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1PM It'll Be the Best Thing on C-SPAN This Week
Vet examining dog with anal abscess: All this dog needs is an hour alone with its butt and its tongue.
Washington, DC
3PM Trenton, but Close Enough
Doctor to patient with teardrop tattoo under eye: That's a pretty cool tattoo. Where'd you get it?
Patient, uneasily: Uh... At this place I used to stay.
Doctor: That wouldn't be jail, would it?
Patient: Maybe...
Hospital
Newark, New Jersey
Overheard by: this guy
5PM I Always Fall for That One
ER nurse #1: No, she wouldn't let us. I've been trying for 20 minutes.
ER doctor: Well, then she needs to understand that we can't establish the assault if we can't get to the evidence.
ER nurse #1: I don't think she cares. I mean, she wanted me to smell her underwear!
ER nurse #2: What? Did you?
ER nurse #1: Yeah. It didn't help.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
1PM It Comes and Goes
Patient: I'm worried about this birthmark.
Doctor: Birthmark, you say? How long have you had it?
Portland, Oregon
1PM But First I Want Them to Pay
Young woman: Do you want your patients to die?
Older woman: Well, that would be one approach.
Rochester, New York
2PM Not to Get Bogged Down in Technical Lingo...
Staff doctor to resident: You did a pelvic and you didn't charge for it? Girl, if you look at the coochie you gotta charge for it!
2955 Farnam Street
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Yes, Always. Why Do You Ask?
Doctor: Women come into my office at least once a month and completely lose it -- blubbering all over the place. I had one in here today.
Wife: Are they married?
Chandler, Arizona
Overheard by: Office Manager
11AM You Know Something Is Happening but You Don't Know What It Is, Do You, Dr. Stewart?
Announcer on PA system: Dr. Stewart*, please call 5-5-2-0; Dr. Stewart, 5-5-2-0.
Dr. Stewart, over the PA system a few minutes later: Whomever needed Dr. Stewart, I don't know who you are and I didn't hear that number, so call me at-- [pause]. Oh, shit, I don't know what number this is. Wait... Okay, so just page me again with that number... [Pause] You mean everyone can hear me? Fuck.
Arizona
Overheard by: Seriously glad I'm not his patient
5PM Patient: Hey! It's Damn Cold in This Paper Gown
Physician: What can you tell me about this X-ray?
Student: It's a male pelvis with two fractures.
Physician: It's shaped like a male pelvis, but it's not.
Student: How can you tell?
Physician: The lack of a penis outline on the X-ray helps.
Emergency Room, University of Kansas Hospital
Kansas City, Kansas
Overheard by: Stifling the Laugh
5PM He Whizzed Through Med School
Doctor: Who is that?
Assistant: It's Dr. Smith, he wants to know if you are going to the meeting.
Doctor: What, I can't go to the bathroom first? Tell 'em I'm peeing.
York Ave
New York, New York
Overheard by: the other assistant
2PM Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She's been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, "How are you today?" I said, "Huh? Oh, I'm fine!" Maybe it's the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we're weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Psychiatrist: She's only been on it one day. That wouldn't really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that's not... Celexa... I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M-16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
11AM But I Play One on TV
M.D. #1: Hey, look! They named their kid Babygirl!
M.D. #2: No way, that's hilarious!
Janitor: Actually, it just means they haven't named their child yet and that it's a baby girl.
M.D. #1: Are you a doctor?
M.D. #2: I bet he's not even a doctor.
Janitor: [walks away]
GroupHealth Cooperative
Lacey, Washington
Overheard by: lauren
4PM In This Month's New England Journal of Medicine: 'Insurance Forms and the Placebo Effect'
Doctor #1: So I called him when he didn't show up for his visit and told him I was waiting for him. He told me that he came, signed in, filled out the insurance paperwork, answered some questions, then left and went home.
Doctor #2: What an idiot. Don't people realize that when you have a doctor's appointment, you're actually supposed to go in to see the doctor?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Moron
11AM They'll Never Guess You're Tara Reid Just by Looking at You
Doctor, to patient: Well, if you just don't tell them who you are, you won't have that problem.
7950 West Mississippi Avenue
Lakewood, Colorado
Overheard by: LAP
2PM Which Almost Explains the French Maid Uniform
Female patient: I just noticed your ID badge. That's a great picture of you.
Paramedic: Oh, yeah, thank you. You should see my driver's license photo. I wore a priest's outfit for that one.
6500 Excelsior Boulevard
St. Louis Park, Minnesota
Overheard by: Rod Backer
3PM Mine Shoots Way Up When People Chew on My Nipples
Patient: So how is your blood pressure?
Dentist: Oh, it's just fine. Thanks.
Dentist winces.
Dentist: Except when people bite my finger. When people bite my finger, it shoots way, way up.
105 Terrebonne Road
Grafton, Virginia
1PM Lunch
Physical Therapist: How are you today?
Patient: No good.
Physical Therapist: That's too bad. Why not?
Patient: Because I would rather eat my own foot off than talk to you.
275 South 5th Avenue
Pocatello, Idaho
1PM Lunch
Doctor #1: I always say, "Carrots are like sandpaper for the colon."
Doctor #2: Yeah, see, most people I know just eat them.
1500 East Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
9AM Doctor's Appointment
Doctor: Did you put the drugs in the drug room?
Nurse: No! I can't find where they are supposed to go. Every time I try and find the drugs in that room I want to kill somebody!
Doctor: Please don't. We shouldn't be killing any more patients anyway.
250 West Bridge Street
Dublin, Ohio
11AM Cancel Doctor's Appt.
Mental Health Advisor: He's crazy. He's gone off his meds because he thinks the doctors are trying to shrink his penis.
240 Calhoun Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
5PM Don't Ask Him Why His Cell is Off
User: If you don't turn my cell phone back on today, I'll tell the families of my patients and their lawyers that you are responsible for the patient's death, because I couldn't be reached!
Call center operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician...
310 W. Bakerview Road
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Josh Sinnett
12AM I Have the List Right Here
Distracted doctor: What did you say you inserted into her vagina?
1500 E. Medical Center Drive
Ann Arbor, Michigan
4PM "How do I get this straw out of my nose?!"
Doctor on phone: A drug test? OK, so how much coke did you do? And you wanna know what?
232 East 20th Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Robert Spychala
12AM Over-hurt in the Office
Receptionist: Doc, there is no code for abnormal ejaculation. I looked under Abnormal & under Ejaculation. Nuthin'.
Doctor: Gimme the book.
Receptionist: What's his problem? Minute man?
Doctor: Check under "retrograde".
Receptionist: What does that mean? Too fast?
Doctor: Broken. He doesn't ejaculate at all. Can't.
838 Pelhamdale Ave
New Rochelle, NY
Overheard by: Lucky
