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1PM ...Mr. Gigantor
Salesmen on phone with client: I did steroids in college, so I understand where you're coming from.
Plymouth, Massachusetts
1PM Dear Canadia, We're Sorry. Love, Americia
Store clerk: So you're from Canada. Is it really quiet there?
Customer: Well, I guess that depends on where you live. I live in a large city, Toronto.
Store clerk: They have cities in Canada?
Northern Michigan
11AM The American Dream.
Female customer to male clerk wearing "Smith College" shirt: Did you go to Smith College?
Male clerk, in completely deadpan tone: Yes, I've got a vagina and I went to Smith College.
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Fred
5PM Yahoo Serious Is No Young Einstein
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger combo, no cheese.
Cashier, looking confused, to coworker: Hey, bro... What's a cheeseburger with no cheese?
Coworker: Are you serious, man?
Irvine, California
Overheard by: Jennifer
1PM They're Alcohol-Based, You Know
Boss to a client on conference call: Why don't you come here? There's nothing like smelling whiteboard markers together.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: theredheaddiva
1PM I'll Need a Few Minutes With the Menu
Lawyer on phone with client: Where would you like to get sued first?
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Lady Lawyer
2PM Latte Sleepers. Duh.
Old German woman: Do you have any coffee grinders?
Starbucks barista: No, we don't sell them here.
Old German woman: Do you know where I could find one?
Starbucks barista: Well, you could try another Starbucks, or Bed Bath & Beyond.
Old German woman: How illogical! Who would want to grind coffee in bed?!
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: it be beyond
9AM I Do the Checking-out Here, Sir
Older gentleman with thick Slavic accent, leaning over counter towards male cashier: Oh, those are niiice pants.
Cashier, cheeks reddening: Um, excuse me?
Older gentleman: I don't speak English so good. I am European. Your trousers, they are good. How much?
Wal-Mart
Mountain View, California
Overheard by: lith
9AM ...And Do You Think You Could Get Me John Leguizamo's Autograph?
CSR, on customer welcome call: Is your last name Valdez?
Customer: Yes, it is.
CSR, on customer welcome call: Is your father Juan Valdez? You can say you have a famous father!
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: Mortgage Whisperer
1PM And I Have to Explain It to Congress
Bank teller to customer at drive-through: Sorry, I can't wait on you. I must go home, I've messed myself.
Madisonville, Kentucky
9AM Hey, That Excuse Got Me Extra Time on My SATs!
Parts store clerk #1 to parts store clerk #2: I don't know about taking this test. These words they use, I don't know where they get these words from. Maybe it's just me, cause I'm from the South.
Customer, chuckling: Them can't be real words, can they?
Parts clerk #1: No.
Parts clerk #2: You're just way too country to take that test.
Decatur, Tennessee
10AM Drawing a Weapon Seems to Upset People
Guest to another, leaving hotel: Just keep popping off like that, and you too can be divorced!
Okmulgee, Oklahoma
4PM ...Unless There's a Gun in Your Pocket.
Postal worker: Alright, "express" means this package is guaranteed to arrive by 3 pm tomorrow.
Customer: Is that free?
Postal worker: Ain't nothing free, ma'am. Ain't nothing free. $18.74, ma'am. Dig deep, now. Dig deep.
Post Office
Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Connie
2PM The TheraFlu Commercial That Was Banned in Louisiana
Customer: I need the cold and flu meds that I have to be logged into a data base for.
Pharmacist: Well, can you tell me your symptoms?
Customer: Well, I'm sore and my head... it's like my whole head is just like... like someone sat on my face... but not in a good way.
(pharmacist gives deadpan face and goes to get meds)
Customer: You know, like a big fat person sat on my face... head. Do you take debit?
Mandeville, Louisiana
Overheard by: ShiftSuper2theSTARS
10AM So I Have to Pretend to Listen to More?
Buyer: Let me give you my e-mail address and you can forward me the information.
Vendor: Okay, give it to me.
Buyer: B-h-a-l-p-I-n...
Vendor: Okay, I'ma send that to you.
Buyer: Um, sir, I need to give you the rest of my e-mail address.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Bonnie
1PM Well What's Wrong with Rounding?
Service rep: The program was running, and it sends about one e-mail a second.
Customer: Okay, I think it was going for about five minutes, so it sent 800 e-mails.
Service rep: Um... Not really... No.
Ontario
Canadia
1PM The Longer We Discuss This, the More I Get Paid.
Lawyer to client: I'll have to file a motion to do that.
Client: Can't you just call and do that?
Lawyer: No, I'll have to file a motion, like on paper.
Client: Yeah, can't you just do it by phone?
Lima, Ohio
Overheard by: Holy Shit I went to College for this
3PM ...Until Gay Marriage Is Legal.
Old woman, filling out request for copy of marriage license form: Mine's kind of crooked. Is yours crooked? (pause) Oh, I'm filling out an application for a marriage license. I don't want to do that again!
New Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: Alexis
4PM ...So, by Our Standards, It's Perfect.
Manager to customer: You know, I just don't think that's adequate enough.
Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts
10AM ...That's My Beef with You.
Bewildered call agent: No, ma'am, "Seattle" is not spelled with a "c," if it were it would sound like... "cattle."
Yakima, Washington
Overheard by: Moooo
2PM Wanna Hear My Dirge About It?
Lady at meat counter: I had to buy some from Wal-Mart!
Meat guy: Aww!
Whole Foods
Winter Park, Florida
Overheard by: Sarah
10AM ...While I Chug One.
HR guy: Say your name again. (pause) Beerpong? Oooh, Bierpont! Riiight... spell that?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: The New Guy
9AM ...Because I Need to Know Whether or Not to Call Security.
Saleswoman: Oh, you're also from Iran?
Woman: Yes.
Saleswoman: So do you all speak Islamic?
Miami, Florida
3PM Another Touching Customer Service Moment
Customer: Can I touch this screen?
Employee: Well, you can touch it, but it's not a touch screen.
Verizon Store
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Jessica Vautard
10AM ...So We Can Argue About It Online?
Angry customer, ending long rant: Why do I have to sign a form? Why can't I close it over the phone? I didn't have to sign a form to open the account.
CSR: Yes, you did.
(pause)
Angry customer: Will you e-mail it to me?
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Why Sesame Street Exists: Explained.
Client: Is that a square or an oval?
Boss: Um... Square...?
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
9AM ...Hello? Hello?
Wireless tech support: Could you pull the battery from the phone?
Customer: I didn't realize these things had batteries.
Millbury, Massachusetts
4PM ...And Now I'd Like a Ground-floor Room with a Skylight.
Female guest at front desk: I want to do laundry. Give me four and half dollars in quarters.
Desk attendant: I can give you five dollars in quarters with this.
Female guest: I only want four and half dollars.
Desk attendant: M'am, you gave me a five dollar bill.
Female guest: Just give me four and half dollars in quarters!
Desk attendant: Okay. Here's four-fifty in quarters. And here's two quarters change.
Female guest: Finally. Thank you.
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Meredith
10AM ...Just Ask Our President.
Caller: I am calling about a claim that was denied last week.
Insurance customer service: Which claim is that, ma'am?
Caller: The one from my doctor's visit while we were in Hawaii.
