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9AM That's the Ulcer Perforating
Coworker on phone with QC guy: Um... You just hit the printer icon... What? Well, just type it on a Word document. Uh, you type, then hit that aforementioned printer icon... Okay, hold up. Let's just start from square one, shall we? First, is your computer on this time? Okay, hit your start button, down there at the bottom of your screen. Uh, and don't really hit it -- just click, okay? Now click 'All programs'... M-hmmm... Now click 'Microsoft Office, and then 'Microsoft Word.' You get a pop-up on your computer about macros. Click the 'X.' [Sighs.] Well, give it a minute -- you'll have a pop-up. Very good. Yes, hit the 'X.' [After pause] Now you type -- you know -- typey-type-type-type? Then print. Right. No, if you don't save it, then it won't stay on your computer... What exactly are you typing and printing in there? ... You know what? Never mind. It's better if I just don't know. [Hangs up, then speaks to self.] And I can't ship anything without him checking the parts first... I have a good feeling in my belly now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM The Little-Known Eleventh Plague
Smoke breaker on cell: By the way, I just 86-ed you from Poker-Game dot net*... Yeah, you can't log on Poker-Game anymore.
2001 Lind Avebue SW
Renton, Washington
5PM Do You Solemnly Swear to Tell the Hose Truth and Nothing but the Truth?
Office chick on phone: I know! He was all, 'I really like your hoses...' I did -- I told him I liked his hoses as well -- I'm not rude.
Itasca, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry
3PM Frankly, I Don't Think Anyone Would Eat That Shit on a Boat
Recruiter on phone: That's not a Greek philosopher -- that's Dr. Seuss!
Washington, DC
4PM Can't We Ever Discuss Religion or Politics?
Legal assistant on phone: I said I don't like talking about MySpace! ... Because it always starts a fight!
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Yes, I Know They All Smell Bad
Curator on cell: So, have you found the dead artist yet?
Art gallery
London
England
4PM And I Meant What I Said about the Mullet
Sales assistant on phone: What? I thought you were a boy. Well, as long as they don't match.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: what?
4PM Just When You Thought It Would Be Dull to Live in Texas
Reporter on phone: On that naked guy story, was that 18-wheeler his? ... Is he out of jail yet? ... He was slippery?
Beaumont, Texas
2PM Mrs. Fields Has Her Fingers in a Lot of Pies
Sweet-looking old lady on phone: What's the word on the street? Yeah, that little girl will do just fine... I told her it doesn't hurt. Well, if you get a good client, it doesn't hurt... Well, I've got twenty... Great, bye!
University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Terrified Co-Worker
9AM ... Greg.
Shouting man on cell: Titty-fucking is sex, honey! You promised!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM I Keep Voting Them into Office
Cube dweller on phone: I have this thing with gaping voids...
1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
2PM Her Kids Get Beaten Up Every School Day
Fashion exec on phone: Did you smell your shorts yet?
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: I smelled them too
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
1PM ... How Many of You Believe I Am a Douchebag?
Conference call leader: Okay, so, by a show of hands...
40th Street and 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
5PM Coddery Barn?
Lawyer on cell: ... But where am I supposed to find a codpiece?!
Park Central Drive
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Disturbed Paralegal
2PM When Cats Are Forced to Live in Suburban New Jersey
Cube dweller on phone: Stupid, beer-drinking cat.
Bedminster, New Jersey
3PM We're a Classy Joint -- Save the Duct Tape for Your Pants
HR clerk on phone: Yes, it is true that flip-flops are prohibited by the company dress code... No, the addition of duct tape will not qualify flip-flops as closed-toe shoes.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Tell Him This Is No Way to Treat His Mother
Salesman on phone: Yes, I'm calling to speak to Stan*.
Guy answering phone: One moment, I'll see if he's in the office. [Muffled] Stan, there's someone on the phone for you. What should I tell them?
Stan: No, tell them I'm not here.
Guy answering phone, to salesman: I'm sorry, sir, he must have stepped out. Hhe's not in the shop.
Salesman: Are you kidding? I could hear you yell, 'Stan, there's someone on the phone for you,' and then he yelled back, 'Tell them I'm not here...'
Guy answering phone: Oh, sorry... Yeah, I should have muted it. Yeah, he's actually in the shower right now and can't get to the phone.
Salesman: ... I'll call back later.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Andrew
12PM When Oprah Writes Her Own Press Statements
Guy on phone: She's not God, but she's a good candidate.
7th Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
2PM Oh, Okay -- Didn't Know It Was That Kind of Shower
Lady on phone: He's going to the baby shower? Holy shit. I know he's gay, but he has a penis.
825 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tami D'Intern
4PM The Sun? Dude, I Work in a Windowless Prison!
Coworker on phone: You have to go East... How should I know? I don't know East from West!
Melville, New York
Overheard by: Super Mike
3PM Or That Some of Them Involved Donkeys
Cube rat on cell: So, I'm really annoyed because TJ* keeps ordering movies on the TV, and I told him he's going to have to pay for them... I just don't trust him... I know he's my boyfriend! You can block someone from doing that? Cool! ... I know, and he kept asking me whether I minded because he was ordering lots of movies, or if I minded that some of them were porn...
College admissions office
Wisconsin
2PM He Must Be Quite a Guy
Cube girl on phone: Don't call it my 'bosom' -- that makes me feel old. [A minute later] How many redheads with big boobs do you know?! Oh, your fiancée, I see. I didn't know that.
Houston, Texas
5PM Doesn't Seem to Help the Itching Much
Worker bee on phone: Isn't your husband anointed? Well, why don't you just have him lay hands on you, then?
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
11AM And Made a Clean Getaway
College worker chick on cell: ... And nachos, so they poured hot sauce on me. But I was wearing happy pants, so I threw them away.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: huh?
5PM If You Show Up Dressed As Barney Again, We Will Light Your Tail on Fire
Coworker on phone: Just wear your own clothes.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: DC Diva
5PM What Kind of Flowers?
