5PM When His White Friends Call, It Plays Jay-Z's "Ain't No Nigga"

Assistant: Whose phone is that? Who has rap music on their ringtone?
Sales guy, across room: Is that mine?
Assistant: Seriously? Is that your phone? [Sales guy runs to his desk.]
Office manager: It sounds like porn...

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

1PM I've Sacked Plenty of Clemson Graduates, Though

Lobbyist, accompanying CEO: Clemson football games are wonderful. Saturday afternoon games down there are great.
Staffer: Yes, they were a lot of fun.
Lobbyist, to CEO: Have you ever watched a Clemson game?
CEO, nonchalantly turning to leave: No, they never played Yale.

Washington, DC

1PM Chopsticks, However, Are Better for Stabbing Bigots in the Throat

Employee #1: How's your burger?
Asian manager, with messy burger: Good, but it?s hard to eat...
Employee #2: It would be harder to eat with chopsticks!

Boston, Massachusetts

4PM No, on the Guy He's Kneeling Next To

Boss, looking at photograph: Geez, look at the smile on this guy!
Peon: That's a mustache.

Middlemount, Queensland
Australia

Overheard by: Glad he shaves...

3PM He Took the Short Bus to Management School

Coworker: Actually, there are some plants that are flame retardant.
Manager: Ha! You said 'retard.'

1212 South Rangeline Road
Indiana

Overheard by: Just Listening

10AM Or Is That Just Maryland?

Boss: It smells good in here! What is that? Grape?
Female employee: Uh, no, it's cranberry. Cranberry room spray.
Boss, after long pause: So, did you just fart or something?

4511 Knox Road
College Park, Maryland

5PM Wait -- What?

Worker bee: Did somebody clean over here?
Manager: Yeah. Remember that day you took a picture of my butt?

745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

12PM You Do?

Manager: I can't do that to the client! Don't you see the cart before the horse here? It's chicken and egg!
VP: Yeah, but if you wanna run with the wolves--
Manager: --It's lying down with dogs and getting up with fleas!
VP: Yeah, I see your point...

Calgary, Alberta
Canadia

3PM Or I'll Go All Yahoo on Your Ass

Supervisor: Did you find it yet?
Intern, looking on Internet: No, I'm still looking.
Supervisor: Did you Google it?
Intern: Yeah, couldn't find it.
Supervisor, yelling: Well, then Google harder!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Rumpleforeskin

9AM But Now I'll Just Make a Bundle Suing You for Harassment

Teen employee: I'm so worried about getting into college. Although, I really don't know what I want to do with my life.
Middle-aged boss: You'd make a great stripper.
Teen employee: You know, I've considered it.

Bookstore
New York, New York

Overheard by: I guess I won't apply for a job after all

10AM Tides Me Over 'Til I Can Get Out to My Anarchist Compound

Boss: What's your password? I want to sign in and test the new system we set up.
Office gal: 'Detonate.'
Boss: [Silence.]
Office gal: What? I like typing 'Detonate' and hitting 'Enter'! It's extremely satisfying!

60 East 42nd Street
New York, New York

12PM Time to Stop Having Dinner at Mel Gibson's House

Jewish manager: I got your e-mail about XYZ Spring Company* not being able to make that spring.
Office girl: Yeah, those dirty-- Ugh!
Jewish manager: It's okay, it's okay!
Office girl: They just keep quoting stuff, and when I give them an order they decide they can't do it because they are little pieces--! Ugh! Never mind!
Jewish manager: Are you okay?
Office girl: Yeah... I'm just trying to be Christian today.
Jewish manager: ... Good for you. [Walks away.]
Office girl, from a distance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I'm fired now.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

9AM The Snatch Catch?

Female peon: Did you cock-block me last night?
Supervisor: No, I don't think so.
Male peon #1: Wait -- is there a female equivalent to the cock-block?
Male peon #2, after long pause: Vag glue?

East 57th Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: Chris J.

1PM And I Thought I'd Erased Your Memory of That Incident

Owner: So, Gary*, did you ever tell Lou* that he could not get a check for any steel order we needed?
Gary: No, no, no, I have never done that.
Lou: What about last week?
Gary: Well, we didn't have any money then.

Provo, Utah

Overheard by: Poking my eyes out

5PM And Apologies in Advance to Tom, Dick, and Harry

Manager, during meeting: ... And we just don't want any Joe Schmoe helping people on the phone... No offense, Joe.
Joe, phone answerer: Mmm.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Celebratious

12PM Because Now I Have to Go See

Manager: I was walking my dog this morning when I felt a pain in a very private place, so I ran inside my house and pulled my pants down in my living room, and a fire ant had bitten me on my you-know-what!
Employee: Ouch?
Manager: It really itches. I keep going to the bathroom and pulling down my pants and looking at it and touching it, but I'm scared to put any medicine on my private place.
Employee: Oh. That is a problem.
Manager: I know. Oh, I'm itching again, I'll be right back. [Goes to the restroom.]
Employee, to coworker: I'm picturing her 50-year-old, ant-bitten vagina right now, and I want to stab myself to get that image out of my head.

Sandwich shop
South Carolina

3PM ... And Could You Say That Again, into This Recorder?

CFO: Well, don't you look dolled up today! What is the occasion?
Payroll: It's the first day of my sexual harassment litigation...

Kirkland, Washington

Overheard by: oops

2PM But That Was Just with Money.

Supervisor: Good job!
Needy peon: Really?
Supervisor: Yes, of course! Why don't you ever believe me?
Needy peon: 'Cause last week I said, 'I trust you,' and you said, 'Oh, God, don't do that!'
Supervisor: Oh, yeah...

Louisville, Kentucky

11AM You Know, Killing All Those Spades

Boss, holding meeting: So, you want to handle this thing?
Female employee: No.
Boss: What's the matter? You can't handle Harlem at night?
Female employee: No.
Boss: Faggot.
Queer employee: I'm surprised you used that word.
Boss: What? 'Faggot'?
Queer employee: Yes.
Boss: Obviously I don't think she's gay. I said 'faggot' in the sense of, you know, a sissy. No guts.
Drama queen employee: Besides, you faggots call each other 'faggot' all the time. I know you do.
Queer employee: I guess.
Boss: Glad we settled that. [To female employee] Now... I expect you to take your sissy ass to Harlem and take care of this thing.

Law firm
Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

1PM Could I Have My Head Grafted onto Your Torso?

Annoying female worker: I feel so left out... Can I just move my desk next to yours?
Manager: Absolutely not.

Howard Street
Burlington, Vermont

Overheard by: Drone

10AM And I Don't Want to Be Distracted by the Hypnotic Movement of Your Fat

Fat male boss: So, how are you feeling these days?
Slim, seven-months-pregnant admin assistant: Pretty good, but my back is starting to hurt a little from the 17 pounds I've gained.
Fat male boss: You know, you're going to want to watch that. That weight isn't easy to take off once you've put it on.

Zeeland, Michigan

Overheard by: So glad I no longer work for him

10AM Remember Our Talk about "In Work" and "Out Of Work" Conversations?

President, referring to company's succession plan: I just want to hold out until it gets turned over to you guys. I want to see you guys take it.
Assistant: You see us take it every day.

Rodeo Park Drive
Santa Fe, New Mexico

3PM Like This Conversation?

Female peon: Okay, I'm going to Erin's* dinner. See you tomorrow.
Male boss: Do me a favor -- when you see her, squeeze her ass for me.
Female peon: Why don't you squeeze her ass yourself?
Male boss: Are you kidding? That would be sexual harassment.

150 Mineola Boulevard
Mineola, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

12PM Which One You'd Be Friends with Says a Lot about Who You Are

Big boss at farewell party for employee: I stopped drinking soda a long time ago because I want to stop consuming all those fake sugars.
Young employee: I stopped buying soda along time ago, too, so I can have more money for alcohol.

Broadway and Wall Street
New York, New York

11AM So, "My Face, Ma'am."

Office girl arriving in meeting: Is there anywhere I can sit?
Manager: My face, but I can't say that because I just got out of sensitivity training.

North Hollywood, California

Overheard by: I have a face too

11AM I Don't Know -- Is It?

Manager: First thing we do is get back control of petty cash.
HR clerk: Isn't that like closing the barn door after the coke has been snorted?

5760 Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

4PM Sure Thing, Tammy.

Waiter #1, pointing: Tammy's* either gettin' a poochy belly, or she needs to trim that beaver.
Waiter #2: It's beaver. I fucked her last month, after her sister died, and I thought I was suddenly in a '70s porno.
Manager: You guys need to go find something to clean.

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

2PM Friday Afternoons Quickly Degenerate into Hide-and-Seek

Assistant: What are you up to?
Boss, gleefully: I'm fucking about!

Queen Street
Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Kate

5PM All I Meant Was You Seem to Need a Lot of Stimulation... Dammit!

Male manager to female assistant carrying two cups of coffee: Double fisting? ... Wow, sorry. I'm sorry.

175 5th Avenue
New York, New York

Overheard by: Emily

2PM We Happily Bring You an Amusing Anecdote Reader's Digest Won't

Clerk: God, why is that old man so angry?
Manager: Give him a break. How many more times is he going to be buying new shoes? He'll probably be buried in these.
Old crab, from across room: I'm not deaf, you bitches!

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

9AM But You're Just Motivating the Hell Out of Me Today

New senior manager: So... When have you ever given a shit?
Employee: I don't know. It's been a while.

Interstate Parkway North
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Deno

2PM Gold and Sparkly? Really?

Boss: Ah, you're wearing a tie-dyed shirt.
Office girl: Isn't it nice?
Boss: Yeah. Hey, doesn't that circle remind you of Jake's* asshole?
Office girl: Wait, what?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

1PM Goodness -- It Certainly Isn't

Shipping manager: Man, something smells good over here!
Nearby cube girl: It's not me!

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Countin' down the days...

3PM Office Decorum Can Be a Sticky Issue

Supervisor: Did you happen to locate that file while I was away this week?
Employee: No. I'm not comfortable rooting through your drawers. I feel like I am up to something.
Supervisor: Uhhh...

100 Cushman Street
Fairbanks, Arkansas

Overheard by: quiet one

5PM Except for Larry, Who Can Keep the Tutu

Coder #1: I just can't work in these pants!
Coder #2, raising hand: Seconded!
Boss #1: No! Motion fails!
Boss #2: Indeed -- pants remain a workplace requirement!

7255 East Hampton Avenue
Mesa, Arizona

Overheard by: Chris Cardinal

10AM And They Need Hard Numbers

Manager: I just want to know -- what is the penetration of 12 to 17-year-old girls?
Analyst: I'm not sure we want to show that...
Manager: They need to know how many 12 to 17-year-olds have been penetrated!

28 State Street
Boston, Massachusetts

9AM We're More Like Your Kids Who Won't Get Jobs

Supervisor: You guys are just like my family!
Office peon: Yeah, except we don't throw your shit in the river.

Academy Street
Newark, Delaware

Overheard by: Dude

4PM You Were Voted Least-Valuable Player

Boss, setting down ancient computing equipment: I don't know what's going to happen when I turn this on. Hopefully it won't catch on fire...
Minion: Then why is it on my desk?

Tyco Road
Vienna, Virginia

Overheard by: Hiding behind the bookshelves

10AM White People and Their Imaginary Problems

Intern: I need to get some sun... so I can get laid. I mean, cancer or celibacy?
Office manager: Cancer!

212 3rd Avenue North
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Sad, but True

3PM Be Warned, Dear Reader, There Is a Cumming, Georgia

Secretary: Oh, come on. You can do more than you can do.
Boss: I try... It just won't work.

Cumming, Georgia

1PM ... That Your Coffee Was Poisoned

Boss, during staff meeting: Does anyone have anything to add?
Coworker: Yeah, I just wanted to say that--
Boss: --Man, this coffee tastes weird! [Shrugs and continues drinking.]

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

4PM Kidding! Just Kidding, Mrs. Glick!

Employee: I don't want anymore customers to come in.
Manager: I know, me either. [As old lady with walker approaches door] Dammit... I hope she dies before she gets to the door.

Portland, Oregon

10AM My Feral Cats Care!

Admin: Well, when you feel better we have to talk. We have to make sure everyone knows that my job is so important.
Manager, sighing: Yes, Terri*, we've had this conversation. It's not good to be so needy or crave so much recognition.
Admin: I have so much to offer! So many people are doing double work!
Manager: Cheer down, girlfriend. No one really cares.

Rochelle Park, New Jersey

3PM Sometimes You Can Feel All Meaning Evaporating Right Out of Your Head

Secretary: She said she's having trouble with her desktop...
Manager: Her desktop or her laptop?
Secretary: Desktop.
Manager: So the one that sits on the desk, or the one that she can carry around with her?
Secretary: Yes.

Portland, Oregon

1PM And Easier Said Than Done, Am I Right?

Boss: So, I decided that when I turn 40 I'm going to not swear as much, and I only have a week left!
Assistant: Yeah, say 'fuck' a lot.
Boss: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... That's my favorite word ever!

Portland, Oregon

5PM Must... Not... Fire... Best Employee...

Boss: Why does your 'Help' work?
Employee: Because I installed it and set it up correctly.
Boss: Why doesn't Greg's* 'Help' work, then?
Employee: Do you want me to go in there and help him wipe, too?

4500 Research Way
Corvallis, Oregon

4PM And I Was Feeling So Good about the Toilet Training

Production manager: As the wrestler Mr. Perfect used to say, 'It ain't easy being perfect, but somebody's gotta do it!'
Sales guy: Hey, you've got coffee on your shirt.
Production manager, crestfallen: Oh... I guess I'm not perfect, after all...

8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Nikki

12PM When the Dimmest Screen in the Office Encounters the Brightest

Branch manager: Your monitor is so bright! I love it! It's got to be the brightest screen in this office!
Sales guy: Uhhh...
Branch manager: It's like a hospital computer or something! It's that bright!
Sales guy: ... Well, I was out sick last week...

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

1P