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11AM The Liars Are Our Clients
Five-year-old boy, visiting dad's law firm: I wish I could work here. One day, I'm gonna become a liar so I can work here.
Father: 'Lawyer.' It's pronounced lawyer.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: amco
4PM I Got That Ages Ago
Mom: Oooh, guess what I got while I was in Atlanta yesterday?
Daughter, faking excitement: Herpes?!
Mom: No, I got-- Wait, what?!
Mall
Georgia
Overheard by: P-Nuckle
11AM Remember When I Accidentally Backed into You?
Kid: I have to tell you something.
Teacher: Okay...
Kid: Sometimes when I fart, I get poop in my pants.
Teacher: I don't need to know that.
Public school
Maryland
11AM Twelve Full Months of Scary Doll Eyes
Worker: Hello! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Eight-year-old boy: Barbie!
Calendar kiosk, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
4PM Better Ask Somebody Your Own Age, Kiddo
Six-year-old girl at front desk: Do I look sexy?
1 Main Street
Valhalla, New York
Overheard by: Switters
4PM How to Come Out to Your Parents in One Easy Step
Little boy to mom: You know what I like to suck?
Clothing store, Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Ohgodmustn'tsayanything
5PM Army Recruiters Are Born, Not Made
Little kid: Hey, you want to come to my birthday party? It's all about hunting and killing and stuff.
TA: Um, I'll think about it.
Little kid: Listen, your mom isn't your boss anymore.
Sherwood Street
Missoula, Montana
Overheard by: Casey
3PM See, Isn't This Better Than the Lincoln Memorial?
Enthusiastic teen boy: This is the Borders where Teddy got his handjob!
Washington, DC
11AM Let Me Rephrase That Question
Father: Did you wash your hands?
Five-year-old kid returning from bathroom: Ummm... I'm pretty sure I didn't get poop on them.
Dental office
Tigard, Oregon
Overheard by: Robin
11AM Exactly How I Get People to Work Weekends
Senior manager: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Kid on speakerphone: If you were here, you'd know.
42nd Street and Madison Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Or at Least the Part He's Kissing
Girl: Auntie Dee*, how did you know Uncle Frank* was in there.
Auntie Dee: Well, Molly*, he's not in the waiting room, so he has to be in there with the doctor.
Boy peering in window to exam rooms: He's kissing that nurse like he knows her!
Doctor's office
Ridgewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Patiently Waiting
10AM Children Are Malicious Little Tape Recorders
Little boy after a loud crash: You broke it! I'm very upset with you -- very upset! Mommy broke the lamp! She's a bad girl!
9037 Highway 92
Woodstock, Georgia
Overheard by: peddler of rigid tools
11AM I Lie at the Third-Grade Level
Four-year-old holing up a toy: Mommy, can I get this?
Mom: It says it's for kids ages eight and up. How old are you?
Four-year-old: Um... eight.
RadioShack
California
Overheard by: SK
9AM There Might Be One behind the Cappucino Machine
Confused boy at info desk: Um, excuse me, do you know where the books are?
Popular book store
Mays Landing, New Jersey
Overheard by: looking at some right now
5PM Well, Except for Everybody Else
Kid: You know, if Europe and the US teamed together the entire world could be white.
675 27th Street
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Then Put This Blotter Paper in Your Mouth
Big mama running after child: Get over here!
Child: Nuh-uh [runs away].
Big mama, clenching teeth: I said get over here!
Child, terrified: No!
Big mama: Do you want to see the magical lions and rabbits outside?
Child: Oh! Yes!
Katy Mills Shopping Center
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Omid
9AM I'm Not Much, but I'm All I Think About
Mother: Put those toys away. Think of the other kids who come here.
Little kid #1: Yeah, we've gotta think of the other kids.
Little kid #2: I don't want to think of the other kids. I only want to think about me.
Doctor's waiting room
North Rocks, Sydney
Australia
1PM All They're Good for Is Committing Bank Robberies
Woman: Be still, we have to wait for our turn.
Kid: Why are we here?
Woman: We're returning a package.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because I don't want it.
Kid: What's in it?
Woman: I don't know. I think it's pantyhose.
Kid: You don't want the pantyhose?
Woman: No, I don't want the pantyhose.
Kid: Why?
Woman: Because pantyhose are evil.
Post office
Leander, Texas
Overheard by: Faedorah
1PM I Liked It Better When We Were Doing the Whole Cat's in the Cradle Thing
Middle-aged dad: Frankie Laine died.
20-ish son: Who the fuck is Frankie Laine?
Middle-aged dad: He was a great singer. He sang the theme from Blazing Saddles.
20-ish son: That was 40 fucking years ago. What did he die of, irrelevancy?
Middle-aged dad: You're too young to appreciate anything.
20-ish son: I fucking hate it when you say that.
Blockbuster
Oceanside, California
9AM It's Too Much with Me
Five-year-old: I'm taking a break.
Young librarian: What are you taking a break from?
Five-year-old: ... The world.
2110 Library Lane
Grand Forks, North Dakota
3PM Oh, Triple-H! Take Me Away from All This!
Little girl running to discounted WWE book half her size: Yes! Now I've got it!
Waldenbooks, Victoria Mall
Victoria, Texas
11AM When Parents Can't Afford Blackberries
Two-year-old girl singing: Get the money, get the beer, get the money, get the beer...
Dressing room, Fashion Q
Granada Hills, California
Overheard by: Saucy
5PM Suzy Goes Predator-Trolling to Amuse Herself
Eight-year-old girl running up to her mother in line: I'm 13, and you don't know me!
JC Penney
Eugene, Oregon
12PM Wait, If I Just Lock Him in an Empty Room with Some Dog Food in a Bag, I Could Get That New 'Vette!
Mom, pointing to friend's child: Say 'Hello' to Aidan*.
Shy child hiding face in mom's leg: 'Lo.
Mom: If you can't look at him and 'Hello' properly then you can't have swimming lessons. There, I just saved a hundred and fifty dollars!
145 Harlow Street
Bangor, Maine
Overheard by: Kelly
9AM '... But Tomorrow Morning Will Be a Different Story'?
Little girl #1: I love you! How do you spell 'you?' Is it Y-E-S?
Little girl #2: Nuh-uh. [Pause] Y-O-U.
Little girl #1: Ohhh. How do you spell 'I love you tonight'?
Greenfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lea
5PM Didn't You See Me Roll That Drunk in the Parking Lot?
10-year-old boy to mom: 63 dollars? Do you have that kind of cash?
Disneyland entrance gates
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: amused disney worker
10AM Just Like Daisy Duke
Sunday school teacher: How's that new little kitten of yours?
Priest: She's doing well. We're taking her over to the vet tomorrow to be spayed.
Child #1: What's spayed?
Child #2: That's when they take off her overalls so she can't have babies.
Joliet, Montana
3PM 'Dear Penthouse' Letters
Man: Are you 21?
Teen girl: I'm 16.
Man: Oh, I was going to buy you your first in-flight drink.
Woman sitting behind them: I'm her mother. You can buy me a drink.
Flight from Michigan to Phoenix
Overheard by: Enigmae
10AM To Be Fair, It Was His Asthma Medication
Kid holding toy: If I don't get this, I'm going to die.
Dad: You're not getting anything today!
Kid: Do you want me to die? You want me to die! You're killing me! You're killing me!
University Mall
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
1PM Not Just Any Juices, Either -- Don't Do What I Did
Girl: Ummm... You need boy juices in order to make a baby.
610 Broadway
Portland, Oregon
9AM Especially the Cats' Eyes
Kindergarten boy: Mrs. Jones*, I need to go to the bathroom.
Teacher: No, you just went.
Kindergarten boy: Please, Mrs. Jones*. I gotta go.
Teacher: No, you were told you had to wait.
Kindergarten boy: But I have to go now! My marbles are itchy!
Manitoba
Canadia
2PM And What about Graverobbers? Sometimes They'll Kill You Just to Get Your Jewelry
Girl #1: It's so scary hearing about people dying.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally... You can die from so many things. You can die from death, sickness...
Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: elle
3PM Now Make him Define Irony!
Brother: Is he dead?
Brother's friend's brother: I think he's asleep.
Brother: Hey, you awake?
Brother's friend's brother: Hey! Say something.
Brother's friend: Make me.
Mishawaka, Indiana
Overheard by:
11AM Another Victim of the 'Math Is Hard' Barbie
Barista: What are you going to do when you grow up?
Little girl: Doctor.
Barista: You want to be a doctor? That's wonderful!
Little girl: No. Mommy told me to marry doctor and have kids. I want 27!
Ft Valley Road
Flagstaff, Arizona
2PM Well, Yes, But Only on an Evolutionary Time Scale
Young white girl: You need to wear sunscreen. My mommy told me that skin gets dark if you don't wear sunscreen.
Young black girl: I was BORN dark.
Young black boy: Me, too.
Young white girl: Really?
Young black boy: I wear sunscreen, too.
Young white girl: You were born that way? So it's not the sun? Really?
Preschool
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amused Pre-K teacher
2PM This Explains Much About Tennessee
Mother: What are you going to have?
Daughter: Chicken nuggets and a Dr Pepper.
Mother: I'm not getting you a Dr Pepper. It's not good for you.
Daughter: Fine. I'll have a Coke.
Mother: That's better.
McDonald's
Tennessee
3PM And So Is My Other Mom -- And My Dad
Distressed eleven-year-old boy: Ms. B., Aaron called my mom gay and she is gay!
School
Poway, California
1PM Marx Predicted This
Little girl, to employee making a purchase: You can't shop here! You're supposed to work! You're not people!
801 North Congress Avenue
Boynton Beach, Florida
11AM And It Took Him Three Days to Get Over It
First-grade teacher: CHARLES! Give me those! Those are NAILS! Nails are unsafe and do not belong in your hands.
Student: Pshhh, unless you're JESUS!
New York, New York
Overheard by: i want to adopt this kid
5PM For Your Comfort and Safety, Remember That Kids Are Pretty Literal
School social worker, to kindergartner on lap: So what happened right before you ran out of your classroom?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: What do you mean, you're peeing?
Kindergartner: I'm peeing.
Social worker: [jumps up, displaying huge wet spot on her pants]
Kindergartner: I TOLD you I was peeing.
5130 Roxbury Road
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Fair warning given
9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'
Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?
505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: Chicken soup
10AM Tupac's Propaganda Machine, on the Other Hand, Is Alive and Thriving
Counselor: Is that a Tupac T-shirt? You're five. Tupac wasn't alive when you were born. What do you know about Tupac?
Kid: I know the haters killed him.
Counselor: Touché.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: SB
11AM Maybe Gidget Goes Pentecostal
Little girl, pointing at Ann Coulter's Godless: Who's that lady, daddy?
Dad: She's some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about.
Little girl: She looks like she should be in movies.
Dad: [Shocked silence]
Little girl: But not very good movies.
Dad: Ha! That's my girl.
Auntie's Bookstore
402 West Main Avenue
Spokane, Washington
2PM He Has Those Shifty Eyes
Teacher: "Uncertain." What does "uncertain" mean?
7-Year-Old boy: Like you're not sure about it?
Teacher: Good! What's an example of something you're uncertain about?
7-Year-Old boy, after thinking for a moment: God.
1554 Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Mom, Don't Even Mention the Hoo-Hoo Zone
Mother: Sweetie, do you need to pee-pee?
3-Year-Old girl: Mom, why do you call it that? It's piss!
12350 Jefferson Avenue
Newport News, Virginia
9AM Send in Jack Bauer!
Dad: Honey, where's your teddy bear?
3-year-old girl: Oh, the terrorist are hiding him.
Overlake Hospital
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Nurse says what
5PM Try the Anisette Liqueur
Boy to mother: There isn't any licorice here!
Liquor Store, 1322 West 3rd Avenue
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: Eric
2PM See the Gauloises, the Berets, and the Spacecraft?
Little girl, pointing to Coneheads DVD: Daddy, what's wrong with those people?
Dad: Oh, they're just from France.
Blockbuster, University Village
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: David in Seattle
2PM Little Nipper Plans to Tuck
Mother: Tell your aunt what you want to be when you grow up.
2-Year-Old son: A plastic surgeon!
Mother: And why is that?
2-Year-Old son: Because Mommy needs work!
Miss Saigon Café
Hurst, Texas
Overheard by: needo
12PM Epitaph: 'Six Feet, Seven Inches'
Teen #1: How far do you think this sweat drop will fly if I smack it with a hammer?
Teen #2: Hey, yeah, like CSI! Your forehead is real sweaty; smack it first.
Habitat for Humanity build site
Mississippi Gulf Coast
Overheard by: Brain Dancing