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5PM ... And She Lives in Nepal
Student: If I put more stamps on it, will it go faster? My sister's birthday is tomorrow.
Middlebury College Mail Center
Middlebury, Vermont
Overheard by: Disgruntled Mail Worker
2PM Plus, Their Prior Behavior Had Been Exemplary
Professor: Does anyone have questions about the importance of the flood myth in the Bible and the Epic of Gilgamesh?
Student: Well, when it flooded and everything died, what happened to all the fish?
Professor: Well, it was a flood... So I think they were okay...
Skidmore College
Saratoga Springs, New York
Overheard by: Stared in disbelief
1PM He's Got a Business Model on the Tip of His Tongue
Student #1: I had a real question! I really wanted to know the answer, and he acted like it was a joke.
Student #2: So. what was the question?
Student #1: How does a blind person know when they're done wiping?
Student #2: ... What, there's no punch line?
Student #1: That's what my teacher asked, but I really want to know the answer -- it's a valid question!
Student #2: Well, I'll ask my uncle next time I see him.
Elevator, Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
5PM Everyone Was Relieved When Emo the Magnificent Finally Checked Out
Professor: It smells like fall, doesn't it?
Student: It smells like depressing cold and the inevitable onset of winter.
Brandeis University
Waltham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I didn't smell anything
4PM Specifically, Vinegar and Onion Pringles
White girl: So, what do you mean you guys don't have stockings on Christmas?
Hispanic girl: Spanish people's Christmas is more about expensive electronic gifts.
White girl: I just don't understand -- you also use all new decorations every year.
Hispanic girl: Yeah, we don't really do tradition well.
White girl: Spanish people are weird.
Black girl: Yeah, well, white girls smell like potato chips.
789 Howard Avenue
New Haven, Connecticut
11AM As Close to a Date as I.T. Guy Will Ever Get
I.T. desk guy: Can I help you?
Annoyed studentess: Is this where you're supposed to go to change your grades?
I.T. desk guy: Afraid not. You'll want to try Professor Lucifer. He's in office 666.
Annoyed studentess: Oh, okay. So that's on the sixth floor?
Aderhold Center, Georgia State University
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Iain M.
5PM Judging by Your Lower Back Tattoo
Bimbette: Yeah, my dad bought me this really great promise ring for my birthday.
Teacher: Isn't it a little too late?
High school
San Diego, California
1PM One That Can Be Cured by Exorcise
Sorority girl in Spanish class: 'Diabolico...' That means he's diabetic, right?
Classmate: No, it means diabolic.
Sorority girl: So, diabolic... Is that like a medical condition?
Modern Languages building, University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
9AM Damn Health Code
Little boy looking at stuffed animal: Look, Mommy, it's the monkey that comes out of your butt!
Mother: Yes, it's the monkey that flies out of your ass. That's why we're not going back to Chuck E. Cheese's.
Learning Express
Exton, Pennsylvania
10AM Come to Think of it, it Does Smell Incredibly Fuzzy and Cute in Here
Student: It kinda smells like bunnies.
Supervisor: What?
Student: Yeah, bunnies. Haven't you ever smelled bunnies?
Supervisor: Uh, no, I don't go around sniffing rodents usually. And besides, I'm congested, so all I'm smelling today is boogers.
1145 E. South Campus Drive
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Rasputin
12PM I Have Good News
Philosophy student: Basically, all I really want is to survive until I die.
Bucknell University
Lewisburg, Pennsylvania
12PM So Sometimes Yes, Sometimes No
Art teacher: So, we'll just add some black to this painting...
Girl: Hunter, isn't black your favorite color?
Boy: It's the color of my soul.
High school, 700 Broadway
Nashville, Tennessee
12PM There's Nothing That Can't Be Accomplished Through Sex and Dishonesty
Coed #1: He had told me not to do anything special for his birthday. He said to forget he was having a birthday at all. But then he came over, and I could tell that he was down.
Coed #2: Because it was his birthday, and he was thirty.
Coed #1: Yeah.
Coed #2: And he's dating an eighteen-year-old.
Coed #1: Shut up. So then we had sex? And it wasn't, like, the most amazing time, but I faked it. But, like, really over the top? And he was happy the rest of the day!
University & College Avenues
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: over 30
12PM They're So Cute When They're Young
Boy piano student #1, pencil poised under buttocks: Dare me to sit on this?
Boy piano student #2: You'll hurt your testicles.
Girl piano student: Guess what? Dr. Evil's dad made him shave his testicles!
Boy piano student #2: But testicles don't grow hair.
Piano studio
Florida
5PM Donnie Only Pretends to Take the Ritalin
Giftie #1: 'Quixotic' is so the best word you can make in Scrabble.
Giftie #2: It is not. The best is-- Oooh! Ice cream truck!
Bayview and Eglinton Avenue
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
3PM When You Get to the Skin, Stop!
Old lady to young guy during naked model drawing class: Stop undressing her with your eyes!
553 Aspicuelta
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: the model
12PM The Proper Medical Term Is 'Gazinta'
Cheerleader: What's that muscle called? My 'gunna'?
Coach: What? Your gunna? What are you talking about?
Cheerleader, pointing to her groin: My gunna, it hurts.
Coach: You mean your groin?
Cheerleader: Yeah, my gunna hurts.
Coach: Jesus.
610 W 4th Street
Buchanan, Michigan
Overheard by: and this is my future?
4PM I Know It's True for Me, at Least
Head trainer: Let's face it, if you could be all that you could be, you wouldn't be working here...
Class: [Silence.]
Trainee #1: [Applause.]
Trainees #2 and #3: [Applause.]
Mutual of America, 320 Park Avenue
New York, New York
5PM A Dream: Curdled
High school girl: I'm gonna name a cheese after you, Mr. L.*!
Mr. L.: If you actually had the power to do that, I'd be very flattered.
West Santa Clara Street
Arcadia, California
Overheard by: The Know It All
9AM Wrong on So Many Levels
Male law student #1: In chambers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison somebody is going to make them their bitch.
Male law student #2: So he said they'd pretty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law student #1: Yeah, pretty much.
Male law student #2: God, that'd be horrible.
Female law student #1: Unless you were gay. Then it'd be like heaven!
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Attaboy Finch
2PM No, for You, Dad. You've Got to Cut Back on the Krispy Kremes
14-year-old girl: Hi, I need a 36 double-D bra with no underwire and no padding.
11-year-old brother: Yeah! No padding!
Redneck dad: Son... Are you fixin' to buy one of them things for yourself?
Victoria's Secret, Apple Blossom Mall
Winchester, Virginia
Overheard by: Joanna
3PM That Was the Moment We Could Have Turned Back from the Brink
Student: So, now we have an extra microscope. Could we return it and get credit from the company?
Professor: Let's sell it on the black market and use the money for a really big party!
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
1PM As in Blue-Footed, You Pervs
Kid #1: Number five is A, as in 'asshole.'
Teacher: No, number five is B, as in...
Kid #2: Bastard!
Teacher: No, B as in 'booby.'
High school
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: oh my
11AM Then He'd Play with Them in His Crib
Disgruntled boy: ... And they put the birth control education flyer up on my locker! My locker! I'm pretty sure that violates--
Overeager Spanish teacher, popping up from behind desk: --Oh! Oh! My mother used to put condoms under my brother's pillow! We all called her the 'Birth Control Fairy'!
High school
Livingston, Montana
Overheard by: Finally appreciates the tooth fairy
11AM Or at Least According to My Dramatic Reconstruction of the Evening
Hung-over guy on cell: I'm telling you, I didn't rape her! She said we could have sex, right before she passed out.
On way to class
Virginia
Overheard by: I wanted to follow him and keep listening
1PM If You Can Develop This Thesis, You'll Get an A
Poli-Sci professor: John Locke said, 'In the beginning, all the world was America.' What did he mean by this?
Student: Continental drift?
University of British Columbia
Canadia
1PM God: I Actually Can't Stand Watching People Chew
Dude #1: I have a massive penis.
Dude #2: Dude, you don't even have pubes!
Dude #1: Want me to pull one out?
Dude #3: Do you have no shame?! Do you think God stops watching you at the lunch table?! And, Coco, you know you have an average-size penis.
Gaston Christian School, 1222 North Hope Road
Gastonia, North Carolina
9AM I Think She's Good for at Least Two or Three Short Marriages
College girl #1: I was talking with my dad about it over break, and he said I really shouldn't worry about it because 90 percent of women get married. But if you think about it, that really isn't a lot. I mean, what if I'm part of that 10 percent?
College girl #2: Well, that probably includes lesbians, though.
College girl #1: Yeah! That's right! And disabled people!
Whitehead Road
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: Did she really say that?
12PM Kid, There's What You Know, and Then There's What You Can Prove
Third grader: Teacher, Tameka* is being nasty.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Third grader: I asked Eric* to use his dictionary, and she started laughing.
Teacher: Which means...?
Third grader: She was thinking something nasty.
Teacher: You mean, you can read her mind?
Third grader: I don't know how to explain...
Teacher: Did she say anything out loud?
Third grader: No, but she was thinking nasty stuff.
2351 East Redwood Road
Ceres, California
Overheard by: an observing teacher
4PM An Unexamined Life Not Being Worth Living
Student: You look very excited.
Professor: Yeah, 'cause I just peed!
Rolfe Hall, UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
4PM Excuse Me, Do You Carry Lead Condoms?
Student studying energy, to another: Do you think this a controlled or uncontrolled nuclear erection?
International School of Milan
Milan
Itlay
5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?
Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...
470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: pledging
3PM Ann Coulter Comes to Her Senses
Blonde seeing Hitler in documentary: Ewww! He's such a dickhead.
University of California Irvine
Irvine, California
Overheard by: orangepenguino
11AM That Certainly Gives You More Career Choices
30-something coworker to staff member's nephew: So, you can get weapons... Can you also cast spells and do magic?
Nephew, playing a medieval computer game: Yeah. That's called 'Religion.' Some people get really into religion, but I don't. I just like killing stuff.
University of Sydney office
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Wil Dog
1PM That Means It Likes You
Student handing back professor evaluation: Sorry about the goo -- it's just from when my computer oozes, you know--
TA: --Your computer oozes? That doesn't sound like a good thing...
Student: No, it only oozes when it's hot!
1156 High Street
Santa Cruz, California
10AM Why Professors Drink.
Professor: So, what did you think of the reading?
Student: Well, when I read the first part, I was like, 'Dang!'
Professor: Um...
Student: And when I read the last part, I was like, 'Dang! I mean, dang!'
University of North Texas
Denton, Texas
12PM Probably Some Sort of Throw Pillow
Student: What is this bit?
Professor: Which bit?
Student: The kinda-purplish, squishy bit.
Professor, to assistant: Do you know what that is?
Assistant: No.
Professor, to student: That's not important. You can ignore that.
USC Anatomy lab
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kylie
5PM Especially When it Leaks out the Hole in my Side
Student: Ooooh, grape juice! I love drinking grape juice. It makes me feel like Jesus.
Eastern Kentucky University Dining Commons
Richmond, Kentucky
2PM Can We Say I'm in St. Tropez?
Teen boy: I want you to keep writing for the school newspaper. You can be our foreign correspondent!
Teen girl: Foreign? I'm not foreign just because I left the school.
Teen boy: Yes, you are. You're so far now.
Teen girl: I'm on the other side of Scarborough, and you're saying I might as well be in Bolivia!
Teen boy: We can say you are, if you want.
Ontario Universities' Fair, Metro Toronto Convention Centre
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: made me laugh
5PM And Let's Face It, You Don't Have Much Going for You besides Your Looks
Girl #1: He is so shallow!
Girl #2: Not at all, why would you say that?
Girl #1: 'Cause he's attracted to you.
3535 Monroe Drive
South Bay, California
10AM Some Guys Give You the Coke Directly
Chick: 'Cause, you know, if you're fucking a guy and you need, say, 10 or 20 dollars, he should give it to you, no questions asked.
880 Roosevelt Boulevard
St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Norcross
1PM He Hates It When You Use 'Abomination'
Student #1: I thought Dan* hated it when you used the word 'retarded.'
Student #2: No, Jen* is retarded, Dan is gay.
6450 South Fiddlers Green Circle
Greenwood Village, Colorado
Overheard by: Toddd
9AM He Learned Science in Kansas
Male geology TA: So yeah, I had this student in lab today who asked me, 'So, are these minerals... are these, like, things that can be found, like, out there...? Like, in the real world?'
Female grad student: What? Really?
Male geology TA: Yeah, it just blew his mind that this stuff actually existed in the real world.
Geoscience department, University of Iowa
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: another grad student
1PM Yes, but Here Instead of Stars We Have Purple Horseshoes
Trainer: You like the weather out here?
New girl: Yeah, it's really dry... And, um, weird for directions and stuff, you know? Like, does the sun set in the west out here, too?
Trainer: Uh, yeah.
Phoenix, Arizona
2PM But Are You Sassy?
Pudgy girl #1: No, it's called 'Plus-Sized Models.'
Pudgy girl #1: Shut up! We fat, girl!
10 Perthshire Road
Brighton, Massachusetts
2PM Yeah, Fascism Does Have Its Charms
Teacher: You should all go back in time to where I would walk in the room and you all stand up and say, 'Hello, Professor M*!'
Student: And women shouldn't have the right to vote!
Newton, Massachusetts
2PM He Prefers Rooms with Lots of Light
Student: I hate going to the weight room. Those weights are heavy.
School
Texas
Overheard by: dan
5PM Hobo: I Was Researching Adult Entertainment Law!
Student: This place is nice.
Employee: Yeah, it's really peaceful until the homeless guys look at porn on the Internet and they have to call the cops.
Student: Does that happen a lot?
Employee: Yeah. What else do they have to do?
Law Library, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
11AM I Won't Even Sleep with a Man Who's Had Braces
Grad student: I'm just incapable of mounting anything remotely straight.
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat