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6AM Welcome to The Office
Boss: From now on, people, we're going to make Perfection our baseline.
The development team laughs.
Developer: Dude, whatever the fuck you've been reading, stop it.
1 Madison Avenue
New York, NY
Overheard by: Mad William Flint
9AM Pastriform Encephalopathy
Tech #1: I'm starving. I should live off of my excess fat, like a doughboy.
Tech #2: I've never seen the Pillsbury Doughboy eat. He's always right by food but never takes any.
Tech #1: Exactly... Hey, do you think if he ate a biscuit he would get the doughboy version of mad cow?
109 T.W. Alexander Drive
Durham, North Carolina
10AM Meeting at NewKink Development Corporation
Manager: So, can we finally take his picture off the home page?
Developer: What's the matter? Do you have something against nipples?
Manager: I don't even like the word 'nipples.' 'Butter,' that's another word I don't like.
Developer: You should meet a friend of mine. She doesn't like the word 'goggles'.
Centre St
New York
4PM They Revoked His Geek Credentials That Same Day
Office worker: I can't get into MAS. My codes aren't working.
Tech, after trying to enter codes: What the fuck? Now the numbers aren't even coming up.
Office worker, five minutes later: Uh, dude, you're using my calculator.
Tech: Son of a bitch!
Illinois
Overheard by: G$
11AM As Close to a Date as I.T. Guy Will Ever Get
I.T. desk guy: Can I help you?
Annoyed studentess: Is this where you're supposed to go to change your grades?
I.T. desk guy: Afraid not. You'll want to try Professor Lucifer. He's in office 666.
Annoyed studentess: Oh, okay. So that's on the sixth floor?
Aderhold Center, Georgia State University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iain M.
5PM God, I Love My Job
Engineer: It might be dangerous if it ignites, so I think I should heat it up to 600 degrees and see if it catches on fire.
1190 4th Street
Ontario, California
11AM And Mess with My Tried and True Regime of FreeCell and Internet Porn?
Exasperated IT guy #1: Don't you have something better to do?!
IT guy #2: Yeah, but I'm not going to do it.
390 Benmar Drive
Houston, Texas
10AM Application Performance Testing
Tester #1: This kinda seems like that Olivia Newton-John video for Let's Get Physical, don't you think?
Tester #2: No.
901 Lakeside Avenue
Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: mr.doitall
12PM Reboot Servers
Unix Admin #1: Hey [Garth], are you hung?
Unix Admin #2: Yeah, I would say that we all are.
8001 Development Drive
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
4PM Work on Server
Dev #1: Why would we ever deny the faculty access to Moodle?
Dev #2: We might have always cut the ends off a ham because our mom taught us to.
Dev #1: ...
1600 Clarkson Road
Chesterfield, Missouri
12AM Think of His Lungs Like Giant Beakers
Technician: Man, I gotta go grab a smoke. I've been upstairs mixing chemo for hours!
427 Victor Street
Lincolnton, North Carolina
Overheard by: Suzette Truesdell
11AM It's the Stooges, on Conference Call
Tech on phone: Hello, sir, I'm calling to-- Yes, hello, this is Aaron* from-- Yes, hello, I'm calling to verify an order you placed wi-- Don't say 'hello' again! I know you can hear me!
216 Mitch Lane
Hopkinsville, Kentucky
11AM Tonight on SportsChat: Wankers Talk Wanking
Designer: Gosh, I just hate when you're watching a porn and they cut to the guy's face. It's always such an unfortunate time. I should write a letter of complaint.
IT guy: Yeah, if you only had a free hand.
Leverington Avenue
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: JB
8AM "Tech support; can you help me?"
Techie #1: You know what's better than eating girl scout cookies?
Techie #2: Eating girl scouts?
Techie #1: Um, I was going to say, "eating girl scout cookies with milk".
Techie #2: Yeah, that's pretty good too.
Techie #1: You're a fucking sicko.
1 Wall Street
Madison, Connecticut
Overheard by: ^chi^
5PM Sorry, I Don't Bi That
Control room guy: I'm sorry, but if you get a hard-on from another guy, YOU'RE GAY. You can't just say you were just acting. DeNiro couldn't even act that well.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
2PM IT: It's Amazing How Often That Works
Worker on phone: Hi, Amy*, this is Emily* in editorial. Are you new back there?
IT chick: Yeah.
Worker: Okay, well, I'm having a problem with my phone. I just got a new phone with a caller ID screen on it, but when I get calls the screen is blank. Is there some button I have to push, or...?
IT chick: Well, why don't you try unplugging the phone and then plugging it back in. I'll stay on the line.
Worker: Um...
120 West 1st Avenue
Mesa, Arizona
Overheard by: Big Ideas
3PM Like You've Never Wondered?
Worker: Is the mailer-daemon a real person?
Tech: Really?
11766 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
10AM Monitor Calls
Accountant on speaker: Okay, I tried entering my password and it didn't work.
Tech: I reset it to "password."
Accountant on speaker: Okay, let me try my password again.
Tech: Make sure you type "password."
Accountant on speaker: It didn't work again.
Tech: Iou typed far too many letters for the word "password." Did you type in "password" as your password?
Accountant on speaker: Yu never told me to do that.
Tech: So what part of my sentance confused you: "Type in the word
'password' when it asks you for your password", or "I reset it for you, your password is now 'password.'"
Accountant on speaker: I have a CPA, don't talk to me like that.
Tech: I can make up acronyms too. I'll be in your office in five
minutes. In the meantime, ponder this one: I'm OMGWTF certified.
220 Woodbine Road
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
9AM Still Curious about the Gasoline, George?
Computer nerd: Last night I had to set my monkey on fire.
California State University
Northridge, California
Overheard by: Scott
12PM Unlike These Ammunition Rounds, Which Are Totally Still Live
X-ray machine attendant, picking stuffed panda up off belt: This one's dead... He didn't make it through the machine.
Airport
Los Angeles, California
10AM Arthur Murray Reconsiders His Business Plan
IT guy: What do you mean you've never shot a gun? You never made your friends dance by shooting at their feet?
915 Broadway
New York, New York
9AM Note to Self: Remove Foot from Mouth. Insert Banana.
IT guy #1: Oops, I dropped my banana.
IT guy #2: Well, that's the great thing about peelable fruit -- the inside is safe.
IT guy #1: Yeah, you can put it anywhere.
555 W 112th Avenue
Northglenn, Colorado
5PM That's a Wrap
Tech support: Can you tell if it's an Ethernet cable or a phone cable?
Customer: How do I tell?
Tech support: Well, if you hold it up to the cable attached to your phone and you look at the plug, if it looks the same, you've got a phone cable. If it's bigger, it's probably Ethernet.
Customer: Oh cool. Let me look.
Tech support: WAIT! [dial tone]
711 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts
12PM Call Tech Support
Tech Support Technician: Okay...go ahead and open up the internet.
777 S. Figueroa Street
Los Angeles, California
4PM The More Meetings We Have to Improve Things, the Worse Things Get
Tech manager: The sales manager cannot take that complaint call because he is preparing to go to a CRM meeting.
Tech supervisor: What is CRM?
Tech manager: Customer relations management.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that?
Tech manager: Well, they are having this meeting so that this sort of problem doesn't happen.
Tech supervisor: Can you see the irony in that, too?
Houston, Texas
9AM Me Neither. Isn't Advertising Cool?
Art director: Don't you have to be educated to do your job?
IT guy: Nope.
11 E 26th Street
New York, New York
Overheard by: Jeremy
9AM Learn to See Delay as a Gift of Time
Tech: Are you all set on the pdf server now?
Client: Yes, I think so. Is it supposed to be so fugging slow uploading pdfs onto the ftp site?
Tech: Yup! That's a feature.
Client: Neat. Thanks.
111 South 1st Avenue
Wausau, Wisconsin
2PM That's What You Said about Auto Theft
Tech steward: Daniel Radcliffe -- I'd rob that cradle.
Receptionists: Ewww!
Tech steward: Whatever. He's legal in Britain.
22nd and Walnut Streets
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Emily G
9AM Like My Wedding
IT guy: Someone better jump out of a cake later and scream, 'Gender surprise'!
Silverlake, California
3PM Honey Bunches of Retrovirus
Tech #1: Did you see this consumer complaint? "Your cereal gave me herpes and AIDS." I guess we're giving out AIDS as a special promotion.
Tech #2: We're putting blood in the product now?
Tech #1: Knowing this place, more likely it's semen.
901 East Whitmore
Modesto, California
Overheard by: Changing my breakfast plans
4PM No Matter What, Dick Cheney's In!
IT guy #1: What is boxing day, anyway?
IT guy #2: Well, I Wikipedia-ed it and could only gather that it either has to do with killing birds, beating up servant girls, or selling off Christmas stuff nobody wants.
650 Park Avenue
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dani
11AM Sure, Hog the Brain Damage
Lab tech finding other scientists spraying glue: Ahhh! Free isocyanates!
Scientist: Get out of here!
Rockland, Maryland
Overheard by: Chemdork
11AM Process Orders for 10 New Monitors (?)
Computer Technician: Wow, it's amazing what kind of difference a couple of inches can make...Have you seen [Ben]'s?
The other technicians burst out laughing.
Computer Technican: I meant his new 19" monitor. Grow up.
1035 64th Avenue SE
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
9AM Actually, That's What Happened to My Ankles
Sales guy: How can you sit like that? It's disgusting.
Information specialist: I have weak ankles. I'm sorry I disgust you.
Sales guy: You don't disgust me, just the way you sit. Besides, you're always making fun of my women.
Information specialist: Say, do you have one of those auto-lifts in your bedroom?
Sales guy: I see what you're saying. Because I like big women.
Information specialist: I mean, in case you get pinned or something.
Sales guy: Funny thing is, I know how to maneuver one of those, from a previous job.
Information specialist: I'll take that as a yes.
Washington DC
2PM Dear Diary, My Plan Worked! Off to Buy Tequila.
Tech director to stagehand in pink jacket: Okay, new rule -- you can come to work drunk, but you can't dress up.
Washington Park
Albany, New York
10AM Send Intern Out for New Equipment
IT: My vibrator doesn't work; I think it's worn out...On my phone! On my phone! The vibrate function on my phone doesn't work! Oh, god.
140 Research Boulevard
Madison, Alabama
Overheard by: map ref 41n 93w
10AM Tech Support
Tech on phone: Okay, go ahead and type in your password...Yep, just type it in...In the password field...Just type it...With your keyboard...Should be right in front of you... Has letters on it...Great!
3601 SW Murray Boulevard
Beaverton, Oregon
Overheard by: onebadwebmonkey
4PM Restock Printer
Office worker: The paper coming out of the printer is really hot! It's never been that hot before. Can we do something to cool it down?
Tech: Oh, I forgot! I put the summer paper in there! I'll switch to the winter paper! Give me 10 minutes.
1700 Palm Beach Lakes Boulevard
West Palm Beach, Florida
5PM Don't Have an AutoFit
Tech support assisting with Excel: Whoa! No, no, no, no! I said I was going to adjust your columns, not kill you!
Trilegiant office
Trumbull, Connecticut
Overheard by: Redfox Alpha
5PM It's Clogged! Get the Plunger!
Tech #1: Have you read the email from the project managers?
Tech #2: Yes, I have. Would you like to create the reply?
Tech #1: Are you asking me to flush out the stupid?
Research Triangle Park, North Carolina
3PM Well, You Guys Are the Engineers, So If You Say It Needs to Be Made out of Platinum...
Tech: So do you think that we should go for this project?
Boss: Absolutely. The client is ridiculously stupid, but they are open-minded.
Bishopsgate, London
Overheard by: whyamIhere?
4PM Now You've Gone and Spoiled the Ending
Scientist: What are the goals of this management plan?
Project manager: The goal is to come up with a plan to manage the system, but we are not authorized to actually manage anything.
Scientist: So the goal of this meeting is really an excuse for you to draw on the white board and act important?
3301 Gun Club Road
West Palm Beach, Florida
2PM Well, Sir, That's Really What the Back Colon Is For
IT guy: So you don't want everyone to have access?
Boss: I just don't want anyone to be able to type slash, back colon, or whatever, and the system goes for a shite.
IT guy: Ya.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Define Back Colon
9AM It's Too Early for This
Woman: There's something wrong with my computer. There are satellites
and things floating around! Why did you work on my computer? I thought you were done. I have to get my work done! Do you know what you are doing! Fix it!
IT gal: Okay, let me see. I did not work on your system today, let me
look.
Mouse click.
IT gal: ...It's the screensaver.
4411 Beacon Circle
West Palm Beach, Florida
3PM Review: Lacks Intuition
Tech #1: Phew! I just spent hours grabbing screenshots to show the manager what I've been doing.
Tech #2: Umm... You know he's blind, right?
Tech #1: So... I should send a note instead?
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: Not involved - really!
5PM That's a Wrap
Customer: Is Office 2003 the latest version of Office that's out?
Salesperson: Yeah, they most likely won't come out with a new version until Vista is released, which should be about the end of the year.
Customer: What's that?
Salesperson: Vista?
Customer: Yeah, Rista? What is that? Is that the new Office?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the new operating system that's coming out. Last I heard Microsoft was planning to release it near the end of this year.
Customer: Microsoft's going to sell computers now?
Salesperson: No, Vista is the operating system that gets installed on computers. It's what makes your computer run.
Customer: Oh, yeah, I knew that already. Are you going to be carrying Microsoft's new computers?
Willard Building
State College, Pennsylvania
10AM Control Room
Database administrator #1: You can either spend half a day showing them how to do it and another three weeks constantly answering questions, or you can just take half an hour and write the code for them.
Database administrator #2: Well, we should teach them how to fish instead of just feeding them every day!
Database administrator #1: You can teach them how to fish, but they still won't know how to write code.
880 Carillon Parkway
St. Petersburg, Florida
8AM "So long as you don't upload a virus."
Technician: Hi, can I get under your desk for a second to look at your box?
1440 Broadway
New York, NY
5PM He Hit the "Escape" Key and Exploded
Programmer: Does anyone want a free, almost clean keyboard?
Tech support peon: Not until you tell us what you just 'almost cleaned' off of it.
Programmer: Jeff*.
Tech support peon: Uhhh, no thanks.
Islington, London
England