4PM Why Do I Always Get the Callers with the Tough Questions?

Caller on speakerphone: Is so-and-so in?
Office girl: No, he's out for the week.
Caller on speakerphone: Okay, well, I had you transfer me to what's-his-name before. Is he in?
Office girl: No, I think he's gone for the day.
Caller on speakerphone: Do you even work there, or are you just an answering service?
Office girl: Ummm...

Wisconsin Avenue NW
Washington, DC

12PM They Could Call Me Peter Dust-Pan

Receptionist: You know He-Man and how when he lifts his sword he gets a sudden jolt of steroids?
Stylist: Yeah.
Receptionist: Well, wouldn't it be awesome if I could lift the broom and become a broom god?!
Stylist: Um, no.

Barber shop
Noblesville, Indiana

12PM 'Cause I'm Getting Hungry

Secretary on phone: So, ummm, yeah -- I just wanted to check if your horse still had his boy bits or not...

Perth
Australia

1PM For the Last Time, Attending to Your Cuticles Isn't Your "Job"

Receptionist: Ugh! I don't understand how I can do my job when the phone keeps ringing!

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: doing her job

4PM You Get Used to Double-Entry Is the Best I Can Say

Receptionist: You can do that while you're sleeping?!
Accounting girl: Well, yeah.
Receptionist: ... Does it feel good?
Accounting girl: [Shrugs.]

Hutchinson, Kansas

Overheard by: The Temp

1PM And Send Off a Whole Bunch of Crap

Secretary: I gotta shit... I mean, I gotta check my e-mail.

900 N Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: say what?

2PM No Good Will Come of Doing the Math on This

Receptionist, twirling: I love my skirt today. It's lovely. It's all loose and twirly.
Admin assistant, passing by: Just like you!
Receptionist, brightly: Better than being tight and clingy!

Boston, Massachusetts

5PM Meet Baltimore's Best Receptionist

Receptionist: I just want to punch you in your eye 'cause you're getting too upset!

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Nikki

12PM But Being a Western State Is So Much Cooler

Secretary: Do you think Texas is a southern state?
Wise woman: I guess.
Secretary: It is the furthest south you can go.

2200 Neal Street
Commerce, Texas

Overheard by: Gibby

3PM She'll Do Anything to Boost The Simple Life's Ratings

Salesman: Hello, Nicole*.
Receptionist, collapsing on the floor: Oh my god! I'm throwing myself off the building!

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Temporary Receptionist

11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?

Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.

2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona

10AM Even the Attorney General Can't Do That Indefinitely

Helper: You're wonderful -- like a pie face.
Receptionist: Like a pie face? Wonderful people are like pie faces?
Helper: Um, obviously you don't understand I have my own language.
Receptionist: ... Well, then what's a pizza foot?
Helper: Look, you can't just be making things up!

4601 Spicewood Springs Road
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Nator

4PM But It Turns Out I Was Wrong

Receptionist on phone in earshot of a client: She said that she told her manager, 'I hate my fucking job.' I told her that it was completely inappropriate to say 'fuck' at work.

Austin, Texas

9AM Purring and Headbutting Means She Likes You

Receptionist: I told him, 'It doesn't matter if she's weird or if she meows like a cat, she's still your teacher...'

4 Choke Cherry Road
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: I never had teachers like that

4PM If It Makes Any Difference, I'm a Man

Receptionist: Girl, you're young, you're skinny, you've got a boyfriend who makes you happy, and you're not cramping. You were doomed to have a shitty week here before you walked through that door.

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: They're not bitter or anything, though...

10AM Um, You Must Be Very Popular

Receptionist: Well, I wouldn't know. I don't go into the men's room.
Cintas lady: That's where I get most of my pleasure at!

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Nikki

10AM How America Keeps Its Suits in Line

Receptionist: With girls it's okay to imagine things and dream. Boys, you do that, you're gay.

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: True Believer

2PM Oh, Yeah, You Gotta Keep Your Pool Clean

Receptionist #1: You know, I need a big, magic tool. One that doesn't take batteries.
Receptionist #2: Hahaha!
Receptionist #1: For my pool! To clean my pool... Get your mind out of the gutter...
Receptionist #2: [Still snickering.]

State Street
Augusta, Maine

Overheard by: broken girl

10AM Plus, I'm a Cat Owner, If You Follow Me

Receptionist #1: Oh we're sorry.
Male customer, trying to pick up his cat from the vet: What?
Receptionist #1: We were talking about personal stuff.
Receptionist #2: Yeah, aren't we typical women? Talking about guys?
Male customer: Well, to be honest, like a typical guy, I wasn't paying attention.

Magazine Street
New Orleans, Louisiana

4PM But before Having Sex with My Husband

Receptionist: That goes on my to-do list right below having sex with a midget.

Madison, South Dakota

9AM Collect Them All! Trade with Your Friends!

Secretary: What I'd give for an eight-year-old vagina again...

Orange County, California

2PM Bunnies: We're Concentrating on Our Careers

Receptionist: Yeah, the Deals Team all have babies about the same age. They must have just all at once started procrastinating like bunnies!

30 Warwick Street
London
England

Overheard by: Supertemp

12PM Those Are Real?

Account rep: Is this other elevator still broken?
Receptionist: Correct.
Account rep: But, but, isn't that, like, a fire hazard?
Receptionist: Um, see those signs that say 'In case of fire, do not use elevators'?
Account rep: Oh. Right.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: glad she's not a firefighter

2PM Help Yourself to a Sandwich While You're Down There

Receptionist on phone: Look under my dress. There should be paper and a pen.

Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Liz

11AM I Can Turn This Single into One If You Have a Paint Pen

Receptionist: No, cash or check only. [Student reveals he only has nine dollars.] Hm. Do you have a 10-dollar bill?

UMW Student Accounts Office
Fredericksburg, Virginia

Overheard by: Guillermo

9AM Watch Out! She's Packing an Oozy

Secretary: Stop it... Stop it! I will menstruate all over you!

Citic Tower
Hong Kong
China

12PM More Than You Get Most Days

Receptionist #1: What's the forecast for next Sunday?
Receptionist #2: Sixty-nine and sunny.
Receptionist #1: Sixty-nine? That's all I get for my birthday?

221 Longwood Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts

10AM The Drugs Help

Receptionist: I'm sorry ma'am, but that offer expired over a month ago -- we can't honor it.
Biotech: Oh, I'm sorry, but when you've got a real job, it's hard to get out sometimes.
Receptionist: Hmmm... Well, when you work two jobs and go to college full-time, sometimes it's hard to put up with idiots.

Rivertown Parkway
Grandville, Michigan

Overheard by: Megan

10AM Okay Fine, It Was Paperwork, Okay?

Delivery guy: When I got out of the Air Force I thought I was done with paperwork, but it looks like I'm destined to do paperwork.
Receptionist, uninterested: Oh, really?
Delivery guy: Yeah, but most of my time in the Air Force I can't talk about.
Receptionist: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: It's top secret stuff.
Receptionist: Oh, okay.
Delivery guy: Can't talk about it.
Receptionist: So don't.

Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Waby

11AM I Study Marital and Martial Arts

Receptionist: If he does that shit again I'm going to tie his ass hairs together and kick him in the shin.

Addison, Texas

Overheard by: buenisima

2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft

Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.

22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Emily G

10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope

Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.

Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

3PM You'd Be Surprised What's in There

Teacher's aide: Where did you find the sticky, gooey stuff (Tacky Finger)?
Secretary: In my drawers.

Contour Road
Gaithersburg, Maryland

10AM No, Your Children Do

Receptionist: Does the president have to pay the mortgage on the White House?

1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: wish she hadn't voted

5PM The Silver Lining

Assistant: Where are all the great shoe sales? I mean, after September 11th there were some great sales!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Can't believe she still works here

2PM But He Is My Son

Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.

2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland

Overheard by: aoK

11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You

Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!

Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California

4PM He's Been Burned Before

Skank: Can I use your bathroom?
Clerk: Only if you promise not to pee on the floor.
Skank: Okay.

7-Eleven, Westmoreland Street and Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: Lane In Richmond

3PM Is This One of Those Microsoft Interview Questions?

Receptionist: I'm going to Hawaii next week. If I wanted to swim under the entire island, how deep would I have to go?

1600 Utica Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota

12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls

Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?

Toledo, Ohio

Overheard by: jullylully

10AM By 'Dyke' You Mean She Has Sex with Men Who Aren't You?

Contractor: That hairy-legged bitch.
Manceptionist: Oh yeah, she's a fucking dyke. That's why she has a bastard child.

3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

12PM A Better Solution Than 'Always Turn Left'

Receptionist on phone: I know, this piercing is the best! Now whenever I have sex with someone really stupid, they are bound to find it!

The Generator Hostel
London, England

Overheard by: JJK

9AM Receptionists Have a Limited Ability to Extrapolate

Manager: It is important that you put any call through to me today -- my mother-in-law is dying.
Receptionist: Is she okay?
Manager: No, she's dying.

Davey Street
Hobart
Australia

12PM Well, You'll Have Lots of Time to Practice, Because You're Fired

Supervisor: Did someone order colored pencils from the office supply place?
Assistant: I'm thinking of becoming a caricaturist.

330 Madison Ave
New York City

11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him

Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker

Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?

Stanford, CA

5PM He Whizzed Through Med School

Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.

York Ave
New York, New York

Overheard by: the other assistant

4PM The Mistake Is Trying to Find Celebrities to Respect

Receptionist #1: Do you know who Jessica Simpson is dating?
Receptionist #2: No, I don't care. ... Who?
Receptionist #1: I read it in People so you know it's true. You're going to be so pissed.
Receptionist #2: Ok, who?
Receptionist #1: John Mayer!
Receptionist #2: Whaaaaaat?
Receptionist #1: I know, right?
Receptionist #2: Dude. What is with every celebrity guy I ever respected letting me down lately? First Jared Leto looking like a labia at the VMAs, now this?
Receptionist #1: At least it's not Dane Cook.
Receptionist #2: I know. At least he's preserved.
Receptionist #1: At least he wasn't tainted by her taint.

Taunton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: kerily

2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs

Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.

3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: i love this place

5PM They Really Improve the Reception on the Beamed Instructions from the Spider Aliens from Dimension X

Secretary: You know, those wireless headsets have been a boon for the homeless.

Fort Worth, Texas

Overheard by: mmhmmm

1PM The Colombians Were Bidding Higher When the Market Closed

Receptionist: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I got a letter from my insurance company telling me to fill out a paper with my social security number on it and send it to you. Who are you?
Receptionist: We work with the government to help you with your appeal.
Customer: Oh. So you won't be selling my social security number to anybody in Nigeria?
Receptionist: No, sir, not today.

50 Square Drive
Rochester, New York

Overheard by: We'll sell it tomorrow

3PM Nope, Just Thought You Might Need Help Getting That Desk onto Your Truck

Assistant: Are you stealing things already?
Marketing rep: Are you saying that because I'm black?

9401 West Brown Deer Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: T

1PM A Brain That Dresses All Seductive but Won't Put Out?

Receptionist: What's a brainteaser?

16 Bailey Avenue
Ridgefield, Connecticut

Overheard by: Nikki

2PM But Aren't We Scheduled to Exchange Briefs and Deliver Oral Arguments?

Office Assistant: If I go back to the phone without an answer this guy is going to eat me out.
Manager: I think you mean chew you out.

1125 Colonel Drive
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: WOW @ CU

3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.

Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.

350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York

11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory

Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Not the person either

3PM Why Generation Y Already Out-Earns Generation X

Assistant: You ever do something repeatedly--so much, that you're like, "Whoa, this isn't real. I'm not doing this!"?
Intern: Umm...
Assistant: Like, when you're staring at your face in the mirror for so long that you're like, "Whoa! That's not my face! This isn't real!" Hasn't that ever happened to you?
Intern: No. That's usually when I stop drinking.

900 2nd Street NE
Washington, DC

4PM Who's on (Safety) First?

Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.

Avon, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Fae

12PM Oh, Okay. Tweetie.

Teen girl, holding a bag with a dead bird inside: My grandfather called earlier about getting this bird checked for West Nile virus. He found it in his yard.
Office clerk: Ok, I remember talking to him this morning. I need to get some information from you first. Now, what was his name?

The girl's eyes get big, and she looks at the bag.

Office clerk: No, not the bird's name. I need to know your grandfather's name.

616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana

Overheard by: Vicky

11AM Cheap Dinner Dates?

Loud secretary: What do you call people who are from Dutch?

Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Hiding in cubicle

11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up

Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.

802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan

Overheard by: just passing by

5PM You Don't Have to Be Dead to Work Here, But It Helps

Lawyer: Did you hear about Vanessa*?
Secretary: No. What about her?
Lawyer: Yeah, poor Vanessa. She woke up dead on July 4th.

Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia

3PM What If Your Co-Worker's an Asshole?

Assistant #1: What if you get a busy signal?
Assistant #2: That means it's busy.
Assistant #1, after a long pause: Thank you.

450 N Street
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Assistant #3

2PM Sandi's Dead, But She Told Me Her Files Are in the Computer. Here's a Hammer.

Assistant: Do I need to do anything with this e-mail to Karen*?
Sales guy: No.
Assistant: Okay, I'm going to just drop it over into her folder and move on.
Sales guy: Okay, that's up to you.
Assistant: I save everything.
Sales guy: I like to delete. If I know you've saved it, I just delete it.
Assistant: Yeah, but what if my computer bursts into flames? Or what if I quit?
Sales guy: You? Quit? [laughs]
Assistant: You shouldn't laugh...
Sales guy: Oh.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

10AM Yet Probably Just as Accurate

Receptionist: Hello, Ruddman* Media International...Excuse me? A heat index? I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about...Ruddman Media International...No, no this is not the weather channel.

3 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Why do I work here?

11AM The Government Is Watching Him, But Only For Laughs

Clerk guy: Yeah, so we ordered a pizza last night, and the guy on the phone knew my address, get this, before I even told him!
Clerk girl: Don't they have caller ID or something?
Clerk guy: Man, I don't know. I was smoking a big one, and I was like, "Dude, whoa. I think the government is all watching me now."
Clerk girl: Um, probably not.
Clerk guy: Then explain to me how they knew my address and what kind of pizza I ordered last time! Explain that!

Kmart
Temple, Texas

Overheard by: Vicky

9AM You Can Lead a Horse to a Basket of Eggs, But You Can't Make a Silk Purse Out of a Pig in a Poke

Clerk, watching two inexperienced clerks trying to help each other: That's like the dog leading the blind.

South Lamar Street
Roxboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Dun Ben Ther

1PM I'm So Glad I Still Live With My Mother

Receptionist: I thought she was going to tell me I was fat...but, no, she just wanted to tell me that I smell bad.

Andover Park West
Tukwila, Washington

12PM One Starbucks Holds a Hundred Wongs and One White

Manager: Ok, I don't mean to sound weird, but...
Receptionist #1: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Manager: I was at Starbucks on the 4th of July, and...it was all Asians! It was an Asian invasion! They were everywhere! I was going to ask if they were having a family reunion. Then someone else walked in the door, and [my 14-year-old daughter] nudged me, and it was another Asian! I've told [my daughter], "Ok, you can marry a Muslim! A black! A Jew! Just don't bring home an Asian!" They travel in packs and take pictures! And they are the worst drivers! Any time you see a bad driver swerving, weaving in and out of lanes? Asian! But, I mean, my tennis partner is Asian, so...
Receptionist #1: Becky*, you're a racist!
Manager: I'm not a racist...just to Asians!

An Asian client walks in.

Receptionist #2: Hi, Mr. Wong*!

4020 NE 55th Street
Seattle, Washington

12PM No One Intelligent Gets Married

Clerk #1: My nephew is getting married, and his mother is not happy.
Clerk #2: Why's that?
Clerk #1: Well she is Mexican, Italian or maybe from India. I don't know. They just don't like her. He's really intelligent, but they're worried about him quitting college now.

1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: unbelievable

12PM She Faked That One

Secretary: Put it in! Put it in! Faster, c'mon! I can't take it, put it in! [Giggles]
Worker: Ready? Here we go. [Excessive grunting]
Secretary: Oh yeah, that feels great! Oh, yes.

Boss walks by. Looks in office.

Boss: What the hell is going on here?
Secretary: He just put the air conditioner in!

2000 Peel Street
Montreal, Quebec

Overheard by: Monika

10AM Disingenuousness Is Part Of My Professional Persona

Receptionist, on phone: Ocean View* Escrow
Processor: Darlene* please.
Receptionist: She's on the other line. Would you like to hold?
Processor: I'd love to.
Receptionist: Really?
Processor: Not big on sarcasm, are you?

1950 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Matt

9AM I'll Be Going Postal, So Bring a Tourniquet

Receptionist #1: Is tomorrow your last day?
Receptionist #2: Yes.
Receptionist #1: Good.

Park Place
Cardiff University, United Kingdom

Overheard by: stranded_in_UK

5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On

Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.

1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Pirate Wench

4PM An 'I' and a 'Q,' I Think

Assistant: Did anyone order anything from Nuclear?
Sales guy: From who?
Assistant: Nuclear. N-U-C-O-R.
Sales girl: Nucor?
Assistant: Um, yeah. Ha ha ha. Sorry.
Sales guy: Yeah, you're missing a few letters there.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

5PM It's So Hard Being an Orthodox Mormon

Female employee: What the hell is she fussing at? He's only two years older than her. If he's old, she's old!
Office manager: She's just trying to ruffle your feathers.
Sales guy: You should tell her your husband can beat up her husband.
Assistant: Which one? She's got a couple.
Female employee: Hey!
Sales guy: Haha, I forgot she's got like three husbands now.
Female employee: I hate you guys.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

11AM I Banged Them Both, Though.

Admin: Do you know who dropped this off?
Manceptionist: No
Admin: Well, then do you know what they looked like?
Manceptionist: An old white lady with curly hair.
Admin: Are you sure she wasn't a black man, because Allan* said it was a forty-year-old black guy.
Office manager: Not unless he rolled himself in baby powder before he came in here.
Manceptionist: No. The black guy dropped off a manilla envelope and the old lady dropped off that.
Admin: This is a manilla envelope.
Manceptionist: Oh, then yeah the black guy dropped it off.
Allan: Well the black guy was definitely more attractive.
Office manager: And now we know which way you swing.

3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

9AM Back to Work

Receptionist: Hey, help me with this list. The boss wants me to go to the store and get some stuff for the coffee room. You know, stuff like filters and cups and stuff. But I can't figure out what these icet rays are.
HR clerk: Let me see the list...Sweetie, this says ice trays. You know, for the freezer to freeze water into cubes.
Receptionist: Are you sure? Because if the boss wants icet rays, that's what I better get.
HR clerk: Well okay, if you really want icet rays, try the office supply store and make them check in the back. You may have to ask for their manager.
Receptionist: Thanks, see you in a little while.
HR clerk: You know, I should have used that opportunity to sell her a bridge.

5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

12PM Lunch

Accountant: We're taking Mark* to Joe's Crab Shack for his retirement party at the end of the month.
Secretary: Is that where you want to go? I figured you for more of a Hooters man. Wouldn't you rather have Hooters than crabs?
Mark: I thought the two went hand in hand! You can't have one without the other.

401 Church Street
Nashville Tennessee

2PM Sexual Harassment

Secretary: So, the next time you shut the door to take one of your sex calls, I'm going to nail it closed!


311 Main Road
Point Mugu, California

Overheard by: mookie

2PM Diversity Initiative

Secretary: Hey, I haven't seen you for a while. You been on vacation?
Associate: No, I've been here.
Secretary: I just love running into you. You look just like that guy from Whose Line Is It Anyway. That black guy...What's his name?
Associate: Oh, really? No one's ever told me that before.
Secretary: It's ok, right? Because he's my favorite.


1425 K Street NW
Washington DC

Overheard by: callmeahab

2PM Facilities Issues

HR assistant: So, Paul*, when are you gonna take a look at my thing? I'm bursting at the seams, right?
Paul the safety director: [laughing] I can't look now -- and will never look at your thing.
HR assistant: But, dang it! I need some space! Look at how my file cabinets are overflowing!!
Paul: HR isn't the only department that needs filing space!
HR assistant: [sighs] I just need someone to look and to care!

