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10AM Um, Is That How It Works?
VP: I just completed sexual harassment training! Who's gonna be my first victim?
Assistant: Me!
1 Glenlake Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM And Will It Require Me to Stop Playing Solitaire?
Account executive: We are going to need to traffic that ad out by Friday.
Traffic manager: What does 'traffic' mean?
Birmingham, Alabama
4PM So It Looks Good in Tight Buns?
VP to general counsel: A nine-inch wiener is a nine-inch wiener. You've got to make it look pretty.
850 Bryant Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: IC Balaam
10AM So Abandon All Hope, Yadda Yadda Yadda
Vice president: I know it's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.
198 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
10AM Um, Was That on the Table?
Annoyed executive: I wouldn't piss in his mouth if it was a urinal!
84 Newbury Street
Peabody, Massachusetts
10AM Those Bastards!
Fund raising exec: We keep hearing about these people who die, and we sit around waiting to hear what they're going to give to us, and it turns out they've left all their money to the crippled children!
Non-profit organization
Washington, DC
10AM Wow, That's the Biggest Subpoena I've Ever Seen
Loud female lawyer: I'll show you yours if you show me mine! Wait, the other way around...
Evanston, Illinois
Overheard by: cubicle across the hall
5PM No, Sir -- Just Invite the Media to Join Us
Executive: I once had to tell a supreme court judge to remove his martini from the canoe. The judge was attending an opening reception of a museum exhibition. He said to me, 'What are you going to do, sue me?'
San Francisco, California
4PM Geez, Don't Be Such an Eyeore.
Bank assistant VP #1: It all comes, said Pooh, of not hiring the right people.
Bank assistant VP #2: Exactly... Wait, did you say 'said Pooh'?
9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
1PM Dude, You're on Speakerphone
VP, after phone call: What are these guys, incompetent? [Looks at phone] Is that thing hung up?
Ventura and Balboa Boulevards
Encino, California
Overheard by: Wish I didn't work in the Valley
2PM Is It Legal to Say That in Indiana?
CFO: Fourth floor is going to Hooters. I don't like Hooters. I like Dick's.
1 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Peon
2PM Dude, It's Not for That
Account exec #1: So, are you still taking calcium?
Account exec #2: Yeah, and I'm still fucking crazy.
289 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
11AM Strawberry Cancer
Staffer: Oh, great! The water bottles are in!
Executive, opening bottle and sniffing it: It smells like cancer.
38th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
4PM ... And for Once It Won't Be One of Us
Attorney: Maybe we'll get lucky and there'll be a murder.
County courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Lan
10AM Like "You Knocked Up My Daughter"
CEO: Getting shot's not so bad... So long as it's for the right reason.
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
Overheard by: hiding under my desk
11AM Women.
VP: They're all doable. We're just not able to do most of them.
Norwalk, Connecticut
Overheard by: Cautiously Optimistic
10AM We're Still Paying Off the Judgment in the Dumpty Case
CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail
Judge: I'm not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That's the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin's face.
District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
4PM In Court He Refers to the Judge As "Venerable Dickhead"
Intern: Holy shit, it's cold in here!
Sandy*, ancient secretary: Allen*! This a law office -- a professional place of business. We do not use profanity in this office. What if a client had been waiting in reception and heard you use that kind of language? In the future I would ask that you refrain from using that kind of language. I'm sure the partners would not appreciate you speaking that way to your coworkers, especially those who are older than you.
Partner, entering five minutes later: Jesus-fucking-Christ, it's cold in here! Goddamn, Larry* -- cheapskate son of a bitch won't turn the heat on until nine. Sandy, get me Larry's number so I can give that asshole a piece of my mind. Fucking dick. Every goddamn winter he pulls this shit. And Sandy, make some coffee for these interns -- it's like 40 degrees in here!
Law office
New York, New York
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
2PM ... Nor What State We Started In
VP on phone: Yeah, what's wrong?
Niece on speaker phone: We're lost. Can you pull up a map or something?
VP: Where are you and where are you going?
Niece: We're going somewhere in Massachusetts, and we don't know what state we're in.
316 Warren Avenue
Front Royal, Virginia
Overheard by: not the dumbest anymore
3PM And It Involves Singing Bears?
Account executive: Is child porn wrong if only children see it?
330 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
9AM It'd Almost Be Worth the Lawsuits
Owner of company: That, coming out of a midget, would kick ass!
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
9AM Groucho Marx: How the Elephant Got Me Out of My Pajamas I'll Never Know
Marketing manager justifying event expenses: It costs a lot for a naked elephant ride these days. Not like it used to be.
980 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM ... Doctor
Attorney on phone: Yeah, I told my wife I'd be home late. We can get together for an hour or two. Can't wait to feel you inside me.
Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM The Conversation Enters a DO Loop
Principal: Do you know Fortran?
Research analyst: Yes, I think so... Wait, is that a man or a woman?
John Hancock Tower
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: economista
9AM Not without a Pre-Hook
Lawyer on phone: Homeless strippers?... Dude, you don't want to hook up with a homeless stripper.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: temporary paralegal
3PM Originally in San Francisco, but Then Rewrite Got a Hold of It
Director: So what city was Beverly Hills Cop set in?
444 North 44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM Oh, Sorry, "3." We'll Fill You in Later
CEO: Everyone was at that meeting! If your name began with a consonant or a vowel, you were in the fuckin' meeting!
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM But without the Hassle of a Trial
Supervisor #1: Anyone want any chocolate? I have three pounds.
Supervisor #2: From the boyfriend, huh?
Supervisor #3: I don't think I could eat three pounds of anything. What could I eat three pounds of?
Supervisor #1: Ice cream. I could eat three pounds of ice cream.
Supervisor #3: I could definitely eat three pounds of ice cream. That's kind of a gross thought, though.
Supervisor #1: It's like eating a preemie.
200 New Canton Way
Robbinsville, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon hate v-day
12PM When It's Done, the Spine Will Be Tingling
VP: The publishing of the book will take a long time because it requires a hand job.
Bethesda, Maryland
9AM You Mean Your Dog Jumped Off a Cliff?
CEO at company-wide meeting: You have to understand -- we are a relatively young company, and we are in Helen Keller mode right now.
13500 Heritage Parkway
Fort Worth, Texas
12PM I Give Them a Year, Tops
Director of sales and marketing baby-talking and hugging his iBook: Some day you're going to be a dinosaur and no one is going to like you! But not me! No, I love you, little iBook.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: reservations monster
1PM If Our Customers Won't Behave, We Fire Them
VP on phone with angry customer: Well, I'm sorry that nobody has been here to take your calls or return your messages yet. We've been busy in the office lately... Yes, I understand it's frustrating, but we're doing all we can... Okay, look Larry*, look -- the reason nobody's here whenever you call is because we just got caller ID last week, and everybody ignores you because nobody wants to deal with you because you're an asshole... Yeah, I heard you were a real piece of work to our receptionist... You're an asshole! Yeah? Well, I don't care if we have your business anymore. Asshole!
Beltsville, Maryland
Overheard by: The abused receptionist
3PM Your Honor, There Are No Files in These Drawers
Employee: These file drawers are really getting overloaded.
Supervisor: Yeah, time for some perjury.
Westlake, Ohio
Overheard by: Giddy-up!
9AM But Now, of Course, There's a Manual
CEO on sales pitch: When businesses first started creating web pages on the internet, it was kind of like having sex with your daughter -- everyone was talking about it, but nobody really knew what they were doing.
Prospective client: Well... My daughter is eight, so I don't think she's having sex with anybody.
8737 Colesville Road
Silver Spring, Maryland
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
4PM Although Chuckie Is Coughing up a Response on the Rug
Editor: I know it's not truthful to say we're still generating responses to your proprosal, but it's better than saying we're drunk and lazy.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM And Lets Make the Password... 'Password,' Okay?
VP on phone with bank: I need to verify three times? I'm sorry, but that's just too secure for me.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
2PM Is It Just Those of You Who Drank the Kool-Aid?
CEO: By a show of hands, how many of you believe that I believe in this company?
Ballantyne Office Park
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Make Her Come up with a Better Slogan Than 'Can You Hear Me Now?'
Young ad executive #1: Anybody want a Jamba Juice? Sam the intern is going to make a run.
Young ad executive #2: Yeah, but why are you getting a Jamba Juice? You just ate lunch.
Young ad executive #1: I don't really want one, I just feel bad the intern has nothing to do.
7th Avenue and 23rd Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Corn Mash Whiskey
4PM It's Just How Things Are Aboard the Pequod
VP yelling into phone: If I have the whale, then I'm king! Everyone has to follow me!
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
11AM Really, Why Does There Have to Be a Box at All?
Account executive on phone to media planner: All this thinking out of the box... I mean, the box doesn't have to be square.
150 W Jefferson Avenue
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: I guess she has a hat box
9AM Whoops!
CEO: Anywho, it'll make us look honest, at least, if we say we just won't charge for that job. We don't want to just out-and-tell them we fucked that one all to hell.
34921 Del Rio Drive
Ontario, California
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
10AM Which Is Incompatible with Our Corporate Rigidity
Executive: At the end of December she agreed to voluntarily quit. She really wants to go and do that bendy thing -- you know, yoga.
Portrero Hill
San Francisco, California
11AM That Was MasterBeta Testing
Developer #1: We've never run the application in a clustered environment.
Developer #2: Yeah, but we've run it in a cluster-fucked environment.
Canal Park
Cambridge, Massachusetts
5PM From The Complete Idiot's Guide to Business Diplomacy
Executive forwarding an email to whole company: I don't know if any of you have seen this summary. You may find it a useful 'Idiot's Guide.'
Employee: Are you implying everyone you just sent this to is an idiot?
Executive: Not in the slightest! I was implying the guy who sent it to me thought I was an idiot.
1251 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
3PM And Get Some Plastic Surgery
Man: Well, nobody can believe you're single and attractive.
Woman: Maybe I should just buy a wedding ring.
420 Ramona Street
Palo Alto, California
Overheard by: My Good Ear
2PM But Only by Going Further in Can We Acquire Cheese
Board member: There has got to be a way out of this place.
175 S. 3d St
Columbus, Ohio
11AM This Mid-Life Crisis Is Coming Together Nicely
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning!
Admin: What?
CEO: I hit a garbage truck this morning! Broadsided it! Never even saw it!
Admin: You didn't see a garbage truck?
CEO: I know! I was doing like 40 miles an hour! And my kid was in the car!
1190 Del Rio Place
Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: Never riding with the boss