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5PM If You Unfocus Your Eyes Just Right, You Can See One of Those 'Magic' Pictures
Worker: Bob's balls are hanging out of his shorts.
Manager: Yeah, he's got real hangers.
Worker: You should tell him.
Manager: I like it. No one else can see it, and it's his lunch break. Besides, you've been looking at his scrotum for the last ten minutes.
Balboa Park
San Diego, California
Overheard by: fellow worker sitting nearby
1PM And What Could I Cover It With?
Customer: What's this called?
Sales associate: A duvet cover.
Customer: No, no... what's inside it?
Sales associate: A duvet.
IKEA
Costa Mesa, California
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
4PM Unveiling the Official Phallic Status Symbol for the Twenty-First Century
CSR: Hey, your phone's open!
Courier: [looks at his crotch]
1813 East 9th Street
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: will1966
9AM Natural Selection Fires Off a Warning Shot
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What's wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
9AM She Stole a Kid from a Gay Couple? That Is Low
Intern: Candace's* mom is sixty-five! And she's had seven kids from, like, eight different guys.
1325 East-West Highway
Silver Spring, Maryland
Overheard by: mathwizrd
12PM No, I Have a Plane Ticket and a Shovel
Lady #1: I'm saving myself for Mozart.
Lady #2: That's going to be quite a wait, honey.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Sarah
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
12PM You'll Be Surprised and You Won't Even Know It!
Employee: I'm totally gonna sneak up on you when you're not here.
575 Fifth Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: Thompson
5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault
Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.
1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lauren
5PM The Human-Powered Watercraft Speed Record Is a Seductive Mistress
Girl #1: It's like that kid that was kidnapped for all those years, and then they found him and he was back with his family... but then he died a few years later in a boatorcycle accident.
Girl #2: A boatorcycle accident?
Girl #1: I meant motorcycle.
Girl #2: Yeah, I was gonna say... if he was boatorcycling it would have been his own fault. I mean, he shouldn't have been boatorcycling.
Girl #1: I know!
4310 Sherwoodtowne Boulevard
Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
3PM Oh, See, That One Was Way Too Detailed
Employee on phone: And how do you know her? And... how... do... you... know... her?... AND... HOW... what do you mean, "Ask less detailed questions"?
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
5PM Well, Some of the Time, Anyway
Office manager: We kinda have a policy we sorta have to follow.
5757 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
3PM We Only Sell Information Here
Customer: Does this come in black?
Store clerk: Yes. [walks off]
Department store, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
9AM It's Hard to Keep All Those Former Soviet States Straight
Girl: Hey, Pete*, are you feeling smart today?
Guy #1: Maybe, why?
Girl: Do you know if Korea is a separate country, or is it, like, part of China or Japan?
Guy #1: I have no idea. Why do you need to know?
Girl: I'm trying to look up UPS rates for Korea, but I can't find Korea.
Guy #1: Troy*!
Guy #2: Yes?
Guy #1: Is Korea a separate country from China or Japan?
Guy #2: Yes.
Girl: OK, well, I can't find it on the drop-down. Is it called something else?
Guy #2: Republic of Korea?
Girl: No.
Guy #2: South Korea?
Girl: Oh... OK, there it is!
Phoenix, Arizona
11AM Nah, You've Got Nine Months to Pick a Name
Girl #1: So we had sex last night and we didn't use a condom and I'm ovulating.
Girl #2: Uh huh.
Girl #1: Should I be worried?
10th & Washington
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
11AM The Resident's Box Has Always Been Public
Resident: Patient was seen today at his home. He's still complaining that the beams from Oregon are bothering him, but he said they aren't affecting him too badly right now. In fact, he said that they don't affect men too much in general - it's really women who should be worried about the beams, especially, he said, when they're aimed at women's private boxes.
Social worker: Did you just say private boxes?
Psychiatric clinic
Tulsa, Oklahoma
1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming
Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: underpaid TA
4PM He Said I Was Cold and Unfeeling, And Made Abrupt Transitions
Boss: Sorry about being slow with the orders this summer. I was depressed and almost left my husband. Moving on, I have now ordered some new backpacks for us to sell.
North Washington
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Becky
11AM She Doesn't Like Doing Either, She Just Likes Talking About Them
Nerd #1: All Brittney* talks about is food and sex.
Nerd #2: Yeah, what do you think she likes doing more: talking about eating while having sex, or talking about fucking while having lunch?
333 Pfingsten Road
Northbrook, Illinois
Overheard by: deltar
9AM You Dope. What Are the Odds It Could Be Anybody Else?
Genius on phone: Hey, man... what's going on? So I heard that two cops shot a dude, and I was just wondering if it was you.
44th Street & Broadway
New York, New York
Overheard by: Speechless
2PM In Practice, the Principle of Universal Brotherhood Causes Nothing but Confusion
Supervisor: So you and your brother have different fathers, then?
Worker: Yeah.
Supervisor: So you guys are related through your mom.
Worker: Naw, not really.
Supervisor: Wait, so how are you guys related, then?
Worker: I dunno. We're just brothers.
3901 Via Oro Avenue
Long Beach, California
Overheard by: bored on first day of work
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
11AM Please Hold It Up So I Can See It
CSR: Thank you for calling Widgets Inc.* How may I help you?
Customer: I'm calling about my bill.
CSR: OK, which bill are you calling about?
Customer: The one I received.
3445 North M-291 Highway
Independence, Missouri
3PM Empiricist Cooking Has Its Limitations
VP: But how will we make grilled cheese?
Drone: With the toaster oven.
VP: Well, I never, you'll have to show me how to use it.
Drone: Have you used a toaster?
VP: Yes!
Drone: Have you used an oven?
VP: YES!
Drone: Then you can use a toaster oven.
VP: Well, I have never seen such a thing.
Benzing Road
Orchard Park, New York
4PM He's Also Been Divorced for Three Years But Doesn't Know It
Client: Why do I have financial charges? It was a plan for "same as cash" for eighteen months.
CSR: Well, sir, we sent you eighteen months of statements telling you that if you don't pay by the due date, you'll have financial charges to pay and exactly how much they would be.
Client: You expected me to read my mail?
Citibank
Toronto, Canada
Overheard by: Citi Slicker
3PM Or Something
Employee #1: Where is Great Britain?
Employee #2: I think it's a city in Scotland or something.
Toronto, Canada
9AM At Last We Learn How Howard the Duck Got Greenlighted
Writer: I told you that duck was evil.
Designer: I know.
Writer: But you kept trying to squeeze him in the layout anyway.
Designer: I know. He looked so tempting when I first saw him! But that duck was the spawn of Satan.
Writer: I told you he was a freak.
Designer: He lured me in!
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: I don't really want to know.
12PM Because I've Heard Stories About These 'Dingoes'
Employee on phone with child care center: Ummm, I don't know... do you have trouble with children escaping?
Canberra, Australia
Overheard by: the entire, amused office
1PM Thus, He Probably Overcharged for His Chuppahs
Employee #1: Well, we already live together.
Employee #2: Oooh, living in sin!
Employee #3: Jesus won't be happy with you.
Employee #1: Well, I'm Jewish, so Jesus already isn't too happy with me.
Employee #3: That's true.
Employee #1: I think when I get married under a chuppah, he might get upset!
Employee #2: Jesus was Jewish, though.
Employee #3: Jesus was also a carpenter.
1500 Broadway
New York, New York
11AM It's an L.A. County Law
Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.
North Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Jen
9AM In the Same Way That Humans Are Made of 'Long Pig'
Dad: What are birds made of?
Little girl: Chicken?
505 Broadway
Scottsbluff, Nebraska
Overheard by: Chicken soup
11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children
Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
12PM But on That Note, What's Your Availability?
Customer: Wow, you must be in high demand this time of year.
Employee: I guess so.
Customer: Oh, I meant the store. Not you.
Columbia, Maryland
Overheard by: party rental stores are no party
10AM One-Handed, Too
Customer: I know it sounds like my husband drinks too much, but he really doesn't.
Alcohol-company CSR: Hey, I talk about alcohol all day long. You can't shock me.
Customer: Well, I write erotica, so I talk about sex all day long!
Alcohol-company CSR: Really?
Customer: Yeah. I just turned in my manuscript today, but it was three weeks late. I keep telling my editor, "I don't write smut on demand!" But I write very good smut.
800 Market Street
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Easily Entertained
4PM Lifting, Puking, and Shooting: The Lloyd Roid Story
Designer: I can't find a photo to represent personal trainers. The only stock images we have are too creepy. Look kind of like an after-school special.
Writer: Like a molesting-kids after-school special? Or the kind about bulimia?
Designer: A cross between those and the ones about steroids.
Creative director: Oh. That sounds OK. Use whatever you guys have.
16340 North Scottsdale Road
Scottsdale, Arizona
9AM And Just Like That, the Headache Was Gone
Coworker #1: Will you come over and put a cold compress on my head?
Coworker #2: Sure, what do you want me to wear?
355 Park Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: BiPolar
12PM Made from 100% USDA Grade A Cops
Temp: All the food here is good, especially the bacon. I mean, this is real bacon, not the kind you buy at the store.
Culinary school
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: I'm surrounded by idiots
2PM Then Why Are You Selling It?
Cashier: Ma'am, you do realize there's a fire ban in effect that includes charcoal grills?
Customer: Oh, I thought that was only for the locals.
City Market
Buena Vista, Colorado
Overheard by: One of the locals
4PM You're Probably Going to Arrive at Your Point Soon, but the Rest of Us Don't Want to Be Here When You Do
Employee: My friend ate a penis once... but not in a sexual way. It was a Romanian specialty dish or something like that.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Overheard by: prefekt
3PM It Lost Its Virginity in Sixth Grade!
Blood drive participant: My blood is faster than your blood!
1924 Alcoa Highway
Knoxville, Tennessee
12PM She's One of Those Undercover Deafies
Grease monkey #1: That woman over there...
Grease monkey #2: Yeah?
Grease monkey #1: Is she deaf or something?
Grease monkey #2: Yeah, she's deaf.
Grease monkey #1: But she looks just like any other woman, yo!
Jiffy Lube, Rosecrans Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: BigWig
10AM EEOC's Favorite Kind of Testimony
Employee: OH, SOMEONE TOOK A PICTURE OF THE COCK AGAIN!... Only it doesn't have sunglasses anymore.
101 Hillpointe Drive
Canonsburg, Pennsylvania
9AM Won't They Need to Wait for Him to Get Back to Do That?
Employee #1: Is this Sammy's* or yours?
Employee #2: I think it's Sammy's.
Employee #1: I don't want to shuffle everything off to him since he's on vacation.
Employee #2: No, he's not here... let's screw him!
1400 Douglas Street
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: DB
3PM And Kindergartners Have Way Better Drugs
Mother: They're trying to hold him back again. He's been in preschool twice already. Preschoolers are dull and boring!
The Loop
Chicago, Illinois
2PM Bimbo Breakthrough
Bimbo #1: I gotta go, I can't be late to my class. It's important.
Bimbo #2: What class?
Bimbo #1: Sociology. And by important, I mean I'm probably going to fail it.
1000 University Place
Newport News, Virginia
5PM 'So Peaceful You Could Cut It with a Knife,' I Said
Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she's going to go get a knife.
1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Volks
1PM He'll Marry the First Girl Who Says 'Yes'
Sales chick, holding sales order: How big is this part? Can it go UPS or does it need a skid?
Warehouse guy: Oh, no, that one is real small. It could fit up my nose.
Sales chick: Um... OK, moving on... They asked for this part a week ago, so I'm going to have it ship today instead of with their large order. Thanks!
Warehouse guy, sticking finger up his nose: Are you sure you don't want to see how big it is?
8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina
4PM She's Either Got a Really Short Spine or Is Crouching on Her Heels
Male coworker: What are those? Are they thighs?
Female coworker: No, they're breasts. Ginormous breasts!
555 West 57th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Lindsay