2PM Better Throw in the Bone, Too

Customer: I'll take this sushi and the spicy chicken with brown rice.
Girl at counter: Do you want dark meat or sub with all natural chicken breast?
Customer: I don't know -- it's not for me, it's for a coworker.
Girl at counter: Is it a guy or a girl?
Customer: A guy.
Girl at counter: Just get the dark chicken. He'll never tell the difference.
Customer: He's gay.
Girl at counter: Oh. Then get the white meat.

1303 South Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Pracca

5PM He Was Quickly Eliminated from The Price Is Right

Customer: Do you have seven-packs of nuggets?
Cashier: We have eight or twelve.
Customer: Oh, wonderful. I'll take twelve.

Orange City, Florida

Overheard by: laughing

2PM He's Had the Crisis Penciled in for Years

Bar patron #1: You gonna have another drink?
Bar patron #2: No, I gotta get home before mid-life.

36th Avenue and Arctic Boulevard
Anchorage, Alaska

Overheard by: thinking it was already too late

9AM Might Be Best to Start with the Sunday Through Friday Ones

Caller: I need to know about courses on Saturday.
Bored operator: Which center would you like to go through to?
Caller: Yes, uh, Saturday courses. Nine o'clock 'til five o'clock.
Bored operator: Okay, which department?
Caller: Saturday -- S-A-T--
Bored operator: --Which center? Clapham, Vauxhall, Brixton?
Caller: Uh, no, I want to know about Saturday courses. Saturday courses!
Bored operator: Do you have a contact name? ... I'll just put you through to someone, then. Bye!

College
London
England

4PM I'd Like to Buy a New Policy, and Then Cancel It

Customer: Why did my policy cancel?
Secretary: For non-payment, sir.
Customer: But I never got a bill.
Secretary: You mean, the one you handed me when you walked in with a due date of January 30th*?
Customer: Yes, that bill.
Secretary: It wouldn't have canceled if you had paid this bill, sir.
Customer: Well, I'm not going to renew that policy, then...
Secretary: There is nothing to renew, sir -- it canceled for non-payment!

977 Yadkinville Road
Mocksville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Karen

4PM No Dumber Than Casting Jamie Lee Curtis As a Young Mother

Customer #1: Do you have Freaky Friday?
Clerk: Yes, we have it on DVD and VHS for rental only.
Customer #1: Okay, I'll take one to buy.
Clerk: We only have it to rent.
Customer #1: Where is the one for sale?
Clerk: We only have it to rent. There are none for sale for that title.
Customer #1: Well, you should have said something in the first place!
Customer #2: Wow... You are really that dumb, huh?

Video store
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Dudette

11AM Mom: I'm pretty worn out, actually.

Homeboy customer: Yo, gots any mothafuckin' shelves?
Employee: Did he just say what I thought he said? [Coworker nods.]
Homeboy customer: Yo, man! I said, I need some mothafuckin' shelves fo' my mothafuckin' clothes!
Employee, pointing: Yeah, right down that mothafuckin' aisle.

Home repair store
Whitehall, Pennsylvania

4PM Kids Do the Darndest Things, Huh?

Customer, excitedly: Yeah, if I do exactly as the judge says, I'll be off of probation in a year!
Old cashier: In a year? Lucky you! My son has four years of probation.
Customer: Four years? Man, that's tough. What did he do?
Old cashier: He shot someone! [Breaks into hysterical laughter along with the customer.]

South Adams Street
Marion, Indiana

Overheard by: Just wanted to pay for my groceries

12PM Reader Poll: Would You Climb Under Your Desk for Your Favorite Pen?

Client: She said she was looking for a pen.
Attorney: And the pen was under her desk?
Client: Yes, and she's a pack rat, and everything in the world is under her desk...
Attorney: And she got stuck that way?
Client: Yes, and we had to call security so they could drag her out by her ankles...
Attorney: I hope that was a really nice pen.

Kern County Superior Court
Bakersfield, California

Overheard by: Frazzled lawyer

3PM But I Still Could Only Get Half-way In

Mechanic: Did you put lube in it?
Customer: I put all the lube in she would take.

1301 Highway 501 East
Conway, South Carolina

12PM In Their Day, They Were a Hot Couple

Elderly female customer: I do miss my husband, you know? I had to have him cremated after he fell out of bed.

London
England

Overheard by: Badger

11AM Were You Planning to Come Back for Your Baby, Then?

