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9AM That's the Ulcer Perforating
Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um... You just hit the printer icon... What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon... Okay, hold up. Let's just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don't really hit it -- just click, okay? Now click 'All programs'... M-hmmm... Now click 'Microsoft Office, and then 'Microsoft Word.' You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the 'X.' [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute -- you'll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the 'X.' [After pause] Now you type -- you know -- typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don't save it, then it won't stay on your computer... What exactly are you typing and printing in there? ... You know what? Never mind. It's better if I just don't know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can't ship anything without him checking the parts first... I have a good feeling in my belly now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM The Little-Known Eleventh Plague
Smoke breaker on cell: By the way, I just 86-ed you from Poker-Game dot net*... Yeah, you can't log on Poker-Game anymore.
2001 Lind Avebue SW
Renton, Washington
5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
3PM Frankly, I Don't Think Anyone Would Eat That Shit on a Boat
Recruiter on phone: That's not a Greek philosopher -- that's Dr. Seuss!
Washington, DC
4PM Can't We Ever Discuss Religion or Politics?
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don't like talking about MySpace! ... Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Yes, I Know They All Smell Bad
Curator on cell: So, have you found the dead artist yet?
Art gallery
London
England
4PM And I Meant What I Said about the Mullet
Sales assistant on phone: What? I thought you were a boy. Well, as long as they don't match.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: what?
4PM Just When You Thought It Would Be Dull to Live in Texas
Reporter on phone: On that naked guy story, was that 18-wheeler his? ... Is he out of jail yet? ... He was slippery?
Beaumont, Texas
2PM Mrs. Fields Has Her Fingers in a Lot of Pies
Sweet-looking old lady on phone: What's the word on the street? Yeah, that little girl will do just fine... I told her it doesn't hurt. Well, if you get a good client, it doesn't hurt... Well, I've got twenty... Great, bye!
University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Terrified Co-Worker
9AM ... Greg.
Shouting man on cell: Titty-fucking is sex, honey! You promised!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM I Keep Voting Them into Office
Cube dweller on phone: I have this thing with gaping voids...
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
2PM Her Kids Get Beaten Up Every School Day
Fashion exec on phone: Did you smell your shorts yet?
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: I smelled them too
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
1PM ... How Many of You Believe I Am a Douchebag?
Conference call leader: Okay, so, by a show of hands...
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
5PM Coddery Barn?
Lawyer on cell: ... But where am I supposed to find a codpiece?!
Park Central Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Disturbed Paralegal
2PM When Cats Are Forced to Live in Suburban New Jersey
Cube dweller on phone: Stupid, beer-drinking cat.
Bedminster, New Jersey
3PM We're a Classy Joint -- Save the Duct Tape for Your Pants
HR clerk on phone: Yes, it is true that flip-flops are prohibited by the company dress code... No, the addition of duct tape will not qualify flip-flops as closed-toe shoes.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Tell Him This Is No Way to Treat His Mother
Salesman on phone: Yes, I'm calling to speak to Stan*.
Guy answering phone: One moment, I'll see if he's in the office. [Muffled] Stan, there's someone on the phone for you. What should I tell them?
Stan: No, tell them I'm not here.
Guy answering phone, to salesman: I'm sorry, sir, he must have stepped out. Hhe's not in the shop.
Salesman: Are you kidding? I could hear you yell, 'Stan, there's someone on the phone for you,' and then he yelled back, 'Tell them I'm not here...'
Guy answering phone: Oh, sorry... Yeah, I should have muted it. Yeah, he's actually in the shower right now and can't get to the phone.
Salesman: ... I'll call back later.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
12PM When Oprah Writes Her Own Press Statements
Guy on phone: She's not God, but she's a good candidate.
7th Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
2PM Oh, Okay -- Didn't Know It Was That Kind of Shower
Lady on phone: He's going to the baby shower? Holy shit. I know he's gay, but he has a penis.
825 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tami D'Intern
4PM The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!
Coworker on phone: You have to go East... How should I know? I don't know East from West!
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
3PM Or That Some of Them Involved Donkeys
Cube rat on cell: So, I'm really annoyed because TJ* keeps ordering movies on the TV, and I told him he's going to have to pay for them... I just don't trust him... I know he's my boyfriend! You can block someone from doing that? Cool! ... I know, and he kept asking me whether I minded because he was ordering lots of movies, or if I minded that some of them were porn...
College admissions office
Wisconsin
2PM He Must Be Quite a Guy
Cube girl on phone: Don't call it my 'bosom' -- that makes me feel old. [A minute later] How many redheads with big boobs do you know?! Oh, your fiancée, I see. I didn't know that.
Houston, Texas
5PM Doesn't Seem to Help the Itching Much
Worker bee on phone: Isn't your husband anointed? Well, why don't you just have him lay hands on you, then?
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
11AM And Made a Clean Getaway
College worker chick on cell: ... And nachos, so they poured hot sauce on me. But I was wearing happy pants, so I threw them away.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: huh?
5PM If You Show Up Dressed As Barney Again, We Will Light Your Tail on Fire
Coworker on phone: Just wear your own clothes.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: DC Diva
5PM What Kind of Flowers?
Black suit on cell: Lemme get this straight -- she filed a restraining order against you and you're still calling her and sending her flowers? That ain't love, man. That's... insanity.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Kim
4PM Whoever Answers the Phone Will Be Happy to Abuse You
Office girl on phone: I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Is there something I can do to you? Shit. I mean for you?
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Christina
5PM To Hear Me Speak Like an Automated System, Press 1...
Pharmacy tech on phone: Thanks for calling ABC Pharmacy*... Yes, ma'am. Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am! Just speak your refill number to me -- don't punch it in your phone!
Braselton Highway
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: PharmDawg
2PM They'll Help Us Whip This Project into Shape
Smart guy: I sent a copy of that e-mail out to the S&M guys, too.
Conference call audience: Okay, sounds good.
Progress Boulevard
Alachua, Florida
Overheard by: Cramped office-mate
5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?
Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!
Connecticut
1PM Thanks for Sharing
Secretary on phone: No, I haven't been well lately. I've had a bout of shingles all summer. From my breast bone to my hip, all down my right side... Shingles! No, shingles! Do you know what that is? It's herpes! All down my right side!
1 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Most Extras in Hollywood Are Golems Now
Foreign producer on phone: I tell him it's okay if you're dead... We'll make from him a midget...
Film studio
Hollywood, California
4PM But It Turns Out I Was Wrong
Receptionist on phone in earshot of a client: She said that she told her manager, 'I hate my fucking job.' I told her that it was completely inappropriate to say 'fuck' at work.
Austin, Texas
10AM Customers Are Starting to Complain
Sales rep answering phone: Sales department... Oh, hi... Really? Thank God, because I have been scratching down there all night!
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM The Plot Thickens...
Cube rat on phone: I saw the puppy on my lunch break... Yeah, now I have to go home and scrub the bathroom floor with my teeth.
Irving, Texas
1PM The One That Looks Like a Penis
Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: phone room peon
12PM For the Last Time, This Is a Library
Boss on phone: I am not your proctologist today, sir!
3500 Boulevard de Maisonneuve
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: the receptionist
1PM I Mean, the Dog, the Cane -- What Would You Think?
Boss to client on phone: I walked her home every day for months because I thought she was blind!
1430 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM Well, Not Used Successfully
Engineer on phone: I could try to sell you a penis enlarging pump instead, if you'd like... No, of course it's not used!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
11AM And Make Sure the Kids Don't Either
Harried mom coworker on phone: Oh, and stay off the roof, and don't play with the sulfuric acid!
Warwick Boulevard
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: Next desk over
10AM But I Guess It's Not Like Anyone's Listening
Child welfare worker on cell: I won't be over at my client's place long. I just need to go there real quick and see her child naked... Maybe I shouldn't say this in the middle of a mall.
Woodland Hills Mall
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Bob
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
4PM People Say Things at Work They'd Never Say Anywhere Else
Office girl on phone: Am I coming into you or are you coming into me?
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: John
1PM So They'll Have Lots to Polish
Exec assistant on phone: They're gay boys, so... you know... maybe a little more stainless steel...
47th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Um, Should It Be?
Lady worker on phone: So, is this a bring-your-own-rubber-chicken kind of party?
Coffee brewery corporate center
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Gryndyl
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
5PM Sounds Like It's Gonna Be Some PTA Meeting
Agent on phone: Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrington*. I just wanted to remind you to purchase a very snug belt before July 20th because you will get your pants rocked off.
6000 East Camelback Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM It Won't Get Out of Bed for Less Than 10 Thousand
Employee on phone: You couldn't pay your dick three thousand dollars to work!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: jen
3PM Since My Husband Was Turned to Stone
Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.
1120 NW Couch Street
Portland, Oregon
12PM Anesthetics Are No Substitute for Social Skills
Coworker on phone: Some people are just turned off by her personality. She was on the phone with Cheryl* the other day talking about how they rubbed chloroform all over her body.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget