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12PM But All It Said Was "Please Remember to Recycle"
Female sales exec: Did you get that e-mail I sent you?
Male sales exec: Yeah.
Female sales exec: What'd you think?
Male sales exec: I'd give it a 90 percent.
Female sales exec: What made you take 10 off?
Male sales exec: It didn't say anything about Jesus being the savior. I mean, that's why we celebrate Christmas. You can't have Christmas without Easter.
Female sales exec: Oh.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: So I can't call it Xmas?
1PM Um, All I Asked Was, "What's My Total?"
50-year-old woman cashier to customer: ... And then I had to chase them with my pants down, and I hadn't even gotten the chance to wipe yet!
17111 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan
10AM Why Vacations Were Invented
Suit dancing with self through cubicles: Hubba, hubba! Ding, ding! I dance like a washing machine!
Cottonwood Lane
Colleyville, Texas
Overheard by: I don't dance at all...
10AM Can the Other Driver Sue for Slander? Discuss.
Cabbie yelling out window to guy who cut him off: Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! Your mother is a puta! [Gets out at red light, walks to offender's car, points his butt at and simulates farting on the car, then gets back into cab and yells out window again.] You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee! You have no pee-pee!
Outside White Plains train station
New York
Overheard by: ccampoll
2PM I'm Not Crazy
Loud office chick: Oh, I always used to eat paper! But not, like, toilet paper. Like, notebook paper.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
5PM And the Makeup Sex Is to Die For
Guest speaker: Domestic violence is hot.
Berkeley, California
10AM That, and They Mess Up Your Room While You're Sleeping
Woman: I wanted to find out the status of the investigation on my stolen bike. It happened three weeks ago, and I haven't heard back.
Cop: Well, ma'am, we've been busy with the orange alert.
Woman: I'm sorry -- orange alert?
Cop: Ma'am, we're in a war.
Woman: A war?!
Cop: The war with Iraq?
Woman: ... You mean the fucking Iraqis stole my bike?!
Washington, DC
11AM To What Extent Are You Her?
Old, crazy worker lady: Hey, what department do you work in?
New girl: I work in XYZ department*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, what do you do there?
New girl: I'm an assistant.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, you're a lawyer?
New girl: No, I'm an assistant. My name's Erin Murray*.
Old, crazy worker lady: Oh, Erin Murray! Oh, I know her -- I'm a big fan of her work.
South Carolina
Overheard by: stuck in sc
11AM I've Been Doing Enough Yoga That It's Physically Possible
Office girl in stall: Fuck this! Fuck you, uterus! I'll kick your ass!
16th Street
Tempe, Arizona
5PM What Gall He Has
Office manager in transplant center, slamming down phone: How dare he call me about heart when I have liver all over my desk?!
Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
12PM Where Peek Freans Come From
Cube monkey: My brain is unlike that of any mortal! It consists of witchcraft, spells, and ideas for pastries that the world has yet to see!
1750 East Golf Road
Schaumburg, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
5PM Now, Does Jesus Say That Every Time We Have Communion?
Crazy ER patient: I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord! I believe in the Lord!
Monotone nurse #1, taking vitals: Blood pressure, 150 over 80... Pulse, 110.
Nurse #2: Yes, yes, but does he believe in the Lord?
Monotone nurse #1: Haha. Hold him. [Jabs crazy patient with a needle.]
Crazy ER patient: I believe in-- Aaauuugh! You bitch!
Nurse #2: What about the Lord?
Crazy ER patient: Auuugh! Stop taking my blood, you bitch!
Colorado
Overheard by: TK
10AM He's Practicing His Lines for His Book Club Discussion
Man in armchair, to no one: You're always fuckin' starting with me. Every morning! [Long pause] And then you start in on the gay thing. I'm not talking to you! You started it, and then you tell me to shut up. You shut up! Always, you start it then tell me to shut up. [Long pause] And you try to tell me I'm sick... Read a goddamn newspaper! There's child porn, and Anna Nicole Smith is dead and they're fighting over her baby, and you tell me I'm sick?!
Book store
Greece, New York
Overheard by: confused reader
2PM Um, Hmmm -- Mood Elevators? Second Floor
Sales lady: Hello.
Crazy lady: Don't you talk to me! You don't know me! We don't know each other! You have no right to talk to me!
Rochester, Minnesota
Overheard by: Katie
1PM Got My Eye on the Prettiest Little Vireo
Driver piercing long silence on radio, to no one in particular: If I wasn't a human, I'd be one o' them cow birds. [Other drivers agree.]
227 Business Route 96
Buna, Texas
Overheard by: Angel
2PM That's When I Remember I Have Super Powers
Guy: This is about the time where I start feeling... not right. Like there's something flowing through my body other than blood.
Washington Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM And He Sees Me As a Kind of Alien Cafeteria Lady
Crazy dog lady: Ajax was running around in the shower this morning and chasing the water. It was so cute!
Coworker: He was in the shower with you?
Crazy dog lady: Yes. He needs to get clean. He has a white coat and he gets so dirty.
Coworker: You took a shower with your dog? Were you naked? Ewww...
Crazy dog lady: What? He was dirty!
Fort Worth, Texas
2PM Or a Glitch in the Matrix?
Writer muttering to himself: Do I have the hiccups? Do I actually have the hiccups? Is that actually what's happening to me?
Renton, Washington
10AM I've Never Felt So Free -- or So Brittle
Girl on cell: Let me tell you, there is nothing quite like liquid nitrogen to the vagina...
Outside clinic, Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Keeping My Legs Closed
5PM Henrietta Learns That a "Body Shaper" Is Just a Girdle in Disguise
Large woman: You just watch out. I'm going to come over there and squeeze you the way they squeeze me.
30th Street and Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
10AM Some Adages Just Don't Translate to English Very Well
Peon: It still wouldn't look like soup to me, even if the dog was swirly.
143 South Street
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM Lest the Keepers of the Books Wreak a Terrible Vengeance
Homeless guy #1: Damn! I just got kicked out of the library! Damn!
Homeless guy #2: What did you do, man?
Homeless guy #1: I don't know. I don't know.
Homeless guy #2: Aren't you drunk?
Homeless guy #1: Well, yeah. Also, I might have been looking at dirty pictures on the computer.
Homeless guy #2: Aw, that's not so bad.
Homeless guy #1: And they said that I was being disrespectful to the librarians.
Homeless guy #2, freaking out: No way, man! You can never, never disrespect the librarians! Always respect librarians! What were you thinking? Are you an idiot?
Outside Boulder Public Library
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: Librarian on break
4PM I'm Having No Trouble Suspending My Disbelief
Cube dweller: I can't believe I haven't taken a shower in a week. You can't tell, can you?
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: GeBuJuJu
10AM To Prevent Monkey-Deficiency Anemia
Cube dweller: I think you just need to eat more monkey...
731 Fairfield Court
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: it actually made sense at the time
3PM It's the Tragedy of the Human Condition
Office grunt: Sometimes you get a hole in your bag and you lose your chicken.
10877 Watson Road
St. Louis, Missouri
12PM I Try to Take Revenge at Least Once a Day
Lady: You think wearing the skin of a dead cow is cool or something? You're promoting murder by wearing that.
Leather jacket guy: I don't wear this because I like leather. I wear this because I hate cows. My father was gored to death by a bull. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to Burger King.
Blockbuster Video, 14936 North Florida Avenue
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jonathon Flachlinie
4PM But I Was Busy Refilling Clarissa
Coworker staring at beeping microwave: I heard you the first time, Fran.
220 West 3rd Street
Denver, Colorado
2PM Also Like the Pound
Guy in crowded elevator that smells like disinfectant: Have you ever been to jail? It smells like jail in here.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: No, I never have
1PM Sheriff, Any Idea Why This Boy Would Brutally Murder His Mother?
Baby mama to friend: These little boy clothes is so cute! If I have a boy I am going to name him D'jon, 'cause I love mustard!
Baby Gap
Towson, Maryland
9AM The Things We Underwear-Users Take for Granted
Old lady on cell: Well, I went commando once, but the whole day I was just super paranoid. What if it got flies in it or something?
3501 Quail Springs Parkway
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM Yeahhh, Definitely Need My Smoothie. Yeahhh
Chick: A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. A new day, another dollar. As long as I have my smoothie, I'm okay. Smoothie -- okay. No smoothie -- not okay.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
10AM I Haven't Been Near a Moon for Years
Old guy unzipping at urinal: The eagle has landed.
Guy at other urinal: What does that mean?
Old guy: I don't know.
7 Hanover Square
New York, New York
Overheard by: guy at urinal #4
1PM Why the New York-Ohio Worker Exchange Program Fell Apart
Elderly customer: I'd also like a two-liter of Coke.
20-something cashier, smiling: Certainly.
Elderly customer: You know, I really like your demeanor and attitude.
20-something cashier: Up yours, old man.
Elderly customer: [Stunned silence.]
20-something cashier: Have a nice day!
6780 Goshen Road
Goshen, Ohio
Overheard by: Delivery Expert
12PM Why There Are So Many Therapists
Child in stall: Mommy, where does that hole go?
Mother: It's not a hole, it's a pipe, and it goes to where the child-catcher lives. Now hurry up!
601 West Peace Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
4PM 2000 Years Old and Still a Virgin
Holy roller #1: He has a Jesus hat on. He looks really WT today.
Holy roller #2: Praise him.
Holy roller #1: Is that his wife? I think it is.
Holy roller #2: 'Thin-lipped, snake handling Jesus freaks,' I can hear her shrieking already. I wonder if they speak in tongues... Durka durka blah blah burble burble...
Holy roller #1: That's what it sounded like. Here they come...
Holy roller #2: I can feel the holy spirit oozing out of her. I'll bet she smells like Jesus.
Holy roller #1: Totally.
757 North Broadway
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3PM I'm Not Sure, Doctor
Man: Oooh, whatever was on my finger tasted good! I wonder what it was...
Dallas, Texas
1PM No Police Tape This Time?
Boss: So, how was everybody's weekend?
Mother of the year, proudly: I got so drunk at my daughter's sixth birthday party that I passed out on the couch at three p.m. I think my husband kept an eye on all the kids, but either way, everyone was gone when I woke up at 5:30.
Lebanon, New Jersey
Overheard by: she was gone, too, from the sound of it.
11AM And Do You Ever Clean Any of Them?
Mother to child: No, we already have nine guns at home!
Wal-Mart Supercenter, Conneaut Lake Road
Meadville, Pennsylvania
2PM You're Supposed to Use a Bottle for Abandoned Wildlife
Woman: ... And then he bit my nipple so hard it started to bleed.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: not a deaf waitress
1PM The Bhagavad Gita Is Pretty Clear on This
Amateur theologian: ... And something else I was thinking -- it's like, people always say, 'Well, the cowboys are God's team.' No, they're not! It doesn't matter who wins. God knew who was gonna win 1000 years ago!
333 North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: fransen comes alive
3PM I Might Just Do It for Fun
30-ish mom slamming purse down in front of young teen boy: Excuse me!
Teen: Yeah?
Mom: You will stop harrassing my son [points outside to younger boy] immediately. Do you understand?!
Teen: What?
Mom: Don't follow him, call him 'gay,' call him anything -- just don't talk to him.
Teen: What?
Mom: Look, I'm not like the other mothers around here. I'm not polite. I'm crazy. Super psycho crazy and I don't give up.
Teen, intimidated: Okay.
Mom, leaning in: I have a dent in the front of my car, and I'm not afraid to put another one next to it -- get my drift?
Starbucks
Westwood, New Jersey
12PM I've Been Looking for a Cheap Place
Perky woman: So, my friend's neighbor was totally murdered on her front yard.
Man: Cool!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Super grad student
10AM The Must-Have Accessory for People Who Are Full of It
Woman to young girl: Oh, I got some news that will make you so jealous! I have two colons!