4730 South Fort Apache
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Corporate Paralegal

3PM Team-Building Activities

Paralegal: I hate looking at his face. Ruins my whole day.
Secretary: I know. I want to throw my shoe at him or something.
Paralegal: Ok, but can you make sure I'm there to see it?

overheard by: their boss

100 F Street
Washington, DC

12PM Lunch

Engineer: So, did you enjoy your Cinco de Mayo?
Secretary: Um. I was in Rhode Island for the weekend...
Engineer: Yeah, so?
Secretary: Ever been?
Engineer: Yeah, couple of times... what's your point?
Secretary: Heh. Rhode Island is like the white-bread capital, at least the part where I go is.
Engineer: Okaayyy... so there was no Cinco de Mayo celebration?
Secretary: Dude, lemme put it this way for ya: It's so damn white up there, they have white gardeners. Mexicans are like freakin' nonexistant up there. And don't even get me started on the nonexistance of black people. Hell, the last time I saw a black person while I was up there was the one we brought with us. . .and she kept singin' "Massa got me workin'" just to freak the rest of the whities out.

One Penn Plaza
New York, New York

Overheard by: *snicker*

12PM Lunch

Accountant: This chicken [Sue] brought in is yummy. I'm just going to take a break to eat it here rather than take it back to my desk. I don't trust myself not to get my paperwork all greasy.
Supervisor: That's why I'm going to make a sandwich out of it.
Secretary: Oh, I don't care about greasy fingers. All I do is handle incoming checks all day.

401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee

2PM Cover Shoot

Photographer: You can't just leave and not tell anyone. You guys left and no one was here to help.
First assistant: Look, I'm sick of you bitching at me about this petty bullshit. Don't talk to me unless you've got something important to say.
Second assistant: Mom and Dad are fighting again.

2616 Industrial Row Road
Troy, Michigan

11AM Running Reports

Group leader: You filed the wrong report for this transaction.
Clerk: That's the way [Lisa] trained me to do it.
Group leader: Which proves idiotisms are contagious.
Clerk: Yeah, you're right... I mean no.... I mean, I don't like it when you make me have to think about what you say.

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

5PM That's a Wrap

Trim middle-aged President: I just received my soccer badge in the mail.
Young receptionist: I can't see you playing soccer.
President: I don't play, I referee.
Receptionist: Still, I can't see your fat ass waddling up and down the field.

150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut


Overheard by: now I'm going to have to answer the phones again

10AM Coffee Break

The day after the company picnic. . .

Female clerk #1: Was that the new guy playing volleyball? You know the one that keeps trying to adjust his hours.
Manager: Maybe he just needs to wear a jock strap all the time.
Female clerk #2: Adjust his hours! His schedule! Everything is code for crotch to you!

5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi

3PM Ordering Supplies

Secretary: My pencil drawer is broken. It needs a new twisty nail.
Boss: Twisty nail?
Secretary: Yeah, you know, with the X-groove on top.
Boss: You mean a Phillips-head screw?
Secretary: Whatever.

118 East Whittier
St. Francis, Kansas

12PM Lunch

Receptionist over the intercom: Obituaries...Mmmmmmm....

16 Bailey Avenue
Ridgefield, Connecticut


Overheard by: Nikki

5PM That's a Wrap

Funeral director: So, you know all the procedures now, right?
Secretary: Yes, I believe so, I just never had to go get the organ out for a service.
Funeral director: Well, you know where it's at, right?
Secretary: Yeah, so you just go in the back and pull it out and stick it in there, right?

2157 Oak Street
Wyandotte, Michigan

1PM Running Diagnostics, Part 2

Assistant #1: Did you get out for lunch today?
Assistant #2: I did! It was so nice out I didn't want to come back.
Assistant #1: I think we should all get medals for making it back to work after lunch
Assistant #3: Or a straightjacket.


345 Park Avenue
New York, New York

4PM Distribute Handbooks

Receptionist: Hey, did Kevin leave?
Co-worker: No, he's gone for the day.

16443 Minnesota Avenue
Paramount, California


Overheard by: Stella Bella

2PM Follow Up with HR

Secretary: I could swear that I read that if you have a death in the family you automatically get two days off.
Nurse: Well, I looked it up in the protocol. You can have days off, but they're just regular PTO.
Secretary: Right, I know they're PTO, but I swear I read that they're automatic if you have a death in the family.
Nurse: No, it's like any other PTO, you have to have them approved by your supervisor.
Secretary: I swear I read that you get those days off for a family death.
Nurse: Well, I'm sure every supervisor would be happy to quickly approve your PTO if someone dies.
Secretary: Yeah, but I swear I read somewhere that you get two days automatically for that.
Nurse: Please, tell me one more time about how you read that somewhere.

Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

11AM Send Out Faxes

Assistant #1: I just accidentally punched that girl in the head by the fax machine.
Assistant #2: Good.
Assistant #1: Yeah, but then she said "Ow" all drawn out and gave me a nasty look.
Assistant #2: What a bitch.
Assistant #1: Quit squatting by the fax machine and I won't punch you in the head.

233 Spring Street
New York, NY

5PM That's a Wrap

Suit: Your last name is Smith. Are you related to a Nelson Smith?
Clerk: No, Smith is my marriage name. That reminds me; I need to file for divorce.

3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey


Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

1PM Lunch

Secretary: You look kind of like Bill Gates.
Specialist: I don't look dorky enough.
Secretary: How dorky do you not think you look?

25 Sigourney Street
Hartford, Connecticut

5PM That's a Wrap

Boss: It's such a nice day and nothing is happening in here...I think I'm going to leave.
Employee #1: That sounds good. Can I leave, too?
Boss: Sure.
Employee #2: And me?
Boss: If you want. Hey, [Erica]! If the phone rings, then just--
Clerk: Wait, you're all going to leave me here by myself and you expect me to actually do shit? Fuck you.

101 Braddock Road
Frostburg, Maryland


Overheard by: Ren

9AM Back to Work

Nurse: Is that a paper clip in your hair?
Receptionist: Yeah, I couldn't find a bobby pin
Nurse: God, you're such a secretary.

800 East 28th Street
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Overheard by: killerboots

9AM Back to Work

Deliveryman: I'm looking for the seventeenth floor.
Receptionist: You're on the eighteenth floor.
Deliveryman: Where's the seventeenth floor?

3900 West Alameda Avenue
Burbank, California

10AM Take Out the Trash

Biller: Um, you know maintenance guys are working in our bathrooms and there is a line of people waiting in the hallway bathroom? Could you, like, do something about it?
Receptionist: Uh, sure, I'll get right on that for you.
Biller: I'll just go back to my desk and pee in my trash can.

1200 Princess Anne Street
Fredericksburg, Virginia

5PM That's a Wrap

Secretary: Bye, guys. See you tomorrow.
Worker #1: Who the fuck was that?
Worker #2: The new sales secretary; she took [Carrie]'s place.
Worker #1: Who the fuck is [Carrie]?
Worker #2: She took over for [Gretchen].
Worker #1: Oh, hell. I don't care about chicks' names. I only care if I'm sleeping with them. And then sometimes I have to get up and check their purse for ID.


1313 North Industrial Boulevard
Dallas, Texas

3PM Smoke Break

Preacher: What's that beeping sound?
Secretary: It's the battery getting low on the smoke detector.
Preacher: Well you don't need that if you would quit smoking, do
you?

801 7th Street South
Clanton, Alabama

1PM Lunch

Receptionist: He's charged with digital rape, but I don't see how you can rape someone over the internet.

501 Latrobe Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia

11AM Review Plans

Assistant: Well, do you still have that copy of the Specific Plan?
Project Manager: I don't know where it is.
Assistant: Wasn't it on your desk yesterday?
Project Manager: Yeah, but I think it's spread its legs.
Assistant: What?
Project Manager: You know, spread its legs. You know what I mean.
Assistant: Sprouted legs?

1580 Metro Drive
Costa Mesa, California

11AM Radio for Backup?

Admin: Some angry guys are going to come in the office looking for one of the executives. They may threaten you and yell at you but just tell them to go away. Whatever you do, don't bother us with it.
Receptionist: Okay, while I'm up here fighting for my life, I'll be sure not to bother you all.

817 West Peachtree Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia


Overheard by: Elle George

3PM Coffee Break

Receptionist: You should use tap water instead of Poland Spring to make coffee.
Secretary: You make coffee your way, and we'll make it our way.
Receptionist: How much do each of those jugs cost?
Secretary: What? Look, just...The water is brown and it smells bad.
Receptionist: The water is not brown and it does not smell bad.
Secretary: Well, you're entitled to your opinion.
Receptionist: Since when is a known fact an opinion?

113 University Place
New York, NY

10AM Call Building Maintenance

Secretary: Y'all like sittin' in the dark?
Co-worker #1: You just gotta get used to it. The lights are broken.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark.
Co-worker #2: Well, I think they went out over the weekend.
Secretary: So y'all really like to sit in the dark...Just like in the Underground Railroad.

1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC


Overheard by: callmeahab

5PM Finally, the Weekend

Secretary: [Helen]'s not here. She must be someplace else.

12555 Euclid Street
Garden Grove, California

11AM Hearing Prep

Attorney: My head hurts, my mouth tastes like crap, I haven't shaved in four days and my suit is wrinkled. I think I'm hung over.
Secretary: Well, what do you have to do today?
Attorney: DUI hearing to try and get [Leonard] off the hook.

319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky

10AM Post Job Listing

Secretary: I can write memos like it's my job.
Boss: That is your job.

100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky

5PM That's a Wrap

Secretary: I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Lawyer: Sure, what's up?
Secretary: So you're Indian, right? I'm going to an Indian funeral today. And I'm not sure how to act.
Lawyer: Well...you're not supposed to laugh.
Secretary: But they're so Indian that they're going to have her cremated.
Lawyer: That doesn't mean you can laugh. Also wear all white.

1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC


Overheard by: callmeahab

9AM Back to Work

Designer: Hey, you left your turn signal on. Better turn it off or you'll run out of blinker fluid.
Secretary: Oh, okay. I don't even know how to check that. I'll have the guy at the dealership fill it next time.

201 Forrester Drive
Greenville, South Carolina


Overheard by: Ape

11AM Client Meeting (Off-site)

Receptionist: And how are we feeling this morning?
Patient: Yeah, yeah! Here's my co-payment.

15 West 39th Street
New York, NY

9AM Back to Work

Clerk: I'm startin' the day with two "ah, shits" and not an "atta boy" in sight.

1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska

4PM Update Contacts

Secretary on phone: Hi, I have tried twice now to establish myself as the main contact person for our firm with your company via your online customer service, and it still won't change the name...Yes, and I'm considering legally changing my name to [Nathan Blumenthal] because apparently that would be easier than getting it changed with your printing service.

19 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois

9AM Back to Work

Attorney: Did you spray the air freshener after you used the bathroom?
Secretary: ...We're getting to know each other too well in this office.

319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky


Overheard by: Tuck Tabler

5PM That's a Wrap

Assistant #1: I want to stab my eyes out. Is that normal?
Assistant #2: Yes.
Assistant #1: Just wanted to make sure.

640 5th Avenue
New York, NY

9AM Back to Work

Clerk: I got an error message on that email I sent.
Manager: Well, then you aren't holding your mouth right, are ya?
Clerk: What?

1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska

9AM Back to Work

Secretary: Hey [Manny], I see you! I see you! I have implants,so I can see everything.

University of Richmond Special Programs Building
Richmond, Virginia

3PM Smoke Break

Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.

717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC

5PM That's a Wrap

Receptionist: How do you spell "Thursday"?
Co-worker: Look at your calendar, genius.

3110 Camino Del Rio South
San Diego, California

3PM Coffee Break

Accountant: Could you call and get someone to come and service our coffee machine?
Receptionist: Sure! What's going on with it?
Accountant: The hot water tap just tastes like regular tap water.

1625 North Palafox Street
Pensacola, Florida

2PM All Hands Call

Person: Hi, I'm here for my 1 o'clock meeting. I know I'm a little early...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, what?
Person: I'm here for my meeting at 1; I'm early. Sorry about that.
Receptionist: Um...Yeah, it's almost 3...So...
Person: Oh sorry, right, 3, must be in a different time zone.

9250 Beverly Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

2PM Client Meeting

Lawyer on phone: I don't care what you want to do, just file the fucking report! Shut the fuck up and file the fucking thing!
Client: Yikes.
Secretary: He's yelling at his other secretary.
Client: ...Yeah, but--
Lawyer: I said file the fucking thing!
Secretary: It's okay. She's also his wife.

430 West First Street
New Albany, Indiana

11AM Talk in Conference Room

Receptionist: What did you think of that visiting speaker? He was kinda cute!
Engineer: What a dork!
Receptionist: So he was a dork by dork standards? Wow!

ASU Engineering Center
Tempe, Arizona

9AM Back to Work

Secretary: Don't mail your boogers to people!

401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee

9AM Back to Work

Receptionist: He's not in, may I take a message?...No, we don't have voice mail, but I'll be happy to take a message...I write it on a piece of paper and had it to him when he comes in.

1718 Villa Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana

1PM Lunch

Receptionist: I don't know whether to throw up my hands or just throw up.

550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California


Overheard by: oldcorps50

5PM That's a Wrap

Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.

900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

5PM That's a Wrap

File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.

1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas

2PM Pick Up Promo Shirts

Receptionist: What are the new shirts made out?
Clerk: They're 100% cotton.
Receptionist: Cotton? That's the stuff that grows on sheep, right?
Clerk: No, cotton comes from rabbits. That's why they're called cottontails.

10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada

11AM Schedule Counseling

Boss: She's gone? And you're not going to be here tomorrow?
Secretary: Correct.
Boss: But I need counseling.
Designer: I agree!

175 South Third Street
Columbus, Ohio

2PM Conference

Conferenceperson: Could you please have a pot of coffee ready for my 2 o'clock meeting?
Secretary: Um, there's a scheduled 1 hour long power outage at 1:30.
Conferenceperson: That's okay, we have lights.

Computer Science Building
Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, New York

4PM Call [the Client]

Secretary: [The client] keeps calling and asking for me. And you know what? The next time he does that, I'm going to tell him that you lied to him.
Boss: What? Why?
Secretaty: Because you tell him you're going to do all these things for him, and you don't!
Boss: That's because he's an idiot!

527 West Jefferson Street
Louisville, Kentucky

11AM Call Building Management--Urgent

Receptionist: Hey everyone, tomorrow the building management is changing the bathrooms codes to 6-1-5.
Co-worker #1: But...we don't have a 6.
Co-worker #2: Yeah, the buttons only go up to 5.
Co-worker #1: Is the building management trying to tell us we're not allowed to pee any more?

2425 West Loop South
Houston, Texas

4PM Prepare for Press Conference

PR: [Linda], it's me. Could you buzz me when the news crew gets here...[Linda]?
Receptionist on speaker: Well...uh...[Eric] asked me to buzz him when they got here.
PR: Um, okay?
Receptionist on speaker: [Eric Dixon].
PR: I know who [Eric] is.
Receptionist on speaker: See, yeah, the thing is that [Eric], [Eric Dixon], uh, just called and asked me to buzz him when the news crew gets here.
PR: Yes.
Receptionist on speaker: So, what? Do you think...it would be better if I buzzed you instead? Because [Eric Dixon] asked me...
PR: Do you think you could just buzz both of us?
Receptionist on speaker: Oh. Yeah, I guess I could do that.

1875 Connecticut Avenue NW
Washington, DC


Overheard by: frau

1PM Lunch

CSR: You know sometimes when you blow, you can feel it in your throat?
Secretary: No, I don't blow that hard.
CSR: Well, I blow hard and I can feel it sometimes. It sucks.

541 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Eve S Dropper

2PM Finalize Meeting Plans

Secretary #1: Everything tomorrow is going to be great but it won't be good coming in, especially if someone spills their load all over.
Secretary #2: Yeah really, that only causes more problems.

75 Great Valley Parkway
Malvern, Pennsylvania

10AM Order New Camera

Boss: Damn it! My camera is dead again!
Receptionist: Didn't you just replace those batteries a couple of days ago?
Boss: Yes.
Sales: Maybe you're out of megapixels.

1003 Distribution Drive
Columbus, Ohio

4PM Call [Chris]

Receptionist on speaker: I'm sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won't call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don't know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.

5711 East FM-40
Lubbock, Texas

2PM Get Mail

Secretary: The mailman was supposed to come back today, but I haven't seen him yet.
Agent: Which mailman was it? The old guy, or the nerdy guy with the glasses?
Secretary: No, it was an Asian guy.
Agent: Oh. He's probably having lunch again.

1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Orgeon

12PM Pick Up Mail

Secretary: If we call this basket "inhouse" mail, shouldn't we call this basket "outhouse" mail?

401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee

2PM Call Staples (They've Got That)

Receptionist: Do you have any extra wireless cords?

2777 Crystal Drive
Arlington, Virginia

5PM Enjoy the Weekend, Everyone

Boss: Have a great Christmas, everyone. I'm going to go see my new grandkid.
Secretary: Aw. You have a new grandchild? Is this the first time
you'll see it?
Boss: Yeah, they're delivering by C-section on Wednesday.

2320 West Highway 76
Branson, Missouri

4PM Caren Out

Clerk #1: Why is she leaving now?
Clerk #2: She had to leave early to go get her brakes fixed. She was going on and on how they weren't working this morning.
Clerk #1: So they're going to start suddenly working now or is she just going to pray for green lights the whole way?

2121 Main Street
Buffalo, New York

3PM Eleanor's Birthday Thing

Receptionist: You guys.
Co-worker #1: How old are you today?
Co-worker #2: Hell, if her skin is anything like the rings of a tree...
Office: ...
Co-worker #2: What?

1490 Francis Drive
Daytona Beach, Florida

2PM Find New Intern

Secretary #1: That was a funny email you sent earlier; I couldn't
stop cracking up.
Secretary #2: Hey, I just try to make you all laugh.
Intern: For you to make them laugh all they have to do is look at
your face.

28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts

10AM Call HR

Secretary: I can't talk to her any longer. She's so disrespectful.
Boss: ...Really.
Secretary: Yes! Can you please talk to her 'cause I've had enough.
Boss: Well, since we've been acquired by the new company, they're really big on that.
Secretary: Huh?
Boss: You know. Respect. It used to be a lot easier around here.

1775 Broadway
New York, NY

1PM Run Errands

Receptionist: Argh! My arm is so itchy. I'm, like, allergic to work!
Co-worker: Stop scratching; you are making it worse! At lunch, go
and get an antihistamine to stop the swelling.
Receptionist: Antihistamine or antiinflammatory? I think it's
inflamed. What's the difference anyway?
Co-worker: Antihistamine is something that is not histamine, and
antiinflammatory is something that's not inflammatory.
Receptionist: So I'll ask the chemist?

25 Parramatta Road
Underwood, Queensland
Australia

11AM Return to Construction Site

Clerk: It actually hurts talking to you.
Receptionist: Hey, it hurts talking to you, sometimes. You use big words too much.
Clerk: Go away, I've hit my stupid quotient for the day.
Manager: You are so mean to her.

10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada

9AM It's a Bright, Sun-Shiny Day

Boss: Those are pretty. Who are they from?
Secretary: Myself. Sorry men send flowers. I don't need any sorry men in my life.

8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

10AM Visit Construction Site

Receptionist: What's that?
Worker: It's the Phoenix Project logo.
Receptionist: Why's there a bird on it?
Manager #1: You have got to be kidding?
Receptionist: What?
Manager #2: Bird, Phoenix? Hello?
Receptionist: I don't get it.
Clerk: Okay, the bird...it's a phoenix.
Receptionist: Phoenix is a city.
Clerk: ...Phoenix is, also, a mythological bird.
Receptionist: Named after the city?

10 Miles South of Battle Mountain
Battle Mountain, Nevada

2PM Deliver Invoices to Probation Office

Secretary: There was a black man who lived in my county. He was the only one. We called him Nigger Jim.
Co-worker: What?
Secretary: Oh, it was okay. He called himself that. He was retarded.
Co-worker: Where is he now?
Secretary: Prison.

130 East Main Street
Canton, Georgia

10AM Guest Presentation

Receptionist: [Steve], I thought about you today when the speaker started talking about anal sex.

1000 Hilltop Circle
Catonsville, Maryland

9AM She's So Lucky

Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?

3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon

9AM Monday, Monday

Receptionist: Yeah, but if you say that then you're being illogical--
Exec: Ah, that's your problem, you've brought logic into the argument.
Receptionist: Um...

271 Rathdowne Street
Carlton, Victoria
Australia

3PM Coffee Break

EA: ...she's still learning to change a diaper and all that.
Suit: Really?
EA: Yeah, but it's been extra hard emotionally because our family is really strict and my dad still can't admit to himself that this happened. All he's said is, "I sent you to private school! Don't they have sex ed there?" and "How could this happen?" Which doesn't help her at all.
Suit: No, probably not.
EA: It's like, "Dad, the baby is already here, get a grip." But, well, she's the baby of the family and I guess we all know how fathers are.
Suit: No, actually, I don't. I never met mine.

40 IDX Drive
South Burlington, Vermont


Overheard by: Bubble Wrap THIS

1PM Lunch

Partner: Tell me something. Does anyone around here care about me at all? I mean if I were to drop dead right here and now in the middle of the floor would just leave me lying there or at least push me into a dark corner?
Receptionist: I'm sure I could manage a little bit better than that.
Partner: Well, thank you. At least someone cares.

1218 Webster Street
Houston, Texas


Overheard by: Office Slave

10AM Call an Ambulance

Receptionist: What happened to your light?
Worker: The switch broke off.
Receptionist: Well, how can you work in the dark? Are they going to fix it?
Worker: [Chris] went to shut off the fuse so that he can work on it.
Receptionist: Here, I'll fix it.
Worker: Stop it, you'll electrocute yourself!

11 Broadway
New York, NY

3PM At the Water Cooler

Peon #1: Those Jordanians are really teed off.
Peon #2: Is that even a word?

9115 Harris Corners Parkway
Charlotte, North Carolina


Boss: Did you hear about the terrorist attacks in Jordan?
Secretary: Um, yes; a suicide bomber killed hundreds of people at a wedding.
Boss: You see, you shouldn't attend so many weddings. The odds are against you.

10550 North Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California

5PM That's Enough for Me

Secretary on phone: I hate fake tans too...not cans...tans. No, tans. T as in taco, A as in anus, N as in next, and S as in swords. I hate fake cans, too.

3818 Maccorkle Avenue SE
Charleston, West Virginia


Overheard by: brittany

3PM Coffee Break

Receptionist: So this guy calls for [Kyle]...I give him the voice mail. I knew the next ring would be him...he calls back. "I'm trying to get ahold of [Kyle] and I keep getting an answer machine."...Gah!...That's what happens when we pay 10K for a phone
system so people get their messages. So then the prick is like, "So is he there or isn't he?" And so I'm like, "Yes sir, I realize
that you keep getting his voicemail. He is with a client, and all
messages go straight to our agents via voicemail." And he's like,
"Well, I don't want to leave a damn message, you tell [him and
his wife] they just lost out on a sale! I guess they're too busy
for me!" So then I'm all kiss-ass and like, "Well, I'm sorry sir, they are both with clients at the moment. We are a busy office. Would you like me to take a message?" And then he tells me, "No, just never mind and it's their loss." I hate stupid people.
Assistant: Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for
anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push
them down a flight of stairs.

M-28 East
Munising, Michigan

4PM Call Repairman--again

Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!

557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

9AM Saturday, Please Come Soon

Receptionist: Every time I hear that phone, it's ringing!

3424 Peachtree Road NE
Atlanta, Georgia

3PM Order Books

Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!

1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY

3PM Coffee Break

Banker: You can't leave your coffee cup on the edge of my desk. A client almost drank out of it today.
Secretary: You know you want to lick my rim.

2 South Main Street
Youngstown, Ohio

1PM Lunch

Boss: Where did that report go? I have a meeting in less than ten minutes! Where did you put that report?...I just had it! Why do you keep hiding things on me?
Secretary: Look in your briefcase.
Boss: It's not in my briefcase! I just looked in it! Why would it be in my briefcase?
Secretary: Because you just put it in there, dumbass.
Boss: No, I didn't! I would know if it's in my briefcase!
Secretary: You sure?
Boss: Yes! I'm positive! I know it's not...Oh, here it is.
Secretary: And where was it...?
Boss: In my briefcase.
Secretary: Dumbass...go to your meeting and stop bugging me.
Boss: I have to buy you lunch again, don't I?
Secretary: Yep. And don't even think that Burger King is going to cut it this time.

One Penn Plaza
New York, NY

Overheard by: mshorty

1PM Lunch

Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?

One Penn Plaza
New York, NY


Overheard by: Melissa Miller

12PM Go Through Resumes

Colleague: What happened to the woman who used to process requisitions? Her office looks deserted.
Secretary: She's gone.
Colleague: Is she going to be replaced?
Secretary: We don't replace people in this office; we just hire someone new.

1400 John R. Lynch Street
Jackson, Mississippi

12PM Prep for Big Meeting

Secretary #1: It looks nice, don't it?
Secretary #2: Did you just say, "it looks nice, don't it?"...Doesn't it! I'm just trying to get us ready for the bigwigs next week!
Secretary #1: It don't matter, sweetie.

10559 Citation Drive
Brighton, Michigan


Overheard by: Abigail Fisher

4PM I'm Done with This

Secretary: Oh, I thought that was [Jamie] coming in the elevator. It was you.
Boss: You must have really good ears if you could hear that.

141 South Willow Street
Eagle River, Wisconsin

2PM Update Legal Schedules

Speakerphone: ...but then they said my trial was rescheduled for December 3rd, and then the other day I got a notice that said it was for December 1st and I just wanted to tell [Leslie] that they're changing it.
Secretary: Um, okay, sorry, but the 3rd of December is a Saturday. Speakerphone: I'm not going to argue with you! I'm just telling you what they said!
Secretary: Um, ok.

3 South Pinckney Street
Madison, Wisconsin


Overheard by: temp drone

4PM I'm Out of Here

Lady: How do I get to the radio station?
Receptionist: You have to go down the hall and take the elevator down.

20 minutes pass.

Lady : Okay, I did the singing telegram, now I need a bathroom.

