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10AM And Then We'll Give Thanks
Grunt: Just stick the turkey baster in there and suck it all out!
320 SW Stark Street
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Julie
12PM Well, What Are My Choices?
Worker bee #1: Have you ever been constipated?
Worker bee #2: Not severely.
Worker bee #1: Oh, it's horrible! I hate it! I would rather have diarrhea!
Worker bee #2: No, you wouldn't.
Worker bee #1: Oh, yes, I would! At least then you know there's going to be an end to it... It wears out.
Worker bee #2: Yeah, but with diarrhea you could have an accident.
Worker bee #1: Well, I didn't say that it was a choice between being constipated and having an accident. You don't alwayshave an accident.
110 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jaime
9AM That's "Mr. Bag" to You
Employee #1, 45 minutes after asked to perform simple task: Here are those documents you wanted. All the copies are underneath the one that's on top of it.
Employee #2: Listen, shitbag -- I was actually hoping to go to lunch today, so spare me the retard explanations, please! [To another employee] Do we have an ODP employee section we could put her in?
Employee #3: Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.
132 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
5PM You Know You're Getting Old When the Kid from Jerry Maguire Is Having Children of His Own
Charity worker: His name was Brandon*, and he was about six and he has Down Syndrome and eye cancer, so he has one glass eye, but you can't tell. But sometimes it plops out. He also needs a major hip replacement, but he does walk most of the time. He can't talk. He's sooo cute.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Bora
3PM His Wife Gets All the Good Lines in Their Home Videos
Coworker #1: It's Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick... Dick!
Coworker #2: Wow. What are you having for lunch?
Coworker #1: What? Ew, no! I was quoting a movie!
Coworker #2: Sure you were.
3211 Jermantown Road
Fairfax, Virginia
12PM Yes, It Was
Communications specialist referring to recent counseling session: Oh! I just did her husband!
Marketing specialist: Well, good for you!
Government building
Raleigh, North Carolina
11AM My Hurt Feelings Collection Is Festering Nicely Today
Coworker #1: I can't believe the three of them just strolled right past my cubicle, and Karen* did not ask us if we wanted to go to lunch with them!
Coworker #2: She is so rude! You ready?
Coworker #1: Yeah, I'm starving.
Shier Rings Road
Dublin, Ohio
Overheard by: Invisible Girl
5PM No One Needs to Know I Bought Encino Man
Coworker #1: The new shredder shreds CDs... Cool.
Coworker #2: Yeah! And it shreds DVDs, too!
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: it says moops
9AM The Kind of Art Installation My Grandma Would Call "Unsavory"
Project manager: So, did you get it erected?
Yard coordinator: Yeah, the bed jumped off the platform during the release.
Project manager: Well, at least the piece was solid this time. I take it the vibrators worked better?
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Love my job
12PM Do I Have to Explain Judaism to You Again?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have your Christmas frock picked out?
20-ish female cube dweller: What?
40-ish female cube dweller: Do you have a Christmas frock?
20-ish female cube dweller: Like a... dress?
40-ish female cube dweller: Yeah! To wear on Christmas!
20-ish female cube dweller: We don't really get dressed up on Christmas.
40-ish female cube dweller: [Disappointed silence.]
1701 North Beauregard Street
Alexandria, Virginia
11AM But Either Way, Really
Coworker #1: Do you want to meet in your cube, or should we get a room or something?
Coworker #2: I'm not sure I like how you phrased that...
290 Concord Road
Billerica, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Heard everything
9AM We're Not Animals.
Chief petty officer: So, you're saying the reservists can shoot themselves?
Training officer: Yes, but only with supervision.
Barboursville, West Virginia
5PM It's by Armenia and Azerbaijan -- You Add Eleven Hours... Wait, What?
Peon #1: I gotta call 'em. They're in Georgia. Is it too early?
Peon #2: What do you mean?
Peon #1: Aren't they behind us? What time is it there? ... Where's Georgia?
Clements Bridge Road
Barrington, New Jersey
Overheard by: worker on Eastern time
2PM Aric Is in Henry's Today
Female worker: Hey, stay out of my pants!
Guy folding jeans: Uh, these are Aric's*!
Clothing store, Fairfield Commons Mall
Dayton, Ohio
11AM Did You Just Pin Mittens to My Sleeves?
Grunt #1: Don't you need a coat?
Grunt #2: No.
Grunt #1: Are we going outside?
Grunt #2: Yes.
Grunt #1: Oh. Sorry. I guess I just turned into your mother.
10920 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
5PM Woody Was Forced to Give Up His Dream of Drunken Chainmail Canoe Wrestling
Worker bee #1: I don't know how good an idea that is in a canoe.
Worker bee #2: What? At worst, they could get you for public intoxication.
Worker bee #1: I'm not worried about the legal ramifications. I'm worried about the drowning ramifications.
9000 Plymouth Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
4PM And Then I'll Jump... Weee!
Female coworker #1: Are you going to sign up for a mammogram next week?
Female coworker #2: Yeah, I guess so. Are you?
Female coworker #1: Yep. I just hope they are more gentle than last year.
Female coworker #2: Well, they will have to use a bungee cord to get mine up on that ledge.
5950 Grassy Creek Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Overheard by: Kelly
2PM If You Steal Other People's Staplers, You Deserve at Least a Coma
Office guy: I mean, I wouldn't wish death on anyone, but if we came back from break and she died... I'd be secretly happy.
Office girl: Yeah. Like, if I had to choose someone in the office to die--
Office guy: --It would be her.
Office girl: Totally.
Office guy: Anyway, have a lovely Christmas!
Office girl: You, too! Happy holidays!
Melbourne
Australia
1PM Would "Macadamia Melee" Have Sounded Less Creepy?
Minion #1: Oh, yeah, I try not to go shopping during the holidays.
Minion #2: You can't avoid it -- the music, the squealing children, everything -- it's like a peppermint orgy.
Assistant, startled: Uh, what?
12th and Peachtree
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Say what?
11AM Yeah, He Aimed Her Right at Me
Coworker #1, to coughing coworker: You need the Heimlich?
Coworker #2, sharply: No!
Coworker #1: You remember when Donnie* gave Ellie* the Heimlich and she threw up all over?
55 Water Street
New York, New York
10AM ... And HR Will Reimburse You
Male peon to female peon: Go get yourself a pair of underwear and rent a hotel room if that's what you need...
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
2PM Clear and Yellowish? Sounds Suspicious to Me.
Office girl #1: Where were you yesterday!
Office girl #2: I was sick, sorry.
Office girl #1: Sick with what?
Office girl #2: Head cold... My nose was running really bad.
Office girl #1: Oh, yeah? What color was the snot?
Office girl #2: Ummm... Clear-yellowish-like.
Office girl #1: No infection -- you could have come in!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Why would she answer that??
11AM You Should See Me Paddle Myself
Male coworker #1: Oh, come on. You know you wanted to be in a frat.
Male coworker #2: I am a frat of one.
Linden Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Ethan Holbrook
9AM It's the Aftermath That's a Real Debacle
Single coworker: I tell ya -- sex with crazy girls is great!
Sierra Vista, Arizona
Overheard by: Damn psychopharmaceuticals...
