4PM Tomorrow I'm Going to Experiment with Stabbing and Bludgeoning

Boss: They're all pissed off cuz I yelled at them. I don't know why I yelled at them. It just felt good.

Washington, DC

3PM Sounds Like the Best Diet Ever.

Boss: I'm jealous, I wish I had a colon infection.

Falls Church, Virginia

4PM And Save Some For Me

Boss who never listens: I need you to pick up the trash in the parking lot before the bank comes today.
Worker: Pork chop sandwiches!
Boss who never listens: Okay, great, let me know when you are done.

Lakewood, Washington

1PM Just Try Not to Make Convulsive Gulping Noises

Boss: I don't want to drink by myself.
Employee: You won't be. You'll be on a conference call.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Mark W.

11AM Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Recommend Me!

Shift supervisor: What are you doing?
Intense coworker: Working on my sparkle.
Shift supervisor: Your what?
Intense coworker: Once I sparkle, all the girls will want me! (turns to female coworker) C'mon, do I dazzle you?

Wellington
New Zealand

Overheard by: Still Not Dazzled

10AM The Original Premise Of Mannequin Was Much More Interesting Than the Final Product

Senior partner, leaving office: So don't worry, I'll have those figures for you tomorrow.
(elevator doors shut)
Senior partner, to assistant: But anyway, he picked up the mannequin and started biting the fingers off it.
Assistant: No! What did Jenny say?
Senior partner: She was in the bath the whole time! She didn't see a thing!
Assistant: Oh my god! Was that before she came out and found the Puerto Rican guy on the beanbag?
Senior partner: Yes! And by this time, my mother had already left, so Jenny and I just had to get everything of importance out of the lounge room and lock the doors.
Assistant: That's amazing!

Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Kate

2PM I Can Now Imagine Nothing Else

Coworker #1: I wasn't that drunk by that point. I mean, I was sober enough to realize that they were branding each other's asses with Christmas cookie cutters.
Boss: Sure...
Coworker #1: No, legit. Sticking the cookie cutters in the fire and branding each other's asses.
Coworker #2: Can you imagine shacking up with someone with an inverted Christmas pointing right to your pooper?

Hicksville, New York

Overheard by: Traumatized

3PM ...Larry.

Art director: If you're going to dress like a woman, act like a woman. Put the seat down.

Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: Lindsay

1PM On Command

Male employee: I heard you two talking about my project so I came.
Female boss: That's good, I like the way you come.

Bothell, Washington

12PM ...And Bring Me a Photo Of Zac Efron.

Female account manager: Kevin*, maybe you know this. I've been asking everyone and no one wants to tell me. What is a "pearl necklace?"
Kevin* (gay HR director): Oh, boy. Shut the door, please.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Juan Chung

2PM But I'll Have to Dock Your Pay for That Hospital Gown

Boss: It's about time! You're finally back, you know Kristen isn't here.
Employee wearing a heart monitor: Yeah, I know she's out sick.
Boss: Do you know how she's feeling? Will she be back tomorrow?
Employee wearing a heart monitor: No, but my doctor said I'm having heart problems.
Boss: Well, you look fine and you're here, so that's not a big deal.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

12PM I Hate It When It's Their Turn to Hide

Boss to secretary: Have you seen my pants? Check behind the door.

Los Osos, California

10AM The "Dog Ate My Homework" Of the Eastern World

Manager handing name tag to an employee: These are the old name tags. We ordered new ones, but the courier who was delivering them fell off the train and died.

Ramat Gan
Israel

Overheard by: ayala

4PM Much Like the Terminator

Manager: I will be gone after three.
Minion: Will you be back?
Manager: Yes, at various times throughout my career.

St. Louis, Missouri

1PM It Appears That You Require Additional Tissues, or Perhaps a Spatula

Boss: (blows nose)
Annoyingly nice coworker: Are you alright? Can I help you with anything?
Boss: Are you serious? I'm blowing my nose. How do you want to help?

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: lori

5PM Gumby Was Well-Liked at the Office

Boss, during PowerPoint presentation: We have a sales guy in Houston... Great guy! He'll bend over and do anything for you.

Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Michael Abraham

4PM People Respond to Modern Art in Extremely Varied Ways

District manager: That's like a yak swimming in the Atlantic!

Mission Viejo, California

Overheard by: Yak Overboard

2PM In Unrelated News, Can I Have Tomorrow Off?

Blonde coworker: But that's the problem with this country, people are lazy now, never put any thought or effort into anything. They're sloppy. Like, some guy passed a bank teller a "this is a holdup" note on the back of his damn pay stub from his job. I can't respect that kind of stupidity.
Manager: You know what? You would be a really good criminal. I mean that as a compliment.
Blonde coworker: I know, right? It's almost scary. I'd never get caught.

Chelmsford, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Not sure I want to sit by her anymore

10AM Inside Her Vagina?

Employee: Bridget's out on maternity leave again? That woman is fertile!
Boss: Yeah, I know where to come if I want to have more kids.

Bellevue, Washington

2PM Uncompensated Overtime Hath Its Privileges

Irritating female VP to younger male associate: Get the Jameson...and some whipped cream.

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Not again

9AM Speaking Of "Expanding at an Incredible Rate"! Ba Dum Bum!

Boss on phone: We really want to focus on your company in 2009. The alternative energy sector is expanding at an incredible rate, and I... (pause) Really? Rape?

Williamstown
Australia

Overheard by: Kate

1PM Despite Your Request to Be an Affirmative Action Hire

Hiring manager, after executives commented on physical appearance of new employee: I'm saving you all from litigation by not paying attention to any of you.
Executive one: No, you're not, "ugly" is not a protected class.

Marlborough, Massachusetts

12PM ...We Fired the Psychic During Budget Cuts

Finance manager: Every time an e-mail outage occurs I'm working on something, and I have to start over. I need you to let me know an hour or so ahead of time next time the system is going to crash.
IT guy: Ummmmm...

Auburn, Indiana

Overheard by: dru

3PM My Liver Was Getting Too Full Of Itself

Office manager to HR manager: Did you go to the gym yesterday?
HR manager: No.
Office manager: Why not?
HR manager: Because I went home to drink.

Langley
Canadia

4PM Teen Beat. Why?

Boss: Don't forget to include an STD with that mailing.
Temp: STD?
Boss: "Save The Date" card.
Temp: Oh! I thought you meant "Sexually Transmitted Disease."
Boss: What kind of magazines do you read, anyway?

Providence, Rhode Island

4PM Um, I'll Just Put You Down As "Undecided."

Boss: Are you homophobic?
Employee: I have an African American cousin! Of course I'm not homophobic!

Nashville, Tennessee

3PM We've Heard Cats

Boss from other room: The most expensive coffee in the world, and...
Database monkey, yelling: Is that the kind that's shat out by monkeys?
Boss: No, leopards!

Austin, Texas

11AM Best. Slot Machine. Ever.

Web developer boss: Aww, I didn't get a dildo this time. That's sad.

Mesa, Arizona

5PM A Phenomenon I Refer to As The Streisand Syndrome

Manager to humming receptionist: You have a nice voice.
Receptionist: Yeah?
Manager: Well, not when you talk.

Scotts Valley, California

Overheard by: Mari

1PM Sometimes It's Best to Say, "What the Fuck Are You Doing?"

Receptionist, as boss "innocently" puts hand down his pants to re-adjust: Are you out all next week? I have something for you...but I left it at home.

The Loop
Chicago, Illinois

3PM Like Gay Men Have to Do

Boss to pregnant employee: Yeah, but it's not like you're growing the baby in your ass!

Calgary
Canadia

10AM He Always Bores Me with Inane Stories About His Kids

Worker: So, what did the phone company says about the phone line?
Boss: I don't know. The robot pick up the phone! I hate talking to a robot, so I hung up.

Greenwich Village
Manhattan, New York

1PM It's So Sweet That You Believed Them

Young stylist: Well, most men don't understand there are different types of orgasms. Some can't get them from anything but oral.
Boss: Yeah, I have been that first guy for many girls.

Charlotte, North Carolina

12PM Though I Knew How to Walk in the Shoes Properly

COO: So my son, his sisters have started dressing him up in their clothes and their mother's high heels. I'll come home and he's clomping around in those shoes, and jewelry and a dress!
Openly gay office manager: That used to happen to me too!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

3PM Australian Business Customs: The Short Course

Female boss: Guys will be swapping body fluids more than anyone else!

Mitchelton
Brisbane
Australia

Overheard by: Beka

12PM ...Or We'll Think You Hate Freedom.

Office manager: Dude, you can't stick boobs on your drawers.

Canberra
Australia

10AM ...Now I'm Going to Have Some Special Needs for This Meeting...

Executive to director: What are you doing at five pm today?
Director: Whatever you need me to be doing.
Executive: I'm interviewing a young lady with Down's syndrome and I was hoping to have someone sit in with me to make sure I don't say anything retarded.
Director: (blank stare)
Executive: Oh. Yeah. Like that.

Kansas City, Missouri

9AM For the Last Time, Dalmatians Are Supposed to Have Black Spots

Male worker to supervisor complaining about noise: Oh, I'm sorry. Are we interrupting the interesting conversation about your cancer dog?

Norristown, Pennsylvania

5PM That's What You Said About Carrot Top

CFO, looking for chocolate: It looks like a goddess with flaming hair or an upside-down horse.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Natalie

5PM Mustang Owners Will Kill to Protect Their Babies

Boss: I need some old metal rims.
Office worker: Can I take some off of my neighbor's Mustang for you?
Boss: No, that's homicide.

Griswold, Connecticut

Overheard by: rememberwhatuheardwhenuwerentevenlistening

4PM Always Good to See Nation-Building Making Progress

American construction manager: The concrete cutter doesn't have hearing projection.
Afghan safety manager: If he does not make like this, I will fuck him!

Mazar e Sharif
Afghanistan

Overheard by: SafetyFirst

5PM ...and We Put Them in the Tacos

Store manager: These new shoes make me feel like I'm walking on dead babies. (pause) You know, before they hit rigor mortis.

Kitchener
Canadia

Overheard by: Drewerd

5PM I Hear He's Religious.

Boss: How do you spell "Matthew"?
Receptionist: Ask Matt, he might know.

Vancouver
Canadia

2PM Then He Changes His Shoes in Front Of Me, and It's Just Creepy

Project manager, reading e-mail from vendor: Hey, Travis*! What the fuck is this?
Travis*: Oh, yeah, that guy. He's like the fuckin' Mr Rogers of switchgear. Always with the "have a great day!"
Project manager: Hmm...
Travis*: And I'm all "you've got $140,000 in liquidated damages, so shut the fuck up, bitch, and get me my stuff!"

Fallon, Nevada

Overheard by: trippin on DayQuil

4PM And Be Grateful I Don't Ask You to Travel Back in Time

Officer: Immediately!
Intern: Like now, immediately?

San Diego, California

2PM I'd High-Five You, but First I Have to Vomit

HR director: You look like hell. I mean, seriously exhausted.
HR manager: Thanks. That makes me feel tons better. Let me try it--you look like you're coming off of a three-day bender!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

1PM And You Should See His Celebrity Impersonations

Female account manager: So I'm going to lunch with a guy that does female Viagra...
Female marketing director: What do you mean he does female Viagra?

Quiet Office, 5th Avenue
New York City, New York

Overheard by: i heard that!

12PM "There's No Room at the Inn, Bitcheeesss!"

National sales director, about company Christmas tree contest: Fuck needy people. This is about Christmas!

Bonner Springs, Kansas

11AM It's a Short Career for Most Of Them

Luddite sales manager: What's "SSL"?
Lead developer: "Secure Socket Layer." It's a...
Marketing manager, listening to iPod: Who's an insecure soccer player?

Software Company
Auckland
New Zealand

Overheard by: Kiwibloke

5PM Except She Didn't Carry a Tomahawk

Boss: My daughter used to have a friend when she was little. The kid's mom was from Sweden and the dad was from Slovenia, one of those countries in...where is it again?
Admin: Eastern Europe.
Boss: Exactly, one of those Indian countries.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: workingwithmorons

4PM On the Plus Side, Last Time I Did That, I Missed Most Of the 80's

Boss: Were you asleep?
Manager: No, I was just in the middle of a really long blink.

Kitchener
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Michele R.

10AM A Manhole Explosion Could Ruin the Holiday

Construction manager on phone: He said the manhole was okay as long as you stayed 6 inches away from it. (pause) Yeah. We're well over 6 inches. We're almost 8. (pause) Well, send me a nasty e-mail. (laughter) Just not too nasty, I don't want to feel bad before the Thanksgiving break!

Woodland, California

Overheard by: Wonderfully Amuzed

3PM Who Didn't Play That Game in High School?

Manager, about getting her nails done: I wanna get just the tip red, I see lots of girls with the tip.
Annoying coworker: Just the tip?
Coworker: Wanna play a game called "just the tip"? Just for a second, to see how it feels.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Can we go crash a wedding now?

2PM How Many Guests on The O'Reilly Factor Feel

Female coworker on phone with manager: Yes, I know it's an impossible request. (pause) I don't know, either he thinks he's freakin' Jesus or he thinks I am. Either way, I'm about to get a cheap, perverse thrill out of crushing his entire belief system.

Chelmsford, Massachusetts

Overheard by: I think I'm Santa

12PM That Hot Chick in Human Resources!

Boss: Does anyone have a stapler?
Peon: No, but we have hope!

Chicago, Illinois

11AM It Sounds Like a James Bond Temptress

Office supervisor: Could you please send our new price list to our office in Kuala Lumpur?
Receptionist: Is Kuala Lumpur a real place?
Office supervisor: Oh my god! (laughs, then leaves)
Receptionist, to other office colleagues: Why did he laugh at me?
Colleagues: You have got to be kidding!

Belmont
Western Australia
Australia

5PM Kinda Hip, Kinda Now, Kinda Happening

New project manager: Make it more...sciency.
Chemist: Sciency?
Project manager: You know, truthier.
Chemist: Did you have a stroke?
Project manager: This is just my project management style.

Mississauga
Ontario
Canadia

4PM If I'm Off by Even One Millimeter, We Might Experience Complete Proton Reversal

Boss: Tara, there is a big stack of Christmas cards on your chair. Please put stamps on each one and make sure they are exactly a quarter inch from both the side and the top of the envelope.
Tara, to coworker: Can you bring a ruler over here? I need to put stamps on the Christmas cards.

Old Town
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Glad I'm not the new girl

1PM And We Are Always Looking for Something New to Try at the Employee Picnic...

VP: There is a reason why advertisers do not target user-generated content. They do not want their ads being placed next to naked women. With casual gaming and chess videos, they know what they get. Unless you have nude chess games...and in that case, I need to learn how to play.

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Sabotage

10AM Seriously?

Boss, about job applicant: If he's really serious, I want you to push him hard to see if he's serious.

Bethesda, Maryland

1PM Look Over There and Follow Bob and Janet's Shining Example

Employee: I just pulled up my information on the system and had a question.
Manager: You can't pull up your own information, you can pull up Sophie's, but not your own.
Employee: Oh, I didn't do anything on my file, I was just playing.
Manager: You can play with each other, just not yourselves.

Calgary
Canadia

Overheard by: Matt Bangsund

12PM ...Just Charge the Penis Enlarger to My Corporate Account

Loud HR director on "confidential" call: At the risk of sounding unethical...

Charlotte, North Carolina

11AM Maybe He Has a Lead on Carmen Sandiego

Admin, screaming into phone: What do you want me to do? I can't do this now, I'm at work! (pause) Well, I can't deal with this now, I'm working! I don't know what to tell you! (pause) I don't have any damn money!! I spent all my money on that private investigator! (pause) I can't do this now, I'm at work!
Boss: Sarah, in my office now.
Admin: I have to go, my boss needs me.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Jeremy Hawn

10AM As I Explain in Painstaking Detail to All Of My Dates

IT director: You have to think of an org chart as a sort of hierarchy.

Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia

1PM To Be Fair, She Sounded a Little Nuts.

Receptionist to boss: I just got a call from Mrs Smith. She said she fell out of her boat and hurt her scrotum.
Boss: Her scrotum?
Receptionist: Yeah, something on her back.

Boston, Massachusetts

12PM Um, Actually...

Manager: So there was this one time I spent $600 on snack foods.
Clerk #1: What?
Manager: Yeah, my friend and I went to the grocery store and bought a ton of food, but we also decided to bring along his cat in a backpack, and then we let him out in the store because we figured he was old and wouldn't escape...but he did. We lost him in the store, and then we left.
Clerk #2: You just left the cat behind?!
Manager: There's no stopping the Frito Bandito.

Maine Mall
Portland, Maine

10AM Next I'll Be Attacking the Jews Like Mel Gibson

Manager, regarding cellphone contract: We did you, then we called back and did your wife. I'm sorry. We upgraded your wife. Wife 2.0, that's right. Please don't tell her I said that.

Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Meg

9AM Both Were Reluctant to Break the Long, Uncomfortable Silence That Followed

Designer: The ball is out of my court.
Creative director: Where's it at?
Designer: I don't know.

Elgin, Illinois

2PM Good One. Some Blood.

President #1, on teleconference: So that about wraps up what we discussed during the presidents' retreat. Did you have anything you wanted to add?
President #2 (after pause): Oh, I actually had you muted.
President #1: Okay, did you hear everything I said or do you need me to repeat anything?
President #2: Oh. Umm...no, I was going to the bathroom.

Baltimore, Maryland

10AM The Next Six Months Should Be Fun

Manager: Because your job can be done more efficiently and less expensively overseas, you are being laid off. However, your particular layoff will be delayed for five months because the work you do on your contract cannot be done overseas. Your projected end date will be 10/31.
Employee: Um, please repeat that, and think about it while you do so.
Manager (after repeating): Oh. Um, sorry.

Upstate New York

9AM Wait! We Didn't Even Tell You About the Smell.

Boss to peon eating lunch: So my daughter finally pooped today. It's been at least a few days.
Peon #1, trying to ignore him: Wow. Cool.
Boss: Yeah, it wasn't anything huge like the one a few days ago, but at least she's pooping.
Peon #2: That's great to hear. My poor daughter has been at home with explosive diarrhea all week.
Peon #1: (tosses barely eaten lunch in the garbage and wordlessly walks away)

Sacramento, California

11AM Just Teach Them About Nair and They'll Be Beautiful Ladies Once Again

Supervisor, discussing camps kids who are too old: They have mustaches!
Coordinator: It's not their fault they're hairy!

Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: a co-ordinator who knows better

2PM Like That Time in Amsterdam

Faculty director, holding out banana: Would you like a banana?
Female program coordinator: Uh, no thanks, I'm all set.
Faculty director, holding out flowers: Well, maybe you'd like these instead!
Female program coordinator: Oh! That's so nice of you! Aw, you're off my bad list.
Faculty director: Wow, and I thought I would get off with just the banana!

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Allison

1PM No Grand Opening Will Succeed Without Considerable Foreplay

Project manager on phone: You're right. That is what he wants. He wants a soft opening.

Austin, Texas

10AM But Enough About My Relationship with My Interns...

Cube dweller: I can't discipline my children, they don't listen to me.
Boss: Nothing better than spanking a wet, naked ass.

Peabody, Massachusetts

9AM :-O

Crotchety supervisor, holding up printed copy of e-mail: You two are computer nerds. What does this mean? (points at an emoticon)
Analyst #1: It's a smiley face.
Crotchety supervisor, turning the paper sideways: Oh, I see the colon is the eyes and...what the hell is wrong with you people? (crumples up e-mail and walks away)
Analyst #2: Have a nice day!

Oakland, New Jersey

Overheard by: >:(

4PM If You Think You Must

Adoptions manager to executive director: Can I talk to you while you're googling?

Gulfport, Mississippi

Overheard by: Foster Care Goddess

12PM He Sits Around All Day, Thinking These Up

Admin to office manager: Do you want to talk to Michelle with ABC company?
Office manager: No, just put her in my voice mail.
Admin, picking up call: Michelle, she's actually at a karate tournament right now. Can I put you in her voice mail?

Nashville, Tennessee

4PM ...You're Fired.

20-something blonde: It sure is cold out here today. I heard it will be one of the coldest days in the last 30 years.
Argumentative VP: No, it doesn't seem too cold today. I can usually tell when it's very cold because my glasses fog up.
20-something blonde: Ummmmmm...you're not wearing glasses.
Argumentative VP: Oh...that's a good point.

Beachwood, Ohio

Overheard by: The Cleveland Kid

4PM Hence the Old Expression "Hung Like a Texas Grandma"

Peon, to neighbor: At least I know how to spell it. I may not know how to spell totes, but I know how to spell that word.
Boss, interrupting: What do you know how to spell?
Peon: Vasectomy. V-a-s-e-c-t-o-m-y.
Boss: And in what context do you need to spell "vasectomy" in a work e-mail?
Peon: I just wanted to let you guys know what is going on with this dude, he's going to be on the phone a lot today.
Boss: Dude is getting a vasectomy?
Peon, pointing back and forth to her left and right boob: No, his grandma is.
Boss: Yeah, that's not a vasectomy.

Humble, Texas

2PM I Don't Think That's What "Micromanagement" Means, Sir

General manager to production supervisor: You really need to come by my house after work and smell my microwave.

Dade City, Florida

Overheard by: Skip

12PM Why Their Workplace Cancelled Shroom Happy Hour

Associate to IT guy: So, my touchscreen hasn't been working, so I hit it harder and now there's a crack in the screen.
IT guy: Your computer isn't touchscreen.

Schaumburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Get me out of here

10AM There's No Problem You Can't Decorate Your Way Out Of

Manager: Are you going to throw out those Christmas decorations?
Employee: Yes.
Manager: No, we should give those away. Give them to them to the homeless.
Employee: But...(pause) They're homeless!
Manager: Yeah, but haven't you seen those that live under the bridge? They could decorate!
(room goes silent)

Brownsville, Texas

4PM Another Eternal Management Question for You, Dear Reader

IT manager: How can I be wrong when I don't know what I'm talking about?

College Campus
Huntsville, Texas

Overheard by: Knows what she's talking about

11AM Mom Was a Hellishly Bad Cook-- Don't Ask

Manager: I'd always give up something I hate for lent...like string beans, or vagina.

New York City, New York

Overheard by: Sarah R

10AM And I Had to Get Rid Of My Melissa Joan Hart-on

60-year-old boss, walking in late to a meeting: Sorry I'm late, guys. I got caught up watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch this morning.

Plymouth, Massachusetts

Overheard by: sabrina lover

9AM Global Warming?

Slightly chubby male worker to supervisor: My Speedo has nothing to do with this!

Revelstoke
BC
Canadia

Overheard by: Jon

3PM You're a Visionary, Sir

Partner: I guess just like people watch tv electronically, one day they'll figure out how to send mail electronically.

Brooklyn, New York

4PM Nowadays, Of Course, Dogs Make Their Own Gravy

Manager: Do you remember the cartoon where they hold the dog down and pour gravy down its throat? Great cartoon, that.

Melbourne
Australia

4PM ...For Reasons Which Are Entirely Between You and the Donkey

HR manager: Why does she keep calling it a guidebook? It's an employee handbook! A guidebook is for when you go to the Cayman Islands and need to find a donkey!

Norwalk, Connecticut

3PM What Heart Can Resist the Allure Of the Bedazzler?

Supervisor #1: Before this meeting gets started, let's go over what I want.
Supervisor #2: I know what she wants! She wants my pants!

Tucson, Arizona

10AM And Does It Have Anything to Do with Cookie Monster's Eyes?

New admin asst: Where can I find this address?
Office manager: I usually just google the company name and get it from their website.
New admin asst: You what?
Office manager: I look it up on google.
New admin asst: What's google?

Santa Anita Arcadia, California

3PM A Tragic Misunderstanding Results in Harry's Wrist Getting Broken

Boss to male coworker: Go and grab Jen so that we can discuss a few outstanding issues.
Male coworker: My boss told me to grab you.
Jen: What?

Kansas City, Missouri

11AM ...Again.

Assistant: Can I go home sick?
Boss: Why?
Assistant: I ate too much gum.

New York City, New York

Overheard by: OMG

9AM ...Oh Wait, Now I See.

Peon looking over supervisor's shoulder at computer screen: Why'd you...name it "gay sex"?

Media Services
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: CW

1PM Happens to Every Guy at Some Point

Lowly finance clerk to director: What'd you lose?
Director: The eyeball from my carrot.

Nunavut
Canada

Overheard by: Finance Officer #3

10AM It Was a Brilliant Performance Art Piece

Associate director: So I found myself on the floor, bleeding, and all I could think was, "Really? I just cut myself with spaghetti?"

Commonwealth Ave
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: cube rat

9AM Like George Michael, the Company Wants All Your Secs

VP: Hey, can you pop in here to chat yet?
Accounting asst: Give me just a sec...
VP: How about now? It's urgent, and I've been giving you secs all morning.
Passing by office manager: So much for last week's sexual harassment training...

Washington, DC

Overheard by: I could use some...

2PM Sometimes a Box Pun Quote Just Makes Our Day

Female older admin: That's not my box.
Male supervisor: Well, it was listed as yours.
Female older admin: Not my box. Not my box.
Male supervisor: Well, maybe Kate just thought it looked like yours.
Female older admin: Nope. (pause) I am still missing my box. That is not my box.
Male supervisor: Hmmm, Caroline was missing her box too, maybe this is her box. (louder) Hey Caroline, what does your box look like?
Caroline: What?
Female older admin, under breath: Not my box.

Brooklyn Center, Minnesota

Overheard by: I'm tired today.

1PM I Speak Several Sub-Saharan Languages

Boss: Can you come help me with this Excel thing? I deleted something that I needed.
Admin: Okay. Well, you should just click "undo".
Boss: What's "clickundo"?

Dayton, Oregon

Overheard by: glad to be in a different department

10AM In Addition to the One Labeled "Important Fire Safety Instructions"

Manager: What time is my meeting with you?
Employee: I don't know. I got your e-mail, but didn't know you were talking about, so I deleted it.

Broadway & Walker
New York City

Overheard by: office peon hates meetings

2PM Because Slacking Off Together Would Be Wrong

Manager, discussing female coworker who is slacking: Well, make sure you stay on top of her.
Worker: Yup, I'll be on top of her for sure!

Toronto
Ontario

12PM Well the Tutu Looks Lovely, Larry.

Manager, singing: I don't have any pants on...I still have my shoes on and my socks rolled up...I don't have any pants on.

San Diego, California

11AM Before Bible Study

Manager, training new employee: If they call and are interested in strap-on play and ask for, say, mistress Lola, tell them she's been roaming the halls with her strap-on, humping the walls.
New employee, with wide eyes: Really?
Established employee, passing by: Only on Sundays.

Grand & Ogden
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Yes, It's a BDSM Dungeon

10AM Feminists: Ah-Hah!

Coworker: So they were a nice group of girls.
Boss: Were they bright?
Coworker: Not overly. They were, umm, nice.
Boss: That's good. I like that. (both walk out the door)

Toronto
Canadia

3PM Nobody's Allowed to Do That Except My Wife

Spanish boss in merger meeting: When this happens, people will want to take away our cojones. We can't let that happen! We have to have firm, hard balls! We can't let them touch our balls!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

9AM Yeah, We Saw Your Coffee Mug, Sir.

Boss #1: We should really think about selling those apartments as condos.
Boss #2: Saying "condo" to a bank right now is like saying "cunt"
(stunned silence)
Boss #1: Personally, I kind of like the word "cunt."

Meadows Road
Portland, Oregon

4PM Serial Killers Excel at Door-to-Door Sales

Project manager, about interviewee: He's like Ted Bundy sexy!

Ada, Michigan

Overheard by: Just a temp

3PM Be Sure to Fill Out a Freudian Slip First

Boss: What are you going to do on your lunch break?
Assistant: I think I might go outside and spread my legs.
Boss: Pardon?
Assistant: I said I think I might go outside and stretch my legs. (walks off very quickly)

North Ryde
Australia

Overheard by: Sinead

12PM Number Fours Are When a Baby Comes Out

Engineer: Damn, I'm tired. I was up all night with a case of the number threes.
VP: Number threes?
Engineer: You know, when you think you have to go number two, but actually you have to puke in the bathtub.

Paterson, New Jersey

9AM Judaism's Like the Six Flags Of Religion

Jewish company principal: Why would you want to become Jewish?
Woman employee: It'll be fun!

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: The Gentile Temp

3PM Have Her Fax Us a Whole Box, Okay?

Boss to secretary: We're out of paper? Hold on, I'll call Julie and have her fax me a sheet and we can photo copy it.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: can't say ... I'm laughing to hard

2PM Didn't Beer Make Milwaukee Famous?

Pretentious boss: Oh, we host different wine tastings all the time. Next month we're having a girlfriend tasting.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: trying hard not to snicker

1PM Why Superheros Only Change Into Their Costumes When They're Fighting Crime

Warehouse manager to engineer: Hello, Vice President tight pants! (salutes)

Aliso Viejo, California

11AM Rumors About the Man in the Yellow Hat Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Manager: Yes, he's alive because he ate monkey shit.

Granby Street
Norfolk, Virginia

9AM Tonight: The Hardy Boys and the Can Opener Mystery

Manager on phone with kids: You two need to work out this SpaghettiO's issue on your own. I'm in a meeting!

Austin, Texas

Overheard by: CubeRat

11AM Illiterrhea

Angry office manager, looking at promotional material: It looks like someone ate alphabet soup and shat all over this document.

K Street
Washington, DC

Overheard by: must have been too muct text on the page.......

5PM She Sticks Pins in Me and My Doll Gets Better

Employee: You're not going to a chiropractor, are you?
Boss: No. She's a lesbian voodoo doctor. She's next to a bagel shop.

Vancouver
Canadia

2PM I'd Like My Sexual Harassment Suit to Be Accurate

Boss, offhandedly: I love this company. I want to have sexual relations with this company.
Confused employee: You mean...in the company building? Or...with the company?

Southern California

5PM Nah, I Think the Donkey's Had Enough.

Manager on phone: Is the Playboy pillow going back in?

Toronto
Canadia

3PM Remember When You Thought We Should Invade Australia?

Female team leader: Hey, Mark. I've been thinking...
Male team leader: Uh-oh. That's not good.

Wellington
New Zealand

Overheard by: Derf

1PM That's the Last Time I'll Buy a LieBook

Boss: Why can't I open this file?
Secretary: Because you did not click on the file.
Boss: I swear this computer lies to me all the time!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: telling lies to the computer

12PM I Realize It's Important to Set Stretch Goals

Female boss on phone: I have never seen one that big, I don't think I can handle one that big.

Pharmacy
Atlanta, Georgia

11AM Larry and Curly Warned Me That Moe Would Never Change...

Male manager: I just love pushing your button! (sticks finger in his mouth, makes a popping sound and then makes a stabbing motion with it)
Female supervisor: My husband does that, and it drives me bananas!

North Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: thatshowyoudoit?

3PM Which Makes Them Ughs

Boss: Are we not paying you enough, that you have to come in wearing those shoes?
Cute female receptionist: What's wrong with my shoes?
Boss: They're covered in scuff marks.
Cute female receptionist: Stop being so superficial! And they're not scuff marks, it's pigeon crap.

Madison Ave
New York City, New York

Overheard by: Dasma

12PM The Payroll Office Prefers Smoke Signals

Cube dweller to boss: It showed up. I knew if I didn't respond to the e-mail, his paycheck would show up.

Broomfield, Colorado

11AM Back When We Lived in the Real America

Office manager: Back in my day, we used to go trick-or-treating with shot glasses.

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

11AM But, Thanks to Her, We've Got All Our Problems Licked

Manager talking to department: I just really want to thank Katie* for helping out last month. She really jungled a lot of balls...and some of them were pretty hairy.

Richmond, Virginia

9AM Republicans Are Already Drawing Harsh Comparisons to Tinky Winky

VP to manager: I mean, Barack Obama...he's much more purple than even black.

Franklin, Tennessee

Overheard by: Morgan

2PM Why Bill's Lovers Find Him Tedious in Bed

Boss on phone, eating cashews: Excuse me, I had a handful of nuts in my hand and put them in my mouth.
Lady on the other end: That's okay.
Boss, with mouth full of cashews: No, it's not, I apologize pitifully.

Louisville, Kentucky

Overheard by: He wasn't sorry

9AM If You Don't Know, He's Not Doing It Right.

Boss, yelling at employee during conference call: I need to know if this guy is jerking me off or not!

18th St.
New York City, New York

Overheard by: Cill the Obscure

11AM Game, Set, Match.

50-something American manager: So you're going to Disney World on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and coming back Sunday? Have you see our airports when they're busy?
20-something Indian consultant: Have you seen our trains, anytime?

Wayne, New Jersey

3PM You Get My Thrust?

CEO at all-employee meeting: We want this company to get to the top. Because I don't know about you, but I have fun when I'm on top. (employees roar with laughter)

Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Just wanted the stock quote

11AM Yeah, We've Read Your Declaration on the Bathroom Wall

Company VP to entire lobby, after struggling to open the front door: Well, I've never used it before. I'm a back door kinda guy!

Kansas City, Missouri

5PM ...Four Times in One Day.

Secretary: Have you seen that movie The Happening?
Boss: Is that with Marky Mark?
Secretary: I think so, that's Mark Wahlberg right?
Boss: Yeah, can you feel the vibrations?
Secretary: I don't think you're allowed to ask me that.

Las Cruces, New Mexico

10AM And Refrain from Entering My Office for at Least Half an Hour

Boss: Whats wrong?
Red-faced receptionist: I just picked up a call and you could hear people having sex on the other line! I'm afraid to answer the phone now...
Boss: From now on, put those calls through to me.

Edmonton
Canadia

3PM Where Hot Dogs Come From.

Manager, shaking leg after a slapping fart: Oh, that had a little meat to it...

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

11AM Have You Tried Looking Behind Your Monitor?

Employee: On this new printer I just installed, we can print double sided.
Crazy-haired boss lady: I don't think I can.
Employee: No, we all can now.
Crazy-haired boss lady: Well, are things double sided on your screen? I don't have anything that is double sided on my screen, so I can't print double sided.

Merrillville, Indiana

Overheard by: CJ

1PM It'll Feel Like Thanksgiving at My House.

Subscriptions coordinator: We are hundreds of renewal letters behind--how am I supposed to send all of these out?
Zealous, oblivious manager: We'll get the whole department to help stuff envelopes. We can all be bent over a barrel at a stuffing orgy together! It will be an orgy of stuffing!

East Lansing, Michigan

Overheard by: Louise

5PM If They Want to Find Syphilis, They Should Inquire with Betty in Accounting

Manager: Well if they don't fill out the forms right, they don't get their shit. I have no sympathy for them...and you know what I say? If they want to find sympathy, they can look in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis."

Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Katie M

2PM From Now On, Call Me Nat King Coleslaw

Tired CEO, coming out of his office: Ugh. I feel like a big, huge...stuffed cabbage.

New York City, New York

Overheard by: Lowly analyst girl

11AM Tonight's Movie: To Sir, With Love

CEO: That would basically put me in the position of a shitting duck.

Calgary
Canadia

5PM Is That a Cheese Log, or Are You Happy to See Me?

Manager: I really do smell hickory smoked!

Denver, Colorado

4PM ...You're Fired.

Boss: He's really similar to my step dad--he had dark hair, and a long corso.
Girl: I'm sorry, a long *what*?
Boss, slowly: A long...corso?
Girl: Torso. Corset.
Boss: Hmm.

San Jose, California

Overheard by: Smarter than her boss (obviously)

11AM My Energy Secret

President: Hello! What are you doing today?
Director, eating canister of Planter's Peanuts: I'm eating my nuts!

Atlanta, Georgia

10AM ...With Pony Rides

Coworker: I can't believe he only gave us a 20,000$ spending limit.
Boss: Why?
Coworker: Because my daughter's first birthday was more than that! How am I going to find a place for twenty people that cheap?

Oak Brook, Illinois

9AM Marriage: a Simulation.

Branch manager: I really wish we had a color printer up here!
Personal banker: Well, you know what? We don't! So why don't you take out the trash!

Conway, Arkansas

Overheard by: Brynn

1PM The One Made Of Gingerbread?

Supervisor, hanging up phone with crazy caller: She said Nancy Pelosi told her she could call in.
Secretary: Who's that?
Supervisor, stunned: The Speaker of the House?
Secretary: What house?
Supervisor: The one of ill-repute down on Marshall Street.

County Courthouse
Norristownm, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Lan

9AM But It's Not Friday Yet.

Waiter: There's a fly buzzing around. I kept him off your food.
Manager: Ah, it doesn't matter. Nobody ever died from that.
Waiter: Nobody ever died from licking my balls, either. You want to come over here and do that?

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

11AM Your Hair?

Manager: Since I don't have any feelings or emotion, it kinda doesn't get in the way.

Richmond, Virginia

10AM Then I Remembered How Shifty Mom Is

Manager: Does anyone know anything about the new shift schedule?
Analyst: Karla tried to explain the new shift to me...then it got black...and I don't remember much...but then I woke up sucking my thumb and calling for my mom.

Redmond, Washington

Overheard by: Amy

4PM I Can Never Get My Meat Soft Enough.

Blonde female to another: Yeah, we used to call out of work together and just spend the entire day (hits fist into hand) Bam! Bam! Bam! All day long!
Boss, overhearing conversation: Good to know.

Atlanta, Georgia

10AM That's Kind Of How It Works, Sir.

Boss, abruptly: Should I give this porn star money?

Los Angeles, California

5PM Well, You're on the Right Track with the Banging

CSR: Time is going sooo slow...
Manager: Dude, I have a great idea.
CSR: Dude, what is it?
Manager: I'll tell you later, dude.
CSR: How much later, dude?
Manager: Like 30 minutes.
CSR: Dude, that's like 45 minutes away! (bangs head on desk)

Austin, Texas

1PM Exactly.

Director: How do you spell "dumb"? "D-u-m" or "d-u-m-e"?
Account executive: It's "d-u-m-b."
Director: What?
Account executive: "D-u-m-b." B, b, b...like "boy."
Director: What about boys?

40th & Lexington
New York City, New York

5PM Because That Would Be Really Unpleasant for Me

Office manager, getting off phone: Well, that was awkward. She said that Jim died in march.
Accountant: He didn't leave any unpaid invoices, right?

Orange, California

Overheard by: Peon with a soul

5PM That's a Date We'll Never Forget

Employee, on 9/10: Ohhh...I just realized what tomorrow is.
Boss: Talk like a parrot day?
Employee: Uhh...no.

Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Intern

1PM And Take Your Gobbets With You!

Employee #1: Oh, god! Tammy*!
Supervisor: What now?
Employee #2: I drooled on her!
Employee #1: Get out of my cube, drooler!

Sycamore, Illinois

12PM That's Facebook, Sir

Boss, shouting from neighboring office: Oh my god, I love those mugshots!

Los Angeles, California

3PM Well, Why Are We Giving a Presentation on Kierkegaard, Anyway?

Project manager, regarding principal of firm: He has been driving around with his windshield wipers on because he can't figure out how to turn them off, do you really think he will understand this?

98th & Broadway
New York City, New York

3PM Or Just Give You Noogies Until You Answer

Executive, referring to salesperson: What purpose does it serve to have her review these files?
Production manager: What purpose does it serve to have her work here?
Executive: Let me ask again. What's the point of giving her these files?
Production manager: I'll answer your question if you answer mine.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Art Dictator

10AM We'll Never Understand Oak Porn

Manager: It's getting a little soft.
Accountant: You might not want to use a twig.

Toronto
Canadia

2PM I Will Say That the Pen Is Cuter Than the Sword

Manager: Hey Annie, have you seen my new pen?
Waitress, excited: Oh my god, how cute!
Manager, excited: I know, right? (pause) It's really sad to think that is the most exciting things that's happened to me today.

Theater Distrtict Restaurant
New York City, New York

4PM What? Like African Geography Matters?

Receptionist: How was Ireland?
Office manager: Actually, I was in Scotland.
Receptionist: That's not the same place?

Park Avenue
New York City, New York

Overheard by: Sammy Sanchez

3PM And Repeat, If Necessary

Male creepy marketing director, asking how to change copier's toner: So you just pull it out and shove it in?
Female office manager: (sigh)

Royal Oak, Michigan

1PM Now Zip Up Your Pants, Sir.

Reservations manager: You look very small today!
GSR: Umm...thanks?

Charleston, South Carlolina

12PM Now I'm Requesting Sick Leave

Coworker: Just to let you know, I need to leave at noon today because I have a leak.
Office manager: That sounds like a personal problem.

Navy Yard
Washington, DC

11AM ...Give or Take About Six Weeks.

Business user: So you're telling me that it will take six weeks to roll out this new bit of code to the stores?
Project manager: Yes.
Business user: This is ridiculous. Why can't we just have a set of rules that tells the systems what we want to do instead of inserting all this coding crap?
Project manager: Well, yes, we could do that.
Business user: Perfect! How long will it take to do that?
Project manager: About six weeks.

Wilkesboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Firebabe

9AM Dolphin Porn.

CFO: What are they going to use video equipment for?
Budget services director: Making porn.

River Forest, Illinois

5PM If You Suggest the Concept Of "Sombrero Fridays" One More Time

Manager: One of these days, I'm gonna stuff you with candy... I'm gonna hang you by your toes and beat you like a piñata.

Washington, DC

11AM You'd Need a Trampoline to Make the Minimum Payment

Boss: Yeah, the credit card rates were higher than the balls of a giraffe.

San Diego, California

Overheard by: Nance

9AM Reader Poll: Which Is More Obscene?

Communications manager: So what did you do this weekend?
Female site admin, as garbage truck drives by: I rediscovered Lionel Richie.
Communications manager, confused: You discovered lesbian orgies?
Female site admin: Wow.

Sex Toy Company
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Sex Writer Goddess

12PM ...For the First Hour, and Surf the Web for the Other 7.

Worker: So, what's the plan for today?
Boss (loudly): Same thing as always. (now quietly) ...try to take over the world.

Brooklyn Army Terminal
New York City, New York

2PM We're Just Discussing Hands-Across-the-Water, Sir

Cube guy #1: Yeah, you should go to the overseas office if you get a chance, they treat you real nice there.
Cube guy #2: Really?
Cube guy #1: Yeah, they were real good to me.
Cube guy #2: Yeah? They give you the reach-around?
Supervisor, walking by on the way to his office: What?

Austin, Texas

3PM And They Get Mad When You Try to Put Them on a Leash

CEO on phone: I love immigrants, they're so cute. They're like dogs when you talk to them and they turn their heads and look at you, and try to understand.

McLean, Virginia

Overheard by: Septimus

2PM Stupid Current Events

Director: September used to be a good month, until 9/11, whenever that was.

Atlanta, Georgia

3PM God, You're the Worst Industrial Spy Ever

Project manager: Boris, moose and squirrel are over there.

Union Square
New York City, New York

Overheard by: Julie

2PM Mr. T: I Pity the Baby Who Tries to Break Out Of There!

Boss to intern: Oh, you're from Kentucky! Is there anything important there?
Kentucky-born intern: Uh, the gold vault.
Boss: (blank stare)
Kentucky-born intern: You know, Fort Knox.
Boss: Oh, yeah! That's where they get the saying "She's locked up tighter than Fort Knox!"

Virginia Beach, Virginia

11AM ...A Little Silhouetto Of a Man

Boss: Because Mike played that song so damn much. He had such a man crush on Justin. (pause) Yeah, but you're not a man. (pause) You're not a little, tiny man who looks like Harry Potter.

Woodinville, Washington

10AM ...That's My Story and I'm Stickin' to It.

Supervisor to associate, about smell complaints: Maybe it's something in your drawers... Umm...I mean your desk drawers.

Rancho Cucamonga, California

1PM Abuse Victims Make Excellent Employees

Account executive: It's Mike's birthday today!
Mike: It is not.
CEO: Oh well, time for the ritual birthday sodomy, anyway.

Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: IT Dude

5PM I Don't Quite Know What to Do With That, Ma'am

Office manager: I think in my past life I was born in the Depression.

Hallway, Washington

3PM And It's Supposed to Be a Video But It's Frozen

Boss, grabbing a document of black and white printer: Who has the color version of this document? Every time I print it, it's in black and white.

Memphis, Tennessee

11AM Mutual, Um, Funds...Yeah...

Intern: I'd tap that.
Boss: What?!
Intern: I mean...I'd like to talk about mutual funds with that.

Boston, Massachusetts

10AM So You Stand There Twiddling Your Thumbs, While They Dig Like Meerkats

Project manager: I hate it when people tell you they have to look for something, because then they have to find it.

Oak Brook, Illinois

4PM Doesn't Matter, but It's Good to Know

Boss: He has a bit of a shiny face, though. In my experience, ones with a shiny face are all pillow biters.

Office
Frankston
Australia

Overheard by: Receptionist

3PM Melissa Gets Fired. Again

Female supervisor: Here, Melissa...scrape off some of that frosting, and jam your nuts into it! It's really good!

Madison, Wisconsin

11AM The Latest Edition Of My Big Book Of Rainy Day Activities Experienced Poor Sales.

New boss: It's fun to pop little babies' toes and watch them scream.

Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: poor babies

9AM When the Porn Industy Hires Efficiency Consultants

Manager: So all I'm saying is that we bang it out and get 'er done. Is that something we can do?
Associate (in shock): Um... Yeah, sure. I can bang it out and get 'er done.

Cincinnati, Ohio

2PM Upon Request, I Also Poop Rainbows

Female tech: I have the funniest hiccups. They sound like kittens!
Boss: If you say so.

McComb, Mississippi

5PM When Americans Think, the Terrorists Win.

Boss to another, on phone: I'm telling you, if we start letting them think for themselves, we're screwed!

Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: Apparently Screwed

1PM Fingers Don't Lie, but Liars Finger, Y'know

Manager to engineer: That'll cut our sales in half by at least 85%!

Batavia, Ohio

10AM That Was Fun, but You Just Made an Enemy for Life

Data entry worker #1: So I told her I need special glasses because of my stigmata.
Data entry worker #2: Your what?
Data entry worker #1: My stigmata.
Data entry worker #2: You have stigmata?
Data entry worker #1: Yeah.
Data entry worker #2: You suffer the wounds of Jesus?
Data entry worker #1: What?
Passing supervisor: She means her "astigmatism."
Data entry worker #2: Like in my eyes.
Data entry worker #1: (laughs hysterically)

Bridgeton, Missouri

Overheard by: Ready for Jesus

12PM Son Of a Glitch!

Beautiful supervisor on phone: How did that project I gave you go?
Tech support specialist: Well, I ran into a couple of...snatches.
Beautiful supervisor: Okay, well, I will come help you out.
Tech support specialist, hanging up phone: I meant to say "glitches," I meant to say "glitches"!

Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Tech Anthony

11AM When Normally We Schedule Him for Wednesdays

Older partner to receptionist: See you later, we're going to meet this banker.
Middle-aged partner, to older partner as they walk out the door: What? Oh, "banker." I thought you said "the spanker."

New York City, New York

Overheard by: Jen

4PM Send in the Clowns

Boss: Fuckin A, my head is still up my ass.

St. Louis County, Missouri

Overheard by: crackkitty

9AM He Does It to Infinity-- and Beyond

Programmer: So I'm beginning to think that [client's name] is a huge fuckup.
Boss: Yeah, but he fucks up with style. He's the Buzz Lightyear of fuckups.

Mesa, Arizona

Overheard by: Chris Cardinal

12PM We Can't Have Radio Control Cars Zipping Down the Hallways

Admin assistant: So, the batteries are in that bin over there when you need them, you know, for office uses and stuff.
Boss: Yeah, no personal use for your...personal toys.

San Diego, California

Overheard by: Kimberly

2PM Further Evidence That Female Spotted Hyenas Make Lousy Bosses

65-year-old female manager to male manager: Every time I talk to this woman it turns into a huge dick-waving contest. (pause) I think she has finally realized that I am the queen of winning dick-waving contests.

Mobile, Alabama

Overheard by: Winning this contest any day

1PM Some Strip Club Owners Run a Tight Ship

Manager to lead: Go ahead and audit her drawer tonight. We're supposed to audit everyone once a week.
Cashier: Go ahead, since it'll be quick. How often are my drawers off anyway?
Passing coworker: Every. Night.

Lee's Summit, Missouri

Overheard by: Alicia

10AM Firing People's Just the Icing on the Cake

IT manager: I wish I worked in HR, they're always either eating cake or firing people.

New York City, New York

10AM And What I Just Did!

(cell phone rings, CEO at urinal answers)
CEO: Hello? Yeah, hi. I'll be....
(another toilet flushes very loudly)
CEO: Guess where I am?

New Westminster, BC
Canadia

Overheard by: Knows the etiquette

5PM Chorus in Background: "Amo, Amas, Amat..."

Scattered manager to client on speakerphone: Hi Bill, this is Carol. I have Jen and Beth here. We're all conjugating at Jen's desk.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: The Notorious B

10AM Or, As the French Call It, "Le Mall"

Manager #1: Are you writing "I hate you" in all the languages you know?
Manager #2: Yes.
Manager #1: So cultured.
Manager #2: How many languages do you know?
Manager #1: I took eight years of french.
Manager #2: Oh, are you fluent?
Manager #1: I can find the mall.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: in your office listening to your convos

5PM ...to Morty's Funeral

CEO: I assume you are perceptive enough to know there will be no strippers on the bus.

Elmsford, New York

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief

9AM Drop a Bunch Of Condoms on the Floor, and He'll Immediately Tell You How Many There Are

Secretary: So, what's her husband like?
Manager: Oh, he's kind of like Mr Bean...you think he may be slightly autistic but he's still really sexually attractive.
Secretary: Uhh...

Office
Sydney
Australia

1PM Internet: I'm So Lonely-- Nobody Ever Calls

Supervisor on speakerphone: Hold on a sec, I've got another call. Hello, this is Mark*.
Caller: Yes, am I in the right place?
Supervisor: I don't know, who were you trying to reach?
Caller: Is this the number for the internet?
Supervisor: No, I'm sorry, this is a state agency.
Caller: This isn't the internet?
Supervisor: Nope, sorry.
Caller: Oh, darn, okay bye.
Supervisor (back to the other line): Well, that was a first.

Newington, Connecticut

Overheard by: but please give it my regards. I'm a huge fan.

10AM And Have That Carpal Tunnel Surgery

Male VP: We'll beat it off for now.
Female general counsel: We'll beat it off for the next five years.
Consultant: That's probably the longest we can beat it off for.
Female general counsel: And then I'll retire.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: If I so much as smile, I'll get fired.

5PM And Now They're in a Sticky Situation

Manager: How can they spend this much on marketing?
Old partner: They certainly blew their whole load for the year.

Deerfield, Illinois

Overheard by: cube noob

11AM Readers, Answer This Eternal Management Question

Boss, wearing mini-dress, as she exits office: If I can't bend over in my own office, then where can I bend over?

Toronto
Canadia

4PM Meanwhile, Rome Burned.

New girl: I'm going downstairs for a smoke before we start checking over. Do you want to come?
Supervisor: No thanks, I just think I'll sit here and fiddle...not with myself!
New girl: Whatever you want to do in your own time.
Supervisor: Hur-hur, yeah, I just sit here and fiddle with myself to unwind. (later, realising new girl has left) Fiddle.

Chiswick Park
London
England

Overheard by: choking on a coke

2PM It's Why I Entered the Exciting Field Of Elder Care in the First Place

Boss: Sometimes I wish all our clients would just die.

Brisbane
Australia

3PM Better You Than Me, Pal

Boss to employee fixing phone lines: Where is Matt? He was just here.
Matt: I'm over here...under your wife's desk.

Brookhaven, Pennsylvania

1PM But I've Made Do with a Forehead and Half a Boob Before...

Audience development director: Is anybody else having any weird computer issues? I'm having trouble on the main site and on admin...
Marketing director: The porn I'm looking at is taking an awfully long time to load, if that's what you mean.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Sarah

10AM The Children I Can Take or Leave

Boss, on his way out the door for a rough meeting: If I never come back, tell my wife I like her.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

11AM Should We Take a Personal Day?

Boss #1: You know grandpa died today.
(long pause)
Boss #2: From The Munsters?
(long pause)
Boss #1: Yep.

Danville, Illinois

1PM That's What He Said!