4041 Mill Street
Kansas City, Missouri

4PM Let's Call It a Day

Receptionist on phone: Of course I'm tired. I sit here for nine hours a day with no work to do. That's gonna tire me out!

601 West 26th Street
New York, NY


Overheard by: Ty!

11AM Client Meeting

Receptionist on intercom: Can I go to the bathroom?
Supervisor: Uh...sure. Why would you ask me that?
Receptionist on intercom: Because you told me I should always ask you first if I was ever unsure of what to do in a situation.
Supervisor: Do you not know how to use the restroom?
Receptionist on intercom: Well, what if you tried to intercom me and I wasn't around? What would--
Supervisor: Just go!

165 Nassau Boulevard
Garden City, New York

11AM Outlook Training

Secretary: What does it do when it archeeves my email?
Boss: Are you serious?
Secretary: I mean, where does it go after it's done archeeving?
Boss: Oh god.

5353 McCurry Road
Roscoe, Illinois

1PM Lunch

Secretary: Aw, look at you. You look so ethnic today.
Intern: Huh?
Secretary: You look like you should be seating people at a Chinese resturaunt.
Intern: Hey!
Secretary: No, in a good way...

72 Wall Street
New York, NY

3PM Call Bankruptcy Court

Secretary: Line 1 is Donna with the Bank of Sea Court.

212 West First Street
Portales, New Mexico

9AM Pearls of Wisdom, First Thing in the AM

Secretary: I love this new water bottle I got. It holds all the water you need for a full day. The problem is that when I drink out of it, I look like a hamster.

401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee

9AM It's Beginning

Secretary #1: What's the problem?
Secretary #2: Oh...the gathering darkness.

105 Avenue O
Brooklyn, New York


Overheard by: Danielle Balsamo

4PM Update Database

Data entry clerk: I can't find this person's name in our records?
Manager: What's the name?
Data entry clerk: Denver Colorado?

115 South 15th Street
Richmond, Virginia


Overheard by: Derek Polynesia

1PM Lunch Break

Assistant: How's your day going?
Office worker: I wish I was dead.
Assistant: Good to hear.

3990 Old Town Avenue
San Diego, California

12PM Porn Sushi Class

Secretary: There's one class called "How to Shoot a Porno."
Employee: What?
Secretary: Yeah, it's girl-on-girl. I called to ask if we could get a group discount, but it's been cancelled due to a scheduling conflict.
Employee: Wow.
Secretary: There's another class, "How to make sushi"...

845 3rd Avenue
New York, NY

4PM Talk to HR

Assistant: I submitted this check request a month ago, can you tell me why it hasn't been paid yet?
Accountant: Oh, you wanted it paid?

40 W. 20th Street
New York, NY


Overheard by: Faith Black

3PM Cancel Joe's Surprise Party

Receptionist: Joe Barnes, please come to the office, you have a phone call.
Employee: You might have to speak up. And also? If he shows up, I'm leaving.
Receptionist: Why, don't you like him?
Employee: No, it's not that, it's just that he's been dead for two years.

5900 West Chester Road
West Chester, Ohio

12PM Check for Mail

Secretary: All morning I've been so happy, singing and dancing and now the whole day is ruined. Oh, I could commit carry harry right now!

Monson Way
Tunbridge Wells, Kent
UK


Overheard by: Benjaminov

11AM Maybe Those Are Actually the Choices Down in Oz

Boss: Can you help me with this Word document? I want to change it so that the layout is horizontal instead of vertical.
Secretary: Okay, go into File, then Page Setup.
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: You see where it says "Page Source"?
Boss: Yep.
Secretary: Okay. Now you see where it says "Orientation"? Make your choice.
Boss: Gay or straight?

525 Collins Street
Melbourne, Victoria
Australia


Overheard by: Captain Pants

3PM I Dream That We Can All Talk That Way to Mgmt.

Former VP: I heard you were dreaming about me.
Executive Assistant: If the person gave you the impression that it was in a positive connotation, they were gravely mistaken.

1000 Voorhees Drive
Voorhees, New Jersey

9AM She Means an Anti-Aircraft Gun Commander

Elderly secretary: His friend looked like...you know...one of those people who blow up planes.

3 Five Point Road
Freehold, New Jersey


Overheard by: Robert Freeman

7AM Just Take the Window and Make Us All Happy

Employee: I need to go to Accounting. What floor is that on?
Receptionist: It's on two.
Employee: Is that up or down?

11 West 53 St
New York, NY

7PM Which Means You Have to Want to

Assistant: Is this poster going to be mandatory?
Manager: We're going to treat this as being required, but not mandatory.

227 W. Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois


Overheard by: Caleb Yarian

12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound

VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.

30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY

7AM So is He Bruce Springsteen or Tony Danza?

Speakerphone: So, we're filling out nametags for next week's meeting. What's Randy's title?
Receptionist: Well, he's The Boss.
Speakerphone: Okay, but what's his title?
Receptionist: "The Boss". He's The Boss.
Speakerphone: All right, he's your boss, but what's his title?
Receptionist: He's "The Boss"!
Speakerphone: Oh, well then...um, okay that's great. Thanks for your help.

35555 Garfield Road
Clinton Township, Michigan


Overheard by: Stephanie Saffold

8AM Do You Have Any Idea How Many Pies Are in One of Her?

Big fat receptionist: Ooh what is that?
Office worker #1: A caramel mochiatto from Starbucks.
Big fat receptionist: I hope you brought me one!
Office worker #2: Do you have any idea how many calories are in one of those?

200 Park Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Sebastian O'Conner

6PM The Scouts Were Always Out & Flaming

Receptionist: Were you here on Tuesday? The smell was awful.
Worker Bee: I kind of liked it, it reminds me of my days as a firefighter.
Receptionist: I didn't know you're a fireman?!
Worker Bee: Well, it was in Boy Scout camp...a long time ago.

810 Seventh Ave

6AM Then You Might Not Want to Work at Goldman Sachs

Butcher: Careful! Blood on the ground's slippery.
Clerk: ...I never want to hear anyone say that to me again.

110 Route 23
Riverdale, New Jersey

12PM They're Usually on the East Side

Receptionist: Hello. May I help you?
Woman: I would like to apply for a job here.
Receptionist: Why are you leaving your current job?
Woman: Ain't no movin' up positions.

220 Dupont Street
Brooklyn, New York


Overheard by: Jack Boston

6PM He's Good at Receiving Info, Not Sending It

Receptionist guy: Ohhh, it's in the park!
Guest: Huh?
Receptionist guy: I'm addressing myself. I just chose you as the object I'm projecting upon.

454 W. 16th Street
New York, NY

6AM Diversity: Celebrating One Another's Differences

OB/Gyn receptionist: No, I swear, they all walk funny. All of 'em! I think it's because of the foot binding.

170 W. 12th Street
New York, NY

12PM "Talk Dirty to Me" Said Her Boss