2PM If He's Gonna Kill Me, I'm Going for Broke

Lady with sick cat: My husband is going to kill me if I spend any more money on this cat.
Man with dog: That's sad that you're married to someone that's like that. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my pets.
Lady with sick cat: You want to go get a beer after this?

Jersey Avenue
Port Jervis, New York

12AM Paging Donald Trump

A bagel left unattended in a microwave sets off the fire alarms. The microwave, charred and smoking, is carried outside and is placed on the sidewalk.

Fireman: Is this the object that started the fire?
Office Worker: No. When we take a break, it takes a break.

626 Thayer Road
West Point, New York

2PM They Prefer to Be Called...Um... Something Different This Year

Older woman #1: What are you going to do while you're here?
Young man: Oh, I'm gonna shop like a mofo!
Older woman #1: Mofo? What is that?
Older woman #2: What does that mean?
Young man: Uh...it, uh...means I'm gonna shop a lot!
Older woman #2: Oh...Is that a Negro term?

Victoria, British Columbia
Canadia

Overheard by: J. Max

10AM They Failed to Change the Filter, Though

Lawyer: So, you can recall that you've had at least one abortion.
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: So, was this an overnight procedure or something like an outpatient procedure?
Witness: Oh, it was in and out -- just like changing oil.
Court reporter: [Gasps.]

Norfolk, Virginia

12PM Right from the Start, It's Been a Hard Job

White shirt: Who is in charge of the build here?
Blue shirt: I am in charge of getting it up.
White shirt: Okay, so you're the erection supervisor.

5760 East Highway 80
Pearl, Mississippi

Overheard by: Brain Dancing

3PM But When It Comes to Self-Abuse, Nothing Tops Alcohol and Baccarat

Grandma to stranger: Meth is way worse than heroin.
Granddaughter: What?
Grandma: Oh. Ummm, nothing, honey... Nevermind. Aren't we here to gamble and drink?

Caesars, Indiana

Overheard by: Fatty

5PM She's Adopted, So It Isn't His Fault

Guy: I'm looking for my daughter. She was going to meet us at McDonalds, but it's closed, so I need to tell her.
Woman: Oh, is she a very pretty girl?
Guy: Not really.
Woman: Oh.

1535 Bacharach Boulevard
Atlantic City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Lauren

4PM Sadly, Brad Never Graduated from the Simulator

Dude: Are you looking at pictures of naked women again?
Man: What kind of stupid question is that?
Dude: Yeah, sorry.
Man: Why don't you ask me what I'm breathing? 'Breathing some air there, huh? Boy, you sure do like your air.'
Dude: Yeah, I know, sorry. Hey -- that one's pretty.
Man: Tell me about it.

Starbucks
New York, New York

10AM Whatever. Distract Him While I Get the Rope

Exasperated meeting contact: I think the temp I hired is mildly retarded, so I'm going to need your help with this.
Concierge: My mother drank and smoked while pregnant with me.

Penn and Liberty Avenues
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

10AM Just Put It on the Table and Back Away

Englishman: Can I have a tablespoon, please?
Puzzled waitress: Is that a spoon?

University and 30th Street
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Zombie

11AM I'm Also a Little Unclear on This 'Hat' Concept

Woman: My boyfriend wants the Florida Marlins hat with the swordfish through the 'F.'
Man: You mean the marlin through the 'F'?
Woman: What's a marlin?

Charlestown, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Taylor

5PM Are We Done Sharing Now?

Distracted sexy woman: I'm in room 7439*.
Bellman: I'm happily married.

Hotel and casino
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Laurence Crews

9AM As All Brooklyn Welfare Mothers Know, Nails Are More Important than Parenting

Ghetto woman: I'm only here because I got a gift certificate. I hate Manhattan. I never come here. I can't stand it. Everyone is just so rude. All the time. So rude. I would never be able to keep my mouth shut to some of these people.
Nail technician: Where do you work?
Ghetto woman: Over here, at sixth and 23rd. I hate it though. That's why I live out in the county.
Nail technician: Oh! Where do you live?
Ghetto woman: Brooklyn. Tommy! Sit still in that chair for godsakes!!

14th St & 6th Ave
New York City

Overheard by: seriously?

5PM What about That Joe Pesci Movie?

Pledge drive volunteer: Would you like to pledge to fight hunger and homelessness?
College guy: No thanks, man.
Pledge drive volunteer: How about pledging to make higher education more affordable?
College guy: Dude, homeless people don't even go to college...

470 West 7th Street
Bloomington, Indiana

Overheard by: pledging

10AM Dating Tip #493: If You Open with a Lie, Be Prepared with Another Lie to Back It Up

Woman to suit looking at a travel magazine: I've been there.
Suit: Oh, yeah? Where is that?
Woman: I don't know.

Reagan National Airport
Arlington, Virginia

6AM He Learned This the Hard Way

Tenant: You know, it has been so nice outside, I wish we had windows that would open.
Building manager: Yeah, me too, but if we did, everyone would be jumping out of them to kill themselves.

270 Park Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: JB

4PM Christmas Party (Cont'd)

Agent #1: Why is that dog wearing a "W" on its head?
Agent #2: That's not a "W"; it's obviously an "M." It's just upside down.
Bystander: Um...those are reindeer antlers.

7145 SE 21st Avenue
Portland, Oregon

10AM Disingenuousness Is Part Of My Professional Persona

Receptionist, on phone: Ocean View* Escrow
Processor: Darlene* please.
Receptionist: She's on the other line. Would you like to hold?
Processor: I'd love to.
Receptionist: Really?
Processor: Not big on sarcasm, are you?

1950 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Matt

2PM The New Racism

Man: Why are you allowing a day spa? I didn't think you allowed day spas in this town. When you have day spas you attract people who get facials, and we don't want those kinds of people in this town!

Redlands City Hall
Redlands, California

2PM Get Out the Bear Mace, Sweetie

Passenger: My daughter is burning that DVD for you. I'll drop it by when she's done it.
Station worker: Thanks! You really don't have to.
Another mother, to her toddler: Sound's like someone's breaching copyright!

Turramurra Station
Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Andrew

1PM Honey, Are You Awake? It's On!

80-something husband: Did you get the Viagra?
80-something wife: [Mutters something inaudible.]
80-something husband: Well, did you get the prescription for the Viagra?
80-something lady sitting nearby: He's aimin' for tonight!

2323 Edinboro Road
Erie, Pennsylvania

11AM It's an L.A. County Law

Bicycle Girl: Take the 101 to the 405, and then you'll hit Santa Monica. There are great bike trails there.
Bicycle Boy: Great. I was having trouble finding good bike trails around here.
Bicycle Girl: Yeah, there are no good trails in the Valley. You have to go by the beach or mountains. No one rides their bike in the Valley unless they're Mexican and on their way to work.

North Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Jen

3PM The Cops Are Helpless As Long As We Call Them 'Delis'

Guy: I was at this one place last night where I paid an extra $10 to get a tossed salad at 3am. What a great deli.

Wilton, Connecticut

Overheard by: Derek Paruolo

4PM And This Week I'm Retaining Fluid

Security guard: What's your pant size?
Male shop-lifter: I don't know... I just started wearing girls' pants last week.

101 Clearview Circle
Butler, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Charpie

10AM Can't Talk. Playing Pong.

Old guy, about computer monitor: What do you all stare at on these things?

745 Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

9AM You're on Your Own, Pal

Visitor making fresh coffee in break room: Does this office make coffee with one packet or two?
Employee: Usually one... But there are factions...

1920 East Parham Road
Richmond, Virginia

12PM Dear Diary, Failed Emotional Intelligence Test Today

Older man: So, are you hungover?
Younger woman: No. Why? Do I look hungover?
Older man: No. I just wanted to start a conversation, and I don't know what else to talk to you young people about.

501 Second Street
San Francisco, California

9AM Some Mornings I Forget to Attach It at All

Guy descending escalator: Every time I pull down my pants I look down and it's like, 'Oh! I forgot it was there.'

Pier 70
Seattle, Washington

12PM Anyway, Meeting's Cancelled; Wanna Go Looting?

Flood vic #1: So I said to my boss, "I won't be able to make the meeting in NYC, because my house is flooded and I had to evacuate."
Flood vic #2: So what did she say?
Flood vic #1: She said that she was stressed out about having to cancel the meeting and incoveniencing the people in NYC.

Flood shelter cot

Overheard by: sitting on a cot waiting for Noah.

10AM Luckily the Doublemint Twins Were There to Handle Any Gum Questions that Might Arise

Man: So what's that building over there?
Tour guide: That's the Wrigley Building.
Man: So what does Wrigley do?
Tour guide: They make gum.
Man: Gum? Really? What kind of gum?

Michigan Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

5PM That's a Wrap

Voice on elevator emergency intercom: Hello? Hello?
Confused woman who just got on: Um.....yes?
Voice: Yes, I'm Karen* from American Express. Can I please speak with Shin Chen*?
Woman: Um...No... You just reached an elevator.
Voice: Oh! Well, thank you for using American Express. If you have any questions, please call 1-800-555-1234*. Thanks for using American Express and have a great day!

541 Willamette Street
Eugene, Oregon


Overheard by: the other passenger

2PM And While We're on the Topic, How Come You Never Call Me at Night?

Guy on cell: I can hardly hear you. It sounds like you're in a coffin.

Beaverton, Oregon

Overheard by: brian

3PM They Both Felt It Was Time For a Starter Marriage

Hostess: I don't know why they're getting married. They don't even have kids!

45 South Illinois Street
Indianapolis, Indiana

4PM An International Passport Breakfast, Please

Waitress: How are you doing today, sir?
Man: I'm on work release.
Waitress, suddenly nervous: Oh... okay. I'll be right back.

Pancake house
Lawrence, Kansas

Overheard by: Rachel

1PM Talking Dirty Doesn't Come Easy for Martha Stewart

Lady on phone: Girrrl, you done sound like an apple pie that's been baked!

Evanston, Wyoming

3PM Time Is Cheap in Indiana

Man at photo kiosk: I just finished sending my selections and edits through, and then it froze.
Worker: Hmm. Locked up. Happens a lot. All the info is gone, unfortunately.
Man: I spent 45 minutes here, doing this.
Worker: I'm sorry. Here's a $3-off coupon for next time.
Man: Three bucks for 45 minutes?

Worker's cell phone rings. He walks away.

Avon Target
Avon, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

5PM That's a Wrap

Co-worker: Where the fuck are the urinals?
Stall: Wrong bathroom, buddy.

1055 North Cruise Boulevard
Port of Miami, Florida


Overheard by: WordPower

12AM A Jewish Vampire, Apparently

CSR: Is Mike there?
Man: Do you know what day it is?
CSR: What does that have to do with anything?
Man: Well it's Sunday!
CSR: I know that! Can I talk to Mike?
Man: No it's Sunday and he isn't alive on Sunday because he's a vampire!

375 Ghent Road
Akron, Ohio


Overheard by: No Longer Employed

12AM We've Found Our Foreman

Lawyer: Have you been involved in any bike accidents?
Potential juror: I was hit by a car while riding my bike in the Hamptons. I was seriously injured, but I didn't die.

60 Centre Street
New York, NY

12AM We Can Guess How He Got That Way

A woman walks into the ladies' room at work and finds a man and a woman standing by the sinks.

Woman #1: Um.
Woman #2: It's okay, he's blind.

149 5th Avenue
New York, NY


Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian

11AM And Be Miserable?

President: Thank you for coming to our annual Christmas party. Where do you work?
New guy's new girl: I'm in private wealth management.
President: You seem very nice. Can I give you one piece of advice?
New guy's new girl: Sure.
President: Don't wait too long to get married and have kids.

1 Cranberry Hill
Lexington, Massachusetts

12PM Someone Had to Tell the CEO

Woman across the hall: You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail. You're going to jail.

3811 O'Hara Street
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

12PM Just a Little One That Will Change the Way I See Things

Female customer: My sunglasses are broken. One of the screws fell out, and a guy in here yesterday said they would replace them with a new pair.
Woman behind counter: Oh, I remember you. You're just looking for a screw, right?
Female customer, after entire store stops laughing: Aren't we all, really?

1051 North Rush Street
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Standing behind you

10AM Coffee Break

Guy: The worst part of being a corrections officer is when the prisoners want to fight you.
Suit: Yeah, that seems like it would be dangerous.
Guy: No, it's just that I hate the paperwork.

327 Lakeshore Drive East
Dunkirk, New York

1PM Lunch

Nurse: How did I know this elevator was going down?
Man: I don't know; my guess would be the down arrow above the
door, though...

Davis Avenue at East Post Road
White Plains, New York

12PM They're Usually on the East Side

Receptionist: Hello. May I help you?
Woman: I would like to apply for a job here.
Receptionist: Why are you leaving your current job?
Woman: Ain't no movin' up positions.

220 Dupont Street
Brooklyn, New York


Overheard by: Jack Boston

9AM Just One More Day

Guy: At least it's Friday, right?
DMV Girl: I hate you.

300 W. 34th Street
New York, NY

2PM IT Conference Call

Tech Support: Okay, I need you to go to a command prompt and type
"'mail from:' your email address" and this should get you a connection.
User: It didn't work.
Tech Support: Okay, so you typed "'mail from:' your email address" and it didn't work for you?
User: Wait a minute. Did you say you wanted me to type "nail" or "mail"?

1010 Niagara Street
Buffalo, New York

12AM The Elevator: Center of the Building Ecosystem

A guy on the 2nd floor gets on an elevator for a 6 floor building.
All the buttons are lit.

Girl: I didn't mean to do that. It just sorta happened...which floor are you going to?
Guy: Fortunately the fourth.
Girl: Oh. I would've felt bad if you had said the sixth.
Guy: Then I should've said the sixth floor.

They both got off on the fourth floor.

82 Wall Street
New York, NY


Overheard by: Monica Lewis

11AM The Problem Is Living in a Shoe and Not