Insurance customer service: Well, ma'am, your policy doesn't cover international medical claims--so your doctor's visit in Hawaii wouldn't be covered.
Denver, Colorado
2PM Um, That's a Cheese Grater.
Teen cashier to customer: Do you have a calculator on your phone? I put in 20 instead of 50.
Customer: No, but I have an abacus.
Stop & Shop
Connecticut
11AM Might I Recommend Medical Marijuana?
Customer: Do you have organic Tylenol?
Whole Foods
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
5PM What Exactly Constitutes "Smearing"?
Associate to customer on phone about beef recall: We are only recalling meat with the dates April 28th through June 6th on it.
Customer: Well, mine is dated June 23rd. Can I eat it?
Associate: Yes, ma'am. That's not in our recall dates.
Customer: Are you sure it's safe?
Associate: Yes ma'am. That meat wasn't part of the recall.
Customer: What were the dates again?
Associate: April 28th to June 6th.
Customer: So, I won't die?
Associate: Ma'am, unless you plan on smearing it on a pig and eating it raw, you are going to be fine.
Yarmouth, Maine
1PM We're Guessing His Package Exceeded the Maximum Size
Flustered airline rep on PA: Passenger Blackcock, please come talk to a representative at gate 44. Passenger Blackcock, to gate 44 please.
Airport
Newark, New Jersey
9AM That's What the Recordings Want You to Think
Service rep on phone: Yes, ma'am, I can find a salon near you. What is your zip code?
(sound of five beeps as woman keys in her zip code)
Service rep: Ma'am, could you speak your zip code, please?
(five beeps again)
Service rep: Ma'am! You are on the phone with a human being! Tell me, using your words, what you zip code is! (pause) Thank you, no, I'm not a recording!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Another Rep
9AM Ten Bucks Says He's Going to Masturbate
Employee on phone with customer: I just need to do a couple of other things, cross my Xs and circle my Os. Then I can get back to you.
Staten Island, New York
Overheard by: That Staten Island Guy
11AM I'm Entertaining and Incomprehensible
Sales rep on phone with client: I am Cajun. Yes--that's right: I'm white trash French.
West Village
Manhattan, New York
9AM We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to Everyone
Customer: I think you're making that up.
Employee: I think you're trespassing.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
9AM Did He Say 'Thai' or 'Tile'? Because It Makes a Difference.
Customer: Do you sell anything that will take the finish off a tile?
Salesman #1: Yeah, I think we have something. Where's that Finnish stripper?
Salesman #2: Out back, next to the Swedish stripper.
Waltham, Massachusetts
1PM Or Until You Die of a Staph Infection, Whichever Happens First
Disheveled cashier to customer buying towels: So I said to my daughter, "No, you can't have another towel. When you come out of the shower you are clean, so you can just keep using that same towel until next month."
Wal-Mart
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: Lindsey B
3PM Try Paying New York Prices, Buckaroo.
Customer in line buying a pop: $5 for a pop? Are you serious?
Cashier, deadpan: I wish I was joking.
Customer: Fine, give me a Coke. (walks away) I feel like I've just been raped!
Molson Amphitheatre
Toronto
Canadia
1PM Except for the Super Bowl, Obviously.
Fire department personnel, answering phone: Fire department, can I help you?
Woman on phone: Yes, can I get a burn permit?
Fire department personnel: Yes, ma'am, just come to our office and we'll write one.
Woman on phone: And what are your hours?
Fire department personnel: Uh, ma'am? We're the fire department, we don't close.
California
1PM Depends-- Is It Milk-Free Juice?
Lady, waiting in line at fast food place: What are your milkshakes made out of?
Cute girl serving: Ah, milk.
Lady: Oh. I'm allergic to milk, can I get it without the milk?
Cute girl: It's a milkshake, and we're a burger joint, we don't have the technology to separate milk from milk.
Lady: Oh, I see. But can I get it without milk?
Cute girl: Sure. Is juice okay, then?
North Lethbridge
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Allestra
3PM I'm Not Quite Following You...
Bank teller: Ma'am, from now on if you want your balance you'll need to request it.
Customer: How do I request it?
Bank teller: Well, ma'am, you just ask me for it.
Houston, Texas
2PM ...You're More Of a "Short and Moldy."
Customer #1: You know what, you could be like my informant!
Customer #2: Oh? And what would my name be?
Customer #1, looking around for an idea: Your name will be "quick and easy"!
Customer #2: Excuse me?
Customer #1: Wait! I didn't mean that!
Restaurant
Connecticut
2PM Office Work, Encapsulated
Director on phone with client: You need to complete a survey to assess your facility's readiness for the next stage of this project. Just don't think your answers will have any impact on the final decision.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Xen
1PM Hello?...Hello?
Insurance claims adjuster: So have you recovered from the disaster last Friday night?
Homeowner: (inaudible)
Insurance claims adjuster: No, I was talking about the Ohio state game where they got whipped!
Earthy City, Missouri
Overheard by: Kevin
3PM From My Big Book Of Ways to Deal with Nosy People
Cashier, ringing up case of beer and large box of condoms: Got a busy weekend planned, huh?
Customer: Yeah, my sister's coming into town tonight. Gotta be prepared, you know?
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Lusus Naturae
1PM It's a New Orleans Thing, Dear Reader
Operator setting up auto claim with customer on phone: Sir, I'm so sorry your car got stolen today. At least you babies and CDs are fine. I think you need to git you some whiskey to calm you down. Or just do what I do to calm myself down, cheer! "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat! Yayayayayaya! Who dat!"
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Wish I had my MP3 player today
4PM And I Sure Would Love to Make a Deposit
Female bank teller to male customer with an open beer between his knees: I sure would like to have what's between your legs!
Dawson Springs, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
10AM There Are So Few Good Roles for African-American Actors
Woman in hardware store, holding tube of black caulk: Does this caulk come in a smaller size?
Helpful hardware dude: No ma'm, black caulk only comes in large sizes.
Hardware Store
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: of course it does.....
4PM This Time Just Be a Bit More Emphatic with the "Ttthhhhbbtt"
CSR on quality control recording of recent call: Hello, this is Brian*, how can I help you?
Caller: Kathy.
CSR: Sorry, what?
Caller: I want Kathy. Now.
CSR: Okay. Well, she's probably not available right now. Can I help you?
Caller: Fuck you. I don't want to talk to you. I only want to talk to Kathy. You talk like an asshole.
CSR: Sir, assholes talk like this: "tttthhhhhhbbbbbttttttttttt". I've done no such thing. I'll have to ask you to call back when you're feeling more appropriate.
Quality control monitor: Good. Next call.
Financial District
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Alan
3PM ...And Were Aroused.
Woman in office to client that is leaving: Just so you know, I just poured some tuna fish water in the toilet, but I didn't use it. You know, just in case you were thinking... You know...
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Mickey
2PM I Think I've Heard This Dolly Parton Song...
50-something woman on Stairmaster, to personal trainer: I've got the heart of a whore, and I want the body of a virgin.
Oakland, California
10AM Like, Did He Twirl His Mustache and Cackle?
Secretary to irate victim on the phone: Well, ma'am, perhaps it would help if you could remember the name of the prosecutor who handled your case...
Irate victim: Well... I don't remember his name, but I can tell you he was the meanest son of a bitch in that office!
