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10AM And Then We'll Give Thanks
Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!
320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Julie
12PM Well, What Are My Choices?
Worker bee #1: Have you ever been constipated?
Worker bee #2: Not severely.
Worker bee #1: Oh, it's horrible! I hate it! I would rather have diarrhea!
Worker bee #2: No, you wouldn't.
Worker bee #1: Oh, yes, I would! At least then you know there's going to be an end to it... It wears out.
Worker bee #2: Yeah, but with diarrhea you could have an accident.
Worker bee #1: Well, I didn't say that it was a choice between being constipated and having an accident. You don't alwayshave an accident.
110 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jaime
9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You
Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.
132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM You Know You're Getting Old When the Kid from Jerry Maguire Is Having Children of His Own
Charity worker: His name was Brandon*, and he was about six and he has Down Syndrome and eye cancer, so he has one glass eye, but you can't tell. But sometimes it plops out. He also needs a major hip replacement, but he does walk most of the time. He can't talk. He's sooo cute.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Bora
3PM His Wife Gets All the Good Lines in Their Home Videos
Coworker #1: It's Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick!
Coworker #2: Wow. What are you having for lunch?
Coworker #1: What? Ew, no! I was quoting a movie!
Coworker #2: Sure you were.
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
12PM Yes, It Was
Communications specialist referring to recent counseling session: Oh! I just did her husband!
Marketing specialist: Well, good for you!
Government building
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM My Hurt Feelings Collection Is Festering Nicely Today
Coworker #1: I can't believe the three of them just strolled right past my cubicle, and Karen* did not ask us if we wanted to go to lunch with them!
Coworker #2: She is so rude! You ready?
Coworker #1: Yeah, I'm starving.
Shier Rings Road
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Invisible Girl
5PM No One Needs to Know I Bought Encino Man
Coworker #1: The new shredder shreds CDs... Cool.
Coworker #2: Yeah! And it shreds DVDs, too!
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: it says moops
9AM The Kind of Art Installation My Grandma Would Call "Unsavory"
Project manager: So, did you get it erected?
Yard coordinator: Yeah, the bed jumped off the platform during the release.
Project manager: Well, at least the piece was solid this time. I take it the vibrators worked better?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Love my job
12PM Do I Have to Explain Judaism to You Again?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have your Christmas frock picked out?
20-ish female cube dweller: What?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have a Christmas frock?
20-ish female cube dweller: Like a... dress?
40-ish female cube dweller: Yeah! To wear on Christmas!
20-ish female cube dweller: We don't really get dressed up on Christmas.
40-ish female cube dweller: [Disappointed silence.]
1701 North Beauregard Street
Alexandria, Virginia
11AM But Either Way, Really
Coworker #1: Do you want to meet in your cube, or should we get a room or something?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure I like how you phrased that...
290 Concord Road
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heard everything
9AM We're Not Animals.
Chief petty officer: So, you're saying the reservists can shoot themselves?
Training officer: Yes, but only with supervision.
Barboursville, West Virginia
5PM It's by Armenia and Azerbaijan -- You Add Eleven Hours... Wait, What?
Peon #1: I gotta call 'em. They're in Georgia. Is it too early?
Peon #2: What do you mean?
Peon #1: Aren't they behind us? What time is it there? ... Where's Georgia?
Clements Bridge Road
Barrington, New Jersey
Overheard by: worker on Eastern time
2PM Aric Is in Henry's Today
Female worker: Hey, stay out of my pants!
Guy folding jeans: Uh, these are Aric's*!
Clothing store, Fairfield Commons Mall
Dayton, Ohio
11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?
Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.
10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Woody Was Forced to Give Up His Dream of Drunken Chainmail Canoe Wrestling
Worker bee #1: I don't know how good an idea that is in a canoe.
Worker bee #2: What? At worst, they could get you for public intoxication.
Worker bee #1: I'm not worried about the legal ramifications. I'm worried about the drowning ramifications.
9000 Plymouth Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM And Then I'll Jump... Weee!
Female coworker #1: Are you going to sign up for a mammogram next week?
Female coworker #2: Yeah, I guess so. Are you?
Female coworker #1: Yep. I just hope they are more gentle than last year.
Female coworker #2: Well, they will have to use a bungee cord to get mine up on that ledge.
5950 Grassy Creek Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Kelly
2PM If You Steal Other People's Staplers, You Deserve at Least a Coma
Office guy: I mean, I wouldn't wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died... I'd be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die--
Office guy: --It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Would "Macadamia Melee" Have Sounded Less Creepy?
Minion #1: Oh, yeah, I try not to go shopping during the holidays.
Minion #2: You can't avoid it -- the music, the squealing children, everything -- it's like a peppermint orgy.
Assistant, startled: Uh, what?
12th and Peachtree
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Say what?
11AM Yeah, He Aimed Her Right at Me
Coworker #1, to coughing coworker: You need the Heimlich?
Coworker #2, sharply: No!
Coworker #1: You remember when Donnie* gave Ellie* the Heimlich and she threw up all over?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
10AM ... And HR Will Reimburse You
Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that's what you need...
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Clear and Yellowish? Sounds Suspicious to Me.
Office girl #1: Where were you yesterday!
Office girl #2: I was sick, sorry.
Office girl #1: Sick with what?
Office girl #2: Head cold... My nose was running really bad.
Office girl #1: Oh, yeah? What color was the snot?
Office girl #2: Ummm... Clear-yellowish-like.
Office girl #1: No infection -- you could have come in!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Why would she answer that??
11AM You Should See Me Paddle Myself
Male coworker #1: Oh, come on. You know you wanted to be in a frat.
Male coworker #2: I am a frat of one.
Linden Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Ethan Holbrook
9AM It's the Aftermath That's a Real Debacle
Single coworker: I tell ya -- sex with crazy girls is great!
Sierra Vista, Arizona
Overheard by: Damn psychopharmaceuticals...
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
11AM When the Blood-Dimmed Tide Is Loosed
20-ish peon #1: I have to go and see my sister and her new baby.
20-ish peon #2: You'll come back smelling like babies. I love that smell.
20-ish peon #3: They smell like uterus.
Parliament Place
West Perth
Australia
9AM Why Work Holidays Exist
Worker #1: This information she sent me isn't right at all. It says 'GMT,' but there's too many time zones.
Worker #2: GMT is General Mountain Time.
Worker #1: I know that already. I'm going to call her now to show her how wrong she is.
Worker #3: Get off the phone before you make an ass of yourself. Didn't either of you ever hear of Greenwich Mean Time?
Worker #2: I guess we're not as sophisticated as you.
Worker #3: Sophisticated? Most grade schoolers know that.
Worker #1, hanging up phone: You remind me of my ex.
Worker #3: If he had to put up with nonsense like that, I understand why he left.
Worker #1: I left him; he didn't leave me.
Worker #3: Is he grateful for this?
Worker #1: You make me sick.
Worker #3: Was it something I said?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Charlise
5PM Until She Went "Peekaboo!"
Office girl #1: She couldn't find my cervix. My cervix!
Office girl #2: You do know everyone can hear you, right?
Office girl #1: No, no, wait -- she found it, she just couldn't see it!
43rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Worst. Staff Meeting. Ever.
Office girl: Hey! I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?
Office guy: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. Half my ear was bit off [turns to show bandaged ear].
Office girl: Oh my god, that's awful! Human or animal?
Office guy: Human.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
10AM You Can Come If You Want
Lady worker: There's a party in my uterus!
South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
4PM How You Know Your Coworker's a Virgin
Younger guy peon: You know, I've never had any experience with ladies from the Pacific Rim.
Older guy peon: Really? Well, lemme tell you something. Their hair down there is dark, straight, and soft.
Younger guy peon, thoughtfully: ... Like a puppy dog's ears?
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Beef and Ale
9AM It's the Core of Who I Am
Office peon #1: Was I talking to you about mint bowls?
Office peon #2: No, but I have had this conversation with many people, many times.
Atlee Station Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
1PM And I Haven't Even Gotten Started on Helen's Yeast Issues
Coworker #1: Hey, does anyone here have the athlete's foot?
Coworker #2: Not currently... But I think Jerry* has jock itch.
Coworker #1: Thanks. You've been real helpful.
Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
Overheard by: disease free
12PM But All It Said Was "Please Remember to Recycle"
Female sales exec: Did you get that e-mail I sent you?
Male sales exec: Yeah.
Female sales exec: What'd you think?
Male sales exec: I'd give it a 90 percent.
Female sales exec: What made you take 10 off?
Male sales exec: It didn't say anything about Jesus being the savior. I mean, that's why we celebrate Christmas. You can't have Christmas without Easter.
Female sales exec: Oh.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: So I can't call it Xmas?
11AM Unlike Tap Dancers?
Electronics clerk: If I were a tap dancer, I'd tap dance all over the store.
Jewelry clerk: Like this? [Flails arms and pretends to tap dance.]
Electronics clerk: No... That was gay.
2600 Midland Boulevard
Ft. Smith, Arizona
Overheard by: i love my job
10AM Dessert!
Office chick on phone: My mom is making me a huge meal tonight for my birthday... Bacon-wrapped filet mignon with blue cheese on top, Caesar salad, and roasted potatoes.
Neighboring cube guy: I just nutted a little on my keyboard.
4004 East Chapel Hill Parkway
Durham, North Carolina
12PM Putting Everclear in the Company Water Cooler Turned Out Poorly
Grunt #1: Hey, Stan*! How are you, man?
Grunt #2: Well, my liver hurts.
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM NewsFlash: New Yorkers Cuss. Film at Eleven.
Big nose: What's your favorite swear or curse word?
Big ass: Fuuuck.
Big nose: What the fuck?
Big ass: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Big nose: It's so fucking hot.
Big ass: I'm gonna fuck you up.
Big nose: You are so fucked.
Big ass: I just got fucked.
Big nose: Wanna fuck?
Big ass: Fuck me. [Pause, then] Shit, my boss is coming.
Big nose: We'll resume this again tomorrow, Fuckface.
Big ass: Haha, you win.
Big nose: I always do.
130 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
5PM How You Know You're Not Giving Your Underlings Enough Work
20-something coworker on phone: You know, if you spray keyboard duster in your ear, it gives you a mega head rush.
745 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Say What?
4PM Not after They Peed on My Desk!
Female coworker sitting on desk: Do you want to pet my shoes?
20 Guest Street
Brighton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not if they bite
3PM Or We Could Just Get Drunk on Punch and Have Sub-Par Sex, Like Usual?
Cube rat #1: Hey, didn't they have one of those money-tubes here at the Thanksgiving party last year?
Cube rat #2: Yeah, where you jump in and catch the money? I got 20 bucks!
Cube rat #1: Hmmm. They should do something festive for the holiday... like canned hams in the tube!
2131 3rd Avenue
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Amused
2PM A Troop of Boy Scouts Disappeared in There in 1985
Female employee #1: I can't wear thong underwear, because they go up into my pussy crack.
Female employee #2: What?! How big are you down there?
Female employee #1: Oh, it's fucking huge.
Fontana, California
12PM Police Interrogators Aren't As Crafty As They Appear on TV
Coworker: So, you went hunting last night?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: Do you gut the deer yourself?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: So... I guess you know what the inside of a human looks like, then, right?
701 East Byrd Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she just say that?
11AM The Dirty Little Secret of American Musical Theater
Lady peon #1: Man. I gave my mom her Christmas gift last night -- you know, that DVD I got her yesterday -- Rent.
Lady peon #2: Yeah.
Lady peon #1: Then I had to sit through two hours of that shit.
Lady peon #2: Is it that bad?
Lady peon #1: Nah, it ain't that bad. It's just all that damn singing...
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jake
10AM He Asked What I Thought of Our New Mission Statement
Analyst #1: I pooped next to the CEO today.
Analyst #2: Like, in his office?
1 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
5PM Who Leaves a Saber Lying around, Anyway?
Cube jockey #1: Attack me now like how you are talking about.
Cube jockey #2: If I attack you horizontally, it will cut open your middle.
Cube jockey #1: I know. That's okay. Do it anyway.
Santa Clara, California
2PM Or, You Know, Actual India
Male coworker to female, after lunch: I can't believe that you wouldn't eat anything but white rice at the Indian restaurant. You'd never make it at Epcot.
St. Petersburg, Florida