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12PM But All It Said Was "Please Remember to Recycle"
Female sales exec: Did you get that e-mail I sent you?
Male sales exec: Yeah.
Female sales exec: What'd you think?
Male sales exec: I'd give it a 90 percent.
Female sales exec: What made you take 10 off?
Male sales exec: It didn't say anything about Jesus being the savior. I mean, that's why we celebrate Christmas. You can't have Christmas without Easter.
Female sales exec: Oh.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: So I can't call it Xmas?
1PM Um, All I Asked Was, "What's My Total?"
50-year-old woman cashier to customer: ... And then I had to chase them with my pants down, and I hadn't even gotten the chance to wipe yet!
17111 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
10AM Why Vacations Were Invented
Suit dancing with self through cubicles: Hubba, hubba! Ding, ding! I dance like a washing machine!
Cottonwood Lane
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: I don't dance at all...
10AM Can the Other Driver Sue for Slander? Discuss.
Cabbie yelling out window to guy who cut him off: Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! [Gets out at red light, walks to offender's car, points his butt at and simulates farting on the car, then gets back into cab and yells out window again.] You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee!
Outside White Plains train station
New York
Overheard by: ccampoll
2PM I'm Not Crazy
Loud office chick: Oh, I always used to eat paper! But not, like, toilet paper. Like, notebook paper.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
5PM And the Makeup Sex Is to Die For
Guest speaker: Domestic violence is hot.
Berkeley, California
10AM That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You're Sleeping
Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven't heard back.
Cop: Well, ma'am, we've been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I'm sorry -- orange alert?
Cop: Ma'am, we're in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: ... You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
11AM To What Extent Are You Her?
Old, crazy worker lady: Hey, what department do you work in?
New girl: I work in XYZ department*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, what do you do there?
New girl: I'm an assistant.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, you're a lawyer?
New girl: No, I'm an assistant. My name's Erin Murray*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, Erin Murray! Oh, I know her -- I'm a big fan of her work.
South Carolina
Overheard by: stuck in sc
11AM I've Been Doing Enough Yoga That It's Physically Possible
Office girl in stall: Fuck this! Fuck you, uterus! I'll kick your ass!
16th Street
Tempe, Arizona
5PM What Gall He Has
Office manager in transplant center, slamming down phone: How dare he call me about heart when I have liver all over my desk?!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
12PM Where Peek Freans Come From
Cube monkey: My brain is unlike that of any mortal! It consists of witchcraft, spells, and ideas for pastries that the world has yet to see!
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
5PM Now, Does Jesus Say That Every Time We Have Communion?
Crazy ER patient: I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord!
Monotone nurse #1, taking vitals: Blood pressure, 150 over 80... Pulse, 110.
Nurse #2: Yes, yes, but does he believe in the Lord?
Monotone nurse #1: Haha. Hold him. [Jabs crazy patient with a needle.]
Crazy ER patient: I believe in-- Aaauuugh! You bitch!
Nurse #2: What about the Lord?
Crazy ER patient: Auuugh! Stop taking my blood, you bitch!
Colorado
Overheard by: TK
10AM He's Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion
Man in armchair, to no one: You're always fuckin' starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I'm not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I'm sick... Read a goddamn newspaper! There's child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they're fighting over her baby, and you tell me I'm sick?!
Book store
Greece, New York
Overheard by: confused reader
2PM Um, Hmmm -- Mood Elevators? Second Floor
Sales lady: Hello.
Crazy lady: Don't you talk to me! You don't know me! We don't know each other! You have no right to talk to me!
Rochester, Minnesota
Overheard by: Katie
1PM Got My Eye on the Prettiest Little Vireo
Driver piercing long silence on radio, to no one in particular: If I wasn't a human, I'd be one o' them cow birds. [Other drivers agree.]
227 Business Route 96
Buna, Texas
Overheard by: Angel
2PM That's When I Remember I Have Super Powers
Guy: This is about the time where I start feeling... not right. Like there's something flowing through my body other than blood.
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM And He Sees Me As a Kind of Alien Cafeteria Lady
Crazy dog lady: Ajax was running around in the shower this morning and chasing the water. It was so cute!
Coworker: He was in the shower with you?
Crazy dog lady: Yes. He needs to get clean. He has a white coat and he gets so dirty.
Coworker: You took a shower with your dog? Were you naked? Ewww...
Crazy dog lady: What? He was dirty!
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM Or a Glitch in the Matrix?
Writer muttering to himself: Do I have the hiccups? Do I actually have the hiccups? Is that actually what's happening to me?
Renton, Washington
10AM I've Never Felt So Free -- or So Brittle
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina...
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
5PM Henrietta Learns That a "Body Shaper" Is Just a Girdle in Disguise
Large woman: You just watch out. I'm going to come over there and squeeze you the way they squeeze me.
30th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
10AM Some Adages Just Don't Translate to English Very Well
Peon: It still wouldn't look like soup to me, even if the dog was swirly.
143 South Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
4PM I'm Having No Trouble Suspending My Disbelief
Cube dweller: I can't believe I haven't taken a shower in a week. You can't tell, can you?
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: GeBuJuJu
10AM To Prevent Monkey-Deficiency Anemia
Cube dweller: I think you just need to eat more monkey...
731 Fairfield Court
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: it actually made sense at the time
3PM It's the Tragedy of the Human Condition
Office grunt: Sometimes you get a hole in your bag and you lose your chicken.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day
Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.
Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie
4PM But I Was Busy Refilling Clarissa
Coworker staring at beeping microwave: I heard you the first time, Fran.
220 West 3rd Street
Denver, Colorado
2PM Also Like the Pound
Guy in crowded elevator that smells like disinfectant: Have you ever been to jail? It smells like jail in here.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: No, I never have
1PM Sheriff, Any Idea Why This Boy Would Brutally Murder His Mother?
Baby mama to friend: These little boy clothes is so cute! If I have a boy I am going to name him D'jon, 'cause I love mustard!
Baby Gap
Towson, Maryland
9AM The Things We Underwear-Users Take for Granted
Old lady on cell: Well, I went commando once, but the whole day I was just super paranoid. What if it got flies in it or something?
3501 Quail Springs Parkway
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM Yeahhh, Definitely Need My Smoothie. Yeahhh
Chick: A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. As long as I have my smoothie, I'm okay. Smoothie -- okay. No smoothie -- not okay.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
10AM I Haven't Been Near a Moon for Years
Old guy unzipping at urinal: The eagle has landed.
Guy at other urinal: What does that mean?
Old guy: I don't know.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: guy at urinal #4
1PM Why the New York-Ohio Worker Exchange Program Fell Apart
Elderly customer: I'd also like a two-liter of Coke.
20-something cashier, smiling: Certainly.
Elderly customer: You know, I really like your demeanor and attitude.
20-something cashier: Up yours, old man.
Elderly customer: [Stunned silence.]
20-something cashier: Have a nice day!
6780 Goshen Road
Goshen, Ohio
Overheard by: Delivery Expert
12PM Why There Are So Many Therapists
Child in stall: Mommy, where does that hole go?
Mother: It's not a hole, it's a pipe, and it goes to where the child-catcher lives. Now hurry up!
601 West Peace Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
4PM 2000 Years Old and Still a Virgin
Holy roller #1: He has a Jesus hat on. He looks really WT today.
Holy roller #2: Praise him.
Holy roller #1: Is that his wife? I think it is.
Holy roller #2: 'Thin-lipped, snake handling Jesus freaks,' I can hear her shrieking already. I wonder if they speak in tongues... Durka durka blah blah burble burble...
Holy roller #1: That's what it sounded like. Here they come...
Holy roller #2: I can feel the holy spirit oozing out of her. I'll bet she smells like Jesus.
Holy roller #1: Totally.
757 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM I'm Not Sure, Doctor
Man: Oooh, whatever was on my finger tasted good! I wonder what it was...
Dallas, Texas
1PM No Police Tape This Time?
Boss: So, how was everybody's weekend?
Mother of the year, proudly: I got so drunk at my daughter's sixth birthday party that I passed out on the couch at three p.m. I think my husband kept an eye on all the kids, but either way, everyone was gone when I woke up at 5:30.
Lebanon, New Jersey
Overheard by: she was gone, too, from the sound of it.
11AM And Do You Ever Clean Any of Them?
Mother to child: No, we already have nine guns at home!
Wal-Mart Supercenter, Conneaut Lake Road
Meadville, Pennsylvania
2PM You're Supposed to Use a Bottle for Abandoned Wildlife
Woman: ... And then he bit my nipple so hard it started to bleed.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: not a deaf waitress
1PM The Bhagavad Gita Is Pretty Clear on This
Amateur theologian: ... And something else I was thinking -- it's like, people always say, 'Well, the cowboys are God's team.' No, they're not! It doesn't matter who wins. God knew who was gonna win 1000 years ago!
333 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
3PM I Might Just Do It for Fun
30-ish mom slamming purse down in front of young teen boy: Excuse me!
Teen: Yeah?
Mom: You will stop harrassing my son [points outside to younger boy] immediately. Do you understand?!
Teen: What?
Mom: Don't follow him, call him 'gay,' call him anything -- just don't talk to him.
Teen: What?
Mom: Look, I'm not like the other mothers around here. I'm not polite. I'm crazy. Super psycho crazy and I don't give up.
Teen, intimidated: Okay.
Mom, leaning in: I have a dent in the front of my car, and I'm not afraid to put another one next to it -- get my drift?
Starbucks
Westwood, New Jersey
12PM I've Been Looking for a Cheap Place
Perky woman: So, my friend's neighbor was totally murdered on her front yard.
Man: Cool!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Super grad student
10AM The Must-Have Accessory for People Who Are Full of It
Woman to young girl: Oh, I got some news that will make you so jealous! I have two colons!
87th Avenue and Roberts Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: sarah
1PM Can't Go Wrong with the Classics
Coworker: Any religion involving rams' blood is fine by me.
Yaletown
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: DaveM
10AM That's Coming from Her TV -- It's Stuck on Lifetime
Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.
Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend
Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?
4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida
5PM Because Sometimes the Purest Expressions of Love Need No Words
Coworker: Why won't any sex offenders talk to me?
1334 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania