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11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside
Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?
1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri
4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment
Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.
Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts
Overheard by: slurific
10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End
Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.
Piedmont, South Carolina
Overheard by: Ape
2PM Aren't You Worried about Flooding?
Job interviewer: So, when exactly are you moving here?
Job interviewee: As soon as we find a place to live. We're looking for an apartment or a condom.
602 West University Avenue
Urbana, Illinois
1PM When the Inner Monologue Becomes the Outer, Grasshopper, It Is Time to Leave the Theater
Ticket taker to patrons: Enjoy the movie! Theater ten is on the left. Enjoy your movie! [In exasperation, at same volume] I really, really hate this job!
Mississippi
Overheard by: Amused Movie Goer
12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics
Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?
1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois
11AM He Answers to Both -- Don't Sweat It
Agent: We used to play this drinking game when I was twnety. They still have it now. What was that called? President? Mr. President? Oh, yeah! 'Asshole'!
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Just the Receptionist
2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People
Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.
Ringwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: cps
10AM Yes, I Was Hoping You Might Be Able to Give Me Some AIDS
Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?
Houston, Texas
5PM And There's Nothing I Enjoy More Than Being Taken from Behind
Male worker to female lunch companion: See, the good thing about you is that you can really pack it in. I mean, most girls can't do that.
12th and G Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: i like to eat too
2PM After That, I Wore It all the Time, So It Wasn't Really a Costume
Male peon: I was a pink My Little Pony for Halloween once.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More
Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Mhlanguli
1PM That's Your Answer to Everything
Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?
1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California
12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report
Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.
14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton
11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here
Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.
Enfield, Connecticut
4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You
Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!
Portland, Texas
Overheard by: Kayte
2PM A Few Are Really Overweight
Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
10AM Next Time, I Think I'll Outsource
Woman in stall: I can do it... I know I can do it! ... I did it! [Flush.]
Third bathroom stall over
San Dimas, California
Overheard by: badfishey
2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?
Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?
42 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM What Have You Been Doing to Your Nose?
Sales guy: Does anyone else smell hot dogs and sauerkraut?
Sales chick: Ummm... There's doughnuts in the conference room.
Sales guy: I bet that's it!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"
Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!
Hackensack, New Jersey
10AM Defined My Terms Nicely
Female coworker: I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote my report in eyeliner.
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It
Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.
Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!
Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!
Plymouth, Michigan
2PM Good to See the Propellor Beanie Making a Comeback
Office peon: So, that guy with the little hat on -- he's the president?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes
Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.
3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas
11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.
Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?
Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...
209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California
12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?
Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...
Boulder, Colorado
5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"
Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!
1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"
Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.
9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado
Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez
1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?
Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!
Baltimore, Maryland
1PM Likewise.
Office lady #1: It's so cold in here. Oooh! The hair on my arm is sticking up -- I didn't even know I had hair.
Office lady #2: Of course you do! You're a mammal...
Office lady #1: No, I'm Chinese! Oriental!
Male coworker: I have got to write this down.
185 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM ... And Biting Hard
Project manager: People think I'm a liberal because I'm always going down on George Bush.
Detroit, Michigan
4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control
Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.
2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon
3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations
Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.
McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: Brett C
12PM By Whom?
Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.
1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York
10AM ... And Embellishing It
Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!
Kansas
3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process
Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.
Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: jennifer
9AM You're the Only One Who's Ever Noticed
Office peon: You smell like a giant fruit fly!
Fishers, Indiana
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
1PM Oh Noz!
Cashier #1: What do you think of, you know, when people stick random Zs into words? Like, 'For shizzle, my nizzle'?
Cashier #2: Man, I hate it when people do that. They sound like they ain't got no speech.
8700 East 63rd Street
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Jedusor
1PM My Fainting Couch Won't Be Delivered Until Tomorrow
Employee: Why are you eating?
Hungry guy: Because it's Tuesday.
8531 E Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
5PM ... Where I Went to School
Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That's in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that's the Magic Kingdom...
Woman: Oh, you're right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: Service Dispatcher
9AM I'll Always Regret Getting That Question Wrong on My AP Exam
Old man peon looking at photograph: This is dated 1873 -- a year before Pabst won the ribbon!
Washington, DC
10AM Or the Philadelphia Equivalent
Employee #1: I've never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It's getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don't care about how it looks. I'm just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM Amnesty International Says That's Torture, You Know
Employee: Nah, if he asks me for a ride, I ain't giving it to him. I mean, maybe I will and then I'll turn the radio to the Christian station and blast it and say, 'I'm sorry! It's my vehicle!'
Newport News, Virginia
Overheard by: The Temp
11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work
New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.
Columbia University
New York, New York
10AM Whatever Shall We Do?
Woman #1: Does this copier work?
Woman #2: Yes, but it's not turned on. It will take a while to warm up.
Woman #1: I'm in a hurry, so I guess I'll just go to another office and use theirs.
Woman #2: Why don't you just use our other copier?
Woman #1: It's not working.
Woman #2: Really? I just used it last night.
Woman #1, going to copier: See? It says, 'Paper tray empty. Please load paper.'
425 I Street
Washington, DC
2PM Is That the Code of the West?
Coworker: All the hot guys kill people! Well, at least the black ones.
Pecos and Sunset Road
Las Vegas, Nevada