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9AM But I've Significantly Cut Back on the Nicotine Gum
Jittery editor, using nicotine inhaler: This thing is great. It really works.
Reporter: How long has it been since your last cigarette?
Jittery editor: Oh, I'm still smoking, too.
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
4PM And That's the Way It Is
Anchor writing newscast: I don't care about the poisoned Russian. Just give me the bong!
CBS Broadcast Center
New York, New York
9AM Needless to Say, I'll Never Eat Government Cheese Again
Editrix: I remember a time at this company when someone would say there was free food, and I'd go get some. It didn't matter what it was -- I ate it because it was free.
Scheduler: Sounds like a dark time.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
Overheard by: Writer guy
10AM This Job Sucks -- I Quit!
Reporter #1: So, I was interviewing her about what she was going to do next, and she said she hoped she'd just get, you know, a Joe Blow job.
Reporter #2: You're not going to put that in the story, are you?
Reporter #3: Where can I find this Joe?
149 Penn Avenue
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I just work here
5PM I Don't Have to Imagine. Wait, Did I Say That out Loud?
Editor #1 watching CNN: Can you imagine how hot JonBenet would be by now?
Editor #2: What?
333 N Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
12PM Dead Men Tells no Tales, Says I
Designer: It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day!
Writer: I know.
Designer: You already knew? And you didn't tell me? I should smack you.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
9AM First They Came for the Trans-Fats and I Didn't Speak up
Writer: 'Portly' sounds cute. Sounds like a nice, bald, fat man in a three-piece suit.
Designer: 'Portly' sounds like someone with grease stains on their shirt from dropping a piece of chicken.
Writer: That's not 'portly!' That's obese!
Designer: What's the difference?
Writer: Obese is like those Subway ads before Jared lost his weight. When he was all wild-eyed and savage. Clothes all stretched out, nothing laundered, brimming with Big Macs and Crisco sandwhiches.
Designer: They should outlaw Crisco. Just straight out make it a crime.
Writer: Yeah.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM Your Testimony Is Highly Suspect
Designer: Here, just try it.
Writer: No.
Designer: Come on! Why are you being so stubborn?
Writer, shouting: I am not putting that in my mouth! It's all limp!
Pause.
Writer, shouting into hallway: I was talking about French fries!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
5PM It's Either That or Get One of Those Helper Monkeys
Editor #1: I have finger toes.
Photographer: You mean like long and bony?
Editor #1: Yeah, I can, like, pick stuff up with them.
Editor #2: Do you pinch people with them?
Editor #1: Yeah. I always pinch [my wife]. She hates it.
Editor #2: God is just preparing you for when you lose your arms.
333 North Meridian
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
10AM I Quit, Asshole!...I Think It's a Jelly Glazed, But I Can't Tell For Sure.
Division chief: Why are you wearing a visitor pass? What happened to your badge?
Editor: Hey, fuck you, I brought in donuts!
Division chief: How dare you talk to me like that...Is that a Boston Cream?
Pentagon, 48 North Rotary Road
Arlington, Virginia
4PM How About 'Don't You Wish Your Savior Was Hot Like Me'?
Blocked writer: Do you know how hard it is to write a useful, edifying sermon when you've got "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" stuck in your head?
1701 Delancey
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Anne-Cara
11AM Over Six Million Sold
Copywriter: How about 'Widget* is your final solution for packaging needs'?
Copyeditor: I think we should use any other description.
Copywriter: Why? Does it not make sense?
Copyeditor: Only if you're not talking about the Holocaust.
4th and Congress
Austin, Texas
3PM What Does He Think the Mad Cows Eat?
Editor, looking at ad for "Summer Garden Madness": Why is everything "madness"? There's nothing "madness" about a basket of vegetables.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: angry carrot
10AM Copyright Infringement
Lawyer: So you actually filed a copyright application?
Creative director: Oh, no, we just slapped a circle "c" after everything.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
12PM Lunch
Proofreader: I have a totally exciting life . . . I think it's why I eat so much candy.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
3PM Research Issue
Proofreader #1: Is this a word?
Proofreader #2: No.
Proofreader #1: Then what is it?
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
1PM Editorial Meeting
Editor: It's not chaos theory, it's fractions.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
4PM Ad Meeting
Copywriter: Wow, a list of fictional diseases. Hey, look at this: "Watson's disease."
Art Director: Is it an elementary disease?
Level 11, Menara IGB
Mid Valley City, Lingkaran Syed Putra
59200 Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
9AM Back to Work
Marketing Manager: Hey, so welcome back! First day at work with your new boobs, huh?
Writer: No, it would appear the same old ones still work here.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM Lunch
Supervising Editor: That's why I hate bananas. They're just too unpredictable.
2 Penn Plaza
New York, NY
9AM Back to Work
Editor #1: Should we tell the author we lost that whole section of the manuscript?
Editor #2: No, let's not announce that we're incompetent.
Editor #1: Yeah, let's let it be a surprise.
8700 Shoal Creek Boulevard
Austin, Texas
12PM Restock Cabinet
Magazine Editor: Can you help me? I think the stapler's broken...See it's broken because it doesn't have any staples.