1PM And I Have That Phrase on a Plaque in My Cubicle
Web developer #1: This is going to be ugly, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Web developer #2: That's what she said.
Web developer #1: Even I wasn't expecting that one.
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
11AM When the Blood-Dimmed Tide Is Loosed
20-ish peon #1: I have to go and see my sister and her new baby.
20-ish peon #2: You'll come back smelling like babies. I love that smell.
20-ish peon #3: They smell like uterus.
Parliament Place
West Perth
Australia
9AM Why Work Holidays Exist
Worker #1: This information she sent me isn't right at all. It says 'GMT,' but there's too many time zones.
Worker #2: GMT is General Mountain Time.
Worker #1: I know that already. I'm going to call her now to show her how wrong she is.
Worker #3: Get off the phone before you make an ass of yourself. Didn't either of you ever hear of Greenwich Mean Time?
Worker #2: I guess we're not as sophisticated as you.
Worker #3: Sophisticated? Most grade schoolers know that.
Worker #1, hanging up phone: You remind me of my ex.
Worker #3: If he had to put up with nonsense like that, I understand why he left.
Worker #1: I left him; he didn't leave me.
Worker #3: Is he grateful for this?
Worker #1: You make me sick.
Worker #3: Was it something I said?
500 West Cummings Park
Woburn, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Charlise
5PM Until She Went "Peekaboo!"
Office girl #1: She couldn't find my cervix. My cervix!
Office girl #2: You do know everyone can hear you, right?
Office girl #1: No, no, wait -- she found it, she just couldn't see it!
43rd Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
3PM Worst. Staff Meeting. Ever.
Office girl: Hey! I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?
Office guy: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. Half my ear was bit off [turns to show bandaged ear].
Office girl: Oh my god, that's awful! Human or animal?
Office guy: Human.
Boston, Massachusetts
2PM They Will Go on Forever Like This If Not Stopped
Cube guy #1: I'm gonna need your help today getting into the client.
Cube guy #2: Didn't you do what I told you to do yesterday?
Cube guy #1: Oh, yeah. That worked -- I got in from the back end, but I want to get in the front of the box.
Cube guy #2: Well, to get in the front end of the client you need to follow a very different procedure.
Cube guy #1: Right, that's what I need. I'm hoping you could give me a little direction if you've ever done it that way.
Cube guy #2: Sure, that's the way I usually go in.
Internet company
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
10AM You Can Come If You Want
Lady worker: There's a party in my uterus!
South Park Circle
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Meg
4PM How You Know Your Coworker's a Virgin
Younger guy peon: You know, I've never had any experience with ladies from the Pacific Rim.
Older guy peon: Really? Well, lemme tell you something. Their hair down there is dark, straight, and soft.
Younger guy peon, thoughtfully: ... Like a puppy dog's ears?
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Beef and Ale
9AM It's the Core of Who I Am
Office peon #1: Was I talking to you about mint bowls?
Office peon #2: No, but I have had this conversation with many people, many times.
Atlee Station Road
Mechanicsville, Virginia
1PM And I Haven't Even Gotten Started on Helen's Yeast Issues
Coworker #1: Hey, does anyone here have the athlete's foot?
Coworker #2: Not currently... But I think Jerry* has jock itch.
Coworker #1: Thanks. You've been real helpful.
Peachtree Parkway
Norcross, Georgia
Overheard by: disease free
12PM But All It Said Was "Please Remember to Recycle"
Female sales exec: Did you get that e-mail I sent you?
Male sales exec: Yeah.
Female sales exec: What'd you think?
Male sales exec: I'd give it a 90 percent.
Female sales exec: What made you take 10 off?
Male sales exec: It didn't say anything about Jesus being the savior. I mean, that's why we celebrate Christmas. You can't have Christmas without Easter.
Female sales exec: Oh.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: So I can't call it Xmas?
11AM Unlike Tap Dancers?
Electronics clerk: If I were a tap dancer, I'd tap dance all over the store.
Jewelry clerk: Like this? [Flails arms and pretends to tap dance.]
Electronics clerk: No... That was gay.
2600 Midland Boulevard
Ft. Smith, Arizona
Overheard by: i love my job
10AM Dessert!
Office chick on phone: My mom is making me a huge meal tonight for my birthday... Bacon-wrapped filet mignon with blue cheese on top, Caesar salad, and roasted potatoes.
Neighboring cube guy: I just nutted a little on my keyboard.
4004 East Chapel Hill Parkway
Durham, North Carolina
12PM Putting Everclear in the Company Water Cooler Turned Out Poorly
Grunt #1: Hey, Stan*! How are you, man?
Grunt #2: Well, my liver hurts.
Baltimore, Maryland
9AM NewsFlash: New Yorkers Cuss. Film at Eleven.
Big nose: What's your favorite swear or curse word?
Big ass: Fuuuck.
Big nose: What the fuck?
Big ass: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Big nose: It's so fucking hot.
Big ass: I'm gonna fuck you up.
Big nose: You are so fucked.
Big ass: I just got fucked.
Big nose: Wanna fuck?
Big ass: Fuck me. [Pause, then] Shit, my boss is coming.
Big nose: We'll resume this again tomorrow, Fuckface.
Big ass: Haha, you win.
Big nose: I always do.
130 West 42nd Street
New York, New York
5PM How You Know You're Not Giving Your Underlings Enough Work
20-something coworker on phone: You know, if you spray keyboard duster in your ear, it gives you a mega head rush.
745 Atlantic Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Say What?
4PM Not after They Peed on My Desk!
Female coworker sitting on desk: Do you want to pet my shoes?
20 Guest Street
Brighton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: not if they bite
3PM Or We Could Just Get Drunk on Punch and Have Sub-Par Sex, Like Usual?
Cube rat #1: Hey, didn't they have one of those money-tubes here at the Thanksgiving party last year?
Cube rat #2: Yeah, where you jump in and catch the money? I got 20 bucks!
Cube rat #1: Hmmm. They should do something festive for the holiday... like canned hams in the tube!
2131 3rd Avenue
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Amused
2PM A Troop of Boy Scouts Disappeared in There in 1985
Female employee #1: I can't wear thong underwear, because they go up into my pussy crack.
Female employee #2: What?! How big are you down there?
Female employee #1: Oh, it's fucking huge.
Fontana, California
12PM Police Interrogators Aren't As Crafty As They Appear on TV
Coworker: So, you went hunting last night?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: Do you gut the deer yourself?
Cube neighbor: Yup.
Coworker: So... I guess you know what the inside of a human looks like, then, right?
701 East Byrd Street
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she just say that?
11AM The Dirty Little Secret of American Musical Theater
Lady peon #1: Man. I gave my mom her Christmas gift last night -- you know, that DVD I got her yesterday -- Rent.
Lady peon #2: Yeah.
Lady peon #1: Then I had to sit through two hours of that shit.
Lady peon #2: Is it that bad?
Lady peon #1: Nah, it ain't that bad. It's just all that damn singing...
Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jake
10AM He Asked What I Thought of Our New Mission Statement
Analyst #1: I pooped next to the CEO today.
Analyst #2: Like, in his office?
1 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Paul
5PM Who Leaves a Saber Lying around, Anyway?
Cube jockey #1: Attack me now like how you are talking about.
Cube jockey #2: If I attack you horizontally, it will cut open your middle.
Cube jockey #1: I know. That's okay. Do it anyway.
Santa Clara, California
2PM Or, You Know, Actual India
Male coworker to female, after lunch: I can't believe that you wouldn't eat anything but white rice at the Indian restaurant. You'd never make it at Epcot.
St. Petersburg, Florida
12PM Probably Shouldn't Take 'Em in the Office, Though
Cube rat to another: Yay! I love the blue pills! Yaaay!
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: i want some
11AM It's Like She Won't Even Make an Effort to Be Normal
Woman peon, going to holiday party: So, did you RSVP to this, or just talk to Sandy*?
Bimbette peon: I RSVP-ed -- it's so rude not to. I have a friend who I always invite out, and she never comes.
Woman peon: I hate one-sided friendships.
Bimbette peon: Yeah, I mean, she has MS, but she's always using it as an excuse not to go out. I leave her phone messages, and her husband will call me back and say that she can't go out because her MS is bad. I mean, come on!
Woman peon: That's terrible. How long has she had it?
Bimbette peon: Since I've known her... So, 1995. But, I mean, can't you take a pill for something like that and be okay for a while? The least she could do is return a phone call.
8521 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Lindsay
9AM Or I Might Mock You and Never Let This Die
Australian employee: What's your expression for 'Back of the fag packet'?
American employee: First, you'll have to tell me what a 'fag packet' is. Then I might be able to help.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
1PM Anyone Else Just Have a Startling Realization about the Energizer Bunny?
Order entry lady: It's like they're chasing each other around the apartment!
Shipping manager: Maybe they are.
Order entry lady: Well, he's a little [whispers] fag. So, you know...
Shipping manager: Oh, yeah! Them people stay up all night! They got extra energy!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
3PM A Clear Violation of Alaska Law
Coworker #1: Tuesday through Friday, and then Monday and Tuesday The Simpsons Movie is playing at the [nearby theater].
Coworker #2: Didn't you see it already and say that it sucked?
Coworker #1: Yes, but I was sober.
Library
Anchorage, Alaska
12PM I Haven't Received Any Complaint Messages
Coworker #1, to editor: Do you know where the call-in phone number on the back of XYZ Publication* goes to?
Coworker #2: I have no idea.
Coworker #1: Well, [boss] called the other day and asked where it went to. I called it just now, and it answers with the voice of Dana*, but she hasn't worked here in seven months!
Coworker #2, looking at Dana's empty desk area: I guess that it just goes to her phone, and whoever gets that extension will get all of the messages.
Coworker #1: So it doesn't matter to you that readers might be calling in and leaving messages that are not being returned?
Coworker #2: No.
45 Leveroni Court
Novato, California
10AM ... In a Cardboard Box Labeled "Sports Equipment"
40-ish cube dweller #1: Hey, do you have a Star Trek costume I can borrow?
40-ish cube dweller #2: Why are you asking me? Why didn't you ask Kevin*? What makes you think that I have one?
40-ish cube dweller #1: Well, do you?
40-ish cube dweller #2: Yes. [Very long pause.] But only the shirt. It's a blue one like Spock wore. I also have the tricorder and the gold sash from the 'Mirror, Mirror' episode. I'll bring it in tomorrow.
Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland
12PM ... Speaking of Crap.
20-ish woman peon #1: So, I started my cleanse this week--
20-ish woman peon #2: --Wait, are we talking about poop again? Why are we always talking about poop? Aren't we a little young for this? [Others stare blankly.] Well, I am strangely comfortable with it. [Others keep staring, so #2 leaves, griping] I hate Oprah.
44th Street
Phoenix, Arizona
10AM You Thinking What I'm Thinking?
Lady peon: Argh! John* is so retarded!
Male peon: You say that about everyone. According to you, we could get a tax break with all the mentally handicapped people we employ...
Speer Boulevard and Zuni Avenue
Denver, Colorado
10AM It's All the Asparagus I Eat
Cube rat #1: You want a squirt of this stuff?
Cube rat #2: Sure, I'd like a squirt of your stuff.
Cube rat #1: I just love the ways this stuff smells.
Cube rat #2: And it feels great, also!
Slokie, Illinois
Overheard by: Electrical Estimator
9AM Why Do You Wheeze While Asking Me That?
Coworker #1: ... Kind of scary. I just don't know how I feel about that.
Coworker #2: It's not a big deal. It's a game. It's fun.
Coworker #1: Oh... So, wait -- do they eat the dreidel?
West 58th Street
New York, New York
3PM We're Right on Top of That, Senator
Coworker on cell: So, my friend was like, 'Dude, they might not let you get on a plane...' So how do I found out if there's a warrant out for my arrest?
28 East 28th Street
New York, New York
1PM She's Moving Very Fast
Office guy #1: Look! There goes the cocaine lady! You should try to catch her!
Office guy #2: Damn, she's gone! Maybe next time.
Clackamas, Oregon
Overheard by: Stephanie
11AM Relax -- Clearly Not about You
Coworker #1, writing a vacuum product description: Does 'extra long' have a hyphen in it?
Coworker #2: Dude, are you writing spam?
58th Street and 1st Avenue
Brooklyn, New York
9AM A Description Best Reserved for Martha Stewart
Black woman, before an interview: I'll let you do the talkin', 'cause you're a code cracker.
White dude: ... What?!
Black woman: You know -- you can read between the lines and figure out if she's telling the truth.
White dude: I thought you just called me a 'cold crackah'!
SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: The real cold cracker
4PM Is That Supposed to Make Me Feel Better?
Redhead peon: I think I'm getting a migraine.
Blonde peon: Well, like... At least your butt's not peeling!
44135 5 Mile Road
Plymouth, Michigan
1PM What? It Worked for Davy Crockett
Female coworker: First, let me choke a bear...
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
12PM Roger Decides to Have a Protein Shake at His Desk
Male cube rat: What are we doing for lunch? I'm craving meat.
Female cube rat #1, grinning: What kind of meat?
Male cube rat: Hmmm... A big, juicy steak, with a side of fried chicken.
Female cube rat #2: How about a Reuben sandwich?
Male cube rat: No, no, I don't want female meat -- I want man meat!
All within earshot: Reeeally?!
Male cube rat: Awww, crap.
2916 21st Street NE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Neverlivingitdown
10AM Wasn't There a Rule about Only Making New Rules on Even-Numbered Days?
Mailroom girl #1: Ugh! No speaking in French while I'm counting mail!
Mailroom girl #2: Sweet Jesus, every day there's a new rule!
Ft. Lowell and Alvernon
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: dances with wolverines
4PM You'll Look Just Like Justin Timberlake
Drone: Just shave your bum fluff off and stick on your face!
Canberra
Australia
2PM I Had a Very Progressive High School Biology Teacher
Cube monkey #1: It's not like there are a lot of straight people at this office to sleep with.
Cube monkey #2: You could sleep with the IT guy -- Harold*.
Cube monkey #1: Ew, he's a whore. I don't want to get crotch rot.
Cube monkey #2: What on earth is crotch rot? I've never heard of that.
Cube monkey #3: Not only have I heard of it, I have smelled it!
731 Pilot Road
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Anna
1PM As It States Clearly on My Medical Alert Bracelet
Lab tech, during fire evacuation: Paul*, get out of the shade. It's not in the safety zone.
Paul: But I'm fat. I can't stand in the sun.
650 Cathill Road
Sellersville, Pennsylvania
11AM Though He Has Been Tallying the Days in Crayon on His Crib Wall
Worker #1: How's everything with the baby?
Worker #2: He seems to be pleased with his accommodations. At least he hasn't complained verbally.
Elmsford, New York
Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief
9AM Buddha: There Is a Way, but You Won't Like It
Frustrated coworker: This karma thing has got to stop!
Husargatan 3 Uppsala
Sweden
4PM ... She Was Telling Me a Pointless Story.
Eager peon: Did I tell you I had a dream about Whoopi? It's so funny, because -- and you'll find this funny -- it's so weird, I promise you. I had this dream with Whoopi, I guess because she's on The View now, and I had this the weekend before she was on The View, and I had this dream that it was just me and Whoopi and we were all alone--
Coworker, interrupting: --I had a dream about your mom.
Bank
Atlanta, Georgia
2PM Who Hasn't Felt That Way about Dr. Phil?
Cube monkey, looking at silly string: Aw, fuck it, let's just piss on him!
29305 Orchard Lake Road
Farmington Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Ron
12PM Only If You Give a Shit
QA guy #1: So, there's a bunch of shit going down with the shit. I was going to try and finish that shit, but then all of this shit came up. Can't they get the shit to work? I mean, get your fucking shit together. You know what I mean?
QA guy #2: I do. I totally do, man. It's worrisome.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
11AM I Had to Bite My Tongue Bloody, Though
Coworker #1: She keeps sending me e-mails from home, wanting me to do all this shit that can totally wait until she gets back in the office... She's supposed to be on vacation, for Christ's sake!
Coworker #2: So just tell her to back off!
Coworker #1: Nah... I e-mailed her and told her she should be using this time to relax and recharge, and that we would tackle this stuff once she's back in the office and refreshed from vacation.
Coworker #2: Wow... That's the most eloquent 'Fuck you' I've ever heard!
Carruthers Parkway
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: quite impressed
2PM Could Be Worse. Could Be Foot Skin.
Male worker #1, pointing at desk: What is that?
Male worker #2: I don't know.
Male worker #1: It looks like a booger, and it's not mine!
Male worker #2: How do you know it's not yours? It's on your desk!
Male worker #1: Because I eat mine.
Male worker #2: Oh, God...
1574 South West Temple
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Shaun
9AM The Way Ugly Ideas Come Out of Missouri
Male coworker: So,what's new?
Female coworker, surfing the net: I don't know... Britney Spears had her kids taken away.
Male coworker: I heard about that.
Female coworker: They're not very cute, anyway.
Male coworker: It's because she has an ugly puss.
Female coworker: What?!
Male coworker: Women with ugly vaginas have ugly babies.
East Evergreen Street
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Sarah
3PM If I Don't Give You the Visual, You'll Never Learn
Cube guy #1: Wow, that girl with Tina* is hot. Who is she?
Cube guy #2: That's her daughter.
Cube guy #1: Damn, man! Why isn't she my daughter?
Cube guy #2: What does that mean?
Cube guy #1: I dunno. I meant--
Cube guy #2: --Dude, that means you'd have to sleep with--
Cube guy #1: --I know, I know, I'm sorry! Messed up... You didn't have to give me the visual.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Cube Guru
12PM Ah, Now I Remember. "You're Fired."
New HR clerk: Hey, I forgot what I just said. What did I just say?
Old HR clerk: Sorry, but I'm still busy trying to remember your name.
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
5PM Sorry, Everyone -- Sorry!
Worker bee: Well... That's the last time I put fiber powder on my macaroni and cheese.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
11AM Because People Generally Don't
Cube rat poking head over cube wall: I was just banging you. Did you feel that?
8900 Raintree Drive
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM I'm Like, "What Are You Doing, Mom?"
Worker #1: Every time I kiss her, she tries to stick her tongue in my mouth.
Worker #2: What's wrong with that?
Worker #1: I just don't think it's appropriate. She is married, after all.
Seattle, Washington
4PM Gimme a Hand with It, Okay?
From inside copy room: Oh my god, my flap's gone up! Don't you hate it when your flap goes up?
Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: EM
2PM The Gold Metal Bikini's Pretty Cool, Though
Office girl commenting on CEO's haircut: What happened to her?
Queer coworker: I know! It looks like something they created for Star Wars and then rejected: 'Ewww, too ugly!'
701 G Street
Washington, DC
1PM The Dress Code Still Requires Pasties on Casual Friday
Accounts receivable lady: I don't mean to be rude, but could one of you unhook my bra? I've about had it with this stupid thing! [Order entry woman unhooks lady's bra, and lady takes her bra off to swing around in air while keeping her shirt on.] Freedom! Freedom at last!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: never a dull moment
12PM These Are the Options?
Office dude: Some of the guys here are so blatant when they stare at and talk about cute girls that work here. I think it's demeaning.
Office chick: Yeah, but I would rather be sexually harassed for being attractive than have guys call me 'ugly.' Wow... I just set the feminist movement back, like, 50 years.
Seattle, Washington
11AM I'm No Longer Sure I Want to Get into This
Girl assistant: Well, how often do you move your bowels?
Queer assistant: You mean, like, sit-ups?
745 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: finance is funny
9AM Did I Mention the Horses in Gynecological Stirrups?
Medical scientist #1: You know, they've got sheep in the basement...
Medical scientist #2: Our basement?!
Medical scientist #1: Yeah. It's for heart surgery experiments. They bring them up for MRIs at night.
Medical scientist #2: There are sheep using our MRI machines?!
Medical scientist #1: Well, they're only small ones...
Hospital, Flemington Road
Parkville, Victoria
Australia
12PM I'm Telling
Middle-aged man #1 on speakerphone: You're a poo-poo head.
Middle-aged man #2: Well, you're a pu-pu platter!
Dupont Circle
Washington, DC
11AM Nuns Wore Stilettos
Older worker: You know what they used to call those shoes when I was your age?
Peon wearing ballet flats: Um, I'm not sure I want to know...
Older worker: Slut shoes. You could always tell which girls were easy because they wore shoes just like that.
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: wondering what she'd think of my 3-inch heels
9AM For Those Who Feel Bad about Quitting College
Engineer lady: The price of first class stamps is now 41 cents!
Engineer guy: If they made them in China, they'd be a lot cheaper.
3003 West Casino Road
Everett, Washington
4PM You Get Used to Double-Entry Is the Best I Can Say
Receptionist: You can do that while you're sleeping?!
Accounting girl: Well, yeah.
Receptionist: ... Does it feel good?
Accounting girl: [Shrugs.]
Hutchinson, Kansas
Overheard by: The Temp
11AM Have We Learned Nothing from the "Cock Diagram" Incident?
Secretary: Can you believe the new temp said her favorite movie was Blow?!
HR director: I am not familiar with that. Look up 'blow' on Google.