Secretary, sighing: Ma'am, I'm afraid you're going to have to be much more specific than that.
Virginia
Overheard by: Nice Little Lemur Girl
3PM Is This a Trap?
Customer service rep to client: Yeah, you just did the opposite of what I just said. But that's fine. You can do it that way.
Columbus, Ohio
11AM Terrible Acting
Rental associate: How did you enjoy your movies, sir?
Customer, noticeably uncomfortable: Uhhh, the first one sucked, the second one I couldn't get through.
Rental associate: Oh, that's nice. (looks down to see each movie is a porno and turns beet red)
Rancho Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: pixelpusher-909
2PM Sorry, My Mind Just Went on Safari for a Minute There
Ski salesman, advocating favorite brand to customer: I'm partial to Head.
Customer: You and me both.
Ottawa
Canadia
1PM Sometimes Customer Service Is Difficult to Stomach
Sales clerk on phone: So the reason I lost the baby was because he punched me in the stomach. Yes, girl! The police don't just investigate innocent people like that. (looks at coming customer) I'll call you back. (slams phone) Can I help you?
Tallahassee, Florida
Overheard by: AP
5PM ...The Way My Postman Does.
Receptionist: How was everything today?
Male client: Oh, it was great! The massage was great, though I couldn't understand a word she said.
Receptionist: Well, it's a good thing that she's not massaging you with her mouth!
Day Spa
Manhattan, New York
11AM You Must Think There's a Difference Between Methodists and Baptists
Authoritative man in cafeteria line: Hm. I love twice-baked potatoes.
Man behind him: Aren't twice-baked potatoes the same as mashed potatoes?
Authoritative man in cafeteria line: The difference is that twice-baked potatoes are baked twice.
Swanton, Ohio
Overheard by: Boehmhemian
4PM Hip Hop Leaves a Funky Residue in Caucasian Speech
Whitest white girl talking to black store manager: You will see me at your store, fo' sho'... Er... for sure.
Hawthorne, New York
11AM Q5 Is Better Known As the Empty Quarter
Client: I think we'll need to push this to Q4 or Q5.
Seattle, Washington
10AM And Here's a Cute One With a Syringe
Customer: Do you have ornaments of cities?
Employee: Yes, over here.
Customer: I'm looking for Seattle, it will probably have the Space Needle on it.
Employee: Sorry, I don't see that. We have astronauts, though.
Christmas Store
Frankenmuth, Michigan
Overheard by: Anita
12PM Bookstore Cafés Cause Nothing but Confusion in Australia
Coworker: Would you like some tomato sauce with that muffin?
Customer: (blank look)
Coworker: Ah, shit.
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Alaska
11AM Then What Are Those in That Bowl on Your Desk?
Client: Is your service free?
Salesman: No. Well, I guess it could be, but we don't live in the land of lollipops and candy canes.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Chris Lumo
12PM They Let You Handle Drugs?
Customer to pharmacy tech: I don't want you. I want the guy with goatee. Where's the guy with goatee?
Pharmacy tech: Nobody here has gold teeth.
Los angeles, California
Overheard by: Don't have either one
10AM But First We Reduce Him to Tears With Cross-Examination
Messenger: Hey, I'm just the messenger.
Receiver: Do you know where the phrase "Don't shoot the messenger" came from?
Messenger: Cause they use to shoot the messenger.
Receiver: You know why they still have that saying? Cause we still shoot the messenger.
Lyndhurst, New Jersey
10AM You Wanted the Beef a La Mode, Right?
Lady in large party: How can you remember all of this?
Waiter: The longer I stand here, the less I remember.
Restaurant
Placerville, California
9AM My Life Partner Just Likes Wearing Lipstick from Time to Time
Female client: I'll have to go over this with my partner.
Clued-out accountant: Oh. I didn't know you were a lesbian.
Female client: My business partner.
Toronto
Canadia
3PM The Day Daniel Learned to Spit in Customers' Food
Female server: Hello my name is Samantha* and I will be your server today. Daniel* is in training, so do you mind if he helps out?
Female customer: No. You can double team me anytime.
Male customer: That's what she said.
Jackson, Tennessee
12PM Are You As Turned on As I Am?
Boss to client worried about the stock market: I ride it up, I ride it down, I pull it out, it goes up, now I'm chasing its tail.
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: A little disgusted
4PM "Making a Sandwich," You Say?
Customer, looking at a damaged mobile home: How did that happen?
Mechanic: The guy put it on cruise control and went into the back to make a sandwich.
Repair Center
England
Overheard by: Rob
11AM Okay, I'm Listening. Go On.
Grocery store clerk: What is this?
Customer: It's a cucumber.
Troy, Michigan
Overheard by: The Natural EMP
1PM Women Can Do This to Each Other All Day Long
Salesperson: I can get you a package over today to look at.
Client: I'd love to see your package today.
Springdale, Ohio
5PM But I Kinda Like It When My Computer Goes Down on Me
Male computer tech to male computer user: Hey, if you let me get between you legs I can fix that issue.
Las Vegas, Nevada
4PM Why I Don't Talk to My Co-Workers: Explained.
CSR on phone with customer: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't cover vehicles outside the United States.
(five minutes later)
CSR to coworker: I think I told the customer the wrong thing. Is Hawaii part of the United States?
Southington, Connecticut
3PM That's a Dude's Name, Isn't It?
Borders customer: It's by... I don't know her name, but she's the new Poet Laureate.
Borders clerk: Her name is "Laureate"?
Borders customer, sighing: Never mind.
Sunnyvale, California
11AM How Are Bambi and the Kids, Anyway?
Salesperson, leaving voicemail for customer: Hey there, it's me! Guess you're out killing Bambi--call me back when you get back in town!
Austin, Texas
2PM Australians and Americans May Be Many Miles Apart, but We're Really All the Same
Shop assistant: So, can I help you with anything else?
50-something woman: Yes, I'd like a big, long screw. About this big. (she demonstrates with hands)
Shop assistant: Wouldn't we all!
Hardware Store
Australia
4PM ...Have a Lovely Day, Motherfuckers.
Manager of convenience store at Shell service station, to clerk, in front of customers: Jesus, I can't wait until this goddamned customer appreciation week is over.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: tallulah_iroquois
12PM The Next Internet Success Story
Customer, in clown makeup on Halloween: I'm so drunk right now I don't even care about my big, green twat lips.
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: intrigued
2PM I'm Asking Myself, "What Would Bill Clinton Do?"
Female client on exercise bike: It's squeaking somewhere.
Maintenance man on his knees before her and bike: I've lubed every part I can find!
Searcy, Arkansas
3PM Crazy Revealing
Seemingly normal customer: It's revealing when the lolly-boxes clatter, isn't it? Revealing!
Cashier: Er, yes. (awkward laughter)
Vegetable Shop
Western Australia
Australia
Overheard by: Cara
4PM ...Now If Only There Were a Way to Measure That...
Customer: How much does one of those pork chops weigh?
Meat market employee: It depends on how big they are.
Peoria, Illinois
2PM ...Senator.
Coworker, on phone to client: We provide all sorts of services, it just depends on whether or not you're willing to pay for them.
Edmonton
Canadia
5PM Just One Of the Hazards Of Cargo Pants
Event coordinator, after stuttering to clients during meeting: I'm sorry, I must have left my mouth in my other pants.
