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9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair
Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?
810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
1PM If You Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life.
Phone support girl: You see where it says 'Title' at the top? Just fill that in.
Client on other line: What do you mean 'title'?
Phone support girl: You know... Like president, accounts receivable or payable... Whatever your title in your office is.
Client on other line: Can't I just put biotch?
Phone support girl: ... I guess if you wanted to...
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
5PM Sadly, the Answer to "Where's the Bathroom?"
Consultant giving directions over phone: Yeah, it's like an hour away. An hour and a half at the most. Actually, it could be more like two hours... Or two and a half. Probably more like three. About four, I'd say.
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
1PM The Original Forrest Gump Script Left Something to Be Desired
Consultant describing different diagnostic tests to client: Gonorrhea is like a can of chili.
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Kind of a Toxic Waste of Everybody's Time
Reporter: I can't get away from effin' Bernie Smith*. Every time the man farts, the attorney general calls me!
Newsroom
Ocean County, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
5PM Sailing in Search of the Rest of Your Simile
Consultant on phone: You need to set corporate goals. Without goals, you're like a boat on the water.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
5PM When Excel Just Isn't Enough
Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.
East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: marianoelle
5PM Why Pavarotti Had to Write His Lyrics on His Hand.
Music agent slamming phone down angrily: God, he's so unintelligent! I mean, even for a tenor!
1st District
Vienna
Austria
2PM Which Is Why I Keep This Big Stick under My Desk
Legal aide: But we have an agreement with them.
Secretary: Well, agreement is the starting point of arguments.
Office
Malaysia
11AM And You Have Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Salesman: We're looking for your shorts!
8531 East Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Clerk
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
11AM The Best Boss That Ever Had Me
Team leader: She was like some kind of robot lesbian.
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
3PM But If a Cops Film Crew Shows Up, the Shirt Is History
Seminar coordinator: Between keeping my shoes on and keeping my britches on, there'll be no running from me!
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Marissa
3PM For a Dollar, All You're Getting Is an Estimate
Shipping guy: How much handling can you get for a dollar?
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Shannon
4PM Prepare to Be Snubbed and Not Recognize It
Company rep: Good morning, monsieurs and madames! I thought we were all friends, but I've heard that someone here thinks I'm pretentious.
Law firm
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Megsie
3PM Cubicle Butt
Sales guy: So, Tim*, you're finished training that guy already?
Support dude: Yeah, it was going to be all day, but his bottom got sore and he had to go home.
Islington
London
9AM In Fairness, the Hanger Had One of Those Foam Covers
Social worker: Honestly, what parent in their right mind hands a toddler who is just learning to walk a wire hanger as a chew toy in goodwill and thinks it's a good idea?
Medical Center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: makin a difference
12PM You're Not at High Times Anymore, Toto
Managing editor, on drug screening: We even test the interns. I was shocked by that. I thought everyone just assumed they were stoned all the time.
Newspaper office
Ohio
Overheard by: I didn't get the job
10AM But at Least You've Stopped Throwing Your Cat Up into Trees
Scientist at desk to tech in lab: Just because you want to see hot firemen doesn't mean you have to set off the alarm!
20925 Crossroads Circle
Waukesha, Wisconsin
1PM The Rangers Go Recruiting Again
Values trainer, on being equal opportunity employer: ... And, just so you know, the Midwest office gave an offer to a paraplegic last month. He's paralyzed from the neck down -- can't move anything below the neck. So there's a great example of the firm walking the talk.
55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
1PM ... When We Started Getting Letter Grades
Consultant: I was a straight-A student until fourth grade.
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Adam
1PM I'll Just Put on My Earflap Hat
Worker bee: Will this be in Canadian or English?
100 Centre Drive
Austin, Texas
1PM Which We Do, Since We Voted for Bush in 2004
Partner to associates at attorney meeting: Billable hours are down for the year. Based on what we've billed so far, we have approximately four attorneys too many... assuming people are fungible.
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM I Love Denny's
Developer to business analyst: Well, if I get herpes, it tasted really good.
3600 American Boulevard
Bloomington, Minnesota
11AM Dog Show Judging Is a Thankless Job
Director: I guess he was too busy measuring gonads. That's what he does -- measures gonads.
11 West Jones Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: How big are they?
3PM If It Weren't for IBS, I'd Have No Reason to Get Up in the Morning
Designer: I'm bored and all the bathrooms are full.
605 Lakeview Drive
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: so what?
11AM For Once, the Shittiest Thing in Our House Isn't The L Word
Software developer to web designer: Our toilets don't flush, so we don't need cable television anymore. This is not a metaphor.
5th Avenue
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Logic Impaired
3PM Our Slogan: We're Quivering to Help You
Presenter: Right, so not only do you have to help each other, but you also have to service your members.
Hotel
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: really bored
11AM So: Questions?
US sales manager in teleconference: We gotta let the elephant be the hot dog right outta the shoe.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
12PM At the Law Firm of Nasty, Brutish and Short
Maintenance guy: You gotta get your key out real quick or they're gonna swing an ax.
420 Western Avenue
Albany, New York
4PM I Want to See the Baby Eat the Cobra
Art director: Does anyone want to see a baby wrestle a cobra?
West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM The "T" Is Silent but Deadly
Receptionist: Farce? Is that like farts?
352 7th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'll try and be nicer to them from now on
2PM Which, by the Way, Don't Knock Unless You've Tried
CSR: Do you know the part number of the item you are looking for?
Customer: It's C-S...
CSR: C-S? As in 'cat sandwich'?
Braintree, Massachusetts
10AM Should Have Just Used Duct Tape
Receptionist: ... And let me just tell you, those at-home wart freezers do not work on your poonani.
Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Glad I wore my space suit
4PM Pay No Attention to My Hooves
Realtor: Want a cookie?
Investor: Nah, I can't -- it's not kosher.
Realtor: Sure it is.
Investor: No, I can't. I'm Jewish. I gotta abide by the law.
Realtor: Come on, it's just one cookie.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused assistant
11AM He's the Go-To Guy for Reproduction Problems
Receptionist on door intercom: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay [hangs up]. Bob*, a guy from RICO is here to service you.
Hangar Place
Allentown, Pennsylvania
2PM It's Just Confusing Me
Media agency lady: Yeah, I met one of your constituents last week.
Sales rep: Well, that would be Ted*, I'm guessing.
Media agency lady: No, it was some sweet young thing.
Sales rep: Oh, well, then that would be Mindy*.
Media agency lady, laughing: Yeah, it was Mindy. Mindy is a piece of work [laughs harder].
Sales rep, chuckling nervously: Wow, that makes me want to ask you so many questions!
Media agency lady, wiping tears from her eyes: Yeah, I bet it does... None of which I would answer, but the fact that you want to ask them should tell you something.
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Some Lives May Be Better Unexamined
Canadian arborist: Check it out. I can streamline the camera in the town square back at home in Brandon. I called my dad and told him to drive by and wave. Sometimes, if you watch long enough, you can see someone crash.
Westchester, New York
10AM And Spell It for the Court Reporter
Lobbyist: Who's your favorite consultant?! Who?! Say my name!
K Street
Washington, DC
1PM See, There's Another Great Thing about Western Values
Abs instructor pointing out muscle groups: That's the great thing about being the instructor -- you get to touch.
Army base
Iraq
Overheard by: The Touched
5PM It Does, but Not in the Way You Mean
Graphic designer holding two envelopes with different designs: Are you curious?
Marketing coordinator: I dunno... Are you bi-curious?
Graphic designer, stunned: Do you know what that means?
Marketing coordinator: Ummm... Doesn't it mean doubly curious?
401 South Jackson Street
Seattle, Washington
12PM The Cow Was Found to Be Negligent
Lawyer #1: I can't wait to get rid of those cows.
Lawyer #2: I thought you liked your cows.
Lawyer #1: Well, I did, but then one of them got a little too close and now I have a large bruise on my right thigh.
Lawyer #2: You were just too proximate.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
9AM Now I Drive the Truck
Ad lady: Yeah, I was always the one who rolled around on the floor and threw myself under a truck, but not anymore.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
3PM In the Sense That It Wouldn't Affect Us
Engineer: If there's a meltdown from us making [a particular mistake], how much damage would it do around the plant?
Sales guy: It's actually for New Brunswick, so it wouldn't be too big a deal.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Not moving to New Brunswick anytime soon
3PM He Does Freddies
Bond salesperson to trader: Yeah, Stew's* pretty conservative. He doesn't do Fannies.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar
12PM He's a Fendivore
Woman: Watch out for him -- he eats women's shoes.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Glad I'm wearing men's shoes
9AM Lesbians: Somebody Is Making Waffles?
Receptionist on phone: Yeah, but at this point I'd really rather have waffles than lesbians.
Office building, Downtown Crossing
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: what?
3PM And Flicking Them at Another Toddler
Photo person cleaning out pump nozzle of green hand sanitizer: This is just like picking boogers out of a toddler!
Prudential Plaza
Chicago, Illinois
5PM And Clean Up after Yourselves
Flight attendant: ... And if this love plane becomes a love boat, please use your seat cushion as a flotation device.
Sacramento International Airport
California
Overheard by: Wishing I wasn't sitting next to my grandmother
1PM I'd Have to See Them Dance
Female potential juror: I can't sit on a jury for religious reasons. I don't believe in judging people.
Lawyer: This is a negligence case. You won't be deciding if somebody is good or evil. There's no question of morality involved.
Female potential juror: Whatever -- it's against my religious convictions to judge people.
Lawyer: You understand that we're not asking you to send someone to Hell -- you just have to decide whether or not they were clumsy.
Supreme Court
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
11AM No, Wait, What Am I Thinking? That's Not a State.
CSR: Yeah, Alabama is first. I can't think of any other states that start with 'A'... Mhmmm... Oh, right, Arizona. And Iowa.
Boston, Massachusetts
1PM And What Is Your Plan for Keeping It from Them?
Analyst: I can give you the numbers in those divisions, but you can't go public with it.
Marketing manager: I'm not going to go public with it, just present it at a meeting.
Analyst: Who's going to be at the meeting?
Marketing manager: It's a stakeholder meeting. So, whoever wants to, you know. It's open to the public.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
5PM Even If It Does Have a Giant Sunroof
Receptionist on phone: Mom, there are no pictures of them in the paper. I don't want to live in a decapitated house!
Lincoln Highway
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Assistant Girl
4PM I Do Eat a Lot of Chicken. Why?
German engineer: Yeah, it's a backdoor thing, and I got him right in the morning.
29663 Arnold Drive
Sonoma, California
Overheard by: E40
9AM And I Can Whip It Out As Needed
Consultant #1: Should we print copies so people can take notes?
Consultant #2: I never take notes -- I have a phallic memory. If I see it once, I always remember it.
Bay Area Boulevard
Houston, Texas
1PM A Fine Distinction Is Still a Distinction
Over the cube wall: That's apples and oranges. But the oranges are red.
2nd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Murray
3PM Now He Has to Spend Four Months a Year There
Editor: It occurs to me that a pomegranate was not the best choice for fruit to eat at my desk.
2001 Lind Avenue SW
Renton, Washington
11AM Unless I Find Out He's a Jets Fan
Sales rep on phone: I don't want to go see that doctor. He misdiagnosed and killed my grandfather... But he is my neighbor... Okay, I'll see him.
1600 Utica Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: eric
10AM You're Supposed to Read Them, Not Use Them As a Blanket
Retired lawyer: I'm just buried under these law documents.
Boss: Wait, are you practicing law without a license?
Retired lawyer: No, without knowledge.
2550 Q Street NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: C Dubz
1PM Monkey: Take Your Time -- He's on Medi-Cal
Bookkeeper: He has a monkey! It's a medically trained monkey. It can dial 911. What it tells them, I'm not sure...
Western Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: the sugar monster
5PM I Could Have Stayed Home and Done That
Visiting consultant: I think we saw every public restroom in San Francisco. Just what I wanted -- a urine-filled holiday.
5760 Highway 80 East
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
10AM Tissues Would've Been the Logical Commodity
Customer service manager on personal call: You went to somebody's funeral and sold purses?!
Chamblee, Georgia
Overheard by: achooAlison
2PM Two Dollars at Hooters Is Like a Hundred Bucks at the Cheetah Club
Creative designer to secretary: I only have two dollars to go to Hooters tonight. Do you know where the petty cash is hidden so that I can borrow some money?
Ardice Avenue
Eustis, Florida
Overheard by: serena
4PM ... For Babymaking
Partner: If you're busy making a baby, tell me that. I just want to know who is available.
Tysons Corner
Virginia
10AM But They're Starting to Learn to Chew through Their Gags
News editor: I've already passed the high point of my day where I mute Regis and Kelly.
101 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: an amused underling
1PM Luckily Everybody Drinks
Male realtor: Have you ever been to England?
Lady office manager: No, why?
Male realtor: The women there are really ugly no matter how horny you are.
Highway 19
Florida
1PM It's the Enemy of Eye-Hand Coordination
Designer: Hey, I'm photoshopping -- no spanking!
West 5th Avenue
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: designgrl
4PM So We Can Punish the Innocent
Employee to systems guy: So, first of all, we want the truth.
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
11AM Why the President Has a Press Secretary
CSR interrupting production meeting: Hey, sorry, but Dan* from XYZ company wants to know when he can expect his job.
Tech supervisor, screaming: Tell him when hell fucking freezes over! Jesus! I'm fucking tired of these pushy customers! And their shitty little jobs!
CSR: Okay... That's uh... He's uh... standing right over there...
Tech supervisor: [Stunned silence.]
Boss: Well, you can go take care of that one, buddy... He's all yours.
1st Avenue South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Mouth opened, foot inserted
5PM Or Shaped Like Giant Doorways, in Case of Earthquakes
Guy clerk: Hey, this safety pamphlet says to get into the bathtub if a tornado is coming.
Gal clerk: Well, duh, why don't they just build houses shaped like giant bathtubs?
5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
1PM Well Played, Gang
Project manger: From now on all of the questions are going to be rhetorical.
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: You know what rhetorical means, don't you?
Group on speakerphone: [Silence.]
Project manager: Anyway...
Fairfax, Virginia
4PM You Just Need to Decide If You Want Them to Come Rescue You after One Week or Two
Insurance rep: Do you know what flood zone you're in?
Client: What are my choices?
Insurance rep: It's not really a choice, FEMA assigns them.
North Great Neck Road
Virginia Beach, Virginia
2PM So You'd Have a Reason to Call Me, Hot Stuff
Receptionist: Hi, this is Pat*. I was calling to see if you wanted to set an appointment.
Customer on speakerphone: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: So, it looks like I set you an appointment before. What happened?
Customer on speakerphone: ... You cancelled it.
Receptionist: Hm. I wonder why.
Atlanta, Georgia
1PM And Eating Pimp Scout Cookies
Writer: So, if I get the new position I'll be your boss.
Designer: That's what I hear.
Writer: I could be all... pimp-slapping you if you got out of line. Or, like, assigning you all kinds of work while I'm laying on the beach drinking one percent milk.
Designer: With that raise you could be drinking whole milk!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Something I Would Advise Against
20-something woman to 50-something man: I am not telling you what a Dirty Sanchez is. If you're so interested just Google it!
Oak Park, Michigan
2PM Joe Bfstplk, As I Live and Breathe!
HR lady: I remember your name. What's your name?
School
Fairfield, Ohio
1PM But I've Realized It's Just Not Practical to Maintain a Mule in New York City
Banker lady: You know, Catherine Deneuve said, 'At a certain point you have to decide between your ass and your face...'
9 West 57th Street
New York, New York
9AM Technically You'll Be Wearing All Black and Shimmying Up the Trellis
Investigative journalist on phone: Honey, please, you've got to get me those records. Without them we don't have a story! In order to do this story, I really need you to get me those records, honey. I know you have access to them... Well, no, you won't technically be lying to the police.
TV news show
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay
4PM Well, Great, Glad You're Right on Top of This
Blonde receptionist: Do you have any Krazy Glue?
Paralegal: I don't think so. Why?
Blonde receptionist: My tooth fell out.
Paralegal: I think you need to see a dentist.
Blonde receptionist: No, my teeth are always falling out and I just Krazy Glue them back in.
Paralegal: Krazy Glue? Maybe that's why you've been getting all those headaches...
Blonde receptionist: No, that's because I quit smoking back in February.
Law office
Great Neck, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
2PM It's Actually the Frown of a Man in Bifocal Denial
Clerk: Are you worried?
Rehab counselor using laptop: No. Why?
Clerk: People always look worried while they are trying to memorize the Internet.
4555 Central Avenue
Columbus, Indiana
11AM Haven't We Been Through This?
CSR lady: Looks like you two are gonna have to conversate via email from now on.
Intern: Conversate? You mean 'converse'?
CSR lady: I mean 'conversate.' Same damn thing.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
9AM Only If You Let It Annoy You
Cube girl on phone, laughing: That must be really annoying, someone telling you your mom's dead and then they tell you your dad's dead, too!
100 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
5PM The Waterman 'Fountains of Wayne,' for Example, Never Disappoints
Woman: Now feel this one. Don't be afraid to show your lady customers the heftier pen. Some women like to have something with a larger diameter in their hand.
Washington, DC
2PM They're Doing a Piece on the Renaissance of the Whoopie Cushion
Editor: Never mind the farting sounds you heard from across the hall. They're nothing to worry about.
353 Sacramento Street
San Francisco, California
3PM What Is It with These People?
Phone rep #1: What's that?! A cheeseburger without cheese?!
Phone rep #2: Yeah. It's called a hamburger.
500 North Central Expressway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: amused coworker
2PM They're Both Wrong -- He's an IT Guy
Receptionist: This morning I was sitting up here and I looked out the window in the courtyard and there was a guy getting dressed.
Guy: Black guy? Construction boots? [Receptionist nods.] Yeah, he sleeps there.
Receptionist: Hmmm. I wouldn't think you'd wanna sleep in the courtyard of an office.
Guy: Well, I imagine if you're homeless that's one of the better spots.
Receptionist: Oh, I didn't realize he was homeless. I just thought he was resting or whatever...
2931 North Druid Hills Road
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM Then You Lose Them and We Send You Another Set
Consultant guy: Yeah, we overnight the documents to you. It takes about a week for you to get them.
Garden City, New York
4PM I Think I'll Keep Him
Female agent on phone: You gonna have supper ready when I get home? I don't care... Fine, chicken. Fried chicken. Whatever, get your ass in the kitchen and make me some fried chicken. Just shut up and go make me some chicken, I'll be home in an hour [hangs up]. My husband is so whipped.
Evans Building
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Going Gay
4PM She Was Proven Wrong As Soon As Her Promotion Came Through
Loan officer: Ugh, I could never be a teller.
CSR, under her breath: Yeah, well, I could never be a condescending, superior bitch.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Not a teller either
3PM At Rehearsals for the New Mary Kay Letourneau Musical
Consultant: Pedophiles? Is that my cue?
175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio
1PM I'll Show You a Graph When We Get Home
Attorney on phone: Hi, sweetie. I'm going to come pick you up after school tomorrow to take you to your appointment... Well, Mommy was going to, but she's too important to leave the office, and I'm not that important, so I can leave.
1 World Financial Center
New York, New York
11AM Microsoft's 'Lilliputian Solutions' Software Isn't for Everyone
HR hottie: I can't think right now! Between Excel and porno midgets I'm nuts!
Westchester, New York
5PM Dare to Dream, Buddy
Nurse: After you finish giving your sample, place it in the door in the wall and come to the lab where we'll do your pregnancy test.
Patient to man waiting with her: I'll be out in a minute.
Man to nurse, excited: There's a good chance that I'm the father!
616 Court Street
Oberlin, Louisiana
Overheard by: Vicky
5PM He Wants You to Do for Him What Was Done for Travolta
Drone on phone: Slammed, yeah. This new account is kicking my ass. Why is Burt Reynolds coming? I thought he was dead.
Braselton, Georgia
2PM When Let's Go Travel Writers Talk Dirty
Office peon: It's amazing what delicacies you can find hidden within the bush.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Because I'm Not Doing That Until after We're Married
Girl: Is this gonna be one of those phone conversations where you talk to yourself for 10 minutes and I just kinda listen?
Student Union, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
11AM Oh, I Know
CCA: So, I have to get some KY jelly for my puppy. I've never really lubricated a dog's rectum before, you know?
Sackville, New Brunswick
Canadia
5PM And All Pointing in the Right Direction
Woman on phone: Well, it'll be nice to have teeth in your mouth again.
10 Exchange Place
Jersey City, New Jersey
4PM If That's Work, Then I Don't Want to Play!
Lady: ... So it's a strap-on, then. You just clamp it on and let it go to work.
Deer Park, Texas
11AM There Are So Few Good Roles for African-American Actresses
Customer: Last week I bought two of these toy bulldozers for my nephews, and I'd like to exchange this one for a backhoe.
CSR: Okay.
Customer: Would you like me to go back to the toy department and get the other one?
CSR: No, I'll page and have someone bring one up here for you. [Over intercom] Attention, Toy Department. Will someone please bring a black ho to the service desk? I repeat, we need a black ho at the service desk.
Value City
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Did that really just happen?
2PM Cellhead: Did You Hear What That Guy Said? Ow! Quit It!
Male flight attendant: Okay, folks, one last time -- please turn your cell phones off. If the person next to you is talking on their phone, smack 'em! That should teach them.
Southwest flight 1911 to Oakland, California
Overheard by: Katie
12PM Before I Go in and Ask This Focus Group of Five-Year-Olds
Customer service associate to graphic artist: Yeah, I just wanted to get your uninformed opinion on that file.
Nashville, Tennessee
9AM Thumb. Thanks for Asking
Author: I don't know. Some of the edits don't really work for me. What do you think?
Editor: Well, speaking as a completely biased party, I think it's great.
Author: ... You're sure?
Editor: Absolutely, you bonehead. Can we put it to print now, or are you going to keep your thumb up your ass a while longer?
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM It's Cooler Than That, but I Don't Want You to Envy Me
Investor: Forget about it, I've got to go, because it's almost Shabbos.
Realtor: What happens when the sun goes down? Are you, like, a vampire or something?
Investor: We just chill.
Cleveland, Ohio
4PM Why People Have Messy Offices
CSR picking up discarded empty box: It would come in handy, even if we never used it.
Laurel House, Old Dover Road
Canterbury, Kent
England
Overheard by: John Dunmore
3PM Suck It Up. Without Hyperbole You Have No Job
Fashion editor: Our editors are not sneaker enthusiasts. It's really hard for me to do a story saying this is the most important sneaker of our generation.
1166 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM Signs Your Cabin Pressure May Be a Bit Unbalanced
Flight attendant: ... We don't expect a change in cabin pressure, but if it does occur, a designer oxygen mask will be released in front of you. Secure the mask on yourself first, then, if you are traveling with children, put a mask on the child with the most potential, then put a mask on the other one...
Mother passenger: [Gasps, horrified.]
Flight attendant: ... This is a non-smoking flight, but if you do decide to smoke, we will have you reseated on the wing of the plane where you can watch our feature presentation of Bye Bye Birdie or Gone with the Wind...
Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City, Missouri, to Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Jessica
1PM Borrow Money
Call center rep: Well, what do you do when a random person at a call center says, 'I love you'?
1440 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Like Bathing in Christian Dior's Saliva
Agent #1: So, I see this girl, you know, in the grocery store. And she's just this freak of a girl. A tall, thin freak. And it's like this beam of light just descends on her, basking her in the smell of success. You know those moments?
Agent #2: The moments where you see tall, thin freaks?
Agent #1: Well, yeah -- it's like time stands still and you know you've just gotten the gold.
Agent #2: Yeah. It's a religious experience.
Agent #1: Completely. Completely religious.
Outside DNA modeling agency, 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM The Only Case in New York
Somber attorney on phone: I've got some very bad news... I just got off the phone with the vet, and little Bobo's sick... He's got a case of bad attitude. That's right, a bad attitude.
Empire State Building
New York, New York
Overheard by: Guy Smiley
10AM Okay, Now Gently Place Half of a Potato over It...
IT chick: Okay, okay, slow down... Your mouse isn't working? [Pause] Ma'am... Ma'am, pick it up off the floor.
Internet domain registrar company
Scottsdale, Arizona
1PM And You May Find Yourself Living in a Shotgun Shack
Consultant on phone: When you fill out this skills assessment form you may find you have skills you don't have.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
1PM I Heard the Whole Country Is below Sea Level and Surrounded by a Ring of Lesbians
Auditor: What is a 'Dutch Auction Tender Offer'? Is that where they go to Dutch and have an auction? ... Where is Dutch?
Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
4PM NewsFlash: UPenn School of Social Work Adopts Controversial 'Shut Up' Method, Following Brooklyn's Lead
Social worker to passing ambulances and police cars: Shut up! God.
260 South Broad Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: lora
3PM Having Been Replaced As the Homo-Pretense Capital of the World, New York's Reaction 'Mixed'
Paralegal: What can I get you guys?
Consultant: Just a coffee.
Young consultant: Could I get a white mocha latte, please?
Head lawyer: Where do you think this is, LA?
Law firm, Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
2PM Her Beef Curtains Are Now Just Blinds
Weight Watchers orator: Does anyone have any good news they'd like to share with us this week?
Fat lady: Yes. I went to my gynecologist for my checkup this week, and he said now that I've lost weight, it's much easier to examine me because now there are fewer folds.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat
Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?
Caesars, Indiana
Overheard by: Fatty
3PM Monica Lewinsky: Worked for Me!
Interview consultant: Always be aware of what you are saying during an interview. I have seen interviews fall apart over a single word.
Student: Like what word?
Interview consultant: The word was fuck.
4801 Mass. Ave NW, Washington DC, American University, Washington College of Law
Washington, DC
3PM Here, I'll Show You with My Fingers -- The Difference Is the Long One in the Middle
Senior consultant: Hey, what's the difference between four and five?
Consultant: How am I getting paid less than you?
Waterloo, London
Overheard by: he said what I was thinking
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
12PM If I'd Known It Would Just Be a Slobbering, I'd Have Done It Myself
Architect: Did you see the dog?
Intern: Yeah, he slobbered on my pant leg.
Architect: I sent you because I didn't want to get bit.
Square Lake Road
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
Overheard by: Eero Plain
3PM So That's Why People Go into Hairstyling
Stylist on phone: Oh, I gave you the wrong phone number.... So is that like a fact-smile? A fact-smile. It says here the fact-smile number is 312-555-1234*.
South Loop
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: waiting for a haircut
10AM Tupac's Propaganda Machine, on the Other Hand, Is Alive and Thriving
Counselor: Is that a Tupac T-shirt? You're five. Tupac wasn't alive when you were born. What do you know about Tupac?
Kid: I know the haters killed him.
Counselor: Touché.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: SB
5PM You Don't Have to Be Dead to Work Here, But It Helps
Lawyer: Did you hear about Vanessa*?
Secretary: No. What about her?
Lawyer: Yeah, poor Vanessa. She woke up dead on July 4th.
Broad Street
Louisville, Georgia
4PM Hello, I'm Your Tour Guide, Steve, Which Is French For 'Dumbass'
Tour guide: And this here is what we call a "grotto," from the French word for "water."
Secret Caverns
Cobleskill, New York
1PM Cat Burglars and Ninjas Have Ruined Blackness For Everyone
Black guy: What would you say if I said I wanted to get a Mystic Tan?
Tanning consultant: Oh, you could. It would give you a nice glow.
Black guy: You're not even going to discourage me?! I would never get a spray on tan. The blacker you are, the higher people assume your crime rate is.
North 222 Plaza
Reading, Pennsylvania
2PM Or 'That Was Lovely, Your Honor. Let's Get Some Sleep'?
Attorney: What are we supposed to say when withdrawing? "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but it seems my client has fled the country"?
319 West Woodlawn Avenue
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: J.C. Tabler
11AM Hey, Tara Reid Is Just Trying to Make It Through Her Day Like the Rest of Us
Trader: If you're drunk or high come over and share, but if you're retarded I can't help you.
1801 East 9th Street
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: her boss
3PM Assessing Workflow
Consultant on phone: Is a part of the transition plan cloning yourself?
330 University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
1PM Lunch
Secretary: You look kind of like Bill Gates.
Specialist: I don't look dorky enough.
Secretary: How dorky do you not think you look?
25 Sigourney Street
Hartford, Connecticut
4PM Rightsizing Committee
Consultant: This meeting is just too important to involve company employees.
100 East Rivercenter Boulevard
Covington, Kentucky
3PM Smoke Break
Consultant: First she was in Picture magazine, and that was okay. Then it was People magazine, and that was all right. But then she did Hustler, and that one really disturbed me. I mean, it's strange to look at porn magazines and see your daughter naked, y'know?
44 Phillip Street
Parramatta, New South Wales
Australia
2PM Conference
Presenter: If you knew what I was thinking, what I just said would
make perfect sense.
1 Microsoft Way
Redmond, Washington
1PM Lunch
Consultant #1: Where is [Jeff]?
Consultant #2: He's not in my cubicle. That leaves the rest of the universe for you to search.
Consultant #1: Is he at lunch?
Consultant #2: If you're going to start looking, do it now. The universe closes at 5.
250 Broadway
New York, NY
2PM PR Meeting
Boss on speaker: Okay then, I'll be over in about 30 minutes to look at what you've got for me.
Media person: Great, we'll see you then.
Boss on speaker: ...Great, now I have one more fucking thing to do today...Fuck...
Media person: Um...You're still on speakerphone, buddy.
1901 North Shoreline Boulevard
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: The lowly intern
12PM Troubleshooting Meeting
Consultant: That is correct, we've found that problem in the past to be...well...problematic.
111 East 71st Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
9AM Back to Work
Inspector: So, are you still a slave to Cox?
200 Quality Circle
College Station, Texas
3PM Smoke Break
Producer: So you're from Iowa?
Consultant: No, Ohio.
Producer: Illinois?
333 North Meridian Avenue
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
9AM Back to Work
Analyst #1: We need something to make this tea better.
Analyst #2: Have you tried rum?
10 minutes later.
Analyst #1: Do you have any more rum?
Analyst #3: It's ten in the morning.
225 High Ridge Road
Stamford, Connecticut
Overheard by: QRC
10AM Update Database
Specialist: This guy's name is September...that can't be right.
Boss: Not in January, it isn't.
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
12PM Policy Meeting
Specialist: He thought it was "unfair" that we'd charge him a fee for cashing out his certificate before the maturity date.
Boss: He's lucky he was talking to you. I'd have told him, "I had to put my cat to sleep last night; that's unfair."
2929 North Mayfair Road
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
11AM Install New Software
Tech: ...and if it gives you any problems, just call me. Any time, doesn't matter. I sleep with my cell phone.
Lawyer: I've slept with worse.
11377 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Eve Z. Dropper
12PM Get Messages
Analyst: Lehman Brothers called about the kegs order.
156 West 56th Street
New York, NY
4PM Annual Review
Lawyer: You need to learn how to be human. Be less perfect; you don't have to be so precise about everything. Be less professional. Any questions?
Secretary: Yeah. Do you have a handbook for how to be human?
Lawyer: Oh, now you're going to be a smartass.
701 5th Avenue
Seattle, Washington
12PM Go Over Forecasts
Originator: Two charts are just great. Very helpful. Two is a lot more
than one.
VP: Yeah, it's like twice as much.
910 Lousiana Street
Houston, Texas
1PM Lunch
Worker #1: He has a groin pull so he's asking for pain pills .
Worker #2: He told me he hurt his leg.
Consultant: Yeah, my third leg. I'm a tripod.
Worker #1: A tripod wouldn't have hurt himself playing basketball with a 50 or under league.
100 Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Regina C
1PM Lunch
Secretary: Well, we're going to Jersey for that meeting, so we could go to the Village Gourmet.
Engineer: Yeah, that was good the last time.
Surveyor: Doesn't the guy that owns that one own another one too, right down the street from the Village Gourmet?
Secretary: Yeah, but it's really expensive, everything's a la carte.
Engineer: What does a la carte mean anyway?
Secretary: Dude, you're 26 years old and you don't know what a la fucking carte means?
Surveyor: Aren't you French Canadian, too?
One Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Melissa Miller
2PM Seminar--Mandatory!
Speaker: What was the craziest thing you've ever done?
Attendee: Jumped off a bridge into a river in Fiji.
Speaker: Why'd you do that?
Attendee: 'Cause Tony Robbins told me to.
481 8th Avenue
New York, NY
11AM Schedule Events
Musician on speaker: We are super-psyched, yo. It is huge for us.
Producer: You need to do this show, if you do this show you are going to blow up. Blow up like shit!
441 East 12th Street
New York, NY
2PM File Claims
Department Manager: How do we file a claim?
Insurance Rep: Just download a claim form and fax it to us with your bill from the doctor.
Department Manager: Do we have to fax the original bill or can we just fax a copy?
Insurance Rep: Um...yes, it's a fax.
3900 West Avera Drive
Sioux Falls, South Dakota
Overheard by: AllGladHere
4PM Call Accounting
Accountant: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? It's loud inside my head.
1670 Broadway
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: John
9AM Here We Go Again
Medical claims analyst: Have I ever shown you the x-ray of my head?
1009 Windcross Court
Franklin, Tennessee
9PM Plan B is Circumcision
Attorney: I'm not going to have a homosexual affair just to get some cases!
220 5th Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: brokensiren
1AM Don't Piss Off Jesus. Just Don't Do It.
Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you're a carpenter you won't be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I'm a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I'm going to climb into your ass and renovate, that's what I'm going to do.
109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Dirtpatch
7PM I Suppose It Comes with the Position
Conference call guru: There are a few master brands out there to look to.
Co-worker #1: I'd love to be a masterbrander.
Co-worker #2: Then we could say, "Hey, what's she doing behind the desk?"
Co-worker #3: "Looks like she's masterbranding."
2010 Warsaw Road
Roswell, Georgia
7PM Don't Worry, You Can Think About It All Weekend
Facilitator: Would you like me to advance to the next slide?
Presenter: No, thank you. I'll catch up in a moment. I just thought myself into a corner.
200 Seaport Boulevard
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM For a While, At Least
Consultant: Wow, this is really small.
Co-worker #1: Whenever I pull it out of the thingy it gets tiny.
Co-worker #2: Does it get bigger when you put it back in?
4 Country View Road
Malvern, Pennsylvania
6AM Maybe They Should Outsource to the US
Consultant: I know the solution to this problem...only it won't work.
IBM Golden Towers
Bangalore, India
8AM Don't Anyone Give Her a Touch Pad
IT Consultant Guy: You gotta stop answering the phones all sexy. No one else can concentrate.
2620 Hillsborough Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Office Kitty
6AM Well, She Was Lying Down in the Bed
Lawyer: Then why did you have sex with your cousin while she was sleeping?
Client: I honestly thought she wanted it. Really, I would never do anything to hurt her. I think of her like a sister.
Lawyer: Perhaps we shouldn't put you on the witness stand.
2605 E. Cliff Road
Burnsville, Minnesota
8AM Diversity? Never Met Him
Producer: One of the things that came out of the meetings is that they
wanted more diversity.
Consultant: Who?
12 West 27th Street
New York, NY
1AM That's Not What Chainsaw Al Says
Consultant: So what is this meeting about, anyway?
Boss: Why is everyone so concerned about this meeting?
Consultant: Well, for starters it's 3 hours long--
Boss: Don't worry, we can't fire all of you...
595 Madison Street
New York, NY
Overheard by: Trouble
12AM Thank God They Didn't Give Her Health Benefits
Career woman: Last year I couldn't even spell consultant, and now I is one.
Two Penn Plaza
New York, NY
Overheard by: Michelle Sydney Levy
12PM "How can I make your member look like Senor Wences?"
I picked up a call that was on hold and the LA talent agent that was on the other end was muttering "with your dentures and your eyeliner, you dirty old bitch".
41 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Neal
12PM Anti-semitism at Work (Pun!)
Counselor #1: Why is it that we didn't get a snow day today? For Christ's sake there's only five kids here!
Counselor #2: Because this place is a conspiracy, like the one in Hollywood.
2375 E. 23rd Street
Brooklyn, New York
4PM "...and use an envelope if you'd like to make a deposit."
Session Leader: I'll leave this badge on the desk. If you need to use the facilities, just take it with you and swipe the reader on the bathroom door.
Participant #1: You need to swipe from the bottom up, right?
Participant #2: Not if you're a girl!
One Chase Plaza
New York, NY
8AM The Effects of Pretentious Job Titles on IQ
Trend Consultant: We wanted our department memo to be With Funding, We Can Do Anything, but we couldn't afford that.
20 River Terrace
New York, NY
6AM Masturbation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery
Expert Publicist #1: You know what,ya did a shitty job of selling that to the client.
Expert Publicist #2: What're ya talking about?
Expert Publicist #1: You know, what ya gotta do, ya gotta sell it, ya gotta masturbate his brain.
Expert Publicist #2: What?
Expert Publicist #1: Well if you don't wanna do it, I'll masturbate him!
11 Stone Street
New York, NY
