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1PM It's Hard to Be Kind to the Example-Challenged
Assistant branch manager: Have you ever watched that show called Bizarre Foods?
Employee: No. What is it about?
Assistant branch manager: Well, it's this show called Bizarre Foods, and they have the most bizarrest foods!
Employee: ... Hence the name!
Northwest Parkway
Georgia
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"
Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!
Hackensack, New Jersey
1PM God, I Love Doing That to Her
Manager: So, we should totally take a consensuous on that with the entire team.
Employee: Consensus.
Manager: What?
Employee: Consensus.
Manager, laughing: I should totally carry around a thesaurius with me! [Employee walks away.]
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: BeeMonstre
10AM When the Boss Is Happy, We Can All Relax
Boss, quietly singing: I'm a chubby little monkey, monkey, monkey -- I'm a chubby little monkey...
Harris Street
Pyrmont
Australia
Overheard by: i am too!
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
3PM I'm Going to Appeal
Boss: I'm on the banana.
Library
Virginia
12PM You're Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia
Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.
I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
2PM And We're Getting the Most Peculiar E-mails
Boss: I don't know when we became such a mecca for church groups.
1975 Vineville Avenue
Macon, Georgia
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
12PM I Was Doing a Little Recreational Bleeding into My Brain
Creative director: I'm trying not to push myself today. I kind of had a spinal tap at three A.M.
29th Street
New York, New York
1PM Fortune Cookies Are Getting More and More Gay-Positive
Queer boss to new female employee: Don't waste your time being a man who has sex with women.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up
CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don't think they'll remember the grad date they said... But it's not actually a year...
Ad manager: But it's good for a year. Doesn't it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn't. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can't say a year if it isn't a year.
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: all ears
2PM How Often Is That Necessary?
Boss: Me and my wife would drive a hundred miles for a jar of good pickles!
10749 West 84th Terrace
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: PeaveyMan
9AM Now, Would You Stop Bench-Pressing Me?
Supervisor to file clerk: You know, I really don't see you in the corporate workplace at all... I see you somewhere doing something violent like the American Gladiators or something.
101 South 5th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Candice
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
5PM Her Office Is Decorated in a SpongeBob Theme
Hiring manager: I think I need to go have some fun.
Training manager: If you want to have a good time, you need to come into my office! ... If you want to have some fun... [Face turns red and she walks into her office.]
2835 Decker Lake Boulevard
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Cubicle spud
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
9AM Not the Kind of Market Penetration We Want
Communications manager: Conclusion is, don't eat your sex toys!
Sex toy factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: TinkMom
5PM But That Gerbil Was the Best Darned Chimney Sweep I'd Ever Seen
Male boss: It was uncomfortable how far up there she was.
Ellicott City, Maryland
2PM I'm Up for Finding Out
Boss to statistician entering the room: We were just wondering if it was even possible to be overlay-ed?
Arnett Avenue
Lambertville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Overjoyed
1PM Instead We'll Have a Class on "Constructive Disagreement"
Male boss, after female employee leaves room after argument: Now I know why men beat their wives.
465 Democrat Road
Memphis, Tennessee
3PM On the Plus Side, Absenteeism Is Way Down
Boss: The body bags take up a lot of room.
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: P
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
2PM Customer: Wouldya Look at This Bullshit?
Assistant manager, about e-mail to customer: Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM The Privilege of Rank
Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gee, Thanks
12PM No Wonder the Pages Get Upset with Us
Boss: G-mail chat is like the grown-up, mature version of AIM, even though we still talk about pee-pee and poo-poo.
2 Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
10AM We Will Now Commence with the Floggings
Manager: Okay, creatives, since [creative director] is away this week, I've decided to make you comfortable: Motherfucker, cunt, snatch, bitch, motherfucker!
Adelaide Street
West Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just passing through
11AM Now He's a Christian -- and Not in the Good Way
Boss: Yeah, he was into doing drugs -- and not in the good way.
San Francisco, California
9AM The Judge Now Talks through a Hand Puppet
Attorney to secretary: You should be excited! There are no penises this time!
Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Walking In At The Wrong Time
12PM Only If It's Rubbed with Truffles
Mid-level manager: I didn't know ham could smell fear.
Highland Hills, Ohio
11AM Ma'am This Is the New South
Old white lady: Excuse me, where do you keep your knickers?
White supervisor, nervously: What? I don't have any...
Clothing store
Ocala, Florida
10AM Are We Done Yet?
Boss: Do you have five minutes so I can talk to you for a sec?
Orlando, Florida
9AM And You're Positively Glowing with Health!
Employee: I really like the new floor tiles you picked for the office!
Boss: Good thing, too. These old tiles were put in in the 1950s, and I just found out they were made with cobalt.
Employee: Ah.
Boss: Yeah, they're actually radioactive.
Employee: Huh?
Boss: A Geiger counter would totally pick up on the radiation in here!
Employee: Ummm...
Boss: But it's not really a problem -- it would take decades of exposure to effect you, really.
Employee: I've been here 18 years.
Music agency
Vienna
Austria
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM I Promise Not to Hold Your Hand to the Waffle-Iron Again
Manager to petrified new waitress: Relax, dammit! I said to relax!
8511 Lilley Road
Canton, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
4PM I-W-I-S-H-I-C-O-U-L-D-F-I-R-E-Y-O-U
Boss: Hey, how do you spell 'Japanese'? [Peon spells it.] Hmmm, do you think she was Japanese? How do you spell 'Chinese'? [Peon spells it.] I don't know if she was Chinese, though... Here's what we'll do -- [begins typing letter] 'The child speaks Asian...' Wait, how do you spell 'Asian'?
1000 West Central Road
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Overheard by: I work here?
3PM Love the Orange Lipstick, Though
Blonde manager: These hooker shoes are killing my feet.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM ... He Brings a Different Wife to Every Office Party
Boss: I'm not saying he's a polygamist, but...
29th Street
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: mfk
11AM Mrs. Clinton Takes Care to Maintain Her Authority
Boss, yelling in gruff voice: Mine's bigger!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Now Eat My Hot Canadian Bacon! Eat It!
Boss to customer: Would you like to try my meat? It tastes just like maple! Ask anyone -- they all tried it!
Lee, New Hampshire
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM Isn't Easy Being a Preacher, Is It?
Boss: The more questions you ask, the more explanations I have to give.
Sylvan Avenue
Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey
4PM And Not the Other Way Around
Art director, peeling an orange: I wish homeless people smelled like oranges.
Oak Lawn Avenue
Dallas, Texas
11AM That's What I Think of Pleated Khakis on Men
Product manager: So, it's a win-win situation, but without the wins.
70 East 55th Street
New York, New York
3PM You Dare Find My Motivational Slogans Laughable?
Boss: There's no 'I' in 'unity'! Wait... There's no 'me' in 'team'!
Employees: [Laughter.]
300 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois
9AM That's How We Write These Headlines
Boss: I wonder what I could accomplish if I had 10 more hours in a day and a bucket of speed.
East Street
Goderich, Ontario
Canadia
11AM Sadly, That's the Most Specific Feedback I've Gotten All Year
Failed hipster boss to peon: You're really quiet today. Stop being so fucking inclusive.
Middleton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: The Friendliest Emo of All
11AM That Kind of Unpredictability Is Half the Fun
Manager: It starts on the first half, and all of a sudden we're on the next-to-last half.
100 Broadway
New York, New York
5PM And Wandering in Traffic?
Admin assistant: I hear that Jay-Z and Beyoncé actually have an open relationship.
India-Indian boss: Well, it is no surprise since she does not want to get married.
Admin assistant: I guess you're right.
India-Indian boss: I mean, why buy the milk when that cow is just outside?
685 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
11AM You Mean Argue for Years about What to Build?
Boss: We'll have to develop this from Ground Zero principles.
5 Thomas Holt Drive
Sydney
Australia
10AM Like Alternate-Side Parking
Account manager: Um, it's called the UK. Sometimes it's a country, and sometimes it's not.
Washington, DC
Overheard by: When is it not?
5PM According to My Personality Profile
Boss: I would rather be dressed in chaps and a police cap at the Blue Oyster Bar than be subjected to the XYZ Company* auditors.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: K67
4PM Sure, She Meets Lots of New People, but She Doesn't Get Their Names
Development manager: ... So then I told my wife that even if we raised our granddaughter she could still end up like her mother. I mean, she doesn't have tattoos, but she does drugs and she's a tramp.
IT analyst: Don't call your daughter a tramp, that's not nice!
Development manager: Why not? She sleeps with every Tom, Dick and Harry!
IT analyst: At least she has a social life.
1600 South 900 West
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Jealous
3PM And I Just Wanted to Thank You for Thinking of Me
Boss: There's nothing like walking to put the newspapers behind the circulation desk and looking out towards the front and having the first thing you see be the word 'penis.'
Library
Richmond, Virginia
12PM Let's Touch Type, People -- Time's A-Wasting!
Boss: Let's get things set up. Let's move the mouse.
Bethesda, Maryland
4PM I'm Filling Out a Cosmo Quiz
Boss: What do you think of blood dye?
3120 Lincoln Park Avenue
Los Angeles, California
1PM No, Just for Endemic Racism
Interviewing manager looking at resume: This is what? Your middle name? What language is this?
Interviewee: It's Hawaiian. I'm part Hawaiian.
Interviewer: Oh... So, did you have to wait for the white man to get there before you had a language?
San Diego, California
10AM Fraternizing Is Wrong, but I Just Can't Help Myself
Lieutenant: I can't wait to get my hands on your package and give it a good scrubbing.
Oak Harbor, Washington
2PM See, I Kinda Want to Know What It Is Now...
Boss #1 to new lab worker: Okay, now we add the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What are you doing now?
Boss #1: Adding the virus supernatant.
Boss #2: Oh... What is that?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant.
Boss #2: What is that?
Boss #1, irritated: Virus supernatant!
Boss #2: But what is it?
Boss #1: Virus supernatant!
Lab worker #1 to boss #2: Hey, Lou*, what is that? Is it virus supernatant?
Science research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM Lucky I Have You to Look after the Details
Boss: ... So I said, 'Two words: Go fuck yourself.'
Employee: Three words, boss.
Boss: Whatever.
Hadera
Israel
Overheard by: SmR
12PM Stupid Cracker
Executive: Where's the resume I asked for? Where's Bashir's* resume? Goddammit, I can't find that idiot's resume. Stupid Indian.
Assistant: [Silent.]
Executive: So anyways, have you been following this Don Imus thing?
420 Lexington Avenue
New York, New York
3PM We Ended Up Hiring the Stoner Ex-Con with Style
Manager: We didn't hire him because he wore Hush Puppies.
5th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Whitney
1PM Compounded by My Lack of Clothes
Manager: It gets really cold in our office. I haven't figured out the reason yet, because I'm not a physicist. I think it has something to do with the air conditioning coming on.
California
3PM Who Put This in My Mouth, Anyway?
Boss: What the hell is this in my mouth? It's not the butterscotch I expected, that's for sure.
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
2PM You! Write This Down!
Boss in team meeting: I know these conversations are going nowhere, but we're on a deadline so we need to get nowhere faster!
Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
12PM Why the Germans Were Lost When the Berlin Wall Came Down
Boss #1: Most of our people in philanthropy are on coke... They get the work done, but the meetings are like coke conventions.
Boss #2: I had an ex-girlfriend who was always on a lot of coke. I didn't know it, though. I thought she just had a lot of energy. Once, when she was really high, I had to throw her against a wall to snap her out of it.
Boss #1: Well, that's what you have to do sometimes.
Miami, Florida
9AM Aren't You a Little Curious about the Monkey Pushing the Mail Cart?
Boss: I have no idea what goes on, and that's the way I like it!
Balltown Road
Schenectady, New York
4PM All Part of the Element of Surprise
Senior officer: They keep changing the uniforms! I can't tell who's in the Navy and who's parking cars!
Navy Yard
Washington, DC
9AM Like I Was Away on Maternity Leave, or That Our Company Doesn't Exist?
Boss on phone with lawyer: Last year? What? I don't remember last year. Hell, I hardly remember yesterday, let alone last year... Can't we just make something up?
Pearl District
Portland, Oregon
9AM I'm Talking Quantum-Singularity Black
Manager: Could you make this a lighter red?
Designer: You mean pink?
Manager: No, not pink. A lighter red.
Designer: Uh...
Manager: And this part here -- do you have a darker black?
Designer: No, black is pretty much black.
Manager: Well, it needs to be darker than black.
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: bobby
2PM How'd This Get in Here?
Manager to self, while cleaning store's sign: Scrubbing the N, I'm scrubbing the N... Cleaning a T, I clean the T, that's right... Scrubbing the A, I'm scrubbing the A... [Reaches through the center hole of the A.] Scrubbing the A-hole, cleaning out the A-hole... Wait...
Valley View Mall
Roanoke, Virginia
Overheard by: Amused newbie
5PM The Best Managers Don't Even Show Up to Work
Chief technology officer: Can't we find someone else to do it?!
495 Circle 85
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Lizerati
2PM Or Your Christless Superstition
Manager at staff meeting: Let's go around the table, and everyone state your religion.
Pasadena, California
3PM You'd Pick It Then Turn It into Sauce?
Boss: I don't produce much chest hair, but if I did, I would tend to it like a gardener tends to a beautiful tomato.
Waltham, Massachusetts
2PM You Know It Doesn't Involve Real Fire, Right?
Branch manager: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to fire him? I'll fire anyone -- I don't care!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
3PM Not the Worst Wedding Toast Ever...
Boss: It's been a great week, except for the rash.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
10AM If They Happen to Get Motivated, That Can Be Their Christmas Bonus
Service manager: We are not here to motivate employees. We are here to make them do their jobs.
Mavis Road
Mississauga, Ontario
Canadia
4PM (Whisper, Whisper) You Mean Those Yellow People Live Here Now?!
Peon, with Asian friend: Boss, I'd like to introduce you to my friend from Charlotte, Amy*. She's stayin' out here with me for a few days, then heading back home.
Boss: Nice to meet you! Where are you from?
Amy: Charlotte, North Carolina.
Boss: How long have you lived there?
Amy: I was born there -- 25 years now.
Boss: Wow! How do you like it?
Amy: Like what?
Boss: America!
Amy: I, uh... I like it?
Boss: Do you think you'll ever go back?
Amy: Yeah, I leave Sunday.
Boss: Wow! Well, I hope you enjoyed your American vacation!
Office party
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Jesse
10AM Its Melody Is Semisweet
Trainer: 'Charismatic.' That's onomatopoeic.
Employee: What?
Trainer: Onomatopoeic. Like, when I say 'chocolate,' you can hear it.
Fenkle Street
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Kaethe
3PM Where the Money Was
Cube dweller on phone: Hi, boss, we just got robbed!
Manager: Oh my god! Where?
Parade
Suva
Fiji
Overheard by: Siti
2PM That Thing Filled Up Years Ago!
European boss: Okay, James* -- make reservations for us at the Mayflower.
American lab member #1: What? The Mayflower?
European boss: Yes, isn't that what we decided?
American lab member #1: You mean the Wildflower?
European boss: Yeah, the Mayflower.
American lab member #2: The Wildflower, not the Mayflower.
European boss: Right, right. Wait... What is the Mayflower? Oh, yeah, that boat.
Clinical Sciences research building
St. Louis, Missouri
1PM But He Is Dating Both Allen and Julia
Boss: I don't know why he's so moody.
Employee: I know! I think he's bipolar.
Boss: No, I don't think he even likes the cold.
Imperial, Pennsylvania
5PM Why Larry Got the Shaft
Branch manager looking for small, hand-held calculator: I need one of those hand jobs in the lobby.
808 South Main Street
Elkton, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
9AM Give Him the Cup When He Hands in His Copy
Department head to HR manager: I don't fucking care who caught Drew* doing who or what in the bathroom! You do not drug test editors two weeks before the deadline!
McKemey Road
Chandler, Arizona
3PM Everyone Else Was Afraid of Heights
Proud boss, hands on hips: I got a call from my wife today. I'm going to be Jesus Christ tomorrow in my church play!
Nashua, New Hampshire
Overheard by: freakazoid
11AM The Papers Are Still on Us about the Picnic
Boss: I don't want it turning into a mega gangbang.
226 Penarth Road
Cardiff
UK
9AM Could I Have Some Privacy?
Boss eating old almonds: Oh... God... I feel like I'm eating from a squirrel's ass.
Goderich
Ontario
Canadia
11AM And If We Hit the Wall, Keep Going
Boss: I really want us to go the whole 11 yards on this.
Employees: [Silence.]
Boss: Oh, sorry! Twelve. We need to go the whole 12 yards.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Have You Been Suffering from Delusions of Heterosexuality?
Semi-boss: No, I mean, I just misspelled every single word and, like, inverted letters and stuff.
Assistant: Maybe your hands were in the wrong place on the keyboard... Or maybe you have that thing that Tom Cruise has.
Semi-boss: Scientology?
Newark, Delaware
5PM When Government Leads, the People Will Follow
Manager: What's this? Everyone acts stupid all of a sudden.
2300 Plano Parkway
Plano, Texas
Overheard by: Lauren
5PM From My Big Book of Muddled Management Metaphors
Boss: You know, if you're behind the train, then you're probably driving on the tracks again.
200 West Oak Street
Fort Collins, Colorado
5PM In Unrelated News, We Were Voted the Most Abusive Company of 2006
Company owner: Okay, so I haven't heard a real definition of 'bad touch' yet...
111 Oak Street
Bonner Springs, Kansas
4PM Then How Come X-Rays Are Black and White, Smart Guy?
Office manager: Have you ever seen the images from an MRI? It's amazing the beautiful colors that are inside of our bodies!
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: glorified gopher
2PM Have You Considered Giving Puberty a Try?
Boss to magazine editor on phone: Hello? Sorry, what's your name? Jeff? Jeff? Really? Sorry, it's just... you sound like a woman.
UK
10AM I Always Say Friendly Fire Is Better Than No Fire
Boss on phone: I'm the entrepreneur type -- I shoot from the hip. I figure I'll fix it when I'm finished messing it up.
Hayward Avenue
Carteret, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jay-B
3PM Reminded Me Why I Hate Calling Home
Manager: Earlier today my dad almost got eaten alive by our chickens.
7th Street NW
Washington, DC
2PM Really? That Much, Huh?
Boss on phone with client: So, what's been going on? In a new company? You spreading your legs and taking it all in?
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: only female in the office
11AM So Let's Just Tell Them There Are WMDs
IT manager: As long as we try to maintain intelligence, a lot of people are going to get confused.
Tonopah, Arizona
2PM Nobody Said a Word about Functionality
Quality manager: Well, why doesn't it work?
Software manager: Because we didn't write it that way.
Redmond, Washington
9AM If You Want Something Done, Straddle a Busy Person
Boss: She straddles a lot of balls in the air. She has the energy to straddle all of these balls.
270 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
1PM Syntax Error
Boss: Your code no longer doesn't not fail.
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Eric
5PM It's in Our Strategic Plan
Manager in meeting: We'll hit that bridge when we come to it.
London
England
4PM ... The Bank, Too? You're Killing Me Here!
Manager: Where is the post office? Who even goes to the post office? That's just stupid!
Canal Street and 6th Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lest My Hostile Work Environment Leak Out
Sleazy office manager: She's got it going on! I'd fuck the shit out of her in a heartbeat! Oops, I should probably close the door.
30 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
11AM It's Good to Get the Roles Sorted Out before the Hooker Arrives
Boss on phone: Yeah, I'll bring the bottle of wine tomorrow... No, the plan is you make fun of my gout and then tease me with the bottle... Okay, great, see you then.
2694 Peachtree Road
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Covert Kitten
11AM You Can Buy Those Signs at Home Depot
Boss: All signs point to them being assfucks.
Horsham, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Picture Drawer
4PM We Know It's Gonna Be Good for Us
Manager: There is a difference between playing with ourselves and playing with our customers.
8033 Lory Student Center, Colorado State University
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Alli
2PM I'll Be Happy If You Show Up on Monday
Boss: I was going to ask you to come in on Saturday, but then I realized what day it was and who you are, so never mind.
Mineola, New York
11AM ... With a Dash of Corky from Life Goes On
Supervisor: [Former supervisor] was so hot -- like a cross between Colin Farrell and Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.
171 17th Street
Atlanta, Georgia
12PM Trained Boll Weevils
Boss: How do I get a binder for this stuff?
Assistant: There's one in the cabinet.
Boss: Um, how do I get the holes?
Assistant: What?
Boss: How do the holes get in the paper?
3080 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM Do You Dress Right or Left?
Hiring manager to IT guy: We have an applicant who says he has some python under his belt, and I was wondering if there were any questions I should ask him.
6475 SW Fallbrook Place
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: IT guy
4PM And Someone Stole My Paddle to Prop Up a Table
Manager roaming the halls: I want to hurt somebody.
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Dave
1PM Yes Sir, Mr. Gonzales!
Boss: Please stop reading up on our client. I need you to be able to do your job... It's a moral grey area.
1320 South Val Vista Drive
Mesa, Arizona
5PM Like Bob?
Former military guy: Yeah, back when I was enlisted we used to joke that if we ever won the lottery that we would take off all our military owned equipment and walk out the front gate of the base in nothing but our underwear.
Senior admin: Oh my gosh! Wouldn't that mean you would be considered AOL?
North MacArthur Boulevard
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
4PM I Shave First, of Course
Boss: I hate rubbing my hands on that while I'm banging away, so I cover all of the crevices with tape.
Portland, Oregon
12PM This Week I'm Speed-Reading a Case of Châteauneuf-du-Pape
Manager: Instead of wine night, we call it 'book club.'
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Doug's Mom
9AM We Need to Be Disoriented and Dangerous
Boss: We need to be the blind kids with the M16s playing soccer.
Suit: [Silence.]
Boss: You understand what I'm saying?
64th Street
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
11AM "The Crow Flies at Midnight"
Boss: Let's be clear about this... Actually, no, let's be unclear.
10900 Martin Luther King Drive
Cleveland, Ohio
9AM The Game's Decided -- They're Just Running Out the Clock
Election board office manager: I don't know if you're aware, but every election you need to contact all the local funeral homes about absentee voting.
Worker: Ummm, funeral homes? Don't you mean nursing homes?
Election board office manager: Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: Xanadu
9AM All New Uses for Those Beams of Light from Their Chests
Boss to another: Do not look up Care Bear porn!
1440 South Clearview Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
5PM Phew! I Haven't Either
Manager going to lunch with friend: Did you leave yet?!
Friend: Um, no.
360 Huntington Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
11AM I Looked Forward to Coming to Work
Supervisor: It's too bad our schedules are getting so full. It used to be that whenever someone needed to get off, someone else could put out for them.
666 Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: The happy new guy in the office
12PM Why Are You Looking at Me Like That?
Male boss to female employee: The best way to learn is on your knees. That way they don't fall as far if you drop them.
Orlando, Florida
4PM Full of Empty Pizza Boxes
Manager: Everybody who was smoking pot in here last night is fired! ... Okay, looks like I have a vacant building.
Schenectady, New York
Overheard by: fired
10AM Sometimes Only Interpretive Dance Will Do
Manager: How do you tell the client that they're an idiot? What's the wording I should use for that?
1 South Road
Harrison, Ohio
1PM How Did You Get Both Feet into One Sock?
Boss: You know those people from Saudi Arabia?
Assistant: Yes.
Boss: Are they Iranians?
Franklin Avenue
New York, New York
11AM If You Need Further Guidance, I'll Be in My Office
Manager: We should prepare drawings for the real building instead of the fake building.
Midtown
New York, New York
Overheard by: Drewster
11AM Another Graduate of the Chico Marx MBA Program
Manager: ... So let him know that he has 60 cards here, and he'll be charged for all 60. If he doesn't want all 60 -- say he only wants 50 -- then take five away and bring those back.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Alexis
3PM There's a Big Switch at Al Gore's House
Boss: Wait, is the internet on?
Bethesda, Maryland
5PM Or Time Management. Whatever.
Office manager: I'm going to Google time travel!
Winnipeg, Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: The Office Bitch
11AM The Bridges of Heisenberg County
Boss: Well, we'll come to that bridge when we cross it.
Assistant: I would certainly hope so.
Boss: What?
Assistant: Nothing.
Kansas
9AM Mengele's Genetic Experiments Finally Bear Fruit
Engineer: Is your boss in? We have a problem -- we have a little Aryan friend up on the second floor.
QA tech: No, he's on vacation... Wait -- we have what?
Engineer: A little Aryan friend flying around on the second floor.
QA tech: ... Ohhh -- 'avian.'
Engineer: Yeah, what did I say?
Modesto, California
Overheard by: That's not my job.
10AM So: No Desk and a Series of 'Special Projects'
Female boss: Well, there's other ways to handle it.
Male boss: I know. It becomes, 'Why should I fire you when I can make your job miserable and make you quit?'
55th Street and 3rd Avenue
New York, New York
3PM So I Can Relate to You Guys Who Know Nothing
Information technology director to management team: You know me - I'm not real technological.
125 S Congress Street
Jackson, Mississippi
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
3PM No Responsibility Is So Slight That It Can't Be Abused
Manager: Just because I'm a manager they are treating me like I can't be a customer! I wanted to put something on hold and they said, 'No, that's for customers.' I have a key to this bitch! I'll be all up in here ringing that shit up myself.
Valley Stream, New York
Overheard by: J-Face
3PM The Kind God Hates
Boss: Wait, what's 'fornication'? I don't know that word. Is it like fighting?
Coworker: Uh, no. It's like sex.
Roselle, Illinois
Overheard by: my vocabulary is better than yours
12PM You Mean Its Public Face or Its Seamy Underbelly?
Coworker: There is a really neat installation art center in Omaha.
Boss: What city in Omaha?
Coworker: Uh... Omaha.
Boss: Right, but what city?
Coworker: [Long pause] Hard to say.
Woodhaven, New York
2PM You Need to Do Both Sessions. Twice.
Manager #1: So, what do we do if any of our employees don't show up for the mandatory Ethics Training?
VP: You direct them to the supplemental Ethics Training, online.
Manager #2: Couldn't we just write their names in on the sign-in sheet and say that they were at the ethics thing?
Melville, New York
10AM I Want to Know Why I Called You
Manager: Excuse me, sir, do you have me on speakerphone?
Guy: No, you have me on speakerphone!
Manager: Oh, look at that. Sorry, this is a bad connection -- are you on a cell phone?
Guy: Yes, you called my cell phone.
Manager: Oh, right. Do you have a desk phone I can call?
Guy: No, you called my cell because I am not in the office. Now, what do you want?!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Is He Serious?
9AM So We'll Know Who to Replace You With
Office manager: I mean, when we interview warehouse employees, why are we asking them if they have Excel experience?
Warehouse supervisor: What the hell is 'Excel'?
England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM They Come in Handy in Many Other Situations, Though
Boss commencing presentation with safety information: In case of fire, there are two exits to my rear.
411 Keeler Avenue
Bartlesville, Oklahoma
3PM This'll Be the Worst Staff Meeting Ever
Manager: I purposefully wore pants with strategically large pockets for the cowbell, but it still got stuck.
72 Marietta Street
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: deep pockets
12PM I Said, 'F-U'! And How Do You Spell His Name?
Data architect manager: And the new tables -- who's taking care of that?
DBA: Danny Phu*.
Data architect manager, making a note: Danny... F-U?
DBA: Excuse me?
1555 Lundy Parkway
Dearborn, Michigan
9AM Sure, Get Me a Crowbar
Graphics guy: What format are these files?
Boss: They're from the guy next door.
Graphics guy: Okay, but what kind of files are these supposed to be? There's no extensions so I can't open them in anything unless I rename them all and just guess the extension until I get it right.
Boss: Can you open them and check?
2245 Royal Windsor Drive
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Bob
5PM Unless We Get Volunteers
Manager: We are not going to use anyone as an escaped goat.
Columbia Mall
Grand Forks, North Dakota
2PM The CIA Has Been Making That Mistake for Years
Boss: So just use a black highlighter to mark---
Assistant: Black highlighter?
Boss: I meant 'Sharpie.' Yes, don't ever get the two mixed up.
Herndon, Virginia
10AM Look, Next Time You Die, Just Handcuff Yourself to God
Manager: There's a sucker born every minute, and I keep getting born!
55 Railroad Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut
Overheard by: CV
9AM Plausible Deniability
Attorney: I need a [investi]gator for a hand job.
Staff: Ha, ha! You mean a 'hand delivery'?
South Jefferson Avenue
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Left Lobe
11AM They're Still Working Out the Details at Homeland Security
Jeff*: Liz*, can you come here?
Liz: Are you going to fire me?
Jeff: I can't -- you're my supervisor.
Liz: What? No, I'm not. You're my supervisor.
Jeff: ...But if I'm your supervisor, and you're my supervisor, which one of us is really in charge?
Liz: That depends... If it's you, are you going to fire me?
Jeff: No.
Liz: Then it's you.
Jeff: Awesome.
6105 Oakleaf Avenue
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
11AM Somebody's Been Playing with His Dictionary
Manager: Look at those reports to see if any of the spelling has whacked off.
13490 Bass Lake Road
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Trying to keep a straight face
10AM The Nexus of the Late '80s Savings and Loan Debacle
Bank teller supervisor: She started working there when she was 18, and now she's 46. Yeah, she's been there 36 years.
1813 E 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will66
4PM How about I Shoot You in the Temple and We'll See Which Way You Recoil
Boss: I want to put new labels on these binders. The labels must be capitalized and all face the same way. [Tilts head to the left, and then to the right] I am just not sure which way I want them to face. I don't know if I prefer to tilt my head to the left, [tilts head again to the left], or if I prefer tilting to the right.
Santa Cruz, California
11AM For Emily Five, Wherever I May Find Her
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: What?
Boss: Thank god for Emily Five!
Coworker: Huh?
Boss: You know -- the whole London terror plot thing.
Coworker: You mean, 'MI5'?
Boss: Whatever... Thank god they were there to make sure we're safe.
1400 16th Street
NW Washington, DC
Overheard by: Neena
4PM Just Singe the Page a Bit
Company president: I love the photo [of a blonde girl on the beach] you used on this brochure. It's perfect. But can you keep the same photo and just make her black instead?
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Office Peon
2PM He's Married to This Woman
Boss: Natasha*, is there something wrong?
Natasha: My friend just texted me saying that she's sitting next to Orlando Bloom.
Boss: Tell him he's fired if he doesn't get here in five minutes.
Employee #2: Boss, he's an actor.
Boss: I don't give a rat's ass what he aspires to be. I emailed everyone yesterday saying that this meeting was very important.
Natasha: Mr. Jones*, he's a Hollywood actor. He doesn't work---
Boss, very angry: ---I see. That's what he says, huh? He's fired then!
Employee #2: Seriously, Boss, he doesn't work here. He is just an actor who happened to sit next to Natasha's friend.
Boss: So how the fuck do you dare to interrupt my meeting with some bullshit talk on a psycho employee who thinks he's in Hollywood?!
270 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: working for an oblivious boss
10AM Your Verbal Warning Will Be Confirmed in Pudding
Boss to tardy employee: I'm going to write you up with a verbal warning.
Employee: ... Wait. What?
Boss: Don't be smart.
Burnet Road
Austin, Texas
10AM An Hour Later You'll Want to Watch the News Again
Art director: Is it wrong that I saw something on the news about a triple homicide in Koreatown, now I'm craving Chinese food?
Los Angeles, California
9AM No, the French Are What's Wrong with France
Employee #1: It's them damn environmentalists that make the gas prices so high.
Employee #2: Yeah, those morons won't let us drill for oil anywhere. They're what's wrong with this country.
Employee #1: Yeah, them and the French.
North 6th Street
Gainesville, Florida
Overheard by: Environmentalist
1PM They Should Have Known, Man!
Law student #1: I can't believe the parents in that case named their kid Adolph!
Law student #2: Uh... That case was from 1850...
Law student #1: So?
699 Exposition Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: TAJ
2PM That's Why You Shouldn't Mix Salty Foods with Carbonated Beverages
Marketing manager: Uh-oh. I just totally blogged.
4th Avenue and Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: embarrassed for you
3PM They're Trading Asian Men
Asian coworker: What are you doing?
Caucasian coworker: Assembling the trade booth so we all know how to do it.
Asian coworker: Trade booth?
Caucasian coworker: For conventions, we set this up so people know who we are.
Asian coworker: What are you trading? Can I trade?
Caucasian coworker: Nevermind! Go back to your desk!
Rochelle Park, New Jersey
3PM Ummm, What Were We Talking About?
Manager: How could you let this happen?
Clerk: I forgot.
Manager: You forgot? How could you forget? It's so hard to forget! It's easy to remember and hard to forget! Remember that! Haven't you ever forgotten something and you tried to remember it? That's how easy it is to remember!
1618 Main St.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Ydnas
3PM But it Just Plays it on TV
Associate director, eating a hamburger: This is really good.
Executive director: Yeah, isn't it? It's their Angus burger. It's like real meat.
Southern Oregon
Overheard by: research associate
11AM In the UN Intramural League, we're Just 'Dem Bums'
Engineer to lunchroom: So do you guys know if we're officially called 'United States of America' or is it just 'United States'?
413 Pine St
Seattle, Washington
10AM What Can I say, it Gets his Wife hot
Coworker on phone: You'd be an amazing human being if you brought me some nibbles on your way here. If not, then you're clearly the mongoloid I always suspected you to be.
401 West Clarendon Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
9AM After Emptying the Register, the Robbers Attempted to Unsuccessfully Masquerade as Employees
Employee: Can I help you?
Customer: Hi. Yes, may I have a turkey artichoke panini?
Employee: No.
Customer: No?
Employee: No. We don't have those.
Customer: But it's right there on your board. Do you mean you ran out of them today?
Employee: Yeah, that's what I said. Order the other turkey sandwich, it's exactly the same.
Customer: Actually I think I'll just have a salad.
Employee: I'll be right back. [Goes in back room.]
Employee: Did you hear what I just said back there?
Customer: Ummm... No.
Employee: Good. I mean, cause it wasn't about you.
Customer: Ok...
Panera Bread Co.
Tysons Corner, Virginia
5PM That Reminds me, I have to go let Mom out of the Stocks
Hick coworker #1: There was nuthin' wrong with slavery. My family had slaves. They was like family.
Hick coworker #2: I know, I agree. My family's slaves didn't leave after emaciation because they were happy. We treated them like family.
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Happy I moved to a blue state
3PM Ummm... It Shows Respect to the President
Manager: My new BM is awesome!
Subordinate: You mean BMW; the W is important.
Manager: Why?
Raynham, Massachusetts
3PM Boss Rule #2: Anything I Don't Know How to Do Must Be Easy
Boss: I don't see it as a big thing, I see it as a thing.
Woodbury, Minnesota
Overheard by: I can't believe I report to this guy
3PM Do You Think You'll Be Happy Working for a Non-Prophet Organization?
Boss: So you're Muslim, right?
New employee: Yup.
Boss: So you're from the country of Islam?
New employee: No. Not quite.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: feel sorry for her...
12PM From the Runaway Best Seller 'Affirmations for Stupid People'
Manager, to himself: I am a ball of fire. I am a BALL OF FIRE.
Far reaches of Eugene, Oregon
11AM Of Course Because I Didn't Solicit It, He May Never Provide It
Manager: Sounds good. I asked Roger* for his unsolicited feedback on this, so that will be helpful.
42 South Street
Hopkinton, Massachusetts
3PM Eventually, Sure
Manager #1: So did you have a nice birthday party?
Manager #2: Not yet. My older brother's birthday is two weeks after mine, so we always just have one big party that weekend.
Manager #1: Oh, wait, wouldn't that make you the older brother?
Panera, 3043 Glendale Avenue
Toledo, Ohio
11AM When Yuppies Claim Workman's Comp
Manager, preparing staff party: Oh my God, look! I cut so much cheese I got a blister!
City Centre Building
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: evil twin
9AM Which Was Named After the McDonald's Clown and That Suicide Girl
Employee #1: So how do we go about naming our aircraft?
Employee #2: Well, the Reserve has a plane named The Spirit of Ronald Reagan.
Employee #1: Who is that named after?
Boss: It's named after the airport, I think.
The Pentagon
Arlington, Virginia
5PM Sure, Emperor -- Sure
Boss: Just because I don't wear my clothes to work doesn't mean I don't have them.
55 Elk Street
Albany, New York
Overheard by: clothed employee
10AM For Murphy, It's Skywriters or Nothing
Suit: It's been a big thing. I've sent a bunch of emails about it.
Boss: Yeah, I've ignored them. Sorry.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: It's not my project
4PM He Means He Wants the Final Text Written on Papyrus
Boss: I don't need to see everything before it goes out the door. Just send me a final, final, rough draft.
Union Square
New York, New York
12PM They're Just Mad About the Whole 'Canadia' Thing
CEO: I read a study that said that 50% of Canadians disapprove of Americans.
Employee: Yeah, I guess they just don't agree with many of the US's recent actions.
CEO: No, it's because they're jealous of Americans.
Employee: Err, that's perhaps a somewhat US-centric view...
CEO: I've been to Canada. I've seen it firsthand. They are very jealous of us.
Employee: Actually, now that you mention it, I'm surprised it was only 50%.
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: poj
11AM You Have to Keep One Eye on Them at All Times
Supervisor surfing the net for "news": Look! A cyclops baby was born in India! This is what happens when I don't keep up with current events.
666 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
11AM Working in the Magic 8-Ball Factory
Executive: Is it okay if I take the intern with me to the meeting tomorrow?
Assistant: Sure.
Executive: Are you the person I ask about that?
Assistant: No.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Not the person either
4PM Which Is the Legal Definition of 'Best Lawyer'
Boss man: We need a lawyer to handle this. If it were 5 years ago, I'd call my brother. He was the one of the best lawyers in the country, but he can't help me anymore because he's been disbarred.
Midtown
New York, New York
10AM Oh! If I'd Known, I Would've Brought My Brain.
VP: Hi! Nice to see you. I hope we'll be meeting soon!
Ad agency rep: Yes, like right now? Since that's why we're here.
Central Park South
New York, New York
5PM Because God Know Mine Am Bad
Manager: We're hiring another producer in Quebec. And one thing that I think we all agree on is that his English has to be very, very well.
180 Varick Street
New York, New York
9AM Where Do You Think I'm Calling You From?
Boss on speaker phone: So I need you to give me those files, like, in five minutes.
Employee: Um.
Boss: I'm serious. I want them in my hand in five minutes.
Employee: You know that I work at home, right?
Boss: So?
Employee: So I live forty-five minutes away from your so-called "office"...Speaking of which, did you ever get that toilet out of the hallway?
3207 Hayloft Court
Frederick, Maryland
Overheard by: Ren
10AM He's Still Using a Sundial
Boss: Call England and find out what time it is.
Assistant: Call who in England? England is 5 hours ahead of us, so it's 4:17 there.
Boss: Can you please listen to what I have to say and just call England? I need to be sure.
Assistant, two minutes later: I called England, and it's 4:19.
Boss: See, it pays to double check. You were 2 minutes off.
1345 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York
12PM Stephen's Retroactive Skill With Metaphors Did Not Go Unnoticed in His Quarterly Review
VP: Yeah, and if we go over there, we could get all our stuff back. We have a whole bunch of equipment in China stuck in escargot.
Director: Um...You mean escrow?
VP: What did I say? Escargot? Well that works, too, since it's so slow in getting back to us.
Director: Sure it does.
45th Street and 9th Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: melissa
9AM Just Another Typical Day Here at the Department of Redundancy Department
Manager: What was the soup de jour of the day today?
Sterling Forest Road
Sterling Forest, New York
Overheard by: Mark D.
3PM Remind Me Again Why You're in Charge?
Employee #1: Do we have any Band-Aids in the back?
Manager, after long pause: Uh...I don't think so.
Employee #2: Oh, Susan* said we did. I need one.
Manager: Um...I'm pretty sure we don't, but I'll look.
After disappearing in the back for 5 minutes, manager comes back out to the register.
Employee #1: So there were none back there?
Manager: Nope.
Employee #2: I'm sure there are some. Not even in the first aid kit?
