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9AM They're Equally Irrelevant to Intellectual Nutrition
Teacher: Do you all know your Roman numerals?
Student: Yeah -- aren't them those noodles you eat?
Rosedale Street
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: MsTchr4678
5PM That Flogger Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Teacher: If you wish to have a discussion, raise your hand and I will call on you if you are worthy enough.
Student: I love you?
140 Brandies Road
Newton, Massachusetts
3PM No, No, Wait -- a Parking Meter!
Biology teacher: So, in conclusion, diffusion is ions separating from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.
15-year-old blonde: So it's like an orange, right?
High school
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: jess
12PM Now, for Your Homework, Copy Page 49 of the Textbook
Biology professor: You can't just come up with your own hypotheses!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM Hint, Hint.
Post-doc: I see... You condition the mouse to know that it gets a treat after you pick it up.
Professor: Exactly. 'I know I'm happy when you touch me and give me food!'
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Remember When I Accidentally Backed into You?
Kid: I have to tell you something.
Teacher: Okay...
Kid: Sometimes when I fart, I get poop in my pants.
Teacher: I don't need to know that.
Public school
Maryland
5PM Yeah, Let Me Add That to Original Sin and Slavery
Psycho parent: Look, you're not in his resource time, so he can't get help from you then.
Teacher: Yes, well, I'm teaching another class, so I can't be there.
Psycho parent: I know it's not your fault, but don't you feel like you should take some responsibility for that?
High school
Sterling, Virginia
2PM Usually That's a Line I Reserve for the Massage Parlor
Ethics professor: So, if Mr. Wiener, some new lawyer, imputed his conflict to the firm, you're going to have a lot of unhappy lawyers. They'll be like, 'You suck, Wiener!' ... Oh, God, did I just say that?
Malibu, California
Overheard by: ktmonster
11AM Then He'd Play with Them in His Crib
Disgruntled boy: ... And they put the birth control education flyer up on my locker! My locker! I'm pretty sure that violates--
Overeager Spanish teacher, popping up from behind desk: --Oh! Oh! My mother used to put condoms under my brother's pillow! We all called her the 'Birth Control Fairy'!
High school
Livingston, Montana
Overheard by: Finally appreciates the tooth fairy
2PM Yeah, Fascism Does Have Its Charms
Teacher: You should all go back in time to where I would walk in the room and you all stand up and say, 'Hello, Professor M*!'
Student: And women shouldn't have the right to vote!
Newton, Massachusetts
10AM Sorry, Feminist Theory Is Down the Hall
Professor: So, you see how within Foucault's understanding power always returns, because it is in the very organization of our thoughts?
Student in back row: Those sons of bitches!
2001 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
5PM Okay, So Part of That Was in My Head
Professor: A few years ago I had a student ask me for an alternative final because he had scheduled a vacation in Barcelona for the week of the final. I told him, 'Die, yuppie scum! And no.'
Engineering building, UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: Jessica P.
4PM Socialism Was Fleeting but the Bud Light Dog Is Forever
Teacher: Does anyone know what Sputnik was?
Student: That's, like, a dog, right?
High school
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kong
12PM And End Up Teaching in Ohio
Philosophy professor: History is written by the winners. Losers are killed... But in philosophy, losers aren't killed, they're marginalized.
Athens, Ohio
11AM Or Am I Now Cleared to Take a Pencil from the Supply Cabinet?
Professor: Do I need to sign something saying I signed something?
Langford Architecture Center, Texas A&M University
College Station, Texas
Overheard by: Faith
10AM Professor, LionsGate Films on Line #2
Literature professor: I don't mean to turn Baudelaire into a snuff film... I mean, a slasher film! A slasher film! Oh, never mind.
Batelle Building, University, Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: nic
5PM By the Three Year Mark I've Forgotten Everything but Hair Color
Poli-Sci professor: How was I supposed to remember her name? I had only lost my virginity to her five years earlier!
College
Wooster, Ohio
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
3PM That Was the Moment We Could Have Turned Back from the Brink
Student: So, now we have an extra microscope. Could we return it and get credit from the company?
Professor: Let's sell it on the black market and use the money for a really big party!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Professor Prospero Is Interdisciplinary to a Fault
Grad student presenter: ... So we think that the protein might be diffusing.
Professor: Well, according to the dream I had last night, that couldn't happen.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
3PM The Art of the Blue Job
Painting professor: I paint for people who look at art. Like, my mom will look at this and go, 'Oh, I like the blue.' And I don't have to explain to my mother that this is actually about some weird sex thing I did.
Providence, Rhode Island
4PM And Apparently Neither Do You
Teacher: That's an interesting tattoo, Jacob*!
Student #1: Thanks.
Teacher: Are you like the tattooed man from The Great Gatsby?
Student #2, after long pause: Yo, we don't read!
High school
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
2PM What about Hawaii?
Teacher-in-training #1: Did you know Alaska isn't an island?
Teacher-in-training #2: Um... Yes...
Teacher-in-training #1: Oh. 'Cause I just found out yesterday.
Lansing, Michigan
2PM I Myself Am a Pepperoni-American
Professor: America is a melting pot.
Dude: America is not a melting pot... It's more of a Lunchable. We are all in the same place, but we keep to our own little compartments.
1906 College Heights Boulevard
Bowling Green, Kentucky
Overheard by: hyacinth_hunter
11AM Built-in Redundancies
Professor: I remember that wonderful object my mother used to stick in me. [Class is silent for a moment, then hysterical.] The thermometer! One up top and one in [motions to his ass]!
