11AM And Be Miserable?

President: Thank you for coming to our annual Christmas party. Where do you work?
New guy's new girl: I'm in private wealth management.
President: You seem very nice. Can I give you one piece of advice?
New guy's new girl: Sure.
President: Don't wait too long to get married and have kids.

1 Cranberry Hill
Lexington, Massachusetts

2PM If He's Gonna Kill Me, I'm Going for Broke

Lady with sick cat: My husband is going to kill me if I spend any more money on this cat.
Man with dog: That's sad that you're married to someone that's like that. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my pets.
Lady with sick cat: You want to go get a beer after this?

Jersey Avenue
Port Jervis, New York

9AM Sheer Force of Will

Geriatric waitress: Hi, how y'all doin'?
College guy: Great. You?
Geriatric waitress: Ehhh, I'm a little stoned. Gotta do something to put up with these drunk assholes and teenagers.
College guy: Sweet.
Geriatric waitress: You kids like Michael Jackson? Heard he was touring again.
College girl: Oh, yeah! I heard about that. I'm pretty stoked.
Geriatric waitress: Me, too! I loved his music. But geez, how can a gorgeous black man turn into an ugly and scary-lookin' white girl?

Pancake place, Cherry Hill Road
College Park, Maryland

Overheard by: High On Life

12PM Right from the Start, It's Been a Hard Job

White shirt: Who is in charge of the build here?
Blue shirt: I am in charge of getting it up.
White shirt: Okay, so you're the erection supervisor.

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

9AM You're on Your Own, Pal

Visitor making fresh coffee in break room: Does this office make coffee with one packet or two?
Employee: Usually one... But there are factions...

1920 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia

5PM Are We Done Sharing Now?

Distracted sexy woman: I'm in room 7439*.
Bellman: I'm happily married.

Hotel and casino
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Laurence Crews

2PM Get Out the Bear Mace, Sweetie

Passenger: My daughter is burning that DVD for you. I'll drop it by when she's done it.
Station worker: Thanks! You really don't have to.
Another mother, to her toddler: Sound's like someone's breaching copyright!

Turramurra Station
Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Andrew

4PM An International Passport Breakfast, Please

Waitress: How are you doing today, sir?
Man: I'm on work release.
Waitress, suddenly nervous: Oh... okay. I'll be right back.

Pancake house
Lawrence, Kansas

Overheard by: Rachel

10AM Can't Talk. Playing Pong.

Old guy, about computer monitor: What do you all stare at on these things?

745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

9AM Some Mornings I Forget to Attach It at All

Guy descending escalator: Every time I pull down my pants I look down and it's like, 'Oh! I forgot it was there.'

Pier 70
Seattle, Washington

1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart

Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!

Evanston, Wyoming

10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope

Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.

Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

10AM They Failed to Change the Filter, Though

Lawyer: So, you can recall that you've had at least one abortion.
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: So, was this an overnight procedure or something like an outpatient procedure?
Witness: Oh, it was in and out -- just like changing oil.
Court reporter: [Gasps.]

Norfolk, Virginia

4PM And This Week I'm Retaining Fluid

Security guard: What's your pant size?
Male shop-lifter: I don't know... I just started wearing girls' pants last week.

101 Clearview Circle
Butler, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Charpie

11AM The Thin Line between Clean and Dirty

Italian musician in broken English: Excuse... Can you... wash... my instrument?
Agent: What?
Italian roadie: He wants to know if you have a cloth to clean his instrument.
Agent: Oh. Oh. Okay. God, I almost just smacked him!
Italian musician: Wash my instrument now?

Vienna
Austria

4PM Sadly, Brad Never Graduated from the Simulator

Dude: Are you looking at pictures of naked women again?
Man: What kind of stupid question is that?
Dude: Yeah, sorry.
Man: Why don't you ask me what I'm breathing? 'Breathing some air there, huh? Boy, you sure do like your air.'
Dude: Yeah, I know, sorry. Hey -- that one's pretty.
Man: Tell me about it.

Starbucks
New York, New York

10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away

Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?

University and 30th Street
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Zombie

5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?

Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...

470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana

Overheard by: pledging

3PM And That Conversation Got Me to Turn My Life Around

Cop: What's your name?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?
Gangbanger: Derrick Johnson*.
Cop: Where do you live?
Gangbanger: Huh?
Cop: Huh?

5200 W Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois

11AM I'm Also a Little Unclear on This 'Hat' Concept

Woman: My boyfriend wants the Florida Marlins hat with the swordfish through the 'F.'
Man: You mean the marlin through the 'F'?
Woman: What's a marlin?

Charlestown, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Taylor

2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?

Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.

Beaverton, Oregon

Overheard by: brian

1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!

80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!

2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania

2PM The New Racism

Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!

Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California

10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have

Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.

Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York

Overheard by: Other Cashier

2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds

Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.

Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

3PM A Whacking Good Reason

Female customer #1: They have lotion in the women's bathroom that is phenomenal.
Female customer #2: There was a line for the women's room, so the owner let me use the men's room when nobody was in it. They didn't have any lotion in there.
Man: There's probably a good reason for that.

3520 Erie Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Please tell me you washed your hands

10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up

Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.

Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia

3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat

Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?

Caesars, Indiana

Overheard by: Fatty

9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting

Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!

14th St & 6th Ave
New York City

Overheard by: seriously?

1PM He's Manager for a Reason

Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.

Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

3PM The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them 'Delis'

Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.

Wilton, Connecticut

Overheard by: Derek Paruolo

10AM I'm Gonna Say Courtney Love, But That's Just a Shot in the Dark

Girl caller: Hi, I want to report a woman lying facedown in the road.
Police receptionist: What does she look like?

Rosemead, California

10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise

Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?

Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

10AM But I'm Watching You, Pal

Security guard: Um, we have a problem here.
Traveler: And what might that be?
Security guard: Do you have any other form of identification? Your driver's license is expired.
Traveler: No, it's not... this is 2006.
Security guard: You may pass.

General Mitchell Airport
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Feeling Secure

5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault

Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.

1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Lauren

11AM It's an L.A. County Law

Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.

North Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Jen

12PM Oh, Okay. Tweetie.

Teen girl, holding a bag with a dead bird inside: My grandfather called earlier about getting this bird checked for West Nile virus. He found it in his yard.
Office clerk: Ok, I remember talking to him this morning. I need to get some information from you first. Now, what was his name?

The girl's eyes get big, and she looks at the bag.

Office clerk: No, not the bird's name. I need to know your grandfather's name.

616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana

Overheard by: Vicky

3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana

Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?

Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.

Avon Target
Avon, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

2PM They Prefer to Be Called...Um... Something Different This Year

Older woman #1: What are you going to do while you're here?
Young man: Oh, I'm gonna shop like a mofo!
Older woman #1: Mofo? What is that?
Older woman #2: What does that mean?
Young man: Uh...it, uh...means I'm gonna shop a lot!
Older woman #2: Oh...Is that a Negro term?

Victoria, British Columbia
Canadia

Overheard by: J. Max

12PM Just a Little One That Will Change the Way I See Things

Female customer: My sunglasses are broken. One of the screws fell out, and a guy in here yesterday said they would replace them with a new pair.
Woman behind counter: Oh, I remember you. You're just looking for a screw, right?
Female customer, after entire store stops laughing: Aren't we all, really?

1051 North Rush Street
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Standing behind you

3PM They Both Felt It Was Time For a Starter Marriage

Hostess: I don't know why they're getting married. They don't even have kids!

45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana

12PM No, He's Reading Too Loud

Children's librarian: Do you mind?
Chick with breast exposed, nursing her baby: I'm sorry, is he sucking too loud?

York County Library
Rock Hill, South Carolina

11AM The Problem Is Living in a Shoe and Not Knowing What to Do

Large lady: You know if you are a Goth, they take your children away.
Old lady: That's not true! I have ten children, and I wear a lot of black clothing.

North Station Commuter Rail
Boston, Massachusetts

1PM No, That's Question #15

Nurse, pointing to birth control questionnaire: Ma'am, I think you answered this question incorrectly.
15-year-old girl: No, that's right.
Nurse: It asks how long you've been with your current partner. You said five minutes.
15-year-old girl: That's how long it took.

616 Court Street
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Vicky

11AM Nah, Turns Out It Was Just a Life Insurance Scam

Person #1: I just read that there has been a 104% increase in the numbers of lost or stolen cows recovered in Texas and Oklahoma.
Person #2: So they found 4 more cows than were actually lost?

650 California Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Gilligan

12PM Anyway, Meeting's Cancelled; Wanna Go Looting?

Flood vic #1: So I said to my boss, "I won't be able to make the meeting in NYC, because my house is flooded and I had to evacuate."
Flood vic #2: So what did she say?
Flood vic #1: She said that she was stressed out about having to cancel the meeting and incoveniencing the people in NYC.

Flood shelter cot

Overheard by: sitting on a cot waiting for Noah.

10AM Disingenuousness Is Part Of My Professional Persona

Receptionist, on phone: Ocean View* Escrow
Processor: Darlene* please.
Receptionist: She's on the other line. Would you like to hold?
Processor: I'd love to.
Receptionist: Really?
Processor: Not big on sarcasm, are you?

1950 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Matt

12PM Dear Diary, Failed Emotional Intelligence Test Today

Older man: So, are you hungover?
Younger woman: No. Why? Do I look hungover?
Older man: No. I just wanted to start a conversation, and I don't know what else to talk to you young people about.

501 Second Street
San Francisco, California

5PM That's a Wrap