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1PM Can You Convert That to Gimlets?
Banker: What will 50 pounds get me in London?
Analyst: You want the currency translation?
Banker: No.
Analyst: Okay then, 25 beers!
2215 43rd Avenue
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Olivia
3PM "You Are Beautiful in a Way That's Unfamiliar to Me" Would Be Okay
Financial analyst: Guys will say, 'Oh, Asian women are so exotic,' like we're a commodity. I'm not a rug!
Wall Street
New York, New York
2PM God, I Miss Marketing!
CFO with faraway gaze: It would be a lot of fun to defraud people.
535 8th Avenue
New York, New York
1PM I Heard the Whole Country Is below Sea Level and Surrounded by a Ring of Lesbians
Auditor: What is a 'Dutch Auction Tender Offer'? Is that where they go to Dutch and have an auction? ... Where is Dutch?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
10AM Goodness, Mr. Lay, Your Firm's Financial Report Certainly Is Heavy!
Customer: Why is your store so big?
Salesgirl: [Silence.]
Customer: I'm an accountant -- I notice these things.
Chocolate store
North Plainfield, New Jersey
Overheard by: Other Salesgirl
2PM How You Know Your Coworker Is Straight
Employee: Did you see the Accounting Department? They are all dressed up like the Village People... or the Seven Dwarfs -- I'm not sure.
100 Mountain Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Snow Whitefish
5PM The Good Ones All Have MBAs Now
Female coworker: Well, I guess I hadn't thought it out so thoroughly.
Male coworker: Yeah, and the hookers were like, 'Woo-hoo, market share!'
Chevy Chase, Building 4
Maryland
Overheard by: Xen
1PM Which Is Why Her Boyfriend Had to Resort to Botox
Female accountant: I'm allergic to chocolate.
CFO: Really? My daughter is allergic to -- how does she put it -- 'Wrinkly nuts.'
7887 E Belleview Avenue
Englewood, Colorado
Overheard by: Did anyone else hear that?
11AM Now Here Are Some Condoms and a Hole Punch...
CFO: Our budget has been balanced the last few years because of unpaid maternity leaves, and we are working that into our models for coming years.
Committee member: So our financial solvency is based on people in the company having sex?
CFO: Basically.
Klaipeda
Lithuania
3PM I, on the Other Hand, Will Be Seeing it for the First Time
Mortgage guy: I've lost 12 lbs. over the last 2 weeks!
Realtor chick: I'm gonna miss your chubby.
Yorba Linda, CA
Overheard by: laughing hysterically
1PM But I'm the Janitor!
Account biller #1: Let me ask you something, what am I supposed to do with those claims the boss just gave me?
Account biller #2: Your job, perhaps?
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Cala
3PM Which Means I Don't Understand the Question
Mortgage rep: And, finally, may I ask you what race you are? Caucasian, African-American...
Customer: I'm Canadian.
Fairfield County, Connecticut
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
10AM Next You'll Be Claiming People Lived in Mexico Before the Spanish Colonized It!
Customer: That's a pretty name. Different.
Cashier: Yeah, you don't see it much up here. It's Mexican.
Customer: Don't you mean it's Spanish?
Cashier: No, it's Mexican in origin.
Customer: Racist.
Sprague and Sullivan
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: It's this whole other country
11AM It Cleans Those Leather-Belt Wounds Right Up
Loan officer: My husband's parents were married for 50 years.
Receptionist: What's the secret of being married that long?
Collector: Alcohol.
802 South Westnedge Avenue
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Overheard by: just passing by
3PM Michael Douglas Reprises His 'Greed Is Good' Speech From Wall Street
Broker on phone: Blame it on greed...Uh huh...No, I'm saying that greed is a well-known, widely accepted motivator, so just say it was greed. They'll understand.
10960 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eavesdropper
12PM She Waits on Her Roof For Aliens Every Night
Female cashier: Hey, is that your purple car out there?
Stock dude: Yeah, it is. The chicks love it.
Female cashier: I like it. I want a purple Probe.
Stock dude: Yeah...I heard that about you.
436 Southbridge Street
Auburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I heard that too.
3PM Well, It's Like I Always Say: Children Come First
Male bank president: My daughter's gonna letter in high school track this year.
Female vice president: Oh?
Male bank president: Yeah, she's a runner. All year I've been taking her out on country roads to let her spread her legs.
Female vice president, under her breath: Putz!
1105 Vargas Street
Atwood, Kansas
2PM I Thought MDMA Was Something Else
Fundraiser: Hey, man, I need to raise some money for Multiple Dystrophy...[to other guy at table] Yo, man, what does the "A" stand for?
Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon
Miami, Florida
5PM Would It Help If I Offered You Cunnilimbo?
Intern: I'm sorry that I didn't turn in my time sheet on Friday. I was on vacation and didn't have access to a computer.
Payroll official: Well, I'll let it go this time. Just don't keep us in lingo again.
130 Cremona Drive
Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: A disbelieving employee
1PM And I Really Only Need a Few Extra...for the Organs
CFO: Some days I'm amazed at your talent. Other days I just feel like I have forty extra children.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM Anyway, I Already Ate Peter's Foot Skin
Broker #1: Ok, here's one: would you rather lick the bulge on Johnny's* leg or eat the skin that Peter* peeled off his foot last year?
Broker #2: As sick as this sounds, I'd take Johnny's bulge in a second. I had to sit next to Peter. His foot had a crack in it so deep you could stick a pencil in it.
440 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Refueling
Power broker #1: Two large cappuccinos.
Cashier: Thank you. That will be $4.50.
Power broker #1: Where's the cinnamon?
Cashier: I'm sorry, we're out of cinnamon.
Power broker #1: Then I don't want it!
Cashier: Excuse me?
Power broker #2: Okay, let's just bring it back to the office.
Power broker #1: No! Just give me my money back. I can't drink the foamy milk without the cinnamon.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mark
10AM Annual Volunteer Project
I-banker: Why can't we just donate money to hire people to do this work?
2615 W. 84th Place
Chicago, Illinois
3PM Customer Service
Bank teller: I was working drive-through this morning and offered a customer a bone for her dog in the back seat.
Associate: I think it's nice that we do that.
Bank teller: The customer said it wasn't a dog, it was her mother.
801 West Big Beaver Road
Troy, Michigan
12PM Lunch
Accountant: This chicken [Sue] brought in is yummy. I'm just going to take a break to eat it here rather than take it back to my desk. I don't trust myself not to get my paperwork all greasy.
Supervisor: That's why I'm going to make a sandwich out of it.
Secretary: Oh, I don't care about greasy fingers. All I do is handle incoming checks all day.
401 Church Street
Nashville, Tennessee
5PM That's a Wrap
Broker #1: Why is she laughing?
Broker #2: She already told you -- she thinks it's funny to buy gag candy and make everyone in the office fart.
Broker #1 laughs.
Broker #2: I mean, she's so young. We all want to kill the other people in the office and she just wants to make them fart.
Broker #1: Look at her, she's still laughing.
Broker #2: Ah, youth. All they do is giggle.
399 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: LH
12PM Call Clients
Portfolio Manager: She's pissed that I didn't sell the stock before it
went down.
Trader: Don't you know that you are supposed to know when that's gonna
happen?
Portfolio Manager: I guess not...
1900 East Ninth Street
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Performance Reviews Meeting
Exec: Hey [Nick], I've got a question for you.
Tax Manager: Yes?
Exec: I was thinking about you while I was in the shower this morning and--
Tax Manager: You probably shouldn't be thinking about me in the
shower [James]; you're a newly married man.
Exec: ...
123 Robert S. Kerr Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
3PM Smoke Break
Real Estate Agent: So she totally knows this guy that's on The Real OC; he's a loan guy that she used to work with.
Loan Rep: What character does he play?
Real Estate Agent: He's a loan rep.
Loan Rep: I know, but what character does he play?
22342 Avenida Empresa
Rancho Santa Margarita, California
11AM Monitor Calls
Broker on phone: Why should you buy my bond? Because you buying it is good for my firm, good for me, and two out of three ain't bad.
1100 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Banker: Yeah, he's losin' his eyesight...He can barely see now. He's got that immaculate degeneration or whatever it's called. But he still builds things with power tools. It's pretty amazing...but kinda scary.
200 Nationwide Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio
10AM Update Site
Supervisor: Internet access appears to be back up.
Accountant: I don't care; hurl yourself out the nearest window immediately.
2005 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM Take Out the Trash
Biller: Um, you know maintenance guys are working in our bathrooms and there is a line of people waiting in the hallway bathroom? Could you, like, do something about it?
Receptionist: Uh, sure, I'll get right on that for you.
Biller: I'll just go back to my desk and pee in my trash can.
1200 Princess Anne Street
Fredericksburg, Virginia
3PM Coffee Break
Accountant: Why did you switch from coffee to green tea?
Analyst: Tea is easier on my throat and it has more antioxidants.
Accountant: What are antioxidants?
Analyst: They keep me from having oxidants...Come on! That's funny, dammit!
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
10AM Take Care of Bills
Adjuster #1: What are you putting over there?
Adjuster #2: A legal bill.
Adjuster #1: Well, it won't get paid till Tuesday.
Assistant: Why won't it get paid till Tuesday?
Adjuster #1: What the crap? You're here today?
2550 Northwinds Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: David Tilley
1PM Lunch
Broker: I'm going to grab some lunch; if my wife calls, tell her I'm not going down tonight. She'll just have to wait until tomorrow.
250 West Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Lunch
Finance: The pills the pharmacy gave me for my back looked funny. They were supposed to be oval and yellow but they are more long and white.
VP: So did you find out what the problem was?
Finance: Well, I called the pharmacy and they said that they had mistakenly given me anti-psychotics instead of my back medicine.
666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC
11AM Invoices Due
Accounts Payable: I told you I shipped that invoice.
Accounts Receivable: It says on the label it was returned for address.
Accounts Payable: I wrote the right address. It says, "Little Rock, Kansasaw"!
Accounts Receivable: Oh, okay. Don't know why it got returned, then.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Oh no, they were serious
3PM Coffee Break
Accountant: Could you call and get someone to come and service our coffee machine?
Receptionist: Sure! What's going on with it?
Accountant: The hot water tap just tastes like regular tap water.
1625 North Palafox Street
Pensacola, Florida
10AM Client Meeting
Producer: So, here is everything you need for the meeting.
Account Person: Okay. Did you get a chance to make the changes we talked about?
Produer: What changes?
Account Person: The changes that were brought up in the call. I talked about them in the conference wrap-up email.
Producer: I didn't get a conference wrap-up email.
Account Person: Well I know, I didn't send it to you yet.
466 Lexington Avenue
New York, NY
10AM Department Meeting
Boss: This is not an interactive meeting, so no feedback of any kind. Every customer who gives a commitment today will get a $350 Home Depot giftcard. This is only until the end of business today.
Loan Officer: But I got a customer commitment yesterday. Can I tell her that we will send her one?
Boss: Didn't I just say that this meeting is not interactive? I won't answer your stupid questions.
Loan Office: ...So what's the answer?
The boss storms out.
Loan Officer: I'll just ask him later.
2700 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York
10AM File Referral
Banker #1: How do you file an old CD referral?
Banker #2: Well you submit it and cancel it and submit it and cancel it and repeat that 5 times, and then wash your hands...Oh, I thought you said OCD referral. Like obsessive-compul--
Banker #1: I get it.
1241 South Wabash Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Teddy
3PM Update Payroll
Bookkeeper: What is Susan's last name?
Office Manager: Susan who?
812 Moorefield Park Drive
Richmond, Virginia
2PM Deposit Checks
Mortgage Specialist: I have to say this loan is for you. In fact, if you were to reject the loan I would frankly have to drive down to
your house and shoot your porch light out.
Borrower: Well we can't have that now, can we?
440 W 200 S
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: AK 47
3PM Smoke Break
Accounts Payable: I wish sometimes I was tippin' it at my desk.
Accounts Receivable: Tippin' what?
Accounts Payable: You know, the bottle.
Accounts Payable: Yeah, but you gotta be a good alcoholic, and at least show up for work every day. That's what I do.
2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island
10AM Pay Renewal Fee
Accounting: You submitted a payment request for a renewal fee.
Peon: Yes.
Accounting: Can you find out how long the renewal term is for?
Peon: It says "annual renewal fee" on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, I saw that, but do you know when it's valid until?
Peon: It says valid from October 31, 2005 on the invoice.
Accounting: Yeah, but can you make sure? You never know it could be for like two years or something.
3700 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Another Sucky Year
Manager: Look at you! You look so nice today!
Broker: Shut up. I always look nice.
Manager: No...sometimes you look like you got hit by a truck.
1610 SE Bybee Boulevard
Portland, Oregon
10AM Monitor Calls
Accountant on speaker: Okay, I tried entering my password and it didn't work.
Tech: I reset it to "password."
Accountant on speaker: Okay, let me try my password again.
Tech: Make sure you type "password."
Accountant on speaker: It didn't work again.
Tech: Iou typed far too many letters for the word "password." Did you type in "password" as your password?
Accountant on speaker: Yu never told me to do that.
Tech: So what part of my sentance confused you: "Type in the word
'password' when it asks you for your password", or "I reset it for you, your password is now 'password.'"
Accountant on speaker: I have a CPA, don't talk to me like that.
Tech: I can make up acronyms too. I'll be in your office in five
minutes. In the meantime, ponder this one: I'm OMGWTF certified.
220 Woodbine Road
Downingtown, Pennsylvania