350 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Reports Due at Printer
Editor: We don't have time to review the files. Have the vendors send their files directly to the printer. At this point, we're approving crap.
8787 Orion Place
Columbus, Ohio
12PM Production Meeting
Project Manager: I'm working on Chronic Constipation and should be done with it later today. How is Ulcerative Colitis coming along?
Multimedia Developer: Good. Should have it for you tomorrow for review. What's up with Vaginal Discharge?
3339 Ward Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
4PM Department Meeting
Designer: Have you seen [Dustin] around?
Writer: Nope.
Designer: Hmm. I haven't checked his office yet.
312 Plum Street
Cincinnati, Ohio
10AM Arrange Car for Mr. Wonder
Publicist: It was amazing. Stevie could do everything. He could leave his apartment, go to the elevator, everything.
Proofer: Wow. He didn't even need a cane?
Publicist: Of course not; he's not that old.
1438 North Gower Street
Los Angeles, California
3PM Coffee Break
Copywriter: Were you looking for me?
Designer: Sorry?
Copywriter: Before, when I was in that meeting...it looked like you were looking for me.
Designer: Ah...Where I walked over, sighed, and declared "Tragedy"; I was actually looking for the coffee. The window to your meeting room just happened to be behind the machine. You guys have better coffee than our side.
12655 Beatrice Street
Los Angeles, California
1PM Lunch
Writer: What the heck is going on with you?
Designer: Why?
Writer: Because I messaged you like three times.
Designer: Oh. I didn't see it.
Writer: Thank god I wasn't sending you my suicide note.
Designer: You would do that through Yahoo!?
Writer: I don't know. Maybe. Is it too informal?
Designer: Kind of. I mean like print it out or something. Then somebody could drop it in my box.
Writer: What font would I even use?
16430 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Miel
1PM Lunch
Editor: Doesn't seem like three years since those nuns went to prison.
501 North Calvert Street
Baltimore, Maryland
3PM Smoke Break
Business Officer: You remember when I told you that?
Editor: No, I was drunk at the time.
409 Prospect Street
New Haven, Connecticut
11AM Finalize Mailing
Editor #1: Did you check these names religiously?
Editor #2: Yeah, he's praying they're all right.
2 Holt Steet
Surry Hills, New South Wales
Australia
11AM Finalize Campaign
Marketer: There's nothing sexy about turkey.
Writer: No.
Marketer: What about, "Need a way to keep from stuffing yourself? Go have an orgasm!"
8885 Venice Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM They're Doing the Voices Already
Manager: How dare you besmirch my good name and then saunter into my office as though nothing was said? Out, out infidel!
Writer: Oh...that's just how I roll.
650 Technology Park
Lake Mary, Florida
1PM Lunch
Copywriter: I was accosted by a woman with a French accent at the mall at lunch today.
Art Director: Really? How odd.
Copywriter: Yeah, she buffed my nails and I purchased her product. Only now am I remembering the accent as being fake.
Art Director: I had a run in with the cops over lunch.
930 South Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
3PM Coffee Break
Sports editor: I think you need to apologize for that.
Opinion editor: Okay, but you need to meet me halfway. I'm sorry for hitting you, but you need to apologize for existing.
5211 Old Charlotte Highway
Monroe, North Carolina
9AM Another Week Begins
Engineer: Don't kill anyone.
Tech Writer: Can I maim them?
Engineer: Yeah. If you maim them you seem like more of a team player.
1550 Buckeye Drive
Milpitas, California
1PM Think of It Less as Creation and More as Intelligent Design
Art Director: We had another "captain literal" sighting in a client
meeting today. People are stupid.
Copywriter: Be less creative. It always works for me.
930 S. Calhoun Street
Fort Wayne, Indiana
5PM You've Got All Weekend to Find One, Folks
Editor #1: I don't know why that French reporter couldn't find a transgendered person. It's not like transgendered people are a rare species that you can't find anywhere.
Editor #2: Maybe she didn't know where to look.
Editor #1: What do you mean, "where to look"? Transgendered people are everywhere.
487 Greenwich Street
New York, NY
7AM Hell Hath No Fury Like a Reporter Spurned
Reporter: We can't give Gary an award.
Copy editor: Why not? You know, if it's the best story and he was here during that month...
Reporter: What, we're going to give him a posthumous award?
Copy editor: You know, Gary's not dead.
Reporter: He is to me!
189 W. Main Street
Spartanburg, South Carolina
Overheard by: W. Texas Mike
12AM Check to See If That Twenty was Rolled
Editor: Oh, get me a cinnamon roll too. Here's a twenty.
Reporter: A twenty? The only people that have money in the middle of the week are drug dealers.
169 West Nepessing Street
Lapeer, Michigan
8AM Ask Me Again After 6 More Beers
Editor: How funny do you think alcoholism is?
12 W. 27th Street
New York, NY
4PM Ask a Hippie to Explain
Editor: I was going to go to that show last night but I got distracted.
Production Assistant: Why?
Editor: It was 4/20, man!
Production Assistant: That's mature.
1515 Broadway
New York, NY
12AM Interviewing Porn Stars is Always Complicated
Editor #1: He said he had a big one.
Editor #2: Big what?
Editor #1: Brain!
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
