11AM Baby, We Don't Need to Go Outside

Female employee to female supervisor: Do you want to go outside and get hot with me?

1200 Southwest Boulevard
Jefferson City, Missouri

4PM I Stand by My Earlier Assessment

Employee #1: Who's that new blonde girl that works here?
Employee #2: Which new blonde girl? That doesn't narrow it down.
Employee #1: You know, the... the slow one. She sounds kind of retarded when she talks.
Employee #2: Kelly*? She's not retarded, you jerk -- she's from Sweden. English isn't her first language.

Boston Post Road
Sudbury, Massachusetts

Overheard by: slurific

10AM And Then Stuff Comes Out on the Other End

Worker explaining new fax machine: Stand there and just stick it in. Bottom up.

Piedmont, South Carolina

Overheard by: Ape

2PM Aren't You Worried about Flooding?

Job interviewer: So, when exactly are you moving here?
Job interviewee: As soon as we find a place to live. We're looking for an apartment or a condom.

602 West University Avenue
Urbana, Illinois

1PM When the Inner Monologue Becomes the Outer, Grasshopper, It Is Time to Leave the Theater

Ticket taker to patrons: Enjoy the movie! Theater ten is on the left. Enjoy your movie! [In exasperation, at same volume] I really, really hate this job!

Mississippi

Overheard by: Amused Movie Goer

12PM As Long As They Keep Kicking Out Quality Electronics

Coworker: Hey, Paul*, my daughter just learned to say 'Thank you' in Chinese.
Paul: That's great. Sounds like a smart kid.
Coworker: Yeah! I think I'm gonna tell Amy*.
Paul: Amy's Korean
Coworker: Isn't it the same thing?

1234 Brookdale Drive
Glendale Heights, Illinois

11AM He Answers to Both -- Don't Sweat It

Agent: We used to play this drinking game when I was twnety. They still have it now. What was that called? President? Mr. President? Oh, yeah! 'Asshole'!

2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland

Overheard by: Just the Receptionist

2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People

Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.

Ringwood, New Jersey

Overheard by: cps

10AM Yes, I Was Hoping You Might Be Able to Give Me Some AIDS

Associate: Thank you for calling the Houston gonorrhea. Can I help you?

Houston, Texas

5PM And There's Nothing I Enjoy More Than Being Taken from Behind

Male worker to female lunch companion: See, the good thing about you is that you can really pack it in. I mean, most girls can't do that.

12th and G Street NW
Washington, DC

Overheard by: i like to eat too

2PM After That, I Wore It all the Time, So It Wasn't Really a Costume

Male peon: I was a pink My Little Pony for Halloween once.

312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio

5PM Relax and Try Not to Think about Jessica Simpson Any More

Cube monkey with web problems on phone to IT: Ugh, I can't get it up. Get your ass over here -- I can't get it up!

Bristol
England

Overheard by: Mhlanguli

1PM That's Your Answer to Everything

Programmer: Okay, so he asked us for a digital signature solution to document tracking and approval... Ideas?
Analyst: What if we got a couple midgets, and bought a few Etch A Sketches...?

1932 Wildcat Canyon Road
San Diego, California

12PM To Summarize Our 86-Page Status Report

Earnest cube rat: If it's ready on time, it will be ready. But if it's not ready on time, then it won't be ready.

14455 North Hayden Road
Scottsdale, Arizona

Overheard by: Cubey McCuberton

11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here

Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.

Enfield, Connecticut

4PM I'm Almost Sorry I'm Going to Have to Destroy You

Worker #1: Today is the longest day of sunshine.
Worker #2: What if it rains?
Worker #1: The sun doesn't go down when it rains.
Worker #2: But it's not out.
Worker #1: Yeah, but it doesn't go down! ... You are so pretty!

Portland, Texas

Overheard by: Kayte

2PM A Few Are Really Overweight

Study abroad agent: We currently have 10 students in dozens of countries.

Colorado Springs, Colorado

10AM Next Time, I Think I'll Outsource

Woman in stall: I can do it... I know I can do it! ... I did it! [Flush.]

Third bathroom stall over
San Dimas, California

Overheard by: badfishey

2PM Other Than a List of Unmarried Employees in Bullet-Point Format?

Peon: Will there be an agenda at the holiday party?

42 Broadway
New York, New York

1PM What Have You Been Doing to Your Nose?

Sales guy: Does anyone else smell hot dogs and sauerkraut?
Sales chick: Ummm... There's doughnuts in the conference room.
Sales guy: I bet that's it!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"

Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!

Hackensack, New Jersey

10AM Defined My Terms Nicely

Female coworker: I hope he doesn't mind that I wrote my report in eyeliner.

Boston, Massachusetts

11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager

Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?

Sonoma, California

4PM Dude, She Wants You to Ask Why -- Don't Do It

Female worker bee: Next time I make popcorn, I'm putting it in my pants.

Columbus Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

5PM When They're in the Litter Box, It's Payback Time!

Middle-aged cashier to customer: Sometimes, when I'm on the toilet pooping, my cats come in and bite my feet!

Plymouth, Michigan

2PM Good to See the Propellor Beanie Making a Comeback

Office peon: So, that guy with the little hat on -- he's the president?

745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

12PM Damn Those Ninja Shoes

Sales assistant #1: Man, I hate Glen* -- becomes a manager and gets all crazy.
Sales assistant #2: What's he makin' you do?
Sales assistant #1: Sweep the whole service alley! Man, sometimes I just wanna hit that guy. I've been here two years, and he makes me, the head sales assistant, do the crap work.
Sales assistant #2: [Stares.]
Sales assistant #1: He's right behind me, isn't he?
Sales assistant #2: Yup.

3709 East Central Texas Expressway
Killeen, Texas

11AM All Right, All Right, I'll Like It.

Assistant on phone with sales rep: Allen*, what was going on with that part for Darin*?
Allen: It'll be in here in the morning. I'm going to drive it down there, and I'm probably going to have to blow him, but I won't like it!
Assistant on phone: He said they'll... Wait... What did you say, Allen?!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

5PM Jeez, They're Not Lawnmowers, Okay?

Coworker: Maybe when my first cat dies from misuse...

209 Redwood Shores Parkway
Redwood City, California

12PM Regardless, Could You Put Yours On?

Coworker: Wow, you have a totally different view of the world when you're wearing pants...

Boulder, Colorado

5PM President Bush Defines "Democracy"

Office grunt on phone: I absolutely agree... with myself!

1 Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont

12PM Which Has Officially Been Changed to "Hey There Delilah"

Blonde peon: Oooh, this song is so pretty! I love it.
Male coworker: What, the 'Star-Spangled Banner'?
Blonde peon: No, the national anthem.

