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12PM And Location Independent!
Employee on phone: I was just calling to confirm that we can show your house all this weekend. I know you don't usually show on Saturdays, but since you'll be out of town for the weekend, can we show on Saturday also?
Eccentric homeowner: Oh, no! The Sabbath is for eternity!
Real estate office
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: K the Amazing Receptionist
3PM Unless He's in a Small, Enclosed Space -- That's Where He Does His Suicide and His Hurting
Grunt on phone: I have claustrophobia and am not suicidal. I am not going to hurt anybody.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
2PM I Wondered Why They'd Told Me to Use the Back Door
Casting assistant: I knew it was already dirty, but I was half way in and it was too late to turn back.
336 West 17th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: cubicle neighboor
10AM Though I'm Not Sure Why We Need Giant Paperclips
Female peon: Personally, I can handle four inches without a problem. Doesn't bother me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
3PM But They Said the Panties Are Yours
Employee to coworker wearing under-armor shirt: Lou*, Bally's called. They want their shirt back until you can bench press at least 45 pounds.
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
Overheard by: Maureen
4PM Don't Worry, Gretel, We'll Just Follow the Smell Back Home
Cube rat: Well, change your diaper and move on. That's what I always say.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM When Gay Men Write Action Movie Scripts
Library worker to another: His hair was his Achilles' heel.
441 East Fordham Road, Fordham University's Walsh Library
Bronx, New York
Overheard by: Krisztina
11AM Wait 'til He Discusses "Rectifying" the Situation
Presenter, during company-wide meeting: As this slide demonstrates, the company did it in arrears. [Giggling from the back, and presenter sighs.] Yes, your mom and I did it in arrears. Moving on...
Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Christin
1PM Or Give Us Little Cuts with Value Rewards Cards
Cashier: Do you have a value rewards card?
Girl: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for a value rewards card?
Girl: No, thank you.
Cashier: Sorry, we have to ask or they take us out back and beat us.
Pentagon City Mall
Arlington, Virginia
5PM Lime Green Stretch Pants
Male employee to female employee: It's like you're stuck in a really bad version of The Devil Wears Prada, except this time the devil wears Lane Bryant stretch pants...
75 Hawthorne Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: At Least I Wear H&M...
1PM What Smoke-Free Non-Coffee-Drinkers Do on Work Breaks
Reporter to another on deadline day: Hey, you wanna go kick each other in the balls and forget it's Thursday?
81st Street and Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: I don't have balls, but I know the feeling
2PM ... And the Priest Pronounced Us Man and Wife
Excited employee to boss: ... And then I punched the raccoon...
Lumber yard office
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: Michael
5PM Whatever For?
Trainer: My wife collects bolts of fabric and weaponry... I collect books, DVDs, and Black Plague memorabilia...
Attendee: Ummm, I collect coins...
Redmond, Washington
Overheard by: Bored in Training
3PM Why Grant Took Richmond, but Then Gave It Back
Worker bee: Oh, this is an ear. I thought it was something else.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: usual suspect
2PM That, and the Floral Mumus
Lady peon looking at clothing ad from '70s: The sad thing is, how many people in this died from AIDS?
6000 Southport Road
Portage, Indiana
Overheard by: Justin Russo
11AM I Look Forward to Your Sermon This Sunday
UPS guy: Wow. Don't you look fancy today!
Man in office: Nah, these are actually my stripping clothes.
UPS guy: Oh, really? The ladies must love that.
Man in office: Yeah, they have a Velcro crotch. It's pretty awesome.
UPS guy: Whelp, see you later.
1160 Pioneer Road
Salt Lake City, Utah
1PM I Don't Know Why I Married Him in the First Place
Accounting clerk: I like this vibrator, but he won't stand up straight.
Mebane, North Carolina
Overheard by: Making accounting more fun
3PM It Helps That He's a Golden Retriever
Lady peon: I really want to fuck him, but I can't. I'm trying to be monogamous in my non-relationship relationship.
Club restroom
Anchorage, Alaska
4PM Out of What?
Junior art director: I have 44 minutes to make a baby.
303 East Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: wha?
2PM So Why Has It Made Britney So Miserable?
Sweet-natured office chick: I'm starting to realize I'm just a selfish little bitch, and now I'm much, much happier!
Centre Street
New York, New York
10AM Like You Haven't Wondered What Happened to Her?
Worker bee: Is that Phylicia Rashad on top of our tree?
Fairfax, Virginia
9AM Until I Woke Up Topless on the Jungle Gym with the Kids Staring at Me
Assistant, about the company holiday party: Shit, I didn't even know where I was! I had the best time!
Beverly Boulevard and Fairfax Avenue
West Hollywood, California
3PM It's More Humane to Act Like a Jerk Until They Break Up with Me
Dispatcher, deciding whether to continue an affair: I'm not very good at, like, breaking hearts, y'know?
Seattle, Washington
10AM Chewbacca's Agent Finally Snaps
Worker bee: Your poor interpersonal communication skills are not my fault. They are my problem, because I have to deal with you, but they are not my fault.
519 Westport Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: DeadEyeDusty
3PM I'm Pretty Sure That's Illegal in Utah
Experienced stock broker: It's not a butterfly spread, it's a condor spread. Although, I'm not sure why it's called that -- the eagle is a more common big bird, so it should be an eagle sprea-- Oh.
Salt Lake City, Utah
9AM And I Was Too Busy Listening to the Voices to Really Watch It
Peon: I've never seen a real-life fire before... Except for the one I started when I was in college.
40th Street and 8th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whatever
2PM If It's on Wiki, It Has to Be True
Lead animator: Did you know Thomas Edison's last creation was a wax phonograph cylinder rendered from his own fat?
Las Cruces, New Mexico
2PM Where's Your Mommy, Anyway?
Grunt: I'm sorry. You're going to have to beat your head against the wall somewhere else. I have to get on a conference call now.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: I know how you feel
1PM If It's Not in My Day-Timer, It's Not Gonna Happen
Employee #1: I have an emergency at two PM.
Employee #2: That's a very scheduled emergency.
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Congratulations: You've Got the Job!
Peon #1: You know what I can't wait to do?
Peon #2: Let me guess -- dip, masturbate, take a shit.
Peon #1: And...?
Peon #2: Drink?
Peon #1: So you are listening.
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: anon
12PM Cathedral Bell Towers, Not So Much
Peon: Ever since I saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame, I've always had a fondness for gypsy women.
1250 Library Street
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Daniel Gillies
10AM Probably Ran Right to His Therapist with That One
20-ish office girl: I am so mad at him! I sent him a Christmas card, but I did not write a note in it.
8th Street
Des Moines, Iowa
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
11AM Even If It Is Part of My Job Description
Woman exiting man's office: Give 'em a copy of your contract -- I don't care. I have better things to do than sit here and jerk myself off.
498 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: I care
5PM Who Are You?
Peon: I'm not sure if everyone's aware, but I have taken the time to name people's tummies in the In-house Department.
Wilmington, Delaware
12PM Except for Michael Jackson
Lady peon with eye patch: Yeah... Once you go black, you never go back.
45th Avenue and Vermont Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: WOW
9AM Since Prison, Martha Stewart Has Become Increasingly Volatile
Cube rat: Hell, we were finding underwear on top of the refrigerator for two weeks.
400 N 5th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: AndyDan
3PM Then They Threw Up and Passed Out
Cube dweller: Yeah, she was having a lot of trouble with the Russians -- they just seemed to get too aggressive.
Chula Vista, California
Overheard by: Amy F.
1PM One of the More Confusing Motivational Speakers
Grunt: Why the hell should I care if some stupid Egyptian thinks I look like a ragamuffin?
Sutter Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Front Desk
5PM At the Science Friction Convention
Announcement over PA: If anyone has taken Maureen's* K-Y Jelly, please return it immediately.
W 66th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: wondering why its needed
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
10AM Order You to Clean It Up
Employee to boss: So, what do you do when a kid pisses on the sales floor?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't know either
5PM I'd Fix It Myself, but I'm Heading Out Soon
Young drone: Do you realize that everything you print has the heading 'Dead' on it?
Old drone: I wish they'd change that.
441 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
4PM Okay, Everybody Charge Things to This Dude!
Cashier: ... And do you have your Hudson's Bay credit card with you today?
Gangster #1: My what?
Cashier: HBC credit card. It's gold.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man. I think so. Uhhh... Is this it?
Cashier: No, that's your MasterCard. I'm looking for the HBC card, if you have it.
Gangster #1: Oh, yeah, man, HBC! They always be sendin' me bills in the mail and shit, you know, and I don't even know why!
Gangster #2: Dude, that's HSBC. That's the bank.
Gangster #1: Oh.
Gangster #2: You don't even know the difference, do you?
Gangster #1: Not really. So, like, one has an S and one doesn't have an S, right? Is that it?
Gangster #2: No, it's completely different.
Gangster #1: Well, so what, man? I still gotta pay the bills whether it has an S or whether it don't have an S, right?
Zellers Lansdowne Mall
Richmond, British Columbia
Canadia
3PM Lube and Oil Change?
Voice on PA: Can we get a customer service in the women's room?
Safeway
Gilroy, California
Overheard by: mind in the gutter
5PM Loves Burping the Air Out
Dude: Why you goin' to a tupperware party? You're a grown-ass man, dawg!
10 Coventry Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: supremo
4PM At the Sal Monella Country Inn
Waitress: And so the guy from the health department says we have, like, one day to get this shit cleaned up or he is shutting us down. Oh my god, he's right! Look at all this crap in the bottom of the ice... [As two customers walk in] Oh, hello. Two for dinner?
Diner
Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
1PM Help, There Are Trammps in Our Refrigerator!
Employee #1: Now, where did 'Disco Inferno' come from?
Employee #2: Not me! It's not on my iPod!
Employee #1: I think it came from the refrigerator!
Employee #2: Oh really?
Employee #1: No, this is serious! You're not the one with 'Disco Inferno' stuck in your head!
Chevy Chase
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: kitchen watcher
12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer's cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers...