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12PM Mainstreaming Dung-Beetle-Americans in the Public Schools May Have Been a Mistake
Teacher #1: I can't teach this kid anymore.
Teacher #2: Why?
Teacher #1: He can't keep his hands out of his pants.
Teacher #2: So?
Teacher #1: Look, do I have to spell it out? He doesn't know the difference between shit and food.
Teacher #2: Oh my god, I'm gonna barf.
Teacher #1: Not around this kid. He might thinks it's a snack.
3035 Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: don't want to eat the food
4PM No, But Seriously, You've Gotta Clean Up That Blood
Teacher #1, to teacher #2: I like my vagina the way it is, I wouldn't change a thing about it.
Aberfoyle Park High School, Taylors Road East
Aberfoyle Park, South Australia
Overheard by: Megan
2PM Plus, Their Prior Behavior Had Been Exemplary
Professor: Does anyone have questions about the importance of the flood myth in the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh?
Student: Well, when it flooded and everything died, what happened to all the fish?
Professor: Well, it was a flood... So I think they were okay...
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Stared in disbelief
10AM We'll Gladly Accept Deliveries at the Back Door
Principal over loudspeaker: We're looking for someone to give us wood.
4 Robert Holcomb Way
Plainville, Connecticut
Overheard by: for a good cause
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
4PM Hey, Academic Freedom Isn't Free
Professor: ... And so, if X equals three, then Y--- [loud commotion out in the hall] ... I've been a little jumpy ever since this one time when I got stabbed in class by a student.
Norfolk, Virginia
Overheard by: thinking about transferring
2PM Sure, Just Pop Them an Email
Professor #1: I need some furniture for my new house, but everything here is so weird and expensive.
Professor #2: You should go up to Pennsylvania. The Amish hand-make very nice furniture, and it's not that bad price-wise.
Professor #1: The Amish... okay. Do they deliver?
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
1PM It Was Riding the Deer
Teacher #1: My dad hit a deer once!
Teacher #2: Oh, really?! Did it die?
Teacher #1: Yeah, and it totally wrecked the car, too.
Teacher #2: My dad hit a cow!
Teacher #1: Oh... Well, my dad hit a whale!
Bexhill College
England
Overheard by: Corinne
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
3PM I'm Just a Sub and Usually Teach Calculus
History professor after a long explanation: But I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, though.
University of Tulsa, 600 South College Avenue
Tulsa, Oklahoma
3PM She Unwittingly Picked Her Career on 'Opposite Day'
Very pregnant elementary school teacher: God, I hate screaming kids!
1 Raider Circle
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Fellow Teacher
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM A Dream: Curdled
High school girl: I'm gonna name a cheese after you, Mr. L.*!
Mr. L.: If you actually had the power to do that, I'd be very flattered.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
3PM That Was the Moment We Could Have Turned Back from the Brink
Student: So, now we have an extra microscope. Could we return it and get credit from the company?
Professor: Let's sell it on the black market and use the money for a really big party!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
11AM Then He'd Play with Them in His Crib
Disgruntled boy: ... And they put the birth control education flyer up on my locker! My locker! I'm pretty sure that violates--
Overeager Spanish teacher, popping up from behind desk: --Oh! Oh! My mother used to put condoms under my brother's pillow! We all called her the 'Birth Control Fairy'!
High school
Livingston, Montana
Overheard by: Finally appreciates the tooth fairy
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
4PM I Nodded Off During the Part About the Rain Forests
Gay drama teacher: We're going to McDonald's, did you want us to pick something up for you?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I don't eat there.
Gay drama teacher: Why, because of the movie Supersize Me?
Hippie guitar teacher: No, I stopped eating there ever since they started cutting down the rain forests to make room for more cow pastures for their meat.
Gay drama teacher: So... then, you don't want McDonalds?
1311 E Katella Ave
Orange, California
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
3PM The Art of the Blue Job
Painting professor: I paint for people who look at art. Like, my mom will look at this and go, 'Oh, I like the blue.' And I don't have to explain to my mother that this is actually about some weird sex thing I did.
Providence, Rhode Island
11AM Too Bad We're Really More about Following Orders
Professor to group of peers grading cadet exams: Wow, now this kid's going to grow up to be a serial killer.
US Military Academy, West Point
Highland Falls, New York
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
8AM How Quickly This Submission Went from Droll to Chilling
Teacher: ...yeah, they outnumber us thirty to one and we're not allowed to carry stun guns.
6307 Orchard Beach Road
Cheboygan, Michigan
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
1PM ... Instead of Just the FBI and Major League Baseball
Professor: Someone hacked into the university's website, and now the Russian mafia has all of your information.
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Colleen
2PM What about Hawaii?
Teacher-in-training #1: Did you know Alaska isn't an island?
Teacher-in-training #2: Um... Yes...
Teacher-in-training #1: Oh. 'Cause I just found out yesterday.
Lansing, Michigan
1PM Close... It's Actually Global LUKEwarming
Professor: You will have those students that don't show up to class or office hours, or that don't care about their grades. What causes this?
TA: Global warming?
University of Texas
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: underpaid TA
9AM He Learned Science in Kansas
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, 'So, are these minerals... are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there...? Like, in the real world?'
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
3PM All That Is Covered in the Illustrated Syllabus
Teacher: Okay, so now that you know the basic rules of the computer lab, I have to ask you one more question... Do any of you ever check out the NMBLA website? [Silence.] Well I do, frequently. I want to know who the enemy is. Also, I like to look at the new Russian brides on Fridays.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Cupcake1
2PM Yeah, Fascism Does Have Its Charms
Teacher: You should all go back in time to where I would walk in the room and you all stand up and say, 'Hello, Professor M*!'
Student: And women shouldn't have the right to vote!
Newton, Massachusetts
5PM Plus, It's the Clearest Dramatization of the Effect of Reaganomics That I Know
Economics professor: Kick me in the rear. I like it.
University of Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: my attention span is price inelastic
2PM Nah, Nobody Anywhere Cares What You Say
Professor: A modern example of the peasant revolt of 1381 are the anti-poll tax riots that took place under Margaret Thatcher. She refused to work with the public, and it brought down her government. We should take a lesson from this... I hope there are no microphones in here.
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Hopes There Aren't
12AM The Definition of Unionism
Teacher: Am I going to have a job here next school year?
Principal: Only if you want to work at a school where you're not welcome.
419 East 66th Street
New York, NY
11AM When Collies Are Mainstreamed at Public Universities
Professor: Girls, you have got to stop humping!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
2PM Why Kiwi Teachers Smell
Teacher #1: I think I should just become a hooker.
Teacher #2: Yeah, but think of the all the washing you would have to do.
New Zealand
11AM Built-in Redundancies
Professor: I remember that wonderful object my mother used to stick in me. [Class is silent for a moment, then hysterical.] The thermometer! One up top and one in [motions to his ass]!
Aurora, Illinois
4PM Call Repairman--again
Teacher: Fix the photocopier, it's not working.
Secretary: What did you do to it?
Teacher: Nothing, it's just jammed, unjam it.
Secretary: Oh my god, what is that smell...what did you do?
Teacher: Nothing.
Secretary: Did you put transparencies in here? Oh my god, you did! Dude! You can't do that! They'll melt! This is a colour photocopier.
Teacher: I wanted colour transparencies.
Secretary: You are so demoted to mimeograph!
557 Church Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
11AM More of a Tax Shelter with a Police Force
Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that connected the Earth and the moon if there were no more gravity?
Student #1: 10 inches?
Student #2: Five miles?
Student #3: No, way bigger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Student #1: Damn.
Student #2: Ha! I was right!
Student #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Student #2: Okay, that's more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?
Staples High School
Westport, Connecticut
11AM Professor Prospero Is Interdisciplinary to a Fault
Grad student presenter: ... So we think that the protein might be diffusing.
Professor: Well, according to the dream I had last night, that couldn't happen.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
11AM Nope, Sold Them to the Gypsies to Pay the Bills
Student: Mrs. Smith*, do you have any kids?
Mrs. Smith: No, I don't have children.
Student: Did somebody steal them?
1212 Cheyenne Boulevard
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Sheri
10AM Rent Mean Girls and Adjust the Contrast?
Teacher #1: I really need a video to show my kids after they finish their final. Do you have one I could borrow?
Teacher #2: Oh? Well, let's see... What were you thinking about?
Teacher #1: Have anything with angsty kids? Oooh, especially angsty black kids? They love those.
Alabama
Overheard by: Saving the drama for my momma
11AM Never Lose Bets to Your Children
Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
9AM But You'd Only Be Prosecuted for the Former
College student: So, if you stab someone and then stand there and watch them bleed to death, are you killing them or letting them die?
Logic professor: Well, I guess you would accomplish both.
Middle Tennessee State University
Murfreesboro, Tennessee
12PM Now, for Your Homework, Copy Page 49 of the Textbook
Biology professor: You can't just come up with your own hypotheses!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
5PM That Flogger Really Brings Out Your Eyes
Teacher: If you wish to have a discussion, raise your hand and I will call on you if you are worthy enough.
Student: I love you?
140 Brandies Road
Newton, Massachusetts
10AM Sorry, Feminist Theory Is Down the Hall
Professor: So, you see how within Foucault's understanding power always returns, because it is in the very organization of our thoughts?
Student in back row: Those sons of bitches!
2001 Main Street
Buffalo, New York