Beer store employee: Can I help you to your car with that?
Middle-aged customer: I'm a woman. I gave birth. I can carry a case of beer.

Verona, Pennsylvania

12PM And Location Independent!

Employee on phone: I was just calling to confirm that we can show your house all this weekend. I know you don't usually show on Saturdays, but since you'll be out of town for the weekend, can we show on Saturday also?
Eccentric homeowner: Oh, no! The Sabbath is for eternity!

Real estate office
Annapolis, Maryland

Overheard by: K the Amazing Receptionist

2PM Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Bright Orange

Customer #1: So, is Gary* out yet?
Customer #2: Oh, no -- his sentencing isn't until Tuesday.
Customer #1: Oh, okay. How's Colleen* handling it?
Customer #2: Well, they are going to get married before then, so I guess great.

Ketchikan, Alaska

2PM I Was Going to Go with Your Competitors, but You're Clearly My Kind of People

Office guy spatting while office girl: You slap like my mom.
Office girl: [Laughs.]
Client on speakerphone with office supervisor who's frantically hushing employees: I think the guy in the background just said he slept with his mom.

Ringwood, New Jersey

Overheard by: cps

1PM Mama Was Later Arrested for Adulterating Cocktails

Lady: I'd like a Bahama Mama.
Waitress: Alright.
Lady: And make sure to tell the bartender that I'd like it with extra Mama.
Waitress: No problem, ma'am. A Bahama Mama with extra Mama. I'll tell him.

Lansdale, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: fed up

11AM Then I Want You to Stay on the Phone with Me 'til He Gets Here

Customer: Can you tell me if the installer is running on time today?
CSR: I have no way of knowing that, sir. Your appointment is scheduled between twelve and four today. If the installer is not there by four, then you can call back and we can tell you that he is running late.

Enfield, Connecticut

2PM At the Bad Pick-Up Line Quarterfinals

Client: There are a lot of things you can eat that aren't food.

Photo studio
Culver City, California

9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair

Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?

810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington

3PM And I'd Like the Singing Version of All Three

Resident: What brings you here today?
Patient waiting for mammogram, pap smear, and colonoscopy: I'm here for a mammogram, a twat-o-gram, and an ass-o-gram.

Hospital, 1000 Blythe Boulevard
Charlotte, North Carolina

5PM Now I Just Sit on Mine

Old woman at check-in desk: I used to have a lot more sex when I was younger... There weren't any TVs back then.

Main Street
Wolfville, Nova Scotia
Canadia

12PM I Never Should've Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet

Employee: Hi, can I help you?

Customer's cell rings.

Customer: Hold on a sec... [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you... Why? 'Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off 'cause he doesn't know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh...
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?

1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York

Overheard by: i hate customers...

10AM By the Way, the Papillomas Are Lovely This Season

Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a climbing plant, but I'm not sure what it's called. It sounds like 'clem'-something, or 'clam'-something?
Employee: Right... Ah, 'chlamydia'?
Customer: Um... No, that's--
Employee, yelling over the crowd: Hey, Linda*, I have a customer looking for chlamydia. Do we have that?
Linda: That's a venereal disease -- she probably wants 'clematis.'
Employee: Hey, she left!

Farmstand on Route 2
Lincoln, Massachusetts

Overheard by: petunias for me, thanks

10AM And She Keeps Track of What STDs I Have

Customer, running: What aisle are your condoms in?
Cashier: Oh, um... aisle seven.
Customer: Thanks! Quick, quick, I've got the girl in the cab!
20-something guy behind him: Oooh, picked up a girl in the bar, eh? What's her name?
Customer: Don't know -- all I know is my wife is in Seattle.

Walgreens, 4th Avenue
Brooklyn, New York

Overheard by: Other Cashier

3PM A Whacking Good Reason

Female customer #1: They have lotion in the women's bathroom that is phenomenal.
Female customer #2: There was a line for the women's room, so the owner let me use the men's room when nobody was in it. They didn't have any lotion in there.
Man: There's probably a good reason for that.

3520 Erie Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Please tell me you washed your hands

12PM You Have to Keep Your Pinky Extended

Customer: I have not ordered this product.
Service person: But we have a contract that you have signed.
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: I'm sorry?
Customer: How do you think it feels if I rape you in your ass every month?
Service person: Would you do it like a gentleman?

