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9AM As a Co-Utterer or a Target?
Boss: From now on, every time I call someone a 'twat,' just presume you're Cc:ed in on it.
Power station
Wales
1PM One of the Hazards of Dating Congressmen
Boss: Are you cranky because you fell into the toilet?
601 E Street NW
Washington, DC
9AM But You and Grandpa Have Fun, Okay?
Boss: Look, I don't care if you use the loft, but if you get butt-ass freaky, just change the sheets.
Bonner Springs, Kansas
5PM I Swear, This Has Never Happened to Me Before
Male boss to female receptionist: Don't worry about it. Your finger just got excited, is all.
1120 G Street NW
Washington, DC
12PM What the Hell Am I Doing Up in This Helicopter?
Boss: ... And the first thing I thought was, 'I can't read this without liquor!'
6900 Main Street
Stratford, Connecticut
3PM Don't Let That Cut into Your 20% Napping Time
Marketing director: Eighty percent of what we do is called 'wasting time.'
Massachusetts Avenue NE
Washington, DC
5PM ... Are Fired
Director, during brainstorming session: You and your colon!
3912 North 29th Avenue
Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: George
11AM You Have to Go to Metaphor School before You Can Be a Manager
Manager #1: My roommate is acting a little off.
Manager #2: What do you mean?
Manager #1: It's like her elevator doesn't go to the top anymore.
Staff: You have an elevator in your house?
Sonoma, California
4PM Sounds Peachy, Ed.
Office manager: I wonder if I should bleach my snatch.
3301 Mulford Road
Rockford, Illinois
Overheard by: broodingsoul
12PM But She's All, "I'm Three Years Old, Daddy!"
Boss: I need her strapped to her desk with a phone in her ear at all times... I need her making money.
41 East 11th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
3PM ... Is What I Say to My Wife in Bed
Manager: If you want to get in on the Vulcan mind meld, you gotta come over here and chug some of this maple syrup.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
4PM Then I'll Get Promoted for Sure!
Manager: I'll just talk a lot... but not really say anything.
5800 South Quebec Street
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: leedle
11AM ... Or the Government Wouldn't Put Mind-Control Chemicals in Our Water
Manager in motivational meeting: Just try brainwashing yourself sometime. There is nothing wrong with being brainwashed.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: the other admin
10AM ... Into Your Socks
Boss #1: Did you have enough to eat today?
Boss #2: No.
Boss #1: I can tell -- you tucked in your shirt.
Kapiolani Boulevard
Honolulu, Hawaii
11AM How to Murder Your Step-Father, Cross Dress, or Outsmart Woodland Nymphs -- That We Can Do.
Box office manager: Sir, this is the Chicago Shakespeare Theater. I can't tell you how to fix your microwave.
800 East Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
9AM Though Not Quite Up to Golden Girl Standards
Boss: Man, there were some fine cougars in there! I mean, this one woman -- she had gray hair, but she was, like, hot! I mean, like Falcon Crest-hot!
Bonner Springs, Kansas
3PM And It's Great for Cracking Open Shellfish
Manager to another: Why don't you take a seat on my commode? It's fur-lined... It's a special otter fur. The poop washes right off.
101 North 2nd Street
Harrisonburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Andréa Cecil
2PM When Bush Is Left Alone in the Oval Office
Manager #1, to temp: So, listen -- you'll be in charge of the department today while we're at an all-staff meeting. But ain't no cameras here, so you can use this space to roller skate while we're gone.
Manager #2: Yeah, or stand on the desk.
Manager #3: Or take a doody.
15th Street
Washington, DC
9AM Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard
Lady manager: As far as I'm concerned, if you haven't had a rash, you haven't lived!
Kingswood Fields, Surrey
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Captain Stash
10AM Which Also Leaves Out Spanking and Flogging
Boss to assistant: Well, we're not going to fire you, because you'd like that too much.
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Sir Rugo
4PM Under "Education"
General manager: He had 'Shaving Ryan's Privates' on his résumé.
242 West 36th Street
New York, New York
3PM Makes You Wonder If It's Us or the Customers
General manager: Did Jimmy* clean the wall in the bathroom?
Business manager: Yeah. Who put boogers on the wall, anyway?
Main Street
Saginaw, Michigan
5PM Much Better Than a Cracker Jack Prize
Video store manager: ... And the porn was in the candy.
Movie store
Williamstown, Massachusetts
4PM Surprisingly Effective
Male supervisor who drives a PT Cruiser: My car's as much of a chick magnet as me walking into a room without a shirt on making farting noises with my armpit.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
5PM Since No High-Profile Plane Crashes Have Happened Recently, Everyone Laughed Good-Naturedly at the Pilot's Joke
Pilot: Folks we'll be flying at 28 thousand feet today, however, the folks at maintenance only gave us enough fuel to fly at 22 thousand feet. So, we'll see what happens. Enjoy your flight!
Delta Airlines flight
2PM My Career Is in Your Tiny Hands
Navy commander to his three-year old who's locked herself in the connecting bathroom again: Susie*, open this door at once! I command you!
Visiting officer's quarters, Tachikawa Air Force base
Tokyo
Japan
5PM I Love Dating the Employees
Boss: I went on a date with this guy, and he showed up with the most hideous, tacky tie on. So I just said, 'That tie is so tacky' and made him take it off and threw it into the nearest trash can. He thinks I'm so mean, but I'm telling you, he loves it.
171 Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Grace Aldridge
12PM It's Good for Filling Wet Cracks, Am I Right?
Boss #1: We have a caulk issue.
Boss #2: Is it big?
Boss #3: Very.
Employee passerby: I know all about caulk -- it's very sticky.
548 Highway 155
St. Germain, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Tony
2PM But He Is My Son
Office manager: He kinda looks like a Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: What?
Office manager: A Ninja Turtle. Don't you see it?
Receptionist: Ummm...
Office manager: You know, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Receptionist: Oh, that kind of Ninja Turtle... I don't see it.
2661 Riva Road
Annapolis, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
12PM No Thanks, I'm Driving
Specialist: Did you know that one of the most recognizable smells is the smell of crayons?
Manager: What about glue?
2700 W Plano Parkway
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: soolka
12PM But I'm Thinking about Canceling My Slut License
Bartender: I was sitting at the bar having a beer before work, and an old lady came up and gave me the nicest compliment.
Manager: Oh, yeah? What did she say?
Bartender: She told me that I was a very pretty girl and I should get up off the barstool and quit being a slut all my life.
Manager: So, she really called you a slut.
Bartender: Well... I guess she did.
405 N Interurban Avenue
Richardson, Texas
3PM Don't Even Be Eatin' That Yogurt in Front of Me
Boss: There's pizza in the back room for everyone in appreciation of your hard work!
Employee #1: Hey, Jen*, can you save me a slice? I can't leave my desk right now.
Employee #2: Sure, I'll bring two back. There should be enough for two slices per person.
Employee #3: You know, I work harder than the rest of you all combined; therefore, I should get the most fuckin' pizza. Does anyone else here work as hard as me? I don't fuckin' think so. So that means that I get more pizza. I don't want to see anyone eating more fuckin' pizza than me.
Employee #2: So, Meredith*, what kind of pizza did you want?
Employee #1: Um, I think I'll just... stick with my yogurt... Thanks.
570 Worcester Road
Framingham, Massachusetts
2PM Different Day, Same Shit
Building manager: Did you get that poop under control?
Maintenance guy: I'll deal with it on Monday.
7025 Kit Creek Road
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: mac774
10AM Better Wrap This up, Boys -- Mrs. Agnew's Coming into Heat
Supervisor #1: I mean, humans are the only ones that are supposed to be having interspecies sex, and even then, I don't think that we should be.
Supervisor #2: Ew.
Supervisor #3: But that'd probably get you promoted here.
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
4PM Amanda Hugginkiss Had Responded and Was Befuddled by the Accusation
Manager: We've noticed that you haven't responded to the anonymous survey. We'd like your feedback as soon as possible.
32nd Street
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
3PM Well, It Is and It Isn't
Supervisor: She used to wear all sorts of things in her hair, and then one day she showed up with a condom, and we were like, 'Honey, that's not a scrunchie.'
473 Ridge Road
Dayton, New Jersey
Overheard by: office peon
3PM I Thought That Was Supposed to be Happening in Your Office?
Boss: Jeez Louise, we're just nailing each other over here!
Kansas City, Missouri
5PM Of Course If We Fire Her, We'll Have the Expense of Training Another Screamer
General manager: Should we fire Missy*? She was screaming at you in front of other employees.
Manager #1: I don't know. What does Missy* feel we should do to her?
General manager: Uh, I didn't ask her.
Manager #2: She thinks we should buy her a pizza and give her a raise. What the fuck do you think she feels we should do to her?
Indianapolis, Indiana
11AM But One You Must Learn to Relish Here at Festering Fruit International
Supervisor: A warm banana is an acquired taste.
Park Ave
New York City
4PM They Keep A Few Wheelchair Seats on Hold in Case Any Celebrity Cripples Show Up
Customer: You mean you don't have any wheelchair seats left for that matinee?
Assistant manager: No ma'am. We have a lot of senior citizen groups that come to matinees and they tend to fill up our wheelchair seats.
Customer: Well, I would say put me and my husband in two regular seats, but he doesn't have any legs!
Husband: It's true, I don't have any legs!
Assistant manager: Ummm, ok. Let me see what I can do for you.
Shenandoah University Theatre ticket office
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Jennifer Ellerbe
1PM He's Manager for a Reason
Restaurant manager, to hobo panhandling inside the restaurant: You need to leave right now.
Hobo: Man, how you know I not here for some crab cakes and fine wine?
Restaurant manager: Because you have human shit all over your pants.
Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Shatmandu
2PM Actually She Details Cars, Professionally
Account manager: So I sent you that new job applicant. Have fun.
Recruiter: I just opened it up. Wow, she completely misspelled 'Delaware State.'
Account manager: Oh, it gets worse.
Recruiter: 'Seven years,' with an '-s!' And she spelled 'with' wrong!
Account manager: Yep, and she's a detail-oriented professional.
Trolley Square
Wilmington, Delaware
Overheard by: Rhymes with Banana
11AM On His Unbirthday, the Mad Hatter's Staff Tried Hard to Please him
Warehouse manager: Anyone seen Joe*?
Office manager: I don't know where he is. He sent me an email at 2:03, so he's at a computer somewhere.
Sales guy: I haven't seen him in a while.
Office manager: I bet he went home and he's sending these emails from the web-mail!
Assistant: No, I went out to the warehouse not long ago and passed him on my way out there. He didn't look very happy though.
Sales guy: Why don't you bake him a birthday cake?
Assistant: But it's not his birthday!
Sales guy: It doesn't matter. Birthday cakes make everyone feel better.
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
10AM 'Fuck You' Was More of a Request Than an Expletive
Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You're fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn't clocked in. You can't fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, 'You're fired,' and then clocks him out.
Employee: That's so unfair.
Circle Centre Mall
Overheard by: Shatmandu
9AM But not While Practicing; We've Had Very Mixed Results with That
Account manager on phone: How can she be a virgin? She's a doctor! Would you want your doctor to be a virgin? I think by law, you should have to have sex before you are able to practice medicine.
171 Nepean
Ottawa, Ontario
Overheard by: Smithout
9AM Exactly What We Need to Jump Start Our Marketing Campaign
Marketing Director: There's one student there I'd love to get a photo of. She's drop dead gorgeous and hardly ever wears clothes.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, AZ
5PM What He Learned at Harvard Business School
Branch manager: Wiggy wiggy wiggy wuzza wuzza wiggy. Wiggy!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM He Does Love His Wife's Butt
Branch manager on phone: Hello? Ok, put him through. Hey, Matt*! Hold on, let me shut my office door... Yeah... Yeah... I do love my wife...
Cubicle chick: Did he just say what I think he said? 'I do love my wife'?
Sales guy: Yes, but I think you missed a part. He said 'I do love my wife, but...'
Cubicle chick: It's gonna be a goood day!
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
1PM Otherwise, We Can Only Give You This Hillary Mask and Wish You Godspeed
Employer walking into the office: President Clinton is downstairs on Wacker Drive, but I think you girls will be safe if you just stay inside.
150 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois
5PM No, But I Can Claim Sexual Harassment For Your Use of the Phrase 'Rock-Hard Nipples'
Creative director: It's so cold in here, my rock-hard nipples are chafing on my shirt. Can I claim workman's comp for that?
Radio station
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: it really is cold in here