Manager, after another long pause: Oooh! Band-Aids! I thought you said, "Mayonnaise"!
Victoria's Secret
New Mexico
9AM Hey, That Loaf of Rye Was Totally Coming on to Me!
Boss: That's what I hate about these people who take the Bible literally: it's so pick and choose! What about all the parts where you get stoned for looking at bread the wrong way?
Print shop
Sunset Park, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: milu
3PM After Delegating His Memory to Abby, Frank Experienced Difficulty With Remote Access
Boss, on phone: Abby*, it's Frank*. I'm at the British Library, and there's a man looking at me.
Abby, on other end of phone: ...Yes?
Boss: Who is it?
British Library, 96 Euston Road
London, England
Overheard by: hapless
5PM Sometimes on the Highway, He Just Lets Go of the Wheel
Boss: I'm just going to stop taking notes and just use yours after the meeting, because I have no idea what's going on.
545 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
3PM So We'll Do It Correctly, But It Will Be Morally Suspect
Boss: We won't do it wrong. We'll just do it a different way that won't be right.
Anchorage, Alaska
Overheard by: Mark
5PM The Kind Amerigo Vespucci Used to Make
Boss: Mmmm! This pizza's good.
Employee: Oh, yeah. This deep dish one is great.
Boss: Oh, yeah. I saw that one, but it looked too weird to try.
Employee: Yeah, it's Chicago style.
Boss: Oh, that's why. I like just good old American-style pizza.
Frost Bank Building
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: dizzle
4PM Why IT Dude Is Regularly Beaten Up
Deputy: There was a wreck this weekend where a guy hit a tree at 60 miles per hour. Ripped off the right side of his head. You could actually see inside his skull. We never could find his brain, though.
Project manager: Did it kill him?
IT dude: Nope, he is walking around, managing projects.
US Highway 69/75
Oklahoma
Overheard by: Firewall
3PM First Break the Employee's Legs, Then Criticize the Way He Walks
GM: How were you days off?
Supervisor: Pretty good. Did some hiking.
GM: How was the conference?
Supervisor: What conference?
GM: I e-mailed you Wednesday about the loss prevention meeting on Thursday morning. I know it was short notice.
Supervisor: Thursday was my day off. Wednesday was my day off. I wasn't here to check my e-mails.
GM: So you didn't go to the mandatory meeting?
Supervisor: Um.
GM: You have to check your e-mail every day. No excuses.
Supervisor: I wasn't here to check my e-mail.
GM: No excuses.
687 12th Street
Gresham, Oregon
Overheard by: I love 50 e-mails a day
3PM Just Scan in His Photo and Use Face-Recognition Google
Boss: I went to school with this guy...I don't remember his name, but he just became the president of some real estate development company in DC. Can you look him up on the internet? I'd like to send him a note.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: office minion
12PM How Does Me Killing You and Assuming Your Identity Sound?
Boss: I found this [correspondence dated a week ago] in my inbox, waiting for my signature. It was Bill Smith's* estate tax return! Why didn't you tell me to check my inbox?? There's all kinds of stuff in there that hasn't gone out. You have to come up with a way for me to check my inbox more regularly so things like this don't happen again!
Secretary: Um, ok? Do you want me to set Outlook reminders that you'll ignore, or would you like to ignore me personally?
900 East Hill Avenue
Knoxville, Tennessee
Overheard by: She's Not Psychic
12PM One Starbucks Holds a Hundred Wongs and One White
Manager: Ok, I don't mean to sound weird, but...
Receptionist #1: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Manager: I was at Starbucks on the 4th of July, and...it was all Asians! It was an Asian invasion! They were everywhere! I was going to ask if they were having a family reunion. Then someone else walked in the door, and [my 14-year-old daughter] nudged me, and it was another Asian! I've told [my daughter], "Ok, you can marry a Muslim! A black! A Jew! Just don't bring home an Asian!" They travel in packs and take pictures! And they are the worst drivers! Any time you see a bad driver swerving, weaving in and out of lanes? Asian! But, I mean, my tennis partner is Asian, so...
Receptionist #1: Becky*, you're a racist!
Manager: I'm not a racist...just to Asians!
An Asian client walks in.
Receptionist #2: Hi, Mr. Wong*!
4020 NE 55th Street
Seattle, Washington
11AM Weren't You On The Electric Company?
Supervisor: I'm like the voice of truth. I'm the Superman of words.
8141 Riverside Avenue, Suite 7
Riverside, California
Overheard by: sylvie
5PM Now It's a Lot Easier to Sit Down
Boss: I took the hooker out.
3520 Lancaster Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dtell
9AM It Clearly Works Differently For Managers
Manager: So you're saying that evolution works different for hobos? Okay, so as hobos get further away from the equator they become more evolved.
15 LC
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: TheChris
5PM At Least He Could Say the Lipo Scars Are From Iraq
Boss: I would love to be the male equivalent of Tara Reid.
98 San Jacinto Boulevard
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: amused
12PM Then Fill Out Two Copies of the Freudian Slip
Frustrated manager: So just take that and put it in the bitch! I mean, bin. Put it in the bin.
University Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: Hired to do Bitch-Work
2PM 'If It's Wednesday, Peel My Sunburn'?
Supervisor: Can you print me out a label that says "If it's Tuesday, oil me"?
545 North 15th Street
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: KJean
4PM Tough Sell
Manager: If we are going to appeal to the youth market, we are going to have to euthanize our marketing materials.
Associate: That means to kill people.
Manager: Whatever.
350 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
12PM Lunch
Coworker: Who won the World Cup game?
Supervisor: Ghana beat the U.S.
Coworker: Aw, I wanted the U.S. to win!
Supervisor: Why? The U.S. wins everything. That's why we have the Olympics.
1145 East 4th Street
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
11AM Crystal Ball
Boss on phone with IT: How do I see my future emails?
1246 Princeton Street
Akron, Ohio