Potsdam, Germany

3PM C'mon, I'll Drive You Over to It

Employee: I can take you right to the landscaping section. Let's take the elevator here.
Customer: Boy, you really like to pamper these fat-assed people, huh. You know Texas is one of the fattest states in the nation? Don't you have stairs?
Employee: We have an escalator.

1217 W State Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas

2PM And I Can Start Drinking Overtime

Man, buying lottery ticket in liquor store: If I win this, the old lady can cut back to part time.

725 W. Golf Road
Hoffman Estates, Illinois

Overheard by: I didn't win either

5PM She'll Regurgitate it into Your Mouth for You, Like a Mother Bird

Customer: Do you have a bottle of coke?
Waitress: No.
Customer: What do you have?
Waitress: Coke.

Corper's Lodge
Okobo, Akwa Ibom, Nigeria

4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up

Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.

Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe

9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees

Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...

Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia

10AM She'll Hook It Up to Her Comptroller and Moniker

Receptionist: She's not here, would you like to leave her a note?
Client: I'll just send her an email, does she have a blueberry?

Stanford, CA

1PM And What Could I Cover It With?

Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.

IKEA
Costa Mesa, California

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

1PM No, You've Just Got Those Little Wings on Your Lapel

Customer: By chance, was your mom a flight attendant?
Employee: Why, do you think you're my dad?

Costa Mesa, California

Overheard by: Still laughing now

10AM She Found Ways to Entertain Herself on Her Last Day at Work

Customer #1: Does the brownie pie have nuts on it?
Waitress: No.
Customer #2: Why do you want to know if it has nuts on it?
Customer #1: Because I don't like nuts on my dessert.
Waitress: Do you like nuts on your chin?

Parkland Plaza
Cayce, South Carolina

Overheard by: Trying not to choke

12PM But on That Note, What's Your Availability?

Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.

Columbia, Maryland

Overheard by: party rental stores are no party

3PM We Only Sell Information Here

Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]

Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Doctor Whom

10AM One-Handed, Too

Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn't.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can't shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, "I don't write smut on demand!" But I write very good smut.

800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Easily Entertained

9AM Fool! The Customer Is Always Right!

Customer: Hello, Phyllis, how are you today?
Worker: I'm not Phyllis, I'm Kay.
Customer: Your name tag says Phyllis.
Worker: No, it doesn't. It says Kay, see? P-H-Y... oops!... wrong name tag.

Westmoreland Mall
Greensburg, Pennsylvania

4PM Unless You Have an 11?

Woman: I take an exact size 9.
Salesgirl: We only have an 8 and a 10.
Woman: I'll take the 10.

Niagara-on-the-Lake
Ontario, Canada

Overheard by: bored at work

1PM It's All About Scheduling, Yo

Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo' what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl's car and rode over to my baby daddy's momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, "Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit's suspended, yo."
Male customer: That's some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo' reals...But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.

11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC

Overheard by: suddenly not hungry

10AM Didn't I Tell You? I'm Guilty.

Defense attorney: I'm going back to the office. God, I hate days like this. Losing blows.
Defendant: Hey, sorry, man. But, really, you didn't have a chance.

300 East Bay Street
Jacksonville, Florida

Overheard by: Jess

4PM Can We All Agree That What They Do Is Not 'Acting'?

Client #1: Yeah...[My girlfriend] used to be an actress.
Client #2, looking at photo on client #1's desk: Yeah? I think I have seen her before.
Client #1: Yeah? You watch a lot of porn? She used to be a porn actress.
Client #2: [Silence]

Airport Plaza
Long Beach, California

1PM Just a Minute--I'll Czech

Customer: Hi, can I get hold of Czech crowns here?
Bank flunky: Uhh...What was his first name again?

ASB Bank, Great North Road
Auckland, New Zealand

9AM How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid's Out of Diapers

Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you'd expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma'am. Can I put you on hold?

Perth, Western Australia

Overheard by: only hernia-ed it

9AM Maybe 'Shape It Up' Might Have Been More Appropriate

Employee: Can I help you find something?
Female customer: No...Actually, yes. I can't find any CDs by Devo.
Employee: Hm. What genre?
Girl: I would say rock, but...
Employee: D-I-V-O?
Girl: No, D-E-V-O.
Employee: That sounds really familiar. Let me go take a look. [Starts to turn]
Girl: Yeah, "Whip it!" [Makes whip crack motion]

Employee looks hurt and oblivious as he walks away.

1515 West Highway 114
Grapevine, Texas

11AM NewsFlash: Truce Ending 100 Years' War Shattered!