Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Lawyers All Categories > People > Lawyers
Recent | Best Of
11AM The Liars Are Our Clients
Five-year-old boy, visiting dad's law firm: I wish I could work here. One day, I'm gonna become a liar so I can work here.
Father: 'Lawyer.' It's pronounced lawyer.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: amco
5PM As Jessica Simpson Advises in Her Autobiography
Company lawyer to copywriter: It may be wrong or stupid, but if so, we want to be consistently stupid.
Chatsworth, California
10AM ... Than Having Him in the Oval Office for the Past Eight Years
Lawyer: If he was downstairs in the Girl Scout's uniform, that would've been even better.
43rd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
2PM A Taser? Sweet!
Lawyer, offering cigarette: Need one?
Non-smoking secretary: I'm gonna need something a lot stronger to deal with you today!
Lawyer, exiting door to smoke: Top, right desk drawer in my office.
Law office
Indiana
9AM ... For Sleeping with My Husband
Attorney: I'm so pregnant... My husband always says, 'Honey, you're a whale!' And then I tell him, 'Shut up! You're an immigrant!'
Admin: You should really stop saying that to him.
Attorney: Well, he is, and it's a term of endearment! Like when I call you a dirty whore!
Hackensack, New Jersey
2PM It's a Logical Syllogism
Lawyer on phone: Well, if you're a girl, I must be the queen's bimbo.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
4PM She Cries, 'More, More, More!'
Lawyer #1: Is 'Rebel Yell' on the CD? I sing that in the shower... And I find myself punching my fist up into the sky... in rebellion.
Lawyer #2: Wow.
Lawyer #1: My wife really enjoys it.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: AJF
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
2PM I Love the Law: The Smell of the Jury, the Sobbing of the Witness
Lawyer #1: So I finally got myself in front of a jury!
Lawyer #2: Really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah! It was a rape case.
Lawyer #2: That's fantastic! Well, for you anyway.
Allegan St
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: o rly?
2PM Well, I Do Have a Master's in Evacuation
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
355 North Euclid Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs
Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.
3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: i love this place
12PM That Explains Some of the Stains, Though
Lawyer: Oh, he's a philanderer?
Legal assistant: No, he works at a paint store.
14340 57th Avenue
Surrey, British Columbia, Canada
10AM Didn't I Tell You? I'm Guilty.
Defense attorney: I'm going back to the office. God, I hate days like this. Losing blows.
Defendant: Hey, sorry, man. But, really, you didn't have a chance.
300 East Bay Street
Jacksonville, Florida
Overheard by: Jess
12PM He Aced the Mixed Drinks Portion of the Bar Exam
Defense attorney: Objection, Your Honor. The prosecution continues to assert this witness is an expert but has offered no evidence to support the claim.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Martin*, is this witness your expert?
Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Would you care to establish for the court why the witness is an expert in the field of pediatrics?
Prosecutor: Cause he...ummm...knows stuff?
State Court
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
1PM Then What Kind of Tree Would You Be?
Lawyer: So, he was all like, "But I'm a cabinet maker." And I was like, "But what if you were a brain surgeon..."
111 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Neither a cabinet maker nor a brain surgeon
3PM I Will Now Return to My Reverie, Already in Progress
Lawyer on phone: Ya know, I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying, but I am leaning towards agreeing with you.
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: IWNDRY
1PM Not Why I Went to Law School, But What Are Ya Gonna Do?
Criminal defense attorney: Leave me alone. I have to get back to work.
Peon: Why is that?
Criminal defense attorney: I have a client that might actually be innocent.
39 South LaSalle Street
Chicago, Illinois
10AM Actually, He's Just Hung Like a Bull Moose, and Word Gets Around
Attorney #1: You know David*, the blind prosecutor downtown?
Attorney #2: He's the one who always gets the young, hot assistants, right?
Attorney #3: I don't care what anyone says, that son of a bitch can see.
300 West Main Street
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM In Death Everyone Gets a Little Classier
Laywer: So you were locked in a room that had a gas leak?
Client: Yeah. Man, we was trying to get out quick as we could. I mean, if we didn't make it out when we did, we could've been sophisticated!
Lawyer: Asphyxiated?
Client: Whatever.
Public Square
Cleveland, Ohio
12PM With Human Sacrifice? What Kind of School Did You Go To?
Patent attorney: The US is like the popular kid in high school. Nobody likes 'em, but you have to appease 'em.
1425 K Street, NW
Washington, DC
10AM Copyright Infringement
Lawyer: So you actually filed a copyright application?
Creative director: Oh, no, we just slapped a circle "c" after everything.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Jury Selection
Defense attorney: Good morning prospective ladies and gentlemen -- I mean, jurors.
125 East 8th Avenue
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: the unchosen
5PM That's a Wrap
Attorney: This work shit has got to stop. It's really bringing me down.
301 Merritt Seven
Norwalk, Connecticut
12PM Lunch
Attorney's wife: I'm getting so fat.
Attorney: You're not fat.
Attorney's wife: Aw, well...
Attorney interrupts: You're old. You just look fat.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM Billable Hour
Lawyer: So are you sleeping with my wife or what?
Client: [Rob], you're hilarious.
Lawyer: 'Cause you know, you can get her pregnant. I don't even care.
11755 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Back to Work
Attorney #1: I stepped on a baby bird this morning on the way into the courthouse.
Attorney #2: The jokes are right. We don't have souls.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
12PM Fix Cabinet
Attorney: Is this the drawer that's broken?
Co-worker: Yes. I've already told you how to fix it. I mean, it's not as serious as cancer.
Attorney: Thank you for that assessment.
1999 Harrison Street
Oakland, California
11AM Hearing Prep
Attorney: My head hurts, my mouth tastes like crap, I haven't shaved in four days and my suit is wrinkled. I think I'm hung over.
Secretary: Well, what do you have to do today?
Attorney: DUI hearing to try and get [Leonard] off the hook.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
5PM That's a Wrap
Secretary: I've been meaning to ask you a question.
Lawyer: Sure, what's up?
Secretary: So you're Indian, right? I'm going to an Indian funeral today. And I'm not sure how to act.
Lawyer: Well...you're not supposed to laugh.
Secretary: But they're so Indian that they're going to have her cremated.
Lawyer: That doesn't mean you can laugh. Also wear all white.
1425 K Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: callmeahab
9AM Back to Work
Attorney: Did you spray the air freshener after you used the bathroom?
Secretary: ...We're getting to know each other too well in this office.
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Tuck Tabler
3PM Smoke Break
Attorney: A partner just caught me licking yogurt off my sweater.
Clerk: You're definitely getting another raise.
Attorney: It was right on the boob.
Clerk: Wow, a raise and a bonus. You're a real go-getter.
717 Madison Place NW
Washington, DC
12PM Contact Collections
Attorney on phone: Well, I'm really sorry you're going to jail. But you still need to pay our bill.
110 North Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Odd
5PM That's a Wrap
File Clerk: Are there many good benifits for joining Mensa? It looks like I have the option, but wonder if it is worth the effort.
Attorney: I believe one of the admission requirements is being able to figure out if it's worth it.
1445 Ross Avenue
Dallas, Texas
2PM Client Meeting
Attorney: I heard [the client] was whiny.
Client in waiting room: I'm whiny because I'm sick and this is the first time I've left the house.
Attorney: Oh shit.
110 N. Washington Street
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Joan
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Oh wow, these are good.
Attorney: What are you eating?
Secretary: They are meatless meatballs.
Attorney: So essentially, you're just eating balls.
1050 Thomas Jefferson Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM Call Heidi
Lawyer on phone: ...No...No....They can't take your kids away for smokin' pot, that's bullshit...Ha, ha, ha!
500 5th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Board Meeting
Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain from the corporation.
Board member: So if my son works here, then I'm not an Interested Party.
Attorney: Your son is your descendant.
Board member: Are you sure?
1524 North Santa Fe Avenue
Vista, California
10AM Review Napoleonic Code
Attorney #1: The governor suggested that everyone not evacuating write their social security number on their arm in indelible ink. I'm going to go through our database and tattoo the SSN of our richest client on my chest with my children as beneficiaries.
Attorney #2: You better get that tattoo on your ass because you're going to be floating face down in the floodwater.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
2PM Meeting with Legal
Lawyer: We received the claimant's demand for $300,000 for sexual
harassment. Whether it's a reasonable demand or not...I wish someone would touch me inappropriately so I could sue.
8 Hanover Square
New York, NY
Overheard by: Pinsy
4PM Ducking Out Early
Mail guy: Damn, you really want to get out of here.
Lawyer: Yes, like a bat out of hell.
Mail guy: Those are my sediments exactly.
212 Washington Street
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: Elaine Van DeLay
8AM Sounds Like She Should Be in Jury Tampering
Paralegal: Good afternoon, [Law Firm name]. How may I help you?
Partner: Wow...Wow. You've got, like, a 1-900 phone voice. We're gonna have to take you off the receptionist rotation. Don't want to give our criminal clients the wrong impression.
600 East Broad Street
Richmond, Virginia
7AM "...here, I filled this pen with blood for you."
Client: I didn't read this contract yet
Lawyer: I didn't read it either. But you can just go ahead and sign it.
200 Park Avenue
New York, New York
7PM That Long Weekend is Finally Here!
Lawyer #1: I now ask that this binder be admitted into evidence.
Lawyer #2: We would object to that, Your Honor.
Judge: What is your basis for introducing this into evidence?
Lawyer #1: The "moving things along faster" basis.
Judge: Denied.
500 Pearl Street
New York, NY
8AM Cheap or Pushy, You're Still Making It Hard for the Rest of Us
Partner: Fuck that!...Fuck you! I am not cheap! I want what's rightfully my client's!
200 Park Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: GJG
6PM They Put Out A Hit on Jesus a While Back
Lawyer: So yeah, these guys were totally connected, like the Jewish Mafia. The Kosher Nostra.
80 Centre Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Invid
12PM It's a Monthly Measurement
Sales guy: ...and then five years later, I'm into benchmarking.
Legal: That's funny, when you said "Benchmarking" I heard "Bitchmarking"...sorry, ladies.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
4AM Readers: Don't Bother to Answer This Overheard Question
Law Firm Guy: What's a tsunami?
100 Maiden Lane
New York, NY
