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5PM When His White Friends Call, It Plays Jay-Z's "Ain't No Nigga"
Assistant: Whose phone is that? Who has rap music on their ringtone?
Sales guy, across room: Is that mine?
Assistant: Seriously? Is that your phone? [Sales guy runs to his desk.]
Office manager: It sounds like porn...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM I've Sacked Plenty of Clemson Graduates, Though
Lobbyist, accompanying CEO: Clemson football games are wonderful. Saturday afternoon games down there are great.
Staffer: Yes, they were a lot of fun.
Lobbyist, to CEO: Have you ever watched a Clemson game?
CEO, nonchalantly turning to leave: No, they never played Yale.
Washington, DC
1PM Chopsticks, However, Are Better for Stabbing Bigots in the Throat
Employee #1: How's your burger?
Asian manager, with messy burger: Good, but it?s hard to eat...
Employee #2: It would be harder to eat with chopsticks!
Boston, Massachusetts
4PM No, on the Guy He's Kneeling Next To
Boss, looking at photograph: Geez, look at the smile on this guy!
Peon: That's a mustache.
Middlemount, Queensland
Australia
Overheard by: Glad he shaves...
3PM He Took the Short Bus to Management School
Coworker: Actually, there are some plants that are flame retardant.
Manager: Ha! You said 'retard.'
1212 South Rangeline Road
Indiana
Overheard by: Just Listening
10AM Or Is That Just Maryland?
Boss: It smells good in here! What is that? Grape?
Female employee: Uh, no, it's cranberry. Cranberry room spray.
Boss, after long pause: So, did you just fart or something?
4511 Knox Road
College Park, Maryland
5PM Wait -- What?
Worker bee: Did somebody clean over here?
Manager: Yeah. Remember that day you took a picture of my butt?
745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM You Do?
Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
3PM Or I'll Go All Yahoo on Your Ass
Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I'm still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn't find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin
9AM But Now I'll Just Make a Bundle Suing You for Harassment
Teen employee: I'm so worried about getting into college. Although, I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
Middle-aged boss: You'd make a great stripper.
Teen employee: You know, I've considered it.
Bookstore
New York, New York
Overheard by: I guess I won't apply for a job after all
10AM Tides Me Over 'Til I Can Get Out to My Anarchist Compound
Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!
60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York
12PM Time to Stop Having Dinner at Mel Gibson's House
Jewish manager: I got your e-mail about XYZ Spring Company* not being able to make that spring.
Office girl: Yeah, those dirty-- Ugh!
Jewish manager: It's okay, it's okay!
Office girl: They just keep quoting stuff, and when I give them an order they decide they can't do it because they are little pieces--! Ugh! Never mind!
Jewish manager: Are you okay?
Office girl: Yeah... I'm just trying to be Christian today.
Jewish manager: ... Good for you. [Walks away.]
Office girl, from a distance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I'm fired now.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
9AM The Snatch Catch?
Female peon: Did you cock-block me last night?
Supervisor: No, I don't think so.
Male peon #1: Wait -- is there a female equivalent to the cock-block?
Male peon #2, after long pause: Vag glue?
East 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Chris J.
1PM And I Thought I'd Erased Your Memory of That Incident
Owner: So, Gary*, did you ever tell Lou* that he could not get a check for any steel order we needed?
Gary: No, no, no, I have never done that.
Lou: What about last week?
Gary: Well, we didn't have any money then.
Provo, Utah
Overheard by: Poking my eyes out
5PM And Apologies in Advance to Tom, Dick, and Harry
Manager, during meeting: ... And we just don't want any Joe Schmoe helping people on the phone... No offense, Joe.
Joe, phone answerer: Mmm.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Celebratious
12PM Because Now I Have to Go See
Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.
Sandwich shop
South Carolina
3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?
CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...
Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: oops
2PM But That Was Just with Money.
Supervisor: Good job!
Needy peon: Really?
Supervisor: Yes, of course! Why don't you ever believe me?
Needy peon: 'Cause last week I said, 'I trust you,' and you said, 'Oh, God, don't do that!'
Supervisor: Oh, yeah...
Louisville, Kentucky
11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades
Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.
Law firm
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
1PM Could I Have My Head Grafted onto Your Torso?
Annoying female worker: I feel so left out... Can I just move my desk next to yours?
Manager: Absolutely not.
Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Drone
10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat
Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.
Zeeland, Michigan
Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him
10AM Remember Our Talk about "In Work" and "Out Of Work" Conversations?
President, referring to company's succession plan: I just want to hold out until it gets turned over to you guys. I want to see you guys take it.
Assistant: You see us take it every day.
Rodeo Park Drive
Santa Fe, New Mexico
3PM Like This Conversation?
Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.
150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
12PM Which One You'd Be Friends with Says a Lot about Who You Are
Big boss at farewell party for employee: I stopped drinking soda a long time ago because I want to stop consuming all those fake sugars.
Young employee: I stopped buying soda along time ago, too, so I can have more money for alcohol.
Broadway and Wall Street
New York, New York
11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."
Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: I have a face too
11AM I Don't Know -- Is It?
Manager: First thing we do is get back control of petty cash.
HR clerk: Isn't that like closing the barn door after the coke has been snorted?
5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi
Overheard by: Brain Dancing
4PM Sure Thing, Tammy.
Waiter #1, pointing: Tammy's* either gettin' a poochy belly, or she needs to trim that beaver.
Waiter #2: It's beaver. I fucked her last month, after her sister died, and I thought I was suddenly in a '70s porno.
Manager: You guys need to go find something to clean.
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Friday Afternoons Quickly Degenerate into Hide-and-Seek
Assistant: What are you up to?
Boss, gleefully: I'm fucking about!
Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Kate
5PM All I Meant Was You Seem to Need a Lot of Stimulation... Dammit!
Male manager to female assistant carrying two cups of coffee: Double fisting? ... Wow, sorry. I'm sorry.
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Emily
2PM We Happily Bring You an Amusing Anecdote Reader's Digest Won't
Clerk: God, why is that old man so angry?
Manager: Give him a break. How many more times is he going to be buying new shoes? He'll probably be buried in these.
Old crab, from across room: I'm not deaf, you bitches!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM But You're Just Motivating the Hell Out of Me Today
New senior manager: So... When have you ever given a shit?
Employee: I don't know. It's been a while.
Interstate Parkway North
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Deno
2PM Gold and Sparkly? Really?
Boss: Ah, you're wearing a tie-dyed shirt.
Office girl: Isn't it nice?
Boss: Yeah. Hey, doesn't that circle remind you of Jake's* asshole?
Office girl: Wait, what?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1PM Goodness -- It Certainly Isn't
Shipping manager: Man, something smells good over here!
Nearby cube girl: It's not me!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Countin' down the days...
3PM Office Decorum Can Be a Sticky Issue
Supervisor: Did you happen to locate that file while I was away this week?
Employee: No. I'm not comfortable rooting through your drawers. I feel like I am up to something.
Supervisor: Uhhh...
100 Cushman Street
Fairbanks, Arkansas
Overheard by: quiet one
5PM Except for Larry, Who Can Keep the Tutu
Coder #1: I just can't work in these pants!
Coder #2, raising hand: Seconded!
Boss #1: No! Motion fails!
Boss #2: Indeed -- pants remain a workplace requirement!
7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
10AM And They Need Hard Numbers
Manager: I just want to know -- what is the penetration of 12 to 17-year-old girls?
Analyst: I'm not sure we want to show that...
Manager: They need to know how many 12 to 17-year-olds have been penetrated!
28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM We're More Like Your Kids Who Won't Get Jobs
Supervisor: You guys are just like my family!
Office peon: Yeah, except we don't throw your shit in the river.
Academy Street
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Dude
4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player
Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?
Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves
10AM White People and Their Imaginary Problems
Intern: I need to get some sun... so I can get laid. I mean, cancer or celibacy?
Office manager: Cancer!
212 3rd Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Sad, but True
3PM Be Warned, Dear Reader, There Is a Cumming, Georgia
Secretary: Oh, come on. You can do more than you can do.
Boss: I try... It just won't work.
Cumming, Georgia
1PM ... That Your Coffee Was Poisoned
Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that--
Boss: --Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!
Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.
Portland, Oregon
10AM My Feral Cats Care!
Admin: Well, when you feel better we have to talk. We have to make sure everyone knows that my job is so important.
Manager, sighing: Yes, Terri*, we've had this conversation. It's not good to be so needy or crave so much recognition.
Admin: I have so much to offer! So many people are doing double work!
Manager: Cheer down, girlfriend. No one really cares.
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head
Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.
Portland, Oregon
1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?
Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!
Portland, Oregon
5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...
Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?
4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon
4PM And I Was Feeling So Good about the Toilet Training
Production manager: As the wrestler Mr. Perfect used to say, 'It ain't easy being perfect, but somebody's gotta do it!'
Sales guy: Hey, you've got coffee on your shirt.
Production manager, crestfallen: Oh... I guess I'm not perfect, after all...
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
12PM When the Dimmest Screen in the Office Encounters the Brightest
Branch manager: Your monitor is so bright! I love it! It's got to be the brightest screen in this office!
Sales guy: Uhhh...
Branch manager: It's like a hospital computer or something! It's that bright!
Sales guy: ... Well, I was out sick last week...
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Hey, Teddy Ruxpin's Taken Bullets for Me
Sarge: You're lucky somebody around here likes you.
Office peon: Lots of people like me!
Sarge: Stuffed animals don't count.
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
9AM It's Only a Paradox If You Intend to Do Any of That
Boss: So, the word from corporate is that we're supposed to hang these on the windows as part of the new plan from Marketing?
Marketing assistant: Yeah.
Boss: But corporate service requirements say we're not ever allowed to hang anything on any windows.
Marketing assistant: Right. Essentially, we have to figure out a way to put them on the windows without actually putting them on the windows.
Boss: Awesome.
West Creek Drive
Richmond, Virginia
1PM You Make an Excellent Point
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: I'm gonna bust your ass, girl.
Young girl employee: You'll do no such thing.
Old, constantly inappropriate boss: Oh, yeah? Why's that?
Young girl employee: Because I'd karate chop you in the jugular.
14th Street and 3rd Avenue
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Still can't believe I work here
4PM My Secret? Vodka Oreos.
Manager: Did you see the game last night?
Coordinator: I was drunk. [Takes bite of Oreo.]
Manager: Huh?
Coordinator: Yeah, I'm drunk every day. S'matter of fact, I'm drunk right now!
Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Of Course You Do
CSR: What time is it?
Manager: Look at your computer. See those numbers in the lower left-hand corner? That's the time.
CSR: Oh. Well, what I need to know is, what time is it in Guam?
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
5PM You Can See the Blue Screen of Death behind Her Eyes
Office wench: I ordered those things you wanted!
Boss: Did you?
Office wench: I think...
Boss: Thanks.
513 Progress Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: cubical dweller
5PM Nobody's Gonna Build There a Second Time
Coworker: What's the deal with these lot loans?
Manager: Your mom's a lot loan.
San Ramon, California
Overheard by: cracking up
9AM Questions?
Manager: ... And that's why junkies are attractive.
1st Avenue South
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Django
2PM How to Get Fired in Albuquerque
Boss: I can't get this damn phone to work.
Coworker: It helps if you're just a little bit smarter than the technology.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
5PM This Is How She Ends Every Conversation
Jewish boss: By the time we're done, we will convert you.
Catholic assistant: Ummm, Jesus is the Messiah. Goodbye.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: intern
1PM My Mind Actually Projects It onto the World
Boss: You got hypnotized by the screen saver?
IT guy: No, I'm watching porn. This is the only screen no one else can see.
Exeter
United Kingdom
11AM And We'll Have the Scars to Prove It
Sales person: Hmmm... Are you doing the billing today since Sherry* is out?
Trainee: I'm going to try.
Sales person: Well, don't mess up my billing or I'll kick your ass.
Trainee: Promise?
Sales person: Oh, yes.
Trainee: My pain is your pleasure.
Sales person: You and I will get along fine.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM Is Anybody Prosecuting the Vatican Over Rosary Beads?
Communications manager to public relations specialist about sex toy ban in Alabama: Well, we really can't control the situation if someone chooses to take one of our novelty items and stimulate their genitals with it.
Sex toy company
Virginia
Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess
2PM Mind If I Watch You Work?
Manager: Hey, you got a sec?
Developer: What's up?
Manager: I'm trying to figure out how much to charge the client for that new feature. How hard would it be for you to add it?
Developer, smirking: I can do it in 10 minutes... with my dick.
Manager: Sooo... about five hundred bucks then.
543 Richmond Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: laughing new guy
9AM Great Work, John.
Boss: How long do I still have to wait for those reports?
Worker: Steve* is doing the final results. [Both stare at Steve.]
Steve, coming out of a reverie: A polar bear is as tall as an elephant!
New York, New York
Overheard by: WTF
5PM The Shareholders Are Rolling Over and Falling Asleep
President of the board: Okay, what else do we have to go over? Are we finished here?
Boss: Yes, I think we've shot our wad.
Washington, DC
10AM Good to Know the Handshaking Rules -- Thanks!
Lawyer: No, no, men can't touch women, but women can touch men.
Paralegal: Oh, okay. Didn't know.
Lawyer: Yeah, but whatever.
Law office
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: Pointless Temp
9AM Um, She's Thirty-Five.
CEO: Oh, that's the guy with the gaggle of kids, right? The ugly ones.
Project coordinator: They're not all ugly! The little one, Erica*, is cute!
CEO: She just hasn't grown into her ugly yet.
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
4PM Blamestorming Is a Critical Part of the Planning Process
VP, jokingly: ... And this is the part of the project where we'll assign blame when we have to.
Marketing manager: We're expecting blame?
VP: Oh, sure -- blame is like water: it gets through any cracks and always works its way downwards.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM You Always Manage to Live Down to My Expectations
Boss: You know, every day it gets harder and harder to underestimate you.
Innovation Drive
Wauwatosa, Wisconsin
1PM And Is a Dog's Mouth Really Cleaner Than a Person's?
Big boss, after company-wide sales meeting: Are there any questions?
Employee #1: Yeah -- how come all of a sudden the soda machine only gives back one quarter from a dollar?
Big boss: How much?
Employee #1: Just one quarter.
Big boss: Did it used to give more?
Employee #1: Yes, I used to get two back.
Employee #2: Soda is 75 cents.
Employee #1: I've been here for 13 years and it's been the same -- I always get two quarters back.
Employee #2: I've been here for two years and it's been 75 cents for at least that long. Maybe the machine was broken.
Employee #1: No, it wasn't broken!
Big boss: You have to stop now.
233 Spring Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: get me out of here
3PM How about Just the Minor Drug Offenders?
Coworker: Did you hear? Jerry Brown is our new Attorney General!
Boss: That's it! Open up all the prisons! Set the prisoners free! And give them all marijuana on the way out!
708 Fiero Lane
San Luis Obispo, California
2PM But You're Certainly Correct about Her Gargantuan Gazongas
Male intern, about passing coworker: Wow... Those were some tremendous titties.
Female manager: Okay, so you know I'm your manager, right? You probably shouldn't say 'titties' to me.
Plymouth, Michigan
12PM I Beg Your Pardon
Coworker: So, when a new client comes in we lock them up in the Olive Garden.
Manager, after a moment: You mean 'walled garden'?
Washington, DC
Overheard by: I am hungry
4PM Since Most of the People We Deal with Are Essentially Potted Plants
Sales guy, about customer: She's an idiot.
Customer service manager: Awesome!
4755 Walnut Street
Boulder, Colorado
1PM It's Really More about Whether You Bring in Good Snacks
Supervisor: Why do you want to do this?
Mid-level worker: Because no one else is, and it needs to be done.
Supervisor: No one cares how hard you work! This isn't that kind of place!
State government building
Connecticut
11AM And Sing Polly Wolly Doodle All the Day
Boss: I need to leave work before I get too drunk!
1819 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
9AM But This Is a Four-Person Office!
Boss: Don't do that. Make Suzanne* do that.
Assistant: Why?
Boss: Because Suzanne is a cunt and we hate her.
Assistant: I like her. Erin* likes her.
Boss: We don't really like you two, either.
Goshen Turnpike
Bloomingburg, New York
Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
4PM Now Get Me Some Sandy Taupe Coffee
New hire looking at spreadsheet: So, the blue fields are--
Supervisor, interrupting: --Blue? That's not blue, it's cyan. Are you colorblind?
430 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Roy G. Biv
10AM ... Which Peter in Accounting Then Buys from Us. [We Don't Ask.]
New intern taking tour of company warehouse: So, you said that we have a lifetime guarantee on all the clothes that we send out?
Warehouse manager: Oh, yeah, we guarantee all our merchandise. We'll even return underwear that's been soiled.
Plainfield, Indiana
1PM All I Said Was "Hi"
Intern: My uterus is dry-heaving.
Supervisor: Wow.
242 West 38th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Sarah
10AM Or the One Who Shot Harry Whittington in the Face?
Boss lady: I see a dinosaur.
Minion: Is that the same one that made you break your arm?
Arlington, Virginia
Overheard by: L.J
5PM And Why Are All My Problems Self-Inflicted?
Boss: Who wants to do these reports?
Enthusiastic lady: I'll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 minutes later: Are those reports ready, Angie*?
Enthusiastic lady: I'm still on it.
Boss, 15 minutes later: I need those reports now.
Enthusiastic lady: I am working on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep asking me if it's done?!
4340 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC
Overheard by: did not ask for work
3PM I Don't Need a Gel Mousepad -- I've Got Breast Implants
Male paralegal : No one's gonna use it but me. I'll hide it.
Female secretary: What?
Male paralegal: But I'll let you feel it.
8133 Leesburg Pike
Vienna, Virginia
Overheard by: WTF is he talking about
2PM Come into My Office and I'll Show You Some Photos
Boss lady: I just don't think thong underwear is that attractive. I mean, maybe if you're 12 years old and tight...
Assistant: I don't think a 12-year-old in thong underwear is attractive.
Boss lady: Well, when you're 12, you're tight.
Burbank, California
12PM So There's No One to Stop Me
Boss, about former employee: She smelled like my grandmother's underwear drawer.
Underling: Do you spend a lot of time in your grandmother's underwear drawer?
Boss: Well, she died a while ago...
1100 Hamilton Court
Menlo Park, California
12PM Just Look at These Blisters!
Director of tech support, in heavy French accent: Busy week, yes. I have had to beat off many clients.
Tech dude: Wait, what?
Director: Oh, yeah. At least 30.
Tech support conference call
California
11AM But I Just Got You a Princess Dress, Raoul
Grunt: Man, this consultant is absurdly high maintenance. I swear, the woman's going to ask for a pony next!
Boss: Just get her what she wants. We need her on-board.
Grunt: Well, if she gets a pony, I want one, too.
Washington, DC
10AM Denver Wife or New York Wife?
Assistant: Keith*, Melanie's* on the phone.
Keith: Who is that?
Assistant: Your wife.
1515 Broadway
New York, New York
2PM Well, for One Thing, They Aren't There
Peon calling supervisor about note from employee: Did you check your pants today?
Production supervisor: What kind of question is that?
Madison, Wisconsin
10AM Then You're Failing Me All Around
Male hippie #1 standing at printer with no paper: Aren't you supposed to be watching this? What do I pay you for?
Male hippie #2: To shave my legs and wear the skirt.
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: please no more
11AM Many Computer Users Are Like Cargo Cultists
Old female boss, struggling with computer: My-- What's wrong with my-- Does anyone know what's the problem with my--
Worker: --What's the question?!
Old female boss: My mouse doesn't work.
Worker: So how long were you going to sit there moving it around on your desk?
Old female boss: Well, it's not working! [Worker sighs loudly, turns back to his computer.]
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
10AM Always Best to Counter Intolerance with Immaturity
Manager: Your boyfriend looks like a terrorist.
Peon, farting: My butthole is the terrorist in this office.
12th Street NW
Washington, DC
4PM But As a Paralegal? No.
Lawyer: Ben*, if I e-mail you something, can you figure out how to print it on legal-size paper?
Paralegal: Ummm, sure. [Later brings back printed text.]
Lawyer: Oh, great! You know, you have a future as a printer!
575 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
3PM God, You Techies Are No Fun
IT guy: Hey, Kelly* just showed me her slingbox.
Boss: Reeeally?
It guy: Yeah. It works fine and everything, but I wouldn't pay for it.
Boss: If you get her drunk she'll give it to you for free!
It guy: Ohhh... I think we're talking about different things...
Boss: Reeeally?
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: Would get sick of it anyway...
11AM The Law Requires You to Accommodate My Missing Tentacle
Manager to clumsy coworker: You're about as graceful as a seven-legged octopus with a muscle spasm!
Fast food joint
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Overheard by: Dubird
9AM How'd They Get There from the West?
Peon: I think she's Indian.
Boss: American Indian? We don't have a lot of those!
Peon: No, Asian Indian.
Boss: They have Indians in Asia?!
5th and Market Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM Right after Our Mandatory Three PM Mani/Pedi
Supervisor: Hey, we're all here today... Let's have a meeting!
Employee #1: About what?
Employee #2: American Idol!
Financial center
New York, New York
Overheard by: working hard
3PM And Sleepy and Grateful?
Assistant: Wait, it doesn't look like the data was deleted when you opened the program.
Boss: What? I thought it was supposed to suck 'em off!
Assistant: What?
Boss: Suck 'em off! Suck 'em off until they're empty!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Working on my resume
12PM He's Been Coming in a Lot More Since He Got Fired
Suit: When Barry* is out, who should get this report?
Boss: Give it to Barry -- he's in.
Suit: When I asked Susan* I thought she said he wasn't working today.
Boss: She's absolutely right. But he is here today.
2nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
9AM Figure Out How to Order Lunch and You're Looking at the Vice Presidency
Manager: Wow! I guess if we don't have a receptionist, we don't get any coffee.
Peon: I could make some if you want...
Manager: Really? You know how to do that?
Miami, Florida
Overheard by: I can cook too
12PM But It's the Tasseled Loafers You Really Have to Look Out For
Sales manager: Jack* didn't show up to work today. He probably went to an interview at another company.
VP: Is this the guy with the shoes?
Sales manager: Yep.
VP: Any dude wearing white shoes and a white belt is somewhat suspect...
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Smiths
9AM It's a Series of Limericks, Each Filthier Than the Last
Branch manager: I'm sending you an e-mail.
Cube rat #1: Thanks...
Cube rat #2: You're one of those people, huh?
Branch manager: Ha, no, but he'll like this.
Cube rat #2: Is it a funny one about a cat?
Branch manager: No!
Cube rat #2: Drat.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM So, No Mayan Pyramids?
Manager: Yes, next week we'll all be in Mexico.
Woman #1: I hope you are going to relax this vacation.
Manager: I feel if I don't run around and see everything, I'm wasting the experience.
Woman #2: Let me explain something clearly to you: vacation is sex, food, sleep, more sex, more sex.
Manager: [Stunned.]
Woman #2: That's why you never come back relaxed. Sex, sex, nap, sex. Repeat that.
Garden State Mall
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Woman #3
5PM Just Testing the Waters
Boss: We should become alcoholics. That would make work so much easier.
Employee: That bottle of Bailey's in my filing cabinet only lasted me a week and a half.
Boss: You had Bailey's?
Employee: Ummm, no.
Lake Shore Drive
Columbus, Ohio
3PM Well, It's in the Decontamination Chamber Right Now...
Boss: Did you find mail in the bathroom?
Intern: Yeah, is it yours?
Boss: Yeah, I left it there on purpose.
Intern: Do you want me to put it back?
Boss: No, I'll take it now, please.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
10AM Help Me, Champollion, You're My Only Hope!
Boss: Dude, your plan should be clearly stated on your bill.
Angry employee: Have you seen an ABC Wireless* bill? It's like the Rosetta Stone fucked a coked-up prostitute and out came my bill.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
3PM Sleepy? Blitzen? Buckwheat?
Sarge: Is Posh gonna be there?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Sporty?
Office peon: Yeah!
Sarge: Spunky?
Office peon: That's not a Spice Girl!
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Shaye
4PM Billable Hours of Sweet Oblivion
Assistant: Are you leaving early?
Attorney: Yep.
Assistant: Why? It's only 3:30.
Attorney: 'Cause I like to drink.
1900 Pearl Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Staja
1PM So the Third Installment Will Be Terrible?
Boss lady: I think Rick* was talking to people in our aisle for a record 52 minutes. He's finally gone.
Assistant: Don't worry. He'll be back. Like herpes and the Terminator.
Wausau, Wisconsin
11AM I'm Excited about Our Constancy of Purpose, I Should've Said
New girl: I'm excited about the new direction of the company!
Boss: Um, we try to avoid saying 'new direction' around here.
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Amused coworker
12PM And So Began the 2007 Rold Gold Rush
CEO: I need you to call Dan*.
VP: Why?
CEO: I need you to distract him while I steal his pretzels. I need those pretzels.
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: Cubeville denizen
10AM Sorry, Just Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Senior biologist: Don't have them call me with any technical questions. Have them call Jack* in Municipal.
Redneck engineer: Ya ever tie two cats together by the tail and throw them over a clothesline?
Senior biologist: What?!
Engineering Firm
New Cumberland, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: intern liberal biologist
5PM We're Highly Motivated to Accomplish the Mission
Supervisor: You were loud.
Underling: We were just talking.
Supervisor: You were screaming.
Underling: Well, we always scream.
550 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Enlighten Me about the Vietnamese While I Jot Down Notes
Newbie: Are you Chinese or Japanese?
Korean working the register: What?! Japanese are rich, ignorant fools, and Chinese are murderous barbarians. I am Korean!
Newbie: Oh. I never knew that...
Korean deli, 1700 Research Boulevard
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Septimus
9AM I Wouldn't Still Be Here If It Weren't My Company
Admin girl: Are you sure you don't have any meetings scheduled this afternoon or want to leave early to get a start on your weekend?
Boss: Nope, I'm all free this afternoon and thought I'd catch up on paper work.
Admin girl: Oh, okay.
Boss: Why?
Admin girl: Because when you leave early I normally give you 10 minutes' headway and then sneak out myself.
Boss: Ugh, just go already.
Brisbane
Australia
5PM Avast, Ye Lubber!
Lieutenant: You work for a law enforcement agency, not a pirate ship!
Employee with sideburns: Sir?
Columbus Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
9AM I'm a Harvard MBA, for Christ's Sake
General manager: I've got a small favor to ask you...
Sales guy: I am not getting in a chicken suit and dancing on the roof again!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Stayin' until 5...
2PM But Ranting Is My Chosen Artform!
Disgruntled woman: Did you get my e-mail?
Boss: Yes, but you're so consistently negative I didn't bother to read it. Plus, your e-mails are always too long.
Disgruntled woman: What?
Boss: From now on, you're limited to two paragraphs-- No! Two sentences. And try to be positive for a change.
Chantilly, Virginia
12PM In Fact, You Have to Be
Boss: You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent at your work.
Cube dweller: Well, you can't be consistent all the time!
Liverpool
England
1PM Oh, How Does Anyone Get Anything?
Clinician: Can you call the ER to tell them that this patient cannot be moved due to an infection?
Admin assistant, looking at chart: How did he get it in his butt?!
Varnum Avenue
Lowell, Massachusetts
11AM We Know a Lot of Places Where It Isn't, So We're Making Progress
Supervisor: Did you find that part?
Coworker: No.
Supervisor: Well, where is it?
Flagstaff, Arizona
Overheard by: Jimmy
9AM So We'll Have Her Train You
Underling #1: Am I fired?
Boss: No, 'cause then we'd have to hire her, and she's only part time.
Underling #2: Me?
Underling #1: She wouldn't take the job.
Boss: Yes, because she's smarter than you.
334 East 14th Street
New York, New York
4PM It Says, "If I See You I Will Kill You"
Admin: I am going to heaven!
Boss: What makes you think that?
Admin: I wrote my brother a letter.
Boss: How long has he been in jail?
Admin: Two years, and I have not spoken to him since my friend got killed.
Boss: Sooo, you think because you wrote him a letter you are going to heaven? Do you forgive him?
Admin: Hell no! If I see him, I will kill him. But I wrote him a letter!
Dallas, Texas
9AM The Way Hamsters Eat While They Nap
Woman #1: Oh my god! My husband sent me three dozen roses for no reason!
Woman #2: Wow, someone really wants a blowjob.
Boss: Hey, you can't say 'blowjob'! We have young interns working here!
Woman #2: Are you serious? Those intern sluts give blowjobs in their sleep.
New Jersey
9AM You Know the Feeling When You Lean Back Too Far in Your Chair?
Boss: I'm trying to figure out how to explain this in terms that you can understand.
Jane*: I think I get what you're trying to say.
Male peon #1: I think I also understand what you're trying to say.
Male peon #2: Me, too.
Boss: Let me put it this way: let's all imagine that Jane is at the OB/GYN...
Response Road
Sacramento, California
2PM You Harvard Grads Always Ask the Important Questions
Office peon: How many wheels does an 18-wheeler have?
Boss: Let me see your résumé again.
1212 Klockner Road
Gordonsville, Virginia
Overheard by: the office linebacker
9AM Do You Really Want to Go There, Madame Days-of-the-Week?
Female manager to frustrated sales rep: Just put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
Business owner, over her shoulder: Oh, oh! Stern words from Miss Kello-Kitty-pants!
4th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
2PM Honey, I'll Be Late Tonight -- Marketing the Firm Again
Owner: What kinds of social situations can you use to help market our firm?
Peon #1: I meet lots of guys at the bars and give them my cards -- especially those in the construction fields.
Peon #2, as others laugh: He didn't ask how you picked up men.
Peon #3: Is that why we never get any new projects?
Lincolnshire, Illinois
Overheard by: glad it wasn't me
10AM The Only Way He Can Be Watched
Busser: I'm working for Bob* tonight.
Manager #1: You smell like pot, man. You're not working.
Manager #2: It's three in the afternoon. What time did you get high?
Busser: When's Maury on?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
11AM I've Always Wanted to Try the Meat Outside the Bread
Manager: Ben*, do you want a badly made sandwich?
Employee: How badly made?
Manager: Badly.
Employee: Yeah!
Hemel Hempstead
UK
Overheard by: I'm fine thanks
4PM If You're Going to Disrespect Authority, Don't Leave Witnesses
Assistant: I don't know if you want to give him a call or not.
Boss #1: What happened?
Assistant: He mouthed off to a cop.
Boss #1: Sounds like Eric*.
Boss #2: Eric didn't mouth off to a cop.
Boss #1: I thought he did.
Boss #2: No, he ran over a cop. There's a big difference between running a cop over and mouthing off to one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: can't make it up
4PM This Is Actually a Great Segue to Your Firing
Manager: At this point we're only hiring servers who I know will do a really great job.
Waitress #1, with a wink: That's why I was hired, right? 'Cause you knew I'd do an awesome job?
Manager: Yes.
Waitress #2: I think I was hired because the regional manager liked me.
Manager: No, you were hired because the restaurant had just opened and we would have hired anybody.
Peppers Ferry Road
Christiansburg, Virginia
4PM Ready? Okay!
Boss: Put away those pom-poms, young lady -- this is a place of business!
North Cedar Street
Lititz, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Michelle
12PM The Guilt Trip to Bountiful
Boss: When, in the course of your life, you are traveling to the right you will find that you must take the toll road and pay your dues. There is no free road to the right.
Employee: Uh... Can I have my doughnut now?
Bountiful, Utah
Overheard by: tkt
1PM But I Understand That Hooters Girls Can Be Scary
Senior director to group of scientists: Well, it's not like they're just licking each other's boobies!
Bay Area, California
Overheard by: marblecargirl
12PM But Since You're Standing Right Here, I Can Just Tell You in Person
Boss: Can we talk for a few minutes?
Colleague: In a minute. I need to finish writing nasty emails to staff who don't learn.
Boss: We can't write nasty emails! We have to be encouraging.
Colleague: Dear sir, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that you are a complete idiot...
Australia
10AM In What Capacity, I Will Not Say
IT manager: Sometimes when I'm down and nothing makes any sense, I just pretend I work for Emeril Lagasse.
West Village
New York, New York
1PM Can I Interest You in These Delicious Cough Drops?
Sales guy, entering a meeting: Sorry I'm late...
Director of marketing: You brought doughnuts? Coffee?
Sales guy: No.
Director of marketing: Then you're dead to us. Get out.
105 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM ...There Is Prune Juice in Dr. Pepper
Boss: In my opinion, which is 100% correct...
Prague
Czech Republic
9AM MacGyver: After Hours
Supervisor: Well, if that's the case, all I need is a panda, a gun, and a bottle of wine.
Naperville, Illinois
3PM I Think You'll Like the Results
Boss : What is that red thing on top of a rooster's head called? I can't find a description anywhere on the Internet.
Employee: Just Google 'cock' and 'diagram.'
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Sailorette
2PM And the Stamina to Keep It Running?
Old boss: I used to do bad things, you know.
Young employee: Really?! Yeah, right.
Old boss: Yeah, like dealing coke. How do you think we got the money to start this place?
Des Moines, Iowa
2PM I Could Let Her Hurt Feelings Control Me. But No.
Coworker #1, distraught: I'm leaving now. I probably won't be back till tomorrow.
Clueless manager: Okay, have fun! [Distraught coworker sobs and runs out.]
Coworker #2: Um... You know she's having her dog put to sleep, right?
111 Madisonville Street
Crofton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
11AM Ozzy Osbourne: Of All the Things I've Lost, I Miss My Schlong the Most
Front desk girl: What was that thing in the Lost Objects box?
Manager: A penis. Huge one.
Front desk girl: The maid found it in a room?
Manager: In the fridge.
Hotel
Montréal
Canadia
Overheard by: Grossed Out Customer
3PM So Do Not Call Me
Boss pointing to bathroom stall: If you need me, I'll be in my office, haha.
Employee: Um, I'm not gonna ask you anything while you're taking a shit.
Boss: Oh, I'm not taking a shit. I'm just gonna sit in there and play Tetris on my phone.
Dexter Avenue
Seattle, Washington
10AM But the First Step Is Not Admitting You Have a Problem
Staffer: I just left Publix and my cashier's name was Kartoon.
HR manager: Oh, yeah! My wife was telling me about her. Do you think her parents meant to name her 'Khartoum,' after the country in Africa?
Staffer: I don't know. Maybe it's just a popular name from her parents' native country.
HR manager: Oh, you mean she's not black?
Staffer: What? No, she's Asian.
HR manager: Oh. Was I stereotyping just now?
Staffer: Ummm, yeah, a little bit... You are so in the right profession.
Office
Hilton Head, South Carolina
12PM Back Up -- the Direction of the Earth's Axis?
Supervisor: We can't say 'Summer Solutions' on this brochure, because it might confuse people in California because it's summer all the time there. Any ideas of how to reword this?
Staffer: It's not summer all the time in California. It's summer during summer time.
Supervisor: But it's warm all year round, so how do they know it's summer? We need a way to explain that these things are only intended for the summer.
Staffer: But they still know what summer is, even if it's still warm during the other seasons.
Supervisor: I'm not sure about that...
Staffer: Summer isn't about temperature, it's about the direction of Earth's axis. Summer is always in June, July, and August. It always starts with the solstice in June.
Supervisor: I don't know anything about solstices and all that. Let's just reword this.
Staffer: But California still has a summer. I'm telling you, they know what summer is.
Supervisor: I don't know. They might get confused.
Staffer: Confused about what?
Supervisor: Confused about when summer is. Like, it's summer right now, 'cause it's been warm lately.
Staffer: No... April is in the spring.
Delaware
Overheard by: rofl in cube next door
2PM But the Day Is Young
Female supervisor: Hey, Stan*, you got a stiffy today?
Office worker with pained expression: Uh... I've just got a sore neck.
Hemel Hempstead
UK
12PM She Doesn't Need to Work, but She's in It for the SWAG
Supervisor: I have to clean this place up today before one of the company reps shows up!
Worker: Are they bringing us some squishy balls?!
Supervisor: No... Oh, not that kind of rep -- this guy is from one of the companies that pays us.
Worker: What? Are they at least bringing some candy? Candy! Candy! Candy! Yay, candy!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
4PM Nobody Can Take a Deposition Like You
Attorney: Okay, lay down on your desk.
Paralegal: Okay, but don't look at my butt.
Attorney, after long pause: Wow, you have an amazing pain tolerance!
Burien, Washington
Overheard by: third wheel
3PM That Means It's Working
Manager: Just put it in your mouth and suck on it.
Associate: But I don't want to get sick... What will happen? [Long, awkward pause] It's burning my tongue.
East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Champagnegurl
3PM Home of the Box Lunch
CSR girl: The Gold Gentleman's Club... That's where girls strip, right?
Sleazy manager: Yeah, they got real pretty girls there, but they don't dance long enough! You give them a 20, and they look at you like, 'What have you done for me lately?'
Quiet guy: They've got really good food there on Fridays.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Office Peon
2PM Reader Challenge: Take Your Office Mary Out to Lunch
Boss: Have you fixed that invoice?
Minion: Yeah! It was totally magical -- Mary* thinks I'm awesome, and she's going to do some stuff in the system and the invoice will be fixed!
Boss: So, we're getting paid?
Minion: Yeah! Magical Mary will fix it, I'll send it out, and we'll get paid! Hooray for everyone!
200 Harry S. Truman Parkway
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: Rica
11AM I Suggest You Glue Your Ass to Your Own Chair
Office drone #1: What's a funnier prank -- if I tape the the receiver to the boss's phone, or if I fix it so she can't open the drawer?
Office drone #2: Um, maybe you should... [looks pointedly at returning boss behind drone #1].
Office drone #1: I know! I'll glue her coffee mug to her desk. Bitch'll be spewing!
Boss, standing right behind drone #1: Bitch is behind you.
Harris Street
Pyrmont, Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: get back to work!
5PM Oh, and Smallpox Victims!
Boss: Oh, you met Beth* from the London office? How old did she look?
Woman on phone: Oh, well, she looked older than me, so she must in her 50s. Then again, sometimes people look older than me, but they turn out to be only 35.
Boss: Cigarette smokers.
Woman on phone: ... And meth addicts.
Sears Tower
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: 22 and never doing meth
1PM Okay, How Real a Meeting Is It?
Boss: I want Joan* helicoptered into this afternoon's meeting.
Peon: But Joan works in this building. She could just walk.
Boss: I wasn't being literal -- it's a metaphysical helicopter.
Aberdeen
Scotland
Overheard by: metaphysical, my arse
9AM And I'm Going to Be Completely Rigid about This
Old maid boss: Do you have a boner over there?
Young male worker, confused: I'm sorry, what?
Old maid boss: A boner. For folding paper [holds up knife]. Do you have one?
Young male worker: How can you seriously be calling it that? I know you know what that means.
Old maid boss: No, I know you need one if you don't have one. I'll get another one.
Young male worker: I know you know what that means. I know you know what that means. I don't want anything to do with it.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
9AM Okay, Now Explain 'Compooter'
Oblivious female boss flipping through magazine: Oooh, pooter! I love pooter.
Startled worker: What?!
Oblivious female boss: Look -- pooter letter openers!
Startled worker: Um, that word is actually pronounced 'pewter.' [Under his breath] Christ.
6101 O'Connell Avenue
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
9AM I Forgot That We Outsource Our Fraud
Employee: I can't process this according to your instructions.
Boss: Why's that?
Employee: It's against federal law.
Boss: I'll have someone else do it.
Seattle, Washington
5PM In the Crisper, behind the Lettuce
Female boss: We need to add more scrotum!
Male designer: ... Are you serious?
Female boss: Yeah, apparently we're missing a few.
Male designer: Got it. Where's the scrotum?
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: The Other Designer
9AM Miranda, You Get an Exemption 'til Your Eyebrows Grow Back
Boss: Okay, who's not afraid of fire?
McLean, Virginia
3PM A Struggle for Survival Helps Youngsters Put Things into Perspective
Employee: Sounds like your kid might need to get some professional help.
Boss: You know what I wanna do? Give that kid a fucking Valium and send him off to a wilderness camp!
Employee: Uh...
Florida
1PM I Just Wouldn't Eat It Afterwards
Boss: I thought you were a vegetarian.
Employee: That doesn't mean I wouldn't kick a possum!
1550 Timothy Road
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Travis Roberts
1PM Translation: Whatever You Do Will Have to Be Done Over
Project manager: We need to get the turnover rate for the past 12 months.
Database admin: I have that. I can give you the turnover for the past year.
Project manager: Great! We'll also need it for the previous 12 months.
Database admin: I'm confused -- isn't the past 12 months the previous 12 months?
Project manager: Yes.
1055 Lenox Park Boulevard
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iga
9AM But I Won't Let It Spoil My Peyote High
Manager: Your breath alcohol came back at point 09. We are going to have to term your contract, and you can get a taxi to go get your stuff out of your truck and find a way home.
Driver: That's a bummer.
7238 Western Select Drive
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: I'm Having a Good Day!
5PM At Least I Can Stop Eating
Salesman: I'm just trying to help you! Every time I see you you're eating.
Purchasing manager, mouth full of cookies: Every time I see you you're ugly.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
9AM If Those Are the Choices
Forklift driver: I need to reload this overweight [truck]. Do I need to unload the ass to put these two in the belly, or should I just throw them on?
Supervisor: Really, I would prefer them in the ass.
Iowa
3PM Six Sigma Is All about Eliminating Defects
Quality manager: If I told you what I know...
Salesman: You'd have to kill Charles*?
Quality manager: No... That's not a bad idea, though.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
5PM So How about Dinner on Friday?
Sales manager: My husband and I used that new KY warming gel last night, and I thought of you.
Female sales assistant: Ummm, could you please not think of me while you're having sex?
Sales manager: No, what I mean is...
Female sales assistant: No. Please, just stop.
Brentwood, Tennessee
Overheard by: sex object
9AM Then I Have Some Bad News about Those Envelopes You Just Licked
Paralegal to friendly lawyer: I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand.
Lawyer: What's your problem? We just saved the firm hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Paralegal: It has nothing to do with that... I'd help to bankrupt an orphanage if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won't you shake my hand?
Paralegal: Sir, I was in the bathroom when you took a shit after the meeting, and you didn't wash your hands. That's just disgusting.
725 12th Street NW
Washington, DC
10AM The Awful Cost of Gays in the Military
Boss storming through office: Fuck those idiots! They couldn't sell pussy to a troop train!
New girl: What about a train? [Long pause] And did he just say 'pussy'?
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: On the laugh train...
11AM Someday You'll Be the Stupid Boss, So Have Compassion
Supervisor: Did you answer my phone while I was gone?
Worker bee: It didn't ring.
Supervisor: Well, did John call for me?
Worker bee: He didn't call. Your phone didn't ring.
Supervisor: But did you answer a call from John?
Worker bee: No, when your phone didn't ring, I didn't answer it, and when I didn't answer it, John wasn't the one that didn't call.
75 Washington Avenue
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: brian brinegar
1PM How Wrong Would You Like It to Be?
Production manager: All I'm saying, Betty*, is do something, even if it's wrong!
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Nikki
3PM Part of My Deal with the DA's Office
Secretary: What are they here for?
Boss: They are here to remove my organ.
Secretary: ... What?
Fort Street
Lincoln Park, Michigan
1PM What's It Gonna Take to Get Me Out of This Conversation?
Girl: Yeah, he thought you meant that I was gonna make cheese from my breast milk, you know, to save money...
Boss: That's not what I meant.
Girl: I know!
Texas
Overheard by: the lowly receptionist
1PM They Were Both Rash Acts
Employee: That astronaut chick had to be totally nuts to put on a diaper and drive 13 hours to whack that other woman.
Boss: Well, astronauts do have to wear diapers in space. She probably had some around the house.
Employee: Oh? So it's part of her culture.
Boss, laughing: When the cops finally caught her, she calmly said, 'This was a bad idea.'
Employee: The gun or the diapers?
7 West 29th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Fabio
3PM Oh, and You're Working Sunday
Boss watching Sin City: Dibs on Jessica Alba.
Employee #1: I'll fight you for her.
Boss: Okay. [They spar for a second, then the boss kicks the employee in the shin and slaps him in the head, dropping him to the floor.]
Employee #1: Ow.
Employee #2: Just not smart, dude.
Employee #1: It hurts so bad.
Boss: Respect dibs.
Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: He can have her
10AM Quick, Pass Me That Cigar
Boss #1: You going to mass to get your ashes done?
Boss #2: Oh, Jesus, I forgot all about that! Is it Ash Wednesday?
Tennessee
2PM Shall I Season Your Fracture?
Managing director: What happened to you?
Warehouse employee: A skid fell on my leg. Don* just left to call me an ambulance.
Managing director: A skid of what?
Warehouse employee: ... Ground coriander.
Managing director: That came in today? Great! We've been waiting for that.
Warehouse employee: ... My leg is broken.
Managing director: And we appreciate that.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
12PM Either Be Weekly or Not at All, I Say
Warehouse supervisor: Hey, I have to start having these bi-weekly meetings now...
Sales chick: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Warehouse supervisor: Tell me about it. Anyway, is there anything you can think of that I need to address? ... Bi -- that means every other week, right?
Sales chick: Um, yeah.
Warehouse supervisor: I just don't like that word. Bi. It just sounds wrong.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
2PM Because We Don't Know What Can't Be Done
Boss: We're trying to fit a round square into a peg hole.
53 West Jackson Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mark
11AM No, Nothing Work-Related
Manager #1: Shit! I can't remember what I wanted to ask Al*...
Manager #2: If he's gay? If he's doing coke?
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM You Want Mine? I'm Suddenly Not Hungry Anymore
Boss: I hate these burritos. The ingredients aren't mixed up at all. It's like a fetus they mangled into a tortilla.
North Meridian Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Developer
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
11AM Keith Gets 30 Days in the Hole
Manager to three people working in cubicle: What are you all doing in here?!
Male coworker: There's a dead mouse in my cube.
Lady coworker: This is Keith*. He's a temp, but there's nowhere for him to sit, so they're all in my cube.
Manager: What are you doing about the mouse?!
Male coworker: Some guy came up and removed the filing cabinets and found the mouse. But he had to call a guy in another union to come and pick up the mouse.
Manager: What the fuck? This is unbelievable.
Lady coworker: It's like an overcrowded prison in here.
Manager: Oh, I'll show you prison [leaves].
Keith: Is she mad?
Male coworker: Isn't this fun?
777 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
4PM But, Sadly, Never in the Same Room As a Map
Manager: Be sure that you take a coat with you if go over there, because when it's warm here, it's cold there.
Employee: In England?
Manager: Yeah, their summer is like our winter.
Employee: I don't think so.
Manager, frustrated: Well, it's true. I went there in May, and it was freezing. I had to wear a jacket all the time. They're in, like, a different hemisphere, or something.
Employee, laughing: No, they aren't. They're just further North than we are, and their climate's a little different. Australia's in a different hemisphere. England is in the same hemisphere that we are -- North... West.
Manager, in a cold fury: Look. I've been there.
Hamilton Drive
Smithfield, North Carolina
Overheard by: westward ho
9AM ... For Less Than $2.99 a Minute
Boss on phone: Hi! I just wanted to call and see if you were all sparkly from all that fairy dust I sprinkled on you. You are? That's so hot!
Underling: I should so not be hearing this.
Camden Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
3PM I Suppose I Could Have Tested Each One, But...
Newbie walking over to Poland Spring water machine: You know, I've never known which one of these is colder.
Boss: What you mean?
Newbie: I've never been sure if the red tab gives you colder water than the blue tab.
Boss: [Stares.]
Newbie: Do you know?
Boss: Yeah. It's the blue tab.
Newbie: Are you sure?
Boss: [Walks away.]
31 West Grove Street
Middleboro, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Ryan Engley
3PM That Requires Dinner, a Certain Charm, and All the Steps on This Process Map
Managing director handing envelope to secretary: Do you have a wet thing?
17 State Street
New York, New York
1PM I Didn't Go to MIT to Under-engineer Things
Boss: So, how can we cut our costs?
Engineer #1: We could add cheap filler to the plastic.
Engineer #2: But that would reduce the strength.
Engineer #1: Okay, so it wouldn't work for a space station, but it will work on a bucket.
2100 Adelbert Road
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Just passing through
4PM It's an Executive Privilege
Boss: I think it's time for a sodey!
Coworker: What, like, mix it yourself?
Boss: Yup! I'm going to jerk it right here at my desk!
Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York
Overheard by: talking-to-hr-about-moving-my-desk
3PM No, Just Lilies
Supervisor #1: Did one of you guys grab my obituary off the printer?
Employee: You're dead?
Supervisor #2: Let's go see if she has anything good on her desk.
19th Street and Douglas Street
Iowa
Overheard by: Lloyd
3PM Why Pot Is Still Illegal
Numbers guy: Wait, where did you get these numbers from?
Boss: Wikipedia.
Numbers guy: We can't use those numbers!
Boss: Why? Only reliable people post things there so it's okay to use the numbers in the report to the FDA.
St. Louis, Missouri
11AM Bossie and I Are Just Friends
Male graphic designer: This looks like a uterus, but it's supposed to be a cow. Can we use it?
Female boss: You don't have a girlfriend, do you?
Windward Parkway
Alpharetta, Georgia
Overheard by: Mary
3PM Singing Telegram?
Boss: So, your voicemail kicked me off because my message was too short. I can understand it cutting you off if you start in on a monologue, but what if you just want to leave a message saying, 'Fuck you'?
Rockefeller University
New York, New York
Overheard by: Molly the Mole
2PM Why She Cuts the Brake-Lines on All of Her Employees' Cars
Bridal manager to front desk receptionist: Yes, I understand it's difficult to be yelled at by 30 consultants, but let's think back to last year after you were almost killed in that car accident -- wouldn't you have been lucky to be yelled at by just two consultants?
Bridal store
New York, New York
9AM Where It's Win or Lose without the Rolling Disasters
GM: So, how are you doing?
Clerk: Well, I was almost fired today, so, you know, I've been crying a lot.
GM: You know what? You should really be having fun out here! Try to have a little fun out here!
Clerk: [Blinks.]
GM: Okay! Now I have to go coach Little League!
Howe Street
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
1PM They're All Like, 'Boo Hoo, Who Moved My Cheese?'
Coworker to another about manager: So he said, 'If someone comes into your office crying, just ignore it. It used to freak me out, but now I realize it happens all the time.'
46th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
11AM 'You Suck' -- Now That's Criticism!
Angry manager: ... And you are in no way the Leah* you should be! Do I make myself clear?!
Tearful employee: ... Yes.
Angry manager: Are you always like this?
Tearful employee: No, I usually respond well to criticism, it's just--
Angry manager: --It's not criticism, it's feedback!
Pride Park, Derby
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Glad I work in another department
9AM Bringing the Grand Total to Three
Young, blonde female: Um, wow, I just cracked my spine and grew, like, an inch.
Male supervisor: Yeah, I just grew, like, an inch watching you.
3rd Street and Colorado Street
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Miss Informed
11AM Just a Good One with a Bad Temper
Restaurant manager shooing out two vagrants: Guys, you'll have to leave. Go on.
Vagrant #1: How long you been in the klan?
Restaurant manager, taken aback: Actually, I'm Catholic and the klan is very anti-Catholic.
Vagrant #2: No. No! They were Catholics!
Restaurant manager: You're wrong. Class dismissed. Now get your ass out of here or I'll have the dish washers put you two motherfuckers in the trash compactor, ass-to-mouth.
Vagrant #1: You a bad Catholic!
Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
5PM Tonight's Movie: The Filing Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Manager: Are you going to keep filing those signatures today?
Intern: Yes, unless you have something more exciting for me to do.
Manager: Oh, here, I have some death certificates you could file.
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Yeah, that's much better
2PM But Here at Mengele Inc. That's Okay
Manager: You know butadiene is a reproductive toxin, right?
Peon: A what?
Manager: Reproductive toxin -- it causes sterility.
Peon: Okay... You know, maybe we should sterilize that town... Wait, was that out loud?
Manager, laughing: Yeah.
Houston, Texas
3PM Then My Work Here Is Done
Boss talking about movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: And he sees the body out of the corner of his eye just when you're thinking that, and he turns and pees on it...
Female cube rat: We just had a seminar on our sexual harassment policy, and I am offended by that. I should report you.
Boss: Go ahead, I have pictures and emails.
Male cube rat: Do we have an official blackmail policy?
Black male cube rat: I take offense to that.
1771 N Street
Washington, DC
Overheard by: afraid to speak
11AM You Should Come This Sunday
Boss: Call it 'team environment,' because I don't like the word 'culture.' It reminds me of that other word. You know, what they call my church...?
Office manager: [Stares in silence.]
Boss: Cult! They call it a cult.
Manitoba
Canadia
10AM Do You Really Think I'm Capable of Explaining That?
Boss: I don't get it. Why are these entries all wrong?
Data entry grunt: Look at the user report. Out of 75 users, 67 of them are entering the data incorrectly. We need to get those 67 in a training session so we're all on the same page.
Boss: I'm not sure how -- I've never had to do this before.
Data entry grunt: Right... Can we just take a moment here so you can explain to me why you're the manager but I'm the one that does the managing?
K-V Road
Victoria, Virginia
12PM I Didn't Know That
Manager: You've already lied to me twice tonight!
Waiter, louder: But I didn't know you knew I was lying!
Haynes Bridge Road
Alpharetta, Georgia