9055 East Mineral Circle
Centennial, Colorado

Overheard by: Aaron M Gomez

1PM How Do You Expect Me to Work in Conditions Like This?

Annoying peon: Can you get on the internet? [To a second peon] Can you get on the Internet? [Shouts down hall] Can anyone get on the Internet?! Nothing will come up! I can't even get my usual porn sites to come up!

Baltimore, Maryland

1PM Likewise.

Office lady #1: It's so cold in here. Oooh! The hair on my arm is sticking up -- I didn't even know I had hair.
Office lady #2: Of course you do! You're a mammal...
Office lady #1: No, I'm Chinese! Oriental!
Male coworker: I have got to write this down.

185 Cambridge Street
Boston, Massachusetts

5PM ... And Biting Hard

Project manager: People think I'm a liberal because I'm always going down on George Bush.

Detroit, Michigan

4PM And They Wear These Little Hats to Prevent Alien Mind Control

Lady peon, back from vacation: Yeah, so in Israel they have something called Shabbat every Friday. I think it's a chicken dish.

2701 NW Vaughn Street
Portland, Oregon

3PM According to Our Employee Evaluations

Lady worker leaving meeting: You guys just aren't as skilled as I am in the Porn Names Department.

McDonald's Drive
Oakbrook, Illinois

Overheard by: Brett C

12PM By Whom?

Lady peon on phone: I don't know... That whole Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is overrated.

1212 6th Avenue
New York, New York

10AM ... And Embellishing It

Employee written up for gossiping: I wasn't gossiping! I was just repeating something that someone else had told me!

Kansas

3PM Fortunately, the Lobotomy Expedited the Review Process

Partner: Call Greg* and have him look over these documents.
Associate: Greg had surgery yesterday and is in the hospital. Do you want to call someone else to review them?
Partner: No, Greg can do it. It's not like he's dead.
Associate: Okay, I'll call him in the morning.
Partner: No, call him now. It's not like he has anything better to do tonight.

Law firm, 1201 Elm Street
Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: jennifer

9AM You're the Only One Who's Ever Noticed

Office peon: You smell like a giant fruit fly!

Fishers, Indiana

3PM Like You've Never Wondered?

Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?

11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

1PM Oh Noz!

Cashier #1: What do you think of, you know, when people stick random Zs into words? Like, 'For shizzle, my nizzle'?
Cashier #2: Man, I hate it when people do that. They sound like they ain't got no speech.

8700 East 63rd Street
Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Jedusor

1PM My Fainting Couch Won't Be Delivered Until Tomorrow

Employee: Why are you eating?
Hungry guy: Because it's Tuesday.

8531 E Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington

5PM ... Where I Went to School

Man hanging up phone: Wow, that guy had a neat accent. He said he was from the United Kingdom.
Woman: United Kingdom? That's in Florida, right?
Man: No, I think that's the Magic Kingdom...
Woman: Oh, you're right! United Kingdom is in Kentucky.

Spartanburg, South Carolina

Overheard by: Service Dispatcher

9AM I'll Always Regret Getting That Question Wrong on My AP Exam

Old man peon looking at photograph: This is dated 1873 -- a year before Pabst won the ribbon!

Washington, DC

10AM Or the Philadelphia Equivalent

Employee #1: I've never worked in an office building where there are so many plants. It's getting to look like a jungle in here.
Employee #2: I don't care about how it looks. I'm just worried that these plants are going to use up all of our oxygen.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

5PM Amnesty International Says That's Torture, You Know

Employee: Nah, if he asks me for a ride, I ain't giving it to him. I mean, maybe I will and then I'll turn the radio to the Christian station and blast it and say, 'I'm sorry! It's my vehicle!'

Newport News, Virginia

Overheard by: The Temp

11AM They're Always Taking Supplies and, Like, Using Them for Work

New girl: Why is the door to the file room always locked?
Veteran: Because someone might steal something.
New girl: Who all has a key?
Veteran: Everybody.

Columbia University
New York, New York

10AM Whatever Shall We Do?

Woman #1: Does this copier work?
Woman #2: Yes, but it's not turned on. It will take a while to warm up.
Woman #1: I'm in a hurry, so I guess I'll just go to another office and use theirs.
Woman #2: Why don't you just use our other copier?
Woman #1: It's not working.
Woman #2: Really? I just used it last night.
Woman #1, going to copier: See? It says, 'Paper tray empty. Please load paper.'

425 I Street
Washington, DC

2PM Is That the Code of the West?

Coworker: All the hot guys kill people! Well, at least the black ones.

Pecos and Sunset Road
Las Vegas, Nevada

1PM And Certainly Not to France

Lady peon #1: Chipotle's burritos are, like, so good!
Lady peon #2: Yeah, I know. Carol*, have you ever had one?
Carol: Uh, I've never been out of the country...

5813 South Kenwood Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: wow

12PM Faced with an Employee Like This, Voicemail May Be Your Best Option

Worker bee: I don't have his cell phone, but he's always at his desk... Except when he isn't.

4339 Corporate Center Drive
Las Vegas, Nevada

12PM The Kind That Doesn't Ignore the Data

Analyst reviewing error report: Working this report requires critical thinking skills.
Department head: What kind of critical thinking skills?

701 Park Avenue
Minneapolis, Minnesota

2PM Allow Me to Demonstrate

Manager: What motivates you to do your best job possible?
Interviewee: Well, I don't do anything half-assed... Yeah, I like to put my whole ass into everything I do.

1158 Howard Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Kirsten

9AM It's Not Like I Read Anything That Crosses My Desk

Lady peon: I can't believe I wrote 'Happy Birthday' on that card.
Coworker: You did? Did anyone fix it?
Lady peon: They're always passing around cards! How am I supposed to know it's a sympathy card?! Then I go asking when we're going to have cake!

Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts

11AM It's Possible You Won't Believe What You See

Shipping clerk: I have a package here for you.
Asian scientist: What is in the box?
Shipping clerk: I don't know, but it's probably cells, since it says 'dry ice.'
Asian scientist: But what's in the box?
Shipping clerk: Why don't we take it to the lab and open the box?
Asian scientist: Okay, but what's in the box?
American scientist: I think that's the stuff you ordered.
Asian scientist: Oh, yes, okay. But what can possibly be in the box?

Columbus, Ohio

10AM Take Part in This Quick Survey and We Can End This Charade

University phone solicitor: So, did you hear that the College of Letters, Arts, and Sciences has a new dean?!
Guy being solicited: I don't really care.
University phone solicitor: Me neither.

Jefferson and McClintock Avenue
Los Angeles, California

12PM Same Old Story: Boy Meets Girl, Nobody Knows What to Do Next

Mechanic: You smell like sex.
Female coworker: You mean I smell like you want to have sex with me? Or I smell like I just had sex? 'Cause... 'Cause there's a big difference.
Mechanic: Oh, the first one. You smell like I want to have sex with you.
Female coworker: Oh. I want to have sex with you, too.
Mechanic: [Silence.]
Female coworker: ... I mean, you smell. [Walks away with confused look on her face.]

Westchester, New York

Overheard by: He did kind of smell ... like sex.

4PM Of Course You Do

CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?

3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida

Overheard by: George

12PM The Colonies Needed a Big Hancock

Council member: I heard you need my John Doe on something.
Clerk: I need your signature on some documents.
Council member: Yeah, my John Doe.
Clerk, laughing: You mean your John Hancock -- John Doe is an anonymous dead body. [Council member looks puzzled.] John Hancock has the biggest signature on the Declaration of Independence -- that's where the term comes from.
Council member: Oh.

City Hall
San Francisco, California

11AM Yeah, and Scrambling the Data. Nice Work!

Sales rep #1: Here's that spreadsheet. I hid the columns you didn't need so it would fit on one page.
Sales rep #2: How did you do that? I have been cutting and pasting all this time!
Sales rep #1: Cutting and pasting?
Sales rep #2, pulling out three pieces of paper, cut and taped together to make one big spreadsheet: See? I cut and pasted!

Virginia

Overheard by: What!?

1PM Is This Problem Self-Inflicted? Discuss.

Office mate on speakerphone: I need to send my printer back. It isn't working.
CSR for printer company: Okay, I can set up a return shipment and get you a label and address to send yours back. What is your e-mail address, sir? [He relates e-mail address.] Okay, when you get the link on the e-mail I just sent you, print the FedEx label and put it on the box to ship it.
Office mate: Um, well, my printer is broken, which is why I am sending it back...
CSR: I understand that, sir, so what I have done to speed up the process is send you a shipping label all prepared for you to ship the box out.
Office mate: How am I supposed to do that if my printer is broken?!
CSR: Well, you print it up and put it on the box.
Office mate: Okay, when we are done with this, I would like to order an instructional DVD on how to setup my DVD player.
CSR: I'm not following you, sir. I thought your problem was with your printer. We don't have DVD players.
Office mate: Dude, you're killing me! Can I speak to a supervisor, please?

34th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Zoos

10AM Nick Lachey Was in the Bee Gees

40-ish supervisor: You're listening to the Bee Gees? Wasn't Leif Garrett in the Bee Gees?
20-ish employee #1: All I know is that someone in the group committed suicide.
20-ish employee #2: No, Leif Garrett was in the Beatles.

1241 Dyer Road
Santa Ana, California

10AM Listening Is the Critical Skill in Sales

Customer: Do you carry mattresses? [Sales woman looks confused.] Mattresses... Beds... Can you tell me where those are?
Sales woman, pointing at elevators: Oh, yes, right over there.
Customer, speaking slowly: No, I said, 'Where are the mattresses?' The beds... What floor?
Sales woman: Oh, I don't think we carry those. I thought you said 'elevator.'

Department store, Paramus Mall
Nyack, New York

Overheard by: RobynPuff79

12PM They're Considering Sacking Us

Peon: I can't believe they're having us do this even though we're the low men on the scrotum pole!

Times Square
New York, New York

12PM Right from the Start, It's Been a Hard Job

White shirt: Who is in charge of the build here?
Blue shirt: I am in charge of getting it up.
White shirt: Okay, so you're the erection supervisor.

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

10AM Now Are You Ready to Order?

Waitress: I don't want any sauce touching me... Unless it's being licked off of me.

1027 West Horsetooth Road
Fort Collins, Colorado

2PM The Statute of Limitations Has Expired

Truck driver: Back in the old days, Larry* used to take bribes, Larry used to give bribes, Larry ran the company the way it should be run!
Dispatcher: Do you know what you just said?
Truck driver: I know what I just said!

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: extracaffeinated

4PM We Couldn't Even Give Away the Faux Faux-Leather Ones

Make-up counter girl: ... And can I interest you in our free gift?
Customer: Sure! What is it?
Make-up girl: It's a real faux leather bag!

Department store, 34th Street
New York, New York

11AM Afford Homes

Peon #1: Yeah, I got the printer from this place that sells refurbished computers. Homeless people do it.
Peon #2: Ahhh, homeless people. What can't they do?

12 Desbrosses Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: Grace

12PM Like "Chubby" and "Spanky" Were Any Better?

Employee #1, reading newspaper: This guy's name is Poon Tang! I can't believe they printed his name!
Employee #2: Isn't Poon Tang something they said on The Little Rascals?

Knoxville, Tennessee

12PM Uses Perfect Grammar When Speaking to Himself

Employee, after hanging up with client: That was the most stupidest person I have ever spoke to.

44th Street and Camelback Road
Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: Grammatically Offended Boss

11AM Reader Poll: Who's Your Office Kevin?

Receptionist answering phone: XYZ Law Firm*. How can I help you?
Assistant, on the phone: Hey, it's Kevin*. While I'm buying supplies, can I get myself some candy?
Receptionist: No, just get what's on the list.
Assistant: But last time I got candy and everyone liked it.
Receptionist: No, no candy.
Assistant: Okay. Um, about the light bulbs... Did you want me to buy frosted or clear ones?
Receptionist: I don't know. It doesn't matter. Just get the clear.
Assistant: Yeah... Um, no. They don't have any clear.

2223 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona

3PM It's Hard to Believe This Joke Is Still Funny at a Pizza Place

Customer: Is my pizza ready?
Cashier, yelling: Hey! Is this guy's 12-inch out yet?
Manager, laughing: Did you just say that?!
Cashier, blushing: Oh! Oh my god!

Fort Hood, Texas

Overheard by: can I get one of those?

1PM Cheney: I Swear, I Go through This Every Day!

Employee #1: I was just printing that thing you asked for!
Employee #2: This isn't what I asked for.
Employee #1: Yes, it is -- it's hotel information.
Employee #2: It is, but I asked you for information on a meeting.
Employee #1: Okay...
Employee #2: ... And you printed hotel information.
Employee #1: Right.
Employee #2, sighing: Where is the meeting information?
Employee #1: Oh! The meeting! You should have just said that in the first place, silly!
Employee #2: I-- Just forget it.
Employee #1: Okie dokie!

Waltham, Massachusetts

12PM Something Wrong with Your Lap, Buddy?

Old sales associate: Can I help you find something?
Customer: Yeah, where are the TV trays?
Old sales associate: Huh?
Customer: TV trays -- which aisle are they in?
Old sales associate: I don't know what those are.
Customer: The trays you have in front of you while you watch TV. You know, TV trays. People eat on them.
Old sales associate: I don't think we sell those, but you might want to check Electronics.
Customer: Uh, sure.

Omaha, Nebraska

9AM Wherever That Might Be

Dean: I don't think we can be the best in the United States, but I do think we have a shot at being the best in the world.

College Station, Texas

Overheard by: Faith

5PM So Other Than That, Things Are Good?

Counter guy on phone: Where are you? What is that sound? ... Oh! I knew it was a tornado!

Connecticut

11AM I Promise Never to Play My Waterfall CD in the Office Again

HR drone: I apologize for any incontinence this may have caused.

Yonkers, New York

9AM Tell Me How You Know That

Older receptionist: I can't believe they're making such a big fuss over Tom Brady's baby. I mean, you know he's going to be a great dad. He'll pay for everything. That kid is going to be very well-endowed.
Secretary: Uh... Right...

200 Clarendon Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: secretariat

3PM "Janey's Got a Gun"?

Music industry worker: I want to hear that one pretty song about her dad dying.

150 5th Avenue
New York, New York

5PM Don't Get Out Much?

Employee on phone: How's the weather there? Is it sunny?
Speaker: It's raining.
Employee on phone: Oh. So is the sun shining?

Des Moines, Iowa

9AM Pointless Self-Glorification?

Employee emerging from stockroom, singing: Tookie's in the house! Y'all already know what he's about!

Office supply store
New York, New York

Overheard by: NCS

5PM Because I Borrowed It

Secretary to lawyer: Was that your condom they found on the second floor of the parking garage?

Cleveland, Ohio

3PM Maybe Back When We Had a Functioning Democracy They Were

Government employee #1, explaining the organization: Yeah, we do a lot of work with countries in Africa and South America... Countries without functioning democracies...
Government employee #2: But wait -- we've worked with England and Japan, too. It's not just the B-list countries.
Government employee #3: Wait, aren't all countries B-list in relation to the U.S.?

666 11th Street NW
Washington, DC

4PM After Luring and Shooting It

Office lady: I don't understand why he got life in prison. All he did was try to help dispose of the body.

100 West 33rd Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: C-Rizzy

9AM A Concept As Realistic As Pixie Dust

Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?

Atlanta, Georgia

5PM Or, As I Affectionately Call Him, "G Love"

Employee on phone: G as in 'Jesus.'

8604 Cliff Cameron Drive
Charlotte, North Carolina

3PM Not Your Grandmother's CPR

Medical dispatcher giving CPR instructions: Now straddle his lips with your hips...

San Jose, California

Overheard by: firechick

1PM Can I at Least Steal Office Supplies?

Interviewer: Are you comfortable with the salary for this position?
Interviewee: Well, not really, but since I don't currently have a job, I guess it'll have to be okay.

Salt Lake City, Utah

5PM But Let's Send the Troops in Anyway

Office monkey #1: I'm sure it'll be fine.
Office monkey #2: But what if it isn't?
Office monkey #3: Then it won't be.

University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Office monkey #4

1PM I May Have Failed to Grasp Your Point

Office grunt: Well, you know what they say -- when the lion king roars, the cows go running.

Garey Avenue
Pomona, California

4PM Worst. Porno. Ever.

Female phlebotomist to male patient: I hope this is a size 25 needle. [Sticks him] Oh, no! This is a size 22 needle -- it's too small. Blood is rushing into the vein, see? It's blowing up. I'm blowing you! ... Oh my god, I don't mean that!

Medical center
Medford, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Dr. Fred

10AM Well, I Still Miss Serious Newscasters

Peon #1: He's into that pooping and farting stuff now.
Peon #2: Who isn't?!

St. Louis, Missouri

3PM You're Cruisin' for Another Time-Out

Peon, reading: 'The essence of client trust accounting is contained in these three words: Client, trust, accounting.' Really? I would have thought more like, 'Thermometer, Frankenstein, candle.'

Hall of Justice
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Jeffner

2PM The Insult-Comic Dog?

Chipper corporate trainer: You put an extra '-umph' at the end of 'tri-', and what do you get? Triumph!

4635 East Elwood Street
Phoenix, Arizona

1PM With the Bloody Daggers and Vests of Human Hair?

Attorney: Can we file this psychopathically?

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Legal Cube-Dweller

1PM A Reclining One

Female worker: Something about his office seemed very home-like. I think he had a couch in it.
Male worker: It was a lamp.

Hillcroft Street
Houston, Texas

12PM Translation: I Don't Want to Understand Computers

Tech guy: The mouse won't work if it's off.
Coworker: You said reboot! I thought that meant to turn the computer off. I don't understand computers.

Midtown
New York, New York

2PM But Apparently It Was the Best Frat Party of the Year

Worker bee: I was asleep! I don't want to know how they were wiggling things around in my body!

333 South Street
Shrewsbury, Massachusetts

1PM A Good Way to Get People to Stop Sending You E-mail

Worker bee: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna pee on the carpet! I got the e-mail about that 11-thousand-dollar deal! [Stands up up and lifts leg] Psss... Psss... Look at me! I'm the cat! I'm peeing on the carpet!

Nashville, Tennessee

4PM Even More Painful Than It Sounds

Cube dweller #1: What is Gerald* doing?
Cube dweller #2: Re-routing the booter.

250 Main Street
Buffalo, New York

1PM Oh, Hell, Give Me a Buck and We're Good

Clerk trying to price-check produce: Now, how is it you spell cucumber? Is that with a K or a Q?

Supermarket
Biloxi, Mississippi

12PM Only an Atomic Wedgie Can Save Me!

Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!

28 East 28th Street
New York, New York

1PM Creativity? I'm an Engineer

Male coworker: I would take Beyoncé's face, Beyoncé's legs, Beyoncé's arms, Beyoncé's body, and Beyoncé's ass and put them all together to make my dream woman... And I'd name her Beyoncé.

4510 Maplecrest Road
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Overheard by: Bk-Bitch

4PM Aliens: Why Don't They Just Use E-mail?

Stoner coworker training newbie on fax machine: This fax machine, like, never works... But I find it really helpful if you whistle the tune to Close Encounters of the Third Kind while you're faxing... [Newbie stares.] See?! Another fax through!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Sarita

4PM The Architect Insisted the Museum Have a Rumble Seat

Library supervisor: Can you hand me those staplers? I've gotta take them back to those who dwell in the rear.

Library
Columbia, South Carolina

3PM Printers Practice Malicious Compliance

PhD-level analyst: Oh, the copier is printing the whole five hundred pages of that report! I only want the first page! Stop, stop, stop! Why wont it stop?!
Temp: You have to actually press a button. It doesn't work on voice command...

75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine

Overheard by: brian brinegar

2PM I'm Inquiring about Volume, Ass

Customer: How big is the one-pound burrito?
Employee: Um, that'd be one pound, ma'am.

Forrest Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa

2PM The Valedictorian Was a Cinderblock

Ex-Army: I'm dumb as a rock and I still graduated number two in my class.
Ex-Marine: That's the Army for you.

250 South Country Fair Drive
Champaign, Illinois

Overheard by: zundian

2PM Earl Takes Issue with the Gregorian Calendar

Clerk: This form is made out for June 31st, but there isn't any June 31st.
Salesman: Why not? Is this a leap year?

Brunswick, Georgia

Overheard by: Julian Calendar

1PM And Then We Invaded Iraq

Worker bee: I love the smell of gasoline. I'd sniff gasoline all day long, if it wouldn't, you know, kill you.

2000 East El Segundo Boulevard
El Segundo, California

10AM Stupid Hypnotist

Payroll clerk to another: So, whenever anyone says 'payroll,' I stab someone and piss myself!

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Goin' Payroll

4PM Can I Go Home Sick Now?

Advising office applicant to interviewer: Yeah, advisors are worthless.

6001 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Brandy

5PM And, You Know, Agony

Male desk drone, stretching: I'd love one of those medieval torture tables, y'know?
Female coworker: Uh, the rack?
Male desk drone: Yeah! I love stretching.

Hertfordshire
UK

Overheard by: Lorzgrins

12PM Well, Now You're Just Bragging

Defense attorney at deposition: ... And before the accident, about how many times per month were you intimate with your wife?
Plaintiff: Um, probably upper 20s.
Defense attorney, incredulous: Upper 20s?!
Plaintiff: Yeah. My wife is Latin.

9th Street
Sacramento, California

4PM I Think I Have to Go Home Sick

Cube rat playing with promotional sticky ball: When I hold this ball too long my hand starts to smell.

1440 Broadway
New York, New York

12PM Those Are Real?

Account rep: Is this other elevator still broken?
Receptionist: Correct.
Account rep: But, but, isn't that, like, a fire hazard?
Receptionist: Um, see those signs that say 'In case of fire, do not use elevators'?
Account rep: Oh. Right.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: glad she's not a firefighter

9AM Free Will in the Delivery Room

Coworker, about a newborn: Then her husband cut the Biblical cord...

171 17th Street NW
Atlanta, Georgia

4PM Eh, the Whole State Has a Permanent Case of Colony Collapse Disorder

Grunt #1: Oh, man, I need a bagel. I weighed myself this morning and I'm lighter than I should be.
Grunt #2: One thirty-nine?
Grunt #1: Yeah, that's bad... Even for me.
Grunt #3: Carbo-load.
Grunt #2: Put butter and cream cheese on the bagel.
Grunt #1: Oh my god, did you hear about the bees?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: They're dying.
Grunt #3: Oh, yeah, I think it was Einstein that said if the bees die, you know, culture dies...
Grunt #2: Bee culture?
Grunt #1: No, like us -- California culture.
Grunt #3: Performing arts?

1355 Sansome Street
San Francisco, California

3PM God, Will This Freakin' Day Ever End?

Worker bee: So, there are seven categories, and each category has seven sections. Seven times seven is... a lot.

Mercer Street and Fairview Avenue
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: passed 3rd grade math

11AM Nice Work If You Can Get It

HR girl: Have you looked at that guy's resume?
HR guy: Yeah, but I'm a little concerned about his spermatic work history.
HR girl: ... Sporadic?
HR guy: Yeah. My bad.

Terrell, Texas

Overheard by: HR girl 2

1PM And Cool, Sweet Existential Despair

Peon #1: The French are pretentious, but every once in a while they invent something cool.
Peon #2: Yeah, like wife-swapping.

504 Main Street
Colorado

Overheard by: shaine

12PM Why Is Blackwater Security Even Doing a Children's Project?

Employee digging for appropriate giveaway for children's project: Let's see what we got... Oooh, a grenade! Kids love grenades!

Noho
New York, New York

5PM Don't Try -- Just Say "I'm Sorry" and Shake Hands

Associate: I have a hard time crying over dead children.

910 Louisiana Street
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: The Man

12PM Use a Spoon Like Everyone Else

Woman gazing wistfully into yogurt cup: If my tongue was long enough, I'd lick my bottom.

Knoxville, Tennessee

Overheard by: Mark

10AM 16 Years Old Is Legally Too Young to Consent to Dill

Woman to boss: You should absolutely take your daughter to see To Kill a Mockingbird. Unless, of course, you're worried about rape.

Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

2PM He Sent Pictures, See?

Assistant checking weather online: Ohhh! Derek* got 12 inches yesterday!
Cube rat: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Assistant: He got 12 inches!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

11AM But That's Not Important Right Now

Male peon: Oh, I love this song!
Lady peon: Really, what is it?
Male peon: Uh... Music...

178 Middle Street
Portland, Oregon

1PM When Good Deeds Become Career-Limiting

HR clerk: Excuse me, ma'am, but it appears that you have something stuck in your pantyhose on your left leg.
Visiting manager's wife: I'm not wearing pantyhose!

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

10AM The Weighing of the Liver Was My Favorite Part!

Coworker to intern: So, how was the autopsy? Did you have a good time?

Norristown, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Lan

2PM Actually, They All Lived Together...

Employee: The first time it was with my friend-- no, wait, my ex-friend. Then the second time it was with my boyfriend. Then I went over to my other boyfriend's house...

Fast food joint
Durham, North Carolina

2PM Either That or He's Dutch

Cube dweller #1, complaining about printer repair guy: No one can understand what he's saying! He's completely tone deaf!
Cube dweller #2: Well, he's... deaf. He reads lips.
Cube dweller #1: Oh, yeah.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: this isn't american idol

12PM That's Why It's a Little Lopsided in the Back

Receptionist: In my head I get banged all the time!

Côte-des-Neiges Road
Montreal
Canadia

Overheard by: better without context

5PM Before I Order I Want You Both to Wash Your Hands, Okay?

Cube rat to another: ... Or you could try masturbating five times in one day!
Customer, entering moments before: [Clears her throat.]
Cube rats: ... Shit.

NW 39th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back

Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.

562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi

Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore

9AM I Shall Call Them "One" and "Two"

Cube dweller: I'm having two feelings in one day, which is unheard of.

1301 Central Street
Evanston, Illinois

Overheard by: cbn

11AM He Knows the Geography of the Starship Enterprise Perfectly

Tech support guy: So, your city is spelled C-A-M-B-R-I-D-G-E?
Office girl: Yes, that's correct.
Tech support guy: And your state is M-A, for Miami, right?
Office girl: Um, well, yes -- M-A is right...

1033 Mass Avenue
Cambridge, Massachusetts

10AM The Less I Know about Christmas, the Better

Blonde desk assistant: When is Christmas this year?
Editor: Tuesday, I think.
Blonde desk assistant: No, I mean what day? Like, the 25th?
Editor: Um... Yeah. The 25th.
Blonde desk assistant: But I thought that was Christmas Eve! When is Christmas Eve, then? [Editor stares.] Give me a break -- I'm a Jew.

TV station broadcast center
New York, New York

Overheard by: News Bunny

5PM I Mean, I Don't Think So...

Office grunt #1: Hey! So, you're back in the office, eh? Where were you last week?
Office grunt #2: Oh, I was in Guatemala.
Office grunt #1: Really? In Europe?
Office grunt #2: No.

Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Anonymous

11AM I Bet I Can Locate the Dimmest One in the Store

Customer: Could you tell me where the Amaryllis bulbs are?
Clerk #1: Hey, do you know where we keep the bulbs?
Clerk #2: I think they're on Aisle Four -- y'know, with the other electrical stuff.
Clerk #1, to customer: Did you check there? That's where we keep the bulbs.
Customer: No, no, no -- they're flowers! Do you have any?
Clerk #1: Well, I'm pretty sure we've got bulbs. Did you need a three-way one, or a regular one? You should check on Aisle Four, then.

1690 Grande Avenue
Arroyo Grande, California

Overheard by: Blue

10AM Impossible? Cockatoos Taught Mary Hart to Talk

Woman on phone: Raised by dogs?! That's impossible! Isn't it? ... Wait, was it Entertainment Tonight? ... That's impossible!

50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey

Overheard by: Goueznou

12PM I Don't Have a Copy of His Résumé, Either

Applicant: I don't have a copy of my résumé. A dog threw up on my laptop.

Horsham, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: alxie

4PM Why Marijuana Home-Delivery Services So Often Fail

CSR: So, what city in Philadelphia are we doing the pickup?

Everett, Massachusetts

Overheard by: OK, I feel smarter now.

11AM More of a Pamphlet, Really

Tester: I'm reading this book that will teach you all the Italian you'll ever need to visit Canada!

1555 Wilson Boulevard
Arlington, Virginia

12PM Or Until the Ninth Month, in My Case

Preggers peon: You know, people only think you're pregnant for nine months, but it's really ten because you don't know you're pregnant for the first month.

Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: Mic all

10AM And How Much for Illumination?

Sales guy on phone with admin: Is the printer still down? Mm-hmmm. Well, if I needed something printed today, could you, like, hand-print it or something? Mm-hmmm. I see. Okay, thanks.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

12PM I Just Put It in Reverse, Right?

Secretary #1: Has anyone used the shredder this morning?
Secretary #2: No, why?
Secretary #1: I need to get something back that I put in there this morning.

278 Morgan Street
Tonawanda, New York

12PM Why Do You Need To Know?

Sales guy: You know how people talk about the world-wide web? The Internet? How would you spell that? W-E-B?

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

5PM Why Barry Got the Freudian Pink-Slip

Peon: Uh, Jim*, do you have anywhere I can put a floppy dick? ... Uh... Disk?
Jim: Niiice.

Garden City, New York

Overheard by: defragment my hard-drive

10AM ... And Called Out of Work Lucid

Cashier to friend: One morning I woke up sober...

Clothing store
Houston Street
New York, New York

2PM How Bleu Cheese Dressing Was Invented

Cube dweller: The ranch is very weird today. Not weird-bad, but weird-tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. [Later] Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as... gone bad.

11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

3PM Back Up -- Baby Pool Filled with Acid?!

Girl reporter: So he said, 'I hope you people fall into acid!' Who wishes that?
Guy reporter: Wow, intense.
Girl reporter: Yeah. But the logistics -- who fills the baby pool with acid?
Guy reporter: The terminator fell into acid in T2.
Girl reporter: The Riddler... No, the Joker fell into acid.
Guy reporter: He lived though.
Girl reporter: And tried to kill Batman. So, see? People falling into acid works out badly for the rest of us.

500 West Jefferson Street
Monroe, North Carolina

12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person

Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...

Australia

5PM We Don't Allow Any Outside Food or Textbooks in Our Establishment

Employee: Welcome to ABC Theaters*. What can I do for you today?
Collegiate: Do you have a student discount?
Employee: I'm sorry, sir, ABC does not believe in education.

299 Swannanoa River Road
Asheville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Got my GED

4PM Blinded by the Lite Beer

Bearded employee: Man, I think I have beer on my glasses.

Anchorage, Alaska

Overheard by: Laughing Librarian

5PM Maybe I Should Go Amend Her Chart?

Grunt #1: What's wrong with Debbie*?
Grunt #2: Uh, something's wrong with the gonads on her vocal cords.
Grunt #1: You mean 'nodules'?
Grunt #2: Oh, yeah.

Colleyville, Texas

Overheard by: quite amused

10AM Unless, of Course, You Don't Own a Dog

English teacher: Nice shirt.
Manager: Tell me about it... It's laundry day.
Italian teacher: Oh god, I hate laundry day. I always run out of underwear and have to wear nothing under my skirt. I'm terrified that the dog will stick his face up my vagina... You know, literally.
Manager: Yeah, I don't think there is a way to mean that in a non-literal sense.

434 Peixoto Gomide
São Paulo
Brazil

Overheard by: English Teacher #2

5PM At Least, Not Here

Customer: ... But the sign outside says it's $1.99.
Cashier: That's the meat and potato burrito. You ordered chicken. That's not meat.

301 Water Street
Eau Claire, Wisconsin

5PM I Don't Get Indoors Much

Man: Is that meeting here on the tenth floor?
Woman: No, it's on the eleventh floor.
Man: Okay. Is that one floor up?

2775 Laurel Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia

12PM Isn't Your Girlfriend Miss Potato Head?

Man: So, I told my girlfriend that if I fuck a midget it is not considered cheating.
Coworker: What? Yes, it is!
Man: No, it isn't. They aren't real people.

Presque Isle, Maine

Overheard by: wtf kind of place is this?

11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair

Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.

Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: get back to work!

4PM This Whole Reproduction Thing Is a Mystery to Me

Male coworker in all-male meeting: I don't know where Jill* is. She is pregnant. Maybe she's palpitating.

Spartanburg, South Carolina

Overheard by: Grammatically Stunned

4PM Newton's Last Law

Office peon: No matter how many pairs of underwear you have, if you don't do your laundry, eventually you will run out.

501 Jackson Street
Topeka, Kansas

Overheard by: Laughing at everyone

2PM Until My Bicycle Seat Fell Off

Office grunt: I never realized how hard metal was.

2201 Main Street
Williamsville, New York

3PM Ideas Need to Be Kept Isolated from Each Other

Ad rep running to office for Post-Its: I need my stickies, I need my stickies, I need my stickies! I get nervous without my stickies...

Texas

Overheard by: it's a good thing she's pretty

10AM Pick Up! I Know You're There!

Coworker on cell when it starts ringing: Oh, crap. I think I just called myself.

Rockville, Maryland

5PM I'm Deeply Ambivalent about the Constitution

Employee, about jury duty: I figure if they're in court, they're guilty of something, or why would they be there?

323 East Grand River Avenue
Howell, Michigan

Overheard by: Dunder Mifflin

4PM Should Be Tattooed on Your Inner Thigh

Sales guy to customer: Can I have your date of birth and expiration date?

University of North Texas
Denton, Texas

Overheard by: Nikki

4PM Of Course, That's Just a Projection

Office peon: Dammit, I couldn't get this done... even if I did work.

Arizona

4PM Well Said, Mr. Secretary!

Office grunt: This water is so cold. It's like liquid ice.

1401 Constitution Avenue NE
Washington, DC

12PM A Series of Humiliating Tests Ensued

Customer: I want to return this breast pump. It doesn't work.
Manager: What's wrong with it?
Customer: It doesn't suck!

Store
Fort Worth, Texas

11AM Right Near Where They Have the Running of the Frogs?

New art director: This product line is called Madrid, right?
Creative director: Yes.
New art director: So why do you want me to look for images of the south of France?
Creative director: Isn't Madrid on the coast of France?

325 Model Farm Road
High Point, North Carolina

Overheard by: I could find that on a map

4PM What Kind of Mushroom Omelette Was That?

Accountant: I don't know which color is green, but one color is green, and one color is white.
Office girl: What about red?
Accountant: I'm not so sure.

1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona

5PM I'm Too Ashamed

Cashier: Oh, I'm sorry, it says your funds are insignificant. Maybe you should call your bank?

917 East Broadway
Tempe, Arizona

12PM It's Always in the Last Place You Look

Pregnant teen cashier: Where is my prostate?
Coworker: Uhhh...

South Carolina

1PM What Happens When Word-of-the-Day Calendars Don't Include Definitions

Cube dweller: Well, you don't want to be ambiguous in your genocide.

31355 Oak Crest Drive
Westlake Village, California

3PM You're the Scaliest, Stinkiest Boss I've Ever Had

Executive assistant: I think I touch and smell just about everything.

141 River's Edge Drive
Traverse City, Michigan

Overheard by: Another Assistant

10AM Hello? My Daughter!

Employee #1: It's spelled S as in 'Shoenique...'
Employee #2: Huh?

Denver, Colorado

5PM Good Point -- You Play It As It Lays

Man describing adoption of Chinese kid: .. And eventually you get a baby's photo and a medical history...
Hick female photographer: But let me ask you, what do you do if she's ugly?
Man: ... What did your parents do?

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

11AM Donald Trump: You're Fired

QA agent: Can you remind the agents to put their comments in apprentices?
Team leader: In what?
QA agent: Apprentices. You know, the bracket things.
Team leader: Uhhh... Yeah, sure.

4 Mangrove Way
Montego Bay
Jamaica

Overheard by: Not an apprentice

9AM And the Surgical Interventions

Client: I can't wait to get back to my car!
Hair stylist #1: Why your car?
Client: So I can take my bra off!
Hair stylist #2: Girl, my boobs will never sag, 'cause I'm a hairdresser!
Hair stylist #1: Huh?
Hair stylist #2: It's all the blow drying!

West End
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: wondering if my boobs will sag

3PM Treebeard Calls an Entmoot to Resolve the Issue

Employee #1: So, should I make the hotel arrangements, or should you? Or should I, or what should we do?
Employee #2: Oh, I don't know... Maybe if I do it... Or you could do it, that would be fine.

Michigan

11AM You've Got Your Problems, I've Got Mine

Sales rep: Can you tell me why we have been behind on the uploading lately?
Tech girl: Yeah, that's because we don't have enough manhood right now.

El Monte, California

Overheard by: Cooly

10AM And I Am Speaking to You Over the PA

Announcement over PA after lights go out: Attention everyone -- the lights are off.

Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia

9AM Yo Quiero Matarle

Redneck employee: So, what do you call a quesadilla?
Latina employee: Quesadilla.
Redneck employee: Really? Just 'quesadilla'?
Latina employee: [Silence.]
Redneck employee: How do you say 'salt'?
Latina employee: [Walks away.]

1720 Indian Trail Lilburn Road
Norcross, Georgia

2PM Why the Office Blowtorch Was Retired

Phone rep: If I were my eyebrows where would I be?

915 Broadway
New York, New York

2PM So How Many Can I Put You Down For?

Coworker to customer: That's what nipple rings are for.

Minneapolis, Minnesota

9AM But First Text Me to Let Me Know It's an Important Call

Marketing guy: Why haven't you kept me up to date on this account?
Ops guy: I've CC-ed you on every email I sent to them.
Marketing guy: I don't have time to read my emails. There's too much information in them. If you send me an important email give me a call to let me know I need to check it.

1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Septimus

12PM Just the Sort of Argument a Hair Lawyer Would Make

Hair stylist: What do you do for a living? You look like a lawyer.
Customer: Actually, I'm a doctor.
Hair stylist: Well, that's a kind of a lawyer.

Cloverdale Plaza
Winston-Salem, North Carolina

9AM At the Revisionist Bible Thumpers of America Meeting

Maintenance guy: It says you shouldn't sleep with your dog... or your brother.

Route 447
Canadensis, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Mistro

4PM Everybody's Founding Fathers Drink the Blood of the Living

Vet tech #1: Aren't there a lot of castles in Pennsylvania? I was watching a show on TV about all the castles there.
Vet tech #2: I think you're thinking of Transylvania.

North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: pooper scooper

4PM They're Good Mostly for Office Supplies

Guy on phone waiting for other end to pick up: If I'm going to get caught embezzling, it's not going to be at a nonprofit-- [other end picks up] --Hi, Deborah*!

San Francisco, California

11AM Actually, It Was Just a Dry Run

Lady #1: Where were you yesterday?
Lady #2: I was at my mother's cousin's funeral.
Lady #1: Why, did she die?
Lady #2: Yes.

Raanana
Israel

Overheard by: Shy One

10AM That Would Fit with All of My Other Answers

Employee #1: What are you doing?
Employee #2: A crossword. What's the capital of Maine? Is it Rhode Island?

Lombard and Buchanan Street
San Francisco, California

5PM Or a Q as in Cuba?

Phone rep: Can I get your name?
Customer: [Mumbles.]
Phone rep: I don't think I got that. Did that start with a 'K'... as in 'cat'?

Austin, Texas

11AM Serves You Right for Faxing to People You Can Talk To

Employee #1 calling from adjacent building: Hey, you guys are using the wrong kind of paper in the fax machine.
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: You're using the wrong paper in the fax machine. Our faxes are coming out all smeary over here.
Employee #2: Oh, okay. Sorry.

Kramer Drive
Gibsonia, Pennsylvania

4PM I Should Be in the Ladies' Room Getting Ready for My Date with the CEO

Loud lady on cell: [Supervisor] called this morning to see if I was coming in. What does he care? I had a meeting this morning with him and Sam*. What were they going to do, ask me why I haven't been performing well? Did they want me to say I've asked to be transferred more than once because I've been sleeping with my supervisor and he won't stop harassing me? You know, I probably shouldn't be talking about this right in front of my office.

371 Hoes Lane
Piscataway, New Jersey

Overheard by: Justtryingtohaveacigarette

12PM Get Your Tail Out of My Coffee!

Cube rat: You know, every time I eat something tiny like a nut or a seed I feel like a monkey.

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: mego

2PM Hers and Her Husband's

Waitress #1: My sister is in the hospital because she just had her second liver transplant.
Waitress #2: Oh my god! Both of them?!
Waitress #1: Both of whats?
Waitress #2: Both of her livers?!
Waitress #1, turning to manager guy: Do you want to tell her, or should I?

McHenry, Illinois

Overheard by: Thank God I'm Me

4PM But It Feels So Right

Girl recording office voicemail: If you know the person you are wishing to enter... Shit, that's not right.

Jubilee Road
Muncy, Pennsylvania

3PM It Was the 'Let's All Go to the Lobby' Promo

Lady peon: Oh my god, last night I saw the most confusingest movie ever.

Barnie's Coffee and Tea
Jupiter, Florida

Overheard by: Bored Coffee Girl

1PM This Just In: Jerry Falwell and Jerry Garcia -- Separated at Birth

Cube rat #1 reading email: Is... Jason Smith* kin to Jason Ellis*?
Cube rat #2, in coddling tone: [Sigh] Just because their first names are the same doesn't mean they are related.
Cube rat #1: Oh, okay.

England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

1PM Ironically, During the Actual Nuclear War He Handled Himself Fine

ERT member: Sir, you need to exit the building for the evacuation drill.
Employee re-entering building: I'm emotionally distraught. I can't participate.

Midwest

10AM Oh, Wait! Was He That Guy in Bill and Ted?

History major associate: That little dude is such a jerk! He's got a major Napoleon complex going on.
Blonde assistant manager: Really? But he doesn't have a big nose or curly hair or glasses...
History major associate: What? Not Napoleon Dynamite! Napoleon Bonaparte!
Blonde assistant manager: Oh. I don't know then, I don't watch the news.

Overpriced soap store
Buffalo, New York

Overheard by: she's our assistant manager

5PM Oh, Hell, I'm Smoking Right Now

Employee #1: Do you smoke?
Employee #2: I don't. Um, I try not to. Well, I did yesterday.

171 Nepean Street
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: chain

2PM The Long-Term Effects of Excessive Childhood Prank Calling

New legal secretary: Excuse me, is it Miss D. Meanor or Miss Demeanor?
Solicitor: You cannot be that stupid...

Plymouth
United Kingdom

1PM Could You Be Any Less Supportive?

Blonde in scrubs: When people around me are sick and won't stay home I'm not coming to work.
Redhead in scrub: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: I hate having sick people around me.
Redhead in scrubs: You are a nurse.
Blonde in scrubs: If a person is sick they should stay at home.
Redhead in scrubs: This is a hospital.

1100 Marshall Street
Little Rock, Arkansas

11AM Which Is Probably Why All My Blowfish Keep Dying

Disgruntled employee: I like my rage. I hold it close, like a really scratchy blanket. Or a blowfish.

Wausau, Wisconsin

12PM The Unauthorized Biography

Bookstore clerk: Hehe, there's a book called The Idiot?

Barnes & Noble
Emeryville, California

5PM Two in the Skull

Worker: Didn't the doctor say that you have to lose weight because it was pressing down on your diaphragm and giving you breathing problems?
A/P drone: Men have diaphragms?

Century City, California

Overheard by: Squelch

10AM But Possibly a Can of Soup

Cashier: Wow, you're pregnant!
Customer: Yep, that's what they tell me.
Cashier: Well, it looks like you're having a boy... or a girl. Definitely a boy or a girl.
Customer: Uh...

Grocery store
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Ryan

4PM Well, Great, Glad You're Right on Top of This

Blonde receptionist: Do you have any Krazy Glue?
Paralegal: I don't think so. Why?
Blonde receptionist: My tooth fell out.
Paralegal: I think you need to see a dentist.
Blonde receptionist: No, my teeth are always falling out and I just Krazy Glue them back in.
Paralegal: Krazy Glue? Maybe that's why you've been getting all those headaches...
Blonde receptionist: No, that's because I quit smoking back in February.

Law office
Great Neck, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

3PM Joseph K Had a Difficult First Day at Castle College

Student: Hi! I need to get a list of course requirements so I can fill out this form, please.
Receptionist: Okay, we'll just need a copy of the form first.
Student: But I need the requirements to fill out the form...
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't work in hypotheticals.
Student: Um... okay... What was it in the past?
Receptionist: We don't file them that way. We'll need a copy of the form.
Student: So you need this form filled out so you can give me the list that I need to fill out the form?
Receptionist: Yes!

Dunster Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts

12PM I Suppose Such a Thing Is Possible, but Why?

Customer: I'd like a double hamburger.
McGenius: Is that like a double cheeseburger without cheese?

McDonald's
Bucksport, Maine

Overheard by: Mr. E. Meat

11AM The Problem with Pre-Programmed Social Banalities

Telephone salesperson: May I please speak to Eric Smith*?
Receptionist: He doesn't work here any more, can I take a message?
Telephone salesperson: No, that's okay, I'll call him back.

1270 Broadway
New York, New York

Overheard by: Brian

5PM How Instant Messaging Works