Accounting manager: I wouldn't do that if I was you.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Condi Rice Finally Loses It
Loud office lady: I don't need to learn no more. You know money, you know dick, you know pussy -- you don't need to know no more.
Government office, 400 Maryland Avenue SW
Washington, DC
4PM Just Easily Distracted. Look -- a Bug!
Accountant: It was my son's first day of second grade, and it took him two hours to do his homework.
Sales rep: Awww, poor guy. What kind of homework?
Accountant: It was a word search...
Sales rep: [Silence.]
Accountant: But he's not stupid or anything.
2100 Lafayette Street
Louisiana
3PM Or Maybe Like Epcot without Them
Grunt: I don't like Vegas. Actually, I liked Vegas when the mob ran it. Now it's like Disneyland with hookers.
402 Watertower Circle
Colchester, Vermont
Overheard by: Bastian
12PM Gotta Love That Extra-Thick Straw
Cube rat #1: Slurpees are the best things ever. Hawaiian Punch Slurpee, man. Only second to lemonade Slurpee.
Cube rat #2: I haven't had a Slurpee in, like, 20 years.
Cube rat #1: You're ridiculous.
Cube rat #2: You're gay!
Cube rat #1: Gay for my Slurpees.
12012 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, Virginia
11AM I Set My Expectations Low, and I Still Got Burned
Coworker, after snow predicted night before: So, I want to know what happened to the one to three inches I was promised.
Portland, Oregon
10AM And the Winner of Today's "Most Entertaining Location" Contest...
Male worker bee: Do you know it's getting closer?
Female worker bee: Closer every day.
Male worker bee: But do you know what that means to me?
Female worker bee: I do. Eggs!
Intercourse, Pennsylvania
4PM I Have to Prepare Myself with Prayer and Meditation
Old lady coworker, about four-year-old niece: I'm minding Lydia* tonight, so I thought I'd leave early to read the directions on the macaroni and cheese.
1500 JFK Boulevard
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: it takes an hour
11AM I Need a Birthday Present for My Daughter
UPS guy: Hey [FedEx guy] -- while you're in there, can you pick me up some of those neon green spandex?
FedEx guy, delivering to American Apparel: Thong or panties?
UPS guy: Thong -- extra-small.
Story Street
Cambridge, Massachusetts
10AM Younger Workers May Arrive in Your Office with No Discernible Social Skills
Peon: Yeah, that would be a total chick magnet. Just say, 'Hey, you wanna come and, uh, meet my manatee?'
1100 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Clair
5PM And That's All There Is to Say about Mary Magdalene
Office peon: I was dating this girl for a while, and then she found Jesus and we stopped doing things, and that was that.
California
4PM That's What You Get for Vetoing My Slip-n-Slide Idea
Female coworker #1: You can't blow them if you're laughing.
Female coworker #2: I guess that's true.
Female coworker #3: Even when I blow them they keep coming back into my face. This is why you should not have bubbles at an office party!
Houston, Texas
3PM Try to Catch Me after My Mid-Morning Speed Break
Peon: Hey, can you help me with something?
Frazzled coworker: Honestly, I'm too wasted right now.
84th Street and Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: sagehen
1PM While Your Coworker Holds It... What?
Lackey #1: My buddy tells me he exercises his cock in the shower by doing curls with a wet towel.
Lackey #2: That's ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to do that is by flexing your chode muscle all day long.
100 Wall Street
New York, New York
3PM Judi Dench Fan-Fic Has a Small but Devoted Following
Engineer #1, about coworker's new implants: Dude, I know! She is totally shaped like a cartoon!
Engineer #2: I would really like to get in there and... motorboat, motorboat, motorboat!
Highway 78
Ladson, South Carolina
1PM I Think I May Have Had a Stroke
Senior officer: The event went really well. The speaker was fantastic.
Mid-level officer: Oh, who was the speaker?
Senior officer, after long pause: I gotta go.
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
12PM Stupid Airport Security
Grunt: It's a sad day when you can't bite someone.
1056 Home Avenue
Akron, Ohio
11AM Suspicious White Stuff, Anyway
Front desk girl to maintenance guy, about her empty water bottle: Yeah, there were no babies in it like last time.
5055 International Boulevard
North Charleston, South Carolina
9AM It's Quite Possible That Women Have Dirtier Minds Than Men
Female coworker: Why do you shake your mustard like that?
Male coworker: To mix it up real good so I don't get the pre-mustard on my sandwich.
Female coworker: I am never eating lunch with you again.
West Lexington Street
Baltimore, Maryland
5PM It's Been a Full Day All Around
Office grunt slamming down phone: I get an empty meal slot filled and you jizz all over me!
Columbus Circle
New York, New York
Overheard by: Standing Aside
4PM Got Your Claviers, Your Harpsichords -- Even Your Dulcimers
Worker #1: Luke*, you deal in organs, right?
Worker #2: Yeah, man. I got all that stuff.
Carlson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: watching my kidneys
1PM Maintenance? Yeah, Hurry -- Her Coolant Is Leaking
Preggers coworker: Call maintenance and tell them to get the air conditioning fixed! You tell them I'm pregnant and I'm in heat up here!
Front Road
Kingston, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Neil Davall
11AM Who Says "an FYI"?
Office peon on phone: Just an FYI -- Sarge plays with the vibrating Hello Kitty all the time.
Newark, Delaware
1PM Just Another Day at the Ancient Joke Recycling Company
Worker chick, looking at something on floor: What is that?
Worker guy #1: Oh, that's a... crab.
Worker chick: We have crabs?
Worker guy #1: Yeah, I see them in the parking lot, too!
Worker guy #2: Soup!
Cypress and Westshore
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: wish I had protection...
5PM I Told You to Stop Taking Shortcuts through the Elementary School
Coworker #1: Yeah, Sue* and I were in the middle of a big drug deal this morning.
Coworker #2: Nice! I walked through a prostitution ring on my way here.
2110 Western Avenue
Seattle, Washington
3PM And Guess What -- I'm Just As Employable As You
Housekeeping lady, emptying cubicle garbages: Were you in a training class all week?
Engineer: Yes. It made for a long week.
Housekeeping lady: I swore I would never go back to another class after I graduated high school.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Lisa
12PM FEMA, Is That You?
Engineer: What's the time frame on this? I don't have time for it right now.
Project manager: ASAP, but it can wait for now.
Von Karman Avenue
Irvine, California
11AM Except No Pedophile Would Want Any Kid You'd See in Wal-Mart
Worker #1: They were being mean to her on Facebook.
Worker #2: What's Facebook?
Worker #3: Oh, it's like MySpace.
Worker #2: MySpace... That's like Wal-Mart for pedophiles.
2100 Lakeshore Drive
Birmingham, Alabama
5PM Just Accept That Some of Your Colleagues Will Be Scumbags
Male peon in restroom: Hey, I didn't know we had soap in here!
8110 South Harvard Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Icked out female coworker
4PM Psh, Like That Matters
Secretary: Wait, don't you have to be in the military to run for president?
Worker: No. I've taken karate in the past, so I get to skip that step.
Secretary: Oh... But do you really think you'd get enough votes?
5000 South Lewis Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Whoa Now
2PM I'll Get Back to You Later With Some Followup Questions
Office drone #1, rubbing head: I'm so confused.
Office drone #2: Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.
Office drone #1: Uh, thanks, but that's not what I meant.
Eldridge Parkway and Memorial Drive
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Johnny
12PM And Stop Playing with That Gun
Civil engineer: If cigarettes are bad for you, then why are they such big business? You wouldn't be allowed to buy them if they killed you.
Environmental health and safety specialist: Do you ever pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth?
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern biologist
10AM Did You Need Another Reason Not to Wear Camel Hair?
Man #1: Yeah, sometimes things are just different.
Man #2: Yeah, sometimes I get rug burn on my love handles.
Home office
Bentonville, Arkansas
Overheard by: SamsGuy
3PM Chickens in Guy-Suits Are Much More Common in Politics
Reporter #1: How should I identify a chicken at a press conference? There was a guy in a chicken suit who refused to give me his name.
Reporter #2: If it was a guy in a suit, I think you'd have to call him an 'Unidentified chicken impersonator.'
400 East Pratt Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Jack Ace, reporter-at-large
2PM And Why Does It Have Eyes and Hair?
Cube wench: What's this stuff coming out of me?
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Shameless Leprechaun
9AM That's Who?
Old hacker: You look like Che Guevara... You don't know who that is, do you?
Young artsie #1, sheepishly: No...
Young artsie #2: Did you see Motorcycle Diaries?
Young artsie #1, excitedly: Yes! [Sadly] But I don't remember it.
Young artsie #2: That's him.
6th and Washington
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Hack Prime
4PM Call Me "Bitch" or Nothing at All
Timid 20-year-old: Excuse me, ma'am...
Sassy 30-year-old: I know you didn't just 'Ma'am' me!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
3PM Good Luck Finding Anybody Else
Coworker packing her stuff as she quits: Jesus will pay my unemployment! I cannot work around you, the wicked!
Park Avenue South
New York, New York
11AM Which Is Part of the Reason I've Been Fired
Worker bee: It's like he's a totally different person. I'm not sure if it's him or if he's been taken over by aliens. I keep checking him for anal probes.
Denver, Colorado
4PM And All Its Dancing Queens
Office grunt: Why the fuck does Stan* have to listen to ABBA all day? God, I hate Sweden.
Hillsboro, Texas
Overheard by: Purchasing Slave
9AM What Passes for Nightlife in Baltimore
Office girl #1: Last night, when I went up on my roof to smoke, I saw the masturbator again.
Office girl #2: I'm coming over!
Eutaw Street
Baltimore, Maryland
2PM Dude, What If He's a Hologram?
Grunt #1: Seriously, dude, what the hell is up with Ahmed's* hair?
Grunt #2: I know what you mean. It's like someone turned up the gamma setting on his head -- like, all the way.
555 West Imperial Highway
Brea, California
Overheard by: Yannibmbr
3PM Kind of a Lousy Choice for a Penile Implant, Eh?
Female colleague #1: Isn't it amazing?
Female colleague #2: Oh, come on -- it's made of felt.
Female colleague #1: Exactly...
Munich
Germany
Overheard by: Dapbim
5PM Followed by "Can't Get Off the Couch" and "Help Me, Dr. Phil"
Hospital aide: Yeah, these pants come in 'Large' and 'Holy shit, you're fat'!
Hospital
Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: The other aide
4PM And Kids Are Pretty Slippery to Start With
Worker bee in bathroom stall: I don't mind as long as he doesn't try to lube the kids with it. After all, those burns can be nasty.
10th Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
10AM My Label Says "Keep Away from Children"
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Blank stare.]
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: [Slight smirk.]
Coworker #1: What is it?
Coworker #2, smiling: Are you with child?
Coworker #1, growling: No!
Coworker #2: [Turns and quickly walks back to her office.]
600 Peachtree Street Northeast
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: cant believe she said it
5PM Our Feet, for Instance
Office hottie #1: Just think of all the stuff we put in our mouths that we don't think about...
Office hottie #2: Ummm...
8891 Gander Creek
Dayton, Ohio
4PM Everyone Who Looks at You Will Smile
Gate agent: How cute you look in your outfit, Maria*!
Ramp agent in fluorescent jumpsuit, heading out to Tarmac: I look like a gigantic yellow highlighter.
Boarding area, JetBlue flight to JFK
Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
11AM You Can Take Recycling Too Far
Office grunt: His lunch smells like he took a shit on a plate and microwaved it.
265 North Western Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Melissa B.
4PM Best Boss I've Ever Had
Lady worker: He's the type of person that stands outside when it's raining to see if it's wet enough!
Commerce Street
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: pedestrian
2PM But Dr. Van Helsing Was There with a SpongeBob Bandage
Coworker, explaining Band-Aid inside his elbow: Dracula got me.
1250 Broadway
New York, New York
1PM By a Tentacle
Cube rat: They need to have some kind of alien baby hanging off the front page...
Golden, Colorado
Overheard by: Peon
12PM Adequate Compension for My Stealing Your Wife
Editor, singing: I'm going to steal your chair when you're dead!
6th and Lavaca Streets
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: not getting up
11AM Might We Suggest a Job at FEMA?
Reporter: Aw, Alex*. Look at you helping people.
Editor, disgusted: I know. It really turns my stomach.
Press building
New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
4PM And Die?
Office peon, brightly: Well, you're never too old to stop learning!
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Think I'll Do That
3PM The Heartbreak of Ugly Panty Line Can Strike without Warning
Lady peon to another: I'm so sorry! It's just a weird thing, and I usually don't hear that happening to a guy!
2211 North 1st Street
San Jose, California
10AM I Had to Do Something While the Stereo Was Being Installed
Mousy waitress: Did it take you long to put it in?
Timid waiter: Like an hour.
Brassy waitress, walking up: We talkin' 'bout the big stereo in your car or your big wang in a skeezer's ass?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM ... From My Mom
30-ish guy shouting from desk: What's a MILF? [Everyone laughs.] No, really -- what is a MILF? I just got an e-mail about it!
Virginia
5PM Tonight's Movie: Sideways
Colleague #1: Hey, that girl -- does she have those underwear on the wrong way?
Colleague #2: Yeah. Funny, huh?
Terrell, Texas
Overheard by: HR Rep
4PM Without Drugs, the Restaurant Business Would Cease to Exist
Guy training hostess to roll silverware: Do you know how to roll a blunt?
Hostess: No...
Guy: Well, it's pretty much the same way.
Mexican Restaurant
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Hilary
3PM Oh, Shut Up and Put Your Shirt on
Office guy: Have you been working out?
Intern: Uh, yeah, why?
Office guy: I can tell [walks away].
Intern, to another: Was he just hitting on me?
Parkway Drive
Hanover, Maryland
1PM Neither Improves the Turkey's Flavor, Though
Lady peon: You can fit a lot tampons in there, but pads are a completely different story.
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: So What?
11AM The Miscarriage Surfaced Three Days Later, Though
Office grunt: So, I had this one night stand with this girl, and the next day I got a phone message that said, 'I had a miscarriage in your toilet.' Then she came back and cleaned my entire apartment and paid my phone bill, and I never heard from her again.
6th and Main Street
Los Angeles, California
5PM Good, Clean Battles to the Death
Male coworker to lady coworkers, about relationship with sister: We never said anything nasty to each other -- it was just physical violence.
Hemel Hempstead
United Kingdom
Overheard by: sticks and stones...
2PM I Feel Bad for Him after the Tar-and-Feather Incident
Peon, after colleague leaves: I thought we agreed you weren't going to talk to him so he wouldn't come over any more!
Alpharetta, Georgia
1PM ... For the Smothering
Coworker: I wish I could get to the paper first. She always finds the obituaries before I get a chance and cuts them out... Except for the time my grandma died and my mom placed a huge obit out of guilt.
Yamhill Street
Portland, Oregon
11AM And Then Offered Us a Bite
Cube dweller #1: Oooh, Friday is in full swing.
Cube dweller #2: What makes you say that?
Cube dweller #1: You just used the phrase 'fetus piece.'
35 Thorpe Avenue
Wallingford, Connecticut
Overheard by: jesse
9AM And Whistle While I Work
Worker #1: She is too hot.
Worker #2: Do you want to touch her where she wees?
Worker #3: I want to touch her while she wees.
Norwich
England
3PM And a Half!
Male coworker, as female places personal ad: Did you just say you were five years old?!
21135 Erwin Street
Woodland Hills, California
2PM I'll Shave This Beard, Put on a Nice Dress and Get on the Bus
Coworker to self: I can't perpetuate this freak show.
West Superior Street
Chicago, Illinois
1PM Zippo Pour L'Homme
Editor: I smell lighter fluid. Is that new cologne someone's wearing?
News building, 57th Street and 10th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Nik
11AM There Can Be No Obesity without Denial
Office girl #1: I don't like lettuce.
Office girl #2: You don't eat lettuce? Why'd you get a salad?
Office girl #1: Because I need to lose weight! I'm getting fat!
Office girl #2: What else is that in your salad?
Office girl #1: Chicken.
Office girl #2: Grilled or fried?
Office girl #1: Ummm... Fried...
Office girl #2: Uh-huh... Is that cheese I see in there?
Office girl #1: Yes!
Office girl #2: And are those Bacon Bits?
Office girl #1: Shut up! And no, it's real bacon!
Office girl #2: And you aren't gonna eat the lettuce?
Office girl #1: I will stab you with my fork! Go away!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Why Workplaces Should Have Principals' Offices
Short woman whispering to self, as tall man holds door for her: Shit. Unbelievable. [Tall man stares at her.]
Tall man, to another woman: You know, she did this to me once before. I had to ride the elevator with her muttering to herself about me until another elevator opened across the hall and she ran away into it. [Continues staring at short woman until elevator stops.]
Short woman, yelling as exits the elevator: Maybe it's because you smell!
Other woman: Well, aren't you a charming thing. [Doors shut.]
330 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Dirty Librarian
9AM A Nice One -- Not Too Expensive
Coworker #1: Congrats on your bush transplant!
Coworker #2: Thanks!
Coworker #3, overhearing: Uh, yeah, congrats on your bush transplant. I didn't know that was a procedure. Was it medically necessary?
Coworker #2 to #1: You should have said 'shrubbery' instead!
Austin, Texas
5PM So It's Not All Bad
Lady peon #1: If we keep working at this rate we are A -- going to get sick, B -- going to be tired, and C -- going to hate each other!
Lady peon #2: ... You forgot D -- divorced.
Tallahassee, Florida
3PM Might As Well Shave Your Head While You're at It
Female coworker, as another is delivered flowers: Every time I see the flower delivery guy I hope it's for me. I wish someone would send me something nice like that. Oh, well. I'll just take a piece of chocolate from the candy dish.
Male coworker: That's right, decrease your chances even further.
Route 110
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Drone
12PM Which Answer Will Get Me Change?
Cube girl #1: Do you have change for a ten?
Cube girl #2: Do I look like a stripper?
Stratford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Deek
4PM I Need It to Take My Mood Elevators
Cube rat #1: Um... Where'd they put the fridge that was here?
Cube rat #2: I don't know, but I had juice in there. With vodka in it.
63rd Street and Broadway
New York, New York
2PM Boss Won't Let Me Have a Life-Size Picture
Office lady: Is that one of them giant squids?
PR guy: Yeah.
Office lady: Aren't those huge?
PR guy: Yep.
Washington State University
Pullman, Washington
Overheard by: Pamela
11AM Translation: I Would Kill to See You in Shorts
Worker bee: Are you new here?
Temp: Oh, I'm just temping.
Worker bee: Do you like it?
Temp: Yeah, I'm really enjoying it here.
Worker bee: It's so casual.
Temp: Yeah, I'm glad I can just wear jeans.
Worker bee: You could wear shorts if you wanted. I mean, I don't know if you wear shorts, but people here do, so you totally could. If you wanted.
6300 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
9AM Do You Need an Epipen?
Marketing guy: If 20 characters is the limit for a line, why is it wrapping?
Patient web developer: I used a fake string and we changed the font since then -- some letters are wider than others, so I have some work to do to get it to fit.
Marketing guy: Hmmm... I like it saying 'System Requirements' versus just 'Requirements.'
Patient web developer: ... How many characters is in 'System Requirements'?
Marketing guy: Nineteen characters, including the blank space between the words.
Patient web developer: Right.
Marketing guy: So, how much would that jack with things to be able to fit 19 characters on a line?
Patient web developer: Dude, c'mon. If 20 fits, then 19 will fit.
Marketing guy: That seems like some advanced math to me.
Patient web developer: Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to get all math-y on you.
2550 SW Grapevine Parkway
Grapevine, Texas
Overheard by: Snotted My Water
4PM High Fructose Corn Syrup Comin' at Ya!
Employee #1: Dude, are those the organic ones?
Employee #2, pelting others with jelly beans: No, that's why I'm throwing them.
Organic health food store
Houston, Texas
3PM Measuring Out My Life with Coffee Spoons
Peon: No, thank you. I consider scrapbooking to be a gateway activity. The next thing you know, I'll be going to Tupperware or candle parties.
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM All the Movie Stars Are Doing That Now
Female coworker: First of all, 6:30 is not after work, and second of all, there is nothing wrong with going to your hair appointment shit-faced!
851 Coho Way
Bellingham, Washington
1PM And the Pants
Voice from conference room: Give me back my shirt!
Large law firm
New York, New York
12PM But the Horrified Looks on My Kids' Faces Always Set Me Straight
Sales guy: My daughter had a book when she was little called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: ... Huh?
Sales guy: She had a book called Which Witch is Which.
Sales chick: I thought that was one of your porn movies...
Sales guy: Well, it might be that, too. Porn and children's books... I get them confused.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM The Correct Answer Is "Not at All"
Excited peon #1: Hey, did you know that Anna Nicole Smith died, like, months ago?!
Excited peon #2: Wow! Really? She's the one that lost all that weight, right?
Excited peon #1: Yeah! How'd you like to be the medical examiner doing that autopsy?
480 Washington Boulevard
New Jersey
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
2PM Like a Seizure That Ends in Conversation
Coworker #1: Who's ringing?
Coworker #2: Not me. I vibrate.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM His Death Was Ruled a Justifiable Homicide
Cube rat to neighbor: I think it's worth six million dollars. Wait, I didn't write six million, I wrote six thousand... Or is that your writing? ... Oh, that's the square footage... Duh...
1477 Lansdowne Street
Peterborough, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: slacker
1PM And Really, How Many Impalements Are You Gonna Do in a Year?
Loud coworker on phone: Well, there you go! ... Except that they're not metal spikes anymore, that's not a bad idea.
50 Millstone Road
East Windsor, New Jersey
Overheard by: Wondering what they turned into
12PM But Being a Western State Is So Much Cooler
Secretary: Do you think Texas is a southern state?
Wise woman: I guess.
Secretary: It is the furthest south you can go.
2200 Neal Street
Commerce, Texas
Overheard by: Gibby
10AM So, in Summary, I'm Sorry about Your Desk
Male coworker: The first time I shit in school was in eleventh grade. It was during Chemistry, after gym class. It was on that day I became a man. Since then I'll shit anywhere, basically.
1372 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: ILmatic
4PM It's the Human Default Setting
Proofreader: Joe*, I'm confused.
Typesetter: Are you? That's perfectly normal.
140 East 45th Street
New York, New York
4PM And Neither of Them Knows It
Office chick #1: But why does she do that?
Office chick #2: It doesn't matter -- her boyfriend is so gay!
Melbourne
Australia
12PM IT, the World's Second-Oldest Profession
Lady coworker: I'm going for a walk. My legs are sore from being under that desk all day.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: Tina
11AM Dude, Those Are Self-Sticking Stamps
Records department guy to another: It's great because it's flavored, so you don't get that nasty taste that you normally get.
1740 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM If You Show Up Dressed As Barney Again, We Will Light Your Tail on Fire
Coworker on phone: Just wear your own clothes.
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: DC Diva
4PM Dammit, I'm Looking for Reasons to Do This
Worker bee #1: I don't know about dating him. I can't get over the age difference. It would be--
Worker bee #2: --Like raping a child?
Worker bee #1: Well, no...
Worker bee #2: Not your, like, son...
Worker bee #1: [Silence.]
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Cube Eavesdropper
3PM And Devote Your Full Attention to It
Peon #1: Did you devote your full attention to this?
Peon #2: Bite me.
Wausau, Wisconsin
12PM And She Doesn't Ask Any Questions.
Lady peon to another: Yeah, she lives in Yaphank. She shares her llamas.
789 Park Avenue
Huntington, New York
Overheard by: Cara
11AM Despite Anything You May Have Heard
Worker: It's not chaos, it's pandemonium. They should call it pandemonium. It's a conundrum.
Traffic manager: I don't want a conundrum in my mouth!
3311 Oak Lawn
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: erin
4PM Superhero Transparent Man Has Problems in the Workplace
Male coworker on phone with female worker: Did you get your areolas clean yet? No! Sorry! I meant did you get your area clean? I was going to offer you some Lysol!
West Sam Houston Parkway
Houston, Texas
12PM I Knew Letting Dennis Quaid Pilot a Ship inside My Body Was a Poor Idea
Cube dweller: Ow, my pancreas!
30 North La Salle Street
Chicago, Illinois
11AM I Notice You Didn't Mention Anything About Sobriety...
Worker #1: So, what time do you usually stroll into the office in the morning? I'm assuming you're not an eight AM guy...
Worker #2: What makes you think that?
Worker #1: I'm older -- I know things.
Worker #2: And because I sprint into the office 'cause I'm always late.
Worker #1: So, what time is safe for a meeting? Meaning you need to be able to one: talk, two: listen, three: understand, and four: ask questions if you have them.
336 Robert Street
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Justin
10AM Hoping to Be Reborn As a Gentile?
Worker bee: Do I smell bacon, or am I just having a really awesome stroke?
175 Remsen Street
Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: cubicle island
9AM Lack of Conscience and Sense of Entitlement. Why?
Staffer #1: In your view, how are sociopaths and psychopaths different?
Staffer #2: Why are you doing this?
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
4PM ... It's Probably Time for a Haircut
Coworker to intern: I mean, not that you're a terrorist, but...
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Seriously?
2PM Another Zipper Accident, Ed?
Cube dweller: Well, I'm in a curious pickle... Can anyone else see?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM It's a Lovely Chenille
Employee: I didn't ask to be employee of the month -- the mantle was thrust upon me!
Housewares store
New York, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
10AM Then I Huff Glue in the Supply Closet and Cheer Right Up
Agent #1: I am really upset today about something I saw on the History Channel...
Agent #2: Was it about Nazis?
Agent #1: No, it was about the universe. There are theories out there that say the universe will end in about five billion years.
Agent #2: And that upsets you? Why?
Agent #1: Well, if it is all just going to up and end one day, then what's the point of me doing all this paperwork bullshit?
Agent #2: Oh, I know, it really gets to me too, sometimes.
Washington, DC
5PM For Those Who Are Always Getting Sucker-Taught
Coworker #1: You know how there are teachable moments?
Coworker #2: Yeah.
Coworker #1: Well, there should also be punchable moments.
Austin, Texas
4PM I'd Like to Push Another Boulder Up a Different Hill
Employee #1: If you want to send me your resume, I'll see if they're looking to hire designers. I think they are.
Employee #2: Does the place resemble Hell?
Employee #1: You mean like here?
Employee #2: Yeah. Like, if it's a few shades lighter red, and about half the amount of writhing souls, I'd be interested.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: cube prisoner
3PM Oh, Sure, Now That You Put It That Way
Coworker #1, carrying on secret relationship with #2: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Coworker #1: What are you trying to say?
Coworker #2: I'm not saying anything. You know what I'm saying.
Hospital
New York
1PM Consumers Resist the Next Generation of IPods
Worker lady: I told him, 'You're not going to get the whole thing in -- I have a small mouth and a gag problem.'
343 State Street
Rochester, New York
9AM Someone's Been Listening to State of the Union Addresses Again
Waitress #1: What's with your couple at table five? It's impossible to tell how old they are. They could be in their 20s or 50s.
Waitress #2: That's 'cause they're foreign. All foreign people look like vampires.
River Street
Savannah, Georgia
5PM Good Thing He Hired That Guy to Express Emotions for Him
Attorney #1: Where's Stew*?
Attorney #2: Getting Botoxed.
Attorney #1: Oh, god, not again.
1202 Kettner Boulevard
San Diego, California
1PM Our Secret Formula -- It's Working!
Coworker: There are people making out on the lawn! [Everyone rushes to window to look.]
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Thanking God I'm not white trash
12PM Luckily It Was Faulkner, So Neither of Us Understood It Anyway
Lady peon: So, I was going home on the train the other night, and this drunk guy sat next to me, and I was just sitting reading my book, and I could tell that he was looking at me, so I wasn't looking at him. And then he starts talking, and I realize he's been reading over my shoulder the entire time and now he's reading out loud, and I was like, 'Hey! I haven't even gotten to that part yet!'
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
3PM Any Normal Kid in Boy's Town
Smoking peon: I was like any normal kid -- give me a Butane Torch, and I'm gonna burn everything I can find.
22nd Street and 7th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Christina