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9AM ... While Janelle Gets a Towel for Her Chair
Trainer: Let's go around and have each of us tell the class some juicy, private thing about ourselves that the rest of us might not know.
Trainee: I don't want to tell anything about my juicy privates... Uh, juicy... Um... Anything private.
Trainer: ... Okay... Next?
810 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
1PM If You Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life.
Phone support girl: You see where it says 'Title' at the top? Just fill that in.
Client on other line: What do you mean 'title'?
Phone support girl: You know... Like president, accounts receivable or payable... Whatever your title in your office is.
Client on other line: Can't I just put biotch?
Phone support girl: ... I guess if you wanted to...
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Chicken on a Plane Was a Disappointing Sequel
Consultant on phone: No, Sandy*, you are not allowed to take your pet chicken on the domestic flights.
Other line: [Muffled yelling.]
Consultant: Sandy, I have already told you -- even if it is in a cage, we do not allow pets in the cabin. Only guide dogs or police dogs. You will have to send it as cargo. [Other line hangs up.] Good God! Who the fuck wants to take a chicken away for summer vacation with them?!
Auckland
New Zealand
5PM Sadly, the Answer to "Where's the Bathroom?"
Consultant giving directions over phone: Yeah, it's like an hour away. An hour and a half at the most. Actually, it could be more like two hours... Or two and a half. Probably more like three. About four, I'd say.
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
1PM The Original Forrest Gump Script Left Something to Be Desired
Consultant describing different diagnostic tests to client: Gonorrhea is like a can of chili.
555 5th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Kind of a Toxic Waste of Everybody's Time
Reporter: I can't get away from effin' Bernie Smith*. Every time the man farts, the attorney general calls me!
Newsroom
Ocean County, New Jersey
Overheard by: inothernews
12PM Then We Can Stop Being Brilliant
Analyst: We're brilliant when we have nothing better to do than to be brilliant all day.
870 Market Street
San Francisco, California
5PM Sailing in Search of the Rest of Your Simile
Consultant on phone: You need to set corporate goals. Without goals, you're like a boat on the water.
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Frumious Bandersnatch
5PM When Excel Just Isn't Enough
Accountant: Be right back. I have to go buy an ax.
East Lancaster Avenue
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: marianoelle
5PM Why Pavarotti Had to Write His Lyrics on His Hand.
Music agent slamming phone down angrily: God, he's so unintelligent! I mean, even for a tenor!
1st District
Vienna
Austria
2PM Which Is Why I Keep This Big Stick under My Desk
Legal aide: But we have an agreement with them.
Secretary: Well, agreement is the starting point of arguments.
Office
Malaysia
11AM And You Have Nothing to Be Ashamed Of
Salesman: We're looking for your shorts!
8531 East Marginal Way South
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Lowly Clerk
1PM But I Guess My Underling Will Have to Do
Dispatcher peering into Tupperware container: I am so sick of kielbasa I could kick Jesus in the shins!
Emergency center
Pennsylvania
10AM This Is Kansas -- You're Lucky We're Reading
Librarian: Don't use a potato chip as a bookmark!
Library
Overland Park, Kansas
Overheard by: Manager Guy
11AM The Best Boss That Ever Had Me
Team leader: She was like some kind of robot lesbian.
St. John's, Newfoundland
Canadia
5PM Tell My Secretary to Fetch the Official Bucket
Executive assistant: Shit! Oh, wait, no. I take back my shit.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
3PM But If a Cops Film Crew Shows Up, the Shirt Is History
Seminar coordinator: Between keeping my shoes on and keeping my britches on, there'll be no running from me!
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Marissa
3PM For a Dollar, All You're Getting Is an Estimate
Shipping guy: How much handling can you get for a dollar?
Richmond Road
Bedford Heights, Ohio
Overheard by: Shannon
4PM Prepare to Be Snubbed and Not Recognize It
Company rep: Good morning, monsieurs and madames! I thought we were all friends, but I've heard that someone here thinks I'm pretentious.
Law firm
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Megsie
3PM Cubicle Butt
Sales guy: So, Tim*, you're finished training that guy already?
Support dude: Yeah, it was going to be all day, but his bottom got sore and he had to go home.
Islington
London
9AM In Fairness, the Hanger Had One of Those Foam Covers
Social worker: Honestly, what parent in their right mind hands a toddler who is just learning to walk a wire hanger as a chew toy in goodwill and thinks it's a good idea?
Medical Center
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: makin a difference
12PM You're Not at High Times Anymore, Toto
Managing editor, on drug screening: We even test the interns. I was shocked by that. I thought everyone just assumed they were stoned all the time.
Newspaper office
Ohio
Overheard by: I didn't get the job
10AM But at Least You've Stopped Throwing Your Cat Up into Trees
Scientist at desk to tech in lab: Just because you want to see hot firemen doesn't mean you have to set off the alarm!
20925 Crossroads Circle
Waukesha, Wisconsin
1PM The Rangers Go Recruiting Again
Values trainer, on being equal opportunity employer: ... And, just so you know, the Midwest office gave an offer to a paraplegic last month. He's paralyzed from the neck down -- can't move anything below the neck. So there's a great example of the firm walking the talk.
55 East 52nd Street
New York, New York
1PM ... When We Started Getting Letter Grades
Consultant: I was a straight-A student until fourth grade.
Federal Street
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Adam
1PM I'll Just Put on My Earflap Hat
Worker bee: Will this be in Canadian or English?
100 Centre Drive
Austin, Texas
1PM Which We Do, Since We Voted for Bush in 2004
Partner to associates at attorney meeting: Billable hours are down for the year. Based on what we've billed so far, we have approximately four attorneys too many... assuming people are fungible.
Indianapolis, Indiana
5PM I Love Denny's
Developer to business analyst: Well, if I get herpes, it tasted really good.
3600 American Boulevard
Bloomington, Minnesota
11AM Dog Show Judging Is a Thankless Job
Director: I guess he was too busy measuring gonads. That's what he does -- measures gonads.
11 West Jones Street
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: How big are they?
3PM If It Weren't for IBS, I'd Have No Reason to Get Up in the Morning
Designer: I'm bored and all the bathrooms are full.
605 Lakeview Drive
Springdale, Arizona
Overheard by: so what?
11AM For Once, the Shittiest Thing in Our House Isn't The L Word
Software developer to web designer: Our toilets don't flush, so we don't need cable television anymore. This is not a metaphor.
5th Avenue
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Logic Impaired
3PM Our Slogan: We're Quivering to Help You
Presenter: Right, so not only do you have to help each other, but you also have to service your members.
Hotel
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: really bored
11AM So: Questions?
US sales manager in teleconference: We gotta let the elephant be the hot dog right outta the shoe.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
12PM At the Law Firm of Nasty, Brutish and Short
Maintenance guy: You gotta get your key out real quick or they're gonna swing an ax.
420 Western Avenue
Albany, New York
4PM I Want to See the Baby Eat the Cobra
Art director: Does anyone want to see a baby wrestle a cobra?
West Sahara Avenue
Las Vegas, Nevada
12PM The "T" Is Silent but Deadly
Receptionist: Farce? Is that like farts?
352 7th Avenue
New York, New York
9AM Not Bad Enough to Quit, Not Good Enough to Enjoy
Employee: Hello, and welcome to XYZ Store*. How are you today?
Suit: Um, I'm alright. How are you?
Employee, shrugging half-heartedly: I work at XYZ Store.
Suit: Oh, right. Sorry.
Electronics store
New York, New York
Overheard by: I'll try and be nicer to them from now on
2PM Which, by the Way, Don't Knock Unless You've Tried
CSR: Do you know the part number of the item you are looking for?
Customer: It's C-S...
CSR: C-S? As in 'cat sandwich'?
Braintree, Massachusetts
10AM Should Have Just Used Duct Tape
Receptionist: ... And let me just tell you, those at-home wart freezers do not work on your poonani.
Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Glad I wore my space suit
4PM Pay No Attention to My Hooves
Realtor: Want a cookie?
Investor: Nah, I can't -- it's not kosher.
Realtor: Sure it is.
Investor: No, I can't. I'm Jewish. I gotta abide by the law.
Realtor: Come on, it's just one cookie.
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Amused assistant
11AM He's the Go-To Guy for Reproduction Problems
Receptionist on door intercom: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay [hangs up]. Bob*, a guy from RICO is here to service you.
Hangar Place
Allentown, Pennsylvania
2PM It's Just Confusing Me
Media agency lady: Yeah, I met one of your constituents last week.
Sales rep: Well, that would be Ted*, I'm guessing.
Media agency lady: No, it was some sweet young thing.
Sales rep: Oh, well, then that would be Mindy*.
Media agency lady, laughing: Yeah, it was Mindy. Mindy is a piece of work [laughs harder].
Sales rep, chuckling nervously: Wow, that makes me want to ask you so many questions!
Media agency lady, wiping tears from her eyes: Yeah, I bet it does... None of which I would answer, but the fact that you want to ask them should tell you something.
Louisville, Kentucky
9AM When English's Ambiguities Come Home to Roost
Writer handing director a piece of peppermint bark: Be careful. It's very hard on your teeth.
Designer: It can really do some damage.
Marketing director: You guys are going about it all wrong. You have to learn to eat it like a beaver.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
11AM Some Lives May Be Better Unexamined
Canadian arborist: Check it out. I can streamline the camera in the town square back at home in Brandon. I called my dad and told him to drive by and wave. Sometimes, if you watch long enough, you can see someone crash.
Westchester, New York
10AM And Spell It for the Court Reporter
Lobbyist: Who's your favorite consultant?! Who?! Say my name!
K Street
Washington, DC
1PM See, There's Another Great Thing about Western Values
Abs instructor pointing out muscle groups: That's the great thing about being the instructor -- you get to touch.
Army base
Iraq
Overheard by: The Touched
5PM It Does, but Not in the Way You Mean
Graphic designer holding two envelopes with different designs: Are you curious?
Marketing coordinator: I dunno... Are you bi-curious?
Graphic designer, stunned: Do you know what that means?
Marketing coordinator: Ummm... Doesn't it mean doubly curious?
401 South Jackson Street
Seattle, Washington
12PM The Cow Was Found to Be Negligent
Lawyer #1: I can't wait to get rid of those cows.
Lawyer #2: I thought you liked your cows.
Lawyer #1: Well, I did, but then one of them got a little too close and now I have a large bruise on my right thigh.
Lawyer #2: You were just too proximate.
401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas
9AM Now I Drive the Truck
Ad lady: Yeah, I was always the one who rolled around on the floor and threw myself under a truck, but not anymore.
375 Hudson Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
3PM In the Sense That It Wouldn't Affect Us
Engineer: If there's a meltdown from us making [a particular mistake], how much damage would it do around the plant?
Sales guy: It's actually for New Brunswick, so it wouldn't be too big a deal.
Highways 24 and 401
Cambridge, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Not moving to New Brunswick anytime soon
3PM He Does Freddies
Bond salesperson to trader: Yeah, Stew's* pretty conservative. He doesn't do Fannies.
1000 SW Broadway
Portland, Oregon
10AM Stupid Hillbilly Heroin
Pharmacist #1: We really need to stop doping before work, because this just ain't workin'.
Pharmacist #2: Yeah...
405 Heathrow Court
Burr Ridge, Illinois
Overheard by: The Zar