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Complete Composure
3PM ...I May Have to Go Shopping for Shoes to Clear My Mind.
Woman on cell in shoe store, sighing: Yes, honey, I'm still at the DMV, the lines are horrendous!
Buena Park Mall
Buena Park, California
Overheard by: Glad I'm not married to her
4PM Now Golf Department, Show Me Your Woods!
Store manager to employee: Can you tighten your ballbag, please? I want all ballbags to be tight.
(customers start giggling and laughing)
Store manager: Come on, guys, we're in a sports store--the word "ballbag" isn't funny here!
Melbourne
Australia
3PM Making Kids Is the Easy Part
Customer on cell: Yes, darling. I do have to bring her home, she's our daughter.
Ontario
Canadia
2PM Can I Interest You in Our Conversion Kit?
Male salesperson on phone to female customer: But I can't do that. I can give you a six-inch white one or an eight-inch brown one. I don't have an eight-inch white one!
Majestic Parkway
Bedford Heights, Ohio
5PM Once We Finish Mocking You, We'll Be Happy to Help
Woman to tech support: So I came in this morning and I couldn't get it up.
Virgin Islands
3PM The Eternal Question.
Man to friend: Whatever happened to good old-fashion cock? (turns to customer) Can I help you?
Wayme New Jersy
Overheard by: anthony
2PM Not Much Happens to Them
Employee on phone with customer: Do we have any books about muffins? You mean how to make muffins? We have cookbooks... (pause) No? (pause) I don't think we have books... Just... About muffins.
Long Island, New York
3PM Always Works to Ease the Tension When My Wife and I Fight
Boss to client: While we're talking about this, why don't you take your shirt off, please.
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: fully dressed
5PM ...Best Just to Lock It in the Freezer.
Girl: My cats chewed through my computer's power cord this morning. (sighs) I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet and buy a new one.
Apple guy: Or you could use that bullet to shoot your cats!
(girl stares at him)
Apple guy: Uh... I take back that comment heartily.
Apple Store
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Misaki
1PM Would the Letter "E" Work for You, Ma'am?
CSR to client: You want the number 3 capitalized?
Oxford, Mississippi
2PM I Consider It a Horizontal Move
Cashier: I love your ring!
Customer: Thank you! It's my reward for ten years of... (mimes giving a blow job)
Medford, Oregon
4PM When You Asked "Why Is This Night Different from All Other Nights?", I Imagined a Much Different Answer
Customer: Have a nice Passover.
Coworker #1: What's "Passover" mean?
Coworker #2: It means she's Jewish.
Coworker #1: Oh. It sounded like something naughty.
Troy, Michigan
9AM A Hair Dryer? Really?
Perky blonde stylist, describing product to client: It's like a liquid form of moisture...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: irresolute.tumblr
9AM NewsFlash: Massacretectomy Scandal Rocks Australia!
Customer: I'd rather shoot off my left tit than save her life!
Melbourne
Australia
3PM I'm Pretty Sure Florida Forwards Mail to the Hereafter
Older woman library user: I'd like to send a sympathy card to Perry Como.
Librarian: I thought he died several years ago.
Library user: I know. The last address I have is in Jupiter, Florida.
Hawthorne, California
Overheard by: librain13
10AM For Some Reason, People Don't Take Us Seriously
Presenter: We're going to go over our organization's strengths and weaknesses now. So, do you want to talk about how much we suck or how much we rock first?
Audience member: That's what she said.
STAND Conference, Harvard
Cambridge, Massachusetts
11AM Keeps Drinking the Water Cooler Dry
Code enforcer: I have an animal control complaint.
Animal control: Okay, what is it?
Code enforcer: There's a camel loose in our office!
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
10AM Aren't We All, Really?
Sales associate: Can I help you find something, ma'am?
Woman: Oh, no thanks, my husband is just looking for a screw.
Hardware Store
Falmouth, Massachusetts
12PM Too Hungry to Fight, Huh?
Customer: Ummm... What's in a veggie sandwich?
(short pause)
Employee: Uh, veggies.
(short pause)
Customer: Oh. Okay. I'll have a veggie sandwich.
Subway Sandwich Shop
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 'Chelle
3PM Like I Did With You.
Girl: Which one will fit in my port?
IT guy: The plugs are all the same size.
Girl: Oh, so I just push it in? I don't want to just jam it in there and not have anything happen for me.
NIH Campus
Bethesda, Maryland
1PM What Comes from Being Raised on Episodes Of Roseanne
Coworker to customer: No, no. I don't think it won't take anything no longer than that.
Mt. Laurel, New Jersey
Overheard by: Annoyed
3PM Kind Of Like Your Accommodations
Hotel guest: Do you have any forks?
Girl at front desk: Yeah, how many would you like?
Hotel guest: Two. But they're forks, right? Not sporks? You know what sporks are, right?
Girl at front desk: Yes, they're hybrid spoon/fork things.
Hotel guest: Yeah... Reminds me of when I was in prison.
Hawthorne, California
Overheard by: ...what?
2PM Just Like I Say to My Husband on Very Special Nights
Barista handing toast to customer: You're all buttered up and ready to rock and roll!
Redlands, California
Overheard by: snotting_espresso
1PM At This Point, Henrietta's Pants Spontaneously Burst Into Flames
Customer on cell with full cart of groceries: Hello? Yeah, I had to stay at work late 'cos one of the other girls was sick... I just got in my car now.
Mamaroneck, New York
Overheard by: The Cashier
12PM ...Oh, You Meant the Status Of My Report?
Senior counsel, on phone with unfortunate client: It was a two-dump morning. Yeah, it was kind of soft.
Falls Church, Virginia
2PM I Warned You About Poke Salad Annie
Customer #1: I don't know how she thinks she's hot.
Customer #2: Who?
Customer #1: Sweet tits.
Customer #2: (mumbles obscenities)
Customer #1: Well, I don't know what to tell you, you're the one who always dates mean, nasty women.
Target
Evansville, Indiana
Overheard by: REDman
1PM You Too, Mrs. Parks
Bus driver, over intercom, on a crowded bus about to let on more passengers: All standees please drop your backpacks to your feet and move to the back of the bus.
(no one moves)
Bus driver: This is the voice of God. Thou shalt drop your bags to your feet and move to the back of the bus.
Davis, California
Overheard by: Natalie T.
12PM Think Of Your Computer As a Chick at a Bar...
CSR, on phone with customer: I'm sorry, but that's not a confirmation code. That's the word "denied."
Bryan, Texas
Overheard by: Jax
9AM You Know the Economy's Bad When History Professors Work at Rite Aid
Woman in line: I want to go somewhere foreign this summer. How about Guam?
Cashier: Actually, Guam is part of the United States.
Woman in line: Ugh, these things change so often. We must have gotten it, like, a year ago, right?
Cashier: Actually, we've owned Guam since the 1800s. It sends a non-voting member to Congress, but they have no elector, so they don't matter for presidential elections.
Woman in line: Oh, thank god.
Rite Aid
Doylestown, Pennsylvania
3PM But You Have to Promise to Only Use the Pizza for Good
Woman: Can you put green peppers and mushrooms on one half and pepperoni on the other?
