Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Dumb Bosses All Categories > People > Bosses > Dumb Bosses
Recent | Best Of
1PM It's Hard to Be Kind to the Example-Challenged
Assistant branch manager: Have you ever watched that show called Bizarre Foods?
Employee: No. What is it about?
Assistant branch manager: Well, it's this show called Bizarre Foods, and they have the most bizarrest foods!
Employee: ... Hence the name!
Northwest Parkway
Georgia
10AM Your Sausages Bite?
Asian boss on phone: Where are you at right now? Oh, Miami?! I hate the mosquitoes there! They bite me like a sausage!
11020 Rush Street
Los Angeles, California
10AM The Air Down There?
Boss: I would totally be in a movie about farting!
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
11AM Everybody Knows It's "I-N-N-E-R-N-E-T"
Employee #1, looking at intranet option of business transactions menu: Hey, look! Heh. These morons spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Employee #2: No, they didn't.
Employee #1: Yes, they did. See?
Employee #2: No, an intranet is different than the Internet. It's sort of like a private version of the Internet for corporations and organizations.
Employee #1: Oh, seriously? Damn, look at you, making me feel all stupid and shit. I've never heard of that before in my life. I bet you're the only one here who knows that. Look, I'll prove it to you. [Calls boss over.] Look, they spelled 'Internet' wrong on this menu.
Boss: Oh, I know! Isn't it funny? Yeah, those morons at corporate can't spell!
Hackensack, New Jersey
1PM God, I Love Doing That to Her
Manager: So, we should totally take a consensuous on that with the entire team.
Employee: Consensus.
Manager: What?
Employee: Consensus.
Manager, laughing: I should totally carry around a thesaurius with me! [Employee walks away.]
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: BeeMonstre
10AM When the Boss Is Happy, We Can All Relax
Boss, quietly singing: I'm a chubby little monkey, monkey, monkey -- I'm a chubby little monkey...
Harris Street
Pyrmont
Australia
Overheard by: i am too!
3PM The Year the Death Camps Came to Western Pennsylvania
Owner, to worker bee: I was told it was a good idea, so I thought it was a good idea.
Music store
Western Pennsylvania
Overheard by: tyronepower
1PM Which Is Why I Had You Read That Book on Smoke Signals
Coworker: Here's the information you wanted.
Boss: I don't want paper -- it'll get lost on my desk.
Coworker: Do you want me to e-mail them to you?
Boss: No! It'll get lost in my inbox.
Coworker: So to get this straight, you don't want the info on paper or e-mail?
Washington
3PM I'm Going to Appeal
Boss: I'm on the banana.
Library
Virginia
12PM You're Too Hard on Yourself, Marcia
Shop foreman: I wish I was a woman so I could be pretty.
I-40 East
Amarillo, Texas
Overheard by: Jocelyn
2PM And We're Getting the Most Peculiar E-mails
Boss: I don't know when we became such a mecca for church groups.
1975 Vineville Avenue
Macon, Georgia
1PM You Call Your Mom by Her First Name?
Voice mail, on speakerphone: Hi, you've reached the voice mail of Linda Stevens*. I am away from...
Manager: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...
Voice mail: [Beeps.]
Manager: Linda! Will you give me a call when you get a chance? Thanks!
175 5th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM ... In Kangaroo Court
Lawyer: Does it smell in here?
Secretary: Yeah, it smells like bacon.
Lawyer: It smells like the kind of bacon grasshoppers eat.
Bridgewater, New Jersey
12PM I Was Doing a Little Recreational Bleeding into My Brain
Creative director: I'm trying not to push myself today. I kind of had a spinal tap at three A.M.
29th Street
New York, New York
1PM Fortune Cookies Are Getting More and More Gay-Positive
Queer boss to new female employee: Don't waste your time being a man who has sex with women.
Boston, Massachusetts
10AM If We Keep Talking in Circles, the Truth Will Throw Up
CR manager: The membership grade is effective for a year from the grad date that they told us, but I don't think they'll remember the grad date they said... But it's not actually a year...
Ad manager: But it's good for a year. Doesn't it update automatically?
CR manager: It is automatic, except when it isn't. It only gets updated once a year, so it may be good for over a year.
Ad manager: So we can't say a year if it isn't a year.
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: all ears
2PM How Often Is That Necessary?
Boss: Me and my wife would drive a hundred miles for a jar of good pickles!
10749 West 84th Terrace
Lenexa, Kansas
Overheard by: PeaveyMan
9AM Now, Would You Stop Bench-Pressing Me?
Supervisor to file clerk: You know, I really don't see you in the corporate workplace at all... I see you somewhere doing something violent like the American Gladiators or something.
101 South 5th Street
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Candice
3PM Nice Guys Finish Last, in Every Way
Boss: I'm going to get wrinkles from making the sympathy face.
101 Avenue A
Conroe, Texas
5PM Her Office Is Decorated in a SpongeBob Theme
Hiring manager: I think I need to go have some fun.
Training manager: If you want to have a good time, you need to come into my office! ... If you want to have some fun... [Face turns red and she walks into her office.]
2835 Decker Lake Boulevard
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Cubicle spud
1PM Jersey? You Bastards!
Corporate boss on phone: Do you know where I am? Do you know where I am? I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... Roosevelt-fucking-Island! In a fucking trailer! This is my life, okay? I was nauseous this morning 'cause I'm a schmuck. I'm on Roosevelt-fucking-Island... So tell me, does it get any worse?
Roosevelt Island, New York
Overheard by: Officetemp
11AM A Cover Charge Keeps Out the Riffraff
Company owner: I don't shove anything up my ass unless it costs at least 50 dollars.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
2PM I'm Also a Little Vague on What We Do Here
Boss to assistant: Well, I don't remember what all I had, um, asked you to do before I went on vacation, but did you, like, um, do it?
Non-profit agency
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: steeleskillz
9AM Not the Kind of Market Penetration We Want
Communications manager: Conclusion is, don't eat your sex toys!
Sex toy factory
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: TinkMom
5PM But That Gerbil Was the Best Darned Chimney Sweep I'd Ever Seen
Male boss: It was uncomfortable how far up there she was.
Ellicott City, Maryland
2PM I'm Up for Finding Out
Boss to statistician entering the room: We were just wondering if it was even possible to be overlay-ed?
Arnett Avenue
Lambertville, New Jersey
Overheard by: Overjoyed
1PM Instead We'll Have a Class on "Constructive Disagreement"
Male boss, after female employee leaves room after argument: Now I know why men beat their wives.
465 Democrat Road
Memphis, Tennessee
3PM On the Plus Side, Absenteeism Is Way Down
Boss: The body bags take up a lot of room.
West 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: P
9AM Guess We Could Tell Her Who's Dead, but What Fun Is That?
Female coworker #1, sobbing in bathroom: I can't believe he's dead!
Female coworker #2: Neither can I!
Female coworker #3: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Senior female partner, entering bathroom: Having a bad day? [Coworkers #2 and #3 nod.] You know what works for me?
Female coworker #3: Oh... Yes? What would that be?
Senior female partner: I put one hand over my heart, and the other hand over my stomach. I breathe in deeply. I then say to myself, 'I'm here. I'm right here, right now.' It works every time! I feel better straight away! [Long silence, then] Okay, well, [waves goodbye and leaves].
Female coworker #3: Wow. You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Collins Street
Melbourne
Australia
3PM We'll Be Married 10 Years This April
Supervisor: I hate Jane Murray* with such glee, my hate for her actually brings me joy.
Manahawkin, New Jersey
2PM Features the Newest Letters and Numbers
Boss looking at her new laptop: There are too many keys.
Bank
New York
Overheard by: Tjay
2PM Customer: Wouldya Look at This Bullshit?
Assistant manager, about e-mail to customer: Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!
11150 Santa Monica Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM The Privilege of Rank
Boss: The thought of it makes me want to throw up, so I thought I'd give it to you.
Wausau, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Gee, Thanks
12PM No Wonder the Pages Get Upset with Us
Boss: G-mail chat is like the grown-up, mature version of AIM, even though we still talk about pee-pee and poo-poo.
2 Massachusetts Avenue
Washington, DC
10AM We Will Now Commence with the Floggings
Manager: Okay, creatives, since [creative director] is away this week, I've decided to make you comfortable: Motherfucker, cunt, snatch, bitch, motherfucker!
Adelaide Street
West Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: just passing through
11AM Now He's a Christian -- and Not in the Good Way
Boss: Yeah, he was into doing drugs -- and not in the good way.
San Francisco, California
9AM The Judge Now Talks through a Hand Puppet
Attorney to secretary: You should be excited! There are no penises this time!
Courthouse
Norristown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Walking In At The Wrong Time
12PM Only If It's Rubbed with Truffles
Mid-level manager: I didn't know ham could smell fear.
Highland Hills, Ohio
11AM Ma'am This Is the New South
Old white lady: Excuse me, where do you keep your knickers?
White supervisor, nervously: What? I don't have any...
Clothing store
Ocala, Florida
10AM Are We Done Yet?
Boss: Do you have five minutes so I can talk to you for a sec?
Orlando, Florida
9AM And You're Positively Glowing with Health!
Employee: I really like the new floor tiles you picked for the office!
Boss: Good thing, too. These old tiles were put in in the 1950s, and I just found out they were made with cobalt.
Employee: Ah.
Boss: Yeah, they're actually radioactive.
Employee: Huh?
Boss: A Geiger counter would totally pick up on the radiation in here!
Employee: Ummm...
Boss: But it's not really a problem -- it would take decades of exposure to effect you, really.
Employee: I've been here 18 years.
Music agency
Vienna
Austria
2PM Whether You Live There or Not!
Boss: You shouldn't throw glass stones at a house!
155 North Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
10AM I Promise Not to Hold Your Hand to the Waffle-Iron Again
Manager to petrified new waitress: Relax, dammit! I said to relax!
8511 Lilley Road
Canton, Michigan
Overheard by: Megan
4PM I-W-I-S-H-I-C-O-U-L-D-F-I-R-E-Y-O-U
Boss: Hey, how do you spell 'Japanese'? [Peon spells it.] Hmmm, do you think she was Japanese? How do you spell 'Chinese'? [Peon spells it.] I don't know if she was Chinese, though... Here's what we'll do -- [begins typing letter] 'The child speaks Asian...' Wait, how do you spell 'Asian'?
1000 West Central Road
Mount Prospect, Illinois
Overheard by: I work here?
3PM Love the Orange Lipstick, Though
Blonde manager: These hooker shoes are killing my feet.
Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
2PM ... He Brings a Different Wife to Every Office Party
Boss: I'm not saying he's a polygamist, but...
29th Street
Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: mfk
11AM Mrs. Clinton Takes Care to Maintain Her Authority
Boss, yelling in gruff voice: Mine's bigger!
55 Water Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Mickey the Intern
10AM But That Has Nothing to Do with Curious George
Boss: Have you ever heard of a book with a swastika on the cover that didn't sell?
555 8th Avenue
New York, New York
5PM Now Eat My Hot Canadian Bacon! Eat It!
Boss to customer: Would you like to try my meat? It tastes just like maple! Ask anyone -- they all tried it!
Lee, New Hampshire
5PM Damn Zombies Have Eaten the Quarterly Profits
Boss: Is there anyone with a brain out there?
10th Avenue
New York, New York
4PM I'm Sorry, but Your Priorities Are Way Off
Boss: So, if there is a fire, you go after the hard drives first?
Fireman, dumbfounded: Uhhh... Well... We would go for life preservation first -- of whoever's in the building...
Boss: Oh, and then you go after the computers and stuff?
Fireman: ... After that we try to contain the fire...
Graphic design office
Huntington Beach, California
2PM So We Can Afford to Tell the Truth
Boss: The nice thing is, we're no longer people who care!
202 West 1st Street
Los Angeles, California