Executives All Categories > People > Executives

Recent | Best Of

 

10AM Um, Is That How It Works?

VP: I just completed sexual harassment training! Who's gonna be my first victim?
Assistant: Me!

1 Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia


Posted 2008-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM And Will It Require Me to Stop Playing Solitaire?

Account executive: We are going to need to traffic that ad out by Friday.
Traffic manager: What does 'traffic' mean?

Birmingham, Alabama


Posted 2008-01-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM So It Looks Good in Tight Buns?

VP to general counsel: A nine-inch wiener is a nine-inch wiener. You've got to make it look pretty.

850 Bryant Street
San Francisco, California


Overheard by: IC Balaam


Posted 2008-01-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM So Abandon All Hope, Yadda Yadda Yadda

Vice president: I know it's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.

198 Madison Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2007-12-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Um, Was That on the Table?

Annoyed executive: I wouldn't piss in his mouth if it was a urinal!

84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts


Posted 2007-12-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Those Bastards!

Fund raising exec: We keep hearing about these people who die, and we sit around waiting to hear what they're going to give to us, and it turns out they've left all their money to the crippled children!

Non-profit organization
Washington, DC


Posted 2007-11-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen

Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...

Evanston, Illinois

Overheard by: cubicle across the hall


Posted 2007-11-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM No, Sir -- Just Invite the Media to Join Us

Executive: I once had to tell a supreme court judge to remove his martini from the canoe. The judge was attending an opening reception of a museum exhibition. He said to me, 'What are you going to do, sue me?'

San Francisco, California


Posted 2007-10-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Geez, Don't Be Such an Eyeore.

Bank assistant VP #1: It all comes, said Pooh, of not hiring the right people.
Bank assistant VP #2: Exactly... Wait, did you say 'said Pooh'?

9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky


Overheard by: will1966


Posted 2007-10-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone

VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?

Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California


Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley


Posted 2007-10-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Is It Legal to Say That in Indiana?

CFO: Fourth floor is going to Hooters. I don't like Hooters. I like Dick's.

1 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana


Overheard by: Peon


Posted 2007-10-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Dude, It's Not for That

Account exec #1: So, are you still taking calcium?
Account exec #2: Yeah, and I'm still fucking crazy.

289 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada


Posted 2007-10-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Strawberry Cancer

Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.

38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York


Overheard by: Sarah


Posted 2007-10-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM ... And for Once It Won't Be One of Us

Attorney: Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a murder.

County courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Lan


Posted 2007-09-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"

CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.

Park Avenue South
New York, New York


Overheard by: hiding under my desk


Posted 2007-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Women.

VP: They're all doable. We're just not able to do most of them.

Norwalk, Connecticut

Overheard by: Cautiously Optimistic


Posted 2007-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM We're Still Paying Off the Judgment in the Dumpty Case

CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.

Wausau, Wisconsin


Posted 2007-09-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail

Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.

District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York


Overheard by: Big Larry


Posted 2007-07-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"

Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!

Law office
New York, New York


Posted 2007-06-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006

Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...

111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas


Posted 2007-06-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM ... Nor What State We Started In

VP on phone: Yeah, what's wrong?
Niece on speaker phone: We're lost. Can you pull up a map or something?
VP: Where are you and where are you going?
Niece: We're going somewhere in Massachusetts, and we don't know what state we're in.

316 Warren Avenue
Front Royal, Virginia


Overheard by: not the dumbest anymore


Posted 2007-05-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?

Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?

330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois


Posted 2007-05-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits

Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!

111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas


Posted 2007-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Groucho Marx: How the Elephant Got Me Out of My Pajamas I'll Never Know

Marketing manager justifying event expenses: It costs a lot for a naked elephant ride these days. Not like it used to be.

980 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois


Posted 2007-05-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM ... Doctor

Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.

Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania


Posted 2007-05-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM The Conversation Enters a DO Loop

Principal: Do you know Fortran?
Research analyst: Yes, I think so... Wait, is that a man or a woman?

John Hancock Tower
Boston, Massachusetts


Overheard by: economista


Posted 2007-05-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Not without a Pre-Hook

Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.

Empire State Building
New York, New York


Overheard by: temporary paralegal


Posted 2007-05-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It

Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?

444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona


Posted 2007-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later

CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!

Elmsford, New York

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief


Posted 2007-04-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM But without the Hassle of a Trial

Supervisor #1: Anyone want any chocolate? I have three pounds.
Supervisor #2: From the boyfriend, huh?
Supervisor #3: I don't think I could eat three pounds of anything. What could I eat three pounds of?
Supervisor #1: Ice cream. I could eat three pounds of ice cream.
Supervisor #3: I could definitely eat three pounds of ice cream. That's kind of a gross thought, though.
Supervisor #1: It's like eating a preemie.

200 New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey


Overheard by: office peon hate v-day


Posted 2007-04-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM When It's Done, the Spine Will Be Tingling

VP: The publishing of the book will take a long time because it requires a hand job.

Bethesda, Maryland


Posted 2007-03-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM You Mean Your Dog Jumped Off a Cliff?

CEO at company-wide meeting: You have to understand -- we are a relatively young company, and we are in Helen Keller mode right now.

13500 Heritage Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas


Posted 2007-03-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM I Give Them a Year, Tops

Director of sales and marketing baby-talking and hugging his iBook: Some day you're going to be a dinosaur and no one is going to like you! But not me! No, I love you, little iBook.

401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona


Overheard by: reservations monster


Posted 2007-02-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM If Our Customers Won't Behave, We Fire Them

VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I'm sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We've been busy in the office lately... Yes, I understand it's frustrating, but we're doing all we can... Okay, look Larry*, look -- the reason nobody's here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you're an asshole... Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist... You're an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don't care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!

Beltsville, Maryland

Overheard by: The abused receptionist


Posted 2007-02-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Your Honor, There Are No Files in These Drawers

Employee: These file drawers are really getting overloaded.
Supervisor: Yeah, time for some perjury.

Westlake, Ohio

Overheard by: Giddy-up!


Posted 2007-02-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM But Now, of Course, There's a Manual

CEO on sales pitch: When businesses first started creating web pages on the internet, it was kind of like having sex with your daughter -- everyone was talking about it, but nobody really knew what they were doing.
Prospective client: Well... My daughter is eight, so I don't think she's having sex with anybody.

8737 Colesville Road
Silver Spring, Maryland


Posted 2007-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands

Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!

Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan


Posted 2007-01-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Although Chuckie Is Coughing up a Response on the Rug

Editor: I know it's not truthful to say we're still generating responses to your proprosal, but it's better than saying we're drunk and lazy.

Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland


Overheard by: Ren


Posted 2007-01-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM And Lets Make the Password... 'Password,' Okay?

VP on phone with bank: I need to verify three times? I'm sorry, but that's just too secure for me.

Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York


Posted 2007-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Is It Just Those of You Who Drank the Kool-Aid?

CEO: By a show of hands, how many of you believe that I believe in this company?

Ballantyne Office Park
Charlotte, North Carolina


Posted 2007-01-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'

Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.

7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York


Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey


Posted 2007-01-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM It's Just How Things Are Aboard the Pequod

VP yelling into phone: If I have the whale, then I'm king! Everyone has to follow me!

Research Triangle Park, North Carolina


Posted 2007-01-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?

Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.

150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan


Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box


Posted 2006-12-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Whoops!

CEO: Anywho, it'll make us look honest, at least, if we say we just won't charge for that job. We don't want to just out-and-tell them we fucked that one all to hell.

34921 Del Rio Drive
Ontario, California


Posted 2006-12-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM It's in the Bill of Rights

Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.

3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia


Posted 2006-12-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Which Is Incompatible with Our Corporate Rigidity

Executive: At the end of December she agreed to voluntarily quit. She really wants to go and do that bendy thing -- you know, yoga.

Portrero Hill
San Francisco, California


Posted 2006-11-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM That Was MasterBeta Testing

Developer #1: We've never run the application in a clustered environment.
Developer #2: Yeah, but we've run it in a cluster-fucked environment.

Canal Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts


Posted 2006-11-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy

Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.

1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York


Posted 2006-11-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery

Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.

420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California


Overheard by: My Good Ear


Posted 2006-11-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM But Only by Going Further in Can We Acquire Cheese

Board member: There has got to be a way out of this place.

175 S. 3d St
Columbus, Ohio


Posted 2006-10-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM This Mid-Life Crisis Is Coming Together Nicely

CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning!
Admin: What?
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning! Broadsided it! Never even saw it!
Admin: You didn't see a garbage truck?
CEO: I know! I was doing like 40 miles an hour! And my kid was in the car!

1190 Del Rio Place
Ontario, Canada


Overheard by: Never riding with the boss


Posted 2006-10-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International

Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.

Park Ave
New York City


Posted 2006-10-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM But it Just Plays it on TV

Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.

Southern Oregon

Overheard by: research associate


Posted 2006-10-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker

Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?

Stanford, CA


Posted 2006-10-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM She's Already Seen His Briefs

Lawyer: Hey, here's something that might interest you!
Secretary: I doubt it.

3415 South Sepulveda Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Overheard by: i love this place


Posted 2006-10-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM All I Want Is a Hand-Turkey for Thanksgiving. What Do I Get? Two Lousy Short Stories about Pilgrims!

Manager #1: My kids SUCK at arts and crafts.
Manager #2: No glitter? No glue? No macaroni or popsicle sticks?
Manager #1: Holy shit, no. They are the epitome of suck.

West Irving Park Road
Roselle, Illinois


Posted 2006-10-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM This Is Your Brain on Market Research

Advertising executive: Here are my recommendations: A. Can we simplify this? B. Consumers are stupid.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: writer and consumer


Posted 2006-10-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM Do You Think Our Product Caused Him to Explode?

Executive: So I ended up with the meth head's blood all over my face.

8081 Wallace Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Posted 2006-10-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM What Really Happened to IBM

Project manager: Because of their dependencies, these two projects should be run in parallel.
CEO: Yeah, we need to paralyze them. Good idea, Ted*!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Lila


Posted 2006-10-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations

VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.

Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York


Posted 2006-09-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Watched The Neverending Story Once Too Often

CIO: You developers have to tell the BAs if you're going to miss a deadline, or they'll be in the dark. Then they can't tell the managers, and they'll be in the dark. Pretty soon we have this big snowball of darkness.

625 Marquette Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Posted 2006-09-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory

Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Not the person either


Posted 2006-09-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM How to Tell If Your Co-Worker Is Actually a Robot

Male exec: I won't be able to be at the pitch. My grandfather died.
Female exec: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Male exec: It's okay, I still have my other grandfather.
Female exec: That's why you have two children, right? If one of them dies, you've still got the other one, so it's not so sad.

Dreamworks, 100 Universal Plaza
Universal City, California


Overheard by: Shrek


Posted 2006-09-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM I Will Need Additional Information to Arrive at a Decision

Exec: I'll be right back, so don't lock me out.
Cleaning lady: If I knew who the hell you were, maybe I'd consider it.
Exec: I'm the reason you have a job.

725 East 40th Street
Holland, Michigan


Overheard by: INTERN


Posted 2006-08-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review

VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.

45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York


Overheard by: melissa


Posted 2006-08-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM Cuban Business Customs: The Short Course

Canadian: Is there anything I should know about Cuban business customs before we get started?
Translator: No.

Girl with tray of espressos walks in and hands one to each person.

Canadian: I don't drink coffee.
Translator: You do today.

Cuban Health Ministry
Havana, Cuba


Overheard by: Drank the coffee


Posted 2006-08-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM It Just Has to Make Money; It Doesn't Have to Make Sense

Woman: Isn't this the most fucking idiotic thing you've ever had to do in your life?
Senior VP: No, actually, which is really embarrassing.

120 West 106th Street
New York, New York


Overheard by: George Feeney


Posted 2006-08-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Pulling in All Directions, Simultaneously

Exec: If we are going to succeed, we need strong leadership from everyone on the team.

50 Commerce Street
Trumbull, Connecticut


Overheard by: lowly


Posted 2006-08-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Use the Shank Key

VP, using Instant Messenger: How do I type a smiley face that means, "I'll cut you."

550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2006-08-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Well, It's Like I Always Say: Children Come First

Male bank president: My daughter's gonna letter in high school track this year.
Female vice president: Oh?
Male bank president: Yeah, she's a runner. All year I've been taking her out on country roads to let her spread her legs.
Female vice president, under her breath: Putz!

1105 Vargas Street
Atwood, Kansas


Posted 2006-08-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Michael Milken's Up to His Old Tricks

Exec steals Nutri-Grain Bar from CEO.

CEO: Give that back!
Exec: No.
CEO, cornering exec and pushing him against the wall: Give that to me; that's my Nutri-Grain!
Exec: You aren't getting it back.
CEO: That's stealing, man!
Exec: Buy some more! You've got the money!
CEO, releasing exec: You're a real class act, man.

Exec unwraps and eats Nutri-Grain Bar.

5200 Dixie Road
Toronto, Ontario


Posted 2006-08-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM How Do You Think I Got This Job?

Producer, on phone: I don't know how to make this more clear: Eat the bugs! You have to eat the bugs! Open your mouth, plug your nose, and shove the bugs in your mouth!

6727 Odessa Avenue
Van Nuys, California


Posted 2006-08-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Or Close Enough. It's Not Really Super Important.

VP: Well, we'll just keep compromising until we reach mediocrity.

139 Townsend
San Francisco, California


Overheard by: Amy


Posted 2006-07-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM We Need a Quorum to Get High

Vice-president #1, to vice-president #2: Now all we need is a bong and multiple partners!

37th Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York


Overheard by: Jenn


Posted 2006-07-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM It Goes Before the Arms Do

Corporate lawyer: What were we talking about again?
Helpful manager: One-armed lawyers.
Corporate lawyer: Ah, right. One-armed lawyers. Let me tell you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise that you don't start losing your memory as you get older.

Polite laughter from meeting attendees.

Corporate lawyer: So. Um. What were we talking about again?

473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey


Overheard by: office peon


Posted 2006-07-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM Fine, Then Just Give Me the Ones You Have On

Secretary: I'm going to Target at lunch. You need anything?
V.P.: Underwear! I always need underwear!
Secretary: Um...I'm not really comfortable with that.

1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois


Overheard by: Pirate Wench


Posted 2006-07-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Legal Brief

Partner #1: So, I explained to her that I didn't feel that commercial sexual relationships constituted adultery. And she bought it.
Partner #2: Gotta love the commerce clause.

575 Madison Avenue
New York, New York


Posted 2006-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Marketing Powwow

Exec: Babies don't go online! Mothers do.

163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California


Overheard by: Eve S. Dropper


Posted 2006-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM In the Corner Office

VP : So tell me again, why should she get a raise?
Director: She's been with us fifteen years, just completed her Masters and has made a lot of money for us the last 10 years.
VP: Listen, we don't give out raises for people who do a good job. You've gotta have a better reason than that.

1600 East Wendover Avenue
Greensboro, North Carolina


Overheard by
: Tom Duehring


Posted 2006-06-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Department Meeting

Marketing muckety-muck: ...I mean, you can put all the jewels that you want to on that girl, but if she doesn't have the surgery, it's not going to do any good.

163 Freelon Street
San Francisco, California


Overheard by
: Eve S. Dropper


Posted 2006-05-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Cappucino Run

Executive #1: We will never promote her. She is fucked up. Did you see her at the company picnic with her son?
Executive #2: No. What happened?
Executive #1: She was breastfeeding him!
Executive #2: So what?
Executive #1: He's like 5 years old!
Pause
Executive #2
: When is the next picnic?


1 Becton Drive
Franklin Lakes, New Jersey


Posted 2006-05-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Between Meetings

Suit #1: Whenever it rains, you come to work wearing plastic pants. Why do you get to wear plastic pants? My boss wouldn't let me wear plastic pants.
"Suit" #2: If you could do what I can do, you could wear plastic pants, too.

4 Irving Place
New York, New York


Overheard by
: Hobo Whisperer


Posted 2006-05-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

One VP to another: Well, it was a dumb thing to do. But it wasn't the first dumb thing we've done.

1501 Woodfield Road
Schaumburg, Illinois


Overheard by
: Pirate Wench


Posted 2006-05-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

Suit #1: Are you going to the farewell party for [Liz]?
Suit #2: I don't know yet. Does she know she's leaving or is it a surprise party?

3 2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey


Overheard by
: Hobo Whisperer


Posted 2006-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Long Term Planning

Subordinate #1, middle-aged: So, how's your broken toe doing, [Sara]?

VP [Sara]: It still hurts, but after four tries, I finally found a pair of high heels I can stand in.

Subordinate #1: Should you be doing that yet?

VP: I have a date tonight and need to look cute.

Subordinate 2, older: You shouldn't be wearing heels yet. You're going to ruin your feet so that when you're old like me you'll be able to wear only ugly shoes.

VP: I'll be married by then, so it won't matter!

208 South LaSalle
Chicago, Illinois


Posted 2006-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Lunch

Suit on cell to his niece: Did I hear you scored five goals in your last game? Do you have any idea how grateful to me you should be for your athletic ability?

4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana


Posted 2006-05-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

CFO is spouting gossip at happy hour.

Copywriter: How many have you had?!
CFO: What, wives or martinis?

312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio


Posted 2006-05-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

Trim middle-aged President: I just received my soccer badge in the mail.
Young receptionist: I can't see you playing soccer.
President: I don't play, I referee.
Receptionist: Still, I can't see your fat ass waddling up and down the field.

150 Batson Drive
Manchester, Connecticut


Overheard by
: now I'm going to have to answer the phones again


Posted 2006-04-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Performance Reviews Meeting

Exec: Hey [Nick], I've got a question for you.
Tax Manager: Yes?
Exec: I was thinking about you while I was in the shower this morning and--
Tax Manager: You probably shouldn't be thinking about me in the
shower [James]; you're a newly married man.
Exec
: ...


123 Robert S. Kerr Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma


Posted 2006-04-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Interviews

Senior VP: On a scale of 1 to 10, how honest are you?
Interviewee: Whatever I answer, how would you know if I'm telling the
truth or lying?

5650 Keaton Crescent
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia


Posted 2006-04-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Lunch

Director: I feel like she's staring into my soul.
Producer: It's a good feeling, isn't it?

35 West 4th Street
New York, NY


Overheard by
: jen d.


Posted 2006-04-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Finalize Conference

Senior VP: Make sure you reserve a king size bed because there's going to be two of us.

600 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC


Posted 2006-04-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Budgeting Meeting

Engineer: Let me guess, are you going to put on your "MBA Hat"?
Supervisor: How about I put my "Foot Hat" in your "Butt Hat"?

500 North Gulph Road
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania


Posted 2006-04-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Pre-meeting Prep

VP: Wow that sounds bad. Do we need to have a pre-meeting about that meeting?

3415 Vision Drive
Columbus, Ohio


Posted 2006-03-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Sitdown with HR

Art Director: What did you mean when you said that HR is going to work differently?
Exec: Oh, it's going to work now.

312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio


Posted 2006-03-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM Out of Here

Executive #1: You go first.
Executive #2: Why?
Executive #1: I always go first...I don't know what your problem is.
Executive #2: I don't have a problem; why can't you just go up the stairs first?

137 Ocean Avenue
Lakewood, New Jersey


Posted 2006-03-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

CEO: I think we should name [the product] SINBAD after [Janet].
Underling: "SINBAD"?
CEO: Single Income, No Boyfriend, and Desperate.

27 Gillies Avenue
Newmarket, Auckland
New Zealand


Posted 2006-03-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Lunch

Finance: The pills the pharmacy gave me for my back looked funny. They were supposed to be oval and yellow but they are more long and white.
VP: So did you find out what the problem was?
Finance: Well, I called the pharmacy and they said that they had mistakenly given me anti-psychotics instead of my back medicine.

666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC


Posted 2006-03-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Lunch

Health Exec: You working late?
Tech Exec: Nah, downloading porn. You?
Health Exec: Oh, you know it. Nursing administration porn. Woo-hoo!
Tech Exec: Send some my way. I'll send you some telecommunications porn.
Health Exec: "Oh baby, show me your phone. Let me see your router." Good times.

595 Market Street
San Francisco, California


Posted 2006-03-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Double Team Meeting

VP: So are you ready to service me yet?
Peon: Yes, I am ready to pleasure you now.
VP: Sounds good; is [Alex] ready too?
[Alex]: Yes, m'lady, I too am ready to provide you my services.
VP: Let's go get started in the blue room, then.

8441 Wayzata Boulevard
Golden Valley, Minnesota


Overheard by
: Sam Racadabra


Posted 2006-03-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

Project Manager: What's that band-aid on your neck for?
Owner: I had a melanoma removed.
Worker: Oh, I thought you were on the patch, but I didn't know they made a patch for "Asshole".
Owner: No, it's for hemorrhoids. I'm going to disappear.

8929 Rosedale Highway
Bakersfield, California


Posted 2006-02-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM Lunch

Owner: 28 cents isn't a lot, but after 100 times spending it, that's $28. Listen man, $28 is a bottle of champagne! Instead of throwing it in the trash can, I can drink it, man! $28 on top of $28...That starts to add up to a few bottles of champage and pretty girls and a nice dinner!

8860 NW 24th Terrace
Miami, Florida


Overheard by: Amanda


Posted 2006-02-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Back to Work

VP:I swear to God, the assistant at [DouglasCo] is so stupid.
Admin: Hey, even stupid people need jobs.
Coworker: Yeah. Some of them even make it to VP.

388 Greenwich Street
New York, NY


Posted 2006-02-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Staff Meeting

CIO: So, we're okay now?
Manager: No, we still have problems, but they're higher quality problems.

5000 Ellin Road
Lanham, Maryland


Overheard by
: Cantabile


Posted 2006-02-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Back to Work

President: This is our IT department. Those people write new programs all day long.
Customer: Oh, so this is the Nerd Center!

1047 17th Avenue
Santa Cruz, California


Posted 2006-02-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Employee Evals Due

HR: What we need to determine about her mistake is, is this fuckup a rare occurrence or is this the type of thing we should come to expect from her.
VP: You mean like the normal run of the mill disasters...
HR: Exactly.

75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine


Overheard by
: brian brinegar


Posted 2006-02-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Call Client

VP: It's so frustrating trying to reach that guy.
IT: How so?
VP: Whenever I call at lunch or after hours, he's never there.

12444 Powerscourt Drive
St. Louis, Missouri


Posted 2006-02-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM That's a Wrap

Boss: Did you pick up [Bruce]?
Owner: Yes, I picked him up.
[Bruce]: Do you think it's a sign to go home when you run out of gas in your car at a gas station who runs out of gas?

101 East Main Street
Farmington, New Mexico


Posted 2006-02-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Staff Meeting

Director: If there is amy way to complicate things, we will find it.

8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio


Posted 2006-02-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Update Website

Executive: Our new company motto is "Fuck it!" Can we put it on our website?

1777 North California Boulevard
Walnut Creek, California


Posted 2006-02-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM TGIF

VP: Everyone's getting pregnant here.
Co-worker: By the way, I'm going to be pregnant and gay on Monday.

1850 Elm Hill Pike
Nashville, Tennessee


Overheard by
: V. Schipani


Posted 2006-02-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Smoke Break

Producer: So you're from Iowa?
Consultant: No, Ohio.
Producer: Illinois?

333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma


Posted 2006-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM Smoke Break

Account Exec #1: Your hair looks short today. Did you wash it this morning?
Account Exec #2: Yeah, I contemplated not washing it, but I decided I should.
Account Exec #1: Friday isn't a hair washing day.
Account Exec #2: Well, I didn't wash it yesterday.
Account Exec #1: [Lucy] can go a couple of days without washing her hair.
Account Exec #2: A couple of days?
Account Exec #1: Well, it's more or less a question of whether or not her scalp is sweaty and smelly.

171 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2006-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Back to Work

Producer: My friend went to the Galapagos Islands and was astounded. They have birds called blue boobies. Google "blue boobies". You'll see pictures of them.
Suit: I'm not searching for blue boobies on my computer. I'll get called into the office for a talk.
Producer: Oh, I'll do it...see?
Suit: Wow, who would have thought that would't have brought up a porn site?

1910 South Highland Avenue
Lombard, Illinois


Posted 2006-01-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Department Meeting

Executive: In '06 we need to get more blood from the turnip.

2000 Plainfield Pike
Cranston, Rhode Island


Posted 2006-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Check Forecast

VP: Did you see the numbers today?
Marketing Manager: No. Is it bad?
VP: No. We're up.
Marketing Manager: We are?
VP: Yeah. Yesterday we were down 4.31, today we're up 0.51%. I mean, the goal was 10% so we're not out of the woods.
Marketing Manager: So it's like they've given us a year to live, not six months?
VP: Something like that.

16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona


Overheard by
: Miel Durand


Posted 2006-01-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Close Deal

Sales: You quoted 3 different prices to this customer.
CEO: You're not calling me an idiot, are you?
Sales: I'm saying that having been given all the facts you made 3 incompatable decisions.
CEO: That's sufficiently blameless.

12819 Coit Road
Cleveland, Ohio


Posted 2006-01-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Finalize Contracts

Boss: This subcontractor really chaps my butt.
Senior VP: Is it a good butt chapping or a bad chapping?
Boss: Bad.
Senior VP: Glad to know there's a differnce.

812 Moorefield Park
Richmond, Virginia


Posted 2006-01-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Layoff Announcements

Exec: Nobody walks around in culottes unless there's something important going on.

150 5th Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-12-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Staff Meeting

VP: That would be an unintended put option...as in put us out of our misery.

910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas


Posted 2005-12-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Go Over Forecasts

Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP
: Yeah, it's like twice as much.


910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas


Posted 2005-12-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Credit Meeting

VP: Are we going to continue to flog ourselves with the same blunt instrument?

910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas


Posted 2005-12-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Staff Meeting

VP: There is only so much you can do with one hand.
Co-worker: I'm not going to touch that.

910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas


Posted 2005-12-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Meeting to Find Our Motto

VP: We have to create the problem that the customer will want to solve.

910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas


Posted 2005-12-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Staff Meeting

VP: We learn much faster when there is a gun to our head.

910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas


Posted 2005-12-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Pass the Buck

VP Research: The client would like us to find a creative way to solve the problem.
Field Manager: I am tired of looking for the solution to this problem; let's start looking for someone to blame instead...

85 E Street
South Portland, Maine


Overheard by
: brian brinegar


Posted 2005-12-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Meeting with HR

VP #1: I look forward to working with you and [Justin].
VP #2: Yes. Let's do a threesome! It'll be really fun!

800 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota


Posted 2005-12-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch

HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn't be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone's last day of work will be December 31st--
HR: --and here are your severance packages.

238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Monday, Monday

Receptionist: Yeah, but if you say that then you're being illogical--
Exec: Ah, that's your problem, you've brought logic into the argument.
Receptionist: Um...

271 Rathdowne Street
Carlton, Victoria
Australia


Posted 2005-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Board Meeting

Attorney: An Interested Party is any board member who receives, or whose spouse or descendants receives, financial gain from the corporation.
Board member: So if my son works here, then I'm not an Interested Party.
Attorney: Your son is your descendant.
Board member: Are you sure?

1524 North Santa Fe Avenue
Vista, California


Posted 2005-11-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM Well, Remind Me in the Morning

Exec: Okay, before I forget...um. I already forgot.

460 Park Ave South
New York, NY


Overheard by
: J.B.


Posted 2005-11-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM All Hands Meeting

CEO: We can't shoot our parents until we can afford to move out of the house.

355 Burrard Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia


Posted 2005-11-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM It's One of Those Wednesdays...

VP Software Development: In my opinion you don't have to be good at what you do to be a good manager.

2 East Main Street
Danville, Illinois


Posted 2005-11-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Sensitivity Seminar

VP: Are you pregnant?
Worker #1: No!
VP: I'm just asking because it seems like you get pregnant every two months.
Worker #2: Hey! You can't ask people if they are pregnant!
VP: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.

625 Mount Auburn Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts


Posted 2005-11-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Follow Up with Sasquatch

Exec: Look, I don't care about the Weekly World News. All I want to know is how this affects the Bigfoot cover!

Star Magazine
1 Park Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-11-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Chris Back from Vacation

Exec: I was in this fabulous hotel in Banff, in Alberta. And these Japanese businessmen were there too, and you know, the Japanese are so...what's the word? Xenophobic. These Japanese businessmen come walking down the hall, seven abreast, as though everyone should just naturally get out of their way. So I just clipped the guy on the shoulder and spun him around. And he looked at me with this look and I said, "Hey, pal; welcome to America." Actually, it was Canada, but same difference.

2000 Westchester Avenue
Purchase, New York


Overheard by
: Emilio Lizardo


Posted 2005-11-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Band Meet & Greet

Musician: Nice of you to join us.
Exec: Well, you were 30 minutes late; I went to take a shit!
Musician: You're entitled to that.
Exec: I washed my hand if you want to shake it.

875 6th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by
: N & S


Posted 2005-11-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Meeting (Cont'd)

VP: I don't necessarily want you to improve one thing by 100%, but if you improve 100 things by 1% you will still have made 100% improvement. That's all I ask.

5720 Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia


Posted 2005-11-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM IT Meeting

CIO on speaker: Time out guys, an animal just came into my
office...Cats aren't allowed in my office till after 5.

2 Industrial Park Drive
Williamston, Michigan


Posted 2005-10-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Anywhere But Here...

Exec #1: ...Yeah, anybody can own a Louis Vuitton nowadays. You know someone really has money when they can control other people's time.
Exec #2: Totally.

1212 6th Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-10-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Fortunately It's Over

VP: We're having quite an exciting day. Have you used the f-word
yet?
Staffer
: Probably yes, quietly to myself.


15 Walnut Street
Wellesley Hills, Massachusetts


Posted 2005-10-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Managers' Meeting

Owner: You've got to tell me these things. I don't know everything that's going on...you'd be surprised at what I don't know.

2100 Goshen Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana


Posted 2005-10-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM All-Hands Meeting

CEO: It's like the dog and the tail. The tail is the reward and happiness. The dog is how you get there, the hard work.

460 Phillip Street
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia


Posted 2005-10-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

11AM Conference Call

Executive Woman: Yes, I understand...True dat. Er, I mean, we have also found that to be the case.

1123 Broadway
New York, NY


Posted 2005-10-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Schedule Regional Calls

Field manager: So Utah is what, 2 hours behind us?
VP Research: No, they're more like 25 years behind us.

85 E Street
South Portland, Maine


Overheard by
: Brian Brinegar


Posted 2005-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

9AM Client Call

VP Research on phone: Look, I understand you think your project numbers are important, but we have data to suggest you don't need to know them.

85 E Street
South Portland, Maine


Overheard by
: Brian Brinegar


Posted 2005-09-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Call HR

VP Sales: Don't tell Human Resources I said this, okay, but these chocolates are gay.

5 W. Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois


Posted 2005-09-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

10AM Go Pick Up Air Freshener

Producer: Rarely does a day go by where my underwear is less than 10 years old.

11 Penn Plaza
New York, NY


Overheard by
: D to the C


Posted 2005-08-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM Get Ready to Go Home

Executive: You know it's been a productive day when you smell as bad as I do right now.

6423 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Posted 2005-08-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Chick Becomes VP and Loses All Sense of Decorum

VP: You'll need to sit between [Jake] and I at the next meeting so I don't kick his ass.
Peon: I'll hold him if you'll hit him.

1500 Hampton Street
Columbia, South Carolina


Posted 2005-08-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

1PM "...Want to see the vine I grew?"

Account Exec: ...I stopped by this morning to go over stuff from the call but you were out. Were you at [the client]'s?
VP: No, actually, to be perfectly honest, I just ate way too many grapes this morning.

555 Sparkman Drive NW
Huntsville, Alabama


Posted 2005-08-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

3PM I Dream That We Can All Talk That Way to Mgmt.

Former VP: I heard you were dreaming about me.
Executive Assistant: If the person gave you the impression that it was in a positive connotation, they were gravely mistaken.

1000 Voorhees Drive
Voorhees, New Jersey


Posted 2005-08-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM The Same People Who Work Hard for Someone Else's Company

Marketing manager: I think we'll just give him our rationale, and if he objects, that's crazy! Who would object to logic?

1 Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois


Posted 2005-08-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM My Mental Celebration: Coke Orgy. You?

President: I know that the budget cuts have hit everyone very hard, but we want you to know that we appreciate everyone's hard work and efforts and we think that you should all take the time to celebrate...er...in your own minds.

3081 Zanker Road
San Jose, California


Posted 2005-08-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM That's About As Funny As I'd Expect a CEO to Get

VP: It's not working. I can't get it up. I can't get it up.
CEO: They make a pill for that now, you know.

28 Crescent Street
Middletown, Connecticut


Posted 2005-08-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

7PM Multiasking the Multitasker

VP #1: You're not listening to me
VP #2: Yes I am!
VP #1: No you're not, whenever I try to ask you a question you're on the phone!
VP #2: Why can't I multitask?
VP #1: Because you're lousy at it and I'll have to ask you three times!

30 E 33rd Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-08-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

7PM That's Not Her Title; She's Just Very Paranoid

VP: It really freaks me out when you look in here and laugh; it makes me think there's something wrong with me.

30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-07-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM Nothing's As Snarky As a Gunshot Wound

VP: She was mean! She said, "I guess I'll just have to come up to New York and kill you then."
Assistant: Was she being sarcastic?
VP: I think so.

30 E. 33rd Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-07-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM Surely He Means The Da Vinci

Marketing exec: If we didn't have to spend so much time telling you our requirements, you could be done with the code already!

228 East 86th Street
New York, NY




Posted 2005-07-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

2PM Overheard on the Radio

The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).

As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.

1 Centre Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-06-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

6AM Kevin Likes to Get a Grip on Big Issues

VP: You'll have to get a group together and have a good look at his package. Get Kevin involved if possible.

21651 Melrose Avenue
Southfield, Michigan


Posted 2005-06-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM It's the Official CEO Motto

CEO: A man in my position has a high tolerance for other people's pain.

110 E. Clayton Street
Athens, Georgia


Posted 2005-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Methinks He Can't Spell "VP" Either

VP: Communication: it's hard to spell, so it must be hard to do.

1 Railroad Avenue
Cooperstown, New York


Posted 2005-05-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM Despite This Site, Sometimes the CEO is the Voice of Reason

CEO: My only regret was that I couldn't fire her [VP Marketing] twice.

50 Fremont Street
San Francisco, California


Overheard by
: Vin Dicated


Posted 2005-05-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM If You Can't Produce, At Least Be An LA Cliche

Producer guy #1: She's just awful.
Producer guy #2: And it's not like she's smokin' hot!
Producer guy #1: Yeah, if you can't act at least be smoking hot.

10201 West Pico Boulevard
Los Angeles, California


Posted 2005-05-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

6AM She's Got a Point

Vice President: All that matters is I'm rich with a big dick.

64 Bluxome Street
San Francisco, California


Posted 2005-05-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM That's Why You Don't Schedule These Things in the Afternoon

Producer: Sorry I couldn't make your screening, but as you heard I was
drunk and asleep even by the time your call came around.

12 West 27th Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-05-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM The Kid Who Should've Loved Ducking

VP of marketing: If you used a duck, you'd somehow have to tie it into a kid who was killed by a drunk driver who loved ducks.

30 E, 33rd Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-05-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

8AM Diversity? Never Met Him

Producer: One of the things that came out of the meetings is that they
wanted more diversity.
Consultant
: Who?


12 West 27th Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM Behind the Scenes: At the Publishers Conference

Lady Executive: I don't even want to hear from you, Stewart. You know you fucked me on that paper deal. You fucked me hard and you didn't even kiss me.

2233 King Drive
Chicago, Illinois


Overheard by
: Next Big Thing


Posted 2005-04-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

5PM A Happy Environment: Us vs. Them

Producer: No! No! They don't get chocolate back there! They're not part of the team!

12 West 27th Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-04-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

8AM "...and then up, and then down..."

Producer #1: I saw the naked pictures just now.
Producer #2: And?
Producer #1: I think he should take them down.

12 West 27 Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-03-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

8AM The A is for A-hole

Producer: Hey Nick, let's hook this up ASPA.

355 W. 52nd Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-03-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

7AM "It's not. I cut hair in the dark."

Producer: How important is it to have the mirror when you cut my hair?

12 W. 27th St
New York, NY


Posted 2005-03-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12AM Strategy: Never Losing Sight of Your Goals

Project Manager: Wegman's was voted the #1 company to work for in America.
Sales VP: Really?
Project Manager: Yeah. Do you know what their slogan is? "Employees first, customers second."
Engineer: Well, we've been putting customers second for years!
Sales VP: Actually it's customers second, employees third, and we don't know what the first is.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-02-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

12PM Leadership Means Boosting Your Subordinates

CEO: [Frank] and [James] go way back. And when they start on a bid, [Frank] doesn't shave. He grows a moustache, and when we get the deal the moustache comes off. So when I see it start coming back, I want it off. Either way, he's still the ugliest bastard we have on the team.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

8AM "Dictator for Life" Was Taken

Operator: Am I turning the conference over to you?
CEO: Yes.
Operator: And what title would you like to be associated with your name?
CEO: Supreme Commander.
Engineer: She thinks he's kidding.
Operator: So what title would you really like?
CEO: Supreme Commander.

350 Madison Avenue
New York, NY


Posted 2005-01-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4PM "No, but I know that you're full of shit!"

A memo went out stating the upstairs bathrooms will be shut down for one week to redo the walls, sinks and plumbing. An executive tries to barge in anyway.

Union guy: You can't go in there.
Executive: Don't you know who I am?

450 W. 33rd Street
New York, NY


Posted 2005-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

4AM ...And Sometimes We Overhear Wisdom

Lady VP: I left on good terms. Not necessarily with the people I worked with, but definitely the people I worked for.

4 Times Square
New York, NY


Posted 2005-01-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook