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9AM She Drinks to Forget
Female student #1: I dunno -- maybe I should give up drinking.
Female student #2: That's never a good idea.
Female student #1: It's just that I'm older, y'know? The drinking scene is so played...
Male student, joining them minutes later: So, what are you guys doing this weekend?
Female student #1: Getting fucking hammered.
Female student #2: What happened to giving up drinking?
Female student #1: Oh, please, that was so two minutes ago.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: the iPod was just a front
9AM They're Equally Irrelevant to Intellectual Nutrition
Teacher: Do you all know your Roman numerals?
Student: Yeah -- aren't them those noodles you eat?
Rosedale Street
Fort Worth, Texas
Overheard by: MsTchr4678
5PM That Flogger Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Teacher: If you wish to have a discussion, raise your hand and I will call on you if you are worthy enough.
Student: I love you?
140 Brandies Road
Newton, Massachusetts
3PM No, No, Wait -- a Parking Meter!
Biology teacher: So, in conclusion, diffusion is ions separating from an area of high concentration to an area of low concentration.
15-year-old blonde: So it's like an orange, right?
High school
Cherry Hill, New Jersey
Overheard by: jess
10AM Why Professors Drink.
Professor: So, what did you think of the reading?
Student: Well, when I read the first part, I was like, 'Dang!'
Professor: Um...
Student: And when I read the last part, I was like, 'Dang! I mean, dang!'
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
11AM Then He'd Play with Them in His Crib
Disgruntled boy: ... And they put the birth control education flyer up on my locker! My locker! I'm pretty sure that violates--
Overeager Spanish teacher, popping up from behind desk: --Oh! Oh! My mother used to put condoms under my brother's pillow! We all called her the 'Birth Control Fairy'!
High school
Livingston, Montana
Overheard by: Finally appreciates the tooth fairy
3PM And He Brings Death to His Enemies
Student: Voldemort is like Bill Fates. He's good at marketing, but he didn't actually come up with Windows.
33 East Congress
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Stubby Boardman
1PM If Anyone Asks, We're 10-Year-Old Orphans Who Live in a Maytag Box
Sorority girl #1: I'm just worried we aren't going to have enough money.
Sorority girl #2: No, we wrote a letter to Oprah.
Auburn, Alabama
Overheard by: frightened grad student
2PM Yeah, Fascism Does Have Its Charms
Teacher: You should all go back in time to where I would walk in the room and you all stand up and say, 'Hello, Professor M*!'
Student: And women shouldn't have the right to vote!
Newton, Massachusetts
3PM All While We Were Supposed to Be Paying Attention to the Professor
Preppy student: Hey, do you guys remember that penis enlargement video we watched in business class? Yeah, that was hilarious.
529 Vaughan Road
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: oh-that-new-curriculum
10AM Sorry, Feminist Theory Is Down the Hall
Professor: So, you see how within Foucault's understanding power always returns, because it is in the very organization of our thoughts?
Student in back row: Those sons of bitches!
2001 Main Street
Buffalo, New York
4PM Socialism Was Fleeting but the Bud Light Dog Is Forever
Teacher: Does anyone know what Sputnik was?
Student: That's, like, a dog, right?
High school
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kong
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
3PM That Was the Moment We Could Have Turned Back from the Brink
Student: So, now we have an extra microscope. Could we return it and get credit from the company?
Professor: Let's sell it on the black market and use the money for a really big party!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
12PM So Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No
Art teacher: So, we'll just add some black to this painting...
Girl: Hunter, isn't black your favorite color?
Boy: It's the color of my soul.
High school, 700 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
1PM Where Do You Buy the Big Paper?
Algebra TA: Um, did anyone get this answer?
Dude #1: Well, I did, but it was after many beers and a really big piece of paper.
Dude #2: That's the philosophy of math, isn't it?
University of Pittsburgh, 3990 5th Avenue
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Didn't get the same answer
2PM Unless It's Bait, Sucker!
Student to another, after grabbing cookie from unattended table: What?! They left them out! That's like leaving food out and not expecting the rats to come!
University
Prince George, British Columbia
Canadia
4PM And Apparently Neither Do You
Teacher: That's an interesting tattoo, Jacob*!
Student #1: Thanks.
Teacher: Are you like the tattooed man from The Great Gatsby?
Student #2, after long pause: Yo, we don't read!
High school
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
2PM I'm Just Here for the Drinking
Student: Can I get a list of people who write theses?
Receptionist: You mean, the list of typists?
Student: No, I want the list of people who'll write my thesis for me.
California
3PM Thank You, Mr. Snitcherson -- I'll Take It from Here
Male student entering Principal's office: Someone's been gluing pennies to the urinal again!
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
3PM When You Get to the Skin, Stop!
Old lady to young guy during naked model drawing class: Stop undressing her with your eyes!
553 Aspicuelta
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: the model
4PM Don't Trust Anyone in Double Digits
First grader #1: Miss D.*, how old are you?
23-year-old Miss D.: Well...
First grader #2: Shhh! Don't you know you're not supposed to ask an old lady how old she is?!
Hauppauge, New York
Overheard by: Toni
1PM Mr. Ness Monster, How Kind of You to Make It Today
Trainer during computer training class: Now, everyone use their last name and first initial as their user name and password.
Trainee #1: I did that and it says I don't exist.
Trainee #2: Me, too.
Trainee #3: Same here.
Trainer: Raise your hand if you don't exist. [Almost entire class raises their hands.]
Meek voice from the back: I exist.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jas
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
11AM I Won't Even Sleep with a Man Who's Had Braces
Grad student: I'm just incapable of mounting anything remotely straight.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM So... Yes
Spanish teacher, in Spanish: Margarita, what are you doing today?
Margarita: [Mutters something in Spanish.]
Student: Did you just say, 'I'm planning to attend the party where it is raining babies'?
Margarita: Baby shower. I'm going to a baby shower!
Community college
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
5PM Can't You Hear the Quotation Marks, You Little Punk?
Teacher: Can you say, 'Open the door' in Spanish?
Preschooler: Open the door in Spanish.
Learning center
Bloomington, Indiana
2PM Human Sacrifice?
Student worker: So, Joe* only got through four buckets today, so can I just do four buckets and go home?
Supervisor: No, you can't, because Joe washed all the buckets that were over there and built that huge pyramid with them.
Student worker: Awww, man! How can I compete with him when he builds pyramids?
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
9AM But You'd Only Be Prosecuted for the Former
College student: So, if you stab someone and then stand there and watch them bleed to death, are you killing them or letting them die?
Logic professor: Well, I guess you would accomplish both.
Middle Tennessee State University
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
5PM Donnie Only Pretends to Take the Ritalin
Giftie #1: 'Quixotic' is so the best word you can make in Scrabble.
Giftie #2: It is not. The best is-- Oooh! Ice cream truck!
Bayview and Eglinton Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
2PM That's the Last Time I Dip It in Beer
Student aide #1: So, what happened next?
Student aide #2: Well, I had my eyes closed, and the next thing I know my fat-ass brother is on top of me, sucking my ear.
1121 Duvall Highway
Pasadena, Maryland
Overheard by: Disturbed English Teacher
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?
Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...
470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: pledging
10AM And That's How She Won the Intel Science Competition
Student: But she did it with a chimera.
4200 Emile Street
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Or at Least According to My Dramatic Reconstruction of the Evening
Hung-over guy on cell: I'm telling you, I didn't rape her! She said we could have sex, right before she passed out.
On way to class
Virginia
Overheard by: I wanted to follow him and keep listening
5PM ... And She Lives in Nepal
Student: If I put more stamps on it, will it go faster? My sister's birthday is tomorrow.
Middlebury College Mail Center
Middlebury, Vermont
Overheard by: Disgruntled Mail Worker
10AM I Thought That Was 'Revise Facts to Fit Hypothesis'
Five-year-old boy: I have a tooth that's loose! It's gonna come out, and then I'm gonna put it under a pillow, and then I'm gonna get money and buy a tooth, and then I'm gonna put it under my pillow and get money and buy a toy, and then an adult tooth will grow in.
Librarian: Wow! You learn something new every day!
Five-year-old boy: It's the basic law of science.
Library
Bronxville, New York
10AM Or, Like, Smart Enough to Wear a Coat
Sorority girl #1: It is so cold.
Sorority girl #2: I wish I was, like, Asian. You know, like, those masks they wear? Over their faces? That would be so warm.
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio
10AM You Know -- Australian Yoga
Guy: What are you going to do in Melbourne?
Girl: One of the days I'm there I'm going to go from bar to bar -- you know, just explore myself.
Mounts Bay Road
Perth
Australia
4PM He Can Be Ready in 60 Seconds
Teacher: Can you tell me what states I might find on the West coast of the United States?
Student: The big one on the bottom. Mexico is part of the United States.
Teacher: No, that is wrong. Mexico is a country, try again.
Student: Look, my parents live here and they said we're American and they came from Mexico. It's part of the United States.
Teacher: I am telling you, you are wrong. Mexico is a country -- it has its own government.
Student: Look, if it was its own country then why is everyone just walking over here? That's what I did and I'm still here.
Another student pulls out cell: Not for long.
School, Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College
Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!
Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
1PM He Hates It When You Use 'Abomination'
Student #1: I thought Dan* hated it when you used the word 'retarded.'
Student #2: No, Jen* is retarded, Dan is gay.
6450 South Fiddlers Green Circle
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Toddd
9AM I Think She's Good for at Least Two or Three Short Marriages
College girl #1: I was talking with my dad about it over break, and he said I really shouldn't worry about it because 90 percent of women get married. But if you think about it, that really isn't a lot. I mean, what if I'm part of that 10 percent?
College girl #2: Well, that probably includes lesbians, though.
College girl #1: Yeah! That's right! And disabled people!
Whitehead Road
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she really say that?
10AM Why Grad Students Smoke So Much Pot
Student: I can't get this essay to say what I want it to say, and you aren't helping me!
Tutor: Well, what do you want to say, exactly?
Student: That you're an idiot who isn't helping me!
Tutor: So write that.
Student: ... Are you serious?
Tutor: Sure. Write your whole essay around it if you think you can support your argument.
Student: ... But you're the TA, so you'll be grading it later, right?
Tutor: Let me put it this way -- if you can write this argumentative essay well enough that I start to take your side, then I will give you an A for the semester.
Student: Can I get that in writing?
Tutor: Sure [writes it and signs it].
Student: Sweet. I'm head of the debate team, you know.
101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland
Overheard by: can't wait to see how this one turns out...
11AM And Why Does Everyone Always Ask Me That?
Boy: I don't like Oprah. She's kind of racist.
Girl: Oprah can't be racist! She's black!
Boy: Were your parents related?
Girl: What's that got to do with anything?
710 West San Augustine, Deer Park High School
Deer Park, Texas
Overheard by: Ian Jacoby
10AM Explain Penguins, Then, Brainiac
Ghetto girl: I don't give a damn! It's too cold to be cute!
50 Hurt Plaza
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Adamn
2PM I'd Have a Camel Eat the Snow, Then Milk the Camel
Bimbette #1: Would you ever eat snow?
Bimbette #2: I dunno. Would you?
Bimbette #1: Well, imagine if you were really thirsty and in the desert and there's a whole bunch of snow...
65 St. Clair Avenue East
Toronto
Canadia
11AM The Figure '8'ish 'S' Squiggly Thing
Librarian: Jeans, brain and behavior?
Student: Uh, genes with a G.
Librarian: Like this? Gene's brain and behavior?
Student: There's no apostrophe.
Librarian: I'm not getting any results.
Student: Well, I'm pretty sure it's officially spelled with an ampersand.
Librarian: A what?
Addlestone Library
Charleston, South Carolina
10AM I'm Not Paying $4.50 to Rent Old Yeller and Find Out What We Already Know
Mom to daughter: All that matters is that the dog is dead.
Stop & Shop
Richmond, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Scratch
2PM But Are You Sassy?
Pudgy girl #1: No, it's called 'Plus-Sized Models.'
Pudgy girl #1: Shut up! We fat, girl!
10 Perthshire Road
Brighton, Massachusetts
11AM More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force
Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that's more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?
Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut
9AM Wrong on So Many Levels
Male law student #1: In chambers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison somebody is going to make them their bitch.
Male law student #2: So he said they'd pretty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law student #1: Yeah, pretty much.
Male law student #2: God, that'd be horrible.
Female law student #1: Unless you were gay. Then it'd be like heaven!
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Attaboy Finch
12PM I Have Good News
Philosophy student: Basically, all I really want is to survive until I die.
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
4PM If It's an Incomplete Bitch You Want, I'd Consider Spaying
Receptionist: Can I help you this morning?
Mom: Yes. I need a shot to keep my daughter from being a complete bitch.
Teen girl: Like they've invented that, Mom.
Chestnut Ridge Pediatrics
Woodcliffe Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mothers Anonymous
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
1PM God: I Actually Can't Stand Watching People Chew
Dude #1: I have a massive penis.
Dude #2: Dude, you don't even have pubes!
Dude #1: Want me to pull one out?
Dude #3: Do you have no shame?! Do you think God stops watching you at the lunch table?! And, Coco, you know you have an average-size penis.
Gaston Christian School, 1222 North Hope Road
Gastonia, North Carolina
1PM The Coen Brothers: We're on It!
Coworker: You know, they really need to make more Queen Latifah movies.
4501 East Virginia Avenue
Glendale, Colorado
5PM When Total Immersion Goes Too Far
Anthropology student: Hey, I got the turds for the ass game!
Locust Lane
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: don't want to know
12PM The Ballerinas Decide to Go to America
Bimbette: Hey, remember the time we broke the toilet?
Blonde: Yeah, stuff like that happens to us.
Bimbette: I wonder what will happen to us next...
Blonde: Let's have a threesome with someone famous!
Bimbette: With who?
Blonde: A Beatle... John Lennon?
Bimbette: Duh, he's in America!
Blonde: Duh, he's dead!
Bimbette: Yeah, but he's still in America.
St. Kilda Road
Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Same Cubicle, Different Pair
10AM Must've Been Their Upbringing
Little girl holding Bad Santa: Nana, can I get this Santa movie?
Grandmother: No, you can't.
Little girl: But my mommy and daddy watched it.
Grandmother: That's because your parents are bad people.
Wal-Mart
Raynham, Massachusetts
9AM Damn Health Code
Little boy looking at stuffed animal: Look, Mommy, it's the monkey that comes out of your butt!
Mother: Yes, it's the monkey that flies out of your ass. That's why we're not going back to Chuck E. Cheese's.
Learning Express
Exton, Pennsylvania
5PM And Let's Face It, You Don't Have Much Going for You besides Your Looks
Girl #1: He is so shallow!
Girl #2: Not at all, why would you say that?
Girl #1: 'Cause he's attracted to you.
3535 Monroe Drive
South Bay, California
1PM Boot Camp Is Over -- We're Goin' to War
Two-year-old girl: Up, Daddy.
Dad: No.
Two-year-old girl: Up, Daddy... P'ease?
Dad: No. C'mon, we taught you how to walk for a goddamned reason. Let's move it.
Target
Avon, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
3PM Ann Coulter Comes to Her Senses
Blonde seeing Hitler in documentary: Ewww! He's such a dickhead.
University of California Irvine
Irvine, California
Overheard by: orangepenguino
2PM Well, the Quarterback Gave Me Crabs Once...
Girl: Becky*, have you ever had jock itch?
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: kmslat
1PM Like That Time We Off-Roaded in the NYC Subway
Dude: The show was great, but the crowd made a noise like 10 thousand rats being run over by a car.
Route 9
Westborough, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Shreklichkeit
10AM Ahead of Raisins, but Not As Bad As Starbursts
Ditzy babe: Mr. Allen*? In the reading last night it said that semen had a high sugar content. Is that right?
Mr. Allen: That's right.
Ditzy babe: So, does that mean it's bad for your teeth?
AP Biology class
Rochester, New York
2PM No, for You, Dad. You've Got to Cut Back on the Krispy Kremes
14-year-old girl: Hi, I need a 36 double-D bra with no underwire and no padding.
11-year-old brother: Yeah! No padding!
Redneck dad: Son... Are you fixin' to buy one of them things for yourself?
Victoria's Secret, Apple Blossom Mall
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Joanna
10AM ... They Ooze
Chick #1: Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a penis when you wear that hood?
Chick #2: I do not!
Chick #3: You should see her when she runs in that hood. Then she really looks like a penis...
Chick #2: Penises don't run!
Saint Francis University
Loretto, Pennsylvania
10AM They Told Me It Only Happens after Sex with Boys
Girl #1: I'm not pregnant.
Girl #2: Oh, good! I found out this weekend that I'm not pregnant, either.
Boarding high school dorm
Beverly, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Teacher in the hallway... like they were trying to go through this together?
11AM Jaguar: Ironically, My Married Name Is 'Lion'
Young girl: Mr. Lion! Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: I think that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Hello, Mr. Lion!
Mom: That's not a lion, sweetie, that's a jaguar.
Young girl: Okay, mom, but I can't say that word. Mr. Lion!
Woodland Park Zoo
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: James
4PM Specifically, Vinegar and Onion Pringles
White girl: So, what do you mean you guys don't have stockings on Christmas?
Hispanic girl: Spanish people's Christmas is more about expensive electronic gifts.
White girl: I just don't understand -- you also use all new decorations every year.
Hispanic girl: Yeah, we don't really do tradition well.
White girl: Spanish people are weird.
Black girl: Yeah, well, white girls smell like potato chips.
789 Howard Avenue
New Haven, Connecticut
1PM He's Got a Business Model on the Tip of His Tongue
Student #1: I had a real question! I really wanted to know the answer, and he acted like it was a joke.
Student #2: So. what was the question?
Student #1: How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?
Student #2: ... What, there's no punch line?
Student #1: That's what my teacher asked, but I really want to know the answer -- it's a valid question!
Student #2: Well, I'll ask my uncle next time I see him.
Elevator, Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher
11AM Future Conservative Policy Advisor
Chemistry student: You know what? Every year I hear about global warming, and then, like, three months later, it gets cold again!
Class: [Stunned silence.]
Parkland High School
Allentown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Out-Of-Here-In-Six-Months
2PM We Know You Put Eggs In! Give It a Rest Already!
Sophomore: Dude, I really want a taco right now, but it's early in the morning...
Friend, leaning in: Nah, that depends on what kind of taco you're talking about. There are different kind of tacos... Heh, heh, you know what I mean?
Sophomore: Dude, shut up!
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thanks Captain Obvious
9AM Never Again
German teacher: Well, we're going to have to relocate to another classroom for a while. It seems there's a rat problem in this one.
Student: Are you going to gas them?
Glenunga International High School
Adelaide, South Australia
2PM Nah, Nobody Anywhere Cares What You Say
Professor: A modern example of the peasant revolt of 1381 are the anti-poll tax riots that took place under Margaret Thatcher. She refused to work with the public, and it brought down her government. We should take a lesson from this... I hope there are no microphones in here.
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Hopes There Aren't
3PM Dude, Stop Matriculating
TA: Okay, I want you all to close your eyes and imagine a woman. Now, what does she look like? Give me features.
Student #1: She has dark hair.
TA: Okay, good. Anything else?
Student #2, enthusiastically: She's naked!
301 Heller Drive
Santa Cruz, California
2PM Plus, Their Prior Behavior Had Been Exemplary
Professor: Does anyone have questions about the importance of the flood myth in the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh?
Student: Well, when it flooded and everything died, what happened to all the fish?
Professor: Well, it was a flood... So I think they were okay...
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Stared in disbelief
5PM A Dream: Curdled
High school girl: I'm gonna name a cheese after you, Mr. L.*!
Mr. L.: If you actually had the power to do that, I'd be very flattered.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
12PM They're So Cute When They're Young
Boy piano student #1, pencil poised under buttocks: Dare me to sit on this?
Boy piano student #2: You'll hurt your testicles.
Girl piano student: Guess what? Dr. Evil's dad made him shave his testicles!
Boy piano student #2: But testicles don't grow hair.
Piano studio
Florida
3PM How Was My Penmanship, for Example?
Student to professor: So, the only comment you made on my paper was that I completely missed the point of the assignment... So everything else was okay?
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
12PM No, the Moral Is 'Don't Anthropomorphize Numbers'
Teacher discussing domain and range: Alright, here's a good way to look at it. Okay, so think of the number four as a child. And two is its father, because two squared is four. But wait, couldn't negative two squared also be four? That's why you need to limit the domain to be 'X is greater than zero.'
Girl student #1: So, the moral of the story is to keep your housewife away from the mailman?
Teacher: Uh...
Girl student #2: Oh my god! My mailman is so hot!
High school
Florida
9AM Fox Unveils Its New Advertising Strategy
Student walking into class late: The bad news is, I am late. The good news is that my intramural football team won the championship.
Professor: What is your team's name?
Student: The Jack Bauers.
Professor: Is that the guy from 24? I can't get into that show...
Student: Because you hate freedom?
Capital University Law School
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: captain awesome
1PM We May Need to Go to Godiva for That
Dad: Come on, guys, pick out a gift and let's go...
Son: I know what we're giving Mommy.
Younger daughter: A big butt! A really big B-U-T-T!
Barnes & Noble
Glendale, Arizona
Overheard by: Blue Girl In A Red State
10AM What I Meant to Say Was I'm Pro Racial Segregation
Girl: I don't know, I just hate it when they mixed the coloreds and the whites.
Random passerby: What?
Girl, loudly: What? Ohhh! I mean Christmas lights! I swear. I like houses that are all decorated the same way.
Friend: Just stop talking.
Girl: I am such a dipshit.
43 Leonard Street
Belmont, Massachusetts
Overheard by: i was confused too
4PM Excuse Me, Do You Carry Lead Condoms?
Student studying energy, to another: Do you think this a controlled or uncontrolled nuclear erection?
International School of Milan
Milan
Itlay
9AM And for My Presentation, I'll Be Performing 'Bop Gun'
Third grader: Hey, for our project do we gotta write about a black person?
Teacher: No, you don't have to write about a black person.
Third grader: My mom wants me to write about George Clinton.
Teacher: Do you mean Bill Clinton?
Third grader: Nah, I meant Thomas Jefferson.
Teacher: Oh, he's okay.
7th Street & Sansom Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Teacher Noga
1PM It's All in My GlyphsNotes
Student: Yeah, my name is Frank, but I go by Franco, only the 'O' isn't an 'O,' it's a sun glyph.
NIC, CDA
Idaho
11AM That Certainly Gives You More Career Choices
30-something coworker to staff member's nephew: So, you can get weapons... Can you also cast spells and do magic?
Nephew, playing a medieval computer game: Yeah. That's called 'Religion.' Some people get really into religion, but I don't. I just like killing stuff.
University of Sydney office
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Wil Dog
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Get 'em Blessed, You Mean?
Student: Let's play the penis game!
Religion class, All Saints High School
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
10AM Some Guys Give You the Coke Directly
Chick: 'Cause, you know, if you're fucking a guy and you need, say, 10 or 20 dollars, he should give it to you, no questions asked.
880 Roosevelt Boulevard
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Norcross
11AM That's My Time!
Old lady, told class would run late: I have to get home and toss my husband's salad!
Class erupts with laughter, and the boy next to her explains the innuendo.
Old lady: If I was going to lick his ass, I'd say so... But it isn't something I'd do before dinner.
CCSN campus
Las Vegas, Nevada
9AM I Probably Would Never Do That with a Real Baby
Girl #1: Um, where is your baby?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Your baby -- where is it?
Girl #2: Shit.
Girl #1: You forgot it, didn't you? You know those things have computer chips in them that register every time it cries or burps or poops, right? Your grade depends on that chip's happiness!
Girl #2: Um, I think I left it in my boyfriend's truck... since Thursday.
Home Economics class, Ironwood High School
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Miss, Your Tail Light Is Out
Girl: I don't care! I am all for police brutality. Seriously! I don't care!
900 University Avenue
Riverside, California
Overheard by: i live too close to los angeles
12PM The Proper Medical Term Is 'Gazinta'
Cheerleader: What's that muscle called? My 'gunna'?
Coach: What? Your gunna? What are you talking about?
Cheerleader, pointing to her groin: My gunna, it hurts.
Coach: You mean your groin?
Cheerleader: Yeah, my gunna hurts.
Coach: Jesus.
610 W 4th Street
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: and this is my future?
10AM I'm Never Going Back to Girls, Man
High school senior #1: That's an awesome bruise you've got there.
High school senior #2: Yeah, I punched a squid. You know that's how we get ink? We squeeze them.
High school
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: Alleged pre-calc student
2PM ... Impotence, Incontinence, Flatulence, Priapism...
Training instructor: You should not upgrade the software right when a patch comes out. Sometimes it may have bugs.
Student: So, it's like when you take a drug, sometimes it can have side effects like---
Training instructor: Yeah, but let's keep the discussion focused on software.
Student: ---Throwing up, vomiting...
Training instructor: Uh, yeah.
Madison, Alabama
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
9AM They Can't Recruit, So They Have to Reproduce
College boy #1: She's engaged now.
College boy #2: What?!
College boy #1: Yeah, she just got engaged, like, a week ago.
College boy #2: That's gay.
12th & Q Street
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Confused
9AM He Learned Science in Kansas
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, 'So, are these minerals... are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there...? Like, in the real world?'
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
11AM Nope, Sold Them to the Gypsies to Pay the Bills
Student: Mrs. Smith*, do you have any kids?
Mrs. Smith: No, I don't have children.
Student: Did somebody steal them?
1212 Cheyenne Boulevard
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Sheri
9AM Thanks for the Gratuitous Prejudice, Though
Freshman #1: So I talked to my ex-girlfriend from high school this weekend. She's totally changed and she's dating this jerkish guy.
Freshman #2: Turkish, or jerk-ish?
Random chick turning around to join conversation: I hate Turkish people.
Freshman #1: Jerkish.
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: thinking she was armenian
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
2PM Me Jane. Tarzan Away on Business
Guy: How are you going to tell your mom that you didn't do your homework because you have a gorilla fetish?
Girl: It's not a fetish, I'm just curious about their... stuff.
Guy: It's still fucked up.
Washington Avenue Bridge, University of Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minnesota
9AM Not Knowing Is Better Than Thinking It Means 'Imply'
Student: I just read the stupidest word on my Bio diploma. 'Infer'? What the fuck does 'infer' mean?
1200 Festival Road
Sherwood Park, Alberta
Canadia
3PM You Are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
Marketing professor: How many countries are in Africa? I'm going to go around the room, and each of you give me a number.
Student #1: 50?
Student #2: 62?
Student #3: 54?
Marketing professor to sorority girl: How many do you think?
Sorority girl: I thought Africa was a country.
Peoria, Illinois
12PM Unless You Want to Be Skinny
College girl #1: I keep thinking I should smoke more often.
College girl #2: That's probably not a valid assessment.
Binghamton University
Binghamton, New York
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
12PM Waistline: It's the Cheesesteaks
Harvard MBA student: So, are you flying back tonight? What airport are you flying into? New York?
Suit: Why would we fly to New York? We're from Philadelphia.
Harvard MBA student: I didn't know Philadelphia had an airport.
Suit: It's the fifth-largest city in the U.S., of course it has an airport.
Harvard MBA student: Largest city? Based on what?
Suit: Uh, population...
Harvard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Not hiring any MBAs
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
5PM What's That on Your Upper Lip?
Professor: Given the above table, who thinks penguin milk has less fat than seal milk?
Half the class raises their hands.
Professor: How many think penguin milk has more fat than seal milk?
Other half raises their hands.
Professor to TA: This is a bad sign.
UC Davis
Davis, California
Overheard by: someone easily tricked at 8am sans coffee
1PM They're in the Faculty Freezer Now
Teacher: Hugh*, why are you out in the hallway? You should be in the classroom.
Student: Well, I had skidmarks in my underpants so, you know, I was putting them away...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: another teacher
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
4PM And I'm Starting to Wonder about You
Guy: Humans are the only mammals that rape face-to-face.
Girl #1: What about dolphins?
Girl #2: But sharks don't. Sharks dance.
Guy: Sharks aren't mammals.
Girl #2: Oh yeah, you said mammals. But penguins don't.
Guy: Penguins aren't mammals either.
Tucson, Arizona
10AM Usually If You Hate the Jews, You Just End up Getting Slapped on the Wrist for a DUI in Malibu
Teen boy: Did Walt Disney hate the Jews?
Teen girl: No, I don't think so. I mean, that's not why he died or anything.
Harper Road
Clemmons, North Carolina
Overheard by: Po
11AM Tell You What -- Half Price for You. You Can Give the Six Dollars to Me
Girl #1: Ummm, we need to make copies, and we don't want to spend a lot of money.
Student worker: The copier over there is 10 cents, same as everywhere on campus.
Girl #1: That's so expensive!
Student worker: You could also scan the papers and print them out. That's free.
Girl #1: What do you mean?
Student worker: Ummm, you can put them on the scanner, hit 'Scan,' and then when they pop up, hit 'Print.'
Girl #1: I don't know about this whole scanning thing -- it sounds really complicated.
Girl #2: But that sounds better than making copies. I mean, we only need 12, and I don't want to spend 12 dollars.
Campus library, Bemidji State University
Bemidji, Minnesota
2PM Can We Say I'm in St. Tropez?
Teen boy: I want you to keep writing for the school newspaper. You can be our foreign correspondent!
Teen girl: Foreign? I'm not foreign just because I left the school.
Teen boy: Yes, you are. You're so far now.
Teen girl: I'm on the other side of Scarborough, and you're saying I might as well be in Bolivia!
Teen boy: We can say you are, if you want.
Ontario Universities' Fair, Metro Toronto Convention Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: made me laugh
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
1PM I've Had Problems with Extra-Crispy
Girl: No! It was a regular chicken suit!
University of Missouri-Columbia
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Hop-15
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
5PM It Was His Midterm Exam; He's a Plumbing Sciences Major
College guy #1: Hey, man. You escape?
College guy #2: Yeah man. I took out the toilet and went through the wall.
333 Western Ave
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: someone standing in line just in front of them
5PM Especially When it Leaks out the Hole in my Side
Student: Ooooh, grape juice! I love drinking grape juice. It makes me feel like Jesus.
Eastern Kentucky University Dining Commons
Richmond, Kentucky
11AM Needless to Say, the White one is Whole Foods
Classmate #1: I'm gonna shave your head and sell your hair on the black market!
Classmate #2: Why would black people want his hair?
Classmate #3, after laughter subsides: Where is the black market, anyway?
Mt. Vernon High School
Mt. Vernon, Texas
11AM NewsFlash: Student Expelled for Refusing to 'Dumb Down' Answers
Teacher: Scott*, can you give the next answer?
Student: Religion is the belief in a supernatural and the relationship with this being.
Teacher: Could you please speak normally next time?
Student: I am.
All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
1PM The Best Diagnosis Canada's Health Services Have Been Able to Come Up With
Student #1: Do you have a learning disability or something?
Student #2: Yeah. I'm ADD.
Student #1: Oh.
Student #2: Just kidding! I'm just stupid.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
Overheard by: Going to class
11AM So I Knew All the Questions Ahead of Time
GRE taker #1: That math section sure was hard.
GRE taker #2: Yeah, I was real confused with the angle-side-angle calculations.
GRE taker #1: I thought it was tough, too, but thankfully I took astrology last semester.
Fayetteville State University
Fayetteville, North Carolina
11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
New York, New York
Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid
5PM I Clung to the Ceiling Until the Board of Regents Granted Me Tenure
Japanese professor: The peroxides are very volatile. If you drop them, we have to be out of the building before they hit the floor.
Grad student: I won't drop them.
Japanese professor: And only Japanese ninja can move that fast.
Grad student: OK.
Japanese professor: I am well trained in the art of the ninja.
10900 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
11AM The Tweedle Boys Go to College
Teacher: All right, then, so what are some of the languages that influenced the English language?
Student #1: Canadian!
Student #2: You're dumb. This is Brit Lit... so obviously, British influenced the English language.
4771 Campus Drive
Irvine, California
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
11AM From the Ancient Canadian Folk Tale 'Chickens Are from Hell, Eh?'
Teen #1: I swear, those chickens were from hell.
Teen #2: All chickens are from hell.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
Canadia
11AM Abigail Adams: Hellooo! That's What I Was Saying!
Postdoc: No, my landlord won't allow two people living in the apartment.
Grad student: But it's just your wife living with you.
Postdoc: Right.
Grad student: But wives don't count as people!
Carl Icahn Laboratory
Princeton, New Jersey
2PM I Can't Wait 'Til the Nuns Check!
Tween girl #1, going through underwear: Oh my God, so I could, like, totally get the blue ones and wear them on school spirit day!
Tween girl #2: Totally!
Victoria's Secret
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Becky
11AM As Close to a Date as I.T. Guy Will Ever Get
I.T. desk guy: Can I help you?
Annoyed studentess: Is this where you're supposed to go to change your grades?
I.T. desk guy: Afraid not. You'll want to try Professor Lucifer. He's in office 666.
Annoyed studentess: Oh, okay. So that's on the sixth floor?
Aderhold Center, Georgia State University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iain M.
3PM Travel Planning
Professional: So, at the conference we stay four people to a room, two to each double bed.
Student worker: Two people in a double bed?! Can two people even fit in a double bed if they aren't having sex?
60 Washington Square South
New York, New York
Overheard by: amused queer
10AM Guided Practice
Student: Crap, I don't know how to start.
Teacher: I can't help you.
Student: Why not?
Teacher: If I knew this kind of crap do you think I'd be working at this ghetto school?
1133 Mission
Oceanside, California
1PM Student-Teacher Conference
Teacher: That's an interesting name. It is a type of flower right?
Student: Yeah, but I am a hard flower. I am so tough, I am almost a weed.
1001 SW Avenue M
Belle Glade, Florida
Overheard by: substitute
11AM Next Generation of Workers
Mother to son: Don't play with that stapler!
Passerby: Happy take your kid to work day.
One Easton Oval
Columbus, Ohio
2PM Software Course
Student: I think a couple tweaks will make it better. Don't worry; you'll have my evaluation on your desk in a few minutes.
Instructor: I really need it. Should I get on my knees?
Student: Um.
430 South Capitol Street SE
Washington, DC
4PM Send Out Tuition Check
Housing: You need to sign this form that talks about the potential risks of lead paint.
Student: Lead paint? Could that be dangerous?
Housing: No.
Student: Really?
Housing: Well, I wouldn't lick the walls.
400 West 119th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: djlindee
2PM Back Up Hard Drive
Student: Can you back up my papers and stuff?
Technician: Sure, how much is there?
Student: About four gigabytes...it's mostly porn but there are some papers mixed in there somewhere.
16 Petrarca Drive
Kent, Ohio
4PM Pick Up Kids
Cheerleader: It sucks that Halloween is on a Monday this year.
Football player: Dude. I hate when they do that to me.
19501 Outer Drive
Dearborn, Michigan
2PM Send Off Tuition Check
Admissions clerk: Can I help you?
Student: I didn't get credit for a class I took this summer.
Admissions clerk: Did you go to class?
Student: Sometimes.
Admissions clerk: Did you pay for the class or do you have a student loan?
Student: No.
120 White Bridge Road
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Susan Fanning
7PM It's Been a Long Week; Go Home!
Student: How are you doing?
Staff: Nothing much. What's going on with you?
Student: Fine, thanks.
108 E. Dean Keeton Street
Austin, Texas
6PM Yeah, We're Two Weeks Behind
Girl: Yeah, I'm trying to apply for chemical engineering, but when I go to fill out the online application, it says that it's closed, but then it says that the deadline isn't until March 1st!
Student worker: It's April...
Clueless co-ed: But..oh...wait...January...February...March...Oh! Oh, so, like, March is before April?
1 University Station
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: m.kyti
4PM Basically, Just Repackaging Dale Carnegie
Girl: I think grad school is slowly sucking away my soul.
Guy: Oh, come on. Like you ever had a soul?
Girl: At least we could probably make a book out of this.
Guy: Indeed. Chicken Soup for the Soulless?
1745 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM I Think My Brain Just Froze, Too
Trainer: What does the prefix "ante" mean?
Student: Against
Trainer: No, this is spelled a-n-t-e. It means before.
Student: Yeah, like antefreeze0
Trainer: Huh?
Student: You know, you have to put it in the car before it freezes.
120 Broadway
New York, NY
