possibly a More Competent Lawyer
Programmer #1: I don't think my brother has been out of jail for Christmas or his birthday for the last six years.
Programmer #2: Maybe you should get him a subscription to Playboy?
Programmer #1: I was thinking cigarettes.
Tech center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: so glad I'm not related
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
1PM ... It's Still Fresh! Unbelievable!
Tech: When you open a Ziploc to find a severed hand...
Owings Mills, Maryland
3PM Well within Their Ability to Bleed to Death
Engineer: So, this system should give the operators a maximum of 200 blisters per minute.
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
3PM Review: Lacks Intuition
Tech #1: Phew! I just spent hours grabbing screenshots to show the manager what I've been doing.
Tech #2: Umm... You know he's blind, right?
Tech #1: So... I should send a note instead?
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not involved - really!
4PM They Revoked His Geek Credentials That Same Day
Office worker: I can't get into MAS. My codes aren't working.
Tech, after trying to enter codes: What the fuck? Now the numbers aren't even coming up.
Office worker, five minutes later: Uh, dude, you're using my calculator.
Tech: Son of a bitch!
Illinois
Overheard by: G$