Black suit on cell: Lemme get this straight -- she filed a restraining order against you and you're still calling her and sending her flowers? That ain't love, man. That's... insanity.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Kim
4PM Whoever Answers the Phone Will Be Happy to Abuse You
Office girl on phone: I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Is there something I can do to you? Shit. I mean for you?
Cornwall
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Christina
5PM To Hear Me Speak Like an Automated System, Press 1...
Pharmacy tech on phone: Thanks for calling ABC Pharmacy*... Yes, ma'am. Ma'am... Ma'am... Ma'am! Just speak your refill number to me -- don't punch it in your phone!
Braselton Highway
Dacula, Georgia
Overheard by: PharmDawg
2PM They'll Help Us Whip This Project into Shape
Smart guy: I sent a copy of that e-mail out to the S&M guys, too.
Conference call audience: Okay, sounds good.
Progress Boulevard
Alachua, Florida
Overheard by: Cramped office-mate
5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?
Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!
Connecticut
1PM Thanks for Sharing
Secretary on phone: No, I haven't been well lately. I've had a bout of shingles all summer. From my breast bone to my hip, all down my right side... Shingles! No, shingles! Do you know what that is? It's herpes! All down my right side!
1 Beacon Street
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM Most Extras in Hollywood Are Golems Now
Foreign producer on phone: I tell him it's okay if you're dead... We'll make from him a midget...
Film studio
Hollywood, California
4PM But It Turns Out I Was Wrong
Receptionist on phone in earshot of a client: She said that she told her manager, 'I hate my fucking job.' I told her that it was completely inappropriate to say 'fuck' at work.
Austin, Texas
10AM Customers Are Starting to Complain
Sales rep answering phone: Sales department... Oh, hi... Really? Thank God, because I have been scratching down there all night!
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM The Plot Thickens...
Cube rat on phone: I saw the puppy on my lunch break... Yeah, now I have to go home and scrub the bathroom floor with my teeth.
Irving, Texas
1PM The One That Looks Like a Penis
Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: phone room peon
12PM For the Last Time, This Is a Library
Boss on phone: I am not your proctologist today, sir!
3500 Boulevard de Maisonneuve
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: the receptionist
1PM I Mean, the Dog, the Cane -- What Would You Think?
Boss to client on phone: I walked her home every day for months because I thought she was blind!
1430 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts
4PM Well, Not Used Successfully
Engineer on phone: I could try to sell you a penis enlarging pump instead, if you'd like... No, of course it's not used!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
11AM And Make Sure the Kids Don't Either
Harried mom coworker on phone: Oh, and stay off the roof, and don't play with the sulfuric acid!
Warwick Boulevard
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: Next desk over
10AM But I Guess It's Not Like Anyone's Listening
Child welfare worker on cell: I won't be over at my client's place long. I just need to go there real quick and see her child naked... Maybe I shouldn't say this in the middle of a mall.
Woodland Hills Mall
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Bob
3PM Remember How We Said If You Asked That Again You'd Be Fired?
Sales rep on phone: Um, I don't know, let me check... [Mutes phone and yells to coworkers] Do we carry Big Ben's nut sauce?!
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laughing too hard to answer
4PM People Say Things at Work They'd Never Say Anywhere Else
Office girl on phone: Am I coming into you or are you coming into me?
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: John
1PM So They'll Have Lots to Polish
Exec assistant on phone: They're gay boys, so... you know... maybe a little more stainless steel...
47th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Um, Should It Be?
Lady worker on phone: So, is this a bring-your-own-rubber-chicken kind of party?
Coffee brewery corporate center
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Gryndyl
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
5PM Sounds Like It's Gonna Be Some PTA Meeting
Agent on phone: Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrington*. I just wanted to remind you to purchase a very snug belt before July 20th because you will get your pants rocked off.
6000 East Camelback Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
3PM It Won't Get Out of Bed for Less Than 10 Thousand
Employee on phone: You couldn't pay your dick three thousand dollars to work!
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: jen
3PM Since My Husband Was Turned to Stone
Manager on phone to client: Yeah, that's like someone watching me take a shower, and after two kids, no one wants to see that.
1120 NW Couch Street
Portland, Oregon
12PM Anesthetics Are No Substitute for Social Skills
Coworker on phone: Some people are just turned off by her personality. She was on the phone with Cheryl* the other day talking about how they rubbed chloroform all over her body.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
1PM Investment Wanker Hard at Work
Cube rat on phone: Sometimes when you go vertical it's hotter than horizontal... You just have to play with it. Sometimes when I'm shooting and I'm too far away from the men's room...
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: widget
12PM Without Warning, My Metaphor Turned on Me
Peon on phone: No, no, I believe that you sent it. I just didn't receive it. I even told Jen* that you wouldn't drop the ball. You are on the ball. You are on balls I haven't even seen yet.
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: OMG
1PM If It Was Bud Light, I've Lost All Respect for Him
Lady peon on cell: ... And then there was a picture of him with a beer can up his butt.
Armar Drive
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Overheard by: b
10AM Don't Want Him to Get What I Got
Peon on phone, about his son: ... So I bought him condoms... Yes, Mom, I know he's 15, but I was having sex at 15...
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: amused and disgusted all at once
11AM I Just Unplug Their Cable
Coworker on phone to husband: We have to start hiding that camera from her. Yeah, yeah... You want me to beat her? Honey, I'm kidding! I'm just kidding! You know I never beat the kids.
14750 Miller Avenue
Fontana, California
Overheard by: Sara
2PM Some PAC Money and We're on Our Way
Supervisor on phone: Yeah, it usually takes about, I don't know, three or four days to get the good whores, and then...
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM And Therefore Diseased
Cube rat on phone: They're cheap and easy.
9744 Forest Lane
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Renee
3PM Uncle Walter, for Shame!
Cube rat on phone: Yeah, last year I did about 75 kids, and I'm hoping to do more this year.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
4PM Hey, Listen, I Gotta Go Fly a Plane. Talk to You Later?
Loud guy on cell: No way! Last time they didn't charge me with a felony!
Blue Grass Airport
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: Glad to be leaving the States
12PM It's What Dad Would've Wanted
Woman on cell: ... So now instead of going to the funeral we're going to the strawberry festival.
Indiana government center
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Mmm... strawberries
4PM Freud Discovers Psychoanalysis and Calls His Mom
Manager on phone: Oh, yes, I remember now. Fuck you!
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
1PM Caller: Good News! They Told Me It Was Okay!
Coworker on phone: I believe the court will look unfavorably at you getting arrested, yes... Well, yeah, obviously a misdemeanor would be better than a felony... I am not saying it's okay. I'm saying that the court tends to sort of get pissed off at you when you get arrested at all, but it's even worse when you get arrested for a felony-level offense. What do you mean, you're not planning on getting caught? You're asking me about what your chances would be of getting your kids back if you got arrested... I'm pretty sure that's a felony. And no, I don't think the court will be lenient with you if you say you hold the drugs to make money to get your kids back. Not the criminal court or our court... Um, that's definitely a crime. Okay. Bye [hangs up]... How weird is it that I felt like there was nothing wrong with that conversation until after I got off the phone with her?
425 Shatto Place
Los Angeles, California
4PM Or Just Kick Him Like Usual?
Phone rep: Yes, Jerry* is here. Would you like me to punch him?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah R
9AM The Texas Supreme Court Docket Has It All!
Office peon on phone: It's got everything -- sex toys, dumb people, oil companies...
Washington, DC
Overheard by: um, yeah
4PM At Least, We Think It Will Be Them
Boss on phone to wife: Yes, they'll be in this evening. Well, afternoon-ish... Probably in the morning.
Cardiff
Wales
2PM I Told Them They Needed to Get at Least Four More or They'd Be Fired
Chick on cell: So, I'm clearing room in the back for more stock, and those fuckers have a case of beer back there...
Mall
Burnaby, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Christmas shopper wanted to know what store she works at...
1PM The Zen Oven Is Generally Low-Maintenance
Manager on phone with refrigeration company: That oven that never comes on but is always on? It didn't come on.
Answering service: Would you please repeat that?
Manager: You know, that oven that never comes on but is always on? Well, it didn't come on.
Answering service: Thank you, sir. I'll let the service rep know.
Restaurant, Slide Road and Loop 289
Lubbock, Texas
9AM Myra Makes a Counterintelligence Breakthrough
Girl on cell: Don't worry, I Photoshopped my moles off, so the boobs are unidentifiable.
Main Street
Greenville, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
11AM This Is Exactly How Patrick Stewart Got Started, I Swear
Producer on phone with actor she wants to put in taco suit: We're a little ways from Shakespeare in the Park, I know...
110 Leroy Street
New York, New York
4PM So "Demented Old Crab" Is Your Diagnosis?
Social worker on phone: No! Stay away from that negative force. She is a demented old crab! Okay, I love you, too. Drive safe. And remember -- no crabs. And pick up some Vonnegut now that he's dead.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
12PM When You Get Vestibular Guacamole, Don't Come Crying to Me
Girl on phone: It's like, 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse,' but in your case, 'A burrito, a burrito, the health of my inner ear for a burrito.' It's truly sad.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM You See the Shovel under Glass That Says "Break in Case of Emergency"?
Worker on phone: It's covered in poo -- what do I do?!
Fancy chocolate store, Stony Point Fashion Park
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Yum-yum
10AM And Each Evening I Hose Down the Sidewalk
Manager on phone: Yeah, I've got a little apartment on the gay side of the French quarter. Sometimes in the morning I have to beat them off to get out my doorway.
4621 West Napoleon Avenue
Metairie, Louisiana
Overheard by: PeauxBoy
5PM It Does Seem That the Planet Has Enough People
Woman on phone: So, the reason he can't cum is because he virtually has no sperm count. No sperm at all. That's such a relief!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rosie
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart
Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!
Evanston, Wyoming
2PM And Don't We All Want That?
Lady on cell: ... Yeah, that's why he wants to keep the urine acidic...
3940 Quebec Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Cranberry Juice
9AM Waiter, I'll Have the Couch Potato with a Side of Gullible
Caller: I just arrived at my lake house for the summer, and the satellite TV isn't working! Why is it off?!
CSR: Sir, please stay calm. It's simple: we just need to reset your receiver since you've been away for a while.
Caller: How long will that take?
CSR: It's easy, sir. Do you have a potato handy?
Caller: Um, let me see... [Pause] Yes, we just picked some up at the store on our way in -- stocking up.
CSR: Great, sir. An apple would also work. Now, what I need you to do is to cut that potato in half. Then I need you place one half of the potato face-down on top of your receiver. Please make sure it's dry.
Caller: What?
CSR: Trust me, sir, I'm a professional. We'll have your service back on in no time.
Caller: Okay... [Long pause] Alright, done. Now what?
CSR: Great, sir. The potato will act upon your receiver's magnetic field and will bring the service back online momentarily. It's a built-in security feature so that no one can use your dish while you're away for most of the year.
CSR presses service reset button, remote satellite transmits 'wake up' signal to inactive receiver, TV comes on.
Caller: That's amazing! Who'd have thought... a potato! Will this work every time?
CSR: Just give us a call if you have any problems in the future, and thank you for using this service.
Bradford Drive
Huntsville, Alabama
2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?
Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: brian
11AM Talking to Voicemail Will Do This to You
Assistant on phone: Do you sell custom rings? Rings, yes... Rings. Rings! Rings... For fingers... Rings for fingers! You are a jewelry store, right? Rings... Rings!
Talent Management company
Beverly Hills, California
5PM Try Clenching the Other Sphincter
Girl on phone: I've been doing kegels for a week and I haven't pooped. I think I'm doing something wrong.
In front of Hart Senate Building
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
4PM It's Not You, It's Me
Guy on phone: I'm single, I'm not tied-down, I'm Italian -- what the fuck else do you want?
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: tmg
5PM We Ran Out of Monkey Wax
Research supervisor on phone: So, question -- monkeys. Apparently one got a rash during the drug trial, but no one noticed because she was really hairy. Yeah, really, really hairy. She's a hairy monkey. What do you know about that?
West Point, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alison
4PM She Fell for Midas Muffler's Free Breast Exam Promotion
Black woman on cell: All he did was look at my vagina, and I owe him 300 dollars?
Federal Credit Union, 2nd Avenue and Chestnut Street
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM You Should Have Had a Few Spares
Administrator on phone: Yeah, my cat passed away last Sunday. I put him in a paper bag and put it out on the curb for... for trash pick-up... What else could I do? Can't put him in the back yard. Yeah, I gotta get a new place. I can't stand the mice anymore.
Department of Education, 65 Court Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Emma
11AM ... Which, Here at the Haagen-Dazs Quality-Control Division, We View As an Asset
Woman on phone: Yes, thank you -- she has an excessive licking problem.
East Sprague
Spokane, Washington
9AM Mariah Carey?
Coworker on phone: Quick, think of a biracial vegetable!
Seattle, Washington
4PM Wait 'til She Learns They're All Self-Help Books about Outing Yourself to Your Parents
Collegiate on cell: Hey, Mom, you'll be proud of me -- I actually bought books at Borders -- to read!
Barnes & Noble, Center City
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: book stacker
12PM So He Can Finally Tell Me a Little about Himself
Coworker on phone: He is into all the stuff I am, like anal and light spanking and nibbling, and we are going to go for coffee next week.
24th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
10AM If You Have to Ask, You Ain't Never Gonna Know
Male phone representative to female customer: Mmm... Okay... Yeah... Am I married?
Call Center
Beaverton, Oregon
12PM Yes, Ask Him Why He Never Returns My Calls
Client on phone: May I talk to Mr. Ackerman*, please?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, but Mr. Ackerman doesn't work here anymore. Would you like to leave a message?
Toledo, Ohio
Overheard by: jullylully
2PM Neo Has Trouble with the Matrix Again
Sales guy on phone: Yeah, we need to quantitate that. Mmm-hmmm. Well, I can't make ends meet of this spreadsheet.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
4PM I Came to Glasgow on a Holiday of Self-Mortification
CSR on phone: Yes, I know. I'm sorry, I am French.
Percepta, Sauchiehall Street
Glasgow
Scotland
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
2PM The Course Was 'Unleash Your Psychic Powers'
IT manager on phone: You're right, ma'am. Yes, that is entirely our fault. We should have explained that you'll need to have a computer to teach a course online.
Denver Tech Center
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: rev_matt
1PM What a Fulozer
CSR on phone: And what size product do you have?
Customer: Where do I find that?
CSR: It should be on the front of the label, probably on the bottom.
Customer: No, it's not there. All it says there is 'Eight fulozos.'
CSR: Uh... Do you mean 'Eight fluid ounces'?
Customer: No... It says 'Fulozos.'
1905 Aston Avenue
Carlsbad, California
4PM ... I Seem to Have Lost Possession of It
Cell phone technician: This is Mariah*, how can I help you?
Customer: Yes ma'am, I just bought the Sony Exorcism phone, and...
7111 N Prince Street
Clovis, New Mexico
Overheard by: it's a sony ERICSSON!!!! LMAO
12PM A Better Solution Than 'Always Turn Left'
Receptionist on phone: I know, this piercing is the best! Now whenever I have sex with someone really stupid, they are bound to find it!
The Generator Hostel
London, England
Overheard by: JJK
4PM So You'll Have to Buy a Clue Somewhere Else
Customer on phone: Can you transfer me to the Electronic section?
Best Buy clerk: Uh, anyone in particular?
Customer on phone: Yes, Electronics.
Best Buy clerk: Sir, you do realize we are an electronic store, right?
Bowie, Maryland
11AM Reagan: The Hidden Diaries
Employee on phone: Did you poop? Did you poop today? Will you poop with me when I get home? Okay, we'll poop together when I get home.
New York, New York
4PM Maybe You Should Try Singing with Your Mouth
Employee on phone: Church choir practice kicked my ass last night!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
12PM I Don't Care Who's Going Into Labor, Just Get Me That Keg
20-something guy on phone: Hey! Yeah, whatever. Do you have the keg? No, no listen to... Shut up! Listen to me! Do you have the keg?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Picadilly Bones
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
4PM She Was Breast-Feeding, You Sicko
Coworker on phone: And I like them already, they seem pretty cool. Nothing like starting my day with a cute chick showing me her boob.
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i wanna see!
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
4PM I'll Eat What I Can and Take the Rest Home for Breakfast
Guy on the phone: Yeah, so I'll just eat a light dinner and when we get there we can share a cowboy... Oh yeah, that sounds much better!
Tucson, AZ
4PM You Know That Rumor That Iron Filings Are Better Than Cocaine?
Man on cell: What made you stick a magnet up your nose?
5th & Jackson Streets
Topeka, Kansas
3PM I Just Hate Being Held Accountable for My Actions
CSR: Thanks for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Client on phone: Yeah, I was just talking to Roger* and we lost connection. Maybe you can finish walking me through whatever.
CSR: Sir, we do not have a Roger. You were just talking to me. We didn't lose connection. You hung up on me and I was walking you through understanding that our software does not do "whatever."
Eighth Floor, Galleria
Hoover, Alabama
11AM Why Don't You Give It to Me Now So I Can Call You Later and Get It from You
Suit #1: Why didn't you call me?
Suit #2: I didn't have your number.
Suit #1: If you called me I could have given it to you.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
10AM Why Rome Fell
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn't that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
12PM Because I've Heard Stories About These 'Dingoes'
Employee on phone with child care center: Ummm, I don't know... do you have trouble with children escaping?
Canberra, Australia
Overheard by: the entire, amused office
3PM Would You Like to Sue Maury? Because We Can Help You There.
Receptionist on phone: Hello, law offices...Excuse me? I think you have the wrong number. This is a law office. No, this law office has nothing to do with the Maury Show. Sir, you know, I really think you have the wrong number...No, our number is nothing like that...Well, I don't know, are you drunk? Really? Well, good for you...Okay, well, good luck in getting through to Maury.
350 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Who's on (Safety) First?
Receptionist: Hello! Thank you for calling Avon Safety*, where safety comes first. How may I direct your call?
Voice #1: How do I direct the call?
Voice #2: [indecipherable]
Voice #1: I don't know. That's all it says...
Receptionist: Hello? This is not a recording.
Voice #1: She said it's a recording.
Receptionist: No! This is not a recording! Hello?
Voice #1: What do I do?
Voice #2: Hang up.
Avon, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Fae
3PM I Will Now Return to My Reverie, Already in Progress
Lawyer on phone: Ya know, I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying, but I am leaning towards agreeing with you.
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: IWNDRY
10AM I Still Say Mother Teresa Was a Rock Star
Manager on phone: She was a nun. No, she was a nun! She was a nun! She was! She was a nun! A nun!!
330 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
3PM He's Fated to Become the Regional Manager
Employee: Fuck you very much for calling Blockbuster; how may I abuse you?...Oh, hi, Bill* [regional manager]...Yeah, today's my last day.
Blockbuster
Del Mar, California
Overheard by: Petyr
9AM How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid's Out of Diapers
Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you'd expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma'am. Can I put you on hold?
Perth, Western Australia
Overheard by: only hernia-ed it
4PM Then I Got to Thinking That Maybe I Am Julie and Don't Know It
Co-Worker: Hello?
Voice on phone: Is Julie there?
Co-Worker: No. I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Oh, okay. Sorry.
Co-Worker: No problem.
Phone immediately rings again.
Co-Worker: Listen, man, you have the wrong number.
Voice on phone: Are you sure this is your number? I checked, and this is the same number that my friend Julie gave me. Could you call your number and ask her to call me back?
Co-Worker: Sure, just as soon as I get off the phone with you. [Hangs up phone] Jackass.
1200 Sovereign Row
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM Get This Man a Job at Starbucks!
Math genius on the phone: It doesn't really matter to me. It's, like, 12 of one or half a dozen of the other.
333 2nd Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Over-qualified, obviously
4PM He Believes Chrysler Daimlered For Our Sins
Boss on the phone: What religion is he?...That makes sense that he drives a Jeep then.
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: AHHH!!
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
1PM When I Increased the Size of My...Facilities, He Was Unable to Make Inventory
Manager on phone: Yeah, I broke up with him...Yeah, he was okay...Yeah...Yeah...But he just didn't scale.
Silicon Valley, California
Overheard by: David
10AM We're Flying One in From St. Petersburg
Female employee on phone: ...will you outsource the foreskin?
18th Street & Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mikey Z
9AM God, I Hate Snobs
Co-Worker on phone: I do not want to poop in my pants!...I'm way too fucking classy for that.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM Only Bitter Experience Prompts This Kind of Advice
Rep on phone with trucker: You do know you can't drive your rig into the ocean, right? That's bad...Oh, okay. Well, I hope you have a nice view.
1368 Old Fannin Road, Suite 400
Brandon, Mississippi
5PM Why It's Important to Remember Which Perversion Goes With Which Boyfriend
Female employee on cell: You think he still loves me?...No, I think I peed myself right off that pedestal.
201 North Washington Street
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandi
2PM By French Standards, He Got an Obsequiously Polite Person on the Phone
Employee on phone with a French company: I'm sorry that you're offended that I don't speak French, sir...Well, I don't know what to tell you. I speak English and Korean; I just don't speak French. We have a great offer here. I think you'd like to hear about it, even in English...Well, if you'd like I can speak to you with what French I do know but I'm afraid it will only be "hello" and "yes" or "no."...I'm sorry that you think my lack of French represents what's wrong with America in general...
61 Broadway
New York, New York
4PM And He Won't Be. Until the Next Time.
Co-Worker, whispering on phone: And I know I've said this before, but I will never be naked in the file room again...
2811 Wilshire Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
3PM Actually, He's Leaving Reminders For Himself on His Voicemail
Office manager, on the phone: Which one of Mommy's boyfriends beat you badly enough as a child to turn you into the bitter, empty, hollow shell of a human being you are today?
Supervisor, to trainee: See? That's why we have to answer the phone quickly in this office: to keep the managers from picking up the phone. Ever.
221 Corporate Gateway Boulevard
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
3PM It's Important For Friends to Do Things Together, Don't You Think?
Co-Worker on phone: So I was throwing up in the bathroom, and my three best friends were having sex in the stall next to me.
1601 Cloverfield Boulevard
Santa Monica, California
2PM I Thought MDMA Was Something Else
Fundraiser: Hey, man, I need to raise some money for Multiple Dystrophy...[to other guy at table] Yo, man, what does the "A" stand for?
Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon
Miami, Florida
4PM And That Uzi? What Were You Thinking?
Co-worker, on phone with 9-year-old son: I'm not happy with you. I heard you were a bad boy at camp. They told me you hit one of the other kids with a golf club. You shouldn't do that. You could hurt someone.
371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey
3PM Somehow, Terminated in Tulsa Doesn't Quite Have the Right Ring for Schwarzenegger's Next Vehicle
Co-Worker, on phone: When were the children terminated?...Were they terminated here in Tulsa? I'll need to see a copy of that order.
41st and Mingo
Tulsa, Oklahoma
2PM Sleepless in the Hardware Department: Act Two
Salesguy on phone: I got your nuts right here!!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM This Just In: Bon Jovi Fires Insurance Agent
Insurance agent on phone: Garbage? You said garbage? But if it's garbage, why would you need to insure garbage??
East Little Creek Road
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: kim
10AM Lyle's Mistake Was Planning the 12-Days-of-Christmas Diorama from Memory
Co-worker on the phone: Really? And he had six donkeys?
1400 Lacey Boulevard
Hanford, California
Overheard by: suzanne
3PM It's When Stuff Starts Migrating From Salt Lake City That We Have a Problem
Person on phone: "My bad" is out in Salt Lake City? Really? I'm just laughing because my son says that all the time. Do you guys say, "snap," too?
401 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Listening In
12PM Where's Bob Barker When You Need Him?
Woman on the phone in the HEAT assistance office: I can't talk right now, I'm in HEAT.
533 East 26th Street
Ogden, Utah
Overheard by: I see it Now
9AM Next Time Think Before You Ask Someone What's Up Their Butt
Woman on phone: How did they pull it out? Did they cut you open or go up your butt-hole?
University Place
New York, New York
5PM It's 'Mothyr-Fuckynge' in the Constitution
Person on phone, in next cube: Does "motherfucking" have a hyphen in it?...Well, in all these criminal cases I see "motherfucking" without a hyphen and spell-check doesn't recognize it.
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Snorting coffee out my nose
1PM It's Like Falling in Love All Over Again!
Employee on phone: I was picking a booger out of my nose before and lost it, and I didn't know where it went and I just found it on my finger.
390 Sixth Street
Huntington, New York
5PM I've Been Waiting Years for You to Say That!
Woman on phone: I really wanna get you off tonight. [Pause] No, I mean call your manager and see if they need you to come in! Shut up, stop laughing!
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: sneaky pete
2PM That's What the Cargo Pockets are For
Suit on cell: I'm going home and changing into shorts. It's so hot out there I need to throw up.
Washington Mutual
Livermore, California
Overheard by: Stephen
2PM So THAT's How It Is In Their Family
Nurse on phone: I'm sorry, she said she doesn't want to talk to you... Uh huh... Well, we can't make a patient talk to someone on the phone... I'm sorry, that's what she said. You're her husband, right? Oh, you're her mother! Just a moment, please.
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
12PM Lunch
Woman on phone: Mom, tell my brother that if he doesn't pick up his car, I'm gonna have it towed.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want it parked in front of my house.
[pause]
Woman on phone: Because I don't want to advertise to the entire neighborhood that black people live here.
465 Main Street
Charlestown, Massachusetts
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Listen, there's a lot to be said for being punched in the face.
1020 19th Street NW
Washington DC
Overheard by: I just work here
10AM Conference Call
Coworker on the phone: I've been doing the balls and it's been working.
6412 Maple
Westminster, California
1PM Following Up on Fax
Admin on phone: I'm sorry I just wanted to double check that you received it. I am a bit of a wigger.
Pause.
Admin: Wigger? You know, I wig out about stuff.
Pause.
Admin: No, I don't know another meaning to the word wigger, but I guess it's bad since your're telling me not to say it.
333 Earle Boulevard
Uniondale, New York
9AM Back to Work (Or Not)
Voicemail: Please state your name and excuse for absence.
Employee: I'm too drunk to drive.
167 3rd Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
11AM Personal Call
Architect on phone: Alright, you're not understanding me. [pause] Okay, what if I keep this one, but eat the other one... Look, I just need to know can I get any diseases or bacteria from these kittens or what?
2020 South King Street
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: crackin up
4PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: Hello? Hi honey. Yes? No, no. Mayonnaise. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. M-A-Y-O-N-E-S. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise? M. A. Y. O. N. N. A. I. S. E. Mayonnaise? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Okay, see you tonight.
1150 Amsterdam Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Back to Work
Coworker on phone: Honest? I am very honest. I am also very loyal to the company I work for. I give 110% to them every day.
Pause
Coworker on phone: Sure, I can interview with you tomorrow morning.
730 International Parkway
Richardson, Texas
Overheard by: El Gee
2PM Personal Call
Coworker on phone: You live in the country, they were there first! If you didn't want any animals you should have lived in the city!
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
5PM That's a Wrap
Chief accountant on phone: No, this is not a business. This is the U.S. government.
1660 S Columbian Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Rogue Peanut
11AM Personal Call
CSR on phone with daughter: My mom never picked me up when I had cramps. You're staying at school. Period.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Get Answers
Manager on phone: So I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to hate me for not knowing the answer. [pause] That was below the belt. [pause] It's child protection. [pause] Annnyways, I was wondering...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM Vendor Call
Co-worker #1, speaking loudly on headset phone: Well, yeah, I can totally relate to backlog problems! I mean during that refi boom we were just wall to wall with boxes full of papers. We were up to our necks in papers! If the fire marshal would've come in here, I'm pretty positive that he would've shut us down!
Co-worker #2: Should he really be saying that to our vendors?
Co-worker #3: Well, if we ever get closed down due to our vendors calling the fire department on us, at least we'll know who to thank for the days off.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
3PM Conference Call
Guy on phone: We got new digs over here! Yeah, we moved out of the building with all the hot woman and into a big corporate building!
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
1PM Sales Follow-up
Co-worker is on the phone with a customer.
Co-worker: No, I work in an office. And they make me wear pants.
400 Country Club Road
Eugene, Oregon
12PM Lunch
Receptionist over the intercom: Obituaries...Mmmmmmm....
16 Bailey Avenue
Ridgefield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Nikki
11AM Tech Support
Woman on cell: Well, when I get to my office, I'll turn on my computer and run through what you did, to see what may be wrong with your computer. [pause] No, Mom, I can't get onto your computer from my computer.
3301 Fairfax Drive
Arlington, Virginia
5PM That's a Wrap
Worker on phone: I don't care if you threw up or not, I'm not canceling that dentist appointment...Well, take some Tums and go anyway. If you have to throw up again, throw up on them; who cares?
321 Norristown Road
Ambler, Pennsylvania
9AM Back to Work
Employee on phone: Yeah, I'm leaving early today...Because if I don't, I'll kill someone. No, I mean it, someone will literally die at my hands, so I figure I'm helping out the company by leaving early.
900 Commonwealth Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM Lunch
Supervisor on phone: ...I dunno where. You like Korean food? Of course you do, you're one of them.
6101 Wetzel Avenue
Fort Carson, Colorado
11AM Return Calls to Clients
Co-worker on phone: Uh yes, this is [Brett Myers} with the Mortgage Company. It's Wednesday, 10:30 AM...I'm sorry! It's just that...well, you sounded like a voicemail voice.
1350 Deming Way
Middleton, Wisconsin
11AM Monitor Calls
Broker on phone: Why should you buy my bond? Because you buying it is good for my firm, good for me, and two out of three ain't bad.
1100 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
9AM Back to Work
Co-worker on phone: When she goes to a restaurant, does she normally take it off?...Does she normally read the newspaper?...And the pouch, were you able to stick your hands all the way down in the back?
37383 Six Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
Overheard by: Next Door Nancy
4PM Sensitivity Training
Boss on phone: If I ever do something that dumb again I want you to hit me. Hit me like a woman!
1621 18th Street
Denver, Colorado
10AM Data Validation
Agent on phone: When did you die? While you were in the hospital?
37383 6 Mile Road
Livonia, Michigan
11AM Monitor Calls
Junior Help Desk Agent: Nothing makes her happy. All she does is complain. I would hate to be her husband.
Senior Help Desk Agent: Uh, Joe, that is the speakerphone button, not the on-hold button.
User on speaker: Do you think you can stop ranting and help "the bitch" now?
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: EL Gee
11AM Monitor Calls
Customer Service Specialist on phone: No, sir. You just had a credit line increase yesterday...Well, sir. That's how the potato chips.
Customer Service Specialist: ...Damn towelhead.
14700 Citicorp Drive
Hagerstown, Maryland
5PM That's a Wrap
Attorney on phone: I'm good, [Jeff]. I'm riding my bike with a glass of wine in my hand on my way to a strip club...No sorry, I don't know anything about that. I'm too busy mismanaging my files and harrassing my staff to get to that.
999 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
4PM Update Contacts
Secretary on phone: Hi, I have tried twice now to establish myself as the main contact person for our firm with your company via your online customer service, and it still won't change the name...Yes, and I'm considering legally changing my name to [Nathan Blumenthal] because apparently that would be easier than getting it changed with your printing service.
19 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Problems on 12
Co-worker on phone: Hello?...Do I have a minute to come up for a second?
385 Benedict Street
Port Townsend, Washington
9AM Back to Work
Worker on phone: When can you come in today?...Well, I don't know how long it takes to file an Apprehended Violence Order.
94 Todd Street
Alice Springs, Northern Territory
Australia
Overheard by: Daniel Waudby
3PM Smoke Break
Lawyer on cell: Why do you call me when you're trying to name your cats, but you don't call me when you're served with a subpoena?
509 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Schedule Basic Phone Course
Engineer #1: I just lost that guy.
Engineer #2: Didn't you transfer him up front?
Engineer #1: He'll call back.
The phone rings.
Engineer #1 on phone: Hello? ...Uh, yeah, sorry about that...Here you go.
The phone rings.
9531 Rayne Road
Sturtevant, Wisconsin
11AM Damage Control
Co-worker on phone: I'm sorry, can you say that again?...I'm sorry...I'm having some trouble understanding what you're trying to say...Why don't you have your boss call me and we can get this straightened out?
Hangs up.
Co-worker: Just go back to your motherfucking country...Christ.
839 Marshall Phelps Road
Windsor, Connecticut
Overheard by: Douchey Douchelton
2PM Get New Temp
Manager on phone: She'll only be filing and sorting so as long as she doesn't come in drunk and screw up the files, I don't really care about the DUI.
2250 Alcazar Street
Los Angeles, California
2PM Client Meeting
Lawyer on phone: I don't care what you want to do, just file the fucking report! Shut the fuck up and file the fucking thing!
Client: Yikes.
Secretary: He's yelling at his other secretary.
Client: ...Yeah, but--
Lawyer: I said file the fucking thing!
Secretary: It's okay. She's also his wife.
430 West First Street
New Albany, Indiana
5PM You Don't Have to Tell Me Twice
Co-worker on phone: Okay, go home and make dinner and await further instructions.
133 Littleton Road
Westford, Massachusetts
9AM Back to Work
Worker on cell: Sorry about that. I had a pencil in my hand and when I
put the phone to my head, I stabbed myself in the face.
1950 Summit Park Drive
Orlando, Florida
4PM Call Client
Admin on phone: Hi [Jeff], I've sent you 4 emails and left you 3 messages. Today is my birthday. What I really want for my birthday, more than anything else, is for you to call me back and answer my questions. Thanks. Bye.
10550 N Torrey Pines Road
La Jolla, California
12PM Contact Collections
Attorney on phone: Well, I'm really sorry you're going to jail. But you still need to pay our bill.
110 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Odd
4PM Schedule 2nd Interviews
Worker on phone: I'm sorry, we can't hire you...It's not that, it's just that I don't want to work with you.
3838 NW 13th Street
Gainesville, Florida
5PM That's a Wrap
Assistant on phone: One time I was in Oklahoma and I don't know if they do this anymore but they had a prisoner rodeo! They would release bulls into a pen and the prisoners had to get $100 bills stuck in the fences. Some would die but it was cool!...I mean, not that I would go again or anything.
900 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Lunch
Boss on phone: Is this the driver who stole money from us and owes me some collard greens?
3451 North Shadeland Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Let's take the new Financial Controller from [the client] out to lunch. Is she cute?...Oh, it's a guy...Does he have a sense of humor?
680 George Street
Sydney, New South Wales
Australia
9AM TGIF
CCR on phone: It's just that he seems to think I'm incompetent. Which, you know, I am, but anyway...
2 Charlotte Street
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
10AM Interview Temps
Boss on phone: No, no, you gotta understand, I need some help down there...I'm not the pusher, I'm the receiver.
444 Spear Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: erikrand
12PM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: [Comtech], accounts receiveable, this is [Brett]...Yes, this is [Comtech]...This is the accounts receivable department, yes...My name is [Brett]...[Brett]!
420 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Call [Chris]
Receptionist on speaker: I'm sorry. [Chris] is still on the phone. Would you like his voicemail?
Customer: No. I am afraid he won't call back, and this is an emergency.
Receptionist: I can put you on hold again. But he has had a lot of calls today, and I don't know how long it will be before you can speak to him.
Customer: I would like to kick his butt.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. You will have to stand in line to do that.
5711 East FM-40
Lubbock, Texas
5PM Pick Up Kids
Teacher on phone: But [Matt], it's just the sound of a gun. The audience won't even see it!...Not even the sound effect?...Are you kidding me?...So, what, we're not allowed to do Hamlet now because somebody has to die in the end?...I know they don't use real swords; we aren't using a real gun!...How is anyone supposed to die?
2155 Napier Avenue
Macon, Georgia
2PM Call Maintenance Deptartment
Woman on phone: You need to have someone come by and fix the fan in the men's restroom. If that thing is not working, we are dead, baby!
Kirtland Air Force Base
Albuquerque, New Mexico
12PM Final Party Prep
Boss on phone: All the invitations said black tie, so I bought a white shirt and a black tie and wore that.
8800 West Sunset Boulevard
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Cpt. Rombone
11AM Monitor Calls
CSR on phone: Sir, would you mind slowing down just a little bit?You're really giving me a lot of information, and it's not really
registering in my brain because I'm still trying to type in all the
other crap you told me.
5129 Beverly Glen Village Lane
Norcross, Georgia
9AM Gold Help Me
Assistant on phone: Hey [Lindsay], my little dancing queen, I had a great time last night...Hope you did, too...
Co-worker: He's always so vocal the day after he's gotten laid.
640 5th Avenue
New York, NY
1PM Lunch
Co-worker on phone: Well, when I asked you over for lunch I asked if there was something you didn't eat besides cheese...Well I'm just saying you should have told me you didn't eat pork when I asked...Yes, I know you're Jewish...Well whatever you are, you're an idiot and a liar. You should have told me about the pork...Ew, she's your first cousin.
622 3rd Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Call Bank
Co-worker on phone: Ma'am, my language will not improve. If a mugger knocked me over the head and stole my wallet, I would speak to him pretty harshly to say the least. So don't expect me to talk professionally to you.
1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois
4PM Call [Kwok]
Supervisor: Don't forget to call [Kwok]. He's got a couple of huge boxes and I think they're computers.
Admin: Which one is [Kwok]?
Supervisor: The short Asian guy.
Admin on phone: Hi [Kwok], it's [Jane]. I just wanted to let you know you have a huge package.
470 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM TGIF
Co-worker on phone: I have a trailer to be picked up...Yes, it is ready now. It's in a parking lot. You know, where cars park.
33 Shaws Lane
Springfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Disgruntled Cube Tenant
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker on phone: Isn't someone's name Forehand on the committee? It could be Foreskin.
3750 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
9AM She's So Lucky
Accounting Clerk on phone: I'm sorry, she no longer works here. Could I take a message?
3850 Three Mile Lane
McMinnville, Oregon
12PM Call Heidi
Lawyer on phone: ...No...No....They can't take your kids away for smokin' pot, that's bullshit...Ha, ha, ha!
500 5th Avenue
New York, NY
2PM Speak with HR
Co-worker on phone: Hello? I need to talk to the Chinese girl...I don't remember her name..."Sing-song", or something like that.
2300 East Prospect Road
Fort Collins, Colorado
5PM That's Enough for Me
Secretary on phone: I hate fake tans too...not cans...tans. No, tans. T as in taco, A as in anus, N as in next, and S as in swords. I hate fake cans, too.
3818 Maccorkle Avenue SE
Charleston, West Virginia
Overheard by: brittany
10AM Paul Out Through Monday
Co-worker on phone: Oh, man...Yeah, if you have HIV, you should definately stay home...Okay, see ya Monday.
Co-worker #2: So who has the HIV?
Co-worker #1: Oh, [Paul]'s got the flu and strep or something.
2300 West Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
12PM Get Those Scam Salescalls Blocked
Coworker on phone: Why do you need to know what type of printer I have?...Well, I guess I could read the name of the printer to you off of the printer, if you suggest that... Here's the name written right here. It's F then U, C. Are you writing this down? K and then Y. Then finally O, U...Hello, hello?
4175 Central Avenue
Indianapolis, Indiana
3PM Order Books
Receptionist on phone: ...And you sure you don't have the ISBN?...Oh, you do? You're delicious!
1230 6th Avenue
New York, NY
10AM IT Meeting
CIO on speaker: Time out guys, an animal just came into my
office...Cats aren't allowed in my office till after 5.
2 Industrial Park Drive
Williamston, Michigan
3PM Research Competitors
Co-worker on phone: What is TFC? Is it like KFC? What are they doing?Chicken?
6000 Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
2PM Conference Call
Colleague on phone: We'll just have to go down there and gang bang those sites.
Silence.
3699 West Lathrop Street
South Bend, Indiana
4PM Let's Call It a Day
Receptionist on phone: Of course I'm tired. I sit here for nine hours a day with no work to do. That's gonna tire me out!
601 West 26th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Ty!
11AM Order Industrial-strength Lubricant
Engineer on phone: I cracked my first manhole at thirteen.
20 Crosby Drive
Bedford, Massachusetts
9AM What'll It be Today?
Co-worker on phone: The publication is called CFS Law Report...Yes, C...F...S...As in California, Frank, Tsunami.
360 Hiatt Drive
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida
9AM I Wish I Was His Cat
Co-worker on phone: Yeah, my cat died around 2AM, so obviously I worked from home the next day. Yeah...yeah...
22265 Pacific Boulevard
Dulles, Virginia
9AM Client Call
VP Research on phone: Look, I understand you think your project numbers are important, but we have data to suggest you don't need to know them.
85 E Street
South Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Brian Brinegar
10AM Mail Parcels
Co-worker on phone: Hi. I have an irregular shaped package. Do you have anything special I can wrap it in?
609 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
4PM Happy Hour
Rep on phone: You ever hear of a mojito? Well, I just created a new drink: the bro-jito.
10 S. Riverside Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Syd O'Banion
4PM I'm Going Home Early
Co-worker on phone: ...Yeah, yeah, the shovel. And the hatchet, I'll definitely need a hatchet.
1390 Timberlake Manor Parkway
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Durp