Pizza Hut guy: Yes, we have the technology to do that.
Beloit, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Truly amazing
1PM Especially Coins.
Coworker on phone with customer: No. We do not accept payments via fax. No, I'm sorry, you cannot fax your money to us. (pause) Ma'am, you can mail your check or money order to us, we can take check or CC over the phone, but we do not accept cash via fax.
Southington, Connecticut
11AM You Never Outgrow Your Devotion to the Insane Clown Posse
Employee: Sir, the password to your account is?
Man: J-u-g-g-a-l-o.
Wife: God, that's so embarrassing.
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Stephen
9AM When I Dream, It's Always About My Money
Customer: Why hasn't my money been deposited into my account today?
CSR: Well sir, it's Martin Luther King Day, so the banks are closed.
Customer: Oh, yeah! I forgot about that, homie!
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: dropping some eaves
2PM So I Can Only Loan It to You for an Hour or So
Pretty blonde girl: Umm, excuse me, but do you have a tampon? I'm desperate.
Obese, sassy librarian: Yeah, I have one. But it's inserted.
Monson Free Library
Monson, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sarah
12PM Though, Technically, This Smells Like Gin.
Disgruntled lady with broken iPod: I expect the customer service to go hand in hand with the product I bought.
Apple store employee: I see, but there is water damage to the iPod.
Disgruntled lady with broken iPod: But it did not happen while I have had it, it probably happened in the store.
Apple store employee: How long have you had it?
Disgruntled lady with broken iPod: It's brand new.
Apple store employee: This model has been discontinued.
Disgruntled lady with broken iPod: Well whatever damage happened, I didn't do it. I didn't drop it in water.
Apple store employee: Ma'am, we don't put water in our iPods.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Celine
1PM Go Easy on the Mayonnaise-- It's My First Time
Cockney waitress to customer: We haven't got any chicken sandwiches, but I can do an impersonation!
Rye
England
4PM Was That a Threat, Ma'am?
Guard to woman, as metal detector beeps at her: Please step over here, ma'am.
Woman: I don't carry sharp objects on me...except my wit.
Guard: Please.
LAX Security Check-In
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: 2Aron
9AM As My Nametag Clearly States
IT guy: Where do I need to put this?
Lady down the hall: If you can't get it in that one, just stick it in the back. It doesn't matter where you stick it. I'm easy.
Memphis, Tennessee
5PM ...If the FBI Asks.
Cashier, ringing up books: Okay, ma'am, and would you like to donate a book to a foster child tonight?
Customer: No, it's okay, I'm already doing a foster child.
(cashier stares in shock)
Customer: Oh, wait. I meant to say I'm mentoring a foster child.
Barnes & Noble
Seattle, Washington
3PM You Can't Do That!
Customer on phone, about catalog CD: I will just shove it in real fast.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: That's What She Said
9AM Jesus, Dude, Order Online, Wouldya?
Customer: Can I get a pack of condoms?
Clerk: Yes, what kind would you like?
Customer: Um, whatever is smallest.
Union City, Georgia
Overheard by: Amanda
2PM You'll Look for Any Excuse to Press an Asshole, Herbert.
Frustrated old man, walking away from service call button at Home Depot: Might as well hang an asshole up there and press that!
San Diego, California
3PM NewsFlash: Woman Beaten to Death with Krullers. Ruled "Justifiable."
Soccer mom: Can I have a medium iced latte? (pause) Wait, how much is a large?
Employee: $2.99.
Soccer mom: And how much is the medium?
Employee: $2.69.
Soccer mom: So which is the better value?
Employee: Huh?
Soccer mom: How many ounces are in the large? How many are in the medium? What's the cost per ounce of each?
Next customer in line: Here's thirty cents, just give her a large.
Soccer mom: I'm not sure if I want a large.
Rest of very long line: Argh!
Dunkin Donuts
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Heavy D
11AM Tonight's Movie: Nightmare on West Main Street
(desk girl is on long, heated phone call with same client for fifth time before noon, hangs up, and sighs)
Coworker: Do you hear them in your sleep?
West Main Street
Aspen, Colorado
10AM You Don't Vote Pro-Yolk, Do You, Sir?
Waitress #1, to customer: I've tried that before, except I don't really like runny eggs, so I usually don't get it. It's good, though. Poached eggs look too much like an abortion. (pauses) I probably shouldn't have said that...
Waitress #2, overhearing: Wait, what looks like an abortion?
Waitress #1: Poached eggs.
Waitress #2: Oh. (pause) Yeah, they do.
Café
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I wouldn't know. I've never had one.
5PM Your Contempt for the Customer Reveals Itself Without Warning
Purchaser on telephone: Yes, Singleton. "S" as in "Sam," "I" as in "India," "n" as in "Nancy," "g" as in "Gary," "l" as in "laugh," "e" as in "echo," "t" as in "Tom," "o" as in "Omar," "n" as in "Nancy." Singleton.
Administrator: Thank you, Ms. Simpleton.
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Really??
4PM I Just Called That Guy a "Ma'am"!
CSR on phone with customer: Yes, ma'am, I should be able to put you down to service your area tomorrow. Okay, thank you. (hangs up)
CSR to office: Did I just say what I think I said?
Nashville, Tennessee
11AM And Put It in Soup Form.
Woman ordering: Guess what I want today!
Sandwich guy: The usual?
Woman ordering, completely seriously: Yeah, except I'm going to change a few things up. Like...the bread and the stuff on it, ya know?
Cafeteria
Horsham, Pennsylvania
3PM But My Ghost Will Definitely Be Bitching About the Price
Pharmacist: Okay, that prescription will be filled in 45 minutes.
Old man: Oh my, I'll be dead by then!
Santa Barbara, California
5PM Has She Tried Using Her Teeth?
Woman on phone with client: Yes, this is about the files you sent. My colleague has been trying since morning but could not open your zip!
New York City, New York
3PM WouldYou Be Satisfied with a Muffin Basket?
Tech rep to customer: I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any little balls to send out.
Allentown, Pennsylvania
10AM ...As Long As It Doesn't Involve Opening the Trunk Of My Car.
Client: May I speak with Elizabeth?
Distracted receptionist: I'm sorry...she's no longer with us...but...not dead. Is there something I can help you with?
Ad Agency
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Rest in Peace...
4PM Thanks, John
Elderly customer to account rep/receptionist: You are my favorite call girl.
Bourbonnais, Illinois
2PM Mr. Cheney Really Should Give Up Hunting
Employee answering phone: Thank you for calling... (gets squirted with silly string) Aahh!
Customer: What?
Employee: I'm sorry, I just got shot in the face with something.
Scotts Valley, California
Overheard by: Mari
4PM All Year Round?
Client in high end salon to receptionist: I've got to ask you: how do you keep such a fabulous year-round tan?
Receptionist, giving blank stare: I'm half black.
Bellevue, Washington
11AM ...Give or Take About Six Weeks.
Business user: So you're telling me that it will take six weeks to roll out this new bit of code to the stores?
Project manager: Yes.
Business user: This is ridiculous. Why can't we just have a set of rules that tells the systems what we want to do instead of inserting all this coding crap?
Project manager: Well, yes, we could do that.
Business user: Perfect! How long will it take to do that?
Project manager: About six weeks.
Wilkesboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Firebabe
10AM A GM Mechanic Never Kids, Sir
Young mechanic: Does the car overheat when it's not running?
Customer: Are you serious?
Auto Dealership
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM ...Into a Lime-Green Masterpiece
Employee helping customer with curtains: Now I'm slightly tacky, but I think you could work these...
Bed Bath & Beyond
San Francisco, California
5PM Chorus in Background: "Amo, Amas, Amat..."
Scattered manager to client on speakerphone: Hi Bill, this is Carol. I have Jen and Beth here. We're all conjugating at Jen's desk.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: The Notorious B
9AM Because I Have a Stabbing Pain in My Ear
Woman on phone to cable company: Okay. Hey, hold on a sec. (yells into the phone) Don't go meet him, he's gonna stab you! I know he stabbed your brother, that's why I think he's gonna stab you too! (pause) Fine! if you want to get stabbed don't come crying to me. Just make sure you bring your phone so you can call 911, okay? Sorry about that...now what do I do next?
Call center rep: Uhh, I think I need to report this call.
Woman: Why?
Time Warner Call Center
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Dani
1PM It's Difficult to Make Ashes Look Alive, Ma'am
Family: Well, let me ask you this, I mean, she won't look dead, right? I've seen some bodies that look like they are dead and I think that is awful, how do you make the deceased not look "that" way?
Director: Uuuhhmmmmm, well, uhhh, huh?
Funeral Home
Detroit, Michigan
11AM I'll Take That As a No
Agent: Can you tell me what color the small square or circular sticker is on the back of your phone?
Customer: I had cervical surgery this week. My neck hurts.
Vermillion, South Dakota
Overheard by: Haley
3PM And When I Do...
Sales rep on phone to customer: I thought about you in the shower this morning. I know that probably sounds weird but I think about my customers all the time.
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Wonder if he made the sale...
2PM I Was Like, "Shoot!"
Lawyer to client: I have a concealed handgun license. I used to carry my gun with me all the time, but then I found out it's illegal to carry a weapon and be intoxicated.
Guadalupe Street
Austin, Texas
2PM Micromanagement: The Three Little Pigs' Fatal Flaw
Coworker on telephone with client: No...I really don't know what kind of padlock to buy for a tent. (tries hard not to laugh)
North Liberty, Iowa
Overheard by: Krystal
5PM And Carrier Pigeons Are Notoriously Unreliable
Customer service rep to customer: No, sir, you cannot fax a payment.
Southington, Connecticut
12PM With Its Miles of White-Sand Beaches
Woman: Where is your next conference?
Hairdresser: Boston.
Woman: Oh, I love Boston.
Hairdresser: Yeah, I've never been to the East Coast before. (pauses) Well, no, I guess I have been to Kentucky.
Hays, Kansas
3PM This Is So Much Better Than Having On-Site Tech Support
Woman on phone with tech support: Yes, ma'am, I am in front of my computer. That's how I know it's frozen.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM She Must Really Annoy the People She Works With, Huh?
Salesperson, in response to reading a news article: Why would anyone name their pet Booger, then have him cloned?
Customer: I wish aliens would come down and take Paris Hilton away.
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: bearer of randomness
10AM And They Remind Me Too Much of My Baby-Carrot Member
Man, referring to golf pencils provided: Can I borrow something to write with? I can't use those small pencils. I'm a VIP!
Virginia Beach, Virginia
10AM Gotta Love the Chain of Command
Customer (on speaker): But it's too expensive, it isn't fair! I can't afford it. Can't I just pay you half?
Insurance rep: No, the premium for your vehicle is $435.60. You have to pay the full amount.
Customer: Can you find a way so I can just pay $200? That's all I can afford!
Insurance rep: No. You can't just pay any amount you want. You need to pay what you owe.
(this goes on for 10 minutes)
Insurance rep: Well, fine, if you can't afford to pay the insurance for your car maybe you should sell it and take the damn bus.
Customer: What? What did you just say to me?
Insurance rep: I'll transfer you to my manager.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM Right Up There with the "Do You Need to Refrigerate Ketchup?" Debacle Of 1997
Visiting client, waiting for elevator: You're right. Putting shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle *is* more economical.
(jittery laughter)
Manager: It just makes sense, you know? Why have two when you can have just one?
Coworker, after client and manager get in elevator: That was the worst example of small talk I have ever heard.
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Isn't This Exactly Why Your Secret Santa Got You Suspenders?
Manager to customer: Well, sir, you've caught me with my pants down!
Two peons passing by (simultaneously): Ewww!
Plymouth, Michigan
3PM We Didn't Get Our New Calendars in Time
Woman on phone to client: Well, New Year's Day fell on the 1st this year, which messed a few things up.
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: Stunned
9AM Norman Bates Is Still Working Out His Mom Issues
Manager on phone, walking out of back office: Shut up! Just shut up! Jesus Christ! (hangs up phone).
(scared clerk is dead silent)
Manager: What? She's a bitch!
(phone rings)
Customer: Did I walk in on something?
Manager (calmly): Go to hell, mom. (angrily) I said go to hell! Die, bitch, die! (hangs up phone)
Scared clerk: You walked in on every day at this place. (shudders)
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
1PM I Got My Medicine in Ten Minutes But I Was Just Too Mesmerized to Leave
Customer #1 (sitting in waiting area waiting for prescription for 40 minutes): (cough cough hack hack wheeze)
Customer #2: Oh, you sound awful, I hope you haven't been waiting long.
Customer #1: I've been here for almost an hour watching the dance of the dipshits that's going on behind the counter.
Customer #2: There's entertainment now?
CVS Pharmacy
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Currrly!
9AM Did I Sound Like a Big, Angry Guy or a Soft-Spoken Lad with a British Accent?
Cube-dweller (on phone): Thank you for calling
Customer: Can I speak to Charles, please?
Cube-dweller: Speaking.
Customer: Oh, I thought you said you were Andy?
Cube-dweller: Yes.
Customer: So...you're Andy and Charles?
Cube-dweller: Yes.
Customer: Okay... Well, I'm returning your call.
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: Andy. I mean, Charles.
11AM Bethany Always Makes Prank Phone Calls in Person
Customer: I have a question about something that's not pictured on your website. Can you describe it?
Coworker: (stares at her blankly)
Portland, Oregon
5PM Her Name Is RuPaul
Client with sick dog: I need to see the veterinarian on duty because my dog isn't feeling well.
Veterinarian receptionist: Is your dog a male or female?
Client with sick dog: She's a male.
Wooster, Ohio
Overheard by: netty
10AM If You Accidentally Move the Heavens and Make That Happen
Long-haired guitar dude to customer: Sometimes it's because the neck is warped. That can happen if you leave it out in the sun all night.
Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: realized it 5 minutes later
5PM ...Bong Water
Check-out clerk: How are you doing today?
Customer: I'm good, how are you doing?
Check-out clerk: My stomach hurts. Too much drinking.
Woodinville, Washington
Overheard by: Can sympathize
2PM Victor Borge: I Spit on You!
Help desk: Thank you for calling, this is SUU, how can I help you?
Ditzy caller: Yeah...hi, I'm having problems with your website. Whenever I enter my employment in this field it kicks back a scary warning and says invalid characters.
Help desk: Okay, we're having a bit of a glitch with that, so just go ahead and remove all of the punctuation, then it should go through no problem.
Ditzy caller: Punctuation? You mean like capital words?
Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ang
1PM Why the President Stopped Conducting His Own Transactions
Customer: I need to send an international wire transfer for 1,000 euros please.
Teller: Okay, let me check...yeah, we can do that. How much is that in money?
Customer: Excuse me?
Teller: How much is that in money?
Customer: Do you mean how much is it in US dollars?
Teller: Yeah, how much is it in money?
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Currency Expert
9AM Worst. Apology. Ever
Visitor: Excuse me, receptionist? Do you mind getting me some coffee?
VP of sales: I'm sorry, I'm not the receptionist.
Visitor: Oh, I'm sorry...you look just like one.
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Steals your good pens...
5PM One Hundred Dollars--- a Special Deal for You
Customer: What price tickets do you have available?
Call center rep: $70, $60, and $35.
Customer: Okay...(long pause) What tickets do you still have though?
Call center rep: Um...70 dollar tickets, 60 dollar tickets, and 35 dollar tickets.
Customer: Okay... (pause) But how much are the tickets that you have left?
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Kathy
2PM Or Is It Another Tailgate Party?
Customer: What's going on? Why are there a bunch of cop cars outside?
Bank teller: I don't know. (looks at other tellers) Are ya'll getting robbed?
Kleberg Street
Kingsville, Texas
3PM The Customer Is Always Right
Customer: I don't know if I should get the two years subscription, I might not live that long.
Employee: How old are you?
Customer: 68.
Employee: Well, Tom*, that's a crapshoot.
Harrisburg, North Carolina
4PM A Little Something Extra on the Meat-Lover's Pizza, Ma'am
Employee #1: Yeah, it was a great porno. Yeah, she was all up on his taint. The taint. You know the part between the meat and the hole? Yeah, that.
Employee #2, on the phone with customer: (cringe)
Customer on phone: Excuse me...
Employee #2: Umm, yes ma'am?
Customer: Was that man talking about balls?
Pizza Place
Long Island, New York
12PM ...Wait, No...Insensitivity?
Customer: It smells like incest in here... Wait, no, incense.
Golf Shop
Macon, Georgia
Overheard by: What do pine-scented candles remind you of?
5PM At Least I Don't End My Sentences with Prepositions
Angry customer on phone: Where are you located at?
CSR: Iowa.
Angry customer on phone: I outta come there and kick your ass!
Calm CSR: With all due respect sir, bring it. (hangs up)
Boyrum
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: Cube Mate
12PM It's a Supernatural Three's Company
Coworker: How many people in your household?
Client: 3 souls and 1 body.
Duluth, Minnesota
3PM Suddenly I Feel Like I'm Back in Amsterdam
Confused customer: So is there a line? How do I get someone to wait on me?
Helpful older customer: Oh, you just wait for a loose lady to come and help you.
York, Maine
12PM Aren't People from Outside the US Supposed to Be Good Spellers?
CSR: May I have your name, please?
Customer: It's "Kathy."
CSR: Just to verify, that's "k" for Kansas, "a" for apple, "t" for Tom, "h" for Harry, and "y" for, ummm...uhh...Wyoming?
Customer: Correct.
Quezon City
Philippines
1PM Dealing with Foul-Mouthed Jerks All Day
Customer: Man, you have a shitty fucking job.
Sales rep: Yeah.
Whitcoulls
Lower Hutt
New Zealand
Overheard by: You Bet I Did
9AM Plus He'll Never Play Naked Again
Customer #1: He was whacking it, and when I say whacking, I mean he was really going at it!
Customer #2: So you saw him do it?
Customer #1: Yeah, he was really embarrassed afterwards, but at least he was enjoying himself.
Customer #2: So what happened?
Customer #1: He was hitting it too hard and it snapped!
Customer #2: Oh... So you need a new PlayStation controller then?
Customer #1: Yeah.
K-Mart
Australia
12PM So I Can Write It on a Tissue and Then Blow My Nose
Customer: Can you please put me on your do-not-call list?
Telemarketer: Sure... how do you spell that?
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Bored!
2PM I'm Telling You, South Africans Do Not Play
Client staring at fish in tank: They are pretty when they swim around.
Hostess: Would you like to join them, sir?
Sandton
Johannesburg
South Africa
11AM We're Always Semi-Happy to See You, Sir
Elderly man, yelling at pharmacist: What the hell do I need a 90-day supply for? How do I know I'm going to live for another 90 days? Change this to a 30-day supply. If I need more, I'll come back!
CVS Pharmacy
Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
9AM Although We Were Going for a Jaguar
Guest: Man, I really love your food!
Server: Thank you, sir.
Guest: It gives me the strength of a puma!
Server: Uh... thank you sir?
5th St
Cincinnati, Ohio
3PM The Car Was Yellow. Does That Help?
Customer: I left something in a cab and I would pay very well to get it back.
Dispatcher: Sure, I just need to know the description of the item to see if it's been returned.
Customer: Umm, I'd rather not explain.
Dispatcher: Well, how do I find it? It can't be that bad.
Customer: Well, it's a brown bag. Has anyone turned in a brown bag?
Dispatcher: Not that I'm aware of. Look, do you know the cab number?
Customer: No, but I think it was one of your cabs.
Dispatcher: You think? Did you catch a name? Know anything about the driver?
Customer: He was foreign, like, Middle Eastern. I think his name was Ali.
Dispatcher: Seriously?
Burnside Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Harassed Dispatcher
4PM NewsFlash: Canadia's Economy Mysteriously Falters!
Geeky cashier: How are you pay'n for this?
Guy in a hurry: Cash.
Geeky cashier: Like cash, cash?
Guy in a hurry: What?
Best Buy
Newmarket
Ontario, Canadia
12PM Now That Maggie Retired
Customer: You did a wonderful job on your Christmas tree!
Boss: Actually, my staff did all the work.
Staff #1: No, you set the tree up.
Boss: Yes, but you added some ornaments.
Staff #1: Only a few, but I fluffed up the branches so I guess I'm the office fluffer.
Cleveland, Ohio
5PM They'll Be Every Bit As Helpful As I Am
Mail teller: You'll need to call 1-800-USPS. Wait. That doesn't sound right. It must be 1-800-USPS though.
Customer: Okay. Thanks!
Post Office
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: How many digits in a phone number?
11AM Or Just Spit on Them, Like I Did With Your Soup?
Customer: Could you bring some crackers for him? (points to toddler)
Waiter: Sure, do you want me to crumble them up and throw them on the floor for him too?
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
5PM I Assumed You Needed Drugs
Elderly woman: Help me! Help me!
More elderly woman: What do you need?
Elderly woman: I need help!
More elderly woman: Then I can't help you.
Pueblo, Colorado
Overheard by: WorkingForTheElderly
2PM She's Gonna Earn Her Salary Today
Office worker on speakerphone: Hello.
Creepy customer: I was just sitting here eating some creamed corn and thinking about you so I thought that I would give you a call.
Office worker: Please hold and I will transfer you to my supervisor.
1st Avenue
Birmingham, Alabama
10AM In Totally Unrelated News, I'd Like to Request Maid Service
85-year-old client: I've been sick all morning but I'll tell you what: the best way to cure diarrhea is by drinking wine!
Sales manager on phone: Oh... Um... Really?
Hotel
Dulles, Virginia
Overheard by: Rather Disgusted
9AM Mexico: Hey, We Warned You!
CSR, on speakerphone: And where would you like this order shipped?
Secretary: 123 Main St.*, Los Alamos, New Mexico.
CSR : We don't ship out of the country.
Secretary: That's fine, but this address is in the country.
CSR : No, you said to ship it to New Mexico.
Secretary: Yes, New Mexico is a state in the US.
CSR : Sorry, but we can't ship out of the US.
Secretary: Do you have a supervisor I can talk to, please?
[Long pause.]
CSR supervisor: This is Tim. Can I help you?
Secretary: I hope so, Tim. Your employee doesn't seem to understand that New Mexico is a state in the United States, and so refuses to ship me your product.
Supervisor: Well, that's true. We can't ship out of the country. I'm sorry ma'am.
Secretary, raising her voice a little: Have you never even heard of the state of New Mexico? It's one of the big, square ones? It's right between Texas and Arizona? It's one of the 50 United States?
Supervisor: I'm sorry, it's just our policy not to ship out of the US.
Secretary: Tim, let me get this straight. Your company is going to lose a $14,000 order because the people in your customer service department are too moronic to know or comprehend that the state of New Mexico is a part of the United States?
Supervisor: Yes, ma'am. That's our policy.
Secretary, completely exasperated: Well, I guess there's nothing more to be said, is there?
Supervisor: No, ma'am. Have a nice day.
Los Alamos, New Mexico
Overheard by: New Mexican
1PM That's England's Married Name
Manager: This plug adapter is for taking something to the UK.
Woman: I don't know what the UK is. I'm going to England, not the UK.
Pleasanton, California
Overheard by: Stephen
3PM That's a Mannequin, Sir
Manager: What seems to be the problem, sir?
Irate customer: Your employee isn't arguing with me so I can report him to you.
Olympia Sports
Hyannis, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bobby
10AM Would You Like Some Ethnic Slurs With That?
Angry suit on cell: Get me the money or I take your ass to court. I'll take your ass to court.
Barista: Ummm... sir? Can I get you something to drink?
Angry suit on cell: Yes, I'd like a triple mocha. [To cell.] I mean it. I'll sue your ass, you greedy, lying Italian bastard.
Barista: Sir, would you like whipped cream on your mocha?
Angry suit on cell: Like hell you'll get me the money by June. You were supposed to give it to me back in September. [To barista.] Extra whipped cream, thanks.
W Washington St
Ann Arbor, Michigan
3PM Drive-Thru Duty at the Bangalore Call Center Is Lonely Work
Delivery lady, on phone: Okay, what can I get for you?
Customer on the other end: I'd like a medium pepperoni pizza with no sauce and a cherry coke.
Lady, typing on a computer: Okay, a medium pizza with no sauce, just plain cheese, is that correct?
Customer: No. With pepperoni. And a cherry coke.
Lady: Pepperoni... [types again] I'm just pushing all the wrong buttons tonight.
Customer: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Lady: It's one of those days where you just shouldn't have woken up, you know?
Customer: Uh... yeah.
Lady: At least it's almost over though, right?
Customer: ...right....
Lady: So you said you wanted a medium pepperoni pizza, with no sauce, a side of ranch, and a cherry coke?
Customer: No side of ranch.
Lady: Awww, but ranch is good for you!
Customer: ...no ranch, thank you.
Lady: Fine, goodnight. [hangs up phone]
Hanover, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Will
5PM But the Pool Doesn't Receive Any Mail
Pool Owner: Yes, I would like you to close my pool for the winter.
Clerk: Okay, great. Where is the pool located.
Pool Owner: In our backyard.
Clerk: Yes Ma'am I appreciate that since we have never found a permit approved for a front yard pool. Now what is the address of your pool?
Pool Owner: Was that a stupid answer?
Henninger Court
Chantilly, Virginia
Overheard by: SKippyMom
12PM Wouldn't Stop Driving My Hot Rod Lincoln
Woman: I'd like to pay my cell phone bill, but it's in my son's name and I don't have the password to see it online. So, I need to know how much it is.
Employee: You can't pay it without his authorization. I can't tell you how much it is.
Woman: He can't authorize anything, he's incarcerated.
Employee: Well, we'll need a copy of the obituary or the death certificate.
Woman: What? He's incarcerated! [pause] He's in jail.
Employee: Oh.
Frederick, Maryland
3PM The Clerk Used to Work at Starbucks
Customer: I need to get a dozen and a half, mixed.
Clerk, counting on her day-glo orange fingernails: It'd be cheaper if you got 18.
Customer: What's the difference?
Clerk: ten cents.
Smirking customer: Ok, I'll take 18.
Dunkin' Donuts
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: are u kidding me?
1PM PTSD Is Quite Common in the Postal Service
Woman yelling to husband over cell phone, with look of horror in her eyes: *Bob? Bob?!? Bob, are you crying? Are you crying, bob?!? Yes, I need stamps. 100 of them.
University Place
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Studs
12PM And As Stenographers
Publisher rep: This guy did a study on blind men who use prostitutes.
Book buyer: Ok.
Publisher rep, whispering: For sex.
308 Westwood Plaza
Los Angeles, California
5PM But We Play a Mean Accordian
Customer to toddler: Son, you've just learned a valuable lesson that you can use in life -- the men in your family don't dance.
6230 East Speedway Boulevard
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Employee
10AM When They're Driving a Motorboat?
Suit: Okay, so we will have the guy wearing an "I brake for whales" t-shirt?
Client: Are you aware that whales live in the ocean?
Suit: Yes.
Client: How can someone brake for a whale?
Suit: [Silence.]
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Ave Chitenmyhair
9AM Look, Madge, There's Those Two Retarded Customers Again
Woman #1 in line at cafeteria: That one girl never gives out the big portions. She must be cheap.
Woman #2: I know, eh? She seems slow, too. Do you think she's retarded?
Woman #1: Yeah, Down's-lite.
Front Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: nothingsacred
4PM I Replaced Somebody Who Went Looking for It
Customer: Where is the fresh pasta?
Clerk: I don't know. I'm new here, too.
Lompoc, California
Overheard by: Still Searching
11AM Theirs All Goes for, Like, Essentials or Something
Bridezilla-to-be on cell in lounge: ... Yeah, but, like, his family is just so different than ours, Mom! They're lower class and aren't used to spending a lot of money on stuff like that!
Insurance company
Grand Rapids, Michigan
9AM Cashier: You Just Seemed Nice.
Cashier: And may I have your phone number, please?
Lady: What the hell for? You gonna call me up when you're havin' a sale?
Older lady: Hush, Lavinia. This here place is always on sale.
Lady: My point exactly.
Paramus, New Jersey
5PM How "Grow-a-Date" Was Born
Young female manager: Can I get you anything else today, sir?
Man: Yeah, a wife of childbearing age.
Young female manager: Well, I can't help you there, but how about some water?
208 West 72nd Street
New York, New York
12PM With Nuts, Actually
Barista: Would you like this brownie heated up?
Brownie man: I like my brownies like I like my women.
Barista: Dark and covered in chocolate?
Coffee shop
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: agrees with him