87th Avenue and Roberts Road
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: sarah
1PM Can't Go Wrong with the Classics
Coworker: Any religion involving rams' blood is fine by me.
Yaletown
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: DaveM
10AM That's Coming from Her TV -- It's Stuck on Lifetime
Patient: Stop raping me!
Nurse #1: Did I just hear that?
Nurse #2: She has been yelling it all day.
Randolph Road
Plainfield, New Jersey
10AM It's in the Bill of Rights
Suit: If we wanna make fun of freakin' roosters, guess what?! We're gonna make fun of freakin' roosters.
3565 Atlanta Highway
Athens, Georgia
1PM He's Got Big Plans for the Weekend
Guy: You want me to buy 60 dollars' worth of butt-paste?
4803 Deer Lake Drive
Jacksonville, Florida
5PM Because Sometimes the Purest Expressions of Love Need No Words
Coworker: Why won't any sex offenders talk to me?
1334 Dodge Street
Omaha, Nebraska
5PM And No Time for Breeder Drama
Large lesbo on cell: What's new with me? Oh, nothing too much. Oh wait -- yeah, I got a new dog! Yeah, another one. Well, my neighbor was killed in a murder-suicide with her boyfriend, so the dog had post-traumatic stress disorder. Oh, it's a Irish Settler. It's pretty cute... A little overweight, though. Besides that, not too much. You know me -- work, work, work.
Marriot Hotel Concierge VIP room
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Miguelito Morrison
2PM You Think until Thanksgiving?
Coworker on phone: Can I ask you something off-topic? If a family pet dies, how long can you keep it in the freezer?
Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
11AM Clinton Was a Rhodes Scholar, and He Still Picks up Trash on Friday Nights
Salesman: It's this whole 'No Child Left Behind, let's get all the kids to graduate college' bullshit. If everybody goes to college, who's gonna do the work? Huh? Who's gonna dig the ditches? Who's gonna pick up the trash? We don't need that. We need kids to drop out of school and do the work.
Birch Street
Brea, California
11AM That's Your Answer for Everything
Coworker #1: Are you bringing something tomorrow?
Coworker #2: Yeah, but I'm not sure what. Everyone is so hard to please.
Coworker #1: I know. I want to make that pasta dish I told you about, but it has a lot of vegetables. I have to find out who likes what, and what they don't like. It'd be easier to kill everyone instead.
12300 Olive Boulevard
St. Louis, Missouri
5PM Plus, It's the Clearest Dramatization of the Effect of Reaganomics That I Know
Economics professor: Kick me in the rear. I like it.
University of Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: my attention span is price inelastic
3PM He's Anterean-Curious
Male coworker: But Anne Heche is oddly hot, and she'd be okay with another woman in the bedroom. Plus, she's insane, which makes her fun.
Female coworker: Well, guess if you're fantasizing about someone bi and crazy she could be interesting...
Male coworker: See? See? I think she might actually be an alien. That'd be even better! Aliens are sexy.
Female coworker: No, no, now you're just getting weird and nerdy. Aliens are not sexy.
Male coworker: I always imagined the female alien from Cocoon to be really sexy. She had a great body when the skin was on her, but there was something scary and yet awesome about the glowing part. I'd want her to keep her human skin on, but I imagine sex with her to be like nothing else you've ever imagined. And I imagine her kisses to taste like candy and electricity, like pop rocks or something.
Female coworker: Okay, now you've let me know too much information, and you're still getting all nerdy.
Male coworker: Okay, you're right. This is starting to sound weird.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
12PM 'Good-Enough Parenting' Is a Fairly Elastic Concept
Coworker #1: So, your daughter's learning to walk yet?
Coworker #2: Nah, not yet, but she can stand up, and she falls down the stairs real good.
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Yeah, she did that last night. Scared me real good.
Coworker #1: Eh, don't worry. Once, I dropped mine from a good height. About three or four feet. I didn't worry, 'cause she started laughing.
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC
Overheard by: scared of having children
10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up
Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.
Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia
2PM The Klan Has Fallen on Hard Times
Ghetto girl on cell: Whitey snuck into my apartment and set my alarm clock off by 12 hours! I ain't never snuck into no white person's house and put poison in they're food! But Whitey's oppressin' me. Whitey snuck into my apartment while I was in the shower and stole my underwear! While I was in the shower!
545 Bus
Outside Seattle, Washington
1PM Wait, No! That's What the Frogs Want!
Pilot: Tower, there's a piece of foreign object debris on the taxiway in front of the tower.
Tower: Roger, we'll send a truck right out to pick it up.
Pilot: Tower, disregard the FOD. It just hopped off the taxiway.
Tower: Disregarding.
Air Force Pilot training base
Texas
Overheard by: Redstick Zero Five
10AM No, I Quit Because None of Them Were Prostitutes
Male administrator: So, are you a prostitute?
Female administrator: Excuse me?
Male administrator: It's a line from that movie, Monster.
Female administrator: You can't just go around saying things like that to people.
Male administrator: Oh. Well, I used to do it all the time at my old job.
Female administrator: Is that why you're not working there anymore?
Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: the fly on the wall
9AM Still Curious about the Gasoline, George?
Computer nerd: Last night I had to set my monkey on fire.
California State University
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
10AM In the Same Way Cher Is 'Real'
Female editor: Hey, is Plastic Man a real superhero?
Assistant: Yeah. There's been some dispute about his origins, though.
Female editor: Oh, really? But he is real, right?
Assistant: Yeah.
Female editor: Okay, great, thanks.
233 Spring Street,
SoHo, New York
1PM I've Had Problems with Extra-Crispy
Girl: No! It was a regular chicken suit!
University of Missouri-Columbia
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Hop-15
5PM Here's a Map of Where I Would Go
Girl: But I wouldn't violate you in that way that would offend you, you know what I mean? Like, I just wouldn't go that route.
1 New York Plaza
Overheard by: I would
10AM It's actually a Clever Piece of Performance Art Commenting on the Injustice of the Electric Chair as a Means of Execution
Cop: Put the knife down, you don't want to do this.
Depressed guy: Stay back! I'm serious I'll do it!
Cop: Come on, put the knife down so we can talk.
Depressed guy: Stay back!
Cop, pulling out his Taser: Ok, last chance, put the knife down or I'll Tase you!
Depressd guy: Stop, I don't want to get hurt!
Cromwell, Connecticut
Overheard by: CT Observer
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
1PM Also, I Hung up That One Corpse
Secretary : The guys who clean my yard never take any off my plants, because I threaten them, I say 'If you touch anything, I'll kill you!' And they never touch anything since then. Because they're Haitians, and you know, Haitians scare easy.
1252 Memorial Drive
Coral Gables, Florida
5PM It Was His Midterm Exam; He's a Plumbing Sciences Major
College guy #1: Hey, man. You escape?
College guy #2: Yeah man. I took out the toilet and went through the wall.
333 Western Ave
Westfield, Massachusetts
Overheard by: someone standing in line just in front of them
5PM What He Learned at Harvard Business School
Branch manager: Wiggy wiggy wiggy wuzza wuzza wiggy. Wiggy!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
12PM So Just Have the Spaghetti
Employee: Rat balls are nasty!
Raytheon
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: taaj
9AM Might Have Swallowed the Spring, the Way the Conversation's Bouncing Around
Coworker #1: Well one time, I was eating here, and I found a piece of metal in my mouth! You know, a long thin piece. But bunched up. I chewed on it and it like exploded in my mouth. In my mouth! Can you believe it? It was all twisted or something. Coiled. Oh yeah. It was a spring! A spring! Anyway, I chewed on it and it like boinged in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait. Can you believe it? Boing, boing, boing! So I spit it out and look at it and think, 'What the hell is this and what is it doing in my food?' But really, can you believe it? Boinging all over the place!
Coworker #2: Ok. Enough already. You're making me sick. It's like having lunch with Roseanne Roseannadanna. Next you'll be telling me about the time you found a toenail in your cheeseburger.
Coworker #1: Oh yeah. Wouldn't that be great? Lunch with Roseanne. But she's dead, you know. Cancer.
Coworker #2: Gilda Radner died of cancer.
Coworker #1: Who? Why are you always changing the subject?
Coworker #2: I'm eating at my desk.
1500 University Avenue
Madison University Hospital & Clinics Cafeteria
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Just lost my appetite
4PM I'll Eat What I Can and Take the Rest Home for Breakfast
Guy on the phone: Yeah, so I'll just eat a light dinner and when we get there we can share a cowboy... Oh yeah, that sounds much better!
Tucson, AZ
11AM Eva Braun Waxes Rhapsodic
Co-worker: If I killed someone, he would totally lie to the police for me. Either he would be my alibi or he would lie and say he did it so I could be free.
225 North Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Am I Next
2PM What Happens When You Think About Things that Don't Bear Thinking About
IT guy: Oh, good I'm back to the top of your favorite people list.
Sales assistant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William's gone; he's off the list.
Sales guy: Isn't William a gerbil?
Sales assistant: That's my gerbil! We're talking about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Peter* about gerbil; he likes 'em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the gerbils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hairless, clawless gerbils.
Peter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don't want one with claws..
Peter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hairless gerbils.
Sales guy: Don't forget clawless... you don't want one with claws.
Office Manager: Stop with the gerbils.
Sales guy, to himself: No... don't want one with claws....
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
11AM She Took a Really Big Pas de Deux
Employee: The ballerina broke the toilet.
1228 Egypt Road
Oaks, Pennsylvania
2PM Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Hello 8 Mile
Guy reading the paper: Elton John is going to try hip hop.
Young co-worker: That's weird.
Gay co-worker: Who's Elton John?
5500 Rings Road
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: amazed he didn't know
1PM The Internet Has Somewhat Dampened Joshua's Sense of Wonder
Dude: What I really wanna see is a baby shot out of a cannon through a waterfall of gasoline, over a bundle of lit sparklers, and knock an old lady off a horse, 'cause then I could say I really saw something. [notices cleaning lady] Oh, shit.
Dearborn, Michigan
Overheard by: dude thats fucked up
1PM The Concept of 'Caring' Was Not Covered at MIT -- Please Explain
Engineer #1: So how's it going?
Engineer #2: Crazy. Completely crazy. Why'd you ask?
Engineer #1: Because I care, dumbass.
500 Howard Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: really touched
3PM After Her Last Album's Failure, Ms. Wilson Went into a Bit of a Slump
Guy: Hey, can you tell me how to get to Billings, Montana?
Desk clerk: Yeah, just go north on 95, then east on 90. That's the best way to get there.
Guy: Thanks! I just got fired. I'm a carnie. Carnie!
Hillcrest
Moscow, Idaho
Overheard by: They have small hands.
1PM It's All About Scheduling, Yo
Counter girl: Did I tell you I almost got locked up last night?
Male customer: Fo' what?
Counter girl: I took my homegirl's car and rode over to my baby daddy's momma house. Po-lice got me going through a light. I was like, "Shit, man, I got weed and a rock in my joint, and my shit's suspended, yo."
Male customer: That's some Cops shit, girl!
Girl: Fo' reals...But I worked my way out with a warning, got my baby, went home, and smoked that shit.
11th Street & F Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: suddenly not hungry
11AM Rule of Thumb: Don't Hire Anyone Who Has Ever Performed a Mortal Kombat Move in Real Life
Applicant, explaining multi-year gap in employment history: I got sent to jail for stabbing a guy twelve times, but it was bullshit.
Manager: Oh yeah?
Applicant: Yeah. I only stabbed him six times; I just had two knives in my hand. It was bullshit.
Manager: Hmm. I see.
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
12PM Yes, Matt Lauer Says the Same Thing
Male customer: Well, we're definitely interested. We'll be back this week to make the purchase.
Sales chick: It was a pleasure to meet you. My name is Katie.
Female customer: Oh, Katie. We'll remember that name!
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, whispering: Katie is the name of my "other" personality.
Sales chick: Oh?
Female customer, turning to male customer: Katie is not very nice, is she, darling?
Male customer: No, dear, she's not.
Northridge, California
Overheard by: charlotte
4PM Yep, PDA's Are Definitely What's Going to Precipitate the Second Coming
Older black lady, at a young couple kissing and groping in a line of people waiting to pay their power bills: What the hell is wrong with these peoples? Jesus needs to come down and knock some damn sense into their stupid motherfucking ass.
Nevada Power Company
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Annmarie
11AM It'll Use the 'Eponymous Rage' Defense at Its Trial
Frustrated employee: I'm gonna build a robot named Microchip, and it's going to look like a microchip and it's going to kill people.
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: D
11AM Tetanus Shot
Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?
1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado
Overheard by: A Sane Applicant
4PM Folding Clothes
Employee #1: She turned around and said to the supervisor, "She just yelled at me." I was like, "I didn't yell at you!" I said it in front of the supervisor, but I didn't care. I didn't yell at her...That's how people get locked up! People saying you did things you didn't do. That's how you go to jail.
Employee #2: Um, yeah.
130 East 59th Street
New York, New York
1PM Group Therapy
Coworker: Sometimes I just go out to the warehouse dock and stand on the edge and think about jumping.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM House Call
Patient: Can I have your home number? I promise not to call you all the time. Only in case of an emergency.
Doctor: Um, I don't give out my home number. If you are having an emergency, you need to go to the emergency room.
Patient: But they don't know my medical history!
Doctor: But I live two hours from you. You'll receive medical care quicker by simply going to the emergency room. Besides, all your medical history can be pulled up on their computer.
Patient: So....you're not going to give me your number?
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
9AM Back to Work
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: Hey,wait! Hey, wait! How old are you two?
Young business woman #1: Why?
Sweaty, middle-aged man in running shorts: I just wanted ask one of you out, but I can't tell how old you are under your sunglasses.
Young business woman #2: Umm...no. We're working.
Sweaty, middle-aged man: Oh, never mind.
2825 Eastlake Avenue East
Seattle, Washington
9AM Back to Work
Visiting IT guy: You want some crack? Oh, I can get you some crack. You should have said something, I was at Pawley's Island this weekend and had a boatload.
Assistant: Hmm, and you are on crack now. I see your hands are not shaking from withdrawal. Get out of my cubicle.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Shooting On Location
Crackhead: I know you... you are that guy from TV.
Ryan Seacrest: Yeah... it's me
Crackhead: You're that guy from Fear Factor.
Ryan Seacrest: No... I'm on that other show, American Idol... You might have heard of it?
Crackhead: Look at me... I ain't got no TV.
6th Street
Austin, Texas
3PM Get Answers
Manager on phone: So I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to hate me for not knowing the answer. [pause] That was below the belt. [pause] It's child protection. [pause] Annnyways, I was wondering...
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
2PM Behind Schedule
Co-worker: I think from now on, I'm going to speak in the third person about myself, and I'll call myself "Angry Chinese clam." Angry Chinese clam is most displeased with your actions.
120 North La Salle
Chicago, Illinois
4PM Catching Up
Guy in next cubicle on phone: Speak up! I can't hear you because of the solar flares.
1500 West County Road
Roseville, Minnesota
Overheard by: I can't believe I work here
1PM Head Out for a Bite
Maniac: Come in, I won't bite anymore.
Worker: ...Won't bite...anymore?
Maniac: I usedta work at a veternarian. He usedta lock me up with the animals in a cage! When they'd bark, the only way to get them to stop was to bark at them. And bite them--on the ear!
708 Broadway elevator
New York, NY
Overheard by: Kevin Davidson
5PM Out of Here
Executive #1: You go first.
Executive #2: Why?
Executive #1: I always go first...I don't know what your problem is.
Executive #2: I don't have a problem; why can't you just go up the stairs first?
137 Ocean Avenue
Lakewood, New Jersey
12PM Order Pens
Co-worker #1: Why do you keep breaking your pens? That's company property.
Co-worker #2: I break things so I don't have to kill again.
120 East Shore Drive
Glen Allen, Virginia
Overheard by: Chris
5PM That's a Wrap
Co-worker: Oh, I keep having these irrational dreams too. The other night I dreamt that I made this little mistake and it brought down like the entire company. And in the papers it said, "entire company went down because of this one stupid assistant!" And everyone knew my name and I couldn't get a job anywhere, so I have to move to Europe and marry a guy to get my visa. Then I was a product of domestic abuse because he knew I was co-dependent on him.
175 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Peter H
10AM Schedule Meetings
Worker #1: Do you have any time available to meet on Thursday?
Worker #2: It will be pretty tough; I have back to back meetings all day.
Worker #1: How about 11AM?
Worker #2: Okay, I have nothing scheduled at all between 9AM and 5PM.
140 Broadway
New York, NY
Overheard by: HardlyWorking
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: This lunchtime let's lock ourselves in a toilet cubicle with a knife, some string and a needle, and see what happens.
144 Uxbridge Road
Shepherd's Bush, London
UK
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: I'm like a dead person wrapped in a living person. It's like a pigs-in-a-blanket, except made out of dead people and living people.
631 King Edward Avenue
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
5PM I'm Running Home
Co-worker: If we can have trampolines and flying elves, then I can be Stevie Wonder!
75 9th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: CC
9AM It's a Bright, Sun-Shiny Day
Boss: Those are pretty. Who are they from?
Secretary: Myself. Sorry men send flowers. I don't need any sorry men in my life.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
3PM Take a Walk
Office girl: No one go in the ladies' room. The Bathroom Bomber strikes again.
1520 Front Street
Yorktown Heights, NY
Overheard by: miss earwell
1PM Lunch
Co-worker: Every time I board an airplane nowadays, I look around and figure out who I'm going to eat if we crash.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
4PM That Bright Light Being the Weekend, Folks!
Co-worker: That's a great idea, get a robot to sell drugs so you don't have to. That way, when the cops bust your robot, you don't get in trouble, just your robot. Just think, there's so many criminal activities you could automate, like robotic prostitutes. Until now I had thought our future was dark and grim, but how I'm seeing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
115 Perimeter Center Place NE
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM If They're Screaming, They're Talking to Themselves
Co-worker #1: I'm waiting for your response.
Co-worker #2: I just said something!
Co-worker #1: Oh, I can't tell when you're talking to me or to yourself.
330 Madison Ave
New York, NY
Overheard by: LRC
6PM Christ's Business Cards Were English-only
Woman on phone: I was supposed to make the business card English on one side and Japanese on the other, and I put Chinese...and I apologize for it, it was dishonest of me...I didn't think anyone would notice...but I'm a Christian person and I don't want to die and go to hell, I'd rather apologize and make it right and go to heaven...I know it's a little thing but I'm a Christian...
2301 South Third Street
Louisville, Kentucky
6PM He's Good at Receiving Info, Not Sending It
Receptionist guy: Ohhh, it's in the park!
Guest: Huh?
Receptionist guy: I'm addressing myself. I just chose you as the object I'm projecting upon.
454 W. 16th Street
New York, NY
12PM Let's Hope It's Downers
Worker: I will bring the estimate in to you once I have taken my medication! Geez!
830 5th Avenue
New York, NY
4PM Maybe She Was Sensing That She's Smarter Than Her Owner
Canadian woman: Things have been so strange around here lately with all the closed door meetings and whispering. Even my dog was really restless the other night, but I think she was sensing the earthquake and possible tsunami.
4027 Tampa Road
Oldsmar, Florida
12PM Phases of Arrogance, Idiocy and Ignorance
Coworker: Those people in the Tsunami, they deserved to die. They were being greedy, collecting fish from the sea...they should have known there are three phases of a Tsunami.
60 Livingston Avenue
St. Paul, Minnesota
12PM Someone Had to Tell the CEO
Woman across the hall: You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail.
3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