Aurora, Illinois
3PM That Mathy Stuff Frightens Me
Professor: Well, then I saw that there were equations involved, so I freaked out.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
1PM Mr. Ness Monster, How Kind of You to Make It Today
Trainer during computer training class: Now, everyone use their last name and first initial as their user name and password.
Trainee #1: I did that and it says I don't exist.
Trainee #2: Me, too.
Trainee #3: Same here.
Trainer: Raise your hand if you don't exist. [Almost entire class raises their hands.]
Meek voice from the back: I exist.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
10AM Usually Just My Doorman Tells Me That
Teacher #1: So, I went to my gynecologist yesterday, and he told me I had an exceptionally nice vagina.
Teacher #2: Oh, that was nice of him.
214 Race Street
Middletown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: poor student who wanted to ask a question
5PM Can't You Hear the Quotation Marks, You Little Punk?
Teacher: Can you say, 'Open the door' in Spanish?
Preschooler: Open the door in Spanish.
Learning center
Bloomington, Indiana
2PM Mr. Hennesey Beat the Chimps at Poo Flinging
English teacher: I didn't actually get kicked out of the zoo, but they did scold me and said I couldn't come back anymore.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: What did he do to those animals?
2PM Sure, Just Pop Them an Email
Professor #1: I need some furniture for my new house, but everything here is so weird and expensive.
Professor #2: You should go up to Pennsylvania. The Amish hand-make very nice furniture, and it's not that bad price-wise.
Professor #1: The Amish... okay. Do they deliver?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
1PM Well, My Body Has Pen Pals
Korean teacher: Do you have a boyfriend?
English teacher: No.
Korean teacher: Don't you get lonely?
English teacher: Not really.
Korean teacher: Doesn't your... body get lonely?
English teacher: Did you really just say that?
Korean teacher: I'm not sexually harassing you! My English just isn't good!
Sacheon
South Korea
9AM But You'd Only Be Prosecuted for the Former
College student: So, if you stab someone and then stand there and watch them bleed to death, are you killing them or letting them die?
Logic professor: Well, I guess you would accomplish both.
Middle Tennessee State University
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
4PM Say 'Cerebellum' at the Deli Section
Teacher: I was sitting there thinking, 'If I only had a brain!' And then I thought, 'Duh! The Wal-Mart's open!'
Brookdale, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: Chris
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
10AM Geez, I'm Getting All Stressed Here
Over-zealous professor talking about tribal genital mutilation: ... So the viewers experienced more stress when they watched the people getting their genitals whacked off! They got whacked off!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
1PM It Was Riding the Deer
Teacher #1: My dad hit a deer once!
Teacher #2: Oh, really?! Did it die?
Teacher #1: Yeah, and it totally wrecked the car, too.
Teacher #2: My dad hit a cow!
Teacher #1: Oh... Well, my dad hit a whale!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: Corinne
11AM You'll Have to Find Someplace Else to Store Your Plastic Scuba Divers
Principal over loud speaker: Attention, students, I repeat: the 400-level office is not an aquarium!
Montour High School Administration Building
McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: nemo
4PM He Can Be Ready in 60 Seconds
Teacher: Can you tell me what states I might find on the West coast of the United States?
Student: The big one on the bottom. Mexico is part of the United States.
Teacher: No, that is wrong. Mexico is a country, try again.
Student: Look, my parents live here and they said we're American and they came from Mexico. It's part of the United States.
Teacher: I am telling you, you are wrong. Mexico is a country -- it has its own government.
Student: Look, if it was its own country then why is everyone just walking over here? That's what I did and I'm still here.
Another student pulls out cell: Not for long.
School, Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force
Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that's more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?
Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut
12PM Has to Be Heavily Carbonated to Face the Faculty
Student teacher: So, what is your school's policy concerning sodas? Am I allowed to bring them as long as they are in an unmarked container?
Teacher: Yes, most definitely. Some of the other schools in the area have taken out their drink machines for teachers, but our principal's a Coke addict.
4858 Lead Mine Road
Snowville, Virginia
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
3PM Have You Considered Not Sleeping?
Teacher: Explain that to me again.
Parent: I just don't gets it. I's lay with a man, and he gets me pregnant.
Teacher: Are you serious?
Parent: Look, bitch, I gots me seven kids, and I don't know where they be comin' from. You gots to help me. I goes to sleep, and then I's wake up pregnant.
Teacher: Look, I'm referring you to the counselor. This is out of my hands.
Parent: Bitch, that ain't gonna help!
Teacher: Look, I don't have a direct line with Jesus to help you out, so the counselor is the next best thing. Got that, bitch?
School
Las Vegas, Nevada
1PM ... Instead of Just the FBI and Major League Baseball
Professor: Someone hacked into the university's website, and now the Russian mafia has all of your information.
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Colleen
10AM We'll Gladly Accept Deliveries at the Back Door
Principal over loudspeaker: We're looking for someone to give us wood.
4 Robert Holcomb Way
Plainville, Connecticut
Overheard by: for a good cause
10AM Ahead of Raisins, but Not As Bad As Starbursts
Ditzy babe: Mr. Allen*? In the reading last night it said that semen had a high sugar content. Is that right?
Mr. Allen: That's right.
Ditzy babe: So, does that mean it's bad for your teeth?
AP Biology class
Rochester, New York
11AM Too Bad We're Really More about Following Orders
Professor to group of peers grading cadet exams: Wow, now this kid's going to grow up to be a serial killer.
US Military Academy, West Point
Highland Falls, New York
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher