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4PM I'm Thinking That Will Taste More Like a Daiquiri
Ghetto customer: My daiquiri tastes like water.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What may I bring you instead?
Ghetto customer: Water.
Dulaney Valley Road
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: shaking my head
4PM But Will It Affect My Tan?
Customer squinting at 'No cell phones' sign: Why do we have to turn off our cell phones? What happens if you use them in the tanning bed?
Tanning consultant: You'll die.
222 Plaza, 5th Street Highway
Pennsylvania
9AM Could You at Least Connect Me to I.C. Weiner?
Call center agent: I'm sorry, but for international calls, you'll have to contact your zero operator for information.
Customer: You can't help me?
Call center agent: No, I only provide listings in North America.
Customer: What?
Call center agent: I am a 4-1-1 operator. You need the zero operator.
Customer: What's the difference?
Call center agent, sighing: The zero operator can help you. I cannot.
Customer: So you're useless?
Call center agent: In this case, I am completely useless to you, yes.
Customer, to friend in same room: Hahahaha! She admitted she was useless!
Call center agent: [Slooow exhale.]
Kitchener, Ontario
Canadia
9AM The Company Requires Me to Invoke the Snooze-You-Lose Provision
Customer: I didn't realize that I was eligible for this discount!
CSR: Well, we talk about the discount right on the cover letter.
Customer: Well, it's not right on the application!
CSR: We can't put it on the application, but sir, it's right there in the second paragraph of the cover letter.
Customer: But some of us are lazy and don't read the cover letter!
CSR: I'm not trying to be rude, but we can't help it if you don't read what we send you.
181 West Madison Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Under Citizenship, Just Put 'Good'
Auditioning guy: So, what should I put down for 'Citizenship'?
Casting intern #1: Were you born in the United States?
Auditioning guy: Yes.
Casting intern #1: Then put down that you're a U.S. citizen.
Auditioning guy: Does it matter that I moved to Oregon for eight months?
Casting intern #1: Did you really just--
Casting intern #2, cutting him off: --No, it doesn't matter.
MTV dating show auditions
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Liz
2PM Only Their Buffalo, Unfortunately
Shuttle driver: ... So I married a girl from Wyoming.
Customer: Well, at least they shave there.
Hotel
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: confused front desk girl
11AM Now Hop on One Foot While I Take Your Wallets
Inspirational speaker: The left side of the brain in charge of your creative process, so when you don't feel inspired, take a deep breath closing your right nostril with your finger so all the air goes only and directly to the left side of your brain...
Audience, while inhaling as told: Wow...
Miami, Florida
3PM Last Time You Killed a Photo Booth Chick, You Had to Serve Six Whole Months of a Life Sentence
Clerk: I'm sorry, ma'am, but these photos are professional. There's no way I could let you print these without a release form.
Customer, angry: If I didn't just get out of prison, I would through such a fit!
Mother: Just calm down and walk away.
Cleveland, Ohio
11AM Much Easier to Swallow Than Madonna
Cashier: Will this be all?
Lady: I also want one Kabbalah. [Cashier looks at her, puzzled.] This dessert [points into case].
Cashier: Baklava, ma'am.
Port of Piraeus Café, 13th Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM Superhero Question Man Had Trouble Making Friends
Customer: Hi! Are you a horticulturalist?
Clerk: Yes.
Customer: Were is your washroom?
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Counter Guy
1PM Did We Get Married and Nobody Told Me?
Customer: And I want Reese's with that. Not a lot, but more than the normal amount, but not too much.
Ice cream artist: Okay...?
Ice cream place, Champlain Drive and Shepherd Avenue
Fresno, California
Overheard by: Just Another Ice Cream Maker
11AM I'd Almost Rather Go with Extensions
Suburban housewife: So, then she explained to me what a Brazilian wax was, and I was like, 'I don't know...'
Salon
Dunwoody, Georgia
Overheard by: Ang
9AM After the Dessert, She Said, "Thank You, Sir, May I Have Another?"
Elegant old lady, as waiter comes around: ... I could say the same thing about S&M, but no. There's nothing wrong with S&M! [Waiter looks at her, aghast, and then starts laughing.] Oh... Um, I'll have the hazelnut gelato.
Elegant old male companion: And don't forget the whip!
Cafe Dante, MacDougal Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Me
10AM What Else Is Available in the Nation's Capital?
Customer: ... And it's Miss Jameson*, not 'missus.' Why does everyone always assume you're married to some asshole?
801 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
10AM What Do They Expect at a Snail Salon?
Large customer lady: I leave a big puddle... That's how people know I've been here!
Melbourne
Australia
5PM Like All the Terrorists Have Agreed to Do
Older gentleman at counter: So, if my application is approved for the remote entry program, I can enter the U.S. after hours?
Customs officer: Yes, sir.
Older gentleman: But what's with this border passport requirement?
Customs officer, uncomfortable: The remote entry pass is for when the port is closed, sir. You will still need a passport to enter when we are open.
Customs office, Northern Border
1PM But Don't You Need to Know My Lineage?
Caller: Yes, I would like to confirm my reservation for tonight. My surname is Tango Anglo-Saxon, Newfoundland--
Receptionist: Um, sir, you lost me at 'Tango.' Can I just have the first three letters of your last name?
Kinzie and State Streets
Chicago, Illinois
2PM With No Yeast?
Employee: Hi! Can I help you?
Woman: Can I have a six-inch BLT on Italian?
Employee: I'm sorry, we're out of Italian.
Woman: Can I just have white bread?
Employee: That's the same as Italian.
Woman: Do you have plain bread?
13600 Solomons Island Road
Solomons, Maryland
Overheard by: I hate Jared.
2PM Urge to Know Fading... Fading...
Library patron: Can you help me? I don't remember how to turn the computers on.
Employee: Well, this one's already on, see? [Wiggles mouse to activate screen.]
Library patron: Oh... What about this one? I don't like that one.
Employee: Well, this one's off, so I'll turn it on [presses power button].
Library patron: Ah, so they each have a little trick. What about this one? [Proudly swishes mouse.]
Employee, frustrated: No, see, if the green light is off, then you press the button.
Library patron: Whatever you say...
130 Wall Street
New Haven, Connecticut
5PM That's the Last Time I Try Barium As a Weight-Loss Drink
Librarian: Your card is locked because there appears to be ketchup or chocolate milk all over this book you returned. You have to pay for a replacement.
Patron: It's vomit. I don't do chocolate milk.
Librarian: You still have to pay.
Public library
Park Ridge, New Jersey
Overheard by: Part Time Librarian
1PM No.
Customer: Can I have one of these items that is in a box?
Employee: Of course [retrieves item].
Customer: Can you check to make sure it isn't broken?
Employee: No problem! [Cuts tape and opens box.]
Customer: Great! Now, can I have one that hasn't been opened?
670 University Avenue
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island
Canadia
Overheard by: Shaking Head in Disbelief
3PM In and Out of the Side Pockets
Boss: He can work the balls so nicely. In both directions.
Baltimore, Maryland
11AM I Think We Can Do Even Better
Lady customer: I need a phone that'll work all year -- all three hundred sixty-two days.
Electronics store
California
Overheard by: Stephen
10AM Tell Them Under No Circumstances Will Their Demands Be Met
Crazy woman at front desk: I will not be a slave to my teeth!
1685 Main Street
Santa Monica, California
5PM Seems No One Is Safe from the Quality-Control Spies
Customer: Do you have a copy machine?
CSR: Um, no... This is a book store.
Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.
CSR: We sell books.
Customer: But I don't want to buy it, I just want to copy it.
CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.
Customer: But I'm here now, and I want to copy this book.
CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.
Customer: I think that's illegal. I'd like to report you to your manager.
Book store
Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: Michelle
1PM Dogs Seem to Prefer the Varsoviana
Customer: If you come across a strange dog, you have to look like you're dancing. Otherwise it'll attack you.
Tyler, Texas
12PM Contempt-Resistant Plastic Coming Right Up
Bagger: What kind of bag would you like?
Dismissive shopper: You pick. I haven't been here in a while, so I don't know what the options are.
7504 Aurora Avenue North
Seattle, Washington
11AM Would You Like to Adopt Me?
Employee: Can I have your first and last name?
Customer: I don't have one.
715 Jefferson Street
Wausau, Wisconsin
9AM If You Know What I'm Saying
Female customer: You know, Walt Disney was afraid of mouses.
Friend: Yeah, he also had one in his house.
501 West Lincoln Trail Boulevard
Radcliff, Kentucky
5PM I'll Connect You with the Delphic Oracle
Manager answering phone: XYZ Company*. Can I help you?
Caller: Accounts Receivable, please.
Manager: Do you have a general billing question or is this regarding a specific invoice?
Caller: Exactly.
Manager: [Silence.]
1306 Dahlgren Avenue
Washington, DC
9AM When the Original Stanley Died, I Got His Name Tag
Customer: ... And before I go, can I get your name, Stanley*?
Stanley, the salesman: Um... Well, it's... Stanley.
Canton, Michigan
9AM Keeps Trying to Have the Bakery Slice Her Dog
Assistant manager: Ma'am, you can't bring that puppy in here. We're going to have to ask you to leave.
Lady carrying puppy: What? It's a goddamn puppy! Suck my dick!
Assistant manager: You're going to have to leave.
Lady carrying puppy, leaving: Fuck you, bitches!
Assistant manager, cheerfully: Goodbye! Shop again!
7747 Mall Road
Florence, Kentucky
3PM Certainly, Sir -- Are You Considering Suicide or Simply Alcoholic?
Man at music counter: Do you happen to have 'The Wreck of the F. Scott Fitzgerald'?
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Bearphan
2PM Dad? Dad!
Old man: An hour I'm waiting here! What's the point in making appointments if they make you wait?
Middle-aged son: What's your hurry, Dad? You have no place else to go.
Old man: That's not the point! When they make an appointment they should take you in at that time!
Middle-aged son: Hey, Dad, that's why they call it a 'waiting room.' See all these people? They all have appointments, too.
Old man: When I see that doctor I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.
Middle-aged son: I wouldn't do that if I were you, Dad. One little injection and they'll carry you out of here dead, and nobody's gonna ask why a 91-year-old man died suddenly.
Doctor's waiting room
Rockville Centre, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM I Once Was Lost, but Now Am TBD
24-year-old hotel suit: Excuse me, sir, can I help you find something?
Meeting attendee, wandering around: Yes! Where is room TBD?!
Fancy hotel
Rosemont, Illinois
Overheard by: Jaw dropping in disbelief
2PM I've Got 99
Customer: Can you direct me to the problems office please?
Receptionist: The problems office? I've never heard of them.
Customer: Oh... Maybe they closed down...
Receptionist: What kind of problems did they solve?
Customer: Any kind of problems!
Receptionist: Am I able to help?
Customer: Nah...I'll just come back another time.
Gold Coast
Australia
Overheard by: Cam
3PM It's a Free-Range Office
Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Manager: Well, that depends on where you're coming from.
Client: Oh, really? How does that work?
Huntington, New York
4PM I Thought I Told You Never to Call Here Again
Caller: That's 'A' as in 'elbow'...
400 Main Street
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Bewildered
5PM They're Bringing the Hat with a Buckle Back
Old hag customer: Isn't that one of those pilgrims from just South of here? She's ugly as sin.
Bimbette clerk: Oh my god! There are still pilgrims alive? And they live there? That explains so much about the Indian reservation being just down the road.
562 East Main Street
Louisville, Mississippi
Overheard by: Doesn't Work There Anymore
3PM The Odds Are Against It
Customer: Do you guys have any rooms available?
Front desk: No, sir. Unfortunately, we are completely sold out. If you like, I can give you the number of a few hotels in the area that have availability.
Customer, leaving and giving the finger: Does it look like I have a goddamn phone on me?
Front desk: I'd be more than happy to call them for you, sir.
Customer: Fuck you.
Front desk: Okay, sir. Have a wonderful night.
Elmira, New York
10AM Make Sure They Put It in a Box
Pizza worker: Hello, XYZ Pizza* -- will this be for pick up or delivery?
Customer: Delivery, but we will come in to pay for it.
Pizza worker: Pardon me? Do you want your order delivered or will you pick it up?
Customer, to someone in background: Do you want to just pick the food up if we are going in there anyways? [Into phone] I guess we will pick the food up.
Lackawanna, New York
3PM I Wanted to Talk to the Organized Crime Strike Force First
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to call 4-1-1 for that number.
Customer: Who should I ask for?
Receptionist: What company are you looking for?
Customer: National Association of Pizza Deliverers*.
Receptionist: Um, then that's who you should ask for.
Washington, DC
3PM Exactly Why I Asked
Passenger: What time does the five o'clock bus leave?
Bus driver, sarcastically: I don't know.
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Another bus driver
3PM I'd Like to Pay for It with Monopoly Money
Customer: Do you have The Odyssey in the original Latin?
Haste Street and Telegraph Avenue
Berkeley, California
4PM We Look Forward to Serving You, Governor Schwarzenegger
Hotel guest: I started taking that Trimspa about a month ago. I haven't lost any weight, but my chest is huge!
State and Division Street
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara G
9AM Their Business Model Is Predicated on It
Customer on phone: The plug won't fit!
IA rep: It's okay, sir. I just need to confirm that the first device plugged into our router is either a firewall or a computer.
Customer on phone: They... They just won't connect!
IA rep: We're looking for an Ethernet line. Is there an Ethernet line coming out of the router? Make sure not to plug or unplug anything. It will take down your voice, too.
Customer on phone: It's some telephone thingy... Oh, wait! This cord might work-- [click].
IA rep: We got another one.
4800 Concentric Boulevard
Saginaw, Michigan
11AM Show 'em How an American Works Himself to Death
American client: Aren't we supposed to receive last month's results soon?
French staffer: Normally, yes, but Easter was only last Sunday.
American client: So?
French staffer: Well, it means we're only in the first week of a two-week holiday. So everything will be ready in three weeks.
American client: What? Do those fucking socialist dicksippers really have two weeks off for Easter?! You know, when I retire I'm going to work in France.
125 West 55th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jean val Jean